in-my-feelings-422

[in-my-feelings-422]

i learned to cut out the parts of me i liked

because they were “weird”

because they were shameful

i had to

to be allowed to exist in a world that didn’t want me

i learned the consequences.

it was easier to bleed of my own accord.

[in-my-feelings-422]

and here i got to thinking that tearing that scab off would make it heal faster.

i should have known.

it doesn’t matter if they want me or not, i’m through with them. it’s just so hard to walk away from a pile of rotten food when the alternative is not getting anything. never mind that it’s been poisoning me. but it stalls the constant ache. i’m just so tired of hurting. i want to love people who love me in positive ways. not like this.

it’s so hard to burn a bridge you just built all the way from you to someone else. i swallowed all that anger and hurt for this. i sat there and acted like it was okay for this. i reached out for this. so what if it’s shit? most things are shit, and at least the bulk of the work is done; they’re already here. all that’s left is the maintenance of swallowing my tongue and forgetting specifically everything when engaging directly.

i already worked for this. i paid a thousand dollars for these shoes, so what if they make my feet bleed?

people aren’t supposed to hurt me. but when has that stopped anyone? terrifyingly, probably more than i want to know. but i’m used to it, and i hate being alone. and i’m fucking terrible at people. i’m used to missing at least 20% of everything going on around me. people who are good at hurting know how to find that spot and tuck themselves up under it. so i don’t trust anyone. and that’s so fucking exhausting. and i know how the people who’ve already hurt me will do it again.

why waste a perfectly good callous?

#dont read

[in-my-feelings-422]

turn the struggles to september and you’re left without friends

and you don’t put your book down, even after it ends

smoke curls up from the table in your quiet little room

and your hearts worn the handle of an old pushing broom

god. is this what i’ve become? is this who i am? i don’t want them back, not now, not after everything, but i wish like god that they’d never left. that we could be together like we were.

i wish i could love them with the clean simplicity i didn’t understand when i had it. i knew they were important, more than anything, but i didn’t understand the rarity of the gift i’d been given, that it wasn’t just because i’m a hopeless fuck up that i’d never had that before, but because it’s hopelessly rare to have such a loving bunch of people, ready to meet so regularly, ready to put up with me, even as i was.

not as i am. i’ve not gotten better, i’ve curdled in my isolation. sure, there are parts of me that are consumable, but i waste most of these on work, the vast majority of myself has soured. i don’t know how i am to be befriendable in such a state. i can barely function, how am i to flourish? how am i meant to dig myself out of the pit i’ve fallen into when i can barely stand to do things i enjoy, much less the work it would take to get myself out of this mess.

my dad says he’d be coming by the end of september. i wish he would die so i could feel all of the complexities of him in the past tense. he has hurt those i’ve loved so deeply, he has hurt me, though i’m not ready for that part, to the point where his likeablility seems an insult to the suffering he has caused. i don’t want to love him, but his presents hints of a simpler time, when the disire to kill myself was entirely self centered. it didn’t have anything to do with anyone else, because i truly didn’t understand that others would be effected by such a decision until long after i had made it. it was a certainty. the sky was blue, twelve months to a year, one day i would kill myself. it wasn’t meant to be a hard choice, it was just the way things were. no one would miss me. until m. we’re roommates. on more occasions than i’d admit that fact brought me back, i couldn’t leave them in this mess alone. not that they’re alone. they’ve got other people. it’s not their fault the only others who are willing to tolerate me are those who made me what i am.

i’m disgusting. i wish i hadn’t existed. i wish i could change all that i’ve ruined. we have but one chance, and i’ve fucked up mine. i wish to be unmade.

#dont read

[in-my-feelings-422]

eating nothing but garbage for two days may not be the best way of coping with this, but right now i’m just trying to appease the miserable toddler inside of me who doesn’t understand that their parents can’t always be there for them.

me, i feel all twisted up about dad, who has done some unquestionably bad things in his life, but the younger me only sees one fourth of the population walking away again. and it’s an important one fourth. my favorite. it’s not right to have a favorite parent, mom tries her best, but sense doesn’t have much to do with this. i know he’s still there, just somewhere else, but for a little while he was back. and now he’s leaving again?! not fair! i don’t want to feel alone.

i didn’t want him to leave.

[in-my-feelings-422]

I'm not friends with you because you serve a purpose to me, I'm friends with you because I just like you. That is to say, there is no one who can do what you do for me because what you do for me is just be you

#oof #need me some freaks like that #but at this point id settle for anyone

[in-my-feelings-422]

no means no means no means no

it doesn’t mean ask me again. it doesn’t mean explain again why i am wrong and you are right. if i wasn’t convinced the first three times then the forth will do nothing but make me feel

t r a p p e d

don’t do that! i said no! i told you i didn’t want to! you won’t get me to tell you what you want to hear by wearing me down! i don’t trust people who try to force me to do things! and i love you bro, i want to trust you! it just keeps getting harder with every time this happens. i don’t like being coerced! if you present reasons that i agree with, i will change my mind easily, you must know this by now! i’m easily convinced by evidence i view as reasonable, opinions that i don’t agree with repeated six times will not change my mind on anything except that you are my friend and i am safe around you.

i care about you a lot, you have been there when no one else was and i have built who i am from the same mud pit you have. we have different experiences, but we made ourselves in the same rooms. bro i value your friendship more than words can describe, but i feel more and more unsafe around you with every attempt you make at changing my mind when i’ve already told you that your argument wasn’t convincing. just because this makes sense to you doesn’t mean it makes sense to me, and i would understand if it was just you debating my opinions, but repeating the same things as if i’m too stupid to have understood what you meant the first three times (or worse, that you can just wear me down, that i’m weak and you’re strong and if you push hard enough i’ll break/i know i’ll break, i know what the breaking feels like, i feel splintered and terrified from what it’s done to me-) i just hate it! stop that! no!

i. said. no!

i’m not some passive child! you won’t break me! i’m stubborn and angry and i’ll die before i let anyone do that to me again! no one can control me! You can’t control me! i’m strong enough to fight what i once couldn’t! and experienced enough to escape what i can’t fight! no means no, i won’t be steam rolled! no one can have me, i won’t agree just because im beat over the head with arguments until i surrender! i won’t be coerced!

do it, or don’t do it, i’ve told you that i’ll be upset if you do, if you don’t care enough then do what you want, but you WONT get me to agree with you by wearing me down. i know that trick. i

K N O W

that trick, and you won’t get me with it. not today, not ever.

#i know you didnt mean it like this but b r o #this is my Biggest trigger #dont tell me what to do #dont try to wear me down until i give you the answer you want #dont do that! #i dont want to be scared of you but my guy #you are using the Same Tactics that my abusers used #because they knew it worked #because they knew i was weak #it has taken a lot of therapy for me to be able to disagree with people in the first place #because when people would disagree i would feel like i was going to be punished for disagreeing #and now im trying so hard to stick to my guns #and you keep shooting me down with this shit #to me its very threatening #and i know its not entirely rational but i simply cannot deal #and i will die before i force myself to stay in that kind of enviornment again

[in-my-feelings-422]

Of Power and Time, Mary Oliver / Liana Finck for the New Yorker

[in-my-feelings-422]

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

i won’t have it! no it’s not alright! no it’s not okay! of course i’m not okay with it! why that fuck would you ask me something so fucking stupid you unfeeling bastard ?! i’m not having those back stabbing assholes invade my fucking house at their leisure with no fucking warning like it’s the same

like we talked about when we were all still friends

they don’t get that luxury

i won’t have them!

you can’t DO THIS TO ME!

you knew it would do this to me

i need time to brace myself or get out of the way, that’s not so fucking hard! i’m not saying they can’t come over, it’s your house too for god’s sake, that would be unreasonable, but would it kill you to make a fucking plan in advance? i’m out of the house monday and tuesday night! make a day of it! see if i give a shit but just the thought of them popping in when ever is enough to make me shake

i can’t just walk in after a long day and find one of the people who left me for fucking dead over a half assed lie that they know was a lie and have known for a whole year and hadn’t gotten around to apalogizing for. who still think that i should apologize again for something that lying liar lied about, like oh yeah, we know he lied about all this bullshit but the part where he told us you didn’t apologize, no, that tracks and we still think you’re the one being really immature about it all

those bunch of slimey pricks think they can have free range of my space that i pay money for, that i work hard for, that i maintain like a god damn adult when they all still live off their parents like the fucking leeches they are

it’s not enough for them to take my time, my love, my money, and then disappear off into the night with it like it wasn’t worth their time in the first place, it’s not enough for them to take my heart and smash it into a million pieces, they have to take my fucking house too?!

#FUCK YOU #WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME TO BE OKAY WITH THIS #I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU NO #I SAID NO #AND YOU STEAM ROLLED OVER ME #LIKE IT DIDNT MATTER #DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THERAPY IT HAS TAKEN ME TO SAY THAT NO?? #AND IT WASNT AN UNREASONABLE NO EITHER! #FUCK KNOWS I GIVE YOU WARNING WHEN IM HAVING ANYONE OVER #AND YOU JUST SHOT ME DOWN #YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT #BUT SO IS MINE #THIS DOES NOT DO GOOD THINGS FOR ME #YOU ARE ALLOWING THOSE WHOVE HURT ME INTO MY SAFE SPACE WITH NO WARNING #AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE COOL WITH IT? #NO #AND FUCK YOU FOR ASKING #‘we’ll see if i can have them text you’ #how about you just make plans? #thats just basic fucking courtasy #god im so fucking sad #why would you ask this of me

[in-my-feelings-422]

i don’t use this soap anymore

if i can help it

it smells like chemicals and cherry blossoms

like old musk and stale air

like the summer after you left

when i spent the whole thing crying

waiting

i was so stupid

i still thought you were coming back

i cringed every wednesday

shied away from old jokes

ate my feelings and starved myself

because it was nice to feel something

that wasn’t the grief

that had taken your place

i cant count all the letters

all the pathetic little laments

all the pencil sketches

all the bruising and scratches

i missed you like an amputation without anesthesia

i smoked to kill the memories

i drank to quiet your voices

i ran as far as i could from feeling anything

and i had no one to catch me

every old nightmare seemed to wake up at once

there had been a time that they had lost their powers over me

when there had been a life line a call away

but once my support system defected me for my newfound toxicity

i was left without anything to soften the blows

i hadn’t noticed how much better i was

until i backslid in my solitude

now i take the kitchen knife to my body

and they have grown dull

but that doesn’t stop me

i look in the mirror and know that

nothing is in the eyes that look back

i’m already dead

i just need to get with the program.

#dont read

[in-my-feelings-422]

why would i ever want to see any of you again?

i loved you and you left me over nothing and expect me to apologize for it. again.

i hate that i still feel anything for you, but don’t worry, one day the rage will carterize the wound and burn itself out and the place you had in my heart will be as empty as your place in my life is. in the meantime i wish nothing but misery for your life. it’s not kind, it’s not something i want to want, but i hope you die alone and broken. i hope everyone you love leaves and everything you love burns and you still have to put your shoes on and go to work. i hope you regret the day you left, the day you decided i wasn’t worth the trouble. i hope one day all your resources run dry and you come to my door desperate and broken and i get the sick joy of slamming the door in your face.

it’s gross to want that. i shouldn’t. i loved you once. but not anymore. that doesn’t mean i should wish all these mean hearted atrocities on you. once i thought that the world revolved around you, that you were the best people to ever live. now all i feel is bitter hatred for you, this sadistic rage. it’s burning a hole in me, and a selfish part of me (are there any other kind?) wishes it will swallow me whole. that in my anger i’ll finally pull the trigger, mail the screamers, push the needle into my vein. letting any kind of motivation inside me is dangerous when my goal for so long has been to grow the balls to kill myself. i hate you all so much, but i hate myself more. you were wrong for doing what you did, but it was the right move none the less. i’m no good for anyone, damaged goods, the plaything of a psychopath who broke in his crucible. perhaps some of his cruelty took root in me giving me these sick thoughts of those who’ve wronged me suffering. that’s horrifying. i’d rather the disgusting sadism be my own sin than anything of his. i wish he’d never got his hands on me. i wish i’d never been born. that id never met any of you. that i were long dead. that i didn’t have to feel anything.

i’m so tired.

[in-my-feelings-422]

thoughts that go like bullets through you

the time you told me that you wished you were dead

yeah i wish i were dead

maybe i always have

i certainly can’t remember a time before the thoughts clouded my judgement

maybe it wasn’t as normal as i thought to be five and so afraid of abandonment that i cried myself to sleep at the thought of loosing a friend that wasn’t even real

because they were real to me

they were all i had

and i promised myself if i ever lost them

i’d kill myself rather than live in a world without them

then i lost them

and i didn’t even have the guts to follow through

and no one cared

and the world spun on

mercilessly

what’s a broken arm when you can’t stop choosing to sleep through your alarms

man you’re losing your head

yeah i’m loosing my head

i wish i’d done it then

clean and simple

before everything got so stupid complicated

before i had to feel guilty about wanting death

before i knew what life felt like

before i

well

it’s not like it matters.

[in-my-feelings-422]

Why I Lie.

No one wants to admit that they’re a liar.

For me, lying is tied to my fight-or-flight response.

As a kid, answering questions honestly meant facing fear and pain. So, I quickly learned to tell my parents exactly what they wanted to hear when they would inevitably try to pick a fight.

But as an adult, I still panic when someone asks me a direct question.

My brain instinctively jumps to insincerity in a desperate attempt to protect itself.

I never intend to lie, and I’m wrought with guilt each time it occurs.

Am I so afraid of vulnerability that I subconsciously sabotage my relationships through deceit?

[in-my-feelings-422]

i’m just so fucking sad about this shit, why can’t i just get over it? i don’t love them anymore. they’ve been gone for a year and a half, they’ve already been permanently removed from my life, why’re they still hurting my stupid heart? i don’t love them! i don’t even like them! i wish i’d never met them. they hurt my fucking feelings and they aren’t even sorry. (not that i’m not used to that shit, but there’s a difference between hurting me and leaving me and of the two i’m stupid enough to think leaving is worse)(i let ca hurt me for years i let co hurt me terribly and, fuck, i let -redacted- literally torture me for a fucking decade and still haven’t told anyone but my therapist and even she doesn’t know the half of it bc a dumb part of me still thinks i made it all up and an even dumber part thinks i deserved it)

i’m just so tired of feeling things. i wish it would all go back in its box to float up denial river but it’s hard to do that when m keeps. bringing. it. up. (“you know you can just apologize” fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck yo-) i’m so fucking tired. i don’t want them back. if m mensions the words ‘sad boi hours’ i’m gonna lose my ever loving shit. just bc m can get over it doesn’t mean i have to. it’s not holding a grudge if it’s an informed decision. who says they even want me back? god knows i’m not worth the trouble. i wasn’t worth the trouble last time.

well you know what? they aren’t worth the trouble to me now. take that. go fuck yourselves. i don’t give a shit.

[in-my-feelings-422]

now it’s all his fault.

that’s it. it was him. not them. him.

i don’t deny that he’s a horrible person, a liar, a slimey little asshole who can choke for all i fucking care, but the thing is i have tear soaked journals from 15 months ago that could have told you that. it was so obvious? how could they not have seen?

fuck, he bummed around and mooched and stole and lied and lied and lied and i knew that’s what had happened but he wasn’t the only one who made a choice here and your choice was that i

“wasn’t worth the trouble”

and i’m just supposed to go back to you assholes because now ‘it’s all his fault’ and you were just victims of his bullshit. that’s bullshit. you didn’t care enough to fucking check, i wasn’t worth the trouble. not worth the trouble. not worth the trouble. i don’t forgive you, you haven’t even thought to apologize. they haven’t even reached out. i bet they still think they were completely faultless. i just wasn’t worth the trouble. they can’t be blamed, because it’s all his fault. if anything i should apologize again. fuck knows i’m not worth the trouble.

and that’s such garbage. i hosted every fucking week. i checked with every fucking person. i bought them all food and gave them all rides and watched my stupid mouth harder than i ever have because i loved them all so fucking much! i don’t think they owe me for that, i’m just trying to say i tried really hard to be the best friend i could because i valued them all so goddamned much, it’s just hurtful to find out how little i meant to them. that i wasn’t worth the trouble. that i wasn’t known by them as someone who would have never acted the way he said i did! me, the person who apologoized for laughing too loud, for sneezing too much, for everything, they really thought i wouldn’t apologize for hurting someone’s fucking feelings?! the lie was so obvious that i could see it from the outside without ever hearing it with my own ears. i knew he was a fucking liar, his lies weren’t that good! i certainly couldn’t have guessed the extent to which his lies went, but most of the ones that involved people were so half assed. it was obvious. why didn’t any of them see? why didn’t they check? just to make sure? i checked when the shit with ca went down! i took her out one last time to see if she wanted to explain, not because i thought there had been a miscommunication (there hadn’t been) but bc her friendship was important to me and i wasn’t going to let it go with out giving her an opportunity to explain, to apologize. why didn’t they care? why didn’t they check with me?

because i wasn’t worth the trouble.

it shouldn’t surprise me. i’ve never been worth the trouble to anyone but m. they don’t deserve all my bullshit either. i should do them all a favor and die. or leave. anything. i’m not even worth the trouble to me.

[in-my-feelings-422]

“you know -redactided- has been asking about you, right?”

i didn’t. why would they? they were the ones who threw me out like old leftovers, why the fuck would they choose to give a shit now?

“you know you could just apologize”

i did. i did apologize. i explained and i acknowledged my wrong doing and i asked forgiveness and i though i fucking had it before they decided it wasn’t enough and left me to find that out for myself.

why the fuck would i want to re-grovel for a one word fuck up that happened over a year ago? why the fuck would i ever want to talk to a bunch of assholes who lead me to believe they were my good friends then drop kicked me?

it’s not like i blame them for leaving, i know first hand how obnoxious and tone deaf and stupid i can be, but they told me none of that mattered. and i was stupid enough to believe them. then cancelled me anyway. im bitter.

no i don’t want to see them again. i don’t want them back. they clearly made their decision. i’m not going to beg for friendship from those who i learned to lean on when i was hurt and foolish. i knew it was stupid to trust them but they made it so easy and when they left it hurt even more than i knew it would. i don’t need that kind of shit hanging around, it’s already in my mind on a loop, i don’t need it to be interactive again.

i can’t.

not again.

#fuck you #rant #dont read #speak #old beef

[in-my-feelings-422]

I want a home mostly just to welcome people into it. There will be bowls of candy for guests, and the cookie jar is full. I’ll always say “I was just about to make a coffee/tea/cocoa, would you like one?” when somebody walks in. There’s lemonade and iced tea made fresh on hot days. Once it hits That Hour and they start saying they really should be going, I’ll remind them that the futon is always open, and I’m making cinnamon rolls tomorrow. There’s champagne and sparkling juice hidden on a high shelf just in case somebody announces their engagement or their pregnancy or their new job while they’re here. There is an extra chair in the living room, at the table, and on the deck, and it’s for you. I want to be able to say “if you’re ever in trouble, come to me.”

#that could have been me if i had anyone left to invite over

[in-my-feelings-422]

sometimes i remember when i had a group of friends and miss them a lot

then i remember how it ended

how they got mad at me for stuff and didn’t tell me about it then got mad at me for not knowing about it then got mad at me for not having an appropriate apology prepared then got mad at me for making a vague sad!post on my main blog about it which i kept up for maybe two hours before i decided that it was too personal and deleted it.

so now i have a side blog for my feelings and i still feel like i can’t talk about this on that because one of my two remaining friends knows about it and they are still friends with those guys and sometimes my roommate gets mad at me for not re-apologizing and going back to the group like it’s that easy.

i don’t want to be friends with people who get mad at me and then don’t tell me about it and then get mad at me for not being prepared to apologize (cause ya boi needs time to find words for things) and get even madder at me for attempting to explain why i did the things that made them mad.

i don’t trust them anymore and i don’t want to spend every moment together walking on eggshells waiting for the moment they decide they’re all mad at me again and this starts all over. it hurt enough when they cancelled me the first time, i don’t want to go through that again.

i know now that i hurt people’s feelings and i didn’t apologize for the things that hurt them the most, i’m not trying to minimize or excuse my behavior. if they felt my apology wasn’t sufficient then it wasn’t, clearly i focused on the wrong things. i fucked up, that’s on me, they were allowed to be upset and not want to be my friends anymore. i didn’t appreciate that i was left to find that out on my own over four months of left-on-read texts and radio silence and then abrupt confrontation, after which i was left under the impression that i had explained my actions and asked forgiveness for the things that i then understood were hurtful and i’m not trying to down play the fact that i fucked up! i did! i know i did, because they told me i did. but after they left i thought we were cool and then nine more months went by before my roommate came back into contact with them and immidiently they were mad that i had posted a thing, that called no one out by name and foremost expressed grief for the lost friendships. i was lonely, i was upset, i am allowed to vent! and they were mad at me all over again!

i’m so tired. i don’t like hearing about them. i miss them all terribly, even though i don’t want to see them, even though it’s been over a year and a half since then. i’m still grieving the loss, like a missing limb that i sometimes forget isn’t there anymore. it aches to think about them, and here my two remaining friends are, talking about them as if nothing happened. i shouldn’t be so fucking emotional about this, but i am. i don’t want to be. i should be happy for them but it just feels like i’m being stabbed whenever they’re mentioned.

i know i spend too much time alone. i just have such a hard time trusting people. and i trusted those guys so much.

i understand that this is my problem, not my remaining friend’s. i shouldn’t be such a little bitch about it, but i can’t stop. my therapist says i should try and forgive them, or at least i should work to forgive myself, but i don’t see the point. i don’t think very much of me, and i try not to think of them at all. i just want to die, but it’d be very inconvenient for my roommate and my mom might worry if there was something she could have done.

i just live in fear that one day i’m going to come home and they’re going to be there to hang out with my roommate and i’m going to see them and start crying. or that i’ll run into them on campus and have to try and find a bathroom to hide in before the tears start falling. i don’t want to see them. i don’t want to hear about them. they hurt my feelings too.

#rant #speak #dont read #old beef