kaorisun

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 immortality is an abundant curse (4)

pairing : blade x reader

tags : hurt/comfort, angst, canon divergence

word count :

chapters : one • two • three • four

crossposted to : AO3

Summary : “For certain, he knows… somehow— by some twist of fate—

It’s really you.

And Blade feels like Ren once more.”

or

The Reunion.

Falling asleep has become a chore for you. It had already been difficult prior to regaining your identity— glimpses of your past taunting your amnesia, but now, during the first night with your new memories, the dreams you have feel less like such.

If you had to call it something… perhaps premonition would be more accurate of a title.

After recalling your past, you initially fall asleep with ease— feeling lighter and no longer lost. However, the dream you have…

Your eyes snap open, a chill running down your spine as you take in your surroundings. The space is foggy, and in front of you is Ren— no, Blade.

This isn’t the man you once knew, rather, one marred by centuries of pain. Bandages cover scarred skin, and his eyes are cold as he regards you with a dark expression.

It sends shivers down your spine— not used to the distant expression he regards you with. Only after a few moments do you realize that he isn’t looking at you… but through you.

You pause, turning around, eyes widening at who you saw.

Inky black hair, short but familiar, matched with jade eyes you’d recognize anywhere.

Imbibitor Lunae— Dan Feng. Well… perhaps that’s inaccurate to say. This isn’t the Vidyadhara from your past— it’s his reincarnation. You can hardly call them the same person, but it’s clear to you that Blade doesn’t care for such a trivial distinction.

Blade’s eyes are filled with nothing but vengeance and pure fury. He lifts his sword, a malicious smirk on his face as he speaks in a familiar voice, but with a tone that’s anything but.

“Of five… three must pay a price,” he says. His sword glints in the dark space the three of you exist in. Your body tenses. You can sense Lunae’s fear, and it spurs you forward, reacting just as Blade lunges toward him.

You gasp out his real name, flinching and grasping Blade’s shoulder as his sword pierces your abdomen. The unexpected nature of your presence seems to snap Blade out of his ferocity because now he looks to you with guilt and fear.

He whispers your name before looking down at where he’s pierced you, retracting it and allowing the blade to clatter to the ground as he holds you tightly.

“No… please— I can’t lose you again.” He pulls you into his chest. You smile softly up at him, caressing his cheek before your head begins pounding.

You shut your eyes just as he calls out your name desperately once more and—

You jolt up with a gasp, heart pounding in your chest as your eyes adjust to the darkness.

Yanqing sleeps soundly beside you, holding onto your tail as he snoozes away. You smile, reaching over to gently ruffle the boy’s hair.

“It was just a dream… just a dream.” You shut your eyes, attempting to calm your nerves and ground yourself. You’re trying to convince yourself that it was merely a mirage— an after effect of regaining your memories, just like Bailu said.

But it still feels so real to you.

Across the room, you hear shuffling from one of the other clinic beds as Jing Yuan rises from his slumber, walking over to you upon realizing that you’re awake. He seats himself beside you, careful not to rouse his apprentice.

“Are you alright? It’s still late. Don’t tell me you stayed up,” Jing Yuan says with a tired smile as he looks at you. You force a small laugh before shaking your head, frowning.

“I had a dream about Blade.” You lean against the General with a sigh, squeezing your eyes shut as the vision flashes before your eyes once more. “Lunae was there… he was gonna stab him, but I stepped in. Blade stabbed me instead. It feels like a bad omen.”

Jing Yuan gently rubs your back in an attempt to comfort you as you explain your nightmare. He hums, leaning his head against yours.

“It was just a dream. I don’t know if Blade remembers who you are… but either way, I doubt he’d have it in him to hurt you. That’d be ridiculous— he’d never do such a thing,” the General assures. You smile and nod, using his presence to ground yourself in the moment.

The sun slowly begins to rise, and distantly, you can hear Bailu shuffle around and get to work. Finding comfort in Jing Yuan’s words and the familiar environment, you relax against him.

It’s a new day— the very first with your new memories. While you no longer carry the burden of amnesia, you have to learn to live with the newfound weight of your entire past.

Maybe it’s naive to believe so, but you think you’ll be okay.

After all, you had the support of those around you, and Blade is far gone from where you are currently.

Perhaps things are going to finally look up for you.

Blade’s eyes snap open as he shifts a bit. Hidden within a Starskriff filled with cargo, he sits up against the wall he’d been silently resting again.

Slowly, his eyes adjust to his surroundings. The Starskriff hums as it flies them to their rendezvous point, and Kafka’s leaned against the wall, peering out through the cracks of the ship to track their location. However, she turns toward him upon hearing him startle awake.

Silently, she lifts a brow as she looks at him. Blade ignores the obvious questioning glance, turning his head away with an annoyed huff.

Beneath his stoicism, Blade’s heart is pounding.

“Ren…?”

“No… please—

“I can’t lose you again.”

The words echo in his mind louder and louder, causing him to shut his eyes. Each time he does, he’s back in that space, his sword piercing your body.

His hand clenches around the sword resting beside him, forcing his eyes open to look at it.

It was just a dream… he thinks to himself. I’d never hurt them.

Perhaps it’s the weight of the guilt of breaking his promise to you causing these nightmares. Although, this one felt more… real.

It makes him feel uneasy. Why couldn’t he have dreams of when times were lighter? It’d provide him a nice respite from harsh reality.

Before he can stew in his thoughts more, Kafka speaks up. “We’re almost there. We should get ready to move— we have quite the show to play out, Bladie~”

“This isn’t the plan I remembered,” he says, narrowing his eyes in her direction. Kafka simply smiles, tilting her head in a way that felt condescending.

“Bladie. Are you doubting me? I’d never go against Elio’s plans.” She crossed her arms, and Blade huffs, standing up and walking beside her. He grips his sword tightly, blank eyes trained forward as the cargo bay of the Starskriff slowly opens.

“I don’t know why I bothered to ask. You care for that man’s stories far more than I do.” Blade doesn’t bother looking back to her when she spares him a glance.

Subtly, Kafka releases a relieved sigh. Prematurely granting Blade’s initial wish of reunification meant changing their original plan to lay low— now needing Blade to play a more active role instead of hiding in the shadows while she got arrested.

The woman smirks, recounting her conversation with Elio following his text the night prior.

“Elio… I get that we can grant Bladie’s wish of being with his old flame, but what’s with the haste?”

Elio sighs. “The situation calls for it. The dragon has external influences that may stray them away from ever accepting Blade as he is. To truly fulfill his wish, we must reunite them as soon as possible. The story must change to allow for it.”

Laughing, Kafka shakes her head. “I trust you. So? What’s this new script of yours looking like?”

Kafka looks back over at Blade where he seems lost in his thoughts once more, that familiar far-off look in his eyes.

“Create chaos, Kafka. Lose Blade in the crowd and get yourself arrested per the original plan. From there, the story shall play out on its own.”

The woman smiles to herself. What she wouldn’t give to be in the room when Blade sees his lover again. Unfortunately, she has to follow the script to allow him the opportunity— and she’s sure she’ll be able to hear plenty about it.

After all, especially in the Xianzhou, she finds that people talk and rumors spread like wildfire.

Finally, the ship comes to a full stop, and Kafka slips out into the Exalting Sanctum, Blade on her tail.

Slipping into the shadows, the man clicks his tongue. “Why are we moving now? We don’t benefit from being impulsive,” he says. Kafka laughs softly.

“Didn’t you just say that I know Elio’s plans better than you? Besides, I have some unfinished business in the area that I need to take care of before the next phase of our plan.” She moves closer to the main square, hidden between a few close buildings, their chatter muffled by the sound of the bustling citizens.

Blade follows and turns to face her, exhaling as he hears her unsatisfactory excuse. “Why did I have to accompany you? This is something you do on your own if the matter only concerns you.”

The woman smirks teasingly, tilting her head. “Now I know I don’t have to answer that question for you.”

The other rolls his eyes, clenching his hand around the hilt of his sword as he seethes. “Destiny’s Slave is needlessly concerned over such insignificant details…”

“Not as insignificant as he has you believe, Bladie~” Kafka sings as she jumps out into the main square and pulls her guns out, lightning energy sparking around her as she shoots into the crowd.

Blade’s eyes go wide, unable to stop her from creating such an obvious spectacle. Though she’s purposely missing her shots, the sounds are enough to cause mass panic.

This definitely isn’t a part of the plan! Blade insists to himself.

Originally, Kafka was supposed to cat and mouse with the Cloud Knights at Cloudford— not go out guns blazing in public.

With no other choice, Blade shoots out from the shadows, following after Kafka as the Cloud Knights chase, hot on their tail.

“What happened to the plan?!” Blade yells as he slashes his way past approaching guards, more so upset about the impulsive change, less about the spectacle of it all. “You were only supposed to get arrested. I’m not supposed to have any part in that aside from helping you escape the Divination Commission!”

Kafka laughs as she aims a few shots back at the soldiers chasing them. “I’m following Elio’s script exactly, Bladie. I never said it wasn’t subject to changes.”

Before he can argue, Blade feels an icy breeze, a sword whizzing through the air and piercing his abdomen from the left. He grunts, hand grasping over the wound as he glares in the direction the blade came from.

He meets the wide eyes of Jing Yuan’s young apprentice. The boy falters, halting at the sight of him before becoming determined again. However, his hesitation is enough to allow Kafka to draw his attention instead, shooting at the boy.

The diversion seems to work— more icy swords tailing after Kafka as the young apprentice chases her. Amidst the commotion and panic, Blade manages to slip into a clinic to hide, hissing in displeasure at the slightly frostbitten wound.

Even with a monstrous healing ability, severe wounds such as this one don’t heal instantaneously. As much as he despises treating his wounds given the warmth he associates with the action, the situation doesn’t allow him the space to be picky.

Glancing around the clinic, he recognizes various salves and medicines— ones that you taught him about so long ago. Incense wafts through the air and relaxes him only slightly.

Perhaps the sight of such a place would’ve made him feel like home at one point in his life. Now, it only serves as a painful reminder for him— making him recall all he doesn’t have in this life anymore.

Blade wishes to leave as soon as he possibly can, planning on stealing a few healing salves and fleeing the clinic. However, shuffling from another room causes him to still, drawing his blade as he withdraws to the shadows of the room, attempting to gauge his opponent.

“Hello? Is someone there…?” a voice calls out.

Blade feels his chest tighten, unable to stop a soft gasp from escaping his lips. Desperately, he wants to seek the source of the voice out, but he’s afraid. Is this another delusion of his shattered mind? It has to be.

You died centuries ago.

“Whoever is there, it’s alright! Lady Bailu is out, but I can help you in her stead.” He hears soft clattering from the room once more and the grip on his sword tightens, but he still quietly listens. “I know the battle is ferocious… but life is precious. Well-being is important, and you shouldn’t treat yourself with such recklessness.”

The man pauses, his breath getting caught in his throat as he recalls all the times you said something similar to him— how you’d insist that his reckless behavior wasn’t good— how you’d finally gotten him to treasure his life with the repetition of similar phrases accompanied by your careful love.

Surely it can’t be… can it? He wants to hope— for the first time, he wants to pray to whatever Aeon will hear him that somehow— by some miracle— you’ll be able to greet him once more.

Blade pauses as footsteps approach, watching the curtain to the back of the clinic draw open. He has to stop himself from falling to his knees as he emerges from where he hid, meeting the careful gaze of the one before him.

There you stand— glittering horns atop your head and a scaled tail swaying behind you. You gasp, your grip faltering as the clay bottles you’d been holding slipped and shattered on the ground below. Alongside it, Blade’s sword falls from his bandaged hand.

He scans your features— you’re glowing— alive and healthy. Healthy and alive.

He’s terrified of breaking the silence— scared that you’re merely an illusion of his broken mind— some sick mirage created by a tormented soul.

Finally… you speak.

“Ren…?”

Ah, he’d nearly forgotten how lovely your voice sounded— how sweet it sounds when you say his actual name with such a gentle tone.

For certain, he knows… somehow— by some twist of fate—

It’s really you.

And Blade feels like Ren once more.

Rays of sun peer through the sheer curtains of the clinic, shrouding the room in sunlight, spilling through in a warm amber glow.

The light illuminates another day. While it’s the first official day with your memories, it was supposed to be just as mundane as the last— easing into your usual routine by Bailu’s side so she can monitor you.

Only… that doesn’t happen.

The Cloud Knights called Jing Yuan away on an emergency, and Yanqing dutifully followed. Terrored screams and the unmistakable sound of fighting alerted Bailu, causing her to run into the midst of the battle to heal those in need.

“You need to stay here just in case anyone seeks refuge here. Besides… I’m still unsure of your condition. For your safety, remain here.”

Of course, you do as she says, remaining in the clinic and replenishing medicines you know will run short amid a fierce battle.

However, while working away at your mortar and pestle, the clinic door bursting open tears your attention away.

Expecting a wounded Cloud Knight or a terrified citizen, you find yourself shocked to see Ren… Blade… at your doorstep.

Bottles shatter on the floor followed by the sound of a blade hitting the floor.

The silence is heavy— and you’re afraid.

Is this some cruel dream? Has your condition worsened more than Lady Bailu expected?

Does he even remember who you are?

Your eyes drift to the wound on the man’s side, blood seeping through his fingers. The sharp copper scent and sight of crimson droplets on the floor tells you that the one before you is very much real.

Unable to keep your silence any longer, you finally whisper his name— the one that once left your lips in a sweet tone— now fragile, vulnerable.

Afraid of the pain of knowing— confirming if he truly recognizes you or not.

“Ren…?” you whisper, taking a cautionary step forward, hands twitching at your side where you desperately wish to reach out— wanting to heal his wounds carefully like you once did centuries ago.

He seems to momentarily scan your concern-painted features before you notice his eyes become glassy, a single tear slipping as he practically crumbles, nearly falling to his knees.

You gasp, quick to reach out and catch him in your embrace, holding him up. Your hand hovers over his wound, wondering if it’s the pain causing his tears. Then, he talks, voice wavering.

“You’re alive… It’s really you,” he says, resting his head on your shoulder, basking in your familiar warmth, soothed by the feeling of your rapidly beating heart against his chest.

You wrap your free arm around him, clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly, anxious yet elated at the feeling of being close to him once more. “You remember me…?”

Blade pulls back, regarding you with wide eyes. “How could I forget? You were… are my one reason for remaining tied to this world.”

His eyes drift up to your horns before drifting across your features and down to the swaying tail behind you. He looks conflicted, anger mixing with sadness as he takes in your appearance.

“How did you… Why did you never tell me? If I knew…” Blade trails off, and you shake your head.

“I have a lot to explain. I know, but please… let me deal with your injury first,” you say, glancing down to where his hand still clutches over bloodied fabric. Blade flinches away when you reach out, eyes averting away, cold— critical.

“There’s no need,” he starts, letting out a long sigh. “I’m a monster. I'll heal on my own. I don’t need help.”

Your gaze softens, and you reach out once more, gently pulling his hands away from the injury. “That’s nonsense. You’ve never been a monster, Ren. You deserve healing just as much as anyone else, abilities be damned.”

He glances at you, eyes still darkened with what you imagined were endless painful memories. “You’ll be stained with my blood…” he mutters.

“Such is the life of a healer.” You laugh gently, shaking your head. “Besides, even if it meant my hands would forever be stained red, I’d heal you time and time again.”

You reach out once more, but Blade stops your hand with his clean one, still hesitant— guilty… afraid.

“You… you don’t know of the egregious acts I’ve done in the centuries you’ve been gone.” Blade refuses to look you in the eyes. You pause, flashes of wanted posters and a list of charges appearing in your mind. Yet… you find that you aren’t afraid.

You’ve seen the cold, vengeful sides of this man. You’ve seen Blade, but the image before you isn’t a fearsome warrior. It’s that of a young swordsman— a terrifying opponent in battle who came home just to become the sweetest lover to you.

Placing a hand over his, you smile reassuringly. “You’re right. I don’t know exactly what you’ve done, but I’ve seen your face plastered across wanted posters, and I’m still here. You haven’t scared me off.”

Blade looks to you, hesitating still, eyes meeting yours and searching for any sign of a lie.

“Ren… I’m sheltering you from the authorities. The least you can do is let me heal you,” you joke, trying to express in whatever way possible that you did not think badly of him. Finally, he returns your smile and nods.

After hastily sweeping away the broken clay and setting his sword aside, you have him seated on one of the clinic beds. You get to work, pulling away stained fabric, wiping away caked on blood before grabbing salves, medicine, and a suture kit.

Blade is concerned to see your reaction, but even at the sight of countless bandages and scars littering his body, you do not flinch. If it affects you in the slightest, you don’t let it show.

Your trained hands carefully clean his wound, a concentrated look on your face as you work. It brings him back to days long past— chess boards, lighthearted banter, surrounded by friends… and warmth.

Those days of bliss are far out of reach, though. And look what’s become of him.

You’ve remained the kindhearted healer you’ve always been. Even as a Vidyadhara— an immortal— you haven’t changed.

He watches you close his wound, your hands stained with his tainted blood, and he feels undeserving. He’s fallen into a path of darkness and vengeance. You remained in the light.

Meeting you again in this state… it feels shameful to him.

Sensing his gaze, you meet his eyes and tilt your head, hands stilling from where you’ve started applying a salve over the stitches.

“I’m sorry,” he says. You pause, mouth agape for a moment before shaking your head.

“For what?”

Blade remains silent, and in that silence, you find your answer. You recognize all that’s left unspoken— what he’s truly apologizing for.

He’s sorry for meeting you in such a state, for straying away from the honorable path, for becoming a renowned criminal— for becoming Blade.

He expects anger, criticism, perhaps even disdain. What he doesn’t expect is the kind expression that comes across your face.

“I forgave you long ago, Ren. I’m not angry,” you respond. He looks at you in disbelief.

“Why? You should be angry at all the grudges I still hold. Even now, I’m still ready to hunt him down. Yet, you forgive me? Why?” His eyes narrow, and you look away.

“Why shouldn’t I? Why should I be angry, Ren? You found purpose after being fractured. Living lost without purpose…” you pause, eyes squeezing shut as you recall the familiar days without your memories, lost to the world— living in pain. “You did what you had to, given the circumstances. And your circumstances weren’t exactly favorable.”

Blade opens his mouth to retort but finds nothing, unable to counter your argument. In his silence, you speak once more.

“Besides, I feel as if I owe you more of an apology.” You finish applying the treatment and bandaging his wound, moving to sit beside him on the bed. Blade eyes your dragon features, mesmerized by the glittering colors and shimmering scales before meeting your eyes.

Eyebrows pinched, you can see the anger in his expression. “Of all things… why was this the secret you decided to keep? Had I known… I would’ve waited. I could’ve lived with hope instead of being fractured… I would’ve avoided centuries of heartache,” he seethes, eyes scanning yours in a mix of pain and fury. You shake your head, placing your hands over his.

“No. You wouldn’t have,” you state sternly, expression wavering. “Believe me, Ren. Being entirely forgotten by someone you love is far more painful than letting them die to natural causes. It’s far more merciful to let someone go than let them hope that you’ll remember them to no avail.

“Living with them, knowing they’ll never recall you no matter how hard you try… that’s far worse.”

Blade looks at you with a careful expression. “You sound as if you speak from experience…”

You give him a wry smile.

“It’s because I do.”

“Do you plan on telling him?”

A voice speaks up from where you’re sat, carefully bottling up medicinal powders, your tail resting on the bench. You look up, meeting the jade eyes of Dan Feng. You sigh, shaking your head.

“This had been a persistent question Imbibitor Lunae brought up after you and I had become a couple. He insisted that I needed to think seriously about it, but I had.

“My answer remained the same.”

“No… Dan Feng, you know I can’t,” you say. The Vidyadhara seats himself next to you, and you turn toward him.

“At least provide me a reason as to why.”

You gently push aside your materials, leaning your elbow against your work table and leaning your head on your hand. “Ren is a short-life species, Lunae. There will be no difference when I pass on from this incarnation.”

Dan Feng’s lips tighten into a fine like, regarding you with a displeased expression. “You should. Keeping secrets like this can be detrimental.”

You hum. “No… it’s cruel. Reincarnation is practically a death anyway, and this way, Ren can live and die without regrets. I know him. If he knew, he’d feel like he’d be abandoning me if he died. It’d do more harm than good.”

Lunae’s expression becomes tense, eyes clouding over as he asks another question.

“What would happen if Ren became immortal?” he asks.

“I didn’t think anything of the question. I thought he was just challenging my resolve with a hypothetical, but… the look on his face. The signs were there. I should’ve known he had something in mind.

“But I didn’t. I didn’t know. So I responded normally instead of questioning him.”

You laugh for a moment before realizing that Dan Feng expected a serious response. Your gaze becomes terse, free hand clenching tight at the mere thought.

“Ren is your bosom friend for a reason, Lunae. He’d never follow Yaoshi’s path. Such a thing would never happen— it should never happen,” you insist before turning away with a sigh. “Though, even if it did happen, my answer would remain the same.”

Dan Feng looks at you in shock, clearing his throat before steadying himself once more. “Why? I don’t understand.”

You bite your lip nervously, averting your gaze. “Dan Feng…” You shut your eyes. “You knew my past incarnation… you’ve told me countless stories… we’ve ventured side-by-side for quite some time, and yet… I’ve never once felt even a sliver of familiarity toward you.”

The other’s expression falls at the reminder. It pains your heart to remind him, but you need to get your point across so you continue.

“No matter how much you’ve told me, I’ve never remembered even a glimpse of my past life with you. It hasn’t come back and I doubt it ever will— so can you truly consider me the close friend you knew back then?” you ask. Imbibitor Lunae is quick to respond.

“You are the same,” he insists. “You’ve retained your personality entirely. You’re no different than you once were.”

“And yet, I still don’t remember who you are, or what you once were to me back then.”

Dan Feng remains silent, gaze trained on the wood grain of the table, unable to respond.

“In my last incarnation… I always felt connected to Lunae. While he didn’t seem familiar to me, we clicked in a way I didn’t click with anyone else aside from you. Despite that… despite his endless efforts… I never remembered him.

“However… I caught the way he’d look longingly at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. The lingering touches— the shadowed pain in his eyes when I showed interest in you… then the way he stopped trying once you began courting me.

“It made it easy to guess what I was to him in one of my past lives.

“And Ren. The pain I saw Dan Feng experience— being trapped in my amnesia, knowing he was stuck hoping for something and that I couldn’t do anything to help him? That pain… it’s far worse. Even if I had known you’d become immortal, I wouldn’t change a thing.

“I refused to put you through that.”

Facing Blade with a wry smile, you shake your head.

“I couldn’t guarantee that I would remember you. I was lucky this time— somehow I remembered despite the odds. Probably because I swore I would for your sake. But…” You frown, meeting his eyes. “If I couldn’t remember, I didn’t want you to be stuck by my side for millennia, trapped with someone you loved who’d never recall you.”

You fidget with your first aid materials, cleaning them up, reorganizing them— anything to distract you. Then, you sigh and set them aside.

“I hoped that you’d move on… but you never did, did you?”

Blade looks to you with fragility etched into his features. He reaches out to touch you, but pulls away upon seeing the red staining his hands, refusing to stain your pristine features with his blood.

In his place, you reach out and gently place your hand on his cheek. Blade lets out a relieved sigh, as if your touch alone alleviated him of centuries of pain and the weight of his sins on his shoulders. He places a hand over yours, pressing a soft kiss to your palm.

“I would’ve waited for you to remember… no matter how long it would’ve taken,” he whispers. You gently lean your head against his.

“I never wanted you to. I never wanted you to suffer.”

Finally, you allow your tears to fall— centuries of your lover suffering finally catching up to the present-day you, spilling from your eyes. Blade wipes them away gently, his hands scarred and calloused, but his touch still familiar.

“But you did anyway, didn’t you?” you say. “For that… I’m so sorry, Ren.”

“There’s no need.” He pulls you closer. “I’d repeat it all again if it meant reuniting with you like this again.”

More tears fall from your eyes, your voice cracking. “Things were never supposed to end up like this. You were supposed to have a happy life, Ren. Yaoshi cursed you with something so awful… knowing you suffered for centuries brings me great pain.”

“No,” Blade starts. “It was Imbibitor Lunae… Dan Feng who cursed me. We both know that.” He looks at you, hands still holding you gently. “Have you forgiven him for what he’s done?”

You remain silent, idly toying with Ren’s ink black hair as you ponder. You find that you’re a naturally forgiving person, but… the word traitor rings loudly in your ears. Memories swell within you, making your chest tighten.

Plus, you know that Imbibitor Lunae would’ve made that choice time and time again.

“I haven’t. I can’t forgive him,” you say. “But it doesn’t matter. Dan Feng is gone. There’s no solace for me in vengeance.”

For a moment, it almost seems like Blade wants to say something else, but bites his tongue and holds back. Instead, he contemplates for a moment before speaking once more.

“Will you come with me? We can flee the Xianzhou, and you can live alongside me,” he suggests. You flinch, pulling back and looking away, expression riddled with guilt.

Blade’s blissful expression falls. “Your answer is no, isn’t it?”

You hide your face in his neck and sigh. “Ren. I love you more than anything. I still do but… I’ve lived here for centuries. I’m just not sure I can uproot and become a fugitive.” You frown. “I’m a healer. I can’t hurt people— and I refuse to leave when Sanctus Medicus still runs rampant.”

You pull back to meet his gaze, gently brushing his bangs out of his face. “But I know you can’t stay. And I can’t go.”

Blade’s grip tightens around you, pulling you closer as if to deny the reality of the situation. He prepares to speak— wanting desperately to convince you otherwise— before the door slams open.

“We’ve returned!” Jing Yuan calls out. “Kafka has been captured. However, Blade is still on the loose so we should exercise the utmost precauti—” the General goes silent upon seeing you alongside Blade.

Yanqing is quick to react before anyone else, icy swords materializing and shooting toward Blade. You panic, eyes wide as everything stills.

Blade is a criminal— Yanqing is only trying to protect you— that’s what you reason.

And yet, you’re unable to stop yourself as you snatch up Ren’s fractured sword, your quantum energy infused into the weapon as you divert the swords with a single slash.

Only after you attack do you process what you did, eyes wide as you drop the sword, looking to your hands in disbelief.

You instinctively attacked— against someone close to you— Yanqing, who only had your best interests in heart, no less. You know exactly why he attacked— you can’t blame him, either, so why did you…?

Jing Yuan seems just as shocked, with Yanqing and Bailu left speechless. Blade places a careful hand on your shoulder, trying to ground you during what was clearly quite the internal conflict.

The General clears his throat. “Perhaps… this is why Fu Xuan demanded your presence at the Divination Commission.”

You look at him in disbelief, shaky on your legs as you try and steady yourself.

You know why she wants to see you.

You’re teetering on the dangerous edge of enemy lines— an ally to the Xianzhou with the potential to become anything but.

You’re a risk to the people. That alone should scare you enough to remain on the Xianzhou… yet it doesn’t.

And knowing that it doesn’t terrifies you far more.

“I’m sorry— I need a moment,” you say, quickly fleeing from the tense atmosphere of the clinic, out into the Exalting Sanctum. Blade tries to chase after you, but a hand on his shoulder stops him.

He shoots the General a venomous glare, but the man simply sighs.

“You’re a fugitive. Remember that,” Jing Yuan says. Blade tenses but stops trying to fight against his grip.

They’re at a standstill. Jing Yuan refuses to lose you to the darkened path Blade walks. Blade refuses to leave without you after finding you again after so long.

Which only means that this decision falls on your shoulders.

And to you… there is no inherent right answer.

tag rqs : @ceylestia - @thetwinkims - @astralsity - @kaminari-no-ritsusha - @jotaro-souped - @bladeismine - @sal-sa-man-der - @shinobuily - @sakiimeo - @just-here-reading - @luminexxx

note : I highly recommend following this fic on AO3 - I update there first as it’s easier to transfer formatting from docs onto there! they get their updates sometimes more than a week before I spend the time formatting posts here!

#honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail #honkai blade #hsr blade #blade hsr #honkai blade x reader #hsr blade x reader #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x reader #hsr fic #hsr fanfic #honkai star rail fanfic #honkai star rail fic #hsr angst #honkai star rail angst #cross posted on ao3 #ao3 crosspost #kaori-writes

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 immortality is an abundant curse (3)

pairing : blade x reader

tags : hurt no comfort, angst, canon divergence

word count : 4.88k

chapters : one • two • three

crossposted to : AO3

Summary : “Everything changed the day Imbibitor Lunae committed a grave sin in the eyes of the Xianzhou. Upon Ren, he bestowed the most abundant curse known to man.

“Immortality.”

or

The full story.

Yanqing wears his heart on his sleeve.

Given this fact, you truly should’ve figured that Jing Yuan would know exactly who had taken his diary upon discovering it missing.

However, this thought doesn’t cross your mind, so when Jing Yuan arrives at the clinic that night to search for his young apprentice, you’re terribly startled.

Yanqing, who’d been carefully showing you the fruits of his training inside the clinic, drops his sword with a clatter, gasping upon seeing the General appear at the door.

“It wasn’t me!” he yelps indignantly. Jing Yuan gives the boy an amused look.

“Oh? I haven’t even mentioned what I’m here for. How did you know I’d accuse you?” the General questions. Yanqing deflates, having exposed himself and his guilt without the man having to do so much as lift a finger. You reach out towards Yanqing, wanting to defend the boy from any potential ire or anger.

All things considered, he’d done it for your sake. You wouldn’t let him take the blame for such a kindhearted action.

Bailu beats you to it first. Grabbing the journal from her desk, she tosses it to the General. The man catches it with one hand before looking at her curiously.

“Take it. I already read through all of it. I have a good memory. I’ll tell them the stories myself, whether you agree with it or not,” Bailu insists, turning away in annoyance. Unexpectedly, instead of disagreement or disdain, Jing Yuan chuckles and shakes his head.

“I think you’re mistaken. I didn’t come here to scold anyone or take this back. Actually, I commend Yanqing for taking a stand against me and remaining firm in his belief that you had the right to know,” Jing Yuan says with a small smile. Yanqing lets out a relieved sigh before picking up his sword, migrating to the edge of your bed to seat himself.

You tilt your head in confusion. “Why aren’t you upset?”

Jing Yuan suddenly looks sheepish, reaching back to rub his neck. “Actually, I went to the Divination Commission to inquire about this situation. Needless to say, the Master Diviner did not agree with how I handled everything.”

You hum softly, the thought bringing you some comfort. “Did she use the Matrix of Prescience to arrive at that answer?” you ask.

“Actually….” Jing Yuan trails off as he averts his gaze. Bailu pipes up with an amused huff.

“Fu Xuan scolded you, didn’t she?” she interrogates. The General sighs softly before confirming the healer’s suspicions with a small nod.

“Well, what she said, and I quote, ‘despite having the title Divine Foresight, you spend no time thinking about the consequences of your decisions. I don't even need a third eye to see why that’s wrong. Your apprentice has more of a head than you do,’ or something along those lines,” Jing Yuan recounts with a guilty expression.

“I’m glad someone got it through that thick skull of yours, General. The memories are a precious thing to the Vidyadhara race. I can hardly believe you hid so much myself,” Bailu chastises, crossing her arms.

“I know, I know. I realize my mistake,” he starts, walking over to you and sitting beside Yanqing on the edge of the bed. “I'm glad my nosy apprentice told you everything. I thought I was protecting you by keeping everything a secret, but I only caused you more stress in the end.”

You offer a gentle smile. “I went along with it without a fuss because I trusted you. It hurt, but I figured you wouldn’t hide things without reason.”

“And even knowing that I’ve been shielding you from something painful, you still want the truth?” the man asks, the worry clear in his expression. You meet his gaze and nod.

“Yes. Learning the truth is allowing me to feel more and more complete. Even if it’s upsetting, I need to know,” you insist. Jing Yuan chuckles.

“Even without your memories, you’re just as headstrong as you were back then,” he muses. “In that case, I’ll take responsibility, and I’ll be the one to deliver the truth to you.”

“At a later date,” Bailu interjects before Jing Yuan can flip open his diary to the relevant pages. “Save any new stories for tomorrow. I don’t want to strain them further.”

“Strain..?” the General mumbles. You quickly pipe in to clarify.

“Ren… I remembered my first meeting with him. I remembered loving him. But… everything else is still foggy,” you explain.

“But that was enough to make you faint! Lady Bailu is right. We should wait,” Yanqing adds. Jing Yuan looks at you and ruffles your hair affectionately.

“In that case, tomorrow. After our duties, I’ll sit down with you and tell you more. Every single day that Bailu allows it, I’ll tell you something new,” he promises. You feel your heart warm, a weight lifted off your chest.

“I’ll hold you to it. I’m sure Yanqing will, as well. Every day…” you murmur, a small grin making its way onto your face at the thought of finally securing a way to retrieve all of what you’d lost.

Soon, you’ll have all of the pieces of your past life. Once you do, you’ll finally know everything that transpired that led you to where you are now.

As excited as you are, you can’t help but feel a sense of dread.

There’s bound to be many joyous tales from your past, but the story of heartache and loss looms over you. It reminds you that, as happy as things may be, you have to prepare yourself to accept the pain and suffering of your previous life.

You can only hope that it’s something you’ll be able to handle when the time comes.

Dusk turns to dawn, and the sun rises on a new day.

True to his word, Jing Yuan begins visiting you in the evenings at the clinic to tell you new anecdotes from your past. Filling your head with stories that feel familiar— nostalgic, he tells tales each night until your head aches, a sign that you’ve taken in enough for the day.

The General helps you recall your first meeting with him— introduced as mutual friends of Imbibitor Lunae. You slowly remember the way you would watch the two spar, happy to clean up any wounds that came as a result.

Beyond that, Jing Yuan even shares how he’d been the one to push Lunae to introduce Ren to you, having always thought that you’d be a good influence on the man. Lunae agreed, and the General had considered it a personal victory.

However, he speaks of the way you fought alongside him in battle. This fact has you curious, having always assumed you were nothing but a healer.

Jing Yuan clarifies that you were a healer, and you once took up a sword to fight against the Denizens of Abundance precisely because of that reason. Each battle he recounts has your hands ghosting over areas where you swear you feel a slight pin prick of pain.

The General mentions that each place you touch is a place where your skin had once scarred over with wounds from each fight. It makes you smile— it seems the body truly never forgets.

Days continue to pass, and with time, your mind becomes less and less fractured. With each new tale, you grow more and more sure of who you are now and who you once were. Skills you once forgot become second nature once more. Memories return to you sometimes with the assistance of Jing Yuan and Bailu. Others enter your mind naturally, a byproduct of the newfound exposure to your past life.

Bailu notes your increased skill and confidence in healing, recognizing the way you improve as you remember the techniques of your profession. Your heart fills with warmth. You start to feel like yourself again— no longer a wanderer with nothing but shards of the past to their name.

Yet, as elated as you are to make such progress, it’s bittersweet.

You know they’re still deliberately avoiding how it all ended— how your Ren became Blade, the nature of your relationship, anything to do with him. Given that they’ve yet to broach the topic, all of those memories remain locked behind a wall. Unlike other moments, you’re unable to recollect it on your own— likely too heavy a topic to be triggered without help.

A frown appears on your face. You haven’t felt more sound of yourself in ages. Are you still unprepared? Is everyone coddling you once more?

How tragic a topic is the reality of your disappearance to cause them to hold off for this long?

Either way, it fills you with uncertainty and unease. You resolve to ask about it that evening, but it seems you don’t have to, for fate aligns itself at the perfect time.

As the sun begins to fall beneath the horizon, Jing Yuan, Yanqing, and Bailu all approach you, seating you on the bed as they surround you. Their expressions are all terse— hesitant.

You’re about to ask about what’s occurred— unsettled by the tension, but Jing Yuan is the first to speak up, interrupting any thoughts you have.

“You’ve made significant progress with your memory recovery. Bailu has deemed you mentally sound enough to learn of the truth. I’ll tell you everything. Who he was in regards to you, what happened to him… and how it all ended,” the General explains. Your heart flutters in nervousness and anticipation alike.

“Everything…?” you echo. Bailu nods.

“You’ve retained everything else well. I can’t promise that this won’t cause some sort of physical reaction. Much like the first time, it’s likely you’ll experience some pain, but… if we’re right, this should be the last time,” the healer promises with a determined gaze. You smile, feeling comfort in the resolve of those around you.

“Alright. I trust you,” you say. Bailu nods to Jing Yuan, who seats himself beside you as he begins to recount his experience from his memories.

He starts. “There’s one thing I’m certain about. The way you could never tell how Ren felt towards you seems to have stuck. You were the same back then, but I knew— everyone knew that Ren loved you more than anything in this world.”

“For a while, you didn’t realize just how hard Ren had fallen for you. It was incredibly obvious to the rest of us, though. Perhaps… it was because you were always looking away. When he regarded you with nothing but pure adoration, you were inevitably turned in the other direction.”

Ren lets out an affectionate sigh as he looks at you, head propped on his hand as he watches you stare down at your work table in pure concentration. The soft grind of pestle against mortar resounds through the building. Jing Yuan chuckles softly, looking at Ren with a smirk.

“Do you plan on saying anything to them? Or are you determined to long in secrecy for the rest of your life?” he questions, teases slipping off his tongue. Ren narrows his eyes at the man.

“Watch yourself, General,” he retorts. Jing Yuan lets the empty threat slide off him with ease, refusing to back down.

“All you do is sigh and stare in every moment you spend in their presence. Why are you so hesitant?” he asks. Ren glances away towards the herbs and medicines lining the walls— all fruits of your labor.

“They’re dedicated to their craft. They wouldn’t have the time for such frivolity,” he laments. Jing Yuan hums and gives a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Nonsense. They have plenty of time to spare. I often hear them complaining that they have too much time to Lunae,” Jing Yuan counters. Ren tenses, his lips pressing into a thin line.

“I doubt they feel the same affection for me as I do for them,” he mumbles. The General has to hold back from barking out a laugh.

“Please! That’s absolutely absurd. All I hear from you are excuses,” he insists. Before Ren has a chance to retaliate, another voice speaks up.

“The General is right about this, as boastful as he’s acting currently,” Imbibitor Lunae adds in, seating himself at the table with the two. “Both of you have a limited amount of time, Ren. It’d be unwise to waste it wondering if they feel the same.”

“Exactly. Besides, if you hold back on making a move, maybe I will,” Jing Yuan jests with a smirk. Ren shoots up in his seat.

“You will not!” he seethes before rolling his eyes, practically stomping off to retreat to your side. Jing Yuan watches in amusement.

“Do you think he’ll say anything or just sulk as per usual?” he asks. The dragon beside him hums.

“Have more faith in him. You pushed him right where he needed to be pushed. Just observe for now,” Lunae says, and Jing Yuan does so.

“I guess Ren really was at his wits end at that point, and Lunae was able to pick up on it. We watched, and you leapt into his arms after he professed his love. All of us knew it was a matter of time before you ended up together, but seeing it… it was a weight lifted for all of us.

“You two were finally happy.

“For a while after that, things were calm and comforting. Ren came to terms with his short life since you’d be there to spend it with him. I’d never seen anything make him happier than the day you became his, and he, yours.

“Truthfully, I think, that day, he found something worth living for in his relationship with you. Of course, he had the rest of us, but we were all long-life species. In you, he came to understand why life was so precious— why he had to treasure his existence, no matter the length of it.

“Alas, he was still… reckless, but just in the normal, stubborn, and headfast way that he always was. You were always there to scold him for it, but we all could tell it was different. Ren was fighting for his beliefs— no longer careless about his life. He was, in lack of better terms, himself.

“As I’m sure you’re aware by now, such tranquility couldn’t last forever.

“Everything changed the day Imbibitor Lunae committed a grave sin in the eyes of the Xianzhou. Upon Ren, he bestowed the most abundant curse known to man.

“Immortality.

“It was supposed to be another battle, but the two of them had been taking far longer than usual. Both of us were worried— aware that something was amiss, but afraid to speak it aloud lest we manifest it into reality…”

Jing Yuan watches you pace nervously outside of the hall. From where he leans against the wall, he can see the frenzied fear in your eyes as you look out in the distance every few minutes, hoping to see Lunae and Ren in the horizon.

The General is equally as concerned, but he knows that he must remain grounded to keep you sane.

“Imbibitor Lunae and Ren are both capable warriors. I’m sure that they’re fine. They’re probably just falling behind,” Jing Yuan reasons. You shake your head in disagreement.

“It’s been weeks. That’s not normal. The last time it took this long, someone—” you cut yourself off, flinching. The man’s expression becomes grim. He knows you’re right— that your worry is not unwarranted.

Neither of you wanted to be “too late” again.

Walking up beside you, Jing Yuan nudges you gently.

“Let’s head out. We’ll find them ourselves,” the General assures. You offer a wry smile and nod, but before either of you can make a move, another voice interjects.

“No need. We’ve returned,” Lunae says as he approaches with Ren by his side. Jing Yuan can see your excitement, but then watches as you freeze, expression falling as you look at Ren. The General notices what you do, too.

It isn’t uncommon to return from prolonged battles covered in blood, tattered with memories of the ongoing war. However, Ren seems far too pristine to have just returned from a battlefield. He’s glowing in a way that seems… unnatural.

Your eyes shift to Imbibitor Lunae, and suddenly your eyes are cold— distant.

“I think you caught something in his mannerisms that I couldn’t. You saw something that I couldn’t see, quickly catching on that something was inherently wrong— that they were hiding something.”

“What happened?” you ask, a seriousness in your tone that felt incredibly off-putting, given that you were referring to your lover and close friend. Instead of a response, Ren reaches towards you, pulling you into a tight embrace as if his life depended on it.

You pause, carefully wrapping your arms around Ren, running fingers through his hair as you repeat your earlier question.

“What happened?” you inquire, almost pleading now. Ren stills in your arms, silently burying his face in your neck. You frown, looking to Lunae once more for answers. Jing Yuan doesn’t move from his spot, either, trying to make sense of what it is you’re picking up on.

Eventually, beneath your persistent gaze, Lunae cracks.

“Ren nearly died on the battlefield,” he admits. You tighten your grip on your lover, eyes wide with a shock that Jing Yuan mirrors.

“He looks perfectly fine… he’s walking on his own two feet, and there isn’t a trace of blood on him…” you note in disbelief. Imbibitor Lunae looks away, seeming guilty in the way his eyes fall.

“I know. That’s because I…” Imbibitor Lunae goes quiet, unable to bring himself to finish his thought. Jing Yuan narrows his eyes, arms crossing over his chest as he looks at the other.

“You what?” the General interrogates. However, the dragon doesn’t spare him a glance, instead looking to you with something that makes your eyes fill with fury. Before he can raise questions, you’re quick to clarify.

“You made him immortal? Why would you do such a grievous thing?!” you snap, forcefully separating yourself from your lover. Ren reaches for you desperately, but you take a step back. Jing Yuan easily recognizes the look of betrayal on your face.

“I can explain—” Ren starts, but you cut him off harshly.

“What is there to explain here?! I’ve treated the Mara-Struck— victims of the Sanctus Medicus, and you want to explain? I’m a healer and even I’m aware that immortality isn’t a remedy of any sort! It’s a venom! A curse!” you yell, eyes brimming with tears. Jing Yuan remains mute, unable to understand why anyone would resort to such a taboo method for any reason, especially given all that they’d witnessed together.

“Please, calm yourself and allow us to talk this o—” Before Lunae can finish his thought, you interrupt.

“Calm myself? Imbibitor Lunae, have you forgotten that I’m dying? In a few decades, I’ll be gone! Ren no longer has the mercy of dying by my side! He’ll have to witness everything!” you cry out, voice cracking as tears slip down your cheeks.

“He’ll endure so much suffering, and he’ll never be able to die…” you whisper, finally gathering enough strength to meet Ren’s gaze. “You promised.”

Ren is quick to scoop you into his arms, wiping your tears away with his thumb.

“I also promised to return to you. We’re both here now. That must count for something. Without immortality, I wouldn’t have returned to greet you again— to hold you again. And immortality doesn’t change a thing. I still plan to remain by your side for eternity,” he promises softly. You look up at him, an unfathomable sadness in your eyes.

Briefly, Jing Yuan catches you glancing at Lunae. There’s a wordless exchange in the expression you share with the Vidyadhara. The General has no idea what it is that you both say, but it’s enough because soon you’re releasing a defeated sigh.

“I’m glad you’re alright, Ren,” you say softly. Ren smiles, leaning down to kiss you gently. You reciprocate for a moment before pulling away, allowing yourself to enjoy the warmth of his presence.

Despite everything, Jing Yuan can tell that it isn’t something you’d ever move on from.

“You never brought up Ren’s immortality of your own accord ever again after that day. If it came up in conversation, you always excused yourself to be alone for a while.

“There was a time that I confronted you about it, though. I knew it was forbidden, but I needed to know what was going through your head. Honestly, I don’t think I could ever forget what you said to me that day.”

“Why wouldn’t I be upset, Jing Yuan?” you start, head in hands as you shut your eyes tight.

“There will come a time where Ren suffers unimaginable pain, and I won’t be there to help him. There will come a day where myself, Imbibitor Lunae, and even you aren’t there to support him through his suffering,” you explain. The General pauses, not having thought that far into the future.

You continue in his silence. “My death is just the start. I don’t think Ren understands how much of a tragedy that is. Soon, we will all leave him, and he’ll come to understand that death is far more merciful than being the last person left alive of all those you’ve grown to love.”

You frown and walk off, your words weighing heavily in Jing Yuan’s heart.

“I grew to understand exactly how right you were in your assumption as the years passed. When you faded away and crumbled— I witnessed firsthand how cruel his affliction was.

“Ren knew he couldn’t live without seeing you once more, I don’t think he ever thought about the inevitable day where he’d have to learn to live without you entirely.

“The day you disappeared… I could tell everything weighed heavily on your mind. In the face of your inevitable demise, you still worried for Ren.”

Jing Yuan lets out a soft sigh, watching Lunae and Ren leave for their duties. Glancing back to you on the bed, he tilts his head.

“You looked like you had more to say back then. Something else on your mind?” he asks as he seats himself on the edge of your bed. You look at him, a serious look in your eyes.

“I promise that, one day, I will find my way back to you all. One day, I’ll return, so Ren won’t have to suffer on his own,” you swear. Jing Yuan offers a sympathetic smile.

“Unless you’re a Vidyadhara, reincarnation is just a legend,” he mentions. You don’t respond, instead humming in acknowledgement to the General’s statement.

“Of course, I didn’t know you were one back then, but what I did know is that you were incredibly firm in your desire. Either way, I’d brushed it off.

“I left the room to make your medicine, but you had disappeared when I returned. Only then did I realize… that promise was your last wish— your final resolve.”

Jing Yuan continues his explanation, telling you the results of your disappearance.

Ren was never the same. He spent countless hours looking for you— searching for a body, but you’d vanished completely, much like the Mara-Struck who faded into nothingness. From that day forth, Ren’s mind fractured and he grew resentful of his curse.

As you predicted, the rest of your group slowly began to die out, your lover forced to suffer through each and every one knowing he’d never be granted the same reprieve.

Then came time for Imbibitor Lunae to pass and reincarnate.

“After Lunae died, Ren disappeared entirely, his mind shattered beyond repair— a shell of who he once was. Losing his bosom friend was the final straw.

“I tried to search for him, but he’d vanished from the Xianzhou Alliance entirely. I figured he didn’t want to be found, so I was forced to move on lest I suffered the same fate:

“Lost in our past without direction or will to live.”

Jing Yuan sighs as he finishes the story, shaking his head. “I thought it all a distant memory, then I saw you again on the Luofu as Bailu’s assistant. You looked the same way you did back then.”

“At first, I thought you just looked similar, but then I saw the horns and tail and I knew— you’d found your way back as promised, and you were a Vidyadhara. I’m sure I acted strange when we first met, but I was trying to confirm that it was really you,” he admits.

The memory of that day rushes to the forefront of your mind. The Arbitor-General had followed you and Bailu back to the clinic. His eyes were trained on your tail, watching the way it swayed as you worked before his gaze settled on your horns.

Jing Yuan had carefully observed you as you made medicine at Bailu’s work table, humming a tune that you’d heard from earlier in the day. It startled you how attentive he was being, but now it made sense.

“I confirmed it through your mannerisms and habits. I saw the way you carefully healed others. Then, you expressed familiarity towards me and that sealed it. Unfortunately, I knew you were without your memories.

“I had been keeping tabs on Blade since he appeared on the IPC’s most wanted list, and I vowed to protect you from him. If he saw you and you didn’t remember him, I had a feeling it wouldn’t go well,” Jing Yuan says, frowning.

“I thought protecting you meant guarding you from the truth so you never had to learn of the tragedy that became of your past lover, but I know now that you have to make this choice yourself. By deliberately concealing this, I’ve already hurt you enough,” he finishes softly, resting a comforting hand on your shoulder.

You remain silent and still, staring blankly ahead. From the corner of your eye, Bailu frowns.

“Are you alright?” she asks, preparing for any sort of pain that might occur as a result of everything.

Instead, tears begin to slip down your cheeks, dripping down onto your hands as you grip your robes tightly in your lap. Smiling sadly, you blink rapidly in an attempt to clear your vision of the glistening drops.

Jing Yuan is the first to react, cupping your face in his hands and wiping away your tears gently as you sniffle softly.

“What’s the matter?” the General questions, concern etched into his features. You shake your head, words caught in your throat.

Everything in your mind is clicking into place, pieces falling and fitting together.

Ah, of course. I promised this so long ago, your mind echoes. I said that I’d return— that I’d remember— so I could make it back to you and protect you from the curse you fell into.

Your shoulders shake as you begin to sob. The General pulls you into a tight embrace, Yanqing leaning against your side in an attempt to provide comfort as well.

You usually never remember any last reincarnations as a Vidyadhara. Memory is a spectrum for your kind, and you always ebbed on the side of starting with an entirely clean slate. It’s why you were so certain you’d die when you left to be born again.

You wouldn’t take any memories of your past with you, and you wouldn’t recall them.

Except, this time you did.

Dying and rebirthing with such a strong resolve meant that, since you awoke in this new life, you’ve always felt that something was missing.

Now, you know what it is.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

You bury your face in Jing Yuan’s shoulder as you cry, mourning the past you lost, and the lover you abandoned in this world.

If Blade’s mind fractured so long ago, do you even hold a place in his memories anymore?

Is there anything you could do in your current state to help him?

Or was all of this remembrance for naught?

For this, you had no answer.

Hidden away somewhere in the Luofu, a woman observes a man from afar.

Kafka recognizes the distant expression Blade wears as he stares out at the scenery and passing Starskriffs. It’s vulnerable— longing— one that he only wears when he thinks no one is watching.

However, her attention is diverted elsewhere when her phone vibrates with an incoming text. Glancing down at the device, she smirks as she reads the message.

Kafka. Plans have changed. Blade’s initial wish will be granted.

The woman raises a brow in amusement, typing and replying to his message with a teasing response.

Even we aren’t capable of necromancy, Elio.

Instead of commenting on her witty remarks, he merely sends back a simple text which serves as enough of an explanation for Kafka.

The Vidyadhara has remembered themself, thus returning to who they once were.

Await new instructions.

The woman looks back up at Blade, smirking as she pockets her phone.

What new side of him will she be able to witness? What sort of expression will he have when Elio surprises him with this?

Kafka can’t wait to see how this story plays out.

tag rqs : @ceylestia - @thetwinkims - @astralsity - @kaminari-no-ritsusha - @jotaro-souped

#honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail #honkai blade #hsr blade #blade hsr #honkai blade x reader #hsr blade x reader #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x reader #hsr fic #hsr fanfic #honkai star rail fanfic #honkai star rail fic #hsr angst #honkai star rail angst #cross posted on ao3 #ao3 crosspost #kaori-writes

[kaorisun]

Hello, don’t know if I’m doing this right or whatever but anyways- may I join the taglist from the Blade fanfic (immortality is an abundant curse). It’s been really interesting to read it and I don’t want to miss the new chapters. Anyways, have a nice day, sweetheart.

of course! I’m glad you’re enjoying the fic!

sending an ask or commenting are both ways to request to be on the tag list! you can also put it in the hashtags of reblogs and I’ll see it! thank you for your support <3

#kaori-chats

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 immortality is an abundant curse (2)

pairing : blade x reader

tags : angst, remembrance, hurt no comfort, canon divergence

word count : 6.08k

chapters : one • two • three

crossposted to : AO3

Summary : Some things are still muddied, but this is something you could never forget.

or

In his true name, you find fragments of what once was, and an unexpected party is determined to return to you what is rightfully yours.

Jing Yuan is hiding something from you.

Of this, you are certain.

However, it isn’t something that he shows explicitly. The man is talented at keeping a neutral, unknowing expression, but on the other hand… Yanqing is an open book.

As a child, he’s unable to hide his expressions when you chat with the General about your past. The worry mixed with a slight tinge of guilt tells you all you need to know. Yanqing and Jing Yuan know far more about your previous life than they let on.

Despite that, you never pry. You’ve always felt a sense of kinship towards the General, and Yanqing is someone you enjoy doting on. In regards to the secrecy, you know that they wouldn’t hide things from you without reason. The likely scenario is that they’re protecting you from something.

From what, you have no idea, but if Jing Yuan feels it’s best to keep you from it, then you trust him wholeheartedly. Not once has he done a thing to cause you harm, and you know this scenario is likely no different.

If Jing Yuan knows your past incarnation, then you’d take comfort in the fact that you’re in good hands.

Snapping you out of your thoughts, Bailu turns towards you with a small smile.

“Those should be all the ingredients we need for the medicine we need to restock. Let’s head back,” she says, leading the way, arms overflowing with various medicinal herbs. You dutifully follow, a basket of ingredients in hand.

For a moment, you’re mesmerized by the way Bailu’s dragon tail sways as she walks. Being in the company of another Vidyadhara far more experienced with the reincarnation process eased your mind. You still had much to discuss with her upon return to the clinic— perhaps she could provide much needed insight on your memories.

As if reminding you of the past just out of reach, you pass by the same wanted poster from earlier, causing you to stop in your tracks. Gazing at the photo, tears return to your eyes.

You feel like his name is on the tip of your tongue. You feel as if you’ve forgotten something important. Without your memories, a part of you has always felt vacant— empty.

Somehow, for some reason, you feel as if this man holds the answers, but for the life of you, you cannot remember who he is.

The tears slowly slip down your cheeks, and you hear Bailu call your name.

“Are you alright? Are you injured?” she asks worriedly. You sniffle and shake your head, brushing the tears away with the sleeve of your robe.

“I’m fine,” you lie, a frown plastered on your face. Bailu regards you for a moment before letting out a soft sigh.

“Let’s discuss it when we return,” she says, able to see right through your facade. You nod, trailing after her as she leads the way back to the clinic.

The stroll is quiet, Bailu likely leaving you to your thoughts to allow you to compose yourself before she pries for information.

When you return, Bailu takes the basket from your hands and sets it aside with the other ingredients before gently nudging you to sit on one of the beds.

Beginning work on blending medicines for restock, Bailu glances in your direction once she notices you’ve properly settled in bed.

“So? What happened?” she asks, eyes darting between her mortar and pestle and where you’re seated.

The words get caught in your throat for a moment and you swallow nervously. Tearing your eyes away from her inquisitive gaze, you wring your hands nervously.

“I know you told me not to force it… but since the commission posted those wanted posters, I’ve felt utterly restless. It’s barely been a full day, but I cannot shake this dreadful feeling. I feel so so close to an answer, yet so far,” you start, hands moving down to clench the bedsheets in frustration.

“Blade… that name feels terribly foreign and yet, I swear I’m familiar with the man. It’s…” your voice grows soft as you trail off. Bailu sighs, her eyes focused on her work as she speaks.

“Well, typically purposefully triggering memories is ill-advised. It’s more trouble than it’s worth, and you aren’t guaranteed any useful insight. The emotional distress of it is too high a risk factor,” the healer explains. Your expression falls, feeling dejected for just a moment.

“I’m not finished, don’t look so upset yet,” Bailu chides. “However, if something within you is reacting this viscerally to his photo alone, it may be less stressful to attempt to unearth the memory. In your current state, leaving it dormant may be more harmful for your mentality.”

With wide eyes, you give the dragon a hopeful expression. Bailu hums for a moment, setting her pestle down and approaching a bookcase. From the lowest shelf, she plucks a thick notebook before tossing it to you.

Fumbling for a moment, you grip it tightly before looking at the cover curiously. The cover is blank, causing you to look at the other curiously.

“It’s filled with names. The people of Xianzhou typically use them to help name their children, though we Vidyadhara have no use for it in that sense. Instead, I use it as a method to help our kind select new names, or trigger certain memories,” Bailu states, returning to her work table.

“The man is a Xianzhou native, judging from his appearance and attire. If ‘Blade’ is merely a pseudonym, then the name you remember is likely a derivative of the names used here. Flip through it. Maybe something will spark a memory,” she mentions nonchalantly. You tense for a moment, pausing.

“Are you certain? I’m supposed to be helping you mix medicine…” you murmur guiltily. Bailu groans and shakes her head.

“Can you truly work with your mind in this state without getting distracted?” she asks. You open your mouth to respond, but quickly close it and remain silent upon realizing that you indeed would be unsuited to focus on such tedious work.

“Exactly. So focus on that instead. Once your mind settles, I’ll allow you to work again. For now, see if a name in there feels right,” she says. You bite your lip, eyes downcast.

“How will I know…?” you ask softly.

“The mind is more resilient than it looks. Even after reincarnating, it still holds onto countless fragments of information with the capacity for the memory to return in its entirety. If you truly remember this man, you’ll know when you see his name. It’s ingrained into your very being, deep down,” Bailu assures, returning your smile when your expression lifts.

Flipping open the ledger of names, your eyes scan the pages for any spark of familiarity. Softly, you mumble each name to yourself, testing how they feel on your lips. The healer watches you carefully, noticing the way your brow furrowed when something felt close but not quite right.

For a while, this process continues. Even as you get halfway through the pages, you remain resilient, not discouraged despite the fact that nothing has clicked yet.

Fingers gently grazing down the page, scanning over the calligraphy of each name, you eventually pause as you whisper one of the names to yourself.

“Ren…” you murmur. In comparison to many others, this name feels… sweet. Your heart skips a beat when you say it— warmth flooding your chest.

“Ren. Ren…?” you repeat, tilting your head a bit, your head feeling fuzzy as you pause. Bailu turns to you and raises a brow.

“Find something?” she asks. You cannot answer, hardly able to hear— her voice sounding muffled as a flurry of thoughts enter your head.

“Ren… Ren!” you gasp.

Distantly, you hear rushed footsteps and someone calling your name, but before you can react your vision blacks out as you’re hit with a tidal wave of memories from a time once forgotten, causing you to fall unconscious.

Eyes snapping open, you jolt suddenly, halting in your steps. From your side, you hear footsteps stop as someone turns toward you.

“Are you alright? Have you been overworking yourself again?” a voice asks. You glance over, and Imbibitor Lunae is regarding you with a serious expression that’s tinged with concern. You offer a small smile.

“I’m okay! I haven’t been overworking myself. Though, I’m admittedly a bit tired,” you mention. Your heart is pounding, but you’re able to settle in the warm familiarity of the environment and its company.

Ah, I remember this… how did I ever manage to forget? you think to yourself as you continue on your stroll with the other. The dialogue slipping from your lips comes naturally— effortlessly. Some things are still muddied, but this is something you could never forget.

“So, who are you bringing me to meet? Another patient?” you ask curiously. Lunae lets out an exasperated sigh, a rare moment where his emotions show clearly on his face. His expression screams annoyance with a hint of fondness.

“He isn’t a normal patient. He’s a close friend of mine. However, I fear that his recklessness is getting out of hand. I doubt this’ll be the only time you’ll have to heal him,” Lunae mutters. You laugh a bit and shake your head.

“I imagine you’re speaking from experience. Is he like us— another Vidyadhara?” you inquire. The man shakes his head.

“No, a short-life species,” he clarifies, his hand grazing over the bracer on his wrist. Taking notice of the subtle action, your eyes widen.

“Ah—! The human friend of yours, yes? The one the General insists is your equal match in terms of skill?” you mention, excitement in your tone at being able to finally meet the man you’d heard so much about. Lunae looks away.

“Is that what he says when I’m not around? You shouldn’t let him influence you,” the dragon murmurs. You laugh.

“I’ll take that to mean that what he said is accurate,” you tease before humming, “but if he is as careless about himself as you say, I’ll have to get used to him, as well. Especially if he’s setting himself up to become a frequent patient.”

“If I hadn’t witnessed his skill for myself, I would’ve assumed that he was an amateur. You can surely expect to see him often,” Imbibitor Lunae says with a slight frown. Able to tell that he’s simply worried about his friend’s safety, you don’t comment further.

Arriving at the hall, you notice a recognizable General from afar, waving with a bright smile before approaching the unfamiliar man with fiery red-colored eyes alongside Lunae.

“Ren. This is the healer I mentioned,” he states simply. Ren’s eyes settle on you before smiling. The way he says your name makes your heart skip a beat, but you refuse to let it show.

“I’ve heard plenty about you. Lunae doesn’t talk much, but when he mentions you, he gives you his highest regards,” Ren says. You glance over at his wrist, noticing the matching bracer.

Reaching over to tap on it lightly, you respond. “And I’ve heard plenty about you, as well. The reckless swordsman with zero regard for his own well-being,” you jab lightly. Ren narrows his eyes at Imbibitor Lunae.

“Ah, I wonder… who could’ve possibly said such a thing?” he asks. Lunae crosses his arms.

“You’re acting as if it’s a lie. Show them your injury,” he commands. Ren sighs, lifting his shirt and revealing a deep gash in his side. With how calm and nonchalant he’s been acting, you would’ve never suspected such a significant wound.

Suddenly, you feel as if you can understand Lunae’s earlier exasperation.

This man undoubtedly has no sense of self-preservation.

Understanding the realization you just arrived at, the Vidyadhara pats your shoulder gently. You offer him a sympathetic look for having such a mindless bosom friend.

“I’ll take good care of him, Lunae, even if he’s clearly a fool,” you insist. Ren smirks.

“I’m a swordsman, not a fool. You’re acting as if injury isn’t a part of the title,” he mentions. You click your tongue as you set your supplies on the nightstand beside his bed.

“Injury is not inherently a factor in any profession aside from healing. Getting hurt doesn’t make you a swordsman, it just makes you stupid,” you say as you begin disinfecting his wound.

Ren winces at the feeling, glancing at you. “How are you so certain that I’m being reckless, then?” he asks.

“Lunae doesn’t call anyone ‘skilled’ so easily. If he says you are, then it means you could probably avoid these injuries but elect not to of your own accord,” you respond quickly. The man’s eyes widen, speechless and unable to reply. Laughing at his sudden silence, you raise a brow.

“Did I hit it right on target? You’re a bit easy to read, you know,” you mention lightheartedly. However, Ren falls silent. You tilt your head, setting the bloodied cloth aside.

“What’s wrong?” you ask curiously, startled at his sudden silence and lack of banter.

“You’re right in your assumption, but it’s more than mere recklessness. Tell me, as a healer, how many short-life species have you seen meet their end? How many deaths have you witnessed?” he questions. You frown, hands resting on your lap.

“Many— dozens over the years,” you murmur.

“Exactly. We’re surrounded by Vidyadharas, Foxians, Xianzhou natives— we’re just a small part of an endless stream of their lives. I mean, one day, I’ll be a distant memory as you live on. It’s hard not to be so…” Ren trails off. You sigh, thinking about his predicament.

Although you were a Vidyadhara yourself, every single patient you’ve had that’s passed has remained ever present in your mind. You did not think it was about the lifespan, rather the impact an individual made in someone’s life.

Despite that, you could understand his cynicism. Given that the man was around the same visual age as you, early 20s, you both had around the same amount of time remaining. This incarnation of you would soon pass, and you’d forget everything from this life.

Though you would technically live on, you would no longer be yourself. This version of you would disappear.

It’s practically a death in itself.

Smiling, you voice your empathy towards his situation. “Ren, I get it. Trust me, I have the same amount of time left that you do, and it can make you feel really… hopeless.”

Ren seems shocked, unable to say a word. Continuing your ramble, you hum as you grab your suture needle and thread and begin mending his wound.

“Though, I think you’ve got it backwards. The fact that you have such a small lifespan is precisely why you should cherish it. You don’t need to live for centuries to enjoy life. We all meet our end someday. Don’t let yourself regret how you spent the time you did have,” you explain with a kind tone, careful hands continuing to close the cut.

Ren remains silent, and you allow him the time to process your words thoroughly. Though the atmosphere is quiet, it’s comfortable, allowing you to focus on bandaging his wound after applying the proper salves and ointments.

“You know, you’re quite the optimist despite how much death you witness each day,” Ren mentions. You laugh lightly, pulling your hands away after securing the gauze.

“I have all eternity in the afterlife to lament my losses. I only have this remaining lifetime to enjoy myself to the fullest,” you state. Ren smiles at this, pulling his shirt down as he watches you pack your things.

“I like that way of thinking. Maybe you’d be a good influence on me,” he mentions with a softened gaze.

“If you start being a little less reckless, then you can say I’ve been a good influence,” you insist.

“But how can I guarantee seeing you again if I don’t get injured?” Ren asks with a smirk, clearly jesting in an attempt to tease. You roll your eyes playfully.

“I’ll see you for any injuries as needed, but if you want my company outside of my aid, you can just ask,” you say with a small grin.

“In that case, I’d like to see you again. It’s nice to have someone who understands what it’s like to be on borrowed time.”

“A century of lifetime is hardly ‘borrowed time,’ Ren. But I’ll take you up on that offer. Lunae’s stoicism gets a little scary after a while,” you chime lightly. The man holds back a laugh before nodding.

Heading towards the door, you pause for a moment and glance back at him.

“Oh, and Ren?” you pipe up.

“Hm? What is it?”

“Just dodge the strike next time. I’m certain you’re capable,” you say with a small smile. Ren chuckles and nods.

“I’ll try my best.”

Following that first meeting, Ren becomes a regular patient, though becoming injured far less frequently than before, according to Imbibitor Lunae.

Outside of your healer duties, the two of you spend plenty of time together— both alone and alongside mutual friends.

You remember growing incredibly fond of him, enjoying his company and becoming closer with each passing day. Previously, the days flew by for you, but upon meeting him, everything slowed. At the time, your heart was certain that your remaining days would be enjoyable with him by your side.

He was unquestionably a talented swordsman, but that wasn’t what drew you in. His skill was just a single asset in a sea of admirable qualities. He was compassionate and firm in his beliefs. Despite how little he cared for himself initially, he was loyal and fought for his values fiercely.

Above all else, he was kind to you. Even when he bantered, joking and teasing to incite a response, there was always a sense of tenderness in his actions towards you.

Though, things are still foggy. Faces are still unrecognizable and blurry— such as that of the General the past you so casually mentioned. Memories are still missing— crucial ones that you can hear remnants of in your mind.

You can feel your heart breaking upon learning something, but have not a clue what. It makes your heart feel distant— dreadful. Then, you’re filled with uncertainty and sadness as a voice— one that you’re certain is Imbibitor Lunae’s— echoes through your mind.

“Your time is coming. Have you considered your options?

“Whatever you choose to do, know that I will respect your decision.”

The voices of the various memories begin overlapping in your mind. You’re forgetting something— an important promise— but you cannot place it.

Everything is meshing together, causing your mind to spiral. Lingering feelings from your past clash harshly with distant voices from your memories—

What is it that you’re forgetting?

What is the promise that you’ve already forgotten?

Eyes snapping open, you lurch forward with a gasp, your heart pounding in your chest. Panting for air, you take a moment to observe your surroundings in an attempt to ground yourself.

Your head is still spinning, but you’re able to pick up the scent of incense in the air. It’s a calming blend, used to help soothe particularly antsy patients. As intended, it helps steady your pulse and ground you in reality.

Upon recognizing the sounds of shuffling, your eyes wander over to where Bailu is entering the room hurriedly, a bowl of water and a towel in hand.

“You’re awake! You should lay back down. The episode you had was rather intense,” she advises, rushing to your side and helping you ease back down onto the bed.

Gratefully, you accept her assistance. Though you’re aware of your surroundings and where you are, your head still spins with new fragmented memories. Your head is pounding, causing you to groan a bit.

Bailu lets out a soft huff as she wrings the towel and places the cooled cloth across your forehead.

“To think that a name could trigger such an intense reaction… who exactly was this man to you?” the healer murmurs to herself before shaking her head.

“What… happened? I remember coming across a familiar name, but I blacked out afterwards. I know it triggered a memory but… an episode..?” you ask. Bailu looks at you with a frown.

“Somehow, remembering this name caused you to be overwhelmed with information. All of your past emotions regarding him rushed to the forefront of your mind faster than you could handle, unable to conceptualize it,” she explains and shakes her head. “That’s why you blacked out. I didn’t expect that a name would have this effect. How are you feeling?”

You shut your eyes and ponder for a moment. You remember Imbibitor Lunae and Ren. Other faces and names remain foggy, but you certainly have many more answers than you did before. Unfortunately with that came countless more questions.

“I feel… dizzy, but somewhat fulfilled. I remembered a lot,” you hum, content with the new bits of information that your mind could handle. Bailu nods as she does a quick check on your heart rate and pulse.

“Then the risk was worthwhile. So, Blade. Who is he to you?” she inquires with a curious tone while focusing on checking your vitals. You pause before averting your gaze.

“That… I don’t remember. I remembered how I met him. It was through a mutual friend, but the nature of our relationship remains vague…” you mumble before a soft smile makes its way onto your face.

“What I do recall is that I loved him dearly. Ren— that’s his actual name. I loved him more than anything, but I have no idea what became of our relationship. He could hate me now and I’d have no idea…” Your expression falls, suddenly feeling dejected at the thought of Ren disliking you.

It doesn’t feel right. Something within you is telling you that such a thing is impossible, but you’re afraid to face that part of yourself lest you cause your mind to fracture once more.

“Well, fret not. Now that you’ve broken through and remembered something considerably significant, it’ll be easier to trigger the rest using similar methods. Though, It’s best not to rush the process or you’ll aggravate this sort of episode again,” Bailu warns, and you nod in understanding.

However, your heart wavers. Knowing that your memories will soon return is… terrifying. Being reminded of your connection with Blade was jarring. The criminal on the flyers is a stark contrast to the man from your memories.

Surely, the remainder of your memories is bound to provide an explanation. Judging by the way your chest tightens, it’s not a pleasant tale.

“Bailu… Should this be something I aim to remember? Nothing can change the fact that the man I once knew is a criminal, wanted by the IPC. Is it… right for me to remember all of this?” you inquire, hands shaky as you stare up at the ceiling with teary eyes.

Desperately, you want to grab on to any shred of familiarity from your past. Deep down, you know you want— need to remember Ren and the warmth you once shared with him.

Despite that longing, he’s still a fugitive. Perhaps living in ignorance is the better option if it means sparing yourself from a truth you’re unprepared for.

However, Bailu doesn’t pass judgment, nor does she chastise you for your honest worries tinged with your own wishes.

“You have the right to recall the past that was once yours. Even if Blade is a criminal now, that won’t change how you once felt— and likely still feel— about him. If you don’t want the truth or believe you’re unable to handle it, then we can leave it be. The decision is your own,” Bailu comforts, offering a faint smile. Her response brings you comfort, looking at the girl with a spark of life in your eyes.

“I plan on seeing it through fully. I loved him— part of me still does. I need to know what happened,” you express with renewed resolve. Bailu lets out a sigh accompanied by an affectionate smile.

“I assumed such would be the case. Just exercise precaution,” she mentions before continuing. “I’ll try to bring around any historical or personal texts I can find about Ren. I know you’re familiar with the General, so I’ll try finding texts involving him, too. I can’t make any promises. Historical accounts aren’t always accurate.”

“Anything you can do to help is appreciated, Bailu. It doesn’t have to be right away,” you assure her.

“I’ll try my best, but you may just have to wait until, by some kind of miracle, we find something to directly do with your past. We may be unable to stimulate any more memories until then. In that case, we’d have to wait,” Bailu says. Your heart falls, but you try your best to mask your disappointment.

Before you’re able to respond and attempt to channel optimism into the conversation, the door to the clinic bursts open.

Like a whirlwind, Yanqing barrels into the room on quick feet, rushing straight to you.

Concerned with his apparent hurry, you sit up to meet him, scanning the boy for any potential injuries.

“What happened? Are you okay? Is someone injured?” you ask, mindset shifting into that of a long-time healer. Bailu regards him with a similar concern, hands on her hips as her expression remains serious.

Yanqing quickly shakes his head, instead plopping a journal onto your lap. His eyes shift from you to the door, as if he’s afraid of getting caught.

Your eyes glance at Yanqing quizzically, but he offers no response, shifting his weight from left to right nervously. Unsure of what he could’ve possibly brought to you that made him so paranoid, you shift your attention to the text, eyes glancing over the calligraphy.

As you read the title, your breath gets caught in your throat, the journal nearly slipping from your grasp.

“This is…”

Jing Yuan’s Diary.

As much as Yanqing admires the Divine Foresight and Arbiter-General, Jing Yuan, he doesn’t blindly follow him.

Truthfully, he finds himself disagreeing with the man more than he’d care to admit. While it’s typically in regards to Yanqing’s boundless ambition towards training, the General insisting that the boy needs a break, this is the first time that they’ve disagreed over something considerably important.

This is also the first time that he’d be doing something in direct defiance of Jing Yuan.

Firm in his decision, Yanqing knows he must take matters into his own hands.

Blade may be one of the IPC’s most wanted criminals, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer, too. Jing Yuan insists that you’re better off living in naivety, but what the General doesn’t see is the pain you experience and show when you believe no one is watching.

Admittedly, Yanqing has always been fond of you as a mentor and guardian. Unfortunately, that also means he can read you rather well.

In moments of solitude, he notices how lost you look. He can recognize that you’re suffering, saddled with emotions with no explanation as to why they burden you so.

Yanqing has grown tired of seeing you shed tears over the shards of your past that you’ve tried desperately to glean more from.

Catching you tear up over Blade’s photo, then witnessing the way the General still insisted on keeping you ignorant was his last straw.

Jing Yuan has too little faith in your resolve, he thinks.

You’re a healer by nature, finding your way back to the profession even in this reincarnation. With the way you’ve always passionately helped others, scolding them when they show little care for their well-being, is proof enough that you won’t stray from the right path— even if you learn the truth.

That’s why, the moment Jing Yuan departs to the Divination Commission to meet with Fu Xuan, Yanqing resolves to steal his diary.

It’s unlike the ones where he’s written about Snowmoon and Mimi. Instead, it’s a journal the man keeps tucked away— one he writes in after his encounters with you and your sparse memories. Each time you return with a new sliver of the past, the General writes.

Though he’s uncertain if it’ll have all the answers, Yanqing is sure that it’ll provide far more than Jing Yuan is willing to provide of his own volition.

Whether he’s being driven by his childish immaturity, an excuse of heroic drive, or simply because he cares for you, the boy has no idea. What he’s certain of is that, just because they’re unable to share the knowledge with Blade (for obvious reasons), doesn’t mean you should be left wandering in the dark of disorientation.

Do you not have the right to remember a life that once belonged to you?

Nabbing the diary is a rather easy feat. Cloud Knights posted in the hall pay him little mind due to the close relationship he has with the General, so it goes unnoticed when the diary disappears from Jing Yuan’s desk, Yanqing slipping it beneath his robe.

Under the guise of visiting you to replace the bandage on his face, he hurries out of the building. Once he’s far enough from anyone who might catch him, he flips through the diary, skimming the paragraphs.

Truthfully, it contains far more than he anticipated. It recounts the day you met Jing Yuan, alongside accounts of your close friendship with a man named “Lunae.” Scattered throughout the script are many recounts of your experiences with Ren and the General.

Not only does it contain information from your past, but the man made notes spanning from back then all the way to the present, still-drying ink on the pages mentioning how you’ve started to recognize Blade once more.

From what Yanqing can gather, the General was once a firm supporter of your relationship with Ren, but upon your return and Blade’s falling into criminality, he knew he had to protect you.

Yanqing couldn’t help but frown. Jing Yuan is hiding you to prevent Blade from finding you, especially before you can regain memories. While it seems he never intended to separate you permanently, the General makes it pretty clear that he wishes to do so indefinitely lest you fall into the same path your past lover did.

There’s no doubt that the General truly cares for you and your well-being…

But Yanqing knows that he cannot keep coddling and protecting you from a decision that is ultimately your own.

The memories within these pages belong just as much to Jing Yuan as they do you. Jing Yuan made his decision to remain at the Luofu as an honorable General of the Cloud Knights.

Yanqing thinks you should be allowed the opportunity to make a choice for yourself, too.

Naturally, he feels a bit guilty for his direct defiance of the man’s orders, but he feels that he has to do this.

Fleeing towards the Healer Lady’s clinic, he weaves through crowds of people with ease. As he moves, he passes by various bulletins, posted with the wanted posters that prompted this entire ordeal. Reminded of the pain you and your lover went through, he frowns.

He’s not naive. He’s young, but has already seen the cruelty the world has to offer in the form of the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus and the Mara-Struck soldiers.

Yanqing knows that telling you won’t repair your relationship with Ren. It won’t take back all of the suffering you two have experienced. He’s not even positive that the journal will cause you to recall anything.

Either way, he’s determined to at least provide the option to you that was once forcefully barred off by Jing Yuan. Whether or not you actually want the truth that’s been hidden is up to you.

Regrettably, nothing that Yanqing does in the present can rescue you and Ren from your tumultuous past.

However, at the very least, knowing the truth will be able to ease your heart and steady your mind.

And that’s enough of a reason for him to continue forth.

Yanqing looks to you worriedly as your hands tremble, clutching the diary tightly in your grasp.

You feel yourself waver beneath the metaphorical weight of what this journal holds— the truth. The full story.

Breaking the silence in an attempt to ease your nerves, the young swordsman pipes up.

“Jing Yuan has been keeping track of his time with you, Blade, and your mutual friends since long before you reincarnated. It contains many stories… especially of you and…” Yanqing trails off. You let out a timid laugh, shaking your head.

“I knew he was hiding something but… I suppose one showing is worth a hundred sayings. I never expected that it was something of this degree…” you murmur. Taking into consideration your last episode from recalling Ren’s name alone, you look worriedly to Bailu for guidance.

Bailu walks over, taking the diary from your unsteady hands and flipping through it curiously.

“Aeons, talk about a well-timed miracle,” she mumbles. “Yanqing, I have no interest in knowing how you got your hands on this, but it should prove useful. In the meantime, let them replace your bandage while I take a moment to look through the contents.”

Yanqing opens his mouth to protest, but she cuts him off.

“In their current state, it’d be far too much for their mind to handle. They learned of Blade’s true name today and that small shard of information was enough to set off so much that it rendered them unconscious,” Bailu says with a sharp glare. Huffing, she shakes her head upon seeing Yanqing’s defiant expression.

“We’ll move forward in a controlled manner. I’m not your General. I don’t plan on hiding anything from them. They’re sound in their decision of wanting the truth. I’ll respect that, you have my word,” she promises before moving to her desk to peruse the contents of the diary further.

Yanqing sighs and turns to you, concern replacing his earlier expression. “You fainted? Are you alright?” he asks.

“I’m fine, Yanqing. It’s as Lady Bailu says. I just need to take things slow,” you reassure. He glances over you for any visible injuries before noticeably relaxing, nodding in understanding.

“That… makes sense. If it’s safer, then I’ll go along with it,” he says. You smile warmly, grabbing your supplies from the side table and carefully removing Yanqing’s old bandage.

“I trust Bailu, but I’m grateful that you’ve gone to these lengths for me. You’re young, but rather firm in your resolve. It’s admirable, and I’m happy to know you’d do so much on my behalf. It reminds me of someone I once knew,” you muse, humming softly as you reapply a healing salve to cut on the boy’s nose.

Yanqing flushes under your praise before looking away as he shifts nervously.

“So… what’ll you do when you learn the truth? Do you have any idea?” he asks hesitantly. You look at him, amused.

“Are you worried that I’ll leave?” you ask. Yanqing’s eyes go wide.

“N-No! Well, of course I’d be worried, but…!” he sputters. You laugh, ruffling his hair.

“I just want to fill in the gaps in my mind, that’s all. Having all these pieces with nothing to tie them together takes a toll on the mind, body, and soul,” you inform before sighing, averting your gaze.

“I’m positive that I once loved Blade, and that I still do. It’s an undeniable fact that I know in my heart is the truth. Despite that, those times have long since come and gone. Ren… Blade— likely doesn’t remember or love me like he did before,” you say.

Yanqing pauses a moment, searching your expression before posing another question.

“If, despite all the time that’s passed, he still loves you just as he did back then, would you change your mind?”

You freeze, hands halting. Meeting his gaze, you can tell he’s concerned— worried about what you might say. As much as you want to lie, claim that it wouldn’t change anything— you know Yanqing would look right through you.

Sighing, you place a clean bandage over the cut and give him a sad smile.

“In all honesty, I don’t know. It’s for that reason I want the truth. Once I have the full story, maybe in it, I’ll find the guiding light of an answer.

“Perhaps only then, I’ll know what I’m meant to do.”

tag rqs : @ceylestia

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #honkai blade #hsr blade #blade hsr #honkai blade x reader #hsr blade x reader #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x reader #hsr fic #hsr fanfic #honkai star rail fanfic #honkai star rail fic #hsr angst #honkai star rail angst #cross posted on ao3 #ao3 crosspost #kaori-writes

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 immortality is an abundant curse (1)

pairing : blade x reader

tags : angst, hurt no comfort, reincarnation, canon divergence

word count : 5.3k

chapters : one • two • three

crossposted to : AO3

Summary : Like most good things involving his past, Blade keeps them buried deep within, only allowing himself to reminisce in the privacy of his own mind.

or

Blade recalls the events that caused him to curse his immortality.

Blade smirks at the way the Cloud Knights beside him tremble as they escort him to face the General. His footsteps echo throughout the hall— the only thing he could hear in the silence of the Shackling Prison.

He can hear the General address his underling before he feels a gaze settle on him. Glancing up, he wears a fierce expression as he meets Jing Yuan’s eyes.

The General speaks, “Do you remember me?”

“I remember,” he states, the following words grained into his mind as if they were coded into his very being.

“Of five people, three must pay a price,” Blade starts, smirking at the way the two visibly tense.

“You are not one of them, Jing Yuan.”

Before the General’s young protégé has a chance to react, Blade breaks free from his shackles, the metal flying off his wrists with ease. The Cloud Knights react a moment too late, allowing him the window of opportunity he needs to act first and throw them back.

A watery sword flies past his face, but he merely leans to the side out of the way.

Despite the young swordsman’s skills, his lack of experience and the gap between them is apparent.

With a triumphant expression, he looks to Jing Yuan, anger filling his gaze.

“Goodbye, General. I have more important matters to attend to,” Blade states before disappearing within the shadows of the prison. He can hear Jing Yuan hurriedly command his men to chase after him, but he knows nothing will come of it.

As Destiny’s Slave predicted, they were woefully unprepared, he thinks to himself.

The moment he’s out of their vicinity, that once smug expression falls, returning to its usual stoic, empty state. In his times of solitude, he seems to wear this blank expression often. Without the fires of vengeance fueling his emotions, he becomes a husk of who he used to be.

For a moment, he glances back at the prison he fled from.

Jing Yuan.

While he’s certain he’d be able to pin some sort of blame on the man for his suffering, he refuses to do so. There’s various reasons, but one stands out in his mind as the most prominent.

After all, there was once a time that he trusted his most precious treasure to the man. And that treasure of his was rather fond of the General.

Blade feels a small sliver of warmth at the memory.

Of course, you’d never forgive him if he brought his wrath upon Jing Yuan. You easily angered when he bickered with the man, insisting that the two had to talk it out and make amends. With your peacemaking, he could never stay mad at the other for long.

Besides, he thinks, there are others more directly responsible.

Staring blankly ahead, he pushes the thought aside as he arrives at the designated rendezvous point, eyes gazing off into the distance as Kafka approaches him.

“It took you long enough, Bladie. Thought I’d have to go ahead and get myself arrested without you here,” Kafka chides lightheartedly, “Did the General start monologuing or did you keep me waiting on purpose?”

“I waited for the opportunity to escape, as the slave instructed me to do,” he responds curtly. Kafka looks at him with a small smile.

“Still with that? Elio prefers being called by name, Blade,” she teases. Blade ignores her comment, focusing instead on the way his “name” sounds as she speaks.

“Blade” is but another thing borrowed from others to keep himself afloat. From the clothes on his back to this new name of his, it seems like everything holding him up is borrowed. Even long before he acquired said name, everything he owned was not his.

At least, almost everything. Though, it fills him with bitterness as ghosts of the past enter his head, lingering and meddling in his conscious mind.

Aside from his true name, you were his, were you not? Of course, he’d given you his heart and received yours in return, but that relationship was something that unequivocally belonged to him. It was not something gifted to him, nor was it something lent to him by a bosom friend.

What he had with you was something only the pair of you could understand or claim ownership over. A connection unlike any other— had he been more of an optimist, he’d have called you his soulmate.

Or, rather, if you were still around, perhaps the word “soulmate” wouldn’t drip off his tongue like venom.

Alas, aside from his past relationship, he, too, has his true name. Ren, a name that also belonged to him. Despite that, he prefers to continue on as “Blade” or “the unnamed.”

The name only served as a constant reminder of what is absent, however, so he no longer uses it. Just as he’s grown to no longer recognize the reflection staring back at him in the mirror, the name “Ren” seems less like his own and instead that of a stranger.

Without you there to say his name in the voice he’d once adored, his name became nothing but an untouched fragment of his past.

Alongside his memories of you, he refuses to allow his real name to be tainted by the vengeance, anger, and bitterness that fuels him today.

Like most good things involving his past, Blade keeps them buried deep within, only allowing himself to reminisce in the privacy of his own mind.

“…en! Ren!” a familiar voice calls out to him. Blade cracks open his eyes, finding that he is no longer his Stellaron Hunter self, but Ren.

He remembers this, unable to stop himself from smiling as he sees you fast approaching, a wide, loving smile on your face as your eyes meet. Ren doesn’t need to look around to know that he’s in a memory of his past— much preferring to enjoy this moment.

“You’re back early! Jing Yuan said you’d be out until sundown,” you chime, stopping in front of him. Glancing behind you, Ren spots the General, who offers a casual wave. Chuckling, he looks down at you.

“I finished my duties earlier than expected, so I returned early. What have you been up to? Causing the General trouble?” he asks teasingly, You hit him gently on the arm— a touch not meant to hurt— one that he misses dearly— before smiling.

“He’s causing me trouble, Ren. I’ve been trying to gather herbs and work, but he’s been bothering me incessantly! He seems to only live up to the title of ‘Dozing General’ when it suits him!” you outwardly complain. Ren has to hold back laughter lest he further provoke your ire, so he distracts himself by looking back at Jing Yuan with a quizzical expression.

“I was only telling this one that they work too hard... they could afford to learn a thing or two from my reputation. Ren, why do you allow them to continue overworking like this?” Jing Yuan questions, a docile smile on his face as he approaches, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“It’s because Ren gets injured all the time! He lets me work hard because he likes being pampered,” you retort, glancing over at him with a teasing smile. Ren narrows his eyes.

“I do not enjoy being pampered, as you so claim. You’re merely skilled at healing, so naturally, I’ll come to you for aid,” Ren responds simply. You raise a brow at him before your eyes wander to his arm, gasping.

“Hey! Why didn’t you say you were injured? Come on— I’m patching this up now! See, General? This is precisely why I had to find those medicinal herbs today!” You insist, dragging him off so you can properly tend to his wounds.

While you gather your needed supplies, Ren engages in a game of chess with the other man, using his good arm as you take hold of his injured one with a careful gentleness.

“Ren. Are you that unskilled of a swordsman, or are you doing this on purpose?” Jing Yuan inquires as he observes the board. Ren clicks his tongue.

“Neither. Even our enemies are able to strike me from time to time. I’m not immune to getting injured,” he says, wincing a bit as you disinfect his wound. The other man laughs.

“You also aren’t immortal, Ren. You and this restless lover of yours have short lives. You shouldn’t be so careless,” Jing Yuan scolds, overtaking him and winning their match with ease as if to punctuate his point. You laugh.

“Please, I keep forgetting you’re an old man. You know, I’m not exactly young either. Besides, there’s no such thing as true immortality. There never will be, so don’t be so silly, General. None of us are immortal, and I’m certain none of us take our lives for granted,” you speak gently. Ren glances at you, smiling.

“If we’re truly talking about someone considerably old, then shouldn’t we be talking about—” Ren is cut off by another voice.

“How many times must I mention this? I am not that old.” Imbibitor Lunae approaches with a terse expression. Ren opens his mouth to offer a greeting, but is interrupted once more.

“Injured again? You are lucky your lover is an adept healer, though you should be more careful,” the dragon says before seating himself at the table.

“That’s what I keep saying, but he never listens!” you insist, wrapping bandages around his injury before sighing, “Ren, you’re lucky I love you enough to do this for you.”

“Oh? Does that mean you’re allowing me to make a habit of this?” Ren asks.

“Absolutely not!” you retaliate.

The group bursts into laughter, even Lunae happens to be holding back a faint smile at your annoyance towards Ren’s carelessness.

Ren can’t hold back his own fond expression as he looks around the table— happy to be surrounded by those he cherished, by the people he loved.

Then, his smile falls as his eyes settle on you once more, and he has to remind himself that this is but a memory.

A phantom of what used to be.

No longer is he surrounded by the warmth of close friends. No longer is he familiar with the gentle touch of his lover— all of this is a distant part of his now extended life.

During these times, he was happy.

Despite being surrounded by Vidyadharas, Xianzhou natives, and Foxians, he adored the life he once had. Unlike many others, he did not lament over the span of his life in comparison to those around him. Even if his existence was short-lived, he would be allowed to spend it in its entirety with you.

You were both destined to have a short lifespan, but how lucky he was to be able to spend the entirety of his ephemeral existence with you. The Aeons had truly smiled upon him, allowing him the opportunity to live a fulfilling life alongside someone who had the same outlook.

You both saw the direct effects of chasing after immortality— witnessing the havoc brought by the Denizens of Abundance. Aside from that, having each other was enough to keep you both content.

You’d live together, then you’d eventually die together.

You were supposed to live and die together.

Ren was never supposed to be alive without you by his side.

With that bitterness, the memory quickly fades back into black, another voice bringing him back to the reality he wishes never was.

“Blade? Bladie! Have you always been this unresponsive?” Kafka murmurs. Blade huffs.

“I was thinking,” he mutters.

“I didn’t know you could do that, but could it wait? We still have work to do. First things first, you’re covered in blood, and I have no interest in knowing whose it is, but you should clean it,” Kafka mentions. Blade doesn’t need to look to know it’s his own.

His expression becomes grim at the glaring reminder of what he is: immortal with a monstrous healing ability. More importantly, he’s unable to die.

Blade has become considerably inhuman. Healing salves and medicine are things of the past to him. No longer does he need careful hands to clean his wounds— he just allows them to scar over these days.

Distantly, he can hear your voice echoing in his mind, scolding him for not taking care of himself— insisting that he had to clean his injuries lest they scar over.

But he sees no point. If it isn’t the familiar warmth of his lover, he doesn’t want any sort of first aid or assistance.

Perhaps, each scar is a manifestation of the monster he’s become. Maybe it’s merely his way of punishing himself. Either way, he cares little about it. He thinks it’s counterproductive to ponder about these sorts of things. Thoughts seldom bring back the dead.

“There you go again, lost in your head,” Kafka complains, crossing her arms. “At least enlighten me. You remember parts of your past, don’t you? Care to share with the class?”

Blade remains silent, causing Kafka to laugh a bit.

“Come on. There must be a reason that you’re gloomy and pissed all the time in private. You only have that aggressive ferocity when it has to do with your revenge. Otherwise, you’re practically a husk. So? What’s your story?” she asks with a smirk. He looks away, expression remaining a blank slate.

Such things aren’t her business. Those memories would remain untouched.

“Beyond my need and targets for vengeance, I don’t remember anything,” he claims in a monotonous tone. Clearly, it’s convincing enough for Kafka because she quickly continues with her own train of thought.

“Well, I’ve heard through the grapevine that you used to be less… bland. You used to be cheerful, apparently. I can’t imagine it, personally, much less what could’ve happened to change you into the polar opposite. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just a rumor,” Kafka muses.

“I can hardly believe it. It’s likely just a baseless rumor,” Blade expresses, though deep down his chest tightens. Reminded of your expression, he knows that there indeed exists a time where he could truly consider himself happy.

All of it is so far in the past that he hardly remembers how it feels— true joy. He’s familiar with the burning sensation rage brought, and the slight satisfaction of getting the upper hand— but happiness?

Much like his former self, it’s a concept that’s become foreign to him.

Despite how he may feel about that, it’s unimportant. The joy of his past is insignificant in the face of the tragedy of your passing and his “prosperity.”

Nothing can change the fact that you’re gone and he, by some curse, isn’t.

Above all else, revenge on your behalf is Blade’s top priority.

He still needs to pay for taking everything away from him.

For cursing him with his current disposition.

Initially, Blade— Ren is naive to just how awful a curse immortality is.

On the brink of a premature death, he lies near motionless in Imbibitor Lunae’s arms, vision blurring in and out of focus. Breathing is painful, yet his body is numb.

He rasps out your name, wishing only to see your face in his final moments— wishing that he had more time with you.

It’s too soon— I need more time, he thinks to himself.

I don’t want to die.

Perhaps, Imbibitor Lunae can hear these thoughts of his, or perhaps, driven by his own desires, refuses to allow Ren to die.

Before he knows it, it feels as if a new life is being breathed into him, his body rapidly healing, taking in a sharp inhale as his vision clears and his body repairs itself.

With wide eyes, he looks to the Vidyadhara, communicating all of his thoughts through a single expression.

Fear.

“I’m… healed..? I feel different… you…” Ren trails off. The other does not speak, and the silence is the answer he needs.

He says nothing. Because that day, he is allowed to return home to you and your loving warmth. Ren fools himself into believing that, perhaps, immortality is a blessing in certain circumstances.

Wrapped up in your arms once more, he actually believes himself to be lucky to have immortality bestowed upon him.

However, just as quick as Lunae made the decision to breathe immortality into him, he’s reminded of why immortality is nothing but a curse of abundance.

Ren finds himself coming to believe that he would’ve been better off dying and awaiting your arrival in the afterlife. Though he would’ve broken his promise to live and die by your side, you both would’ve been better off.

You both would’ve been happier.

Instead, he’s forced to watch you slowly crumble with age. Strangely, you never visually grow any older, but he can see the way your body slows— the pain you’re in.

Jing Yuan, Lunae, and himself are forced to watch as your cheery disposition mellows out as you grow older, unable to run around and gather herbs as you once did, hardly able to keep fighting alongside everyone else anymore.

Despite that, you still dutifully mend his wounds. You make no comment on his immortality or the pace at which he healed— you never did since finding out about it. Whether it’s for his sake or yours, he doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know if you detest him for it.

With time, your mellowness becomes weakness until you can only be out for a couple of hours at a time— bedbound when your body no longer allows for activity.

Your outlook is grim. Ren knows this just as well as his close confidants do, but he never leaves your side. His love for you never wavers.

Just as you did for him in your younger years, he cares for you dutifully. The man makes your meals, mixes your medicine, entertains you— anything you need.

Though you both remain the perfect picture of your younger selves, your body is breaking down while Ren remains as he did the day he was granted immortality.

Desperately, Ren attempts to ignore your incoming demise— trying to push down his pain when he sees you become more and more tired, the color of your eyes dulling with each passing day— the only physical sign that you’re nearing your end.

Before he knows it, before he’s ready, that fateful day arrives.

Ren is forced to leave your side to tend to his duties. As much as he doesn’t want to, he has to go, hardly able to bring himself to walk away, let alone bid farewell, even if it’s temporary.

“Leaving…? When will you be back?” you ask in a gentle voice, the warmth never leaving your tone no matter how weak you’ve become. Ren smiles softly, trying to save face as he runs his fingers through your hair.

“By nightfall. I’ll be back by your side before you know it,” he promises. There’s an expression in your eyes that he can’t quite place, but you speak before he can acknowledge it.

“Ah… but it always feels so long for me,” you mention with a light laugh. The sentence holds an unspoken weight, acknowledging the vast differences in your lifespans. Ren has to hold back tears as he leans down and kisses your forehead.

“Either way, I’ll be back today. I won’t keep you waiting,” he says, pulling away. Ren glances over at the door where Imbibitor Lunae and Jing Yuan stand, soon forcing himself from your side and walking over.

“They’ll be okay,” Jing Yuan states, a silent oath to watch over you visible in his determined expression. Ren nods, preparing to leave before you call out.

“Ren?”

He looks back at you.

“Yes? What is it? Is something wrong?” he asks. You pause, searching his expression.

“If something happens… Promise you’ll find your way back to me,” you say. Ren’s heart tightens at the fragility in your gaze— the worry in your tone. Forcing another smile, he hopes to reassure you.

“Nothing will happen to me. I promise. I’ll return to you,” he swears. For a moment, you seem like you have something else to say, but bite your tongue. Instead, you nod, regarding him with a saddened yet adoring expression.

“If you insist. Goodbye, Ren. I love you,” you say.

“See you again, my love. I love you too,” he responds and walks out the door.

The day passes and upon his return, he wishes that he’d never left in the first place.

“They’re gone, Ren. I walked away for just a moment and they left,” Jing Yuan insists.

“It can’t be that simple! They have to be around here somewhere— we have to find them!” Ren insists in a panic, about to dash out the door.

This time, Lunae stops him with a firm grip of his shoulder.

“They’re no longer with us. It’s been hours since their disappearance. Jing Yuan already searched tirelessly and fruitlessly,” the Vidyadhara reminds him. Ren wants to retaliate— he desperately wants to insist that you must be out there, but Jing Yuan interrupts him before he can start.

“I had a feeling. They said goodbye to you, Ren. They knew. I don’t think they wanted us to see them like that. They didn’t want us to remember them in… this state,” Jing Yuan explains, a grim expression on his face as he glances over at the empty bed. Ren feels his heart shatter, tearing himself away from the two.

“No! I have to see it for myself!” he insists angrily, running off in hopes that you’d be out collecting herbs like you always did— hoping that you’d return to him with a loving smile.

Ren never found you.

Years passed, and aside from tales written in stories and memories, it was as if you never existed.

No matter how hard he looked, he never found you, dead or alive.

As time continued on without you, his resentment grew as grief shattered his mind. Ren learned the true pain of being immortal— living knowing that all he’d ever loved had departed from this world.

Ren will never meet you in the afterlife. And you will never return.

This fact causes him to bury his memories beneath vengeance and fury— his mind set on delivering karmic debt to those who caused this predicament. Cutting himself off from who he used to be, he wanders— an unnamed whose existence becomes bathed in blood.

He’s desperate to die— to meet you once more, but he'll be unable to face you if he doesn’t drag those who caused this down with him. Immortality is a sin, but more so is the centuries he’s been keeping you waiting in the netherworld.

It is then that he meets Kafka and Destiny’s Slave, Elio.

While unable to return you to him, they provide the promise of death in return for his cooperation.

Thus, “Blade” was born, now enacting his plans for vengeance in hopes that at the end of it all,

He’ll be freed from this curse, finally able to reunite with you in death.

Firm in his resolve, he turns towards Kafka once more, having become clearly disinterested given the way he continuously ignored her.

“We shouldn’t idle around. Let’s go,” Blade states, eyes alight with passionate fury once more.

Aboard another section of the Xianzhou Luofu, a lone Vidyadhara stares curiously at a pair of wanted posters newly plastered on the bulletin.

Eyes trained on the male, you feel your heart tighten, a strange feeling of longing filling your chest.

“Blade… Blade…?” The name feels foreign on your tongue, but the face of this man is anything but. A single tear rolls down your face, causing you to reach up, wiping it away with slight confusion.

“Why am I…?” your voice trails off as you look back at the photo. It all feels so familiar, but you’re unable to place it. It’s disheartening.

“Hey! There you are!” a young voice calls out. You turn around, smiling as a young swordsman prances up to you.

“My apologies, I didn’t know you were looking for me,” you say softly. Yanqing hums.

“Not me, the General. The Healer Lady finished your medicine and she wants to see you aga— are you okay? Were you crying?” he asks worriedly, concern etched into his features. You laugh lightly and glance back at the poster. Yanqing’s eyes follow your gaze and he has to hold back a gasp upon realizing what you were looking at.

“It’s nothing. This man just seems… familiar to me. It’s been so long and everything is still so foggy to me… I wonder if he’s from my previous incarnation, but I cannot be certain,” you explain, clearly distressed. Yanqing gently grabs your hand, leading you forward.

“W-Well! Lady Bailu always says you shouldn’t force it, so let’s get going. You can talk with her about it. I’m sure she’ll give you much more insight than I could,” he chimes. You smile, nodding in agreement.

“That’s true. Bailu is far more familiar with this than I am despite reincarnating much more recently than I. I’m grateful to have been in her care. Oh, and of course, I’m plenty grateful that the General has been caring for me now, as well,” you hum, allowing the boy to drag you off to the Seat of Divine Foresight.

Upon your arrival, the General glances over with a fond smile. This man also seems very familiar to you, but as Yanqing mentioned, forcing memories of your past is unwise. Without having anyone who knew your last incarnate, you just had to wait. If they return, they would do so naturally.

“General! I found them,” the boy called out. Jing Yuan nods.

“Welcome back. How was your stroll?” he asks kindly. You walk over, offering a warm expression.

“It was lovely. Though I can’t journey out behind the Exalting Sanctum, I still enjoy the scenery,” you express. Jing Yuan chuckles.

“I'm glad you don’t mind the restriction. It’s for safety purposes. Of course, I’m sure your work with Bailu will allow you more freedom. It’d just be better if you didn’t venture out without an escort,” Jing Yuan explains, watching as you acknowledge his statement with a smile.

“I know, and I understand why. Ah, Lady Bailu is waiting for me, right? She’s checking up on me, then I have to tend to my duties with her,” you mention. The General nods.

“She’ll be here shortly. While I still have you here, have any new memories come through?” he asks curiously, a slight glimmer of hope in his eyes. You look away, that painful feeling returning once more.

“Yes, but… it’s… that man in the wanted posters. He looks so familiar to me, but the name doesn’t feel right,” you murmur before offering a wry smile. “Perhaps he just reminds me of someone I once knew? I’m not certain, but it’s something.”

Jing Yuan remains silent for a moment before brushing it off quickly before you notice. With a sympathetic smile, he walks over and places a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“Even so, it’s a step closer towards remembering. Now, why don’t you await Bailu’s arrival outside? I have a few matters I need to discuss with Yanqing,” the General says. You glance between the two before bowing politely.

“Of course. I’ll see you two later. Yanqing. Stop by later so I can replace the bandage on your face. If you don’t keep it clean, it’ll scar,” you chide lightly. Yanqing pouts a bit at your insistence but agrees nonetheless.

“I will! See you later!” he chimes. You wave at the pair before exiting the hall. Soon after you leave, the young boy’s expression falls, looking over at the General.

“I know Blade is evil, but… is this really right, General? Keeping their memories from them and hiding their existence from him seems…” Yanqing trails off. Jing Yuan releases a deep exhale.

Truthfully, your return had come as a shock to him as well. Just as Ren did, he firmly believed you were a human.

Imagine his shock when you returned, not as a human, but a Vidyadhara. It was then that he learned that, like Imbibitor Lunae, your horns and tail would appear at your will, and your ears were far less pointy than your draconic counterparts.

When you had disappeared that day, you had done so to properly reincarnate once more. However, he only managed to find you now in your young adult years after seeing you work alongside Bailu.

Since that day, he’d been keeping his promise from ages ago to watch over you and keep you safe. All of it was an easy feat given that you trusted him rather quickly, likely due to an inherent familiarity you had toward him.

You couldn’t remember who he was, those memories buried deep within your consciousness, given that you’d spent years on your own, mind foggy and memories shattered.

While he’s certain that it’s but a matter of time until your memories return, he sincerely hopes it won’t be anytime soon.

Keeping you hidden away from the public eye is difficult enough as is. If you remember, he’ll have no choice but to respect your wishes, no matter what they may be.

Turning towards Yanqing, Jing Yuan gives him a stern gaze.

“Yangqing. It goes beyond the comfort of knowing. If I told Re— Blade, he’d want to remain by their side,” he starts and his expression becomes grim. “Tell me. As he is now, an IPC fugitive and a Stellaron Hunter, do you think Blade could provide them with the life they deserve, or the stability they need?”

Yanqing quiets momentarily before speaking up again, “But..! Back then, you always told me they were so close— that Blade is this way because he lost them. Maybe if he at least knew…”

Jing Yuan sighs. He cannot fault the naivety of a child, let alone the pure hopefulness in his expression, but he has to explain it properly lest the boy do something rash.

“If he knew, he’d stop at nothing to be with them. Right now, he longs for death solely to be reunited with them. Blade has long since abandoned the righteous path. While I cannot fault him for it, I also don’t doubt that he’d burn down the entire Luofu if it meant returning with them,” the General explained. Quickly noticing Yanqing’s saddened expression, he ruffles his hair playfully.

“It’s better this way. I promise you that,” he assures. The young swordsman sighs.

“I know but it’s all so sad! They saw his picture and started crying. I didn’t know what to do…”

“Well, they’ll learn the truth someday. All we can do is keep them safe until then. When the time comes, they’ll make their own decision of what to do with the burden of their past.”

Yanqing frowns. “It seems cruel to have to make that choice. I wish they didn’t have to…”

Jing Yuan hums in agreement, but allows the conversation to taper off, leaving them in silence.

Perhaps, there exists a timeline where neither of you were cursed with immortality— a world where, back in those lighter days, the two of you lived and died together.

However, it seems that the Aeons had other plans for you two. The General considers himself lucky to have been saved from such a tragedy.

After all, Jing Yuan is certain that you and Blade are soulmates. No amount of pain or suffering will change that.

What he’s clueless about is if, or rather, when your memories return to you and you recall the way your soul was once intertwined with Ren’s,

Would you allow it to remain but a distant memory, something to be left to the times of your past? Or…

Would you stray away from the proper path to return to Blade’s side?

Only time can tell, and that time, he knows, is fast approaching.

#honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail #honkai blade #hsr blade #blade hsr #honkai blade x reader #hsr blade x reader #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x reader #hsr fic #hsr fanfic #honkai star rail fanfic #honkai star rail fic #hsr angst #honkai star rail angst #cross posted on ao3 #ao3 crosspost #kaori-writes

[kaorisun]

dead account has been revamped (again)! please check the updated masterpost for new rules, fandoms, etc.! if u followed me for bloomic, I no longer write it but the fics will remain!

i write genshin, hsr, and enstars as of current! requests are closed for hsr as I wanna focus on my own ideas for a bit, but feel free to rq enstars or genshin! 🌱

many thanks, friends! <3 kaori

#kaori-chats

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. leaving the server

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, & toasty

tags ; heavy angst, sad ending, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; hey all! sorry to push back after hours and requests, but im in a mood felt an inclination to write this hc set. I hope you all can forgive me for putting off asks another night ;; but regardless, I hope you enjoy this set! angsty and sad >:)

NIGHTOWL —

— It started as a normal night. You were in a group call with a few server members— after such an awful work day, returning home and chatting with your friends always made you feel better. Usually, that is.

— After a few moments of comfortable silence among you, June, and Onion passed, you three were alerted to another person joining the call. June visibly perked up and smiled softly.

— “Hey Nightowl! What’s up?” She asked. He looked peeved, ignoring her completely before his eyes were on you— feeling his burning stare through the screen. You tensed for a moment, but stayed silent, allowing him the room to speak about whatever was on his mind.

— “(y/n). What happened? We were supposed to call tonight. You promised.” He insisted, a slight bitter tone present in his voice. You gave an apologetic smile and glanced away.

— “Sorry, Nightowl. Work wasn’t… great today. Onion and June offered to keep me company since you were offline at the time. I guess I lost track of time, I’m sorry.” You said softly.

— “Yeah! We were just trying to cheer them up! No harm!” June added on and Nightowl huffed a bit, clearly still irritated.

— “You couldn’t have pinged me or something? I would’ve been there if you had.” He muttered and Onion let out a long sigh.

— “Actually, I was the one that advised against them doing that. I knew you’d be busy studying, so I offered up support along with June in the meantime. It’s beneficial for everyone. You stay focused, they get support. It’s not like you can’t still call them, you know.” Onion mentioned and Nightowl rolled his eyes, now clearly pissed off.

— “Oh, so you’re making decisions for them now, Onion? That’s not the point. I want to be here for them and it’s like you were intentionally trying to keep me from them. If you were actually capable of liking someone, I’d almost suspect that you had a crush on them or something.” Nightowl seethed and June let out a soft gasp. You weren’t having any of this either. Onion was still your friend— he was only being considerate.

— “Hey! Nightowl, that was uncalled for. I agreed with his plan because I didn’t want to distract you either. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. He was only trying to be considerate in his own way.” You insisted, exasperation clear in your tone. You were tired. Far too tired to play mediator, but you didn’t want them to fight.

— “Why is it fine when he’s trying to be considerate, when it’s clearly not something I want? I’m supposed to just go along with it because he’s being considerate? What about what I want?” Nightowl snapped and Onion let out a soft groan.

— “Nightowl we didn’t know what else to do. We weighed the options we had and picked one. Fighting about this is pointless.” Onion muttered. June nodded vigorously in agreement— clearly wanting to end any conflict here.

— “It’s not pointless!” Nightowl insisted and Onion deadpanned for a moment before replying.

— “It is pointless because it’s coming from a baseless jealousy. June and I are just trying to be good friends. You’re the one making it about you.” Onion stated simply. That statement seemed to set Nightowl off because soon after— the two engaged in a full on yelling match— back and forth and back and forth— your head hurt. You were overwhelmed and quickly left the call. This is the last thing you needed to deal with today— why was he so mad anyways? No one had done anything wrong.

— You broke completely upon seeing Onion and Nightowl begin to argue in chat— demanding you back in the call to settle some score that you didn’t care for. June’s attempts to diffuse the situation were fruitless, and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. Tears fell down your face— you’d just wanted comfort— support. Why had it devolved into a yelling match— fighting?

— Was it you? Perhaps you were the problem— after all, you always seemed to be caught between their yelling matches— every fight was always in your presence. Maybe you were the factor that caused so much disturbance? You could just… and they wouldn’t… right?

— You sent a brief apology to June, explaining that perhaps it would be better if you left. Nothing to fight over if you were gone, right? Before she could respond— begging you not to go— you left. Your screen blacked out and you curled up on your desk chair and let out a soft sigh of relief. Hopefully. Hopefully they wouldn’t be fighting anymore. Even if it hurt, it’d be worth it for them.

— June’s eyes widened upon seeing you leave. Nightowl and Onion were still fighting— had they even noticed? Did they even care? June felt a rare upset bubble within her and she rejoined the call.

— “Shut up! Please! (y/n) left the server! They left— and you two are still making this about yourselves! We were supposed to help them for once and it turned into them mediating our problems! Again! Now what..? They’ll never find the server again— they’re gone!” June snapped and the two fell silent. June let a few tears slip from her eyes before she shook her head, hanging up soon after.

— Onion grimaced— feeling his own regrets and looking at Nightowl apologetically before hanging up as well. Nightowl sat alone in the call before scanning back in the logs— searching— your profile was— you were really—

— He felt his chest tighten as he let out a quiet sob. Had he seriously let his own jealousy get the best of him? You’d merely forgotten and he mistook it completely— Onion wasn’t even being unreasonable for once and he mistook the entire situation. He assumed that you chose Onion over him, yet in reality, June had been there, too. They’d just been there while Nightowl was offline and he’d allowed himself to get so possessive that he— he completely slipped up. You always helped them and for once, you had been in need. And what did he do?

— He made it about his own emotions— about himself instead of supporting you when you clearly needed it. And now? Now it didn’t even matter because you were gone.

— The next morning came, and you were still gone. No more familiar icon— the username that always made his heart warm when he saw you online— you were actually gone. He got shit from the rest of the server, rightfully so, but it no longer mattered.

— You were gone— and he knew that deep down, he’d never be able to find you again. He’d never be able to tell you that he loved and cared about you deeply— he could only sit and wonder what could’ve been if he hadn’t been so foolish.

QUEST —

— Life on the server had been less than enjoyable for you as of recent— how could it be when your ex was there? You understood fully that he was to be given a chance, just like everyone else— but you couldn’t just forget what he did to you.

— He acted docile in server, utilizing the same charm that made you fall for him so many years ago— but you knew what he was. You knew who he was behind all of that talk. It drained you. You were hardly able to enjoy Blooming Panic, hardly able to participate in group calls— because you worried. Would you accidentally let some detail slip that gave away where you were? If he saw you in call, would he be able to find out where you were from the backdrop alone?

— You didn’t feel safe.

— But he had done nothing wrong in the server. So banning him would be unreasonable. But he was getting along with your other friends— and you could hardly handle it. The one person who hadn’t become friendly with him was Quest. The two hardly interacted, save for the occasional need for Quest to direct conversation into the proper channels. He’d told you as much in your private channel. He couldn’t do anything even if he wanted to. As much as he wanted to kick him for what he did to you— he had to remain impartial.

— But what really sold it for you was when your friends in the server tried to tell you— convince you that he’d changed. Just because they hadn’t experienced the ugliest sides of your ex. They hadn’t seen his tendency to stalk— the hurtful messages— the things you endured. You were beyond tired by then. You appeared in the server less and less, interacted less, talked less— the only people who went out of their way to talk ti you were Quest, Lady and Two. They never tried to convince you otherwise about your ex. They always validated your experiences. But it was hardly enough.

— You were sat in a group call with Two, Lady and Quest. It was facilitated through a private voice channel— one that the rest of the server didn’t have access to. You’d called them there to talk. You long made your decision to leave the server. You needed to get away from your ex— you couldn’t bear to worry daily about your safety, wondering if the censors were enough to keep him from finding you. Living in constant paranoia? It was awful. You couldn’t bear it anymore.

— “Hey (y/n)— why’d you call us all here?” Two asked with a light air of curiosity. You’d miss it. Lady hummed in the background.

— “Yeah, did something happen? Do we need to fight anyone?” She asked with a small, protective smirk. She never hesitated to protect you the moment your ex went online. Even if he tried with his nice guy act— she’d always make an excuse for you. You couldn’t thank her enough.

— “Please, no fighting or violence. You know I can’t condone that.” Quest said with a light laugh. Leaving him would hurt the most. You loved him. You always had. You wanted to be with him— but you couldn’t. You have long since accepted that. The three laughed a bit before falling silent, allowing you space to talk.

— “I’m leaving the server tonight. And before you argue with me— I just. I can’t. Living in fear every day that the censor won’t be enough to keep him from finding me— I can’t live like this. It’s miserable. You three have always been supportive. You’ve always been on my side— so I just. Figured I’d tell you before I disappeared.” You expressed with a soft, yet sad smile. Their faces dropped.

— “What? No— no you can’t leave! Who else is gonna listen to my music and my ramblings?” Two asked, his voice cracking lightly. It broke your heart.

— “We can figure something out! Right, Quest? We can do something— anything. We won’t let this happen. If you leave, we’ll never see you again.” Lady expressed quietly. Quest felt his heart ache— he knew the situation. He knew why you chose this. He felt powerless— wanting so badly to be biased and just kick the other— but he couldn’t judge. Even if he had quite the opinion, he couldn’t express it— he was in no place to do so.

— “I… I can’t kick him. Are you sure this is what you want…? We can figure out another solution, angel. Please— if the server lost you, it’d never be the same.” Quest insisted. You smiled before shaking your head.

— “As long as he’s here, I don’t feel safe. I’m not asking you to take a bias for me, Quest. I’m just asking for understanding. You three mean a lot to me. Even when I withdrew, you still sought my company. It… it means a lot. Thank you. For everything.” You said softly. Before the three could further protest, you hung up and left. Your name disappeared from the side bar and Quest felt his heart shatter. He hadn’t even— he didn’t even get the chance to tell you.

— Before he could even react, he was being pinged in the main channel— met with a string of nasty comments from your ex following your exit from the server. It angered him to read them— angered him that he was only showing his true colors after you’d left. Now there was a reason to kick him and he did— not even sparing him a chance to say a word. Only now did the rest of the server notice your absence— realizing that you were right. Far too late for such a thing, Quest thought.

— He held his head in his hands. It didn’t matter now. He lost you. Who knew if you’d ever find the server again— if you’d ever return with the risk that your ex would still be there. Why couldn’t he have just kicked him? Take the backlash— but keep you. He knew though. He knew you’d never allow him to do such a thing. But he wished he’d gone against his judgment— made that special exception for you.

— Because you were special. And losing you was a heavy pain he’d feel every day he logged on. Seeing your name mentioned in conversation, but no longer with them— it felt awful. Being impartial wasn’t worth losing you. Nothing was worth losing you. And the entire server felt the pain of losing that spark that you brought.

XYX —

— Xyx sighed as he sat alone on call, waiting for you once more. It had been a few days since you were last online. No one knew why you’d been absent for so long— but he was repeatedly assured by the others that you’d return. You had to, right? He found himself like this every night— sitting alone in a call, waiting for you to come back. Had he done something— said something— had he become too much?

— He pushed the thoughts away, feeling his heart skip a beat when he noticed you online— you were actually here. He was going to ask you to call, but you typed in the general chat, simply asking if Nightowl was around. Nightowl? When had you two become so close? He felt a slight gnaw of jealousy, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions. Xyx replied simply, stating that Nightowl had gone offline to study. You responded with an “Oh.” and he felt his chest tighten. He couldn’t lose the chance to hear your voice again—

— He invited you to call with him. Silence for a few moments before you agreed and he smiled to himself. Finally. He waited patiently and soon enough you joined the call, but you looked… different. Tired. You had prominent bags under your eyes— the lively sparkle in your eyes was gone. What had happened?

— “Doll, are you alright?” He asked in a gentle tone. You hummed and forced a small smile before shaking your head.

— “Not really. I’ve been staying up every night with Nightowl. He’s been helping me figure something out. I’ve been mulling over my decision, but I made one. I wanted to tell him before I told everyone else.” You explained, letting out a soft sigh. Xyx gave you a concerned look. This didn’t sound good. He had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach— what decision had you made? He wanted to try being lighthearted— to cheer you up.

— “Oh? Really? What situation is it that you’ve concluded Nightowl of all people to be the most suitable to give you advice?” He joked lightly and you rolled your eyes.

— “Being the butt of everyone’s joke, funnily enough.” You muttered and Xyx opened his mouth to respond, but fell silent. You averted your gaze away and sighed.

— “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just not in a great mood. I’m leaving the server tonight, though. I’m far too tired at this point. I’m tired of being the butt of the joke. It’s awful. It reminds me of… how I used to be treated. And I deserve better than that.” You stated simply and Xyx’s eyes widened— leaving? You couldn’t leave—

— “Wait— wait! Isn’t there any other solution? Can’t you just ask everyone to stop? Leaving— if you leave you’ll never be able to come back. You’ll lose all of us.” Xyx insisted and you let out a small laugh, shaking your head.

— “Xyx. I’ve tried repeatedly for weeks to tell everyone to stop. None of you ever listened. Nightowl was the only one who bothered taking me seriously because he gets it. He used to be in my position. For some reason, though. They stopped when he asked, but I guess since I’m one of the other server trolls, I must be joking, right? I have to be fine with it. I must be.” You explained with a bitter tone. He felt his heart drop— and suddenly he remembered.

— All of the comments. The ‘haha hey can we not joke about that?’ and ‘lol but not that funny tbh’ and ‘why am i still being made fun of’ and ‘pls stop already’ No one had listened. Everyone ignored it— no matter what you said. He was part of the problem. He bit his lip, meeting your gaze.

— “I’m sorry, (y/n). I didn’t realize—“ He was cut off.

— “No one did, Xyx. No one realized. I thought you would get it, you know? You used to be the same. No one took you seriously because you were always joking around. But. You didn’t. And that hurt, y’know? No use crying over it now, though. I made my decision, already. I’m leaving tonight. I don’t… I don’t want to keep acting like I’m fine when I’m miserable. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish all of the comments didn’t get to me— but they do. They’re hurtful. And I’m over it.” You explained and shook your head.

— Xyx didn’t know what to say. What could he do to make you stay? What could he do? He wanted to tell you— tell you how he felt and maybe then you’d hear him— but before he could, Nightowl came online and you gave him a soft smile.

— “Goodbye, Xyx. Thank you for everything.” You said softly before hanging up, presumably to tell Nightowl of your decision. He slumped back in his chair. It was too late now. Too late to tell you just how much he—

— Then he saw the notification. You’d left the server. Your parting words were in the general chat. He hated it because even in your parting message— you blamed yourself for not being able to handle it. Blamed yourself when it was their fault for not taking you seriously. The server censors had just lifted, they’d just eased up, and he hadn’t even had the chance to ask for your number— your name— anything so he could find you and be with you.

— You cared for him. You took him seriously when no one else did. Maybe, if he’d shown you that same treatment back— you’d have stayed. He could’ve advocated for you— stopped the jokes before they became too mean— but he couldn’t take it back. And that hurt more than anything.

— The real cherry on top, though, was when he learned that you’d given Nightowl your number after your call with Xyx. That you didn’t see Xyx as someone worth keeping in touch with. And honestly? He couldn’t blame you.

— You’d been such a good friend to him. And he completely disregarded you when you had needed him the most. And now you were gone. And there was nothing he could do to change that.

NAKEDTOASTER —

— Toasty smiled softly as he saw you come online. You’d been in the server less and less— having to focus on your studies for your graduate program as opposed to messaging in the server, but you’d taken your exams, finished your work and were now about to graduate. At least, that’s what he assumed. You’d gotten your test results about a week ago, and hadn’t been online since. Perhaps you were celebrating? Preparing for the next step? He had no idea— but he missed you. So he was excited to be able to talk to you again after so long.

— He sat eagerly on call, typing a message to you the moment you went online, asking if you could chat. You agreed, and soon enough, you joined the call and Toasty could immediately tell something was wrong. You looked tired, a ring of red around your eyes— disheveled and like you hadn’t slept in days.

— “Hey, woah, are you okay? What’s wrong?” He asked gently and you forced a small smile, but it quickly went away as you let out a frustrated sigh.

— “I failed. I’m not graduating this year. All of this hard work and— and it still wasn’t enough. I didn’t study enough, Toasty. I really messed up.” You muttered and held your head in your hands. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug you through the screen— to be there in person and assure you that it’d be okay. But the censors… even if he wanted to, he couldn’t be with you in person. It was just a distant daydream, one that he thought about all the time.

— “H-Hey! I mean, I’m sure there’s next year, right? You can try again and I’m sure you’ll be able to manage it. I believe in you.” He insisted and you gave a soft, grateful smile.

— “I appreciate it… but I won’t be around to update you. I’m leaving the server. I think… I think I’ve let myself become too distracted with being in here constantly. Not getting proper sleep, not focusing on my schoolwork— I think that’s the problem. I worked hard, but I joined the server when hard work mattered the most. I started slacking at the worst time, and I can’t afford to fail again. I’m sorry, Toasty. I really will miss you all, but if I fail again… I don’t know what I’ll do.” You explained. Toasty felt his breath get caught in his throat— he wanted to tell you that he loved you so much, plead for you to stay— but he… couldn’t. Your reasoning was justified. Eliminate distractions so you could focus on passing next semester.

— He knew it was your decision. You wouldn’t waver. If it made you happy in the long term— even if he couldn’t be by your side to witness it— he couldn’t bring himself to be mad or upset with you. You’d be happy, right? Even if he wasn’t there to share it with you. Toasty bit his lip, frown ever present on his face as he sighed.

— “If… if you think that’s for the best then… who am I to stop you? I’ll miss you— I’ll miss you so much. But I want you to succeed because I know that’ll make you happy.” He explained and you hummed and nodded, a relieved expression on your face that he wouldn’t be fighting you. You paused for a moment.

— “Hey, can I tell you something before I go, though?” You questioned and he glanced at you, giving a questioning look and you met his eyes for a moment.

— “I just wanted to say that I… I lo— ah… you know what..? It’s nothing. I’ll miss you, too, Toasty. You especially. But I’ll miss everyone else too. I know I’ll never be able to find you all again, but maybe if I get lucky, I’ll find my way back here.” You commented, biting your tongue. It’d be cruel to tell him now how you felt. Not when you were so adamant on leaving. But maybe, just maybe— you wanted him to fight to keep you here. You pushed the thought away, though. Leaving was for the better, you convinced yourself.

— Toasty was visibly concerned that you held back your comment, but let out a soft sigh, not wanting to push the issue. He gave you a sad smile, soon looking away.

— “I guess… this is goodbye, then?” He whispered and you hesitated before nodding.

— “Goodbye, Toasty. Thank you for everything.” You said softly and hung up. You sent a message in the general chat before leaving the server— no one to see you again.

— Toasty’s heart ached— but it only truly settled just how finalized everything was when your name was no longer in that side bar— no longer in your shared private channel. Then, he learned through Xyx that the feeling he held on to— the love that he hadn’t wanted to admit in that final call— was mutual.

— And now he wished that he’d fought to convince you to stay in the server— stay with him. Because now you were gone.

— And you were never coming back.

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #bp nightowl #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #bloomic angst #blooming panic angst #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

I've just read "Their Last Day On The Motorway" and I can confidently say you've ripped my heart out with that fic.

Can I request a fluff fic where the LIs get sick and calls MC while they were in work just to inform them. The LIs didn't expect much but then suddenly MC is back at home with medicine and starts pampering and taking care of them until they get better. And they realized MC literally just abandoned work just to take care of them.

Sorry if it's so specific, I just need smth to soothe my heart 😭

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. sick comfort

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, nakedtoaster + onionthief

tags ; fluff, comfort, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; aH! Anon! I’m glad you enjoyed the angst fic! Most angst fics I write of my own volition always end up being death fics like that, so I apologize for ripping your heart out :’) hopefully, this works to soothe you! fluff fluff!! I hope you enjoy! Also added some obligatory shallot man <3

NIGHTOWL —

— Nightowl wakes up to a surprise— and it’s entirely unpleasant. His head feels heavy, he’s dehydrated and the room feels too hot— ah. He’s sick. Of course.

— He groans quietly. He wished that today was one of your off days. Waking up in bed alone was one thing— but when he was sick? It was even worse. He glanced over to your side of the bed longingly. He’d do anything to have you here right now— but you were working. He couldn’t ask you to leave for him. Besides, it’d only be a few more hours and then you’d be home and he could cling to you then! Yeah, that sounded like a plan.

— He checked the time before glancing at his phone. Well… it wouldn’t hurt to at least call you, would it? You should be on break by now anyways, not to mention he needed something to help him last through the day. A promise that you’d take care of him when you returned home would suffice. He grabbed his device, dialing up your number and waiting for you to answer. Every ring made him even more impatient— and he was about to give up until he heard the tell tale click of the phone being answered.

— “Hey, Nightowl! Miss me already? I’ll be home in a few hours, you know.” You responded in a playful tone. He could hear your smile through the phone and his heart warmed. He hummed softly before sighing.

— “I know, cutie, but it’s worse! I woke up sick today! Waking up without you was such a pain. You’ll take care of me when you get back, right?” He questioned and he heard you fall silent before speaking again.

— “Sick? Oh, Nightowl, of course I’ll take care of you. How are you feeling now? Can I get you anything?” You bombarded him in questions— previous lightheartedness replaced with genuine concern. Nightowl beamed under the attention and worry you showed through the phone. He always felt so loved when you showed such worry for him. He laughed a bit.

— “I’m feeling pretty feverish, honestly. Bring me back something sweet? Oh! Ice cream— to cool me off. Please? If you aren’t too tired after work, of course. I know you’ll have to go back to work soon. I love you, cutie! Thank you! I can’t wait for you to get home.” He said softly.

— “I love you too, Nightowl. And of course. Anything for you. I can’t wait to get home to you. I’ll take care of you until you’re back in top shape! Don’t worry. I’ve gotta go. See you soon.” You said before hanging up. Not soon enough. Nightowl thought ti himself. He’d still have to wait a few hours for you to return.

— He sat in bed for about 45 minutes— unable to get up without being overcome with an awful dizzy spell. He wanted to try getting water, but figured he could wait. He’d much rather not have you return to him passed out on the floor, after all. He simply shut his eyes in an attempt to doze off before hearing the front door open.

— “Nightowl? I’m back! I brought you some things.” You called out. Nightowl’s eyes widened— quickly glancing at the time, wondering if time had somehow passed quicker than expected, only to find that it was hardly an hour after he called you. You walked into the room, still in your work clothes and quickly rushing to his side. Your hands gently brushed the hair away from his forehead to feel his temperature and he smiled softly, reveling in your touch.

— “You’re burning up. Here— I brought you water and some medicine.” You said softly and helped him sit up. He took the medicine before you helped him lay back down.

— “Can you sit next to me? I wanna lay my head in your lap. Please, don’t leave me just yet.” He whined softly and you laughed before getting into bed, sitting up and gently pulling his head in your lap. You didn’t bother to change, grab your phone, anything. Nightowl loved that your first focus was him the moment you got back. You brushed your hands gently through his hair and he leaned against the touch.

— Nightowl was relieved. So relieved that you were back. He felt awful— but the mix of finally being hydrated and your presence worked wonders in soothing him enough to allow him time to finally relax, giving his body the rest it needed. Only an hour ago you’d been at work and now you were here. Wait… your job—!

— “A-Ah cutie— shouldn’t you be at work? I don’t want you to risk anything for me.” He insisted, glancing up at you with a worried expression. You smiled down at him, leaning down and planting a soft kiss on his forehead.

— “Hey, don’t worry about it, okay? I called in a family emergency and my boss was fine with me leaving. I could never just leave you here to suffer alone without me to cling on and whine to. And I knew you’d never ask me yourself, so I took it upon myself to be here. I want to be here, Nightowl.” You explained and pulled back to look at him. He looked up at you with wide eyes before tearing up a bit— finally. He found the one. The one who cared for him— who prioritized him. He was important enough for you to drop everything just to support him. It made him happy and for a bit? He forgot he was even sick. You wiped the stray tears away with a fond smile, allowing him a moment to compose himself.

— “Thank you.” He said softly, leaning into your touch more. You laughed lightly.

— “For being here? No need to thank me.” You insisted and he shook his head.

— “Not just for that, cutie. Thank you for being here, yes, but also? Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me.” He said, vulnerability lacing his tone. You hummed softly and peppered his face in gentle kisses. A soft, silent reminder that that was something he’d never have to thank you for.

— After all. You were just treating him in the way he deserved.

QUEST —

— Quest had hardly woken up when you kissed his cheek, letting him know that you were off to work. He didn’t even know how long ago that was. He felt groggy— vision bleary as he finally fully awoke. His head felt heavy— what time even was it? He glanced over at the clock, rubbing his eyes a bit and putting on his glasses as his vision slowly cleared. 12:00 PM? How had he slept so much without realizing it?

— He tried getting up, before realizing that his whole body felt weak— immediately being met with extreme chills, nearly falling over in the process. Everything hurt. Naturally. He was sick, wasn’t he? He tried to manage a few steps, but he could hardly manage with just how ill he felt— so he retreated back into the warmth of the bed. His slung his arm over your side of the bed, glancing over with a soft sigh. He could call you, tell you of his predicament. But… calling you out of work? He couldn’t. You were busy— he didn’t want to stress you out even more. He’d just have to manage the best he could on his own.

— He made another attempt to get up, slowly this time— but the pace didn’t help. He still felt just as awful. He sighed, sitting there for a moment before he heard you call— the personalized ringtone he’d set for you ringing throughout the room. Right. Your lunch break. He grabbed the phone, answering, mustering up the best possible tone he could.

— “H-Hey angel, how’s work?” He questioned— though his tone was strained and cracked slightly— not exactly how he intended and most certainly not doing him any favors in hiding his condition from you.

— “Huh? Quest, you don’t sound all that great. Are you okay? Did something happen?” You questioned, clearly concerned about him to the point that you didn’t bother to answer the questions about your own work day. He let out a soft sigh. He couldn’t lie to you. If he did, you’d just worry yourself the whole day wondering what was up.

— “I’m fine, (y/n). Just feeling a little under the weather. Nothing serious.” He insisted. He could practically feel the worry emanating from you through the phone and he just hoped you’d buy it— hoped that you didn’t realize he was downplaying it.

— “Alright… well, take it easy today, alright? I’ll cook you something when I get back. And I’ll pick up some medicine for you, too. Do not overwork yourself today, Quest. Just rest, okay?” You said in a stern, yet gentle tone. He knew you wanted what was best for him. He smiled softly at the thought.

— “Of course, angel. I’ll see you after you get off work. I look forward to being with you again.” He said softly before hanging up with a longing sigh. This would be an awful wait— he knew it. He laid back and rested his arm over his eyes. He could at least try to sleep, given that he could hardly walk in his condition. However, he ended up more so going out cold than actually sleeping.

— When he woke up, he hardly felt rested, but he felt gentle fingers brushing against the side of his face. He leaned into it before cracking his eyes opened, his eyes meeting yours. He smiled softly. What a lovely sight to wake up to. He was glad you were back. Was he out for that long?

— “Hey angel. What time is it?” He asked groggily and you sighed and shook your head a bit.

— “It’s just past 1PM. I knew you downplayed just how sick you were, and even if you hadn’t, I would’ve rushed home all the same. You can ask me to be here, you know? I’m yours. I want to take care of you when things like this happen. I don’t want you to force yourself to manage alone.” You said softly. He sat up slightly, giving an apologetic smile, kissing your hand lightly.

— “I’m sorry. I just… couldn’t bring myself to ask you to leave work on my behalf.” He admitted and you gave a gentle laugh.

— “Quest. You’re far more important than work. And they were understanding enough. Besides, I know you’d do the same for me. Now sit up. I made you something warm to eat and brought you medicine and water. Now that I’m here, let me take care of you.” You insisted, helping him up and handing him the medicine and the water. He gave you a grateful look, taking the medicine before placing it to the side and taking the bowl from your hands. He sighed softly.

— “I feel a little bad, still. That I got sick and worried you. And now you’re here, taking care of me.” He muttered quietly. You simply smiled and leaned against him. The warmth felt comforting— permeating through the intense chill he felt.

— “Don’t feel bad. I made the choice to be here. I left work to take care of you because I wanted to. I love you, you know? You deserve to be taken care of when you get sick. You deserve to have help and support when you need it, Quest. I’m more than happy to be that person for you, should you have me.” You expressed and he felt his heart melt, easily feeling more warm than before. You always knew just the thing to say and your presence was a healing one. He felt lucky that he had someone so kind to take care of him.

— “I’d never say no to having you by my side, angel. And I love you too, but still. Thank you. Thank you for supporting me and being here when I need you most.” He stated. You kissed his cheek gently and nodded.

— “Of course. I’ll always be here whenever you need me.” You said and just by the expression on your face, Quest could tell. You were telling the absolute truth. And he was grateful for it.

XYX —

— Xyx woke up with a slight stretch as he sat up. He glanced over at where you usually slept and sighed as he reminded himself that even if it was his off day, you still had to work. He always tried to convince you to take days off when he had them— but he understood that your schedule, much like his, was busy enough as is. Plus, you didn’t mind having to work since you’d come home to him and that feeling was an irreplaceable one.

— However, soon enough, Xyx felt an intense pounding in his head, paired with a slight ringing in his ears. The light peering through the blinds only made it worse and he got up— stumbling around the room, turning off all of the lights, closing the blinds and the curtains— anything to soothe the pain he felt.

— It was dizzying— enough to make him feel sick to the stomach— nauseating. He was quick to lay back down, shutting his eyes for a moment. The dizziness settled a bit, but he still felt god awful. He blindly reached around for his phone before grabbing it, wincing at the light but checking his texts nonetheless. You had mentioned that you’d fed Cat already and that you’d call him on your break and he felt grateful. He wouldn’t have to get up to feed his pet. He didn’t think he’d been able to manage if he had to.

— He then felt a sting of loneliness. He hated being sick and in pain. It was worse when he was alone— because being sick and restless meant staying up and thinking about his worst memories and his most vulnerable thoughts. Xyx despised it. He wished you were home, but you were busy. He’d just have to suffice with a call from you until you got home. It’d be a hellish wait, but worth it when you’d return home and play personal nurse for him. He always loved seeing your focus solely on him. It made him happy— relaxed him a bit to know that someone genuinely cared for him.

— He heard his phone ring and without even sparing a glance at the contact name, he knew who it was. He answered, a small smirk on his face as he responded. After all. He had to keep up appearances. He couldn’t… bring himself to ask for your time or to ask you to sacrifice work for him.

— “Hey doll, how’s work been?” He asked with his usual playfulness. He heard you laugh a bit through the phone.

— “Oh it’s the same as always, Xyx. How are you? And how’s Cat? I hope you’re showering them in affection while I’m gone. We both know they deserve the best.” You joked lightly. Xyx snickered, but before he could manage a response, he felt his head start up a consistent, pulsating pain that he felt spread throughout his head and behind his eyes. He groaned, curling up a bit at the sudden feeling and he heard you pause. He could feel the worry before you even spoke.

— “Xyx? Are you alright? You sound like you’re in pain.” You murmured and he let out a soft sigh. No use in hiding it now. Lying to you would do him no good.

— “I’m fine, love. I just woke up and my head’s been killing me. I’m really feeling it now.” He mentioned and forced a small laugh. He heard some shuffling from your end of the phone before you responded again.

— “Well, stay in bed for the time being, alright? I’ll pick you up some medication and something light to eat. It’s probably a really bad migraine, so just try to rest, okay? Moving around won’t do you any good.” You insisted in a stern tone before following up, “And I mean it, Xyx. Please, just stay in bed. It won’t be too long before I’m home.” You stated simply and Xyx chuckled.

— “Alright alright. I promise, doll. I’ll make sure I don’t do anything too reckless before you get back from work. It’ll be so so awful waiting so long for you to return, but I’ll manage. Promise. Besides, I’ve got Cat here to keep me company in the mean time!” He insisted and you gave a content hum.

— “Okay, good. I won’t keep you waiting too long. Promise.” You said softly before hanging up. Xyx let out a long sigh. He knew he’d still have to wait and it’d be long enough of a wait for him to get impatient, antsy and restless. Nonetheless, you still had a few more hours of work left. He’d have to accept that.

— He shut his eyes and spaced off for a while, unable to fully sleep due to the pain he felt. Distantly, he heard the door open and heard Cat meow from afar. He opened his eyes, glancing at the time. It was only an hour after your call with him— you weren’t supposed to be home. He glanced at the bedroom door as it opened and saw you walk in and smiled.

— “Doll, you’re supposed to be at work.” He mentioned and you laughed a bit.

— “And leave you here to suffer on your lonesome when you’re hardly able to get yourself out of bed? Absolutely not. I brought medicine and water.” You smiled and walked over to his side, helping him sit up and giving him the medicine before helping him rest back down. You sat on the side of the bed, idly toying with strands of his hair while he clung to your waist.

— “Are you sure this won’t put you behind schedule? I’d hate for you to… fall behind and get more stressed out because of me.” He murmured, slightly muffled. You smiled and looked at him.

— “Xyx. I care about you and I love you more than anything. So be it if I get busy. You’re more important to me. I’ll always be here when you need me. I made that promise to you, after all.” You insisted. He pulled back to look at you, giving a adoring smile and laying back against the pillows, covering his face as he became flustered.

— “Love. You are an amazing person. I’m… really happy. Stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?” He asked softly and you nodded, getting into bed and laying next to him. He hummed in content, pecking your lips lightly before resting quietly against you.

— “I’ll always be here, Xyx. You’ll never suffer alone again as long as I’m here.” You said softly and he felt himself relax. He knew the statement to be true— he knew you’d always be there. And for once?

— He let himself firmly believe in that promise.

NAKEDTOASTER —

— Toasty always woke up in the afternoon. And every time he did, you were already long gone at work if it wasn’t an off day for you. He woke up particularly late, though, feeling more tired than usual. It was as if he hardly even slept— and he was certain he had been asleep far longer than usual. He sat up and winced— being overcome by a wave of nausea. He rubbed his eyes, glancing over at the clock, but hardly able to even make out the time. He groaned softly, retreating back under the covers.

— He felt awful. And suddenly it didn’t sound so bad having you there with him. He glanced at his phone where it sat on the nightstand, but quickly thought against it. You had to work. He couldn’t call you back home out of the blue, but he couldn’t just not tell you, right? Maybe he’d only disclose it when you were off work— he’d be in the clear then. As if you’d sensed something was up, his phone rang. You were calling. He panicked for a moment, clearing his throat so it didn’t sound like he’d just woke up and then picked up.

— “H-Hello? What’s up, (y/n)? You don’t usually call during work.” He murmured and you gave a light laugh.

— “I know, but it’s almost raid hours, right? Figured I’d wanna hear your voice before you got too distracted to hear the phone ring.” You hummed teasingly. He covered his face in embarrassment as if you could see him and whined softly.

— “I don’t get that distracted. But you’re right. It is almost raid hours— I nearly forgot.” Toasty mentioned idly and you gave a soft, curious noise.

— “You? Nearly forgetting about Final Fantasy? Wow, something must have been real important then.” You mentioned playfully and he rolled his eyes and smiled.

— “I just woke up a little sick, is all. I’ll be fine! I’m.. fine— don’t worry about it.” He insisted and you went silent for a moment before sighing.

— “Toasty, if you think playing ffvix is a good idea when you’re sick, then you’re wrong. Get rest. I’ll bring you medicine and make you something to eat when I get home. Drink water, you hear? No energy drinks or any of that. And I’m serious. Stay in bed and rest. I’ll take care of you when I get home.” You stated and he groaned softly.

— “But how am I gonna entertain myself until you get back? You still have a few more hours of work.” He mumbled and you laughed in response.

— “I’ll be there sooner than you think. I’ve gotta go. Take care of yourself. I love you, bye!” You chimed and hung up. He sighed. Even if you said the wait wouldn’t be long, he knew it’d take forever. At least it’d feel that way. He checked the time. He still had a few hours.

— He got up, walking slowly to his desk as to not make his nausea or dizziness any worse and sat himself down, logging in to his game and slipping his headphones on. He had to admit, the light from the screens and the high energy nature of the game definitely did not make him feel any better, but he couldn’t complain much. At least it was entertaining.

— He’d gotten lost in the game, losing track of time completely and zoning out. Soon enough, he felt arms wrap around him and he jumped as his headphones were taken off his head.

— “Hey. I thought I told you to rest.” You muttered, peppering soft kisses along his jawline. He felt his face flush and he checked the time. Only 45 minutes had passed— why were you back so early? As if you could read his expression, you sighed and answered his question before he could ask.

— “Did you really think I’d leave you sick and all on your lonesome? Plus, I know how stubborn you can be sometimes. I knew you’d never actually rest if I just told you to. Now come on. I got medicine for you. Let’s go back to bed.” You stated and he got up, feeling a bit shaky and now incredibly grateful that you were there. You supported him with an arm around his waist and helped him back to bed.

— Toasty looked at you with a sheepish smile as you handed him the proper medicine and a glass of water. Afterwards, he laid back down and you sat on the edge of the bed next to him, running your fingers through his hair.

— “You didn’t have to leave work for me… I’d hate for you to get in trouble.” He murmured guiltily as he leaned into your touch and looked at you. You looked at them with a fond expression and leaned down, kissing his forehead gently before pulling back.

— “I didn’t have to, but I wanted to be here for you. Someone’s gotta shower you in love and affection when you’re sick. Besides, I love you too much to let you deal with it on your own when I’m fully capable of taking care of you.” You insisted and his face flushed and he smiled, pulling you down into a gentle embrace.

— “I can’t believe I was lucky enough to meet you. I love you too. A lot. Thank you for wanting to be here for me.” He mumbled softly and you laughed gently, getting into bed properly and allowing him to curl against you as you threaded your fingers into his hair to relax him. He reveled in your touch and your attention and he was happy.

— Because even if things seemed difficult in the moment, he knew you wouldn’t hesitate to be there. You prioritized him and you wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to let him know that he was important to you.

ONIONTHIEF —

— Onion woke up a little after you, without fail, every time. He always got up right before you left for work so he could see you out. Sure, there was no real reason to it, but it was a routine that he had no desire in changing. Besides, he liked being able to watch you leave and then subsequently being the person you came home to, even if you typically came home when he was in the midst of studying.

— However, today, he woke up at the same time, but felt horrible. He groaned as he got up— he felt feverish— uncomfortably warm. Had he eaten something the day before? He’d been entirely sanitary— how did someone like him get sick? It’d put a large hinderance in his productivity if he was sick. How could he get to everything he needed to get done if he could hardly think straight?

— He distantly heard you call his name— but he could hardly muster a response. He hated being sick and his throat felt dry. He coughed a bit and you soon walked into the room and glanced at him worriedly. You walked over, placing your bag down and gently cupping his face, placing a hand on his forehead.

— “You’re burning up. Lay back down.” You said softly and he nodded, laying back in bed. You walked out of the room and he heard noises coming from the kitchen before you walked back in, a glass of water and a few medicine bottles in hand. You placed them on the nightstand and smiled at him.

— “Here. Take these. I have a quick call to make.” You stated and kissed his cheek gently before walking out of the room with your phone. He watched you leave and sat up, taking the proper medicine before laying back down. You walked back in, seating yourself next to him in bed and rubbing his back gently. Onion glanced at you, narrowing his eyes a bit.

— “You’ll be late for work, you know.” He muttered and you rolled your eyes a bit.

— “Exactly why I called my boss and explained it to him. I’m not just gonna leave you here when you’re sick, you know.” You insisted and he sat up a bit in protest and looked at you.

— “Work is important. More important than taking care of me— you can’t just drop everything just because I have a fever.” He argued and you pushed him to lay back down and laughed a bit.

— “Really? Says who, Onion? I think you’re more important than work. Making sure you’re tended to, comfortable— that’s my priority over productivity. I know that work is important, but I think being there for my boyfriend is far more pressing of a matter. I’d never choose work over you, you know?” You said softly and he sighed and shook his head.

— In all honesty, he always grew up believing that he had to be productive no matter how he felt about it— that it took priority over everything, including his own health. He wanted to call you a fool for missing a day just for him— wanted to insist it was unnecessary— but in reality, it made him happy. It made his heart warm knowing that you were so willing to nurse him back to health— not even hesitating to call off work when you realized his condition.

— You really were the perfect partner, weren’t you? Kind, caring and supportive. A hard worker with their priorities straight— everything he wanted and more.

— He sighed simply and laid against you, relaxing in your presence. Being sick wasn’t ideal, but he knew it’d have been far more painful without you there. At the very least, he’d have someone there for him who could help him— though he hated admitting to needing help. Even so, you were the one person he’d accept assistance from because you never did it to belittle him— you never helped because you pitied him. You did it because you loved him. A reason he valued over all others.

— “Fine. Skip work for me, but don’t complain to me when you fall behind.” He mumbled and you laughed a bit and shook your head, humming softly.

— “I don’t plan on complaining. I have nothing to complain about. Besides, I’m sure I’ll hear enough complaints from you alone since you’re sick.” You teased lightly. Onion glanced up at you before giving a soft smile.

— “Yeah I’ll complain. Being sick is troublesome. But I’m thankful. Thank you for being here. And thank you for… prioritizing me. And loving me.” He mumbled softly.

— “You never have to thank me for loving you, Onion. Prioritizing you, choosing you. I’ll never regret it for as long as I live. I love you and you’re an amazing boyfriend.” You stated simply, a content, loving expression on your face. He gave you a genuine, warm smile and relaxed into your touch, closing his eyes.

— “I love you too. And I don’t regret choosing you either. You’re perfect in every way imaginable.” He said in a gentle tone. Typically you’d argue the perfection claim, but with how relaxed and content he looked— you’d let him win this one, just this once.

— He felt slightly triumphant that you didn’t fight back, but more importantly, he felt loved. He felt important. You never judged him or valued him based on his achievements, but you were always supportive of them. You cheered him on when no one else did— you took care of him despite his stoic and direct demeanor.

— You did things for him that no one else even tried to do. And for that, he felt lucky. Because he firmly believed you could’ve had anyone you wanted— yet you picked him. And you continue to choose him and stay with him every day of the week. And he loves you more than he can express.

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #blooming panic onionthief #bp nightowl #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #bp onionthief #nightowl x reader #quest x reader #xyx x reader #bp toasty x reader #onionthief x reader #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

Hiii!! I have a request! ^ ^ Can you write a fic about Nightowl and his partner who feels like they are unworthy of him? His partner had always had lingering feelings that they weren’t good enough (even though Nightowl felt that he wasn’t good enough for THEM) but one day they just break down into a crying mess telling Nightowl about their fears of not being good enough for him and fearing him leaving. Just a huge sobbing mess

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. why suffer alone? (nightowl x reader)

tags ; angst, invasive thoughts, hurt slight comfort, gender neutral reader

summary ; A day alone causes (y/n)’s deepest thoughts to spiral out of control and come to the surface. But why suffer alone when your partner is fully capable of sharing your pain?

author’s note ; this request hurt to write, but I loved writing it! Thank you for the ask, anon! I always appreciate a good angst prompt, so I hope I did this idea some justice! There’s a lot of intrusive thoughts in this one, so be warned! Otherwise, enjoy! <3

Nightowl and (y/n) were a rather peculiar couple on the surface. Both were relatively outgoing, tried their best to be friendly to everyone— but always seemed… tired.

Truth be told, they both buried down their deepest, darkest emotions, even from each other. A pair that was always attached at the hip— ones that shared everything with each other except those things that were just too hard to say out loud. Fears, doubts, memories and pain all lingered in the depths of their mind— fearing to slip through the cracks of their crumbling facade— but somehow, both managed to hold it together.

And they did so out of their love for one another. How would the other react if they found out? Would they be hurt— angry— pitiful— upset? Though, even if the feeling was a mutual one between them, the pain of not knowing was heavy. A weight that settled over them both— one that made them overthink every interaction and conversation. Though, they always hid their doubts well, covering it with layers of the true love and adoration they held for one another— even if they felt that their other half was too good for them.

(y/n) felt this weighing heavy in their mind as they laid among the plush blankets and pillows of Nightowl’s bed. Their boyfriend had gotten up hours ago— off to work as per any other day. Unfortunately, though, that meant another day alone with their thoughts— waiting for Nightowl to return and distract them from it all.

They covered their eyes with their arm. Why did Nightowl cling to them— why pick them of all people? Would he have chosen anyone? Was it just out of convenience? Would he leave them the moment that someone better came along? (y/n) knew he wasn’t the type— knew he wasn’t capable of being so cruel to someone— yet they still questioned. It was easy to be mean to a person like them, after all.

(y/n) groaned and sat up, shaking their head as if to physically force the thoughts out of their mind. They had to get up— make themself useful even if it was their day off from work. They stood up, dressing themself messily before cleaning up a bit around the house. However, it was hard to avoid those bitter thoughts in a house full of the memories of their relationship— one that (y/n) felt like they didn’t deserve in the slightest.

Their pictures together were littered around Nightowl’s apartment— framed and shown off to anyone who ever entered. It felt like the pictures were mocking them— reminding them of how Nightowl made them so happy— about how he deserved so much better than they could provide.

They felt a quiet tear slip from their eye, walking over to one of the frames, lifting it up with a soft smile. It was of them, together, in their most formal clothing— sitting on the steps of some fancy venue together.

(y/n) remembered that night clear as day. They had some fancy end of the year work party that the company spent way too much money on. They stated that Nightowl didn’t have to go— but he insisted. He always did, claiming that he’d be a bad boyfriend if he didn’t go— after all, he couldn’t let them be stuck in the boredom of some business party alone, right?

The party had been incredibly stuffy— far too uptight and formal of a scene for a pair like Nightowl and (y/n)— so they escaped together. Instead of sitting inside, enjoying the free food and countless speeches, they decided it’d be much more worthwhile to enjoy some time alone. So they sat on the steps of the venue, dressed to the nines, leaning against one another as they gazed up at the starry sky. (y/n) had whispered to him that they were glad he tagged along, and Nightowl replied that they were soulmates. He’d do anything with them. At the time, it made their heart leap with joy— made them fall in love even more.

But now, it left a bitter taste in their mouth. Soulmate, huh? Did someone like them even deserve something like that?

Nightowl was sweet. He was dedicated, talented, kind hearted, understanding and tried his best to be patient with those he loved. He was everything (y/n) ever dreamed of in a boyfriend— but could they even begin to compare? They were tired, procrastinated— tried their best to be supportive, but never knew the right words to say. They tried and tried, but it never felt like enough. They weren’t enough.

And they wondered when Nightowl would see that and leave them for someone more worth it.

They blinked back more tears, placing the picture frame faced down on the counter, before glancing at the countless other photos. Tears streamed down their face as they walked around the apartment— placing every photo with them facing down, away, towards the wall— anything as long as they couldn’t see it. They ended up back in the bedroom, sitting at Nightowl’s desk, the tears non-stop as their bottled up thoughts came pouring out all at once.

They looked up, their eyes scanning over the countless sketches taped around their boyfriend’s desk— anything to distract them from the pounding of their heart in their ears and the words that flew through their mind. But soon their eyes widened.

Among the sketches of different buildings, and even a few sketches of Damien and Lola— were ones of them. Covered in hearts and small, cute comments that were authentically Nightowl. Scattered notes of “my favorite!” and “an absolute cutie!” framed countless sketches that (y/n) hadn’t even realized Nightowl had done. The one that really made their heart sting was one with the phrase “love of my life” scrawled beneath it in their boyfriend’s handwriting. A phrase that rang so loudly in their mind.

They trusted Nightowl— believed him when he said that they loved him, but never felt deserving of it. They wanted to ask so desperately, what is there to love about someone so insecure? What is the benefit?

Why hasn’t he found someone better?

But the answer would be the same every time. Nightowl loved them despite everything. He was there through the rough times because he wanted to be.

And all this time, (y/n) had been hiding their pain— probably causing Nightowl to worry— all because they couldn’t bear the thought of their fears being confirmed and their lover leaving them for another.

Before they could even decide if it was better to keep hiding, or if they should tell him— the front door opened and (y/n)’s eyes widened. There was no time to make a decision— their thoughts had caused them to not notice the day fly by. Not to mention—

They looked around the bedroom. Every picture was still faced down. They rushed out to the main room, trying to put up their usual front. Nightowl pulled his shoes off, not yet seeming to notice the state of the photos around their house— far more focused on them. Like he always was.

“Hey, cutie! How was your day off? You look tired— I hope you didn’t overwork yourself!” He chided with his usual smile. (y/n) returned a warm, empty smile back. They searched for the words to say— a lie to cover up the fact that the day had been awful, but seeing the photos paired with their boyfriend, bright and happy to greet them, solidified it for them. They couldn’t keep pretending. They couldn’t keep… lying to him.

And with that, they broke.

Their smile fell and the tears poured— a second release of emotion that finally exposed all that they’d been feeling to the one person they tried so hard to hide it from. Their body shook as they sobbed, their knees growing weak as they nearly fell— but they never felt the impact.

Nightowl caught them, easing them down to the floor before pulling them tightly into his arms, rubbing small circles into their back in an attempt to soothe them as they cried. Once they’d quieted down, he pulled back, using his thumbs to wipe away their tears as he scanned their face.

“What’s wrong, cutie? What happened?” He asked softly. (y/n) shifted a bit, averting their gaze elsewhere, unable to face the worry that was clear in his expression.

“I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you. I always feel like you’ll find someone better— and that one day, I’ll be left alone. A-And it’s not anything you said or did— I just… feel incompetent. I want to make you happy, but I always question if you’d be better off with someone else. I love you so much and I just. I don’t want you to leave me” They explained through soft sniffles, allowing Nightowl to wipe every tear that slipped as his eyes widened. His heart broke and he felt his own tears well up before pulling them back into a tight, grounding embrace.

“You’re enough— you’re more than enough! I… I completely understand, but I wish you didn’t. I never feel like I’m enough for you and I find myself wondering the same thing— if you’d be happy with someone else. I’d never leave you for anyone else— and I’m so grateful that you don’t want me to leave, but so upset that you have to feel this way. But I understand, (y/n). I'm here and I feel the same pain that you do. Please, don’t suffer alone. Not when I'm here suffering in the same way.” Nightowl explained, his voice cracking as he allowed his own tears to slip. (y/n) broke at the confirmation— at the deep level of understanding and at the support. He was going through the same feeling? He was scared, too? They weren’t alone this time?

They let out more broken sobs, crying into his shoulder as he held them tightly, whispering small affirmations and a quiet “I love you” to help reassure them that he’d stick around. It was then that he noticed all of the photos turned around— all of their happiest memories turned away from the scene taking place. It made him break even more and he tightened his embrace, kissing (y/n)’s forehead gently as he rubbed their back and as he continued to silently cry with them.

Today would be the last day they suffered alone. He didn’t want to think about how many days it had been this bad— didn’t want to think about how long it must have taken to culminate to this point. All he knew was that today?

Their cries and suffering would finally be heard. As would his own.

Today, they would share the burden, and suffer together.

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic angst #blooming panic nightowl #bp nightowl x reader #nightowl x reader #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

Ayoooo, can I get a fic of how the blooming panic Li’s would react if mc immediately gave them an intense, heart stopping, romantic comedy kiss the second they meet in real life? I am just so in love with the way you write. Marry me?? :0 💍

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. first meet kiss

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, toasty

tags ; fluff, comfort

author’s note ; I love love love this idea! This is a cute, fluffy headcanon set with just the LIs, so I hope you all enjoy! And although I appreciate the offer, lovely anon, I’ll have to reject your marriage proposal. I will, however, continue to be an author that happily delivers your writing requests <33 oooo side note! If any of y’all know any artists with open commissions that are willing to draw bloomic, message me! I wanna com a new icon B) ahhh! enough from me! enjoy 💕

NIGHTOWL —

— You were feeling giddy as you sat in the plane. Only a few more hours and you’d be with Nightowl in person for the entire week! You’d expressed your excitement to your boyfriend for weeks leading up to your flight departure— and somehow, he was even more excited than you were. He’d been so happy when the plans had been finalized— hardly able to sleep as the date neared. It pained you both that you would be without any sort of internet service for the flight, so there was no communication between you both, but that only made you look forward to the meeting even more.

— You both had been dating for months now— and you’d been saving up to buy a plane ticket to see him. Once you saved up enough, you brought up the idea to Nightowl and he was ecstatic— agreeing almost instantly and scouring his schedule for free time— making necessary calls that night to ensure he’d have time for you when you flew down. You’d saved up your own vacation hours as well, so there was no conflict. And now here you were.

— You texted him immediately after the plane landed— smiling at the countless loving messages and cute photos he’d sent while you were in air. You hopped in a taxi, on your way to his apartment to finally see him after so long. Your heart was pounding and once you saw the building in view, you smiled, putting your phone away.

— Exiting the taxi, you glanced at the building and found the apartment number before knocking. You heard a loud pattering of footsteps, followed by crashing and a string of curses from Nightowl. You held in your laughter and soon the door opened and there he was— your boyfriend, greeting you with a sheepish, yet warm smile.

— “Hey, cutie! God, it’s so nice to see you in person. You look amazing.” He spoke and you felt your heart race. Unable to contain your excitement anymore, you jumped into his arms and pulled him into a kiss, expressing all of the happiness in the affection you gave.

— Nightowl gasped a bit, catching you the best he could, but ultimately being knocked off his feet and falling back with you landing on top of him. He was stunned for a moment, before smiling and kissing back. He was just as excited, happy and still in slight disbelief that you were actually here. Feeling your lips against his confirmed all the he needed to know. This was real. He smiled against your lips, pulling away only when he was rendered absolutely breathless. You gave a small, content smile and cupped his cheeks, peppering his face in small kisses as his face flushed.

— “Wow, way to sweep a guy off his feet. That excited to see me..?” He asked, vulnerability present in his soft tone. You gave a reassuring smile, pecking his lips once more.

— “Of course I am, Nightowl. I haven’t stopped thinking about this day since the moment we planned it. I guess I just couldn’t contain it anymore when I finally saw you.” You said with a light laugh. He wrapped his arms around your waist, hiding the pure adoration present on his face as he let out a shaky laugh.

— “Man, you’re really killing me, cutie. First a kiss like that and then saying something so sweet? How did I get so lucky?” He whispered softly. You hummed and he pulled back to look at you once more. You smiled, pulling him into another affectionate kiss.

— Funny that he asks how he managed to get so lucky. You’d been wondering the exact same thing.

QUEST —

— Quest was flying out to see you. There had been a long build up— a long wait for you both given that you were both busy with work and getting vacation time approved took a while, but eventually, it all worked out. Now he was on his way— and you were antsy.

— He had gone on the airplane hours ago and he’d be landing any moment now— soon enough, you’d see him walk to where you stood waiting in the airport. You could only imagine what it’d be like— to be in his arms after so long, to hear his sweet words in person— to finally be with him. No work. No stress. No fear that the server would shut down in any given moment. You felt grateful that the server censors lifted when they did— you didn’t want to be stuck forever, left only to wonder what it’d be like to be with Quest in person. You no longer how to imagine because within a few minutes— it’d be reality. All that you’ve hoped for was right in front of you.

— Quest shared the same sentiment. You were someone who loved him for who he was— who acknowledged his past and recognized that he changed from it. You were so kind to him and encouraged him to show that same kindness to himself. He knew that he had a tendency to be pretty self sacrificial due to feeling the need to prove that he was a good person— even if it meant compromising his own health— and you were slowly helping him heal that mindset. He loved you for it— loved everything about you.

— And now you two would have the opportunity to meet and spend time together in person. Every single declaration of love over call or in text could now be spoken in person— something you both looked forward to. You glanced at your phone every few minutes, then at the direction of the airport arrivals, switching your focus between the two as you waited for your boyfriend to arrive. Any moment now—

— There! You spotted Quest from afar and your heart skipped a beat. There he was— he was really here. You could hardly believe it— and couldn’t contain the happiness that filled your chest when you saw him. You couldn’t be apart from him a moment longer. Quest spotted you from afar as well, a smile of his own on his face as he soon noticed you making a mad dash towards him. He dropped his things, preparing for a rather forceful embrace from you.

— What he hadn’t expected, however, was that you leapt right into his arms and kissed him with a passion that he was hardly prepared for. He was quick to catch you, holding you by your thighs as your arms wrapped around his neck, lips locked with his. His eyes widened a bit, but he merely chuckled and kissed back. He should’ve expected this sort of intensity and romanticism from you. Though, even if unexpected, it was incredibly welcome. Feeling your lips against his made him feel loved— wanted and whole. You were the part of him that he never knew he needed until you came into his life.

— Eventually, you both pulled away, and you met his gaze with a gentle one of your own, smiling at him as you traced his scars delicately with your fingertips, taking in his presence.

— “Well hello to you too, angel. I’m glad to see you. Not that I haven’t before— but it’s different now that we’re in person. You’re even more stunning that I could’ve ever imagined.” He said in a soft tone. You laughed a bit in response and smiled, pecking his lips once more before allowing him to place you down.

— “Sorry, I couldn’t contain myself. It’s really nice to see you. Save the compliments for later, though! Lest you want me to keep kissing you. We’re in public, after all.” You chided playfully before grabbing his hand after he’d gathered all of his things.

— “But really, I’m glad you made it here, Quest. Seeing you… I can’t put into words just how happy I am.” You said softly as you looked up at him. He returned the fond expression, intertwining your fingers and squeezing your hand gently.

— “I know, angel. I feel the exact same way. Speechless at finally seeing you in person. Now let’s go, we have the whole week ahead of us.” He responded.

XYX —

— Finally. You made it. After a rather grueling plane ride, you’d finally landed in the airport. You were here to visit Xyx for a while— but more importantly, it was your first meeting. You’d been dating the server troll for almost a year now. You’d gotten lucky with the server censors— but not as lucky with your respective schedules. With Xyx having a rather packed schedule, and you hardly having time for a vacation, planning the actual trip was a hassle— but it finally came to fruition. You were excited, but equally tired. All you wanted right now was to be with Xyx— to give the man affection that you knew he deserved.

— Of course, you expected playful banter from him the moment he saw you— such was apart of his suave nature, but you didn’t plan to let him get a single word in. Not if you could help it. You’d have plenty of time to deal with Xyx’s incessant teasing during the rest of your time there. However, after hours of being in an airplane with countless connecting flights? The last thing you wanted was for him to make some sly comment first thing. You wanted to be in his embrace— wanted to know that he was there first thing— so that’s what you planned to do when you arrived.

— You let out a tired sigh as you grabbed your luggage, pulling out your phone and reading the messages from your boyfriend soon after. He told you he’d be waiting outside, and that he hoped you were ready for a wild ride on his motorcycle— all things you could respond to and complain about later— you just wanted to see him.

— You exited the airport and spotted Xyx from afar. When he saw you— the same telltale smirk appeared on his face, one that you were so incredibly used to— one that you’d fallen so deeply in love with. Just as you loved how vulnerable he could be, you loved how flirty he could be as well, but now was not the time to ponder such things.

— You smiled, jogging lightly over to the other. He raised a curious brow at your hurriedness, paired with a smug smile. An equally clever remark was about to be spoken, but before that could happen, you dropped your things and grabbed the collar of his shirt and tugged him into a deep kiss, the tension leaving your body with it. He was here— the trip was worth it. You’d made it home.

— Xyx’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything, merely smirking and pulling you closer by your hips, moving his lips in sync with yours. After a few seconds, you both pulled away. Xyx’s face was flushed with a slight tinge of red— obviously taken aback by the sudden act of affection, but wanting to keep up his collected front. That didn’t last, however.

— “Sorry, but I just really needed to feel you. I needed to know that I made it and I’m not living in some dream. I love you, Xyx. I’m so glad that I’m finally here.” You confessed, relaxing into his arms as he embraced you tightly. Xyx teared up ever so slightly, smiling like a fool as he hugged you tighter.

— “You never need to apologize for something like that, love. I’m… really glad that you’re finally here. And for the record— I… I love you too.” He said softly and you hummed in content before pulling back to admire him for a moment. This is what you’d been waiting for for so long. You gave him a few more light kisses before pulling away. Xyx cleared his throat, the blush still ever present in his face as he attempted to compose himself.

— “Right, well. We should head off. Don’t want to leave Cat waiting too long. I’m sure they can’t wait to see you either. And I’m sure they’ll love you just as much as I do.” Xyx stated and you nodded.

— Though you were sure you’d gain Cat’s favor, you didn’t think what he said was physically possible. You didn’t think anyone could love, cherish and adore you as much as Xyx did. But it was fine because it was entirely mutual.

NAKEDTOASTER —

— In all honesty, it had been difficult for you to contain your excitement regarding visiting Toasty for the first time. It had been a huge, organized surprise that you managed with the help of pretty much the entire server. From creating a private channel to discuss— helping you find a good time— the whole bloomic server assisted you in finalizing the surprise for Toasty.

— You had texted him the whole time— even paying for airplane internet access so he wouldn’t suspect a single thing. You were nervous that he found out, but Xyx assured you that he was none the wiser. All according to plan!

— You wanted to surprise him because you had vacation time to use, and more importantly, you’d noticed that Toasty had been stressing himself out more, getting less sleep and the like. You figured he needed a week to just relax, and there was nothing better than spending a week with your partner for some much needed TLC! You couldn’t wait to see his reaction, but more importantly, you couldn’t wait to give him the physical affection you’d promised to him so many times over call.

— Your plane finally landed and you grabbed your luggage. You texted Toasty that you had to go, and you could sense his disappointment through the texts, but he’d been reassured when you promised to text him again the moment you had the chance. The final part of your plan was in action. You know he’d be ending raid hours with Xyx about now, but you’d gotten Xyx to try distracting him for about another hour so you could get to his apartment without him suspecting anything.

— It worked. You were in front of his apartment door. You took a deep breath, soon knocking on the door and waiting. You heard a soft groan and shuffling from behind the door before hearing a soft ‘wait a moment’ from Toasty. Your heartbeat quickened as you heard the steps approach the door and soon enough it opened.

— “Who’s the— WH— (y/n)? H-how are you..?” He was awestruck, eyes wide as he looked you up and down, processing the fact that you were indeed in front of him. He wordlessly stepped to the side, allowing you to walk in before closing the door behind you. Before he got the chance to ask more questions, you dropped your things and looked at him, placing a hand on his cheek and pulling him into a passionate kiss.

— His eyes widened, but he felt himself relax into the touch, kissing back, gently resting his hand on your hip as you kissed him with an intensity that expressed the joy you felt in that moment. Toasty gave a shy smile against your lips, his face flushing red as one of your hands moved into his hair to undo the side ponytail it had been in, carding your fingers gently through his hair as you kissed him. You soon pulled away and he looked at you, unable to hold eye contact for long before he hid his face behind his hands. Wow. He had not been expecting that. You were here and you had just kissed him in a way that left him entirely speechless.

— “Surprise! I’m here for the week. Sorry, I got a bit carried away. I was just… really looking forward to surprising you, Toasty.” You expressed, gently playing with his hair as you allowed him a few moments to let the embarrassment pass so he could compose himself. He soon lifted his head, looking at you with a nervous, yet sincere smile.

— “No no! Don’t apologize— I-I’m really happy you’re here… really… and I liked the kiss! I’m just processing everything. You really… really surprised me. I can’t believe you’re actually here— I feel like I should clean up a bit the place is a mess.” He rambled for a few moments and you gave a light laugh and kissed him once more. He quickly shut up before looking at you with a loving gaze.

— “No need to worry about the mess. I don’t mind. Besides, I just really wanna enjoy your company, you know?” You said softly and he nodded, wrapping his arms around you tightly as he took in your presence. You were with him— you were there and when he needed it most. You smiled, kissing him gently on the temple and playing with his hair a bit.

— “Thank you for coming here. I’m really happy to see you.” He said softly and you smiled and nodded.

— “Of course. Anything for you.” You responded quietly.

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic fluff #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #bp nightowl x reader #bp quest x reader #bp xyx x reader #bp toasty x reader #bp nightowl #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

hello! hope you're having a lovely day :) could I ask for a one shot with quest and an enby reader who is severely touch deprived? to the point that when he initiates affection they just freeze and don't know what to do. and quest is just concerned that he might be scaring them due to his background and just slowly stops trying to start physical touch with them. please make it as angsty as you would like, have a nice day :)

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. poison in your mind (quest x reader)

tags ; heavy angst, invasive thoughts, touch starved reader, gender neural reader

summary ; (y/n) is incredibly touch deprived— unable to process or bear the affection of another. It feels like far too much for them to handle, yet they’re unable to express that. Quest spirals into his own thoughts— afraid that his partner has become afraid of him due to his past. Slowly, the two drift apart.

author’s note ; ouch— this is an amazing request, anon! Thank you for the request and I hope you’re having a lovely day as well! Quest angst really hits different and this concept hurts my heart in the best way possible. I hope you enjoy! :)

It was supposed to be a happy, fun-filled week. It was supposed to be the moment that their love was solidified— time for both of them to take a break from work, to enjoy each other’s presence. It was anything but that. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Wasn’t supposed to end like this.

It was a few weeks after (y/n) had joined the Blooming Panic server. In that time frame, Quest had fallen hard for them— quickly growing protective over the other, more so after the societyboy situation. The two had begun dating and soon enough, the censors lifted.

Quest was excited— he’d scheduled himself a vacation week just for this. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself a break to enjoy the week with his partner. He counted down the days, hours— the minutes until they arrived. (y/n) expressed similar excitement— stating that they couldn’t wait to see him in person and to finally make it all feel tangible and more real than it felt before. Upon their arrival, things went smoothly. They had a fun conversation in the car on the way to Quest’s apartment— lighthearted jokes and laughs exchanged between them.

Quest looked at (y/n) with nothing but adoration. Being in person with them now… them being by his side and not behind a screen— it was a dream come true. He loved them even more than he had previously, if that was even possible. Every laugh, smile and word spoken— it all made his heart swell with joy. They were his. They loved him despite everything that happened— able to look beyond his past and recognize him as a truly changed man who wanted nothing but the absolute best for others, even if that meant the sacrifice of his own happiness. A flaw that only expressed his deep fear of hurting others. (y/n) knew that and made sure that he was taken care of. They checked in on him, reminded him to rest properly just as he had done for so many others.

They loved him and he felt the exact same towards them. He never noticed anything being particularly off with them— didn’t see any signs that anything could be wrong.

But everything spiraled downwards. Starting from when the pair arrived back at his apartment.

Quest opened the door for them and they walked in with a smile, looking around as they admired the decor. Minimal, but still authentically Quest. He couldn’t help but melt a bit at the look on their face, soon grabbing their bag from their hands.

“Make yourself comfortable, angel. I’ll put this in the bedroom. Then I’ll make you something to drink. Then we’ll figure out dinner.” He said softly. (y/n) responded with a grateful nod, feeling tired from the journey there. They watched him walk off before settling on the couch with a relieved sigh.

Quest walked back into the main space after a few minutes, glancing over at his lover who was sitting back, their eyes shut as they relaxed for a moment. He couldn’t believe that they were actually there— they were with him in his apartment after so many weeks spent behind a screen. He walked over, wrapping his arms around them from behind and resting his head on their shoulder.

“You know, if you want we can just stay in tonight. Order takeout and just enjoy each other’s company instead.” He suggested in a warm tone, a small smile on his face. However, instead of the loving response he expected, he got nothing.

(y/n) tensed underneath his touch, becoming completely still, their eyes widened. The touch was something completely foreign to them— something they’d never experienced before. Although they craved it— wanted so badly to be physically affectionate— it was something they’d been deprived of for so long that they had no idea how to handle it. They were sensitive to it and their thoughts ran rampant. Too much, too much— too much! Say something— explain it to him— say anything! Despite their efforts, they remained silent, unable to express their thoughts, feeling it on the tip of their tongue but unable to claw their way out.

Quest’s eyes widened at their discomfort— quickly pulling away. He walked around the couch to face them directly. Scanning their expression, he noticed something— something he mistook as fear, and his heart dropped. The shakiness, tension, wide eyes— it had to be fear, right? (y/n), however, shut their eyes tightly. Had their anxiety scared him off? Had he gotten the wrong idea? They cursed themself in their head. Of course this would happen. Of course they’d be unable to state the one thing they wanted to explain when they met Quest in person.

“I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you— or startle you. I didn’t think you’d— I’m sorry, (y/n).” He said softly and (y/n) shook their head and averted their gaze away.

“It’s fine. There’s no need to apologize— let’s just stay in and watch a movie and order food. I don’t… want to talk about this.” (y/n) explained apologetically. They couldn’t get the words out and they didn’t want to frustrate themself with trying to explain something without the words to properly express it. Quest’s expression fell. He’d be more careful next time— make sure to initiate affection when they expected it. Maybe that’s why they’d been so startled. It couldn’t be because of… that… right? They weren’t like that. They weren’t fearful when they found out.

Quest nodded in understanding, pushing the topic out of his mind for the time being and putting forth a gentle smile.

“Here, pick a movie. I’ll order us food. Craving anything in particular?” He asked and (y/n) hummed softly before shaking their head, soon turning on the tv and scrolling through movie selections. The rest of the night went by quickly— the two enjoying the presence of the other, the incident long forgotten.

That was the end of that— and for a while, things were okay, however, it didn’t last long. These things have a tendency to rear their ugly heads at the worst possible time.

It was the middle of the week, the two were eating dinner together in the apartment and Quest had idly reached over and grabbed (y/n)’s hand from across the table— and thus returned the anxiety, the stillness and the silence— and for Quest, many ugly feelings of fear bubbled within him and he quickly pulled his hand back away from theirs with a soft apology.

He kept trying, figuring that his partner just needed to get used to his presence— but he was met with the same intense reaction each time.

(y/n) wanted so desperately to tell him how they felt— every time Quest tried to give affection, they wanted so badly to reciprocate, but their body was completely unaware of how affection felt— how the touch of another felt— that they always grew anxious. Both had the most poisonous thoughts in their heads— but both couldn’t say a thing.

Quest wondered after his many failed attempts if it was his background. Was his lover scared that he’d hurt them? He never even dreamed of it— but was that why? He always tried to initiate affection, but the other always clammed up— tears pricking their eyes— and with time, Quest’s attempts became less and less frequent as he drew into himself.

He wondered what his lover thought of him. What did they see? A monster? A criminal? A violent person who hadn’t changed a bit from his past? Each thought was worse than the last— and each one he kept to himself.

(y/n) wondered similar things. Did Quest find their predicament pitiful? Did he see them as a broken, dysfunctional person who couldn’t even respond to the touch of another? Did he view them as someone who was weak? Someone he didn’t want to involve himself with? They noticed him slowly stop initiating affection— and they wondered if he somehow felt unloved, annoyed— or upset with them. Did Quest feel like they couldn’t trust him? That their silence wasn’t a matter of circumstance, but of choice? (y/n) had no idea, but they were physically unable to get the words out— feeling strained in their throat whenever they tried.

Soon enough, even conversation ceased between them. The discomfort and tension was too great— either party unable to utter a word. Quest was fearful that soon enough, even a word out of his mouth would be enough to make his partner flinch. (y/n) was afraid that another attempt to tell the truth would lead to them breaking down completely in frustration. As the hours passed, the emotional distance manifested into something physical— with Quest unable to even sit near them without feeling afraid that he’d startle his lover. (y/n) wanted so desperately to reach out when he physically distanced himself— but their body was frozen in place.

Now, (y/n) was sat silently on the couch with Quest seated in the kitchen. The echoes of the earlier, happy memories of the week were still ever present, and both reminisced on it. Quest and (y/n) both missed the earlier lighthearted nature of their interactions— the jokes, laughter and brightness.

When had things become so fucked up?

They were seated in the same room as each other, yet, despite that?

It was the most alone that either one of them had ever felt. The last word spoken between them was by Quest— a soft, rhetorical question that (y/n) wasn’t even supposed to hear.

“When did you become so afraid of me?”

That question still rang loudly in (y/n)’s head, haunting every corner of their memories. They still had a few more days of this unbearable silence to deal with. They distantly heard Quest stand up and walk into the bedroom, shutting the door.

Only then did (y/n) allow themself to break down— the tears finally fell. They covered their mouth, silencing their sobs as the guilt overwhelmed them. They were hurting Quest— they made him feel unloved— made him feel like it was his fault when it was anything but— all because their anxiety regarding touch wouldn’t let them utter a single word. It had a strong hold over them— and they felt as if they couldn’t do a thing about it.

They pulled back, staring at their hands before wrapping their arms tightly around themselves, their body shaking with the weight of their sobs as one thought rang loudly throughout their mind.

“What is wrong with me?”

And all Quest could do was listen from his room as his lover— his angel tried so desperately to stifle their sobs. He sat, his back against the door as he tried recounting the events of the previous days— trying so hard to figure out— Had it been doomed from the beginning? Did he do something to set them off? Had they both been in over their heads—

When did everything go wrong?

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic angst #blooming panic quest #bp quest #bp quest x reader #quest x reader #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

can we please have a continuation of the one sided mutual pining PLEASE I OWE YOU MY LIFE

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. finally confessing

read part one ; here!

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, nakedtoaster, onionthief, june

tags ; fluff, confessions, getting together

author’s note ; anon!! you owe me nothing!! I’m happy to write the continuation! Side note; ahhh I’m back in university and spring break is over, but fret not! I will still aim for a post a day or every other day!! I will still be feeding you all! Enjoy the fluff!! <3

NIGHTOWL —

— Nightowl sighed as he logged on to the server the next morning. He’d spent the entire night crying— he was exhausted. Physically. Mentally— everything. Even though he knew it’d hurt knowing he was just a friend, he still wanted to talk to you. He wanted so badly to hear you say good morning— to get into a call with you and to see your face. It always made him feel better.

— However, instead he was met with countless pings and private messages when he finally went online— asking where he was and if he was okay. He was confused— did everyone really miss him that much? Missing a call wasn’t exactly out of character for him. What he didn’t know was that on the group call the night previous, you had confessed to all of your friends that you liked Nightowl when they’d inquired as to why you’d been so upset at his absence. The rest of the server knew that Nightowl liked you and was mulling over it, so the confirmation was enough for them to spring into action.

— After he read through the messages, he only had more questions than answers. What was so important that they needed to tell him? Why were they so adamant that it had to happen as soon as possible? He was confused. He glanced at the texts from the morning, seeing you in a call with June. He decided that whatever it was, one of you would tell him, right?

— He sighed. What if it wasn’t good news? Well, it was important either way, so he figured he’d join in and find out. No use in putting it off, so joined the call with you and June.

— “— And that’s when I knew he liked you, too. Did you not see that?” He heard June mention and he froze. Did someone else like you? June said ‘liked you, too—‘ was it mutual? It made his heart fall, but he forced a smile.

— “Mornin’ guys! What was… so important about last night that I missed?” He questioned and June visibly jumped, her eyes widening at realizing that he’d joined the call in the middle of her sentence.

— “Ah, good luck (y/n)! I’ve gotta run!” June chided and quickly left the call. Nightowl paused and raised an eyebrow, looking at you as you let out a long sigh, shaking your head affectionately at June’s antics, apologizing for her hastiness in leaving.

— “Soooo… what’s this news about? Is it about the person you like? So? Who is it?” He asked with a false playfulness. In truth, the conversation hurt more than anything, but he wanted to be supportive of you. He didn’t want you to see his upset or jealousy. Not after you’ve been so kindhearted to him. You laughed, though. A real, bright laughter that made your eyes sparkle. Did you like this person that much? Had he… lost his chance?

— “It’s a funny situation, actually. I thought it wasn’t mutual. June was just telling me about how it was and how oblivious I’ve been being.” You spoke with a soft fondness. He only felt worse— was it someone else in the server? Had you gotten close to someone else without him realizing? He needed answers—

— “Ooooh! Someone in the server? Who? You have to tell me!” He insisted. He’d be supportive regardless— he had to be. You smiled softly, and looked at him.

— “You, of course. I didn’t realize you liked me all this time. I’ve liked you for a while now.” You stated and his face flushed. Wait. Wait. It was…

— “W-Wait— you like me? When? How? Wait— ah yes, of course I like you too, I just— never realized.” Nightowl stumbled over his words, worlds of happiness and relief washing over him as he covered his face. He smiled sheepishly as tears fell from his eyes. You gave a concerned look behind the screen.

— “Nightowl— are you okay? Why are you crying?” You asked softly and he looked up, giving a bright smile.

— “I’m just really happy and really relieved. I was so scared that you didn’t like me. Thank you for choosing me. I appreciate it.” He chided, wiping his tears away. His heart was full. You liked him— you always had. You were both just completely oblivious to it.

— “So— when can I meet you?” Nightowl asked with a loving gaze.

QUEST —

— Quest sighed as he logged in the next evening. Once again, you were offline. You likely hadn’t come back from work quite yet, so he was left waiting for you once more. He felt disappointed and a bit regretful. You had sent messages, asking if he was alright— saying that you missed having your nightly call with him. You’d also expressed quite quickly after that that you weren’t upset or anything— just that you hoped he was alright and you missed him. He chuckled softly. Cute. You always worried incessantly. He loved that you were always so willing to listen and help others. It was a bittersweet thought. He loved everything about you, but he couldn’t be with you. You were far out of his grasp.

— He shook the thoughts from his head and read through the backlogs of the chat for a bit before noticing that Lady had messaged that she would sit in the call channel alone, asking anyone who came online to come and entertain her. He shrugged, figuring that it’d be a good way to pass time until you came online. He joined the call.

— “Finally! I was getting bored in this ghost town! How are you, Quest? Why the glum look? Sad that your angel isn’t online?” Lady teased with a small smirk and Quest felt his face flush, stuttering for a moment before taking a deep breath.

— “Does everyone in the server know about that?” Quest muttered and looked at her. She snickered and smiled.

— “About your crush? Yeah, everyone knows. Well, aside from (y/n). They’re not the type to pick up on that sort of thing easily.” Lady mused and Quest chuckled. Of course. You were far too concerned with others to even consider that someone would be head over heels for you. Selfless, as per usual. He let out a soft sigh at the thought and Lady quirked a brow in curiosity.

— “I’m in over my head, aren’t I, Lady? I really do like them, but they treat me like everyone else. I mean— how do you even tell if someone feels that way for you? Am I even enough for them?” He questioned softly and Lady gaped at him before shaking her head.

— “Wait wait wait— backtrack— Quest. First off, you’re a complete catch. Secondly, they do not treat you like everyone else! Have you never realized that?” Lady questioned in disbelief. Quest gave her a confused expression, a silent question of ‘what do you mean?’ written all over his face. Lady let out a loud laugh.

— “Wow— it’s no wonder you both haven’t gotten together yet! I thought they were dense, but looks like you both are. Quest, have you never noticed that you’re the only person that actually knows what they look like? What they sound like? Everyone else has tried getting them in a call to no avail. When we asked them why you get special treatment, they respond the same way! ‘Quest is special, so he gets special treatment.’ They like you, you know!” Lady insisted and Quest’s eyes widened. How had he not realized that? He was about to respond before he heard someone join the call, soon hearing you chide in a greeting. Lady smirked, leaving the call right after.

— “Huh. I figured she’d at least wait for me to turn on my camera. She’s been adamant on finding out what I look like.” You murmured before shrugging. Quest looked at you, smiling before finally processing everything Lady had told him. Wow. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before. Maybe he’d been too far in his own head and insecurity regarding it all that he’d ignored the obvious signs.

— “It’s nice to see you, angel. Sorry for missing our call last night. As for Lady, she’s just giving us privacy. So, how long have you liked me for?” He asked curiously and you looked at him with wide eyes before laughing.

— “You found out? I’ve liked you for a long time now. I was gonna confess on this call— but I guess I don’t have to. I was supposed to do it last night, but you’d logged off by then.” You explained to him and he laughed a bit.

— “Well, I do like you too. It’s mutual, angel. And after waiting so long to realize this, I’m not gonna wait any longer. Will you be mine?” He asked and you smiled at him and nodded.

— “Quest, I’ve always been yours. We’re just making things official now.”

XYX —

— Xyx was sitting on a call with Toasty, complaining once more about his worries and concerns regarding how you felt about him. Did you think he flirted with everyone? Did you see him as some sort of player— would you even give him a chance if he asked? Toasty just have a small noise of acknowledgment and Xyx sighed.

— “You’re hardly listening, right? I’m having an obvious crisis here, Toaster!” Xyx insisted in a playful, yet dramatic tone. Toasty let out a soft groan and rolled his eyes, staring at the second screen in front of him before glancing over at Xyx through the camera.

— “In my defense, I have this same conversation twice without fail every time you two call. It’s only natural that after a while I’d get way too used to it. You’re both so dense.” Toasty muttered and Xyx just paused. What did he mean? He knew that you and Toasty called often— but he always assumed it was because you liked him, not Xyx. Had he been completely off? He was confused.

— “What exactly do you mean by that? Twice? I can hardly believe that.” Xyx stated and Toasty rolled his eyes a bit before looking right at him through the screen.

— “Xyx. They call me complaining about the same thing. They question whether or not you like them, not to mention they constantly chicken out of confessing to you. Anyone in the server can easily tell that you two like each other aside from you both, apparently. And I just so happen to be caught in the middle of it. I wanted to let you two figure it out yourselves, but I figure it’s probably better if I tell you now before you combust completely.” Toasty explained and leaned his head on his hand. Xyx deadpanned. This whole time… you felt the same way— you were questioning if he liked you? He laughed, relief settling into him as he shook his head.

— “This whole time, huh? They’ve… well. Sorry for unintentionally dragging you between this, Toasty. I have a call to make.” Xyx insisted. Toaster wished him good luck before he hung up, calling you up immediately after when he noticed you were online.

— “Hm? What’s up, Xyx?” You questioned as you looked at him. He just gave a knowing smirk and admired you for a second before humming playfully.

— “I heard through my most trusted sources that someone talks about me a lot. And that someone has a bit of a crush on me.” Xyx teased and your eyes widened before you laughed.

— “I should’ve figured that Toasty would tell you at some point. So? Does the legendary Xyx want to tell me his response? Or am I gonna be left in waiting?” You responded with a small smile of your own. He chuckled before giving you a sincere smile, warmth and happiness etched into his features.

— “Can’t even let me build up a bit of suspense? That’s fine. I like you— a lot. Romantically. Honestly I thought you didn’t feel the same for the longest time. I’m.. relieved? Happy. That you feel the same.” Xyx said softly and you smiled at him, giving a fond and loving expression that he absolutely melted under.

— “When you look at me like that it really makes me wonder how I didn’t notice it sooner.” Xyx mumbled. You let out a soft laugh before Cat jumped up on Xyx’s desk, causing him to laugh.

— “I know, Cat! We finally worked things out!” You chimed to the feline on screen. Xyx pulled Cat into his arms before looking at you through the screen and giving a small smirk.

— “Yes and now there’s the next step. You just have to come down and see me! I don’t think I could wait any longer.” Xyx admitted with an adoring expression. You have a smile and nodded. Of course you would. You both waited so long just for this, after all.

NAKEDTOASTER —

— Toasty sighed after finishing playing FFVIX for the day. He glanced over at the server, noticing that it was still running rampant with messages from all of the members. He became curious, heading into the general chat. Toasty groaned at the amount of backlog— soon opting to join the call that you had been in with Xyx and Nightowl instead, hoping that you three would fill him in on what happened.

— A part of him felt nervous. What could it have been? Did you find out he liked you? Did you get with someone else in server? He had no idea what it could’ve been. He distantly wondered if the server was at risk because of BloomBot again— but knew that she was no longer like that anymore, satisfied as long as she could keep creating on her own. Besides, BloomBot would’ve just called him if it was important— so then, what was it? Once he joined the call, he was met with a brief silence before Xyx spoke up.

— “Quick! He hasn’t read the backlog! Delete all of your messages!” Xyx joked playfully and you burst out in laughter along with Nightowl.

— “Oh nooo! There’s too many! We’ll never make it in time!” Nightowl chided and Toasty narrowed his eyes at both of them.

— “Hey! Rude. There’s hundreds of messages, though. It’s a little overwhelming to try reading everything. Here I was hoping someone would just catch me up to speed on what was so important. Did the server act up or something?” Toasty questioner idly. Xyx smirked and looked at him.

— “Oh no, this is a far more romantic topic. (y/n)? I think Nightowl and I should leave you to catch our dear friend up on the events of the past few hours. Have fun~!” Xyx teased before leaving the call, Nightowl following in suit. Toasty felt his face flush— romantic topic? So you had found out? He looked at you nervously and let out a shaky sigh.

— “I’m guessing you found out, then? That I like you, I mean. Look you don’t have to feel the same! There’s no.. obligation or anything.” Toasty murmured. You just sat there dumbfounded for a few moments before smiling, leaning back in your own chair. He was confused, but stayed silent and let you speak.

— “No, I didn’t know that. Actually, what happened was that Xyx found out I liked you and spilled that to the entire server. I figured he might— but I had no idea you felt the same.” You explained and Toasty felt his chest tighten in pure happiness. You liked him? Everyone was pinging him because it was mutual and they wanted him to know— he’d been sulking for hours on his game when he could’ve just taken a glance and found out the truth?

— “Wow, I had no idea—! I usually don’t… pick up on this sort of thing as easily as everyone else. How long?” He asked with a shy smile. You returned the gesture before humming for a moment as you thought.

— “Honestly? The first time you opened up to me in person a few months ago. It felt… nice to be trusted like that. I started realizing that I felt so much more for you than I cared to admit at the time.” You expressed and Toasty hid his face for a moment before laughing softly.

— “Wow, that long? Yeah, um— me too. It’s been a long time now… wow. I’m so relieved. So so happy. Does this mean that we’re—?” He asked quietly, his voice trailing off.

— “Yes, Toasty. This means we’re together. I’m more than happy to be yours considering that you’ve had my heart for a while now. Cute that you asked, though.” You commented casually and he blushed and shook his head.

— “You think I’m cute..? Jeez, you have too much of an effect on me. Well! Now that we figured this out, wanna come over, maybe? I think it’d be nice to get affection from you that isn’t platonic… plus I really need to know that this is real.” Toasty explained and you gave him an affectionate smile. He was your boyfriend. Of course you wanted to make him happy and finally be with him in person as partners, not friends.

— “I’ll be there in an hour. Wait for me?” You asked softly.

— “I’ve been waiting for months now. I can handle another hour. I’ll see you soon.” Toasty said with a smile.

ONIONTHIEF —

— Onion was sat with you in a call while you both studied. It was silent, but comfortable, merely enjoying one another’s company while you both worked. You kept each other on track, helped with any lingering questions and took breaks when you’d been going on too long. At first, he was hesitant to the idea, but gave in soon after. You were his soft spot, though he’d never admit that outright.

— He glanced at you on the screen, noticing you staring off into space. You’d been like that for the past few minutes, distracted, unable to work. He sighed, placing his pencil down and setting his work aside.

— “Let’s take a break. Ten minutes, that’s it. I can tell you’re not focusing.” Onion mentioned and you gave a sheepish smile and glanced away for a moment.

— “Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. I didn’t mean to distract you from your work.” You murmured and he shook his head.

— “Don’t worry about it. It’s about due time for a break anyways. So, what is it? What’s on your mind? You should talk about it. If you don’t, you’ll just end up losing focus again. So tell me, what is it that has you so distracted?” He questioned, putting up an unfazed front. He had do so you wouldn’t worry, but he couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t curious. You were a diligent worker— usually never distracted when studying. What was it that had you so lost in your own thoughts? Did you get with someone? Did you like someone? It was a distant, bitter thought, but he had to be supportive regardless. You didn’t see him as a romantic interest. He had to accept that.

— “Well… I had a conversation with Nightowl and June about dating the other day. I guess my head’s still a little lost thinking about it.” You admitted and Onion nodded in understanding. Of course. He knew the day would come.

— “Did those two say something? Don’t mind them they… try to be helpful, but they don’t always realize that not everyone wants their advice or appreciates it. Disregard whatever it is, I’m sure they were only trying to be helpful in their own way.” Onion stated with a blank expression. You shook your head.

— “No no, they didn’t say anything mean. They were just trying to help me with my situation! I like someone in the server, but I have no idea what their stance on romance is. It’s… complicated.” You explained and Onion felt a sting. He knew you’d find someone else, but someone he knew? That hurt even more. It felt like… you were choosing someone else over him. Though it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t as if he made the feelings known. He went through the possibilities in his head— who could it be?

— “Regardless of who it is, I’m sure they like you. You’re intelligent, good to talk to, and you’re nice. Either way, why don’t you just directly ask them? It won’t do you any favors to keep running around in circles for answers when you could just get the answer by asking.” Onion mentioned. You seemed to relax at the advice, nodding in agreement. He looked away. He wished it was him.

— “Okay, so what’s your opinion on dating, Onion?” You questioned. Onion hummed for a moment before looking at you.

— “I’ll date someone I find to be compatible with me, only if they’re taking it serio- wait…” The realization slowly dawned on him. You asking him that question insinuated that— there’s no way. You gave a small smile, your face flushed slightly red as he realized and he looked at you.

— “Were you talking about me? You like… me? Really?” Onion questioned, his serious tone wavering slightly in disbelief. You liked him? How had he not seen that? Did he miss obvious signs? He could’ve sworn—

— “Yeah… I’ve liked you for a while now. Why do you think I always pay you so much special attention? I like spending time with you.” You stated directly. Your tone was sincere. He knew that you were being truthful and he felt his heart warm, cracking a small smile.

— “Lucky for you, it’s mutual. I like you too. I just always figured you’d pick someone with more… charm.” Onion admitted and you laughed a bit.

— “You have your own charm, Onion. You’re supportive and you care for me, even if it’s not direct. You always make sure I take breaks, help me stay on task, praise me for my work… it means a lot. So? Does this mean you’ll be my boyfriend?” You asked with a small smile. He couldn’t help it, giving a genuine, soft smile as he looked at you.

— “Yes. I’d gladly be your boyfriend. Thank you for telling me directly. I thought I’d be better at picking up on the signs.” Onion mentioned, admiring you as he fully processed that wow. It was mutual this whole time. You chose him— admired him in the same way he did with you.

— “Awe, you should smile more! It’s cute.” You said in a lighthearted, teasing tone. Onion felt his face flush slightly and shook his head.

— “Hey! Enough of that. Ten minutes is up. Focus on your work.” He insisted and your laughter died down, slowly getting back into your work. He stared at you for a moment, unable to keep a smile off of his face as he soon went back to his own work. He could hardly focus, but for once, maybe that was a good thing. Something he could fully welcome.

— After all, even before you were his, he always had the biggest soft spot for you.

JUNE —

— June awoke the next morning and logged into the server, wishing a bright good morning to you, a small smile on her face as she did. She still felt a little bittersweet doing so. How long would she be able to do this? How long could she live in the bliss of not having to worry? How long until you had a partner and she had to finally accept that you wouldn’t be hers?

— When you responded with a brief greeting, along with a request to call, she felt her heart drop. You insisted it was urgent. Was she already too late? Was it already time for her to accept reality and move on? She was scared— but she couldn’t be a bad friend and be unsupportive. That’d only leave you questioning why and then you’d figure it out. She’d risk losing you completely if that happened, so she took a deep breath and nodded to herself. She could do this! She glanced at your icon, alone in the voice channel before finally joining.

— “Hey! What’s up, (y/n)? What happened?” She asked curiosity, but fear brewed in the pit of her stomach, worried as to what it could possibly be. You fidgeted a bit, glancing at her every so often before sighing and looking at her.

— “I was typing up a paragraph last night to tell you something, but then I decided that I wanted to just. Tell you over call instead. It would be easier if I did it this way, y’know? But… seeing you now makes me nervous.” You admitted with a soft smile and she couldn’t help but return it. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if she could see you this happy. Even if she wasn’t the one causing it, even if it hurt— it would be worth it.

— “You can tell me anything! I’m here for you!” June chided. It was still bitter for her— still painful and upsetting, but how could she be anything but supportive when you looked so… happy. Adoration was present in your eyes. She could tell. She couldn’t be the reason that look vanished.

— “Thanks, Junebug. I appreciate it. Okay. Okay here goes— June. I like you. I’ve had the biggest crush on you for ages. Seeing you get so passionate when you talk— watching your cute expression when you get really into a drawing— hearing you laugh and smile when we talk— everything. I love everything about you. I wanted to ask if you’d be my girlfriend.” You expressed with a fond smile and June was taken completely aback, her heart pounding loudly in her ears and her face flushing red. She was shocked— that adoration in your expression was because of her? You loved her? You chose her despite all of her imperfections? She felt tears prick her eyes, relieved, elated— and so madly in love.

— “Yes! Yes of course! I’d love to— I had no idea you felt the same, (y/n). I’m so happy. I never thought you’d like me.” June rambled for a bit, laughing and smiling, questioning how she’d missed that entirely. You liked her. She was yours and you were hers— and the sound of the phrase your girlfriend paired with her name was a symphony to her ears.

— “I thought I was being obvious, but I’m really happy that you feel the same. I’m shocked you hadn’t realized it. I always showered you in compliments— paid special attention to you… everyone else in the server picked up on it pretty quickly.” You admitted and June gave a soft expression.

— “Maybe I’m just better at dissecting fictional romance. Not so much when it comes to the real thing. But that’s okay! I’m glad you confessed. I’m glad things worked out.” June insisted with a smile. From there, you both talked a lot more. Questions of when you two would be able to meet, what you’d do— everything.

— And June was so happy. She felt lucky that you chose her and even if she felt a little undeserving, you were there to remind her.

— She deserved the absolute best. And you planned to be just that and more for her.

#blooming panic #blooming panic x reader #bloomic #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #blooming panic onionthief #blooming panic june #bp nightowl #bp nightowl x reader #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #bp onionthief #bp june #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. “one-sided” attraction

read part 2 ; here!

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, nakedtoaster + onion & june

tags ; angst, it’s not actually one-sided, mutual pining, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; angst! :D anyways I’ve decided to keep adding onion and june from here on forward! Onion purely out of obligation, but June because I adore her. I want more june content— send all june content my way! I love her more than anything <3 enjoy the angst! :)

NIGHTOWL —

— Nightowl smiles softly at your messages of encouragement in your private channel. He responds with his usual cheery gratitude before letting out a soft sigh. You were always so kind to him— to everyone in the server. He liked you and had for a long time. He looked forward to every call, every text, every photo that you’d send his way. He was head over heels for you, but would you really ever pick someone like him? Would you ever love someone like him?

— After all, he had quite the possessive streak. He was the jealous type— not to mention clingy, overly affectionate— and he wasn’t some fancy STEM major like some of the other server members were. He was far from perfect. He wanted to be someone you deserved— wanted to be someone you’d give your attention to, but alas, he was almost certain that you didn’t like him. You saw him platonically. It’d never shift into the affection he wanted it to be.

— He put his head down as he set his status to offline. They were having a group call— you’d be there, but he didn’t want to be dragged into it. Not tonight— he couldn’t. He knew that those ugly feelings of jealousy would return. He’d see you smile at the others, show them the same care you showed him, all while he had to wait and wonder what it’d be like to be yours. He felt tears well up, not out of sadness, but frustration. Why couldn’t he just tell you? At least if he got rejected— maybe he could move on.

— If he heard it from you himself that he didn’t have a chance, it’d be painful. But at least he could stop entertaining the possibility— finally stop wishful thinking, mindlessly hoping that one day you’d be his. But as far as he was concerned, he was far too anxious to ever directly say that he liked you. Scared of the rejection he might face— scared to face the potential reality of you not feeling the same for him.

— He hoped that you’d understand his advances— pleaded that the flirting and compliments and pet names would get through to you. Maybe he’d get lucky and you would reciprocate— return the flirting and the pet names— give him the confidence he needed to confess to you. Because in a world where you did return his teasing and hapless flirting, he’d be more confident that you liked him and wanted to be with him— he’d feel it mutually between you both.

— But that was but a distant daydream. He couldn’t even begin to fathom a guess as to how he’d ever manage to get over you. You treated him like a friend. Just a friend. The tears continued to slip as he groaned out of pure frustration, wanting so badly for someone to tell him he was gonna be okay. Usually that person was you, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for your support. Not when it was you he’d be talking about. Not when it’s you he’s desperately pining after.

— He has to settle with accepting the fact that you’ll never love him. And that he may never be able to bring himself to confess to you. The thought alone makes him wanna break— but for the time being, there wasn’t much he could do.

— If only Nightowl could see. If only he could’ve seen the way your face fell when you joined the call only to find him absent. If only he realized that you’d only wanted to join in order to spend time with him. Perhaps if he saw the way your smile fell in his absence, the questions you asked regarding where he was and if he was okay— maybe then he’d know. He’d know that you loved him just as much as he loved you.

— You just didn’t know how to express that to him.

QUEST —

— Quest glanced at your icon, still offline. It wasn’t a shock or anything considering that you were working, but he so desperately wanted you to come online. You always brightened up his day every time you both talked and he always found himself like this. Waiting for you to come online so he could talk to you— ask you about your day, get your mind off of your many stresses of daily life. You always expressed so much appreciation to him for his help in comforting you, but he was more than happy to do so.

— He loved you and if his conversation, presence and company could help you destress— he’d drop everything in a heartbeat, fly out and spend an entire day with you if he could. But he never told you. Not yet, at least. He wasn’t entirely sure how you felt about him. For the most part, you’ve shown him kindness, always remained non-judgmental of others, and did everything you could to reciprocate the support he gave so freely to you.

— But you were like that with everyone. Your messages to all of your friends in the server were punctuated with hearts, filled with compliments and support. Was he special? Did you do something differently with him that you didn’t do with anyone else? If you did, he never noticed. Besides, what reason did you have to like him? He wasn’t exactly the best role model. He was an ex-felon, working some dead-end job. He didn’t have much of a social life outside of the server and if he wasn’t moderating the server or on call with you, he was working his ass off.

— What did he bring to the table that’d make him attractive in your eyes? You were genuine— a responsible, intelligent, loving and admirable person that deserved the absolute best. Could Quest really be that for you…? He highly doubted it. Usually he’d go for what he wanted— just directly say to you that he loved you and wanted to be with you— but he was afraid. What if he lost you?

— He already had something so special with you. An intimate bond— a close friendship. Was it really worth risking just to see if his romantic attraction was reciprocated? Would you really give him the time of day or even consider him as a partner? He had no clue. He wanted to keep a positive mindset and tell himself that it would be worth it— that any response would be better than never knowing if you felt the same. Anything would be better than finding out he had a chance, but didn’t take it. But he couldn’t. He typed it out countless times, but never quite got the courage to hit the send button. In every call with you— the words got caught in his throat. He just couldn’t.

— He knew that he’d eventually have to accept that he couldn’t confess. He couldn’t be with you. You didn’t feel the same adoration he did. One day he’d have to grow to be okay with that fact. No matter how much it hurt— no matter how much he wanted you to be his angel, as long as he couldn’t say the words, it’d never happen. With a sigh, he went offline. He didn’t want to think about it— he wanted to think of anything else.

— What he didn’t realize was that on your side of the screen, your face had fallen seeing him go offline just as you had gone online. You had been planning to ask him to call— a confession written on paper that you had been rehearsing for what felt like forever. You were finally going to tell him how much you adored his kindness and gentle nature— but he went offline before you could even ask. You sighed and folded up the paper.

— Oh well. Maybe it was a sign. The universe telling you that it wasn’t a good idea— wasn’t reciprocated. That wouldn’t stop you. Hopefully tomorrow would be better. Hopefully, you’d be able to tell Quest what you’ve been feeling for so long. And maybe if you were lucky, he’d accept with that same, warm smile you were so used to.

XYX —

— Xyx gave a small smirk and made a quiet comment before leaving the call with you. He let his facade fall and sighed, leaning back in his chair and covering his face. Did you notice him staring at you through the camera? Did you see the slight flush of his cheeks when you complimented him? Did you realize that he spent the entire call biting his tongue— holding back from letting all of his emotions spill?

— Next time, he told himself, next call— he’d definitely tell you how he felt. He’d sweep you off your feet and his desperate pining would be history. At least, that’s what he hoped for. That’s what he’d been longing for.

— He moved his hands from his face as he felt a familiar, fluffy weight in his lap and he looked at Cat. Their tail swished behind them, watching Xyx carefully as if they knew that he’d, once again, backed out from confessing to you. He rolled his eyes lightly and smiled.

— “Don’t look at me like that! I’ll… I’ll tell them soon. I swear it, Cat. I just…” He trailed off, a distant look in his eyes. The same question had been ringing in his mind for… who knows how long now. Since he first started liking you, maybe? The question of if you even felt the same or not. Yes, he could flirt all he wanted— keep up a suave disposition, but when it came to actually sitting down and talking to you about his deepest, genuine affections that he held for you? That was an entirely different story.

— You were the first person he opened up to. The first that he shared his intimate, dark thoughts with. You were the first one that he could truly be himself around. He could be upset, happy, pissed, depressed— it didn’t matter. You’d be there with a smile on your face, ready to listen, support, distract— whatever Xyx needed. He felt it was only natural that he fell in love with you. You were incredibly thoughtful and non-judgmental. He felt comfortable around you. He felt like he could be himself in your presence.

— He’d been planning on confessing for what felt like weeks now— but every time he came close, your eyes would meet through the screen and he’d slip up— letting out some last minute joke instead of the confession he wanted so desperately to give. He just couldn’t. Because what if you didn’t feel the same about him? What if the feeling wasn’t even the slightest bit mutual and you only viewed him in a platonic light?

— The thought terrified him because he cared so much for you. He knew that there was a chance you felt the same, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility of you feeling otherwise. He always flirted, but you simply flustered and brushed it off. You never reciprocated his flirtatious comments. Sure, you gave compliments of your own— but they were always sincere. Ones that made him stutter over his words— made heat rush to his face and always put a sheepish, slightly embarrassed smile on his face. But you complimented everyone. You gave your support and affections to the whole server— so what made him different from anyone else?

— It only fueled his fear that you didn’t like him back, which only caused him to further postpone his confession. He kept giving himself excuses— but he had no idea who he was trying to satisfy with his empty encouragement and sorry excuses. No one else heard them but himself, but perhaps he was just trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in an endless cycle of never confessing. He wanted to believe that yes— today wasn’t the right day, but he would do it. One day he would say exactly how he felt— tell you how much he wanted to kiss you, wanting to fly out and meet you just for that reason.

— But he knew it was circumstantial in nature. In truth, he’d made no progress these past few weeks— not any closer to a confession than he was before. He rested his head in his hands and sighed. Maybe he should just give up— he wasn’t the best choice in partner. He was an adrenaline junkie who sought a distraction the moment things got difficult. Someone who struggled to discuss his emotions— a person that built up the tallest walls to protect himself. You deserved better than that. That’s what he thought.

— Nevertheless, he’d still have to be honest with you one day. That way at least the rejection could be over with and he could accept that you’d never be anything more than a friend, even if he so badly wanted to be by your side.

— Little did he know, however, that you went straight into your private channel with Toasty after the call with Xyx— heading into a call with him and letting out another long sigh.

— “Let me guess, you chickened out again?” Toasty muttered and your face flushed and you nodded.

— “I’ll tell him one day! I just… feel like he’s hiding something from me, so I’m hesitant. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, yknow? Xyx isn’t the easiest to read. Even over call.” You muttered. Besides. He was attractive beyond belief and had quite the way with words. He could have anything he wanted and more. Sure, you cared for him and supported him— but you were probably nothing more than a friend to him.

— Right?

NAKEDTOASTER —

— Toasty gave a small smile, waving quietly at you as you leave his apartment, your things in tow. Another night spent together. He let out a long sigh as his face flushed— how could you call him cute and compliment his voice so casually? Did you have any idea just how much of an effect you had on him? He adored you. Some days he wondered how he hung out with you in a daily basis and kept it together— not breaking down completely in a furious blush. How had he not just lamented and told you just how much he loved you? How much he wanted to be yours.

— He’d fallen faster than he realized— not intending to fall in love, but somehow managing to without even noticing. It started rather simply. You two met up once the server censors had lightened. You had shown genuine interest in FFVIX and even started playing without needing Toasty to bother you about it constantly. You both started calling pretty frequently after that, and soon enough, it evolved into you coming over to his apartment so you could raid together.

— Some days, he just sat and rambled instead. Surprising to some, but not to you, that he just wanted to just talk as opposed to playing Final Fantasy. You both just sat together in his office as he talked your ear off about his troubles, nerves, bloonini— anything that interests him. Because he knows you’ll listen, regardless of the topic. If he needs comfort, however, you’ll both sit on his bed instead.

— You’re affectionate with close friends, so he would ask you to play with his hair— braid it, run your fingers through it, while he ranted about whatever troubled him that day. He finds a comfort in your warmth, feeling his previous stresses melt away at your touch. The first time you offered platonic physical affection to comfort him— that’s when he realized just how far he’d fallen for you. He’d been humming in content at the touch, glanced up at you and saw how you looked at him— and his face flushed. You worried, asking if he felt feverish— but he brushed it off. All that had happened was that he finally realized that he adored you. They wanted to be with you. Toasty wished he could be yours.

— However, he wasn’t the best when it came to picking up on how other people felt, so he had no idea how you felt towards him. He knew you were affectionate with all of your friends, supportive of all of the server members— was he special in any way? Did you reserve those soft expressions for all of your friends, or was it just him? He hoped that was the case. That those expressions were meant for him alone— meant only to express your own adoration for him. But he couldn’t get his hopes up— because in all honesty, he didn’t know. And that scared him.

— He so badly wanted to confess to you— return the compliments, tell you that he loved you. But he didn’t want to lose the bond you both had already— he didn’t want to make things awkward, or get the wrong idea and see something that wasn’t there. He wanted it to be mutual, though. He desperately wanted it to be. You were one of the few people to show genuine interest in his passions— listened to him rant— showed him complete honesty— and you were incredibly caring and supportive of him.

— Even so, he found it hard to believe that you’d ever like him. You were charming, attractive— you could find a much more suitable partner. One that didn’t stay up into the late hours of the night on some video game— one that didn’t call you in the early hours of dawn, asking you to come over and support them— one that could give you the attention you deserved. Toasty was often busy. He didn’t always have time to spend with you, but he tried his best. He just… felt like his best wasn’t enough. Perhaps you’d only ever see him as a close friend. Maybe you’d find someone more nurturing who’d make plenty of time for you— but it probably wouldn’t be him.

— He let out a soft sigh, glancing over at his computer monitor at the countless server messages and the pings from his friends. He logged off of the server before his eyes drifted to the gift he’d gotten you. He shoved it in one of his desk drawers before deciding to play FFXIV to distract himself from everything.

— He didn’t want to think about the fact that you’d probably find someone else. He didn’t want to address that one day, you wouldn’t come over and comfort him at the early hours of the morning— one day, you’d find someone to love. A life partner. And it wouldn’t be him. It wouldn’t be him even if he wanted it to be so badly.

— However, little did Toasty know that all of the pings— the messages in the server— would’ve told him exactly what he wanted to hear sooner. You had accidentally let it spill to Xyx that you were in love with Toasty, and the server troll decided to let that information loose in the general chat. Attempts to get Toasty online to read the conversation were fruitless and you told everyone not to mind it. You loved him, yes, but you never wanted to pressure him into anything.

— You figured that he probably saw the conversation, and just didn’t feel the same. That was fine with you. Even if it hurt, as long as you could support him as his close friend, you were fine if it didn’t evolve into anything more. But you still hoped that maybe you’d get lucky and he’d like you romantically, just how you liked him.

— Oh well. It was nothing but a passing daydream, anyway.

ONIONTHIEF —

— Onion sighed in frustration, hung up after the call he just had with you. You were everything he wanted in a partner. He wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for you— but he couldn’t bring himself to tell you about just how much he adored you. He didn’t know how you felt— how embarrassing would it be if you rejected him completely? If all of the signs he’d been seeing were nothing more than his mind playing tricks on him— just wishful thinking on his part— he’d never be able to face you again. He’d be far too embarrassed and his own pride would be too damaged to recover from something as humiliating as that.

— At the same time, though, what good would come from hiding it? What if he lost you to someone else? He wouldn’t blame anyone else if they had romantic interest in you. You were direct, intelligent, yet still kind-hearted and considerate of others. You let Onion talk about all of the achievements he was proud of— you actually cheered him on. No one else did that for him. Not only that, you never expected absolute perfection from him like everyone else in his life did— expecting nothing but the highest marks and stating that he should never struggle if he was so smart. But you… you never held him to that standard. You never held that sentiment.

— He thought it to be pity at first, but the more he talked to you— the closer you two got— he realized that it wasn’t pity. You never had any doubts in his ability. You knew he could succeed in whatever he set his mind to, but you just knew that even if he never admitted it, he struggled, too. And you thought that was completely okay. Struggling to motivate yourself, having trouble with a topic— getting a not so perfect score— you never judged him for any of it. You supported him, encouraged him— helped him in any way you could. Onion tried to convince himself that it didn’t affect him.

— Sure, you were the most considerate person he’s met. You actually made an effort to get to know him despite the dispositions the rest of the server held towards him. Despite how direct he was, how often he bickered with others and how rude he could come off— you never let that cloud your own personal judgement. You got to know him for yourself— and he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t anything special. He didn’t like you in any other way aside from platonic… right? Oh, who was he kidding? He wasn’t exactly convincing himself. If his rapid heartbeat, slight blush and desire to be by your side was anything to go on, he had been in love with you longer than he’d ever care to admit.

— He wanted to tell you— wanted you to be his. He’d tried on multiple occasions, but he was always immediately discouraged when he saw your kindness throughout the server— showing your warmth to everyone else, including him. Right, of course. He wasn’t special to you. He was just another one of your close friends— just like everyone else.

— It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Was he not enough? Was he too mean? If he was nicer and more welcoming like Nightowl— maybe if he were impartial like Quest, funny like Xyx— or even as successful as Toaster— maybe then you’d give him a chance. Maybe then you’d view him not as a friend, but as a romantic partner?

— He wanted a chance. He wanted to be what you wanted— but he was far too prideful to ask you about anything love related, lest you find out that he feels so much for you. He knew he was smart, had many achievements and successes of his own— but that was all surface level. Could he be the kind, gentle, affectionate partner he thought you wanted— the one he thought you deserved? He was unsure. Sure, he could easily outmatch anyone in intellect (or so he thought), but as much as he hated to admit it, when it came to love?

— Anyone in the server would he a better match for you. Everyone else had more confidence when it came to that. Onion wasn’t the type to get suitors at all— didn’t have people complimenting him or asking him out. People often didn’t look beyond his book smarts— figuring that with his stoic demeanor, that was his only redeemable trait. But you saw past that. You saw the Onion that worked tirelessly to take care of his family— the one who cared so much for those close to him, but didn’t know how to express it. The one who desperately wanted someone to cheer him on and tell him that he was doing good— and that was exactly what you did.

— He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to risk chasing you away with his feelings for you. Even so, would you even believe him if he said something so outlandish as “I love you?” Or would you laugh it off and assume that he’d be mean enough to play some cruel joke on you? He had no idea, and he didn’t intend to find out.

— So what if you fell in love with someone else? He couldn’t let it bother him, lest he let it tear him up from the inside. He’d have to just. Bite his tongue and keep it to himself even if he longed for your company. It was better this way. He couldn’t confess to you unless he was certain he could be the perfect partner. And as far as he could tell, he was the farthest from that standard as he could be. So he’d keep it to himself.

— Little did he know, though. That you were having a conversation with Nightowl and June— the two knew Onion the best out of everyone else and you questioned how you could tell if he liked you— if he’d push you away if you confessed. Would you lose him if he didn’t reciprocate? All questions they tried their best to answer for you— but it was useless.

— You felt entirely helpless, completely head over heels for Onion, but… you couldn’t read him. Sure, he spared you the time of day and was polite to you, let you talk about your own passions— but you assumed it was because you allowed him the space to do the same. You assumed it was merely out of courtesy, not any sort of affection or love for you.

— You sighed, your conversation leaving you with more questions, rather than answers. You glanced at Onion’s icon before deciding that perhaps it was best if you didn’t tell him.

— You couldn’t. You loved him too much to risk losing him to your own frivolous feelings.

//: JUNE —

— June smiles softly as she watches you type in the private channel that you both share. It was created initially for you both to make theories together, but it eventually turned into a little safe haven for you both. You talked bloomic, art, various fanbases— something that she was so glad to share with you. At first, you two were merely friends who wanted to talk strictly bloomic, but as time went on, it evolved into so much more for June.

— You truly got to know her in a way no one else in the server did. You knew of her perfectionist nature, supported her when she was being a harsh self critic— reassured her when she felt incompetent in comparison to others. You always told her that she never needed to compare because she was perfect the way she was. Talented, pretty, smart, compassionate and full of energy. What wasn’t there to like? June never got told those sorts of things much before, so every time you say it. Every word of reassurance— every affirmation makes her blush, stutter over her words and smile. It’s hard for her to be upset in your presence.

— For the most part, at least. It’s nice to get lost in the conversations you have in the private channel— but she has to remind herself that she’s unsure if her affections are mutual. She has to remind herself that you aren’t dating— she isn’t yours. She wasn’t even sure you felt that way— probably only seeing her as a friend. She wants to insist— criticize herself. Her mind screams at her and tells her it’s because she isn’t perfect— she isn’t good enough for you and you deserve so much more than she can give you.

— Yet, she reads back on your old messages, some she’s screenshotted for moments like these. It reminds her that you’ve always been transparent with her in telling her that she’s enough— more than enough for anyone she may have feelings for. She remembered that conversation— having asked you if she’d make a good girlfriend. You assured her that anyone would be lucky to have her. She was kind, creative, and thoughtful. If they couldn’t see that, you’d insist that they were blind. June’s heart filled with warmth at your words, but quickly she returned back to her thoughts.

— Had you known that she was talking about you? The amazing person who knew her for who she was— the one that made her excited to wake up every morning just so they could chat— the one that would make her heart skip a beat when they said her name— did you know it was you who she was referencing? She didn’t know. If you had known, maybe you didn’t feel the same and didn’t want to hurt her? But… if you didn’t know and she had said all that when you had feelings for her… were you deterred? Did you think she was talking about someone else?

— How could she be? No one else willingly delved into her interests, asked for her updates on her art and theories, checked in with her when she’s been gone for a bit, supported her when she was upset— she could go on and on. You’ve been a rock in her life: someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a person who she loved so truly and deeply.

— She wanted to tell you— to get it all off her chest, but she couldn’t lose you. You were too special. She wanted to ask for advice again— but how could she? You were the first person she went to to talk about her deeper emotions. Should she take the leap? Should she play it safe? She had so many questions— and no answers. She let out a soft sigh, glancing at your icon once more before typing out that she had to rest for the night, and that whatever you were typing would have to wait until the morning, unfortunately. She apologized before walking over to her bed and laying back, staring up at the ceiling.

— She can’t tell you. If you didn’t feel the same, she’d never be able to handle it. She loved you too much to go through the pain of having to lose you to her own emotions. That didn’t mean she was even a little happy about it, though. She let a few tears slip, glancing the artwork she’d made for you, but kept backing out of giving to you. Her as Xander, you as Lola. The insinuation clear in the pose and the affectionate expressions. It was for the best that she didn’t tell you. At least that was what she tried to tell herself.

— On the other side of the screen, you sighed, wishing June a good night after deleting the confession paragraph you’d been typing out. So much for an impulsive act of courage. You loved her, but you never seemed able to get a chance to tell her that. You were starting to get discouraged at the constant obstacles— logging off and heading to bed.

— You thought of June, how sweet she was and how much you’d grown to adore her. Maybe this was a sign that you should appreciate the friendship instead of seeking something more. Even if it was, it didn’t stop you from wanting so desperately to tell her— to scream to the rooftops that you were in love with June and wanted to ask her to be yours.

— Maybe luck would be on your side tomorrow. Hopefully.

#blooming panic #bloomic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic angst #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #blooming panic onionthief #blooming panic june #bp nightowl #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #bp onionthief #bp june #nightowl x reader #quest x reader #xyx x reader #toasty x reader #onionthief x reader #bp june x reader #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. lazy days in

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, nakedtoaster + bonus onionthief & june

tags ; domestic fluff, comfort no hurt, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; since I just wrote angst, I wanted to write fluff again! so more headcanons! this time with bonus Onion and June! also I finally joined the bloomic fan server! I mostly lurk, but feel free to say hello and bother me such! <3 enjoy the fluff!

NIGHTOWL —

— Lazy mornings in is Nightowl’s specialty— he doesn’t need a reason to justify just laying in bed with you and ordering food and enjoying each other’s company. Most mornings, if he doesn’t have to worry about working or school any time soon— he tries to convince you to just stay in bed with him. As much as you’d like do, you do still have to work some days.

— He whines about it every time.

— Though on your days off, you typically lament to his requests. Honestly, you probably wouldn’t be able to say no anyways. After all, it’s finally your day off! What’s stopping you from having a nice, relaxing day in with your ever-so loving boyfriend? Nothing, that’s what.

— Most of the time, if you didn’t stay up the night before, you’ll be awake the entire time while Nightowl snoozes away. He stays up late and he sleeps better with you at his side, so you just let him cuddle against you and you soothe him to sleep with soft kisses and cuddles. Once he’s asleep, you’ll go on your phone or read so he can get the rest that you know he desperately needs.

— While he’s asleep, you’ll usually order food so it’ll be there by the time he does decide to wake up. However, if you do try to leave bed on a lazy morning in with him for too long, he’ll, without fail, wake up and whine about it. Nightowl will up the dramatics, complain that he’s lonely and that you’ve abandoned him until you return to bed with him. Don’t even try to get any work done— he’ll never allow it.

— It is partially because he wants to be the center of your attention on the rare days you’re off work the same time he is, but mostly it’s because he knows that you’ll stress yourself out otherwise. He knows that even on your off days you want to try being productive even if you’ve earned a day off to relax. So he’s insistent that you don’t do a single lick of work. He hogs your attention and showers you in affection just like you do with him.

— Once your food arrives, you’ll both sit up and eat, engaging in quiet, yet intimate conversation. He’ll whisper soft compliments, try to pester you to let him take photos of you— just small, cute couple things. In moments like these, where you’re both just lazing around, not dressed up and looking a mess— Nightowl realizes just how much he adores every aspect of you. He could spend the whole day with you just talking the day away, cuddling and enjoying each other’s company.

— He honestly suggests it, and you agree. So your lazy morning turns into a lazy day spent together. And although neither of you is particularly productive that day— it’s still a day well spent because you both got to revel in mutual affections of one another. It was a much needed relaxing day for Nightowl, but especially for you. Because it showed to you that in his own way, your boyfriend really does look out for you in whatever way he can.

— And you love him for it.

QUEST —

— Having a lazy morning in is something that you’ll bring up as a suggestion to Quest. After all, given that he’s incredibly responsible, he’s used to getting up and being productive even if he has a day off. You, on the other hand, prefer to spend your days off relaxing. You’re worked to the bone— you deserved to laze about for a day. You thought Quest deserved the same treatment, too.

— He’s hesitant at first, but you manage to convince him with a few sweet words. You didn’t want to spend a lazy day in alone, and he worked hard all the time. He could afford to not have to think about those sorts of things for one day. He deserved one day to let go of his worries and just spend time properly relaxing. You’re overjoyed when he agrees and the first portion of time is spent in his embrace, enjoying his warmth and gentle touch.

— You fall asleep in his arms every night, but you usually wake up after he’s already left for work. It’s rare that you ever get to enjoy cuddling with him when you’re awake, so you take the time to indulge. Not many words are passed through you both, but your actions speak louder than any words need to. Gentle kisses, tracing shapes into each other’s skin, exchanging loving looks— Quest is glad that he agreed to your request.

— You’re both busy, but you still find plenty of time to spend together. Usually it’s going out on dates as opposed to just staying in, though. Quest is grateful that you convinced him though. He wasn’t sure why he was so hesitant in the first place. He was getting to indulge in affection and your presence in a way he typically never got the chance to do. He didn’t have to worry about his latest project for work— didn’t have to worry about getting any chores done— he could just. Look at you, listen to you, and be present in the moment with you.

— Though most of the morning in is quiet, you both do eventually exchange some small, intimate conversations. Whispers of “I love you” and “you look stunning” between you both. One of your favorite things to do is to listen to him talk for a little while you trace his tattoos with your fingertips. He shivers at the feeling and you laugh a bit in response. You’ve seen them plenty of times, but getting to admire the artwork up close was different. It was nice to see the detail up close.

— After a while, you both fall back into a comfortable silence, you resting atop Quest as he ran his hands along your back. He eventually gets an idea offers you a massage and you accept. He spends the next portion of time working knots out of your back while you lay there in bliss at the personal attention and careful touch that he shows you. He’s helping to relax you, just like you did for him.

— Eventually once it’s over, you both feel at ease— content with how the morning was spent. Then the morning comes to a close and you both finally get up so you can face the rest of the day. Quest was absolutely certain that you both would be doing this again. He wanted more opportunities to just. Focus on you and nothing else.

— It made him happy. Allowed himself to release his stress and honestly, somehow made him love you even more because he got to notice small quirks and details about how you act in the mornings that he didn’t before. All of it made his heart swell with joy.

— You were his angel and this time spent with you only made him fall for you even more.

XYX —

— Xyx is always the one to insist that you both spend the morning in together. While typically, he’d like to spend your free days seeking a rush of adrenaline, sometimes he simply wants to admire you. He wants to be able to hog your attention for just one day. Selfish, he knows, but with you as his partner he can’t help it.

— What really solidifies the plan for you is when Cat prances in, jumps on the bed and plants themself right on your legs. Xyx and you both laugh about it for a few moments and then you lament. Because if Cat insists… then who are you to deny a lazy day in?

— Xyx immediately ceases the opportunity to wrap his arms tightly around you from behind, peppering small kisses along your neck. Cat moves further up, sidling up right beside you and you smile, allowing Xyx to shower you in affection while you pet Cat. It’s a relaxing morning indeed, but the silence doesn’t always last too long. Soon enough, Xyx tugs your arm gently, urging you to face him. You do, and he smiles as he meets your eyes.

— You both start a quiet conversation. Xyx about work or about his latest raid with Toasty— you merely complain and rant about work. You both take turns talking and listening— something mutually appreciated between you two. Eventually the conversation trails into ideas Xyx has for the next crazy stunt you can both pull together— sky diving, zip lining— perhaps you can take a vacation together somewhere colder and participate in winter sports? You have to remind him that you have a job and he brushes it off— insisting that he could fully support and pamper you. You didn’t need a job, though he knew you wanted to work, so he didn’t push further.

— You both sit quietly as you exchange small act of affection, smiling at the warmth you both get from the kisses, hugs and touches that you give to one another. The silence is comforting to you both and you take a second to enjoy the intimacy. It’s rare that you’ll get such a sincere look of love from your boyfriend, and even for Xyx, seeing such a genuine loving expression on you is enough for him to forget any flirty remark he had in mind to break the silence. Not that he minded much.

— Soon enough, he gives a small, mischievous grin and you raise a brow in curiosity before he asks if you wanted to try your hand at tongue twisters again. You groan but you agree— after all. Xyx adores tongue twisters and you loved to see him talk about things he enjoyed. Plus, he always held such a fond expression when you attempted and inevitably stumbled over every damn twister he threw your way. He rested his hands on your hips, humming softly as he quickly spoke through another unfamiliar tongue twister before waiting in silence for you to repeat it back to him. You sighed, trying your best but immediately messing up and groaning in frustration.

— This repeats a few more times until Xyx is laughing his ass off and you’re incredibly flustered by his comments of how “you were adorable” and how it was another win for him. He placed a gentle kiss against your lips before smiling, thanking you for humoring him. You return the smile and nodded, stating that you loved spending time with him and that it was fun regardless.

— You both lay together after that and Xyx seems lost in his thoughts. You ask him what’s on his mind and he grins before simply responding that it’s you. You’re on his mind. Somehow, in just spending a simple morning in with you, he’s fallen in love all over again— taking notice to the way your eyes glow when you laugh— the way you look at him in a mix of awe and adoration at every tongue twister he spoke— the way you tried so hard just for him. He cared about you a great deal, and he felt grateful that you gave him the time of day. You were always so kind to him without being forceful or pushy— you loved him and distracted him when he wanted it.

— Eventually, Cat meows and that ends your lazy morning in as you both get up so you can feed the insistent feline. Xyx watches you walk off and sighs in content. God, he loved you so much that sometimes it scared him. He couldn’t wait to spend more mornings with you, lazily in bed and ignoring responsibility for a bit.

— He was sure it’d happen often. He was planning to spend the rest of his life with you, after all. You were everything he could’ve wanted and more in a partner. He was sure that he wanted to be by your side for the rest of his life.

NAKEDTOASTER —

— I’m gonna be 100% honest here. Lazy mornings usually aren’t a thing— it’s usually lazy afternoons. After all, Toasty doesn’t typically get to bed until it is morning, so when he inevitably wakes up, it’s sometime in the late morning or early afternoon. However, he’s always the one to suggest just lazing about for a bit before dedicating yourselves to the day ahead of you.

— Of course, he doesn’t work nearly as many hours as you do, so more often than not, he wakes up and you aren’t actually there— having already been at work for a few hours, but on your days off, it’s his first suggestion the moment he wakes up. Truthfully, it’s because he loves waking up to you still in his arms and by his side, so he likes to cherish the days that you’re still there by staying in bed with you.

— He likes to spend quality time with you, so a lazy afternoon is exactly what he wants when he wakes up. You always agree. After all, you’ll be awake and in bed for sometimes a few hours before Toasty wakes up— you enjoy being in his presence just as much when you’re able. Most of the time, you two will get a little extra sleep in before waking up and talking, laying next to one another.

— Typically, he’ll stare up at the ceiling while he rambles about FFXIV or something related to work— things that he knows he can talk about with you because you’re always genuinely interested in what he has to say. You’ll play with his hair quietly, watching him with a fond smile as he rambles. You always love to listen when it comes to him— you could listen to him go on and on for hours, so you keep your focus entirely on him. If he catches your gaze, he always loses his train of thought and gets flustered. How can he not when you look at him with such a deep adoration? It makes his heart flutter.

— When he gets too flustered to continue speaking, you’ll tease him a bit before laughing it off. You’ll pull him back into your embrace and continue to card your fingers through his hair gently, expressing to him that you can’t help it. You love to hear him talk about his passions— it’s attractive to see him so invested in the things that he participates in and works on. Seeing him happy makes you happy— it’s always been that way. You can’t help but stare because he’s always been interesting to listen to. Toasty melts under your words and touch every time. Then he hears you mumble “cute” under your breath and lets out a soft noise in opposition— one that you truly find endearing.

— After he’s discussed everything on his mind, or he’s completely lost track from being too flustered, you’ll just enjoy one another’s warmth and presence, or you’ll scroll through your phones and find videos to share.

— Alas, the server (more specifically, Xyx) eventually calls, and he has to get up to start his day and be productive. After all, he could never skip a raid— and he still has to try convincing you to practice more with him! Even so, lazy afternoons always make him incredibly happy.

— Because it’s a time where all he has to think about you. And that’s something he holds close to his heart.

ONIONTHIEF —

— Oh my god if you want hard to convince, Onion is the picture perfect definition of just that. Convincing him to have a lazy morning in with you is difficult beyond all hell. It is not easy.

— He finds the idea to be frivolous in nature. What good do you get from spending the morning being entirely unproductive when you could get so much done? He vehemently disagrees at first, but when you challenge him, ask him if he’s just too much a coward to try it, he laments. Partially because you challenged him, but also because he knows you won’t stop complaining otherwise. Maybe he does it because he likes you enough, too. You’ll never know, though.

— At first he’s adverse and cold— refusing to reciprocate any affection as a way to not encourage you to try getting him to do this again. You groan and mutter that he’s being difficult and you eventually just ask him to humor you. You worked your ass off and you finally got a day off to spend some quality time with him. Right now, you just wanted to spend quiet time in bed with him and enjoy his company— something you didn’t get to do often because of both of your busy schedules. Usually, you both woke up around the same time and were immediately up and out of bed, off to work or to study. When you went to bed, you usually fell asleep too soon to really enjoy his presence.

— When you explained your reasoning to him, he let out a sigh and agreed. He’s not the type to express affectionate desire out loud, so he’d never say it himself, but he did agree with you. He enjoyed your presence and your conversation. He wished he could spend more time with you by his side or in his arms, so he supposed that for once, he could indulge you— indulge himself, too. So he hesitantly pulls you into his arms and you smile, getting comfortable and nuzzling against his chest. He tenses before relaxing into the touch, rubbing your back gently as he watched you.

— For once, productivity and working wasn’t at the forefront of his mind. His focus was entirely on you, something he rarely allowed himself to do. He was glad that he was getting the chance, though. Seeing you relax and happy made his heart skip a beat. Someone like him— typically regarded as blunt, far too direct, and generally unpleasant to be around— was able to be everything that you needed in a boyfriend. Spending time like this with you was assuring you him. He always thought you’d find someone more worthwhile and warm— albeit less intelligent, but more pleasant company, but you never did. Because you loved him. You adored how direct he was, how easy he was to tease, his confidence— even if he was a little arrogant. You didn’t mind.

— You wanted him to be a nicer person, but you never tried to change the person he was at his core. You loved him for who he was. You just asked that he be a bit more considerate of others and he tried his best for your sake.

— Eventually you get up and Onion gives you a confused expression as you reach over to his side of the nightstand. He’s about to ask what you were doing before he sees you grab the book he’d been reading. You sat up, gesturing for him to lay on your lap. He gives you a skeptical glance before you roll your eyes and insist that he let you pamper him a bit, too. He agrees, and once he rests comfortably against you, you begin reading to him, picking up where he left off.

— Something about being read to— hearing your voice— one he adores so much, read something to him that he’d been so invested in, makes him happy. He cracks a small, rare smile and allows himself to relax, listening to your voice gladly as you read.

— Time flies. Onion even manages to fall asleep in your lap. You place the bookmark back between the pages before setting it aside and smiling down at him. When he eventually wakes up, he can’t find it in him to be upset, even if he wasted a good amount of time because time with you was time well spent, he thought.

— He actually enjoyed himself far more than expected. Maybe another lazy morning wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe, being assured through actions that you were his as he was yours, wasn’t as unproductive as he thought it to be.

JUNE —

— Honestly, you both never intended to have a lazy day in. It started off normally. You woke up before June did and you got up to make you both morning tea. You heated up a few pastries and once the tea finished brewing, you placed it on a tray and brought it to your girlfriend who was just now waking up. She gave a bright smile as you sat next to her in bed, placing the tray between you both as you poured a cup of tea for you both.

— She smiled, blowing the steam from her tea softly before sipping it. You both sat in silence before she hummed softly, leaning against you. She asked if you felt like doing anything today and you responded that you didn’t have anything in mind. She looked at you and suggested that you spent the morning in together and you happily agreed. After you finished your tea and pastries, you set the tray aside before getting back under the covers, getting comfortable with June once more.

— She curls up against your chest and you run your fingers through her hair. She looks up at you before she starts a steady conversation. Neither of you were tired, so starting a conversation was the next best step. She ranted— going on about her latest fan theory regarding bloomic, asking for your input. You obliged happily, loving listening to her theories. You loved seeing how her mind worked— getting to experience first hand how each of her theories are made. You got the pleasure of seeing her work through it, find evidence— piece things together that no one else would. It only made you adore June even more.

— June felt the same. Sometimes she felt like she could get carried away— rant too much or lose you in the occasional nonsensical ramble, but you never did anything that’d ever suggest that you were overwhelmed or annoyed by her. You always encouraged her further, listened to every rant, weighed in with your own opinions and helped her. It was something she once thought she’d never find in another— but she supposed that she got lucky in meeting you. Hell, you even woke her up every morning with a tray of fresh tea and pastries. She adored you. You treated her with a gentle kindness that made her feel warm and fuzzy. It was a feeling that she found herself happily getting used to.

— After she updates you on all of her latest fan theories, she’ll take a few moments to revel in your affections. Your presence will always be comforting to her. Getting to spend a morning in to enjoy your warmth, talk to you and worry about nothing else was entirely welcome to her. It was rare that you had the time to stay in, so it made her appreciate these moments even more. It was a time that you both got to focus on each other, make small, bloomic related inside jokes, and laugh together. She’d revel under the loving look you gave her and always returned the action. It was something that made her feel soft.

— Eventually, she’d sit up and pull out her drawing materials, giggling softly to herself as she drew you. You’d laugh, knowing exactly what she was doing, but humoring her nonetheless, watching her as she worked away at her drawing. June got to admire every little aspect and detail about you when she drew you. It made her happy to do so. Once she finished, she’d show you and you’d compliment her work, leaning against her as you praised her for the attention to detail.

— Afterwards, you’d both decide to watch a show, or a movie— or June would give you a dramatic reading of Bloomic. Either way, the day in that you spend together always proves to be fulfilling for you both. It solidifies the affections between you both and allows for intimacy that you don’t always get to enjoy with June. It’s always incredibly pleasant.

— And for June especially, it reminds her that she’s loved for who she is. You love her for her and would never ask her to change anything about herself. She’s perfect in your eyes, and spending comfortable time in with you like this helps her keep that in mind.

#blooming panic #blooming panic x reader #bloomic #blooming panic nightowl #blooming panic quest #blooming panic xyx #blooming panic toasty #blooming panic onionthief #blooming panic june #bp nightowl #bp quest #bp xyx #bp toasty #bp onionthief #bp june #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

I have a fanfic request!! How would Nightowl’s daily life and reactions be with a partner who is very nurturing and basically gives him the affection he never got as a kid? Like a partner who love to praise and compliment him, bake him things, take care of him when he’s sick, give him LOADS of hugs and kisses, etc ^ ^

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. nightowl & a nurturing partner

tags ; fluff, slight hurt/comfort, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; ahh hello anon! thank you for the request!! As a nightowl apologist myself, I found this to be a very cute idea! I hope the fluff suffices! Enjoy!! <3

— Nightowl knows that your supportive— when he met you on the server that much was obvious. However, at first he’s hesitant to meet you in person. Owl is incredibly affectionate— so he’s afraid that he may come off as overbearing and may be too much.

— He’s excited, of course— but he doesn’t know how you’ll react to his clinginess and affectionate nature in person. Would you be uncomfortable? Would he accidentally cross a boundary? He had no clue. As he awaited your arrival in his apartment, his leg bouncing with anxiety as he sat, he knew that he’d be prepared for whatever happened. You loved him for who he was. That was enough assurance from him.

— He heard you knock on the door and he shot up, rushing to the entrance to let you in. Upon opening the door, you leapt into his arms— throwing him completely off guard. He caught you and wrapped his arms around you tightly. Unexpected, but incredibly welcome. You begin to shower his face in feather light kisses and he laughs a bit.

— “What did I do to deserve this much love from you?” He questions. You merely smile at him, placing a hand gently on his cheek as you give him a look of pure love and adoration.

— “You exist. That’s enough of a reason to deserve love. Besides, I was excited to see you! I’ve wanted to shower you in affection since the day we met.” You insisted. That was the moment that Nightowl knew he had nothing to worry about. You were willing to give him as much love and physical touch as he wanted— as much as he needed.

— As your relationship progressed, you two eventually move in together. Daily life with you is an absolute dream for Nightowl. You pamper him and take care of him in a way that he’d never experienced before. You nurtured him, but never coddled him. You supported him, but never hesitated to give him your honest opinion when he asked for it. He often wondered how he got lucky enough to land you as his partner.

— You did so much for him. More often than not, he’d yawn as he woke up from a deep sleep, upset to not find you in bed, but the comforting smell on the air told him that you were cooking him breakfast as you did almost every morning. He’d call your name quietly— you’d respond, asking him to wait just a moment, then you’d walk in with breakfast on a tray and you’d set it in front of him. His heart melts every single time— it feels domestic and he finds comfort in that.

— While you both eat, you usually lean against him, or allow him to lean against you while you idly toy with his hair. Owl loves when you cook for him because it’s amazing every single time. After you both eat, he always sets the dishes aside and pulls you back into bed for a lazy morning. You sometimes protest just for fun, but you always lament and he loves it.

— Sometimes, he wakes up early enough to help you cook or bake whatever it is that you’re making for breakfast that morning. His favorite mornings are the ones when you wake up together and you kiss him gently, hug him tightly as he slowly rouses from sleep. Then you drag him out of bed so he can help you in the kitchen. You both always have so much fun together in these moments.

— You’ll put on music and hum softly as you move around the kitchen. Owl helps you mix, bake, cook— everything. Without fail though, he always makes a bit of a mess. It starts with a small flick of batter in your direction— and it turns into a mini fight using the ingredients in the kitchen, but it always ends with you both laughing together, enjoying the fun you both had. You’ll eat together, clean up and promptly shower before he inevitably drags you into bed again— playfully demanding affection as payment for helping you out with breakfast.

— He finds solace in your affection. While laying with him, you’ll rub his back gently with one hand and run your fingers through his hair with the other. He’ll have his arms wrapped around your waist, quietly enjoying your presence and leaning into your touch. Even after being with you for so long, he still needs the reminder that you’re really there. You aren’t leaving and you love him and have chosen to remain by his side. The physical touch from you serves as that reminder, so the fact that you’re so willing to indulge him makes his heart happy.

— He especially feels the affects of your willing affectionate nature when he gets sick. Some days, he gets unlucky and wakes up feeling uncomfortably warm. He always wakes up far too early when he’s sick— unable to sleep due to discomfort. He’ll feel how warm he is and know exactly what it is. Usually, he doesn’t want to wake you up, so Nightowl attempts to get up on his own so he can try stumbling to the kitchen to get himself water to try cooling down his body temperature— but he fails. You’ve always been a light sleeper.

— His shuffling slowly wakes you up and you sit up and ask him what’s wrong. He tries to brush it off, but you notice his flushed face and slight shakiness instantly. He whines softly in protest, but you brush your hand against his forehead and you insist that he lays down and lets you take care of him. He attempts to tell you that you don’t have to— but he gets the same response. Sure, you don’t have to. But you want to.

— He always appreciates how much you nurture him when he gets sick. No matter how early it is, you’ll get up to make sure he has medicine— water— food, anything. He typically sleeps the day away when he’s sick and in the few moments that he does wake up, he’ll always be pretty whiny, calling for you and asking you to stay by his side while he rests. You agree, allowing him to rest his head in your lap while you comfort him. He prefers this when he’s sick. Resting against you— feeling your presence. It’s comforting and the affection helps distract him from the pain and discomfort of being sick. No medicine or meal you make could compare to the bliss he feels from your touch.

— On top of the physical affection, he always gets incredibly flustered at the constant compliments and praise you give him. Of course, he’ll flirt back when he knows you’re being flirty about it, but the genuine compliments and genuine praise leave him speechless. When you see any of his drawings— architectural, fan art or otherwise, you always give such a warm smile and compliment his work.

— What he loves is that the compliments are never general— you always compliment him on the small details that people usually don’t notice and it makes his heart swell with joy that you realize the effort he’s gone through in every small detail he puts in. You notice and that makes him happy and makes him feel like his hard work is truly being recognized by someone. Every compliment you give always garners the same response from him— an affectionate kiss and a sheepish smile with the small question of “You noticed that?” Every time.

— Same goes for praise. If you praise him while he’s hard at work— studying, drawing, working on a project— he melts every time. Typically, if he’s seated at his desk and working, you’ll wrap your arms around him from behind and praise him gently for his hard work. He always has to take a moment to process and his face flushes with red. He’ll turn to face you, kiss you softly and thank you gently for your words. It motivates him to keep on going— helps with his procrastination problem. Moments of exchanged praise like this are always incredibly tender for you both. He’s not used to hearing someone tell him he’s doing a good job. At first— it took him a great amount of effort to not cry every time you praised him. To him, it shows that you’re on his side and that you value him highly. You notice his hard work even if he isn’t drowning himself in it.

— You show him that he doesn’t need to burn himself out to be deserving of praise— he doesn’t need to be perfect to be valued. It’s an unfamiliar feeling for Nightowl, but welcomed nonetheless.

— Times where the affection is most appreciated, though, is when Owl’s being rough on himself and reminiscing on his past. After particularly nasty fights with his mother, he always seeks you out for comfort.

— In times like these, he doesn’t want to speak. He’s scared that if he lets another word out, it’ll be interrupted by a sob and he wants to try holding it together.

— He never does, though. And that’s okay.

— You’ll hug him tightly, tracing shapes into his his back and shower him in gentle kisses as you whisper softly to him. You tell him that you’re there for him and that you always will be. You assure him that he’s enough. These affirmations always get Nightowl’s held back tears to spill. In those moments when he feels so unworthy and undeserving of your love, you show it to him the most. You give him the most support and affection in those moments. He asks you why every time— why you love him so much— why you indulge him so much.

— You smile warmly every time. A genuine, soft expression as you look at him and respond.

— “It’s because I love you and you deserve to be happy.”

#blooming panic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic nightowl #bloomic #bp nightowl #nightowl x reader #bp nightowl x reader #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. their last day on the motorway (xyx x reader)

tags ; heavy angst, reader death, hurt no comfort, sad ending, gender neutral reader

summary ; Xyx and (y/n) absolutely love going on late night rides together— after all, they keep each other out of trouble. They always have. However, after a particularly nasty fight ensues between the couple, (y/n) decides to go on a solo drive to cool off and gather their thoughts. Unbeknownst to Xyx or (y/n), fate has decided: they’ll never return home to each other. This ride would be (y/n)’s last.

author’s note ; please heed to the tags! this is depressing— but as one of the biggest angst enjoyers out there— I figured, what kind of writer would I be if I didn’t write absolutely heart-wrenching, awful bloomic angst? so here we are! I’ve given you fluff, now here is some angst! enjoy! <3

Xyx hummed quietly as he sat at his desk, reminiscing about his last ride with his dearest lover.

Driving a motorcycle had always been exhilarating for him. It was an unhealthy escapism that he utilized— one that he used to be rather reckless with. However, after meeting and subsequently falling in love with his current partner, it became less of an unhealthy coping mechanism. To him, motorcycling was now quality time spent with his lover. An activity where he could indulge in two things he cared for dearly— a time where he could release all of his worries and truly feel like it was (y/n) and him against the world.

They’d always take the longest paths— the furthest backroads. Rides with his lover could last for hours because they always took the most scenic route possible. They took the roads no one else would drive so they could speed up— get the rush of adrenaline they both loved— while still being safe about it. (y/n) always insisted on safety. They’d never agree to anything that could be dangerous to either one of them. Perhaps if Xyx was still the same person as he was before they met, he’d deflect their worry like he does with everyone else. He’d insist it’d be fine— but now it was different.

He trusted (y/n). He truly believed that they cared for him in the same way that he cared for them. Care was once something that was shown to Xyx as an obligation— not because anyone truly wanted to look out for him. His previous choice of friends hardly even allowed him to be upset— stating that he was always joking around. A class clown couldn’t feel upset— he wasn’t allowed to feel upset, but then he met (y/n). They showed him that they cared not because they had to but because they wanted to. They looked out for him— they helped him— they loved him in a way no one else did. (y/n) allowed him to be himself— whether that meant he would be joyous or otherwise. They loved every aspect of him— just as Xyx loved everything about them.

He always assumed that they’d be together forever, as cliche as that sounds, but it was true. Xyx found a soulmate in (y/n)— a sentiment that they both shared. He always knew that they’d spend the rest of their lives together— however long that may be. He had no intention of allowing anything to separate them or drive a wedge between them. They had couples spats occasionally— but usually it wasn’t anything too major that they couldn’t solve on their own.

Usually.

Today had been rough for them both. Xyx fucked up— he knew he did. When he consulted the server for extra advice— they told him all the same thing.

Let (y/n) cool off and prepare one solid apology. Xyx had done exactly that, but it didn’t stop him from being antsy. They’d been gone for an hour now.

Could he blame them though? The argument they had was… awful.

Xyx had arrived home from work, letting out a deep sigh. He glanced at the time— later than he wanted. 10:25pm. He kicked his shoes off at the door before walking into the house and freezing. The candles— flowers— his partner resting their head on their arms, dozing off at the dinner table.

Anniversary. And he’d completely forgotten. He winced quietly, noticing Cat at their feet, tail flicking and staring right through him, almost in a judgmental manner. He fucked up. He had no clue how he’d make it up to them.

He tried to be quiet so as to not wake them from their sleep, but it was useless— after all, (y/n) wasn’t asleep to begin with. They let out a long sigh as they sat up and glanced over at him, an upset, almost disappointed expression on their face.

“Welcome home. Want me to reheat dinner for you?” They asked gently. It hurt Xyx more that they didn’t even address the obvious preparations. They completely disregarded the flowers, the candles— it hurt more because it felt like they had been expecting this. He couldn’t blame them. He’d been anything but supportive recently.

“I’m sorry, doll. I… I completely forgot— I can’t believe I let it slip my mind. Let me make it up to you? I promise I’ll do better.” He said softly. (y/n) shook their head before standing up and placing one of the plates in the microwave, not even sparing him a glance.

“It’s fine, Xyx. You never liked promises, anyways. Besides, I expected this to happen. I’m just disappointed, I guess. I thought you’d at least have it in your schedule. It’s been a whole year, after all.” They said, their voice cracking slightly. Xyx reached out to them, silently begging for the other to look at him.

“Please, love. Look at me. Why did you expect this to happen? Do you really think so little of me?” He questioned and (y/n) pulled their arm away and faced him, but didn’t meet his eyes. They inhaled deeply before sighing once more.

“Xyx. You’ve been distant. That’s why I expected it. Look— I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Cat was just in the hospital again— and they just got out. I assumed that you would be a little shaken up from that. That’s why I didn’t mind when you forgot my birthday. I mean hey, we were both scared for Cat, right?” They reasoned and bit their lip for a moment to hold back oncoming tears. Xyx scanned their features— remaining quiet to urge them to continue.

“But… When Cat did get sick, I had to visit the vet on my own. You just went off and drowned yourself in work or went and chased adrenaline without me like I wasn’t struggling, too. Cat’s back now! They’re doing better and you don’t seem to want to accept that— I’m starting to believe that you still don’t wanna accept that you care about Cat— about me. You forgot our anniversary. I thought it was important— but not as important as your escapism, right?” (y/n) muttered, their tone turning bitter as tears fell— they shook their head before hugging themself in a failed attempt to soothe themself as they turned away from him, taking a few idle steps.

The physical distance felt painful, but it was only a reflection of the emotional turmoil he’d been putting them through.

“Xyx I want to be there for you. But I can’t do anything when you push me away at the glimpse of any sort of tragedy or difficult situation. I see through the walls you put up when you actually talk to me. But when I hardly see you? When you run off to do something reckless the second you get home if you aren’t staying overtime? It doesn’t help that you don’t tell me what you’re up to, either. I can’t do anything and it feels awful. Do you not want my support? Is it not enough?” They asked quietly and in that moment, Xyx’s heart shattered because he knew.

They were right. He still hasn’t fully accepted that they truly cared for him and that he cared just as much. It was a scary thought— but to think that they blamed themself for his own insecurity? That felt horrible. But his escapism— it wasn’t— he wasn’t intentionally avoiding them— in fact they were all he thought about during those moments.

“Doll, of course not! Your support is more than enough. It’s always been enough. Even when I’m away, I think of you. You’re enough. I swear” He insisted as he reached out, placing his hands on their shoulders and pulling them in closer. They turned to face him and looked up, the upset clear in their expression.

“Then why didn’t you come to me? Why have you been avoiding me? I thought at least you’d care enough to show up for dinner so we could talk. You think of me, but can’t bear my physical presence? Why are you avoiding me so vehemently, Xyx?” They asked with teary eyes. Xyx opened his mouth to give a response, but realized he didn’t have one— biting his tongue as he felt his lover watch him— waiting for an answer. When they realized they weren’t getting one, they spoke again.

“Do you not trust me, Xyx? Do you not believe me when I say I care for you? Is that why?” (y/n) questioned. He finally met their eyes, holding eye contact for a moment before averting his gaze away guiltily.

“It’s not anything you did, I’m sorry. I promise it’s only me and my own fears.” He stated simply and (y/n) pulled away from him and walked away. Xyx followed, desperately attempting to keep up with them.

“You could’ve told me— you could’ve said anything to me, you know? You could’ve just admitted to me that you didn’t trust me just yet.” They insisted as they yanked on their leather jacket, grabbing their gloves off of their shared dresser.

“I couldn’t have— what good would it really have done, doll? Where are you going?” Xyx asked— his own frustrations building up along with his guilt. Why weren’t they listening to him? Why didn’t they just understand?

“I’m going out because I can’t stand to be here, Xyx! You don’t get it! If you told me, at least I would know that you cared enough to ease my worries! It’s better than having to feel like I’m forcing it out of you! Would you… would you have even told me if I didn’t force it out of you myself? You say it’s nothing that I’ve done— but I feel like it is because you haven’t bothered to say otherwise! I've been spending weeks wondering if you’ve hated me or if I’ve upset you because you hardly looked me in the eye at all.” They broke— their tears now freely falling down their cheeks for a few moments before they wiped them away furiously— grabbing their helmet as they headed towards the door— away from Xyx.

“I don’t hate you! I just didn’t want to burden you with that! And I… made you upset by hiding it.” He muttered, but his lover was now long ignoring him, pulling on their boots as they prepared to leave for the road.

“We can talk about it now! We can have the conversation, doll— please! We need to talk this out!” He insisted. (y/n) shot him a glare before grabbing their motorcycle keys.

“We can talk later. I’m pissed right now, Xyx. I can’t have that conversation when I’m this upset. I need to cool off— and so do you.” They insisted and Xyx snapped.

“Fine! But this is precisely why it’s hard for me to let others so close to me. This is why letting others care for me is entirely nonsensical! Never again, (y/n).” He muttered angrily. He heard a quiet huff from his partner and felt a quick kiss on his cheek.

“You don’t mean that. Eat. Take a bath. Cool off. I’ll be back and once I am, we can talk. Say what you will, even if I’m pissed, even I can admit that I still love you.” They said before pulling on their helmet and starting their motorcycle up before heading out into the dark of the night.

“I love you too… and I’m sorry.” Xyx muttered to himself as he watched them leave, heading back into the house to cool his head.

But that led to now. Xyx realized his fault in the situation. He should’ve communicated his troubles to his partner because he knew it’d always make him feel better. After the second scare with Cat— he should’ve been more reassured since they were supporting him, but instead— he was too scared to face his thoughts. Too scared to think about losing Cat that he had to fill his thoughts with anything but the situation.

And instead of indulging in his most attractive, loving partner, he fell back on bad habits. He knew he cared for Cat and long admitted that he cared for his lover— but with that came the fear of losing them both, something he felt he couldn’t express earlier. A thought that he needed to drown out completely. Though that was precisely what drove his partner out.

He was to blame, and he wanted to apologize to (y/n). But they still weren’t home.

Their phone went straight to voicemail every time. No texts, calls— nothing.

He was becoming increasingly worried. They never went this long without saying something. He knew that they told him to wait at home for their return— but it’s been far too long.

He hopped on his own motorcycle after gathering proper gear and drove out in the direction that he saw (y/n) take earlier.

He admired the view along the way. The beautiful stars framing the silver moon— the skies so dark that the trees were but a silhouette of black amongst the most scenic backdrop. He imagined that (y/n) cleared their thoughts, released all of their frustrations while looking at such a calming scene. As he rode, it was like he could see his lover in his peripheral— right alongside him, enjoying the view, gesturing him to pull over so they could take a photo.

Then after taking in the view, they’d hop right back on their motorcycle and race away and Xyx would speed up to catch them— a fun game of cat and mouse that got adrenaline pumping through them both on this empty motorway.

He distantly wondered, as he continued, if he’d be able to cheer (y/n) up by playing this game together again in the dead of night. To give them the quality time that he’d been neglecting.

However, as quickly as the thought came— it went as he was snapped out of his daydreams— flashes of blue and red, loud blaring sirens disturbing an otherwise peaceful night. The whole road was blocked off and Xyx slammed the breaks and screeched to a stop.

He glanced over the scene— his mindset immediately jumping to one more reminiscent of his workplace. An accident— a car and…

And a motorcycle.

His heart dropped, rushing to properly stop his motorcycle as he rushed to the edges of the scene. His chest tightened— the words “dead on impact” floating amongst the first responders. His whole world was teetering on the edge of a complete collapse as he neared the scene— and then he saw it.

(y/n). Lifeless on the pavement— confirmed further by the paramedic hovering over their lifeless body. Their body— covered in cuts and bruises— bloodied, but not beyond recognition. He could recognize them anywhere, but he so badly wanted to deny it— it wasn’t his lover, they promised they’d always be with him.

It couldn’t be (y/n). He couldn’t lose them. Because if he lost them— it’d mean having to face the most painful part of caring so deeply for someone.

Losing that person. Losing the one that you love most in the entire world.

He tried to get words out— tried to mutter their name— but all that he could manage was a quiet sob. An officer was by his side instantly, glancing over to the paramedic that held his lover’s phone, the two seeming to exchange a look and a nod in what he assumed to be a silent confirmation of his identity.

His knees felt weak and he collapsed. With him came the downfall of his world— of his entire life. His ears rang loudly, but despite that he heard the officer apologizing for his loss— explaining that his partner had been in a head-on collision with a drunk driver.

An accident they could’ve never survived. One that took them from the world instantly.

Xyx glanced once more over at his partner’s body and being closer now confirmed it. It was them.

He let out a loud sob— drowning out any words spoken to him as he keeled over, crying out his their name in desperation.

“Please don’t leave me! I didn’t mean it— I love you! I love you more than anything! Please come back! I can’t— I can’t do this without you, doll. Please.” His voice cracked and each sob shook him, tears streaming and dripping down his face.

They were gone, though. His cries were left unheard by the one person he wished could hear them. His lover— (y/n)— the light of his life, the one he could confide in— the one who he pushed away. They had been understanding— willing to sit and have a conversation with him despite the pain he caused them— they wanted to reconcile because all they cared for was that Xyx was happy.

But Xyx couldn’t hold onto that happiness— because it still slipped out from his fingertips when he needed it the absolute most.

Why had he fought with them? Why had he come home late— why didn’t he just talk to them about his troubles? He was scared of losing them— and if he had just admitted that, he wouldn’t be forced to face that fear at this moment.

There was no going back and it was his fault.

He sobbed. More than he had in his entire life. There was no bringing his lover back. He wish he’d gotten to tell them— tell them that his thrill seeking adventures had been nothing reckless— he wasn’t off on a ride— or out water skiing— or even doing meaningless tricks on his motorcycle— not at all.

The adrenaline pumping activity had been ring shopping. Because despite his fear centering around losing (y/n)— they remained ever present in his thoughts. Despite the fact that he had foolishly forgotten his own anniversary— he had only done so because he knew he wanted to spend countless more years with them. He forgot because he was busy planning to make a new anniversary for them both to celebrate.

But it was too late.

The ring sat heavy in his pocket. With it, sat the remnants of his crushed hope and his lost dreams.

They weren’t coming back. The person who was supposed to be his future fiancé was long gone.

And this lifetime was destined to be a lonesome one for Xyx. Because truthfully?

How else could he ever find someone to love as much as he loved (y/n)?

How could he bring himself to move on when he lost them so suddenly?

How could Xyx ever find anyone to replace his soulmate?

(y/n) spent their last day riding their troubles away. Taking in the beautiful scenery that Xyx himself had seen. Effectively— he walked himself through their final moments without realizing it.

At the very least, they died taking in the beautiful world around them. They died, hopefully with Xyx in mind.

Now, he could only hope that they passed knowing that Xyx didn’t hate them.

He loved them more than anything. He’d always love them more than he could ever express and his mistakes from the last weeks didn’t reflect how he truly felt. If anything, the ring he had been wanting to gift them was how he truly felt.

He only hoped that wherever they were, (y/n) knew.

That he loved them up until their final moment.

#blooming panic #blooming panic x reader #blooming panic xyx #xyx x reader #bp xyx #bloomic #bloomic angst #blooming panic angst #kaori-retired

[kaorisun]

I'll just go into my request! :) I'll have Jean Lisa and kaeya with s/o who is at their wedding! Now now it's not fluff time but suprise hahaha it's reader with their (spouse name) and all they can do is watch their love life kiss their future wife/husband! Yes a lot of angsty muhahahahahah

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❀ GENSHIN. you marry someone else

characters included ; jean, lisa, rosaria, kaeya, albedo, venti

tags ; angst, unrequited love, reader ends up with other canon characters, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; ah, your angst ideas never fail to amaze me! thank you for your request once more! I love getting good angst requests and this is honestly a lovely prompt. added more characters for fun! enjoy !!

✩ JEAN

— Jean took a deep breath as the music sounded throughout the cathedral. Was she truly ready for this? Would she be able to keep it together without objecting so vehemently when asked? She wasn’t entirely sure, but hell was she determined. You had been so incredibly excited when you told her everything— the proposal, wedding planning— everything. She wished for your happiness, but she had her reservations.

— Truthfully, she wished it was her waiting for your arrival at the end of the aisle. She wished that it was you two who were to be wedded today. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to be upset. It was her own fault for holding her tongue for so long— for not saying anything when you had been single. She waited instead of taking that leap and missed her chance entirely.

— She glanced up towards the end of the aisle where Eula stood. She noticed the nerves she had— Amber faithfully by her side attempting to calm her best friend. Jean felt remorseful at seeing her there, soon to be your wife. You, soon to be her beloved spouse with a lifetime ahead of you both.

— Soon enough, the music sounded and you walked through the doors, a warm smile on your face as you gave soft waves to your friends in the crowd. Jean met your eyes briefly and she forced a small smile of approval and a nod to give you the small sense of support you sought from her in that moment. You seemed to lighten up a bit and continued down the aisle, joining hands with Eula once you had arrived.

— Jean had muffled out the sounds of her sister officiating the union— she didn’t listen to your vows and exchanges of love. After all, how could she without breaking down? How could she manage without standing amongst all the guests and proclaiming her love— thus ruining the marriage entirely? She’d never forgive herself. You chose Eula and she knew she had to accept that.

— She looked back up just as you two exchanged a kiss, officiating your marriage. The crowd cheered, but Jean couldn’t bring herself to applaud it when today was anything but happy for her. She felt selfish, but it was true. She watched you walk out of the cathedral with Eula— your wedded and beloved wife, before leaving entirely to lock herself up in her office. You were happy. You had an entire lifetime of joy ahead of you. As much as Jean wanted to say that Eula wasn’t right for you— that her vengeful nature wasn’t good for someone as kind as you— she knew it wasn’t true.

— Eula fought for vengeance on your behalf. She gave you every moment of her time that she could— something that Jean couldn’t manage with her responsibilities. Eula gave you priority in her life and when Jean saw Eula talk about you, it was always with warmth and love— never anything else. When Eula came to her requesting time off for the wedding and honeymoon, she saw the absolute adoration in her eyes. Eula truly loved you and seeing you at the wedding— smiling and full of happiness— she knew it was mutual.

— Jean never stood a chance. And now she’ll never know what it’s like to be allowed in your warmth. You were married now, so she couldn’t even entertain the thought that you’d ever be hers and that you’d ever allow her to be yours in return.

✩ LISA

— Lisa let out a soft hum as she styled your hair quietly. Once she was finished, she placed her hands on your shoulders, noticing the slight shakiness of your hands. She laughed gently and shook her head.

— “Nervous? Don’t be, darling! It’s your wedding day. Amber loves you. Today will be perfect as long as I can help it.” She stated simply. You seemed to relax, whispering a small thank you before hugging her tightly and moving to get dressed. Lisa smiled and watched you walk off before letting her expression drop. She wish she hadn’t agreed to help you— but she was never able to say no to you, was she?

— She loved you. A deep adoration that she had never expressed to you. She had gotten many chances— long before you’d ever even met Amber— but she never did. After all, how could she confess to you when she was on borrowed time? Could she truly give you a life you deserved if hers would be cut off so short? It wasn’t fair to you, so she kept her mouth shut in the hopes that you’d never find out. Selfishly, she hoped that maybe you’d confess first and then she’d allow herself the indulgence— but that day never came.

— She should’ve expected you to find someone— you were incredibly loved, after all. She never would’ve imagined that it’d last for so long to the point that she’d have to watch you marry someone else. Perhaps it’s cruel, selfish, or rude to say— but she had always hoped that you would never find someone else so that even if you couldn’t be hers, at least you wouldn’t be anyone else’s, either. Though, it seemed that the universe always worked against her because here you were. Getting changed into your wedding attire— prepared to marry Amber and spend your life with the Outrider.

— Lisa wanted to curse Amber’s name for taking you— wanted to say that she could be better— wanted to steal you away, but she couldn’t. Amber was sweet, outgoing, and protective. She provided so much for you— entertainment, love and support— but most importantly, she could spend a lifetime with you, and she wanted to. Amber wanted to be by your side and wished to remain there for as long as you both lived. Lisa couldn’t argue with that sort of devotion, but now she was stuck. Destined to be by your side, waiting with you at the aisle as Amber walked down, symbolizing the end of any chance she was to have with you. Though, she never would’ve allowed herself a chance anyway.

— Once dressed, she walked with you to the cathedral and waited with you at the end of the aisle and then time flew— music started, Amber walked down the aisle and took your hands— you both exchanged vows— but time finally froze when she saw you both kiss. Her heart shattered and she felt like she had experienced a great loss. She’d always been great at masking those emotions, though, so she forced a smile and applauded as you walked out of the cathedral with your wife, Amber, hand in hand.

— All Lisa could do was watch as you became further and further away from her— soon completely out of reach. Either way, Lisa would have to live with always wondering what could’ve been— what she could’ve had if she had just confessed instead of waiting for so long.

✩ ROSARIA

— Rosaria is completely restless. She’s stood at the end of the aisle, but she’d rather be anywhere else. How will she manage watching you walk down the aisle when it’s not her you’re walking to? No, of course not. She’s merely the officiant— here to marry off the love of her life to their wife. Alas, it was a request she couldn’t deny. Not when you had gone through the trouble of specifically asking for her. You wanted her, your best friend, to officiate your marriage. She agreed only because of her deep, undying affection for you— but perhaps that was the exact reason she should’ve refused— came up with an excuse that she was busy and pass the task on to Barbara— but she was selfish.

— She wanted to see you in your wedding attire. She wanted to see how phenomenal you looked because it’d allow her a moment of warmth she was never able to find in anyone else. She didn’t want to give you an excuse because she wanted to be here. No matter how much it hurt, she couldn’t miss it. It was because she loved you. She knew that seeing you happy would make her feel warm even if it wasn’t her making you happy. Besides, how could she be upset when your soon to be wife was perhaps one of the nicest people she’s ever met?

— Sucrose. She’d seen her in passing, but officially met her once you two had started dating. Time seemed to fly by— and now here you were. Preparing to get married to her. The alchemist was waiting at the end of the aisle, nervously rolling on the balls of her feet. Rosaria always thought you’d find someone with more bite in them. She was apprehensive at first, but when she saw you both interact, it made sense. You were both fighters, just in entirely different ways. Perhaps that was why you admired Sucrose so much. She was a fighter in her own way— not needing to put up a cold front like Rosaria did.

— Maybe that’s why Rosaria didn’t catch your attention. Perhaps she made it far too difficult to tell that she liked you in the first place whereas Sucrose was easy to read and openly emotional. It made her wonder what could’ve been if she had been more open with you— if she had shown you the warmth that you made her feel, would you be walking to her down the aisle instead?

— She knew it was nonsense. You were never hers to begin with. She knew that the moment she saw you walk down the aisle. Your eyes immediately landed on Sucrose and gave a smile that expressed the unconditional love you had for her. A smile that was entirely foreign to Rosaria. She didn’t know what it was like to lay next to you, to kiss you, to embrace you— or even to be your shoulder to cry on. She was never given the privilege. She was always to be your best friend. Second only to the love of your life. A title she longed for, but would never obtain.

— When you took Sucrose’s hands, she gave you a slight smile of assurance as she read out, officiating your union. She gave you a moment to read your vows and when asked for objection, the silence was telling. She wanted to badly to object, but it was a betrayal to you and your happiness. Something even she could never forgive. So she continued, stepping to the side when you and Sucrose shared your first kiss as wedded spouses. She felt her smile fall and she clapped slowly.

— She glanced at all of the cheering faces and warm smiles from yours and Sucrose’s mixed friends among the crowd— they all looked so happy for you. Why couldn’t she be happy for you? Why couldn’t she bring herself to smile at the happiest moment in your life?

— Why could she only bring herself to wonder what it would be like to be in Sucrose’s place? What it would’ve been like if she had professed her love so long ago? It was but a distant daydream now. You’d never be hers. You never were hers. It was always destined to be but a daydream. And as she watched you walk away with Sucrose, a bright expression on your face, she knew.

— Even if she had told you, she never stood a chance to begin with.

✩ KAEYA

— Kaeya sat quietly in the front row of the arranged seating. The wedding was set in the Dawn Winery. It was fitting, yet brought back so many memories. This ceremony would act as another bittersweet memory he had of this place. After all, you were marrying his brother— Diluc. He had organized and planned for the wedding to be in the winery. Kaeya saw it as some cruel twist of fate. Of all people— his brother? He fell in love with you and you fell for Diluc.

— He wasn’t angry. How could he be? His brother and his best friend found happiness in each other. You had even helped him reconcile with Diluc once you had been dating him for a long time. Even so, it only made things worse. At least when he and Diluc were at odds, he could give himself an excuse to be angry at the redhead for abandoning him. He could have an excuse to be mad that Diluc stole you away— but they had rekindled their sibling bond. His anger was entirely displaced with nowhere to direct it except himself.

— In all honestly, he was incredibly angry with himself. He wanted so desperately to confess his feelings for you— wanted to tell you that he’d loved you since the moment you gave him the time of day and spent time with him. However, before he could even manage the words to express how he felt, you had come to him— happily explaining that Diluc had asked you out. It was history from that moment forward. You both were a match carefully crafted by Celestia— at least it felt like that to Kaeya. You two got through everything together. You supported the pyro user through all of the pain of his past, and Diluc assisted you with all of your issues and problems. Kaeya couldn’t bring himself to confess after he saw how close you’d gotten. He couldn’t bring himself to hurt his brother again.

— But now? He wishes deep down that he had said something— anything. Because now you were walking down the aisle with Diluc, hand in hand as you made your way towards the front. Diluc had one of his rare smiles on his face as he held your hands and gazed lovingly at you. You showed him an equal amount of happiness. Kaeya felt his chest tighten. That look would never be directed towards him.

— He listened quietly to your vows to one another. Hearing his brother express such an adoration for someone should make him happy. He should be happy that his brother found happiness after losing so much— but he wasn’t. Kaeya wasn’t happy because he was in love with you. He wanted that same life with you— one that was now far out of reach. A life that would never be his. Despite it all, he kept up the act. When you and Diluc shared your kiss, officially ending the ceremony, he gave a bright smile and clapped joyously, whistling a bit at you both, earning a soft glare from Diluc and a small laugh from you.

— Then he saw you and Diluc both look at each other as you walked away hand in hand. In that moment, he accepted it. He’d never have you. Someone like him, a child of the Abyss, was never destined to have this sort of domestic happiness with you. He couldn’t provide for you or make you happy like Diluc could. He could never give you the love and attention you truly deserved— but Diluc could. His brother would treat you like royalty and spend the rest of his life treasuring you because he’s never been granted such a close partner before. Diluc would love and appreciate you and ways Kaeya could not because Diluc has lost all that he’s loved and this was the first time he’d finally allowed himself to love again.

— Kaeya could not take that away from Diluc, but in that realization, he knew that he could never have you as his own either. He knew that he could never tell you how he felt— but as long as you were happy. As long as Diluc was happy, he didn’t mind keeping it to himself. Even if it meant taking that secret to his grave.

✩ ALBEDO

— A wedding in the Winery was one thing, but to have so many new faces— faces that were completely foreign to him— it made Albedo realize just how little he knew about your love life and your social circle. It placed a distant feeling between himself and you. Despite all of the letters you exchanged with him— seeing the difference for himself in person was jarring. He still loved you, though. You were still you. No matter how different.

— You had left Mondstadt a while ago to fight in the Resistance all the way in Inazuma. In your letters, you described meeting a Mondstadt native in the land of electro. You detailed falling for the man, the eventual proposal and the planned wedding. Thoma— that was your future husband. Albedo recognized the name from passing conversations between Kaeya and Diluc. He was a childhood friend of theirs, and from what he gathered, an admirable man who’d treat you well. Even so, he couldn’t understand why he felt so bitter towards your future spouse.

— He remembered the day that he received that letter was right before he prepared to send out his next. A beautifully written paper wrapped with Mondstadt’s local blooms— containing a letter of confession to you. Albedo had thrown it in the desk drawer in his headquarters the moment he heard of your new relationship. Perhaps he’d have to wait. That’s what he thought— but your relationship with Thoma only grew stronger. “Later” had become ���too late” before he even realized it. Now, he was seated next to Klee as he and the other wedding guests awaited your arrival down the aisle. He was left to watch you marry someone else when he could’ve confessed.

— He could’ve proclaimed his love before you left— before Thoma even met you. He imagined you waiting restlessly for every one of his letters, imagined a tearful reunion when you eventually returned and perhaps even a shared embrace as he welcomed you home. However now, as he saw you gracefully pass through the aisle, he knew that would forever be but a vision of his imagination. You excitedly grabbed Thoma’s hands and looked at him. Thoma gave you a warm look, gently wiping your tears away. Albedo couldn’t do a thing about it. He couldn’t take that happiness away from you. You had fought in a war, and this man shared that heavy weight with you. He’d never understand and never could. He simply watched with a longing look on his face.

— Thoma was a soldier who’d fight for what was right. Albedo was a ticking time bomb— a potential enemy of his homeland. They were opposites. Thoma was a far better suitor. He knew how to support and love and take care of you. He had time for you— and was there through the changes you experienced at the fault of the war. He was by your side through every injury, fear and fight. Albedo wasn’t. He had to accept that.

— After exchanging your vows and exchanging rings, you and Thoma kissed before walking back down the aisle hand in hand as the other guests clapped and cheered. Albedo forced a small smile, but soon felt tears slip down his cheeks. Klee glanced up at him worriedly and tugged on his sleeve gently before asking why he was crying. Albedo only smiled, letting out a painfully forced, small laugh as he looked at her.

— “I’m crying because I’m happy for them, Klee. Nothing more.” He stated.

— If only she knew what a lie it was. If only his little sister knew how much he wished he was in Thoma’s place and how much loss he felt. Because he loved you more than anything. He only wish he had said as much to you before you had left all that time ago.

✩ VENTI

— Venti always told himself he’d never confess to you no matter how long he’d loved you for. No matter how much he wanted to, he’d never tell you how he felt. He always gave himself an excuse— you’d never date him if you found out he was Barbatos. You’d never be able to see past that— that’s what he claimed. Now he knew it was only a sorry excuse for his own cowardice. He should’ve never assumed— should’ve just taken the leap.

— Because now he was seated in a chair outside the Jade Chamber, the sunset bathing the floating building in a golden light— watching you marry Morax. There were countless individuals here to celebrate the union. Your many friends from all around Teyvat had been in attendance— and Zhongli’s closest confidants as well as the adepti had made the journey. Everyone here to celebrate the union between an archon and their beloved mortal. Venti should’ve figured. You were selfless, kind and understanding. You were easily able to overlook Zhongli’s status as an archon. He remembered when you told him— the disbelief he felt. The pain that came with it.

— You had told him that Zhongli was courting you and he had tried to exclaim that the man was an archon— tried to ask if you were absolutely certain about dating him— but you had merely laughed. It was that day that you told him that you knew. And that you had always known that Venti himself was an archon. It was shattering for him because he learned that he had a chance with you and that the excuse he’d been giving himself was a farce. Any day that he’d spent with you, he could’ve told you how he felt. He could’ve done it beneath the tree at Windrise before you left to Liyue. Before you met Zhongli and before you fell in love with him.

— He had even gone to the lengths of talking to Zhongli himself. Just to see— he needed to see how much strength your relationship had, but he knew he shouldn’t have bothered. Morax was never an archon to bother with relationships unless they held extreme importance to him. Courting you was just that. A top priority for him. He treasured you— valued you above everything else. Morax thought you were priceless. It was that day as well that he learned that you two had been together for longer than he initially realized— and that Zhongli planned to marry you.

— Venti knew the pain was visible on his face because then Morax proposed a contract. He promised Barbatos that he’d take care of you, support you and be there for you in every way imaginable. He swore to protect you with every fiber of his being. In return, Venti would put aside his feelings and honor the relationship. Venti laughed, but agreed. He would never break them up. He couldn’t even imagine it— but he did it for your sake. He wanted to ensure that Morax would treat you the absolute best.

— He regretted it, though. It locked away any chance he had to confess. Now bound by contract, he could not object to the wedding no matter how painful it was. However, as he watched you and Zhongli, bathed in the traditional crimson of a Liyue wedding, sharing an immense amount of happiness, he knew that nothing he said could’ve changed the outcome. You and Morax were made for one another. You always talked about him in such a loving, adoring way. Morax did the same for you. You both were happy. He couldn’t ask for anything more.

— However, a few tears did slip as he performed the song he wrote specially for you both. Every glance at you and Morax, joined at the hands, served as a painful reminder that he’d never be yours. That he could never tell you just how much he loved you. He was bound to stay silent.

— Not only would he be unable to tell you, he’d see you far less. You would move to Liyue to live with your husband. It felt like losing you all over again, but then again, he only had himself to blame.

— He was far too scared of losing you due to his feelings that he didn’t realize that he was losing you to another god. He was too worried that you’d revere him to realize that you were too kind to do such a thing.

— He was too worried that you wouldn’t love him back and all that did was allow someone else to catch your attention. It allowed someone else to fall for you instead. And in the end? He couldn’t be mad. He was an archon of freedom, but most importantly, he was your best friend. Watching you share intimacy with Zhongli should make him happy. And even if it didn’t— it was a secret he’d never tell.

#genshin fanfic #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin angst #genshin jean #genshin lisa #genshin rosaria #genshin kaeya #genshin albedo #genshin venti #jean gunnhildr x reader #genshin jean x reader #lisa minci x reader #genshin lisa x reader #rosaria x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya x reader #albedo x reader #albedo x gender neutral reader #venti x reader #genshin headcanons #kaori-writes #kaori-rqs