jeeptime

[jeeptime]

IHNIWID 6/11/2019

Time passes more rapidly the less you engage in meaningful activities.  Uncle Jeep Tim’s time was passing quite rapidly.  Like Robin Williams in the 1996 movie Jack, Uncle Jeep Tim’s time seemed to be moving at four times the pace of everyone else’s.  

While walking the dogs one evening a flurry of wind kicked up, sending approximately eight thousand seven hundred and thirty three whirly-gigs pinwheeling end over end.  A muted cacophony of dried plant matter, stretched over helicopter frames, cascaded by Uncle Jeep Tim on what was sure to be the same route, on the same dog walk he took each and every evening. 

Time was suspended, all those lost moments from life’s continual acceleration into agedness slammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt at this exact and present moment. 

What would you do if you realized that you had access to every lost moment in your life?  Would you bat an eye if I told you that this week alone, sixteen minutes of your time has been spent on the toilet re-reading posts you have already seen on Facebook?  Would it surprise you that the original sixteen minutes spent reading said posts was also wasted time?

Uncle Jeep Tim looked at the sidewalk and saw half of a bird.  The thought echoed for eternity “but where is the rest of the bird”???

Time was frozen around Uncle Jeep Tim, an indescribable taste lingered on his taste buds; the stasis of time has a metallic tinge to it, not unlike thousand-year-old blood.  

There appeared to be fissures on the crust of the earth, an air of oppression emanated from within these “hot pockets”.  Like the heat waves seen radiating from hot tar on a summer day, these “heat waves” jagged between depravity and unbridled hedonistic rapture, jack-knifing up from the ruptured surface of the Earth.  

Things had taken a sincerely sinister twist as Uncle Jeep Tim became increasingly aware of the perilous nature of being perched on the pernicious precipice of time.  An alternate reality unveiled itself, stripped away, the cloak of time.  Uncle Jeep Tim was on a different plain of existence.  Far removed from day to day dog walks, his dogs had manifested in the form of two 8000 year long Ouroboros (Ourobori?) continually eating their own poop.  Perpetual machines that never stopped to ask themselves if they should, but simply are.

Uncle Jeep Tim was not alone on what used to be Falmouth street.  Little happy creatures burbling a stream of nonsense had replaced the whirlygigs that just moments prior were swirling past Uncle Jeep Tim’s ankles.  They flowed around him like a river going down a stream, the “street” was not so much a tarred surface any more but the substrate of every surface that has ever existed at this exact place and time compiled into an androgynous landscape sprawling before him.  Every surface was all possible elevations, every pock-marked path and every blade of grass and none of those things at the same time.

There was a certain beauty to be found in not being able to identify one single aspect of anything around him.  It was like being inside a computer algorithms interpretation of what it means to exist but someone forgot to punch in the quantifier of time. 

Even though there was no passage of time it appeared as though it was getting dark outside (”all of side”? For you see he was simultaneously inside of every structure that had ever existed in this space, while also occupying every outdoor space that had existed here as well).  The creatures seemed to have taken a much more marked execution of their meanderings and were all now coalescing into large undulating groups.  They didn’t seem as carefree anymore. They clearly had places to be. 

As the last of the creatures streamed by Uncle Jeep Tim, a deep thrumming began to emanate from the surface of the Earth.  It all happened so quickly he could barely register it as a subterranean creature surged forth from the fissure in the Earth and snatched up a meandering morsel and scarfed it down post-haste, before turning it’s alien eyes upon him. 

Was that too spoopy for poodums?  

That was just a really long way of saying Uncle Jeep Tim lives outside the confines of time and you’ll get an article when you get one.  

Tune in next WHENEVER for another exciting installment of “Uncle Jeep Tim surely stole part of this plot from H.G. Wells - The Time Machine and the other part must have come from the time his Mother’s dog Smidgen ate two pot cookies containing an eighth of weed”.

Don’t think you can wait 3, 6, Possibly even 12 months for the next installment?

DON’T WORRY I HAVE A SALVE FOR THAT.  

I mean seriously, I’m busy with other things now.  

Do you really want more content?  Here, check out my band, we are tentatively called 3piece4piece until someone challenges me on that shitty name. 

OR THIS SONG EVEN

Oh that’s not good enough?  Here’s some Uncle Jeep Tim Original Meme’s you Fart-knockers.  GOODNIGHT

Gorton Freeman in Gaff-Life

You seen all those Kyle Meme’s going around?  Uncle Jeep Tim flips the script.

Perhaps some beer based puns?

Work related meme?

Or maybe vulgarity is your thing

One things for certain, you can expect more of me on my bullshit.

<3

#Uncle Jeep Tim #Comedy #article #long format #Dog walk #Bonerpills #Fartsarestillfunny #i have no idea what i'm doing

[jeeptime]

IHNIWID 12/18/2018

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was Uncle Jeep Time.

The carriage was carrying precious cargo that evening as it crested bandits notch.  The horses whinnying under the added weight of Uncle Jeep Tim & his associates.  He had been on the road many days & many nights, moonlighting in small villages, hamlets, and roadside inns, like a ship at sea with many ports of call, but with no intention of reaching any sort of destination.

A man without a purpose, he had come unglued, looking for some meaning in an otherwise meaningless life.  Drowning his sorrows in whiskey and poorly outfitted rooms, how long was he to drift about the countryside with no direction?  Why was this what his life had become?

The beating of horse hooves rapidly approaching the carriage broke him from his loathsome reverie.  “WHAT SAY YOU, DON’T COME ANOTHER METER CLOSER, I OUGHT TO  BLAST YOUR CAP OFF WITH MY BLUNDERBUSS” Uncle Jeep Tim Screamed from atop the carriage bench.  Finger on the trigger, itching for some excitement in his life, he half-hoped it was a bandit.

“Tis but a courier” crowed one of Uncle Jeep Tim’s colleagues from within the cabin.  He had a better vantage point as he peered round the back with lantern glinting off the dusky trail behind them.  

“INNIT A LITTLE LATE FOR A COURIER OUT HERE” Bellowed Uncle Jeep Tim half choking on his own saliva.  The courier had dismounted his horse and was cautiously approaching with his hands up and outstretched with letter clearly visible.  

The courier was covered head to toe in mud & his horse was half-spent from being pushed to the breaking point.  Whatever was in this letter must have been of the utmost importance.  Someone was willing to risk a perfectly good courier & an even better horse to ensure this message was delivered post-haste.

Uncle Jeep Tim climbed down from atop the carriage, and brusquely snatched the letter from the couriers trembling hand.  Owing to the pint of bourbon he had consumed since their last stop and acting without tact he gnashed the letter open with his teeth.  

The mangled letter held in Uncle Jeep Tim’s filthy hands read “Recalled To Life”.

For you see even in the most tumultuous tempest, there is the briefest respite from the storm, and the captain must make a decision that will either sink the ship or right it and stay the course.  

In this case Uncle Jeep Tim was needed, whether he knew his purpose or not, so long as the world continues to turn there will be a need for him. 

This weeks article will be brought to you by my Father.  He suffers from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.  As he gets older, he calls me more frequently.  So much so that there is no way I can answer the phone every single time he calls.  As annoying as this is, I know that he is probably not aware that he has dialed me numerous times already that day.  I’m not seeking sympathy, my father was never really “with it” to begin with.  We are probably closer & have a better relationship now then we ever did.

The gold that has come of this is with modern technology, google takes it upon itself to translate his words into text, so that I can read what he has left me for a voicemail rather than listen to the 1 to 3 minute long voicemails that he leaves EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I would assume he forgets he is leaving a voicemail and just carries on a dialogue without any need for response.

Without further ado I give you.  My father, speech to text.

Hello, Cuckoo Clock, Missouri.  I just wanted to see a call and see how much more snow that we’ve got the new have.  Yeah Slow baby inches.  Easy and start snowing around midnight and then stopped today.  So that’s about it.  So what are you going to do?  Are you going to get the LED out of your ass?  A what? These kids man.  Hes only yeah.  I don’t think I dont think I wont Chevron though.  I don’t think I’ll pass that.  So anyway, you are. give me a give me a call or I’ll give you a call back and I’ll see how much work is done so far.  Yeah.  Okay I’m sorry.  I love you.  You know, I’m just joking.  Yeah we’ll see you in the funny papers.

Hey Josh, It’s Tiffany again.  I just tried calling you, but before lunch time.  This is showing everybody there.  You’re nice. parrot No, it’s really beautiful.  Yeah, I’ll try getting ahold of you.  It runs that down or whatever or something after supper be better.

Hey Josh.  How you doing tonight?  dinner tonight Yeah.  OK Google Martian he was the president call me back.  anyway But you go.  

Is this your father?  Try to get ahold of you last night some strange reason it wouldn’t go through.  Anyways.  Nice Day.  Nice to meet you soon.  Nice to me one more number.  No, they’ve been.  See a few more Winx.  I don’t know. The weather Channel what this but I’ll go from there.

Hey Josh.  Yeah, it’s just me Daddy.  Oh, yeah, all I can tell you this just Detroit he trying to get a hold of me there.  Yes yesterday before I got a hold of him.  

Hey Josh, it’s just me.  I don’t know what the scoop is a despairing out serve breakfast and and it’s your on your own.  Thank you know that your York Resume you’re taking the wild manager go to the weather.  I don’t blame you.  Don’t blame you at all.  So you get a chance or just me a for supper tonight.  I’ll driving in the hold of you.  and go from there.  So no one can do right?

Hey Josh, it’s Rob.  I was just giving you a call.  I have a Time.  Maybe you’re not at home.  So should be pretty exciting.  You talk to you in a bit.   Not home left a message.

Yes Joe, talk with you later.

Hey Josh.  It’s your dad.  Yeah, I had a spare moment there.  So. Figured Id give you a quick give you a call.  And around Lunch time.  Yeah, 2012.  Yeah, we’ve meal.  Facebook thanks for change for the better.  glass glass for 5 days.  Yeah.  So give me a call when you either.  I’ll either call you.  Give me a call sometime.  Okay. and What you want to the fat?  You know what I mean?  Yeah. So you A little bit to hear from you and Lord knows what we’ll do.  

Ohhh remember Reagan?  I havent do that I tried one time so ASCO Cheryl.  She’ll have to wait.  Yeah you don’t have to. Well Who you calling?  I don’t even know the number.

What’s the Snow? I see you’re not.  I still come over this damn phone better your mother was left over.  Yep, earlier today.  and that’s what this thing and Roman Quinn said goodbye to McDonald’s. Anyway it was a nice day.  A chance to to her I’m going to find out if your time. Going to get this the same people who say they have to have all your furniture.  You don’t have it is not available van so call Geico.  Find them tomorrow if it’s raining.  boy isn’t for Daniel a Doula. 

 That’s it for today folks.  See you in another year, or not. maybe? BYE.

#jeeptim #jeeptime #uncle jeep time #Comedy #article #Tale of two cities #tale of two shitties #I have no idea what I'm doing

[jeeptime]

IHNIWID™

HELLO.

Welcome to this years episode of your favorite web blog episode I have nO idear wart I’m dung.  

Today I will be your host Chip Chipwell, coming to you live with a pre-recorded web-comedy shit-post.  

One time someone referred to my article as “Shit-posting as an art form” it’s still the single greatest compliment I have ever received in my entire life. 

Tomorrow I leave for Nova Scotia, the land of Demon Jizz covered gyro’s also known as Donairs, All Dressed Chips, and *Gasp* an Alien crash landing site on the southern tip of the province called Shag Harbour.  

Shag Harbour is Canada’s Roswell, and it’s “incident centre” probably quite comparable to our AREA 51.  I will be camping out close to where all the action happens at their UFO festival they hold every year.  I won’t be expanding much on the happenings of the UFO festival / theories / history of the crash site, as I think you should keep an eye on THE MASK SIGN for updates of this nature.  My friend who I will be meeting at the festival deals almost exclusively in the occult, paranormal, and just plain weird.  His blog is a wonderful resource which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND CHECKING OUT.    *end shameless plug*

But seriously it’s a great blog, and I thoroughly enjoy his writing, probably the 2nd best blog in the world. 

I’ll be cruising across the ocean in style on the CAT ferry, or as I previously referred to it as “The hot dog boat”.  The last time I made the CAT trek was many years ago when it was still held by a U.S. company, they decided that the only food item that made sense to have on board was foot long hot dogs.  There were a shitload of screaming kids and the entire place reeked to high heavens of hot dogs.  The CAT is now Canadian owned, so I’d assume in place of hot dogs, we will have poutine or maybe pepperoni and chips.  

The CAT has a casino* on board, but I’ll wait until I get to Nova Scotia for my probing.  

*bunch of sad old people playing slots.

That being said, let’s move on to things that are more in my wheelhouse.  LIKE THIS FUCKING CRICKET THAT HAS BEEN IN MY OFFICE ALL WEEK DRIVING ME SLOWLY INSANE.

Back story - I have a lizard now.  *(end of back story)

I Fucking love eating bugs.

So before we left for Connecticut last weekend I fed the lizard a heaping helping of crispy critters.  This was FRIDAY and she gobbled down the bulk of the crickets immediately.  One tenacious little guy survived the snack session, and has gone into hiding.  When we got back to Maine, I could hear him chirping away, worried that maybe one had escaped the tank and I had a rogue cricket on the loose, I got out of bed and went to look in on the situation.  I turned on the light, and had a gander inside the tank, and there on top of the fake tree was a single cricket.  Satisfied that the cricket was in the tank and not loose, I went back to sleep.  This was a huge mistake.  I made the assumption that because the cricket was in the tank the lizard would simply find him the next morning and have a little snack, boy was I wrong.  We are going on 4 days now of this little fucker chirping and going it all day and all night.  I have taken everything out of her tank (aside from the dirt) and can not locate him.  I have used a sifter to sift through the dirt, but I have not turned up a single cricket.  Even now I hear him taunting me, the cricket has won, I can not find this survivalist bastard.  

Let’s have a meme about it.

It’s been a busy week, we had 3 of Emily’s nieces & nephews stay over last night.  Between the kids, cricket, dogs, and sleeping on the couch, I did not get much rest.  I have an appointment after work, and tomorrow we have to prep and get on a boat by 2.   I figured, if not now, when lord when will I ever write my blog.  

So a big shout out to Nick for finally breaking his blog hiatus, you guilted me into doing the same.  See you up in NS bud!

To everyone else, hope you enjoyed this post, there will most probably be more...

#Aliens #Uncle jeep tim #Comedy #I have no idea what I'm doing

[jeeptime]

4/20

That is today’s date.

Uncle Jeep Tim keeps track of the days of the year the way others may keep track of their belly button lint or edible undergarments.

Uncle jeep time is fond of this day, because 4 divided by 20 is 0.2 and 20 divided by 4 is 5.  5 Times 0.2 = 1 and that is the loneliest number.  So therefore April 20th is the loneliest day of the year.  

Now 4/20 at 4:20 a.m. *(military time confuses matters) that is an especially lonely time.  Also if you are into drugs that is a strange time to be smoking them you must be a lonely soul.

It’s a weed Holiday, smoke em if you are still using an apparatus that creates smoke, otherwise vape em if you got ...em?

Let me leave you with a field guide for identifying birds, because that is a good activity for a day like today.

#birbs #420 #holiday #jeeptim #uncle

[jeeptime]

Pass Me The Millet

A brief dissertation on a topic that is SO HOT right now.

Now that you are well versed in C H I C K E N prepare for the uprising.

Dog memes are so 2012, time to get fresh, time to get with the trends.  Let’s have one last dog moment though for old Tim sake. 

Nailed it. 

I’ve created an Uncle Jeep Tim Meme Trajectory so that my articles will be a little less scary for those who don’t like the unpredictable nature of this blog. 

I would also like to briefly discuss video games and my strange trajectory of addiction.  

As a child it was RPG’s on Nintendo and Super Nintendo.  Notable examples, Dragon Warrior, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger.  I played and beat many lengthy adventures sometimes numerous times.

Moving into Teens we continued into the RPG realm, but it took a darker turn with the introduction of Diablo.  This phase didn’t last long as I was introduced to Quake 2.  Quake consumed my life for a few years, when I find a game I really like I sort of latch on.  

I think I burned myself out on first person shooters from Quake, and I moved back into RPG with the release of Fallout 3 I was hooked.  However I played so much fallout 3 that I found it hard to engage with New Vegas or 4.  I needed that fast adrenaline drip that only online gaming could provide.

I found Rocket League, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep right for about a year.

Then id Software announced they were releasing Champions, I hadn’t played quake in over a decade, but it’s siren song called out to me.  So I went and I purchased a used gaming PC with a GTX580.  This thing is a beast, and I was able to play Champions on high settings as well as Fallout 4.  

I told myself I needed a PC this good to play the most modern games, but after discovering that Champions is clunky and mostly just a modern Unreal Tournament I set my eyes back on the past.  Quake 2 being long since abandoned only about 20 active players online I couldn’t play in that dusty old battleground awaiting death.  I found Quake 3 still had some players online but mostly there wasn’t much happening there either.  

Something I had missed completely in my time away from PC gaming was that id Software had released Quake Live a follow up to Quake 3 with the same graphics, but strictly built for online play.  This is the fastest moving first person shooter I can think of, and is addictive as all hell.  I mostly now use my modern gaming PC to play a game that a computer I built in 04 could handle.  It’s like using a flame thrower to light a cigarette. 

So that was about the nerdiest shit you’ve probably ever read, let’s move on to the BIRBS.

S I P Bepis 

As any frequent reader is aware, I love comics, three of my new favorites can be found below.

Janie Stapleton

https://www.animallogiccomic.com/

False Knees

https://www.instagram.com/falseknees?hl=en

Extra Fabulous

http://extrafabulouscomics.com

So enjoy

PEACE OUT Y’ALL

ayyyy lmao

#Birb #birb memes #peace was never an option #uncle jeep tim #chicken #article #comedy #i have no idea what I'm doing

[jeeptime]

Let’s be real, like really real. Your Loving UNCLE JEEP TIM was in Texas recently and he had some experiences.  Some were good, some were bad, some were neutral.  Some involved TAGGING HIS MF’ING NAME UP ON SOME SHIT.

When most people have an experience they dwell on it for some time, really get into their mental thought realm and extract a take-away message.  “Reflect” is the word people use.  I don’t have that luxury, to dwell on something is to forget it.  I have to force the process and try to extract meaning immediately.  My memory is not like a book where you can flip to a certain page and relive a certain experience.  For the most part it’s more like broad abstract brush strokes that really give a feeling or an impression.  I get impressions and feelings about long reaching portions of my life.  When asked to provide examples of something that made me happy or upset, I’m hard pressed to provide a single specific example.  

I could write things down in little notebooks, that I would almost certainly lose.  My handwriting is atrocious so it would be a good protection against people reading my personal thoughts or journals.  However, I have this problem where when i’m writing with a pen I use the force of a thousand suns on the insolent paper and my hand cramps up almost immediately.  Pencils don’t stand a chance as the graphite just shoots off the paper within seconds.  So I’m relegated to this medium.  To put my blog up on a website that I don’t even use, other than to post my blog.  I’m almost positive that none of my friends use this website other than the few who use it solely to view my blog.  So whats the point?  

Uncle Jeep Tim is more than just a blog on an obscure website, he’s a friend, he’s someone you can learn from; whether it be from his failed experiences or maybe some insight that you garner from his meandering rants.  Uncle Jeep Tim is an open book, a look inside a tome of almost no importance.  In a world with ever increasing obscurity in media don’t you want to say you were in on the ground floor of what is sure to be a cult hit, read in the deepest subterranean vaults of the bunker dwelling future.  

Recently I resumed working from home, and I am back with the company I left about a year and a half ago.  I decided that playing with mouse shit and crawling around in attics and basements really wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  We went to Texas for our yearly summit.  The theme of the meetings was “Transparency” and another underlying theme was “the only constant in life is change” and I can get behind those from a business standpoint and a personal one as well.

Now I’m going to make an unpopular statement and then substantiate it.  I work for a company that is truly different, and is truly unique.  There are a million companies out there who think they are re-inventing the wheel, and synergizing, and breaking status quo’s, perhaps even shifting paradigms.  No, my company is different because they are truly trying to enhance their employees lives, and to create an open and positive work environment.  Every company thinks they are filled with zany fuckers who really know how to let loose at happy hour.  Maybe they are, but have you ever taken a shot with your entire company?  Meditated with everyone in your office in the same day that you pulled out raggae airhorns over a microphone during karaoke night.  I made and solidified more friendships in 5 days than I have in the last 5 years.  I was also treated to the most tantalizing of all human offerings, Respect.  

Now normally I would scoff at the prospect of meditating, especially when surrounded by my coworkers.  I would roll my eyes when I heard we were having a work ceremony that takes hours and honors literally every single person I work with.  I definitely wouldn’t want to go out to the bar with the CEO, or play Cards against humanity while he tries to take calls next to me.  However, those were all things I did this last week.  I’ve never been so enthralled, to be a part of an experience in which every person is treated equally and with respect.  

No exaggeration, I’ve had a different job for every year of my life (possibly more as long as you are allowed to count returning to the same job).  I was able to admit this to my boss without fear of repercussion, and to explain that I felt differently about this job and have never been so confident in a decision as I now feel regarding my return.  Am I going to work here until I die or retire?  That is hard to say, as the only constant in life is change, but what I do know is that the friendships and the bonds I have formed are much more likely to stand the test of time.  

I hope you all enjoyed reading this week.  Hopefully it was a refreshing reprieve from the weird bullshit that will most certainly return next time.

WHATS UP WITH THE CATS THIS WEEK?  I’M SHIFTING PARADIGMS.

CePHaLoPoDS MF”ER

Dogs are STILL DOPE THOUGH

BUT WHATS really hot and trending right now is #birds that look twice divorced.

Uncle Jeep Tim OUT

Damn that sun is bright.

#jeeptime #tumblr #comedy #article #WorkLife

[jeeptime]

As I attempt to write the introductory lines my dog paws relentlessly at the base of my chair.  He fusses and whines, briefly holding his paw only placates him for a second. How dare I forsake him for the digital realm?  With a dramatic flair he grumbles and gets up to leave the room casting a goofy wounded look over his shoulder back at me.

Now that I can actually focus, I set to work on a real world-class rant that I’ve been stewing on.

JUST STOP

On this weeks The Walking Dead, Rick finds the knife in his back pocket, it was him that was the killer all along.  Has he been driven to the edge?  Cast your vote online, or just dead yourself on the app.  Make sure to submit your zombie selfie in triplicate to facebook, instagram, tumblr, reddit, twitter, and walker web.  Watch the new web series starring Rick, maybe, but like in a different timeline.  Or just catch the spin-off Fear the Walking but then they all meet because of course they fucking do.   *Recommended reading prior to discussion of the show is 8000 graphic novels.

Tune in next to the newly uploaded Star Wars movie on Netflix, or just go on Facebook and check out every single person you’ve ever met posing out front of the theater before watching Star Wars, wearing their Star Wars apparel.

I’ve only watched a couple of the movies and I am exhausted with hearing about the characters and their backstories.  

I’m sorry I just gotta say it I can’t get behind the whole Star Wars thing, I honestly just won’t even try, you all like it too much and it saps all the joy out of it for me.  I’m a huge Sci-Fi nerd and typically Sci-Fi has been relegated to the seedier side of the book store, tucked away by basement stairs, or abandoned entirely.  

This whole article should be called “Unpopular Opinions with Uncle Jeep Tim” because it doesn’t end there.  Do not take personal offense just because I don’t like your Star War.   I pretty much don’t like anything and am a bitter old husk hiding out in the shell of a young man.  Here is a brief list that I feel should just stop.

Football

Talking about sports in public (especially to me).

Harry Potter

Lord of the Rings

Super-Hero Movies (yes, all of them)

Eminem

Adult Swim

Anything that has gone past season 4 in the last few years.

the president 

bitcoin (I’m guilty of this one)  

Me 

My dog when he cries at me constantly

Anyone who is still really into Sublime

Rivers Cuomo 

Assigning political values to things that are not political in nature - on this note I will resume the rant.  

I was listening to MPBN the other day and they were talking about a new Sponge Bob Musical that is going to Broadway or something, I really wasn’t paying it that much mind because it already sounds like something that just needs to stop.  The Schmuck they were interviewing whether he was a writer, director, or just a light rigger, took the NPR political question bait.  Soon he is ranting on the political elements of the musical and how spongebob in his pineapple is a direct reflection of the current state of affairs.  If anyone ever needed to stop it was this guy. 

Missed one.

Sorry to be such a downer, but Uncle Jeep Tim calls em like he sees em. 

I also realize I am a huge walking contradiction, I will now provide examples.

My affinity for Sci-Fi and hatred of almost all popular sci-fi and fantasy.  

My love for pickles and pickled things, and my hatred of vinegar.

The fact that I view myself as a reader but watch far more TV than I read.

When one pictures an avid reader they may picture someone highly focused licking the tip of their finger before turning to the next page.  I used to lick my fingers to give them the moistness needed to gain some traction on the dog poop bags to open them.  This always felt as disgusting as it feels to read written out.   Even though these were clean bags and I had yet to pick up any poop just the fact that my tongue was being used in conjunction with dog poop was enough to make me stop that.  I am however in a state of constant dehydration so instead of licking my fingers I just breathe over my fingers which usually gives them the grip necessary to open the poop bag.  

The message here is that although I view myself as an intellectual with refined tastes, I’m more likely to be picking up a poop than turning a page.  Wait, wait, wait, that’s a terrible message.  

Here are some things I AM ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN.

YES

MORE

BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEW COW OVERLORDS

I’m really fun at parties though, I swear.

eh, what the hell, let’s get a little festive.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Bumpin’ Kwanzaa

https://soundcloud.com/donwill/sets/trap-kwanzaa-carols

2018 will be better for everyone I swear, Happy New Year my friends.

#seasonal #jeeptime #uncle #jeep tim #i have no idea what i'm doing #comedy #article

[jeeptime]

The slab of time in which you weren’t reading new Uncle Jeep Tim has slid into the rear view.  You launch haphazardly forward in a foolhardy attempt to predict every oncoming word.  Gazebo, cloaca,  a fetid party game involving gnomes.  This isn’t working, the withdrawals are so severe you are railing whole sentences at a time.  Nothing can fill the gaping void left behind by the gulf of time that has passed since you last laid ears on the sultry serenade of your Uncle Jeep Tim’s clackity keystrokes.  

I’m here to tell you, my favorite niece or nephew, that it is story time.  So hop up on my lap for a fanciful tale sure to delight even the most jaded of hearts.  

The way I understand time is that for every year that passes you are catching up on the year before.  For example on this day in 2016 It was a Friday.  So we have advanced one year into the future from that point, but we have also advanced one day beyond that.  Each year we travel through time exactly one day into the future.  After 365 years we advance one full year into the future, not taking into account leap days and other things put in place by “Big Pharma” to cover up this obvious conspiracy.  I mean you see the chemtrails overhead; they aren’t decreasing in multitude.  

Which brings me to my point - for each day that passes the internet presents me with a what was happening on this day in the past.  But having written this blog for such a long duration of time, some days it will present me with multiple simultaneous blogs posted on this day from all past iterations of my self.  Friday 2016, Thursday 2015, Tuesday 2013...

This former self on occasion has the audacity to go 7 years back and present himself on the same day of the week.  For a second I can feel him on another plain of existence occupying my same space typing at the same breakneck pace.  

I would love to think and even believe most of the things I say, but it’s mostly all fantasy.  Believe it or not, I’m a fairly grounded individual, and that shit is annoying.  I keep an open mind and hope for fantasy to become reality but there is really no mystery left in the world.  I’ve accepted that the next best thing is an admiration of natural beauty.  Unless someone is willing to send me into outer-space I have to satisfy my desire for the unknown by staring really hard at things that are probably pretty well known about.

I miss that part of childhood, being so sure that what you were witnessing was not of this world, or being positive of the presence of ghosts.  Feeling every single hair on your body stand on edge as your brain tries to process unknown sounds and sensations.  I’ve said before that children are probably more receptive to the supernatural, but maybe it’s just a more ambitious imagination.  Either way let’s proceed with some childhood tales.

When I was around 10 years old I lived with a man who was definitely unhinged.  At the time he was my stepfather, but I never had any sort of bond with him.  So I was quite surprised when he frantically woke me up at 3 in the morning to share something with me.  I rubbed away the sleep granules collected around my eyes as I tried to comprehend why the hell my asshole step-father had any reason to be in my room at this ungodly hour.  He was gesturing out my window and raving about a UFO.  

Groggily I pivoted around in bed and rested my elbows on my windowsill and peered out trying to figure out what he was on about and HOLY SHIT there was a giant green phosphorescent orb just hanging out there in the sky above our field.  Now the logical thing to do when you wake a child up in the middle of the night and present them with nightmare fuel is to stay by their side and provide some sort of solace.  NOPE, as soon as he was satisfied that my pupils were bugging out of my head and I was locked on this UFO he retreated from my room without another word.  

I remember locking eyes with this object for what felt like hours,  I was afraid to look away, so I just stared; unsure of what to do next.  Eventually I probably nodded off for a second, and you know that sensation when you are sleeping in a weird position and your head dips, you immediately wake back up with a jolt.  I must have fallen asleep for a second or two, but having woken up with a start, I frantically scanned the skies for any sign of this object, but it was nowhere to be found.

Now this story took place in my new bedroom, where I had moved because I couldn’t set foot in the previous bedroom due to fear. I understand sometimes children can’t sleep in their bed because of a nightmare every now and then, but I had a nightmare that kept me out of my room permanently.  I would probably be hard pressed to go back in that room to this day (and not just because the building is the derelict house of an insane man).  

What really kept me out of this room was a dream that still to this day makes all the hairs on my body stand on end.  You remember the show Unsolved Mysteries?  

Yes?

Good.

Imagine this entire story is narrated by Robert Stack, it will definitely enhance your experience.

In the dream I was watching an episode of the show, but instead of just watching it on television, I was fully present in that reality.  Cut to a young girl wearing all white, standing in an open window with white drapes, everything in this scene is fuzzy and has an ethereal feel to it.  She does not look alarmed in the slightest as she steps out of the open window and surely to her demise on the ground below.  I saw piercing flashes of light as the narrator goes on to describe how the girl was saved by an object that is not of this world.  The narrator cautions that the object is evil and it’s motives behind rescuing this child are unknown.

To describe it is confusing, it was almost like an anchor with a chain following it and cannonballs spaced out every couple of feet (very symmetrical), and instead of sinking this object flies through the sky in the same way that a snake might slither along the ground.  

Briefly the image of the object is flashed on the screen as the narrator describes it’s evil nature, and how seeing it is a definite bad omen.  It’s at this point that “I” (Dream self) am suddenly conscious of the fact that I’ve been watching a TV show, turn my head away from the TV and look out the window of my bedroom.  There in the distance way up in the sky is this object, just slowing moving along in it’s own way.

Needless to say there was no fucking way I was going anywhere near that window for a very long time. Interestingly, this wasn’t even the first supernatural experience I had in that room, it was just the icing on the cake.  Prior to that I had gone to bed and woken up in the middle of the night completely paralyzed with fear as a I heard the plodding footsteps of something approaching my bed.  This object sat on my back and I could feel the springs creaking as the extra weight settled on top of me.  I felt as though a demon was literally on top of me for no reason.  I tried to scream but could let out nothing more than a little squeak.  

So I moved to the “UFO” room (notice a theme with the windows here?).  I can’t recall if this story was before or after the UFO experience but I had one more supernatural experience in this room.  For those not keeping count we are at 2 and 2 for the bedrooms.  

I was a weird child (surprise!) and I insisted on having a waterbed.  So my mother and stepfather went on Uncle Henry’s and found me a used one.  It was the middle of winter and we did not keep our house very warm.  My mother and stepfather had gone out somewhere leaving me alone in the house.  We lived in a building which sometimes had tenants, but at this point in time was completely empty.  So I am completely alone in this giant, freezing house, and I decided that I would just try to go to bed.  So I lay down in my giant, stupid, waterbed, but the heating element must have given out so the thing was absolutely filled with freezing cold water.  I gave up on trying to fall asleep in an icy water tomb and moved to the floor, with my ear pressed into the hardwood.  Beneath me in the empty apartment below I could hear a full scale dinner party.  Muffled conversation, glassware tinking, doors opening and closing, the works.  

When I did finally manage to fall asleep ignoring the insanity below me I fell into a very poor fitful sleep.  I woke up randomly in the middle of the night with all the furniture in the room looming over me and taking on human attributes.  When dawn finally broke, I was up and out of that room.  I was pretty sure I couldn’t go back in that room either, but at this point I had run out of bedrooms.  

Well that’s all the time we have for stories today kiddo, enjoy some pictures that I have collected for you below.

Look at dat stack o’ weevils

Cool NYC graffito

Holy shit did you just see that baby fly by?

AIGHT, UNCLE JEEP TIM OUT

#Uncle jeep tim #comedy #article #blog #i have no idea what i'm doing #Jeep

[jeeptime]

ATTENTION DEPARTING PASSENGERS, THE UNCLE JEEP TIM EXPRESS IS APPROACHING ON THE GREEN PLATFORM. 

ALL ABOARD THE UNCLE JEEP TIM EXPRESS.  

PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS AND BODY PARTS CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS.

BING BONG

Please find your way to the passenger car, we will be serving a light snack in the dining car at fifteen after the hour.  In the meantime we have a moving picture playing on the projection screen for your traveling enjoyment. 

Tonight we will be watching The Star War, a great sci-fi epic, as I understand it.

Me, although I admitted to being a huge sci-fi nerd in the last post, am not super into Star Wars.  While searching for a follow up image to the one posted above, I typed “Star Wars Trump” into Google, the results did not disappoint.  I was blown away by the wealth of images I had to choose from that I had to take a step back and re-evaluate every step of my life that led to this point.  

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I avoid political conversations like I avoid conversations about sports, or really just anything pertaining to sports.  So what has brought me to posting a political meme, referencing a movie that I’ve got no real interest in?

It’s part of the never-ending stream of pop-culture comedy we are inundated with at every waking moment via Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, or whatever stupid social-media platform you prefer.  

I’ve somehow been taken under by the great waves of the social media maelstrom that is engulfing our culture.  

If you aren’t too busy posting absurd memes, or poking fun at the political landscape, you take to the Facebook comment threads to vehemently defend your point of view against a million people who hate you and could not care one iota of a shit what viewpoint you have.  Funny video of a man dancing, well you best not click the comments section, just enjoy a funny video and get on with your day. 

I’ve got such a limited amount of free time, and it feels like there is just too much content to even begin to dip my toes in and enjoy the water.  People telling me I have to watch this movie, or that show.  Did I read about what our President did today?  This funny video is now a hit meme, but you have to do some research to even understand the joke that everyone is in on.  I find myself just treading water, not absorbing anything, just becoming more and more aware of how much I’m missing out on.  

Then I sit back and ask myself, what am I really missing out on?  If I can’t enjoy it, it’s not going to enhance my life in any way.  I really believe the constant access to content and information has dulled and numbed us.  Over-stimulation leads to less absorption of information, less retention.  We are awash in information like mindless phytoplankton in a great body of water.  Okay, I’ll stop making aquatic analogies now.  

(Yes, that SEALS the deal)

I don’t know the solution, but hopefully an awareness of the situation with help on the path to recovery.  (Yes, I realize the irony of blogging about this and it is not lost on me) ((I really don’t give a shit about the definition of irony anymore)).

I want to say the key is to live with purpose and be more mindful of how I spend my time, but I know myself better than that, and I’m not writing a BuzzFeed listcicle on mindfulness.  I’m trying to be real here, I honestly feel there is something wrong with the way most of us live our lives and how we interact with the world through our use of the internet.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m probably the number one culprit.

It seems like a non-problem, and I’m sure my privilege is showing so hard, but I’m not having that conversation.  I may not have a viewpoint on the most pressing sociological issues, I may not know what sports-team is winning the most touchdowns or slam dunks.  I may not have any idea what throne they are referring to or how a throne can be a game.  I may not be sure if Harry ever smokes pot or if that’s just his last name.  I may never know who the Lord of the Rings actually is, or the Lord of the Dance for that matter.  I’m trying to protect my fragile sanity, and potentially make a net positive impact on the world in my own way.  If it doesn’t fit into your view of how someone should exist maybe re-evaluate yourself instead of those with differing views than you.

(*blep)

Another Book Recommendation From Uncle Jeep Tim

UNCLE JEEP TIM OUT

#Uncle Jeep Tim #i have no idea what i'm doing #Comedy #Article #listcicle #Buzzfeed wannabe

[jeeptime]

You raise the assault rifle over your head by the barrel, ready to absolutely decimate this demon turkey with the butt of the gun.  If nothing else the gun will act as a blunt object to bludgeon this fowl apparition back to the afterlife.  

Everything sort of goes black and fuzzy in your brain as you unleash on the turkey.  For the second time in mere minutes you are covered head to toe in giblets and gore.

#jeeptime #uncle jeep tim #i have no idea what i'm doing #Comedy #choose your own adventure #choose your fighter

[jeeptime]

You continue running blindly into the void.  You become brutally aware of how much noise your feet are making as you tromp blindly into nothingness.  

Silence, your appendages continue moving but no sound can be heard, what a strange sensation.  

For the 2nd time in mere minutes you find yourself weightless.  Suddenly a new sensation, wind rushing up at you.  “Why I must be over a giant fan holding me suspended” you think optimistically before you can piece together what is happening.

CLICK HERE TO RE-CONNECT WITH MOTHER EARTH

[jeeptime]

Good FREAKEN evening people!

[jeeptime]

You turn-tail, the heels of your feet making a comical squeaking noise as you pivot on the chicken gore surrounding you.  Your feet finally gain purchase as you hit a patch of feathers and you rip off down the nearest dark hallway.

The patter of turkey talons fills your ears, the turkey is definitely gaining ground, and fast.

What’s worse, it’s getting progressively darker the further you plunge down this never-ending network of creepy corridors.

It’s becoming so dark you fear running face first into a wall may actually win out over your assailant.  

CLICK HERE TO STOP AND FACE YOUR FEATHERY FATE

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE RUNNING BLINDLY INTO THE VOID

[jeeptime]

“Can’t we all just get along, turkeys, chickens, and humans?”

“Why with all the violence, we are all here together on God’s green Earth.”

“I’ve never really had a preference as to white or dark meat.”

You feel like your on-the-spot speech is working, the turkey’s head tilts quizzically as if he is truly considering your every word.

As you begin to make further suggestions as to the golden epoch of turkey/chicken relations you look up mid-soliloquy to find the demon turkey uncomfortably close.

CLICK HERE TO GET PECKED TO DEATH

[jeeptime]

You pull the trigger, again nothing happens.  You’re beginning to wonder why you even bothered grabbing this gun in the first place.  If anything it has only slowed you down up to this point.  You consider tossing it aside and just bare-knuckle boxing the poultrygeist’s beak in.

Before you can reach a decision as to whether or not to toss aside the assault rifle the turkey launches at you with supernatural speed.  A feathery flurry flies directly at your face.  Reacting instinctively you wield the assault rifle like a baseball bat and clobber his bird-ass directly to the ground.  

CLICK HERE TO FINISH THE JOB

CLICK HERE TO TRY TO RATIONALIZE WITH THE DEMON BIRD

#Choose your own adventure #choose your adventure #Choose your fighter #Uncle Jeep Tim

[jeeptime]

You struggle to maneuver your body around to a position where you can reach the assault rifle.  Every surface is slimy, and you can’t help but think of how this must be what a baby feels like in the womb.  Seconds from losing consciousness you are able to wrap your finger around the trigger. Careful to aim away from your dick, you pull the trigger.  Nothing, the gun must be jammed up with giblets.  

All the bad decisions that led you to being consumed by a giant chicken are flashing before your eyes when suddenly you feel an extreme change in pressure.

You stand trembling in a cold dark room, clutching the assault rifle.  You are covered in bits of grain, corn, and the inner workings of a chickens digestive system.  

As your eyes adjust to the lighting in this new chamber you’ve found yourself in it becomes very apparent that whatever happened was not pretty. Bits of gore cling to every surface, it’s as if the chicken simply exploded at the last second before you suffocated inside of it.  

Suddenly you see a sinister light from the corner of the room as a

DEMONIC TURKEY APPROACHES.

FIRE YOUR GUN YOU IDIOT

ATTEMPT TO RATIONALIZE WITH THE CREATURE

#Choose your own adventure #choose your adventure #choose your fighter #Uncle jeep Tim #Jeep Time #i have no idea what i'm doing

[jeeptime]

You manage to gurgle out a plea through the giblets.

“I’ll slaughter all the turkeys in the world, I’ll give up chicken tenders, chicken nuggets, chicken cordon bleu, chicken chips, just let me live!”  

The last few words are somewhat intelligible as you spurt chicken digestive juices from your mouth, pooling along with all the drippings from your saturated clothing onto the floor.

You stand trembling in a cold dark room, covered in bits of grain, corn, and the inner workings of a chickens digestive system.  

As your eyes adjust to the lighting in this new chamber you’ve found yourself in it becomes very apparent that whatever happened was not pretty. Bits of gore cling to every surface, it’s as if the chicken simply exploded at the last second before you suffocated inside of it.  

Suddenly you see a sinister light from the corner of the room as a 

DEMONIC TURKEY APPROACHES.

ATTEMPT TO RATIONALIZE WITH THE CREATURE

RUN AWAY IDIOT

#choose your own adventure #choose your adventure #choose your fighter #uncle jeep tim #i have no idea what i'm doing