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❈ Grim Aesthetics ❈

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[ladadidadidoingwhatever]

I used to analyze myself down to the last thread, used to compare myself with others, recalled all the smallest glances, smiles and words of those to whom I’d tried to be frank, interpreted everything in a bad light, laughed viciously at my attempts to be like the rest -– and suddenly, in the midst of my laughing, I’d give way to sadness, fall into ludicrous despondency and once again start the whole process all over again – in short, I went round and round like a squirrel on a wheel.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment (via thequotejournals)

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Call me whatever you like; I am who I must be.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra (via thequotejournals)

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Yugyeom: Anybody under 5'7 can’t be talking about fighting anyone. Like, what you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the nipples?

Jackson: Say goodbye to your kneecaps, asshole.

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We live in a time where beauty is defined by the true ugly in our society, the only ugly people are the ones with little minds clouded with negative judgment.

theonejarod (via wnq-writers)

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The hardest battle you are ever going to have to fight is the battle to be just you.

Leo Buscaglia (via thequotejournals)

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By Terri Foss

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Tired

Alot of people called me bitch already and i’m at the point of not caring at all not just to the comment and proving them wrong but also to people, I’m tired of giving a shit to someone who won’t even gave you a second glance when you need them. In fact I’m at the point wherein i will move a muscle when you ask me and would not even give you a second look if you don’t need to.

I’m tired of caring, I’m tired of being selfless when all they see and portray upon me is being a selfish bitch. I stop wanting responsibilities. I stop being a leader. All because i saw people, not appreciating your effort and some even stole that effort. I’m tired of people stealing your own effort and making and saying they made it when in fact they only did 10% of the job. I’m tired of doing stuff when you failed everybody blames you.   

Yes, I’m snob because I’m used to people only see my worth and existent when they need me. I’m snob to defend myself. I’m snob because that’s the only thing i can do to protect my pride. I build the wall to protect myself from being hurt further. Some may have penetrate the wall, but till at what point?

I may laugh with you but on the inside i already forgot how genuine happiness really feels. All I’ve been feeling has been superficial as of late.

#bitch #snob #tired

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Outlet

Unlike other sons and daughters, i can’t talk to my parents about my struggle in school. I can’t just say to them, “Ma i”m failing.”. i’m afraid that they will look at me as a failure, a good for nothing child. I’ve been keeping everything within me and 50% of it is channel through blogs. Sometimes I just wished i will involved into an accident that could cause me amnesia. Maybe that’s the reason why i don’t reblog/retweet/ share posts saying that I will die if I won’t because I’m secretly wishing it would come true. I don’t want to perform any suicidal acts, i don’t want to stop my own life, i just want it to be any spontaneous event, a random day of my failing life.

Everytime, I need a channel I would immediately find myself writing may it be in a computer or in any paper. I don’t care if people will actually read through it, I’ve been immune to people ignoring my posts and I don’t even think they will reach until this point. Yes, I have friends but i don’t want to bother them with all my whims and shits because i know they have their whims to deal with and I don’t want to add into their burden, I’d rather carry their burden with me. 

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Still the same empty feelings

2 years ago, I complain of feeling empty and yet now I still feel the same mixed with despair and lost. This time, i don’t need a someone, i just need a turning point, a chance to change everything, to start all over again, a point where in i can re evaluate myself, to check if is it still worth it to keep on going. I can’t help but feel all this negative vibes, even if all people keeps on telling me to be positive, nothing will happen.

I hate the fact that people look at me with high expectations like, “sus, pasar lagi ka” (You will pass for sure.), it feel’s like people will never comfort nor understand my feelings of falling onto the pit because they think my feelings are too superficial and just over acting. But the truth is, I am currently falling and lost with no intent of fighting back, no intent of rising up because i lost all the will to keep on moving on. No amount of “Kaya nimo na.’ (You can do it) nor “pasar na lagi ka” (You will pass!) can make me uplift my lost spirit. I’m just at the point where i don’t know where to stand nor where to look at. I’m going into the flow without any motivation to move an inch of my muscle to swim. 

Maybe someday i will find the purpose of my hardships and i hope i will not end up saying, 5 years form now, “I should have been this.”

#depression #emptiness

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA! Thank you for being the best man in our life. I love you. 😘 see you the soonest.

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Personal Worries

This past few days, i feel so empty. Maybe i just need a constant someone, who would always remind my worth. Someone who would never leave me hanging, someone who will stick up with me despite my emotional unstableness. Maybe i lack that someone.

I’m on the stage of my life where I felt lost. Before i sleep, i keep on asking myself : “Am i on the right path? Did i chose the right one? Should i still go on?” I can’t just tell my parents that “Mom, i wanna quit.” I don’t want to give them more disappointments and worries. But at times i felt like giving up and rethink my life again. But then again i don’t have the luxury to do so for i have to keep on moving if i don’t want to be left behind. Everybody is looking forward, while i still have this big hesitation in me.

Did i miss something that was supposed to be a valuable clue or maybe i overlooked the answers on my way to this point if my life. I don’t know if my future is still as bright as it used to be. I felt that one mistake in the future and i will be down to the pits of grief and regrets. Was i too impulsive when making this step? Was it just out of frustrations? I’m afraid of being alone when this will happen. All these worries are killing me.

I needed someone to answer all those bugging questions within my head before i burst into a breakdown and be afraid to stand up again.

Often, i just want to live in a dream, where i can dictate and manipulate everything just it be in place in what i want and what i think is perfect. But then again life does not work that way. It keeps on moving on even though you are broken.

I just need to have that someone and that day to rethink everything. And i hope you will be there.

#worries #counsel

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Current Read.

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18 ❤️ thank you! #happykid #legality

#legality #happykid