Last Seen Blogs
bellmel
Bellmel
comicwaren
Comicwaren
delicatecashspybonk-blog
Sans titre
la-reine-de-tenochtitlan
Untitled
Text
September 8, 2023
A partnership that's lasted near on a decade is ending, someone I thought would be a part of my family forever is leaving, and I'm questioning the permanence of everything.
Of course I know permanence is an illusion, of course I know anything can end, and that everything will, but I want my endings to come at the right times, far in the future, after a long, long time of happiness and light and love.
It's not me, it's not my relationship, so it doesn't make that much sense that I would be so sad. But it's someone I thought would be a brother to me, an uncle to my children, someone I was fond of, and now I don't know when, or even if, I'll see him again.
We should be camping right now. Instead, it's thunderstorming and all our camping things are sitting in the garage, waiting to be loaded into the car, or possibly put away again for another year. I want to go to a place where nothing changes. I want to hold on to the things I love. I want things to slow down, for life to stop feeling like it's slipping by. I want the things I love to stay.
0 notes
Text
August 2
August. One of my favorite months. I love that it's not hot anymore, that sweet spot of 75 degree days and 65 degree nights. I love the breeze in the windows and the sound of the crickets. I love that I have a house now where I can feel and hear those things. I love Jeremiah's bedroom, snuggling up with him on the little twin bed. I love how Amelie puts her arms around my neck and holds on tight as she falls asleep. I love that there is good TV on. I love the community at the beach, and the warm ocean, and white wine sitting around in the circle. I love that Amelie can swim now. I love all the family events, though they've also been exhausting. I would like to feel comfortable in my own body again. Working on it. I would like a little free time again. A night out, a cocktail, a vacation. I am in a period of doubting everything I write, thinking it is not good enough and will never be good enough. Maybe it's burnout. Maybe I'm just not good. I feel like I need to reconnect with my husband again. I feel like he needs a break, too. Working on it; forever and always working on it.
1 note
·
View note
Text
June 26
Sitting in a lamplit air-conditioned bedroom in my diaphanous white nightgown while deer munch on trees across the street, the baby sleeps, and John reads stories to Amelie. The house is relatively clean, I have nothing else to do tonight but write, and I am content.
0 notes
Text
May ‘23
Things I want to remember:
- his little army crawl across the floor and the noises he makes when he’s excited to get somewhere
- reading Frog and Toad with Amelie
- the way he reaches for me and clutches onto my clothes with his little fists to pull himself up
- the way Amelie calls his feet “feetsies”
- sitting around our too small Ikea table
- dinner at Pascale and Sabine and how good the Sauterne was
- my walks. gossip kings and ampire diaries and my route and the green of the park
- hiking my cross country route
- the way he shakes his head no
- “You’re the best mommy ever”
0 notes
Text
April 18, 2023
Some things:
- I feel like I’m really making strides on mental health. Learning to differentiate anxiety from gut instinct, having a coping mechanism for spiraling, beginning to better understand where I come from and why I think the way I do. It is worth the money and time commitment.
- My son is 9 months old, which is wonderful. I can’t wait to see who he’ll be but I also don’t want him to not be a baby anymore.
- My daughter seems to be out of her terrible 3-4s stage, and is mostly sweet again, which is nice. She loves the Berenstain Bears and The Lion Guard and we can have real conversations about things. She is a small, interesting person and I love it
- Writing is going well and I want to try and sell my adult thriller this year, but I still don’t know how marketable it is.
- I worry about my spouse sometimes. If he’s happy. If he’s making too many sacrifices so I don’t have to work. Other times I think I’m doing a lot even though I’m not pulling in much money.
- I still need to lose weight. I’m going to try something new I think
- But I also care a lot less about how I look than I used to. I just don’t have time to care, and I have better things to do with my time
- We have a playset in our backyard, and it makes me happy
- I hope we continue to have a good life
0 notes
Text
February 5th
The shininess of January has gone and February is here. Historically never my favorite month. We’re going to Florida soon so that should help, though I’m also concerned about the stress of it all. I have a nanny starting tomorrow, coming just on Mondays, and I feel excited to have a whole day to work, and also horribly guilty about it.
Bebe is also hopefully getting over a stuffy nose. I had to hold him upright all night on Friday which resulted in broken sleep for me, so I’m trying to tell myself that any night in which I get a solid chunk of sleep is a win and I should be able to handle whatever comes next. On that note, to bed, and I hope to journal more and better soon.
0 notes
Text
January 15th
Week one of this year was a week of accomplishments. I got in my steps and then some, I got in my writing hours and then some, I did all my exercises, I even did the unpleasant pelvic-stretching one.
Week two started out strong. And then Amelie’s teacher got covid and school was cancelled the rest of the week, and instead of accomplishing, we spent the week testing and worrying whether or not our congestion was covid or dry air, and regretting not finishing Amelie’s vaccinations sooner.
I think and hope we’re okay. But I am so, so tired of this.
I did actually manage to walk enough. I love winter walks. Much more than summer ones. The cold is invigorating and I got to listen to Gossip Kings and The Worst Bestsellers talk about Eat Pray Love and I just love the solitude and the thinking time and the little baby bundled up in his stroller. I know we’ll get tired of winter before its over--some of us more than others--but this fallow period is a relief. I always said the second half of the year is my favorite--the end of summer, then fall, then the holiday season--but maybe that’s changing, at least a little. Constant plans when you have children is exhausting. And seeing family and friends is important and I like doing it often, but time with just us is important, too. And we get more of it this time of year. And there are far fewer expectations.
And I’m grateful for that.
0 notes
Text
In Which a Former Home Starts Slipping Away
Nostalgia is weird. All I wanted during the pandemic, besides for it to be over and me and everyone I loved to come out unscathed, was a home of my own. I longed for a house. Four walls, a kitchen, a backyard, some closets. I was grateful for the temporary home we had, grateful for our little bedroom, our own bathroom, the little pockets of space I made mine: the couch after everyone else had gone to their own respective corners of the house, the hot tub late at night, the backyard during the day when it was just me and Amelie. But I spent so much time dreaming of one of my own--and a not inconsiderable amount of time searching for one.
Now we have that. And we both miss our former temporary home. I know a lot of what we miss is the free time -- there was rarely dinner to cook, dishes to wash, or any cleaning to do. There were extra people to entertain our only child. I wrote so much that year. I watched new TV. I went on long walks, by myself. So much time. It was a luxury.
So we had the odd experience of moving out of a place that felt like home, but being able to visit anytime we want, as our former cohabitants still live there. But the odd thing is that each time we go back, it feels a little less home-y. Maybe it’s the hardwood floors put in to replace the old wall-to-wall carpet. Maybe it’s the fancier new furniture. Maybe it’s the purging of all their excess belongings. Or maybe it’s just that they’re only there half the year now, if that. We look forward each time they return, but when we go over there, I anticipate that feeling of returning home, but that feeling is slipping away.
But maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe that just means this is home now, this new house we bought and moved into and are slowly slowly making our own.
0 notes
Text
December
A whole mess of emotions lately.
Grateful to no longer be sick while also nervous about getting sick.
Grateful for the holiday season while also being sad it wasn’t everything I wanted it to be and missing holiday seasons of yore with more family around while lamenting I’m not the master hostess/mom my own mother was and is while also wondering what more I could be doing while also wishing I had more time to rest and write and exercise and do all the things I miss doing.
Worried about the new year because no one got me a magical time warp for Christmas and there is still more to do than there are hours in the day. I need a solution. In the form a part-time nanny, I think, but I’m not sure. Please send me some help.
Wishing my health anxiety would just go away for good and simultaneously being unwilling to take meds because I’m still nursing even though they told me it is perfectly safe.
Wanting to be back in my pre-baby body while also drinking eggnog and eating chocolate all day.
Longing for the days when free time will be a thing again while also not wanting to rush the baby year, especially if this is my last baby.
(And what about when they grow up and go live somewhere else? What are we going to do with ourselves?? Write, garden, learn to play the piano again, have a clean house ... but how am I going to do all that when I’ll be so sad they’re gone? I hope they stay near.)
And now to attempt to write fiction for a brief time before bed...
0 notes
Text
The issue isn’t that I don’t want to write down everything. I would love to go back in time and see how I was feeling and what I was thinking 3 months postpartum last time. The issue is I no longer have time to do everything I want to do. I want to write in a journal and I want to write my book and I want to exercise and I want to organize and improve my home and I want to spend time with my children and I want to spend time with my husband and I want to see all my friends. And I want to rest and take baths and watch TV and play words games. I want to do it all and I can’t.
0 notes
Text
I always feel sad when parties end and people leave and I think I passed that on to my daughter. Amelie practically cried when my sister left today. We had a day I always love, people in my home eating and drinking and the sun shining and nature everywhere. I was happy when people stayed until dinnertime just sitting and talking. I am less happy now that they’re all gone. And now I’m thinking of Thanksgiving and how they’ll all be staying at one house and we’ll be at another. I hope it’s still a happy time.
0 notes
Text
February 9, 2022
Feeling very low lately. Is it this time of year? Not enough to look forward to? Maybe we need to start walking more again. I thought I’d be consumed with the nesting, but nesting in a whole new house is overwhelming. So much to do.
3-year-old temper tantrums are not helping. I love her and I need more time away from her. I don’t know if it was a mistake to hold off on school, but now I’m wishing we hadn’t. We have a tour in a week and a half, and then I hope she starts and loves it and we fall into more of a routine. I hope.
0 notes
Text
2021
This year was hard. I’m having trouble finding things that made me smile. So I’m going to try making a list.
- The Keansburg boardwalk and watching her go on a boardwalk ride for the first time
- Drinking too much of whatever that pre-mixed cocktail was in Richard and Louise’s barn on mine and Jonah’s birthday
- The Wolverton Inn and that bathtub and If We Were Villains and those cocktails outside under the heat lamp on the river
- Trekking outside to play in the snow every day of January, February, and March that there was snow on the ground
- My runs and walks around the Hamptons
- Our Halloween party here and the men all spending hours trying to get the fireplace to work
- Impromptu friend patio parties with whatever cheese is in the fridge and midday champagne in coup glasses
- Unpacking in our new home
- The new rug in the living room and the glow of the Christmas tree
- The city. The museum, the park, friends we haven’t seen in 2 years, eating at an actual restuarant and feeling okay about it
- That night on the boardwalk eating in the misty rain at Stella Marina
- The playground with the pirate ship
- Climbing on rocks at the top of a waterfall
- Walks in Red Bank, Smoothie King and the restaurant and the park
- Seeking solace at Woodchips
- Dancing under falling pink flower petals in the backyard
- The gingerbread chicken coop
- The little stone colonial house in Pennsylvania and watching Shadow and Bone in the tub
- Baby burrito
- Our first trip to Home Goods
- Cousin Easter Egg hunts
- Freezing cold trip to Aunt Elmo’s beach house and walking along the cold beach listening to Overdue’s Fifth Season episode
- Smoked margaritas
... so I guess we did have some good times this past year. Here’s to more in 2022.
0 notes
Text
October
remember when I said I was going to do this every day?
I love being in our new house. I love Amelie’s room with its rocking chair and curtains and rug. I love when she curls up in the chair with a book and reads.
I still worry about not making friends. We have plans every weekend, but they’re with “faraway” people. I hope it changes when she starts school of some kind. Whenever that may be.
However, we’ve started going out more. Amelie and I like Dearborn. We also like Home Goods. I have to be careful not to buy for the sake of buying. I’m in a very “buying stuff” mood the past few months. My credit card bills have been astronomical. And there’s still so much more we need. All the little pumpkins are bringing me joy, however. I wish October lasted longer than 31 days.
We have our egg hunt soon, which will be fun. I’m bummed about Thanksgiving getting cancelled, but we’ll have Amelie’s birthday, too. Then Christmas, either here with John’s family or in North Carolina with mine. Just as long as we’re with someone.
I’m obsessed with The Originals right now. I’m finding the show a wonderful respite from the world. I still have worries about health, about my book, about my fertility in either case, but am trying to overcome them.
Slowly, slowly moving towards the life we want.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
August 2021
Things to remember:
She asks “What happened?” if you so much as shift in your seat.
“Actually Mama, it’s a hat.”
The way her little arms feel tight around my neck.
She says she doesn’t want to go in the ocean but then she runs straight in and trips over the waves.
“No Mama, the ocean is coming to get us!”
Her sliding down the sand dunes.
“I’m doing my thing.”
The sound of summer bugs in the backyard.
My runs. Windermere and beyond. My songs and podcasts, the Salvatore boarding house, the geese, the lake.
My other runs. That little development, 5 times around, 6 times. My me time. I miss it.
Mexican nights. Margaritas, smoked and original.
Building the lego train sets. (We need another extension.)
Reactor videos.
“It was hiding from us.”
“Dada, you’re so silly.”
I could go on, I just love everything she says <3
0 notes
Text
I just got so excited for all the things I still get to do with her. I want time to slow down but I also can’t wait.
0 notes