journalsandshit

[journalsandshit]

Preparation for the talk with Jack over break

I've been wanting to have a talk with you like this for a while, and I was actually planning to do it over Thanksgiving Break, but I just completely forgot, and when I realized after I got back I hoped that I wouldn't need to do it. Obviously that wasn't the case, though. I really didn't want to have to use some of our break time for this, but obviously we can't have this kind of conversation texting because every time I've tried you lose focus and the conversation ends before we can get anywhere and you never pick it back up, and we can't do it over the phone because, frankly, you never call, so we have to do it now. All I'm asking from you in this is to please listen to me and to really try to understand. You can interrupt and ask questions, say your piece, answer me, anything like that, and if something doesn't make sense or you feel like something isn't fair of me, please, please stop me and ask for clarification, because this is really important to me and it will literally all be for nothing if you don't understand or if you tune everything out because you feel like I'm attacking you or something.

"No one is ever going to love you like this."

I know that this sounds like a massive red flag but I promise you it's not I just don't know how else to phrase it. What I mean is that, no one is able to love you in the same way that I love you because the way that I feel about you is tied so strongly to the way that I've grown up and to the way that I was treated for essentially my entire childhood and adolescence. I think about this all the time because it feels like it can't be right, but I really do think that it's true; I think that you are the first real friend that I've ever had. I know I've said that before but I don't think that you understand the gravity of that. Like.. I literally think that I had never had a real, true friend before you. I had never had anyone who picked me and who actually wanted to spend time with and around me. I had never had anyone who I felt like I could be entirely myself around. You're never going to understand the true importance of that simply because you didn't have to live your entire childhood without ever having a single real friend, but I want you to at least try to understand how life changing it was to have met you given the rest of my life. So when I say that no one is ever going to love you like I love you, I mean that no one is ever going to meet you with the life experience that I've had, so, I think, that no one is going to be able to feel the type of love I feel for you, and especially not at this intensity.

In the same vein, as much as it sucks, you will never, ever care about me as much or the same way that I care about you. At first I really didn't want to believe that, but as time went by it got clearer and clearer to the point where ignoring it or pretending was doing me actual harm. I've come to terms with it now. I really hate it, and I probably always will, but I've accepted that you are just never going to feel that way about me, and I'm as okay with it as I think I can be. Of course, I wish it wasn't that way, but there's really nothing that I can do about it, and so I'm trying to just accept it and move forward. I think it's important for you to know, though, because I need you to consider how incredibly intensely your words and actions can impact me. In reality, I don't know how much you care about me. I don't think it's not at all, even though that is the way it feels a lot of the time (which is not necessarily your fault, it's just how I function), but I know it's not as much as I care about you, so it would be helpful for me, I think, if you could understand how vast the difference is and factor that into your actions, or lack thereof.

"I've been mourning our relationship since March." and “Saying ‘They don’t matter’ about the people you spent your summer with was incredibly unhelpful."

This is one that I know we've talked about before, but again, I don't think you understand the full gravity of it. When I met you, and in the first yearish of us knowing each other, I was the happiest I think I've ever been, despite all the fucking bullshit I had to put up with (Meghan drama, Carolina drama, Minecraft drama, Jack's a Rapist drama not once, not twice, but three times, etc, etc, etc, and that's not even counting volleyball and Chad and all the other shit in my life). Now, that's a very sad thing to confront on it's own but I'm not really concerned with that right now.

Around March of last year, something changed in you. I would love to know what it was, but I know that might never happen so moving on. At that time, you stopped hanging out with and talking to me pretty much altogether for about a week. You also stopped touching me and stopped interacting with me in the same way that you used to. We gradually worked our way back up but I don't think we have truly gotten back to where we were, and I'm not confident that we ever will. Shortly after that, you let Carolina bring Meghan back into your life, which, again, is a whole other issue that I have opinions on, so we can talk about that or not, but that was essentially the nail in the coffin for the school year. Before that, I could be pretty certain that I was going to pick you up from school or Coco or wherever and that we were going to spend at least part of the afternoon together every day, but after, I was lucky to get three or four hours a week with you. You spent all of your time with Carolina, Meghan, Alishba, and sometimes Luna, not one of whom you actually enjoyed being around whether you knew it or not. I stopped asking what the plan was after school because I knew what you were going to say and it physically hurt me. Hell, even my mom started asking me what was going on with us and if we had gotten into a fight or something, so, overall, that was a pretty shit time.

I held on, though, because I knew that summer vacation was coming, and, given that the year before had been the best summer of my life even with volleyball and Meghan and all that, I was sure that this summer would be amazing and that I would have plenty of time to be with you before I MOVED ACROSS THE GOD DAMNED COUNTRY. I was so, so wrong, though. You essentially never hung out with me, and when you did you acted like it was a last resort. You did things you knew I couldn't do every day. You would show up to my house high off your ass and just sleep for five hours and then leave to go get fucking high again. You would basically ignore me all day and you would hang out with people who didn't give a single shit about you all the time when I was begging you to want to see me. You would call in the middle of the night to tell me about some fucking idiotic thing you were doing and then hang up and not talk to me again for a day and a half. I spent way, way more of that summer than I would care to admit on the floor of my bedroom dry heaving because I had sobbed so much I was going to throw up.

At the end of the summer, I even started asking you to hang out. Do you know how alone and desperate I had to be to force myself to do that? The answer is, ridiculously, embarrassingly so.

I was prepared to lose some contact and closeness with you when you left for school. I was. I hated it, and I was scared, but I knew that it was inevitable and so I was preparing myself as far back as the start of last year. I had no idea, though, that that loss was going to start six fucking months before you moved. I was caught so off guard when all of the sudden we weren't what we used to be and I couldn't figure out what went wrong. It was terrifying and so hurtful and I literally don't think I will ever fully get over it because what you did to me that Spring and Summer was so far beyond cruel. So yeah, I've basically been heartbroken over us and you and how we were and are for ten whole fucking months when I was expecting maybe four or five tops, and when it really should have been none.

And then, the last time I tried to have a big serious conversation with you about this, right before you left for school, I said something along the lines of "I don't understand why you spent all this time with these people who, realistically, are going to mean nothing to you in a month or two, when I, a person who is supposed to be extremely important to you, am moving across the country and will be completely inaccessible to you." I'm not exactly sure how you answered that, but I know for certain that it included the phrase, "They don't matter," they being the "Summer people," for lack of a better term. I know, or at least I think, that that was supposed to be validating somehow, like saying that I did matter more than them to you, but, in reality, that hurt so, so much more than you could ever imagine. In that moment, no matter what you meant, you essentially said to me, "I know that these people are nothing compared to you, and I know that you wanted to see me, but I'd rather spend my time 'making memories' with people that don't matter than with you." Imagine for just a second how awful that made me feel. Your "making memories" thing has always been confusing to me, but in this moment it was painful and horrible and cruel and it hurt me so much more than I can even begin to express. And look! A few months later and I was right, those people don't matter to you, a few of them even actively hurt and betrayed you, and yet you have a summer full of memories with them and I have a summer full of literal grief and mourning because I didn't get to spend any time with the single most important person in my life.

“90% of my struggles with being in and at college have to do with the fact that I don’t have you anymore.”

Here's yet another incredibly embarrassing and sad thing to say, but it's true, so I'll say it. If I'm being completely honest, I'm fucking killing it at school. I show up to every class, I take notes, I do my homework, and I fucking ace my tests and papers, and on top of all that - I have a job that I go to every day and I get paid every other week. I'm doing amazing. But I don't feel like I'm doing amazing, literally only because you're not here. I miss you so much more than you could possibly comprehend, and I feel that pretty much every second of every day, no matter what else is happening. It's only gotten worse as the amount we talk to each other has gone down. Missing you has literally made it harder to do school/work because I feel actual, literal pain sometimes when it gets too bad. If I have a bad day or even a bad moment or something, it takes me way longer than it should to get over it because whatever I am feeling at the time gets worse when I remember all the sudden that I don't get to see you, or even talk to you, later. I know you can't fix this entirely, and I know that even if you could you wouldn't want to, and that's completely fine. I certainly don't expect you to transfer or more to New York or anything ridiculous like that just to make me feel better. I don't even want you to do that because, as much as I would love to get to see you every day, it's not what you want and it would never ever be fair to ask for it. You could, however, make this so, so much easier but just.. talking to me. You could literally just call more often, or text the way we used to, or have literally any regular contact with me, and I would feel better. It wouldn't fix the problem entirely, obviously, but there's no real way to do that anyway, so I mostly would like it if you just tried.

You make me a lot of promises that you don't even try to keep.

This one, I don't think we've ever actually talked about, but it's become really important to me, especially over the last few months. You told me that we would do certain things when we were apart with the specific intention of making me feel better about moving away and losing you. The big one was, of course, the letters, but there were others too. You told me that I had to move away because, if I didn't, we couldn't write fun letters back and forth and send each other packages. I think I knew when you said it that you wouldn't actually keep up with it, but I definitely didn't know that you would never even bother to send one. I've written you a few times at this point, and I want to do more, I literally constantly think about it and I've actually written way more letters than I've sent, but because you absolutely refuse to write me back, I've gotten to the point where, surprise surprise, I'm afraid that sending you mail is annoying you and is making you stop liking me!! Yay!!! I know for a fact that you have the time to write to me, so the oh so very logical conclusion that I've arrived at is that you don't because you hate me and you wish I would stop talking to you altogether. So yeah, that's the main one. Another one that I'm almost positive you don't remember is video calls. You had said, months ago, in the Spring, that you wanted to do a weekly/biweekly/we'd figure it out video call dedicated to designing patches for our jackets where we'd design them together and workshop them and once I had finished one I'd mail it to you. I thought you were joking at first because (as always) I kind of believe that you hate me, but you kept going and you said you were serious so I trusted you. Cut to now and that obviously never happened, and I really really wanted it to but, again, I didn't want to bring it up because I live in constant fear that you're going to decide that you're done and never speak to me if I annoy you too much.

There are small things too, like the Senior Sail, when you said you'd meet me and your stupid fucking girlfriend by the gyms and then just.. decided not to?? And then after we spent literally like 20 minutes calling you and texting you you finally decided to answer and tell us that you'd actually gone ahead and that we should hurry the fuck up and get there. And then?? when we did?? you didn't even apologize or seem at all sorry for what you did, as if it was at all okay. You just did what you always do, act all gross with your girlfriend and completely ignore me or my feelings. Then when it was over, like four minutes later because we missed the whole thing waiting for you, you decided to not leave with me as we had discussed in detail at lunch, but instead to go walk to Coco with Carolina because she threw a hissy fit and you're weak and don't really give a shit about me, and tell me that you'd call when you were ready. Guess what? You didn't call. So that was an altogether awful time. There was also the graduation presentation in the PAC, where, again, you were supposed to wait for me outside with your stupid bitch, but, as per usual, decided not to and just went inside and told me to find you in there. Did you think to save a seat? Of course not! I ended up sitting with Alex and you told me to bring her over with me as if (1) she didn't have friends of her own and (2) there was even a place for us to sit if I did. And then the same thing for the cap and gown pick up. Did you wait for me? Of course not! I know you probably think that these were stupid things to be upset over, and you definitely think these are stupid things to be upset over months later, but they really did hurt me. You constantly put me and the promises that you make to me last, and you never really bother to apologize for that or even to recognize that what your doing is unfair and hurtful.

[journalsandshit]

10/27/2023 - letter (retrospective from 03/31/2023)

dear jack,

i know you dont think about this or even remember it really, and i know that you never even considered how awful this was, or how unreasonable, but i feel like it is important for you to know that i still think about this every single day, and it still hurts and scares me every god damned time, even if youll never actually read this.

on march 29th of this year you asked - no, you told - me to give you all of my clothes back. it was a casual moment that didnt mean anything at all to you, but it quite literally changed my life for the worse. we were in my car, i was driving, and i was bringing you home. we were coming up on the intersection by the gas station and walgreens near your house, and, seemingly out of nowhere, you told me that you wanted your clothes back. its not like i couldve said no, so i said yes of course you could, and then i asked you why. i think about your answer at least two or three times a week.

you said that you wanted them back because "were not dating and its weird that [i] wear your clothes all of the time." those were your words, your exact words. i couldnt tell you at the time but that shattered me. everyone thought we were dating, we knew that, we didnt care, we even joked about it, i though we were comfortable enough in our relationship to not care about what other people thought. i guess i was wrong.

i fought tears the rest of the drive to your house. when you got out of the car and left i pulled out of the driveway and parked around the corner. i sat there stunned for probably close to ten minutes. then i drove home, crying the whole time.

when i got home i was the only one there. i went to my room and gathered up most of what was yours (i forgot the graceland jacket because it was hanging up in my closet.) and folded it into a pile. i checked to make sure my mom and tiernan werent pulling in yet and then brought them all out to my trunk. for some reason, i felt like them knowing what was going on would have made it so much worse. i know if my mom had found out she would have asked what was going on between us, if we had fought or something like that, and i know that i wouldnt have been able to stop myself from crying when i told her that i didnt know what happened and that you had just decided you waned everything back out of nowhere. so i didnt tell them. i was heartbroken, but i kept quiet about it all night.

i cried harder than i had in a long time that night, for hours and hours. i didnt sleep, i just laid there trying to figure out how the hell i was going to ask you what was going on.

i knew i had to ask because i couldnt keep living thinking i had done something wrong, but i was so afraid that you would give me an answer that only made it worse. i rehearsed my lines over and over again until i felt like i had a shot at saying them in a way that wouldnt give up how terrifying it was to ask. i settled on "hey, theyre your clothes so obviously you can have them back if you want them, but i was kinda wondering why all the sudden its an issue?" looking back, i think i should have been stronger than that because i was pretty sure i knew what was going on, but i was heartbroken and afraid so i did what i would. then i tried to figure out what i was going to wear the next day. i wore your jacket every single day for no real reason other than it was the most confrontable and i was more depressed then than i had been in months (better than im doing now but still very, very bad), and the more depressed i am the less i change up my outfits and the more i wear "safe" clothes that i know wont get me too much attention. i couldnt figure out if i was allowed to wear that jacket still, because we had decided that we were gonna permanently trade those, your shakespeare zip up for my green one. i decided to wear it, and tell you to bring "my" jacket when you came out to the car in the morning.

the next day, i woke up to a text from you that read "Hey can you put my clothes into a bag or something and bring them to school? I'd appreciate it thanks fr being cool about it." i answered that they were already in the car. tying that out hurt me a lot more than it should have, but reading your message broke something. not only did you want the clothes back but you wanted them bad enough to remind me, who never, ever forgot to do things that you asked, to bring them.

i got ready anyway and drove to your house. i sent the "omw" and "were out front" texts as usual, but i added another one that said to bring me my jacket because i was afraid that you saw me wearing yours you would get mad and tell me to give it to you and that i wouldnt have one without it. you waled out of your house without it, though, so i deleted the message and hoped that you wouldnt notice.

you got in and immediately asked where the clothes were. i told you they were in the trunk. when we got to school and left the car, you came to the trunk with me to get my bag and pointed out that graceland was missing. i said i was sorry and that id bring it next time i saw you. saying that hurt too, because i used to be able to say tomorrow and be confident that it would happen, now, though, i sometimes wouldnt see you all weekend or after school for a whole week. when we started walking in, i asked you why the way i had been practicing since i said bye to you the night before. i think i sounded more nervous than i had wanted to.

you said that carolina was uncomfortable with it. i said that i had figured but i waned to make sure. im still mad that i let you off that easily. carolinas a bitch, always has been, always will be. i should have asked why you were listening to her. i should have asked why you cared what she thought. i should have asked why she got so fucking insecure all of the sudden. why she decided to take that out on us instead of figuring it out with you. why she couldnt pull her fucking shit together and act like a god damned adult and realize that she cant have complete control over your friendships all the god damned time try as she fucking might. there are so many things i should have said, but i was afraid and weak and relieved to know that it wasnt you, even if you werent doing anything to help me.

i let the topic drop and we continued on, but i shouldnt have had to be okay with that answer, because it wasnt okay, it was weak and pathetic and i was so mad at you for letting that happen. i couldnt believe all the shit you would get so mad about while you just allowed my whole world to come crashing down because of you and your stupid fucking girlfriend. and i couldnt believe that you never even noticed how it affected me.

like.. i know its not normal for friends to share things and act the way that we do. (well, actually, its very normal, but its not normal with friendships that are between-what looks like-a boy and a girl.) i know that. but it was our normal. we had always been okay with that. and that you let other people, ESPECIALLY someone as dumb and entitled as carolina, get involved with us really pisses me off. it hurts like hell that you let her get in the middle of this just because she was insecure because you like to go fuck other girls and pretend it doesnt bother her.

a few weeks went by and i had adjusted. i wasnt happy, and every time i thought about it it got worse, but i had gotten to a point where it wasnt impacting my day to day so much that i was crying over it all the time. i still wore your jacket every day, though, because it was comfortable and i needed that comfort with everything else that was going on.

and then, just like that, carolina comes right back to make you make my life hell.

it was at lunch, she made some comment about how i wear your jacket too much. i said i liked it and it was comfy, plus no one even knows that its yours anyway, so it didnt really matter. you, instead of helping me or just staying the fuck out of it like you should have, decided that you should butt in and say "well you dont have to wear it every day" then your little bitch got such a proud look on her ugly fucking face (she is ugly, i dont know how you dont see it) and cuddles into you so hard i almost threw up.

i went to sculpture and just about lost my god damned mind thinking about how i shouldve just knocked her tf out (verbally or otherwise). i was so sick of having to play nice with that asshole just because you liked to fuck her

and then? guess what? i never wore the jacket to school again. not one time. i cant believe it. i let that fucking drama queen win. im so mad at myself for it, too. i cant believe i let her think shed won something because i didnt want to make your life harder. because that what it always was, wasnt it? i never said anything because i didnt want to make you have to defend me, or pick sides, or, god forbid, tell her to get her fucking shit together and act like a god damned grown up. your life needed to be a hell of a lot harder so you would finally see how much of an ass she was, but i was too nice and patient with you two and your bullshit, so you just got to coast and i had to suffer.

i know if i said this to you in real life youd probably completely ignore all the shit you did wrong and just justify her feelings even though youre not together anymore because you couldnt bear to comprehend the fact that you spend two and a half years of your life dating a completely moronic bitch who never actually liked you and probably ruined any future relationships you have along the way, so im just writing this here ig so that i can pretend that youd care a little bit if i told you.

those few months, february to may, were some of the worst of my life up until that point (it got so much worse over the summer but i had no idea that was coming yet), and a lot of that was completely your fault. in the past, ive blamed your girlfriend and her friends that you were dumb enough to let her keep around, but the more i think about it the more im realizing that it was literally all your fault. you could have told all of them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone at any time, but you didnt care enough to even see what was going on with me, so, now, im blaming you too. youll never see this so it doesnt matter, but i hope someday ill be able to tell you how awful this all was, and maybe, just maybe, youll actually apologize to me for how much you hurt me. i didnt deserve any of that and you put me through it over and over again because youre too weak to stand up to anyone and too self absorbed to realize that you pick really shit people to engage with. all of your friends and girlfriends are such assholes and you dont realize that and so i have to suffer and its not fucking fair and i wish so badly you knew how hurt i am so you could say that youre fucking sorry you did this to me even though i know damn well youre not a little bit sorry and youll probably blame everyone but the people responsible, me included

i wish you understood

bye

#10/27/2023 #letter #retrospective #03/31/2023 #jack

[journalsandshit]

08/06/2023 - letter

jack,

i feel like i got completely set up for failure this summer.

last summer, i had a very reliable, very consistent schedule. i woke up, went to sac camp, came home, took a shower, and, by 11 or 12, i was with you. we did that every single day. i can probably count on one hand the days that i didnt see you last summer. even on the days that were horrible bc of meghan, i had a not awful time bc i was with you. that was, by far, the best summer of my entire life

this school year fucking sucked for me, you know that. the second semester was extra bad, and it just kept getting worse and worse as the year kept going, but i held on because i knew that summer was coming and i wouldnt have to worry about school, or your girlfriends, or drama anymore. i knew that if i could just make it to summer that i would get to spend every day with you again and i could finally feel safe and happy

i was wrong

as soon as summer started you started ignoring me. you barely talked to me when i was away on my road trip and when i was at my orientation. i thought that when i came back from my trips youd want to see me but both times it took a couple of days for you to ask to see me. and when you did see me, it was off. you werent acting the same, it was somehow even worse than it had been during school.

you never wanted to hang out with me. we only ever saw each other for scheduled things (pride, fob), and you were weird the whole time. at fall out boy you spent a fuck ton of time texting your girlfriend and these knew friends you had made, and i had no idea how horrible that would become.

after the fall out boy concert i didnt see you for ten days. you literally just didnt text me or call me for ten fucking days and i spent all of that just fucking crying on the floor. then there was that whole thing with me being "too inconvenient" to see without my car. and when you did finally see me again it was just you showing up at my house with no warning and sleeping for like five hours.

you just keep going to shows and seeing these people who literally shouldnt matter. these people mean fucking nothing and i feel like i deserve so much better.

all summer youve been treating me like im just some time filler that doesnt matter, seeing me for a couple hours here and there and then not for days or weeks at a time. you only want to see me when you have nothing else going on but you always have other things going on and then you keep talking about all the things that you say we need to do and youre upset that we arent doing them but you never see me so its your fucking fault.

i know you want to "make memories" and shit but you literally are moving an hour and a half away and you can come home whenever you want to. youre already planning to come home for concerts and shit with these people all the time. I AM MOVING ALMOST TWO TOUDAND MILES AWAY. IT TAKES A PLANE TICKET TO GET ME TO YOU. SHOULDNT YOU KIND OF WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME BEFORE YOU CANT??

it feels selfish but i feel like you should be spending like.. every single fucking day with me before you cant anymore. but instead youre fucking around with all these other people and canceling our plans and ignoring me for days at a time and i dont know why youre doing this but its not fucking fair and i hate it and it hurts

i might come back and edit this later bc i just cant rn im so mad

#08/06/2023 #from old blog #letter #jack

[journalsandshit]

08/06/2023 - letter

dear jack,

i dont think you realize how awful it was for me when meghan was shoved back into our lives. i know what you didnt like it by any means, but youre weak and let yourself get pushed around so youre the only one to blame for how you were treated. i, on the other hand, absolutely did not deserve that, and there was nothing i could do to fix it. you could have fixed it, but you didnt, so ig thats another point in the you dont actually give a shit about me column.

it was super sudden, there was no way that either of us could have seen this coming, but it did, and it sucked.

your stupid girlfriend, little miss "two chances and then youre done" is, believe it or not, even weaker than you are, so ig i shouldnt have been surprised when she decided she wanted to be best friends with meghan again, but i was.

all of the sudden, she was hanging out with her after school (and forcing you to do the same despite your loud protest), and being there in the morning and in the hallways and taking you away at lunch.

it hurt how quickly you let this happen. you didnt seem to give a shit when you canceled our plans to hang out with this bitch who, not two weeks later, you had been complaining about ruining your life. you would call me and expect me to praise you for walking away from their porn book clubs because it was new for you to stand up for yourself i guess?? and the worst part is, i would praise you, because i was stupid and confused and scared of what was going on and i just wanted to talk to you.

it really hurt when you didnt give a shit when i stopped sitting with you in the mornings because she was always there. i had to sit outside or ms harris' classroom for half an hour day after day because you couldnt grow a fucking pair and tell her and your girlfriend to fuck off.

what hurt the most was when you started leaving me at lunch. you and carolina would just come and get food and then leave every single fucking day. you didnt give a shit if there was someone there for me to sit with, you never even asked if it was okay. you just left me there alone over and over again and i couldnt say anything because, again, i was so afraid to lose you even more than i already had. the lunches were what made me feel the most alone. you fucking laughed about it. you joked about how i was alone and how sad that was and how i was gonna cry about it, but guess what? i did. i did cry about it all the fucking time.

the worst day was that time when you didnt even bother to text me that you werent coming to the cafeteria. you know how afraid i am of losing you and how i am entirely convinced that you dont care about me. it took everything i had to not just cry in the middle of the fucking lunch room because i sat there and waited for you for twenty minutes before maddie saw and came over and asked where you were. you didnt even come to see me after, and i didnt have the strength to text and ask where you were because I AM AFRAID OF DRIVING YOU AWAY. i finally got to talk to you after fifth period and you literally had no idea that what you did was wrong. you said you had ink on your hands so you couldnt text me but im not a fucking idiot, that was just a plain fucking lie. you could have had your girlfriend text me about where you were if you really thought you couldnt, or, better fucking yet, you could have texted me your damn self the second you finished working because you ate lunch that day and i know you didnt have your hands full of printer when you did that. you could have texted me after lunch when you were going to precal, you could have texted me during precal, you could have come to see me at any fucking point but you didnt so i just waited and waited for you to prove me wrong and show me you cared about me. that day was when i realized for good that i really am just some person that doesnt matter to you. i was heartbroken and convinced that you had finally decided that you didnt want to put up with knowing me anymore. i truly believed that you were just never going to speak to me again, and you knew that, but you couldnt even be bothered to tell me why you had fucking ignored me for hours even though i was texting you over and over again hoping so hard for an answer.

that kind of shit kept going for a long time. every day i was ignored and then called on when you needed me. you ignored my pleading to just get rid of her for weeks, if not months, and then, when you two fucking morons decided that it was finally time to be done, you acted like i should be proud of you for deciding to do the thing id been telling you to do the whole time. AND I WAS. I WAS FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. AND I TOLD YOU THAT. i was such a fucking idiot that i was actually proud of you for doing the obvious thing after you had willfully and knowingly been hurting me for what felt like eternity.

and then you had the audacity to be mad at me when i didnt believe that you were really done with her. you were genuinely pissed off that i thought you would end up going to prom with her when, considering the past WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, you were gonna.

i just wish you had, on one single opportunity, shown me that you actually cared about how i felt, but you didnt, so now i dont know how im supposed to feel about you and about how you feel about me.

i wish you gave enough of a fuck to just listen to me about these things but you dont and i always end up being the most hurt, even though im the least to blame for the situation, which isnt fucking fair and i wish you would try to fix it but you dont and you never do.

#08/06/2023 #from old blog #letter #jack #meghan #carolina

[journalsandshit]

08/06/2023 - letter

jack,

i never got to talk to you about how this made me feel but ive been thinking a lot about it lately, so i guess now would be the time. i dont fully understand what happened but it hurt really bad and i think it might have changed us and our relationship forever, whether you realize it even happened or not.

on the sunday of the week before spring break, i had a conversation with you about carolina and about your relationship with her. that night you had a conversation with her that, admittedly, makes me feel sick to think about. i wrote about that conversation on 03/19/2023, and about some of the issues following, but this is gonna be a much more in depth analysis (?) of that.

following that conversation, in the week leading up to spring break, i did not get to hang out with you outside of school one single time. you were with her, and then with cam, and michelle, and trinity, and who the fuck knows who else. all i know was that you werent with me, and you werent talking to me, and you never told me why. i went home after sixth period. when i asked you what the plan was, you said "im not sure yet, ill let you know." but you never did let me know. so every day, for five days, a five days that i really needed you, i might add, i went home, and sat on the couch, and waited for you to ask for me. but you never did. i cried more in that one week than i had in months, and its only gotten worse after that. i knew i was leaving for most of spring break but it felt like you didnt care at all. if you had cared, you would have made time for me, but you didnt, so i was alone, all week, and i didnt know what i had done to make you hate me all the sudden. you didnt even have me bring you to school that week so i didnt get the one time when i knew i was garanteed to have you to myself without any of your idiotic relationships getting in the way. i was so alone and i thought that that was the worst it would be. i wish i had been right.

also around that time, you asked me to give you all of your clothes back. that was heartbreaking for me. you didnt tell me why and when i asked you just said that it was weird and that you wanted them back. i specifically remember that you used the word "weird" because thats what made it so painful. we arent dating, and we never have been, but weve shared clothes for the better part of a year at this point and weve always made jokes about how people think were dating all the time. weve never cared about what other people thought about our relationship. at least i thought we didnt, but clearly you did, or you let other peoples concerns (carolinas concerns) get to you enough that you werent comfortable with us being us anymore. i gave your clothes back and cried and asked what was happening with us, and you said nothing. you said we were okay, and i said i was sorry. but you know what? i shouldnt have to be sorry. i didnt do anything wrong, you did, and your stupid fucking girlfriend did, but i didnt and i still felt like i should be sorry for what i was doing "to" you. and then i asked, after agonizing over it for days, why you wanted the clothes back, and you confirmed what i thought, carolina said it was weird and that she wasnt comfortable with it.

that was, i think, the beginning of the end

the next week was spring break. i flew out to new york on saturday morning, and you called me while we were on the shuttle bus. i thought that that had meant that you were gonna talk to me like normal, but i was wrong.

that i whole week i texted you every day and i waited and waited for you to call, but you didnt. i needed you really badly then. i was stressed out and afraid bc i was spending so much time with my family and i was touring colleges and i felt so far away from you and i needed to know that you wouldnt forget about me when i moved up there. you, however, found new friends to replace me right away. you hung out with cam or carolina pretty much every day and didnt try to talk to me until it was too late to call bc i was in a shared hotel room with absolutely zero private space. i missed you so bad every day and it was so much worse knowing that not only had you just replaced the time that we spent together with other people, but also that, on some level, i had done that. i had started your whole "getting to know each other" bullshit with carolina and i forced myself to have to see you doing things together and "bonding" and i couldnt do anything about it bc i was two thousand miles away and you wouldnt ask to see me anyway because why should it be at all different from that horrible week before.

i saw you the day i came home, and i think the days after that, but something was wrong. you didnt touch me anymore, you didnt tell me you loved me, you barely stopped talking about how much fun you had had with your girlfriend and your other friends.

it was like that for a while. i was scared and alone and i needed you but i couldnt ask for you or even ask you what was going on bc i was so sad and afraid bc i had already clearly fucked up so bad.

then we went back to school and shit got so much worse, but i cant justify doing that here so ill tell you about that in another letter

#08/06/2023 #from old blog #letter #jack

[journalsandshit]

07/03/2023, 1:44 am - letter (transcribed)

Jack,

I need you so bad right now but we both know that I'm physically incapable of asking for you so I'm writing to you instead.

I've had a really bad day. Actually, I've had a really bad 5 days and counting. Today will be the sixth day in a row that I haven't seen you and I'm really struggling.

On the phone today you asked about my car and said that you miss me. I told you that I miss you too but that I don't have to have a car for us to see each other, and you said it was "so inconvenient." I knew you didn't love me as much as I love you. Or in the same way. I was okay with that. It hurts, but I know that the way I feel about you is probably more extreme than is healthy, so I was okay just knowing that you love me somehow. Now, though, I'm not so sure you love me at all. What the fuck so you mean it's too inconvenient for my mom to drive me to your goddamned house so we can spend some fucking time together for essentially the first time in months? This feels wrong. It feels like you don't care about me and even if it's not true, I feel like I've finally gotten confirmation on the fact that you've just been stringing me along and that you don't really want to be my friend after all. If you want to see me, if you really miss me, fucking ask! You know I would drop everything to see you because I love you and I need you, and I thought you at least wanted me back but now I'm not too sure about that.

You've spent the last 7 or so nights out with friends at concerts and random people's houses doing drugs and walking around at night with no plan whatsoever, and then when you get home, IF you get home, you sleep through the day and do it again that night. I text you all day, and send you Instagram posts and TikToks, and I'm lucky if I get a fucking heart on it a few days later at this point. Hell, the other day I spent all day texting you, waiting for you to wake up, and when you did, did you answer just one of the messages I'd sent? No, you announced to me that it had been a year since Technoblade died and then didn't say another word to me all day.

You say you miss me and today you asked me to go to your concerts with you when you know damn well I can't do that because my mom doesn't let me just fuck off into the night like your mom does and I can't go to events in groups because I get scared I'm gonna be left behind- and record shows that I fucking will be. I'm sick of being your third or fourth or fifth wheel and because of that it's almost impossible to do things with you.

And then - AND THEN - I see a post of you and your stupid fucking girlfriend at a show tonight. Did you ever think to tell me that? What if I had been allowed to go? Would you have just let me show up not knowing that one of the people I hate to be around most in the world would be there clinging to my only connection at the show all night? I know the answer, though. You would have, because you don't seem to comprehend how difficult this is for me so you just pull me along and expect me to be understanding and accepting of whatever the fuck you decide to do.

I have spent five days laying on my bedroom floor watching three videos at once while playing games just to keep myself from having to think. And when that shit didn't work anymore, and I did have to sit there and feel my fucking feelings, I just fucking cry. I lay on my side, on the floor, and I cry. I cry for you, I talk to you even though you're not there because I know that if you were I would feel safe, I would feel okay. I cry and I ask you to hold me for just one second and then I remember that you can't because I'm alone and I start to feel worse because what kind of idiot cries for a person that isn't there? What kind of fucking idiot begs the fucking air to hold them and tells it that they need it so badly and that they miss it so much? But I do. Those are the things I've been saying between sobs for almost a week now, and somehow, it never fails to make me feel more alone and more forgotten.

When I have the energy to force myself, I write to you like this. This started in therapy when my actual fucking therapist had me write you a letter about how scared I am to fuck us up. It doesn't make me feel better, in fact it makes me feel a lot worse, but it makes me feel like less of an idiot after and it helps me process what I'm thinking. I wish I could give you these letters, but I know I could never do that when I can't even tell you I want to see you even though I'm this desperate.

You said on the phone earlier that you think you could "fit [me] in on the 8th." I laughed because I thought it was a joke meant to say you'd see me soon but you didn't know when, but when you sent me all those concert ads and I saw that you were serious, I got really scared. We used to be a routine. I could bet that I would see you for at least a couple of hours every single day and I would never lose money. Now you're scheduling visits with me. I think, even scarier than the idea that you never really liked me all that much, is the idea that now I did something that made you like me less, and that's all I can think of to explain this.

I'm afraid that this is the best it will ever be again and that we've reached our peak and now we're on a slow, steady decline into never speaking to each other again. I'm 100% serious when I say that I think that would kill me. I think I would either kill myself, or let something else do the job if I found out we were really done, and knowing that is really scary.

You know what the most pathetic part is, though? I know that, chances are, when I do finally get to see you, that I'm not going to tell you any of this and it will never get better. I'll hug you when I see you, probably a little longer than normal, and then I'll pretend this never happened and that I haven't spent the last 5 days in a near constant state of terror and dread and despair over you.

I want to tell you so, so badly, but I don't know that I'll ever be able to, and I just wish you could understand why. I watched you, for months, in the stupidest, most fucked up, most taxing relationship known to man. When it ended, I watched you stay in a separate, still stupid, still fucked up, still toxic relationship. I've seen how you react, and I've seen what it does to you, and I'm terrified that if I tell you how I feel and how your actions are impacting me - even if I say it's not your fault - that you'll see me the way you see them, and I absolutely cannot handle that.

Please just let me see you. You're my safe place. You're literally everything to me in a way that I could never tell you, partly because I'm terrified of what you'd say and think, and partly because I'm nowhere close to really understanding it myself. I need you, and the way we are right now feels like shit. I miss you and the way you're behaving about it makes me feel like everyone was right and you really were just using me for my car this whole time. I feel so sick without you and I don't know what to do. I'm so scared and so lost and I just need to be with you so badly. I know you'll never read this, but I hope, when I do see you, I can get at least some of it across.

I love you so much. I love you so much and I'm losing it without you. Please, just - please...

I miss you

I need you

#07/03/2023 #from old blog #letter #jack

[journalsandshit]

06/29/2023 - letter (transcribed)

Dear Jack,

I miss you. I miss you so much and I need you and I don't know what to do right now.

Last summer, my mom told me over and over again that you, and your family, and both of your girlfriends were just using me for my car and my license. I told her over and over again that that wasn't true-but I never stopped thinking about it. I told myself that, if she was right, that you were still spending all of your time with me and that you had no reason to do that even with my car, but the more I thought about it the more I believed her. You wanted out of your house and I was pretty much the only person you knew that could drive. We spent every day away from home. In time, though, I managed to convince myself that I was right and that you wouldn't spend so much time with me if you didn't really like me and want to be around me. It wouldn't be worth it, even if I was your only way out.

Now, though, I'm not so sure. I haven't had a car in almost a month now and I feel like you want to see me less and less every week. We've only seen each other a couple of times, and you spend all of your time going out at night with other people. Then you sleep all day and do it again the next night, so I never get a chance to see you.

We used to spend all day together, be it in person, on the phone, or texting, but now we barely talk. I feel like you're pulling away, but I cant tell if that's true or if I'm just being paranoid, and its not like I can ask you because what the fuck are you going to say?? That yes, you don't want to know me anymore and that you've been pulling away and that I should leave you be? I know you wouldn't say that - you cant - you're essentially incapable of holding a firm boundary, and knowing that about you makes it so much harder to figure out what's going on.

I wish so badly that I knew how to say all this to you, because I know, or at least I think I know, that you would find some way to make me feel better, or at the very least to give me a moment of relief from the horrible, terrifying feelings that I cant get away from right now.

I miss you. I think about you all of the time. I hope I'm wrong about what's going on, but I don't think anything, even you, could convince me of that, so -for now- I hope you're thinking of me, and I hope you tell me that, and I hope I get to see you soon because seeing you and being with you is the only thing I can think of that will help me feel safe and okay right now.

I need you. I love you. Please help me

#06/29/2023 #letter #jack

[journalsandshit]

03/19/2023 - journal

the other day, i told jack about all of the issues with his relationship with carolina. i told him about how they dont love each other, and how their relationship is purely sexual, and how they dont even fucking know each other, theyre not even friends, and how she doesnt let him talk about his feelings, and how she never really comforts him, and how she makes everything about herself, and how he never seems happier after having been with her, and how they dont treat each other well, like they dont listen to one another and they dont care about each others comfort or boundaries and how they dont take those things into account, and how they seem to only be in the relationship to meet societal expectations of what they should be doing at this point as opposed to what they actually want.

i told him everything. everything. and i think i ruined it all by doing that.

he told her about our talk last night. then he sent her paragraphs upon paragraphs of "i love you"s and "i want to be best friends with you"s. he told her he wanted to do things with her like he and i do, and that he wants to have silly matching clothes with her, and that he wants to know her and to love her and to be with her in a way that meant something, not in a way thats just about their bodies and physicality.

i cried reading the screenshots he sent me. i want to be loved by him in a way that matters, but he wants that with her. he was so proud of their conversation and how they had decided to be together more and to do things together and to bond, and all i wanted to do was run away and never see them near each other ever again.

i didnt see him much the following week, but thats for another post. then i was away and every night, when he finally got around to texting me, he would tell me about the things that they had done together. they had a water balloon fight. they made pasta. they built a blanket fort with his siblings. they had fun and i wasnt there and i was jealous and homesick and having a really awful time and i needed him but he wasnt there and i was blaming them but i feel like its my fault.

if i had just not told him what i see in their relationship every day, maybe they wouldnt be trying to fix it now, and maybe i wouldnt feel so god damned alone. maybe he would have spent saturday with me like he said he would instead of at a fucking craw fish boil with her, and maybe i wouldntve felt so alone when i looked back at our texts from the day and the whole thing fit on less that half a page. hed called, sure, but only when his fucking girlfriend wasnt paying enough attention to him at the event that she brought him to that he had no reason at all to be at.

i wish i hadnt told him about their issues, i think it means that i wont see him as much. i think i forced him away by accidentally making him want to spend more time with her, and i think i ruined any time that we do have together because now all he wants to talk about is the fun things their doing together and the bonding theyre doing and everything i see or do makes me miss him and their fucking instagram is throwing it in my face all the time but i cant even unfollow them bc he would know and it would cause some huge issue.

im just so fucking tired of this and im so sorry i said anything. i really fucked up and theres nothing i can do and i would do anything to take it back but its too late now and im stuck in this hell of being ignored but not actually being ignored just not being paid as much attention to as i was used to and its my fucking fault and im so sorry and i miss him so much

#03/19/2023 #from old blog #journal #jack #carolina

[journalsandshit]

01/15/2023 - a list of the reasons that jack and meghans "relationship" was really fucking stupid

-apparently neither of them actually wanted to start a relationship and they talked each other into it like actual lunatics, which, who tf knows if thats true but allegedly thats what happened

-they fought from the beginning and even when i (and other people) told them how stupid this was they ignored it bc they thought that they knew best, and why the hell would they think that bc neither of them ever know best about literally anything but especially about this

-they disagreed on the terms of their "relationship" the whole time, and yet neither of them saw any problems with the fact that they couldnt even decide on what to call each other or if they could hold hands in public

-carolina (his ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND) hated meghan and wanted her out from the start, but he refused to break up with her, so that says shit about all of the relationships involved

-they tried to break up (or almost broke up) like fifteen actuall times in less than six months but they kept talking it out and getting back together even though nothing was ever solved, she would just come over and cry about how "she lovess himmm" and he fell for it and folded bc he has the moral backbone of a chocolate fucking eclair

#01/15/2023 #from old blog #list #jack #meghan #carolina #wip

[journalsandshit]

01/15/2023 - a list of all the ways that jack and meghans "relationship" made my life worse

-i had to chaperone their dates all the time so i always felt like i was third wheeling when i was just supposed to be hanging out with my "friends"

-i literally only had two friends (well i technically didnt like one of them but she was still kind of my friend bc we hung out all the time) and it made me see one as a bad person and later, once i had recovered from that, to see the other as a manipulative, annoying, idiot

-i felt left out of everything, my favorite thing was to go to the movie room with jack and watch shit for hours, but when we brought her they just laid on each other and were gross the whole time (he literally fingered her while i was maybe six feet from them at least once) and i was completely ignored and pushed to the side of the couch (or they would have their own couch and leave me alone on mine which idk if that was better or worse) and when they didnt ignore me it was mostly jokes about "oh l**** dyou wanna come cuddle too??" bullshit from jack which wasnt too harsh or anything, it was all in good fun, it just made me feel really alone bc like.. yes! yes i do wanna lay on you and cuddle like we do every single day, but it wasnt an invitation it was a joke and i felt so alone every day we had her with us all summer long but i couldnt say anything bc god forbid i have an opinion about something that impacts my life very fucking day

-it made my life so stressful bc i had to balance managing my own life and feelings about this fucked up situation with meghans and with jacks and sometimes with carolinas and it was really hard bc everyone wanted me on their side and all i knew was that i wanted it to be over so i could just spend time with jack without being angry and hurt all the time

-they were all over each other all the time, even when i was literally right there, and i was afraid to say anything bc it was two on one and i didnt want to cause any issues with my one real friend

-THEY HAD SEX IN MY GOD DAMNED CAR AND TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME EVEN THOUGH I TOLD THEM NOT TO

-im still afraid to tell jack about how i feel/ask for too much (too much = anything at all) bc he talks about how traumatized meghan left him and even though ik were not the same im scrared that im gonna start to remind him of her and that ill drive him away by being emotional or by thinking about myself from time to time

-carolina shoved meghan back into our lives and jack and i have never been the same. we arent bad per se, but were different. im afraid that we will never be as comfortable around each other as we were because she came back and he stopped touching me and telling me he loved me and that was scary because nothing about how i felt about him changed but it feels like something in him changed about me and he timing was just too perfect

#01/15/2023 #from old blog #list #jack #meghan #wip

[journalsandshit]

01/15/2023 - a list of reasons that jack and carolinas relationship absolutely does not work

-they arent friends.

-they never just sit and have a conversation. its always either sex or silence with them. theyre either laying on each other asleep or fucking, they dont bond and they never have

-they dont know each other (she has a list of everything about him that she should know after just spending a little bit of time with him, and she has to ask me for help picking out his gifts bc i (by her own admittance) know him better than her)

-the gifts that they get each other are so telling of how little they know/care about each other. he gets her stuffed animals and jewelry that he has to be told she would like by her "friends". she gets him copies of stuff ive already bought him/us so its already been test ran (chains, rings, shoes). they clearly dont know each others likes and dislikes which is like relationship 101

-they never solve their issues, they either ignore them until they go away or they fuck it out and then ignore them until they go away, and they both fully acknowledge that this is something that they do but they dont ever try to fix it

-shes an idiot, and hes very much not an idiot, so they cant relate to each other on anything. she literally almost didnt graduate bc she failed math so many times and hes going to school to study theoretical physics. and he refuses to acknowledge how dumb she is past a joke so they can never have a real conversation about anything of interest, especially anything hes interested in, and its all superficial nonsense

-her family refuses to include him properly (they wont speak english around him), and she refuses to speak up about this so he never wants to do anything involving her family. he complains about it endlessly but doesnt have enough self respect to tell her to straighten them out

-shes delusional and clearly thinks that theyre gonna get married even though theyre a shit couple and literally everyone thinks so, but he clearly thinks that shes just having fun when she says that shit so theyre not at all on the same page relationship wise

-shes a fucking bitch and thinks its cute. (eg. telling maddie how much prom tickets cost after i said over and over again not to and when i told her that that wasnt cute she just smiled and pretended that she hadnt heard me (and when i looked at jack and said "i hate your girlfriend" he said "me too" so.. that seems not great for them)) -

-she does those stupid fucking "death glare" eyes that she thinks are intimidating-even though she just looks like a moron when she does it-towards any girl woman that looks in the general direction of jack despite the fact that they very much do not want him. like.. she clearly does not do well with the fucking "oPeN reLaTiONsHiP" and just lies to him about liking it bc she wants to keep him but hes too stupid to realize that hes being lied to and hes too stupid to realize that hes too stupid to realize that hes being lied to so he wont listen to people that tell him whats actually going on.

-i have never, not even one time, seen him have some sort of relationship with someone other than carolina that didnt end in a fight between the two of them. she always throws a fit about how hes leaving her and shes not enough for him and hes forced to feel guilty about something that is fundamentally okay within the bounds of their relationship and has to comfort her about it even though he did nothing wrong. thats classic psychological abuse but he doesnt care bc he refuses to even consider that carolinas not happy because that would mean that hes doing something wrong and god knows thats just impossible

-they dont acknowledge or respect each others boundaries. he doesnt acknowledge her dislike of the relationship dynamic and therefore cannot respect it. she kept roping people (meghan and company) into his life again and continued to do so after he explicitly told her that he was uncomfortable with it and that he didnt want to be around her. they keep forcing each other into horrible situations because they cannot grasp that their boundaries are not compatible with each other

#01/15/2023 #from old blog #list #jack #carolina #wip

[journalsandshit]

01/05/2023 - a list of reasons that i hate meghan just in case i consider giving her another chance or jack asks for reasons again

-she didnt listen to me when i told her over and over again what would happen and then blamed and got mad at me when it went wrong, as if i didnt try over and over again to stop it

-she made everything about her all of the time and refused to see anyone elses side of the story bc she could be the only victim, and when i tried to voice how i felt she brushed it off and kept going about how she was in so much pain

-she kept telling jack about things i didnt want her to (the spoons thing, whether or not i was gonna go to homecoming) and never even apologized when i called her on it. she told him shit that id said in confidence over and over again no matter how many times i told her to stop and then insisted that she was just trying to make it easier for me to tell him things

-shes obsessive and refuses to separate herself from jack, even though (and probably because) she knows that its bad for her, for him, and for carolina (shes in the minecraft server and now the gym and theyre texting more). then she has the audacity to talk about how he wont leave her alone

-SHE HAD SEX WITH JACK AND CAROLINA IN MY CAR AFTER I SAID NO

-shes literally delusional (she legitimately expected to be allowed to post about jack on national boyfriend day and she truly believes that she and jack were in a real relationship and that he still wants her)

-she blames everyone else for her issues and when someone else tries to suggest something or help she freaks out

-she drags me into her bullshit all the time (saying "layla and i think" instead of just "i think" without even asking me and then i get in trouble for it, even when i in no way agree with her)

-she crosses lines all the time (befriending jacks family and siblings, telling them about their fucked up relationship, posting shit about jack that goes way beyond friend level shit) and refuses to see whats wrong with what shes done. then she gets pissed at people that point out that shes doing shit that it in no way acceptable

-she blamed me for pulling away as if she was putting any effort into our friendship. all she would talk about was jack and it was driving me insane so i did what i had to do and she got mad about it

-she refuses to take anyone elses feelings into account, like when jack wanted to stop "seeing" her for his mental health and sanity and she just told him he was being selfish and weak, but if anyone does that to her she throws a fit and acts like shes the only person that matters

-she continually inserts herself into places she doesnt belong (the "jacks a rapist" issue especially)

updates from months later (last edited 08/05/2023)

-she continually worms her way back into jacks life, despite him being very clear that he does not want that, and tried to cross boundaries via carolina all the time

-shes writing a fucking book about her fucking throuple as if thats anything that anyone would ever want

#01/05/2023 #from old blog #list #jack #meghan #carolina #wip

[journalsandshit]

12/15/2022 - journal

i know i should be happy for my brother. he just texted me saying that his ceramic piece is getting sent to a rodeo. the thing is, its breaking me that he just gets to waltz into art- the one thing that ive had for myself that people are impressed with me for, and be fucking amazing at it. he already has so much other shit. he has football, hes good at it and he plays every minute of every game and makes a team no matter how fucking lazy he is. ive been playing volleyball for eight god damned years and ive only ever been on the lowest team available to me. this year i didnt even get to play, i was a fucking bench warmer on the team that i started. hes wrestling now and everyones all impressed with that. later this year hell throw shot put and discus, another sport i never got to be good at that he excels in. i had come to accept that i was never gonna beat him at sports but i was okay with it because i had academics and arts. but now hes in high school and hes doing fucking great in all of his classes. hes complaining when he gets below an a while im crying over work just trying to get a passing grade. but even when i lost that, i was still the artist of the family. the one that made irreplaceable things that my mother was proud of and my father envied. but now, now hes in the same art class as me and hes going to competitions as a freshman that i couldnt have even dreamed of going to that early. i know its skewed bc of the school i was at and shit but i dont care. hes always thought that hes better than me and time and time again hes proved right. i should be proud and happy for him that he gets to do this but im just so, so mad that i had ONE thing left and now its gone. theres nothing special about me anymore. i dont have anything. i was so proud of my portfolio and i got a fucking three, and i know that wasnt my fault, other people that did better than i did got the same score, but that was a hard blow. and now my brother is showing me up in a fundamental art class. why cant i just have one thing that sets me apart from him. why cant i just be proud of myself without him coming along and saying or doing something that completely ruins it.

i fucking hate everything and i hate that i cant be happy for him and i hate that im mad at him for following in my footsteps and i hate that i care so much and i hate that im so jealous and i hate i hate i hate

update from months later: he fucking won. he got best in show in the most important competition in the state. and i got nothing. i couldnt even bring myself to go see his piece because of how angry and jealous i am. and im so sorry. im so sorry that i cant just be happy for him but every time he does something better than me im overwhelmed with this horrible need to scream about how unfair it is and i cant do that so i just cry alone at night and hope that maybe ill win something someday.

#12/15/2022 #from old blog #journal #tiernan

[journalsandshit]

12/05/2022

jack,

this isnt really stuff that i cant explain to you so i figured id say it here, maybe one day i can tell you, but for now i dont think it would go well.

i know that you talk all the time about how damaged you are from your relationships, especially from the whole meghan situation. you and carolina both talk about it a lot, and thats well within your rights, i know that it was (and still is) a really stressful situation that changed the way that you guys feel like you have to interact with the world and other people and each other.

now i think carolina is just being a fucking drama queen and pretending that she was damaged for attention but thats neither here nor there.

the real issue is that you act like this whole thing was just a walk in the fucking park for me.

when i met you, for the first time in a really, really long time, maybe for the first time ever, i had a friend. i honestly think that you may be my first real friend that ive ever had. we started hanging out and i was the happiest that id ever been, and i have you to thank for that. and then after a while we started hanging out with meghan. i knew her, so the strangers thing wasnt awkward, but im not a fucking moron. i could tell from the beginning that something was happening there but it wasnt that bad at first so i just let it go. over time though, it got worse and worse. it got harder to be around the two of you because i felt like i was always third wheeling, but i couldnt say anything bc i was afraid that if i asked you to stop hanging out with us at the same time or to just stop being gross around me that youd choose her and id lose you. that was really stressful bc i constantly felt like i was in the way when, and ik this is gonna sound really bad but idrc, i had you first god damn it!! we were in MY CAR and MY APARTMENT and I FELT LIKE I WAS THE ONE IN THE WAY. thats so fucking unfair you two had NO RIGHT to make me feel like i was the one in the wrong while YOU were the ones using me to essentially facilitate your dates all the fucking time. i love you but every single day i hated hanging out with you because you guys made me the outsider in my own fucking life.

then shit got bad, and i had to keep both of you calm all the time bc you were freaking out about losing your second girlfriend (and dont even get me STARTED on the two girlfriends thing) and meghan was freaking out bc carolina was attacking her and aLL sHE wAnTEd wAS tO bE hApPY and carolina for whatever reason decided that she wanted me on her side now so i had to talk to all of you about all of the others all the time when all i ever wanted to do was talk to you and spend time with you but all you ever wanted to do was talk about them. it was horrible for me and if im being honest i probably shouldve said something then but i was so fucking scared that something would happen if i stopped helping bc you made it out like i was some kind of miracle working therapist bc only i could explain things to you in a way you understood and i was the best at explaining to them so i was just passing messages back and forth over and over for months and all i wanted was for it to stop but i also needed it to keep going bc at least if you were fighting i got to be with you alone and you needed me and god it felt good to be needed for once

shit quieted down when summer started but it just went back to me having to spend time with her and i never wanted that but it made you happy. i told you so many times that i didnt want her in the movie room but you brought her there anyway and i was on the outs again, and i didnt wanna hang out at her work but you wanted it so we did and i was miserable every single day we spent with her but it was still the best summer of my life because i spent it with you. when you would fight it felt like the end of the school year again so this time i just tried to get you guys to end it but youre all so fucking stupid that you wouldnt do it so i stayed miserable every fucking day.

school started and we were all "friends" again and it was fine and i hated spending that much time with meghan and carolina but at least no one was yelling anymore. then you guys broke up and despite how much i hate meghan and how awful shes been to me since day one it was still so nice to have someone in my life that actually liked me and now ive lost this thing that i never even wanted but was forced to learn to rely on bc your relationship with her ruined it because i took your side because i love you

and

AND

i cant tell you any of this shit even though you probably want me to and you could probably help because you and your idiot girlfriend are so "traumatized" by this relationship that id been telling you to end since before it started. you talk about how meghan made you feel like everything you did was wrong bc she blamed you for shit and that she would manipulate you by talking about how you didnt give her enough time or you did shit with your girlfriend in front of her and i dont wanna make you feel the way that she did even though i had the same complaints but now that shes gone you feel like you guys can do that shit again and it makes me want to DIE. you and her just ignore me all the fucking time and i feel so gross while i sit across from you while you two kiss and cuddle and shit, but god forbid i say something and become the new meghan who just wants to sabotage your relationship bc i dont care about you or your feelings.

and then you have the audacity to ask me to do things with her in front of her even though you know i dont like her so i have to be the bad guy bc im done making myself uncomfortable so you two can have sex in the backseat. then she gets all pouty and mad at me but theres nothing i can do bc its not like i can just say "i really hate when you guys are near each other it makes me want to throw up" but thats how i feel so its my fault you two are sad.

i hope one day i can explain this to you, itd be great if you could break up with carolina and get some therapy so i could explain my feelings without being scared of sending you into a depressive episode.

i love you and im sorry, see you and your idiot girlfriend tomorrow

bye

#12/05/2022 #from old blog #letter #jack #carolina #meghan

[journalsandshit]

11/06/2022 - journal

today was like the most wonderful day ever.

jack called at like 8 in the morning and woke me up but he talked to me and was really sweet about it. then he was like "do you wanna go back to sleep or dyou wanna have a morning arc" and i said i wasnt gonna sleep more even tho i totally wouldve bc i wanted to see him so i went to pick him up.

i got him at like 825 and we went to shipleys and then back to the apartments but the movie room was locked so we went to chads apartment and watched hannibal on the couch together. chad was NOT happy that i had him there at like 930 in the morning but idrc bc its supposed to be my house too right??? so at like 10 we thought the movie room would be open so we went to check but it wasnt so we went to the car and just like.. drove around for a couple hours.

we went to this neighborhood that was superrrr weird bc jack wanted to walk on a bridge thing in a bayou/lake/pond thing. the whole vibe was so off like.. the house numbers were 2-95 and the grass was soooo soft and there were no fucking people and the noises, the fucking noises like why tf were they like thatttt. like it sounded like at disney worlds animal kingdom where they have those speakers playing noises but you cant hear them when you get far enough away. but anyway we walked on the bridge and then on like an island thingy and talked about the zombie apocalypse as we do. the plan is actually getting really good now, its kind of a shame theres not gonna be an apocalypse bc i lowkey wanna see if this shit would work.

then we went to mcdonalds bc he wanted a drink and drove around for a long ass time just.. planning our apocalypse and it was so so nice to just drive around and talk while he shifted gears for me lol.

then we went back to the movie room bc it was finallyyyyy open and we watched more hannibal and played golf for a while before it started to rain.

it rained superrr hard and we left our shit in the theater and stood and ran around in the rain. we walked around the path around the apartment complex pool which was soooo nice but we were fucking soaked so we got our shit from the movie room and walked back (IN THE RAINNN) to chads where we dried off. i changed and gave him my shirt and we prepped everything to run it down to the car. then we sat in the car for like an hour or so just golfing and watching tiktoks on his phone before we went back to mcdonalds to get him lunch.

we went to his house after that and played through an entire deck of cards against humanity which was amazinggg bc were like.. the same fucking person so half the time the cards were like.. almost the same. he absolutely destroyed me but i didnt care at all bc i had such a good time.

he called me later and talked with me about my surgery and how he would wait for me to wake up at my bedside if something went wrong ("you know if anything went wrong and then you were fine i would race to the hospital after school to sit with you and watch twilight by your bed until you wake up").

overall it was just a really amazing day and im so glad i got to spend it with him. i love him so much and it means so much to me that he actually wants to spend this much time with me.

#11/06/2022 #from old blog #journal #jack