hiiragi7

[hiiragi7]

I've actually been talking with my therapist about something similar lately, about how since I've become fused I haven't been as active in making use of all the different skills and resources I have internally... The past several weeks what we've been working on together has been keeping up with that (with great success I might add).

What I've come to realize for myself with this is that it seems, at least for me, that final fusion is not just one point in time or event per se; rather, it seems that a sort of "final fusion" continues long after the identities of each part merge into one, with all the different skills and traits and all the other aspects of self that were previously dissociated and seperated integrating together more and more over time.

Final fusion (and recovery in general) is not a static state you reach, it continues to grow over time. As long as you continue taking care of yourself and your parts, you continue to integrate long past final fusion. Personally, I really appreciate that about it.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, SoaF. I appreciate the addition.

I've been realizing these past few months how final fusion, for me, can be described as making sense of my identity and who I'd like to be... I have all of the parts of me, of my life, my experiences, and they've largely been connected up to each other and pieced together - however, now is the part where I sit with it and make sense of what it all means to me and what I want to do with it. If the progress leading up to final fusion was me learning about where I came from, my past, what made me 'me' - then what comes after is making sense of who I will be going forward.

I've realized that I've limited myself a lot in the ways I have allowed myself to explore my identity up until now, and I think that's in part because it felt overwhelming to explore what these things mean for me as a whole until now. I was always fine when individual parts of myself identified this way or that way, but something about it feels a lot bigger and more real when I consider those same identities again as a fully fused person.

In a way, it gives me even more appreciation for my parts, for allowing me to begin gently exploring these different aspects of myself at arms length back when I was not yet ready to hold them close to myself and embrace what it means for me as a whole... I feel that it is only fair to myself and my parts for me to continue that work and to explore those aspects of myself that they showed me in further depth.

That's not to say it's become easy, though - especially when it regards aspects of myself inherently tangled up with my experiences with oppression, identifying with these aspects can be rather anxiety-inducing. I am, however, more prepared to tackle it than ever, and it's exciting. I have all the support I could ever ask for, and I'm excited to see where this road takes me.

#final fusion

[hiiragi7]

I've been realizing these past few months how final fusion, for me, can be described as making sense of my identity and who I'd like to be... I have all of the parts of me, of my life, my experiences, and they've largely been connected up to each other and pieced together - however, now is the part where I sit with it and make sense of what it all means to me and what I want to do with it. If the progress leading up to final fusion was me learning about where I came from, my past, what made me 'me' - then what comes after is making sense of who I will be going forward.

I've realized that I've limited myself a lot in the ways I have allowed myself to explore my identity up until now, and I think that's in part because it felt overwhelming to explore what these things mean for me as a whole until now. I was always fine when individual parts of myself identified this way or that way, but something about it feels a lot bigger and more real when I consider those same identities again as a fully fused person.

In a way, it gives me even more appreciation for my parts, for allowing me to begin gently exploring these different aspects of myself at arms length back when I was not yet ready to hold them close to myself and embrace what it means for me as a whole... I feel that it is only fair to myself and my parts for me to continue that work and to explore those aspects of myself that they showed me in further depth.

That's not to say it's become easy, though - especially when it regards aspects of myself inherently tangled up with my experiences with oppression, identifying with these aspects can be rather anxiety-inducing. I am, however, more prepared to tackle it than ever, and it's exciting. I have all the support I could ever ask for, and I'm excited to see where this road takes me.

#didosdd #actually did #actually traumagenic #traumagenic #cdd system #final fusion #recovery #regarding phoebe and apollo

[hiiragi7]

it’s nice to see there’s some other fully fused systems on tumblr ╰(*´︶`*)╯it can be easy to feel alone in my experiences. hope you have a nice day!

Thank you! I've felt that way before too. I've been lucky to have found friends similar to me, which helps a lot with the feeling of being alone with it. I feel glad if I can help others with that feeling too by being so open about it.

#didosdd #traumagenic #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #complex dissociative disorder

[hiiragi7]

Fusion is fun and beautiful and I'm so, so happy for all of the systems who have achieved or are striving for some form of final fusion. Honestly, seeing you all in the community and still actively engaging with it has helped me accept that fusion is indeed the path I want to take with my system. Thank you for being so open about your experiences online and being so supportive of the community even when final fusion is so often demonized and misunderstood in CDD circles.

Tagging @subsystems @smokee78 @system-of-a-feather and @hiiragi7 because I love and appreciate yall so, so much.

#final fusion

[hiiragi7]

in final fusion can u still talk to parts? (like a back n forth convo. or maybe not? like how u can (well, some can) talk to parts in non-fused DID) + do they retain individual appearance? for u and/or in general if u've heard about that from anyone else? feel free to ignore if u want

Thank you for this question, I'm happy to answer.

It honestly really depends on the individual and what final fusion looks like for them. For me, I can communicate with my parts, but unless I choose to visualize it as two different parts speaking it's in the same way that a lot of people have an inner voice or hear their thoughts. It isn't necessarily distinguishable from just my own internal thought chatter unless I choose to view it that way.

Often, when I feel internal conflict or I'm feeling indecisive, I choose to talk to myself as two different parts (who I call Phoebe and Apollo), and it's very helpful for me in navigating those conflicts. It is a back and forth conversation when I do this. Sometimes I choose to comfort myself like this as well, by imagining these two parts of myself comforting each other, what they would say and how it would feel. It makes me feel a lot better about whatever I'm dealing with to give myself that sort of internal support.

For me, my parts do have their own appearances, it helps me to visualize them and I often like to draw them - I'm an artist and making art out of what's going on in me has always been really cathartic for me. I was drawing my parts long before I even knew the word "system" or that I had DID.

My parts' appearances have changed a lot over the years. As I learned to love myself, my parts' appearances gradually came to reflect that, with their hair type and skin tone shifting to reflect our body. Nowadays, I imagine my parts as looking more or less like different versions of myself.

I hope this answered your question, feel free to send in any other questions regarding final fusion or my experiences with being fused - I really enjoy talking about it.

#didosdd #cdd system #traumagenic #actually dissociative #actually did #regarding phoebe and apollo

[hiiragi7]

I'm actually one of the 23% that voted pro-endo... Because I was drawing from a lot of my experience on discord.

I'll be honest, I didn't even have DNIs particularly in mind when answering the poll. I thought a lot about how (understandably) on-guard folk in the pro-endo spaces I've been in have been, to the point I've seen people get reported for using parts language or suspected of being anti-endo because they weren't vocally pro-endo enough. I've been called sysmed for saying DID is trauma-based and for not liking Tulpa language due to its origins. I've seen people discourage others from even being friends with anti-endos, and even that being friends with anti-endos makes you an anti-endo too, and I've seen people get banned for who their friends outside the server were. I see things all the time about how you should never ever even consider what an anti-endo has to say, and that all anti-endos are liars. Hell, a server I moderate removed links to a certain asian system's posts regarding Tulpa language in an announcement because said system was anti-endo at the time and that meant a lot of people both inside and outside of the server wouldn't listen to anything staff had to say on the matter and was convinced the server was "going sysmed".

Many pro-endo folk I've personally interacted with are also very insistent that anti-endos are a hate group.

I think it's a lot more complicated than just DNIs. I think it's also very possible that each side is isolated in their own ways, and even possibly discourage or disallow interaction with the other side in different ways.

I think the data regarding DNIs is interesting (though I'd love to see what it looks like across different websites, personally) but I don't think it can really be used to say outright that one group is more isolated or disallows interaction more than the other? I think it's more accurate to say it may represent a trend among DNIs across each group on Tumblr specifically, though I also agree with Circ that it's missing some nuance there as well. I do also wonder if the results may be skewed by looking in anti-endo and pro-endo tags specifically...

I think I'm noticing a pattern. I think anti endos are more isolated?

I need to go to bed now, I'll do a count of dnis later. Or maybe someone else will do it instead, or already has, who knows

Here, have a poll. Place your bets.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

[Not anti-endo; just wanting to participate in the discussion]

Well, the thing there is that dissociated parts aren't the same as alters or even plurality per se. The ToSD talks a lot about elaboration & emancipation, and about different levels of dissociation. Dissociated part is a broad term for a wide variety of phenomenons; A dissociated part in PTSD may refer to an emotional flashback state, whereas a dissociated part in DID may refer to alters.

If you really want to get deep into the technicalities of it, the authors of The Haunted Self do actually give space for the possibility of highly elaborated & emancipated dissociated parts (which in some cases may be similar to what we call 'alters') outside of DID; they give an example of a PTSD patient with one ANP and one highly elaborated EP, and state their framework is a prototype meant to be added onto. I don't think this is the same as saying "PTSD is plural", though... since not even DID is inherently plural. Plurality is moreso a way of viewing yourself/selves and your identity than anything.

Even when talking about dissociated parts and even alters, it's important not to conflate these with plurality; many folk with DID do not identify as plural and do not see themselves as more than one. Plurality is a framework for viewing identity, it is not necessarily interchangeable with what is happening internally with parts.

Personally, I don't think it's useful to argue against anti-endo talking points by trying to prove something about plurality through something like the ToSD; for me, this only furthers the conflation of plurality and pathology (as well as trauma), since instead of making a point that plurality can happen outside of disorder, you've just ended up expanding the number of trauma-related disorders plurality can supposedly happen in, which for me misses the point. It's not that plurality can happen outside of DID "because the ToSD says it can happen in other trauma-related disorders too", it's that plurality can happen outside of DID because anyone can choose to view themselves through a plural framework no matter what, regardless of the reason or whether a disorder is involved or not.

Why are anti-endos' only resource the theory of structural dissociation? It's either that or carrds 😭.

Like... you realize the theory of structural dissociation was written by a guy who abused his plural patients, right? Why are we... using that as a resource?

If you want to follow that; then you also have to believe in and follow the part where it says that therapists should only speak to the 'real' one in the system. And then you should also follow the part where it talks about how all traumatized people have dissociative parts of the brain; not just those with DIDOSDD. So therefore people with PTSD and other disorders commonly associated or caused by trauma would also be considered plural, correct?

Oh but I forgot, you only like to cherry pick the information that specifically helps you.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

I am the system as a whole, not any individual part, so I would actually say I have zero system members (I am fully fused).

I can choose to view myself as being made up of two parts if I like (I do this sometimes to help visualize my thoughts) but... hm. It's all just me, I don't view it as having two system members when I do this, just playing with different aspects of myself.

[hiiragi7]

Another issue I have with AGAB language being used the way it is nowadays is that our community now defines and talks about trans people through what we were born as, not by what we currently are.

I feel like Julia Serano in her book Whipping Girl says it well: "While there are certainly times when discussing "assigned sex/gender at birth" is useful, referring to trans people en masse as "AMAB transsexuals" or "AFAB transgender people" goes against everything that trans communities have worked for. We should be recognized for who we are, rather than the mischaracterizations and expectations that other people originally thrust upon us."

#trans issues #trans #transgender #transsexual #lgbt

[hiiragi7]

I feel that a part of the issue is that, for many of those who are anti-endo, endogenic plurality and CDDs are inherently linked, if not even one in the same - for many anti-endos, there is no viable plurality outside of CDDs, and so any claim to plurality is inherently a claim to CDD. In discourse, variations of "you cannot be plural without a CDD" is a major arguing point for many anti-endos. Endogenic plurality is not viewed as its own concept but rather as an extension of CDD issues (misinformation, ableism, etc). Pro-endos, therefore, are seen as supporting anti-CDD sentiments. I feel like it will be difficult to seperate endogenic discourse from CDD spaces until pro/endogenic and anti-CDD stop being conflated with each other, though I feel like "everybody deserves resources" is a good place to start.

The people who insist that you have to be anti-endo/cannot be pro-endo or even neutral in order to access CDD resources, be those informational posts or discord servers or communities or anything else, are part of the problem of making it really hard to even separate CDDs from plurality as a concept. The more you double down on making these resources inaccessible to others with a CDD who have a different opinion from you on endogenic plurality, the more you conflate that endogenic plurality and CDDs are tied to each other.

Like, if your point is to curate a space for *yourself* where *you* feel safe and comfortable, that's one thing. But if you're out there making "communities" and "resource posts" and the like for the wider public, these things absolutely should not be gatekept. If specific individuals are in these spaces spreading harm and misinformation, then sure I understand wanting to keep other safe from people like that. But someone having a pro-endo stance and not even necessarily advertising that or not even engaging in conversation about endogenic plurality shouldn't be kept from CDD spaces.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

On Final Fusion: Violence or Health?

The ways in which we as a community of multiples talk about final fusion comes from a place of deep community trauma and attempts to navigate how we make sense of ourselves and how it relates to and conflicts with pathological views of our minds and ideas of how we should "recover" (with recovery, as an idea, differing not only between medical and multiple/plural communities but also within multiple/plural communities themselves).

Many multiples seek out final fusion and/or experience final fusion very positively, while others have heavily negative experiences and/or views regarding final fusion and may even be against final fusion as a concept entirely. Disagreements occur as to whether final fusion is a violent attack on multiples' right to exist as themselves or whether final fusion is valid as a recovery method. I wish to explore final fusion from a couple different angles, from a violent "cure" to a good recovery method.

In approaching final fusion as violence, it makes sense to take into context final fusion first as a medical tool, and one which has been used to coerce or force multiples into presenting as though they are a singular personality; with a medical system which functions as a weapon of ableism (among many other -isms), the approach to anything which is pathologized is often an attempt to erase it entirely as "cure". Although modern psychological takes on multiplicity rejects any comparison to the supernatural, the clinical approach has been and in many ways continues to be similar to an attempt at exorcism, with multiplicity approached as a haunting of an individual which holds this individual back from living a fulfilling life.

It is no surprise to me that the approach which the multiple community has taken in response to this medical violence mirrors that of other disability advocacy movements and language in response to medical violence; using language such as "smashed together", "murder", and even comparisons to conversion therapy to describe final fusions and the medical abuse which has accompanied it for many.

As well, many clinical approaches to multiplicity are incredibly dehumanizing and anti-multiple, and may be used as methods to coerce multiples into final fusion. In addition to final fusion itself, it is not a surprise to me that certain other clinical language or methods related to multiplicity have similarly developed a poor community reputation.

Functional multiplicity has also been heavily downplayed as a valid recovery method and relatively underresearched in comparison to final fusion, and in response, many multiples have opted to push final fusion down in order to lift up functional multiplicity, spreading ideas that final fusion does not work and does not/cannot exist.

On the final fusion as health side, there are many multiples which have found a final fusion approach extremely helpful, and who even reached final fusion outside of the guidance of a therapist. There are many multiples who actively seek out final fusion as a goal, and many who have decided to go through with final fusion on their own terms, or who ended up at a state of final fusion naturally without intentionally taking action to do so. There are plenty of multiples who report being much happier as fully fused.

Final fusion is very clearly not only a possibility but even a positive natural course for many multiples to take, and indeed can be described as health in this context. As such, while final fusion exists as a violent medical tool, its existence and function is not limited only to this. Final fusion exists as genuine healing outside of curative violence. Those multiples which positively experience and/or seek out final fusion will inevitably be pushed out of the conversation when final fusion is treated as though it is an inherent violence or even a myth.

How can our community acknowledge the medical violence attached to final fusion, validate survivors of that abuse, and at the same time not foster negativity about final fusion as recovery and the positive experiences of those who seek final fusion within our spaces? Personally, I believe an overlooked approach lies in bodily autonomy, and I feel that our community should work to distinguish final fusion as recovery from coerced or forced final fusions.

With this shift, we focus not on whether final fusion is "good" or "bad" or whether final fusion is "better" or "worse" than functional multiplicity, but rather on a multiple's right to define their own recovery and choose what treatments they do and do not want, as well as an emphasis on consent and autonomy regardless of whether or not one recovery method is considered "better" than the other.

I also believe it would be useful to open a conversation about the amount of power and control medical professionals have over their patients, and to connect these conversations up to broader disability movements and criticisms of the medical system.

Abuse disguised as care has no place in a professional mental health care setting. This is of course a far broader issue than final fusion or multiplicity, but applying a multiple perspective to it is a conversation I would love to see more of within the community. At the same time, given the way these conversations have been happening when they do happen, I also find it incredibly important to emphasize that the issue is that of bodily autonomy and ableism, not of final fusion itself.

I would love to hear others' thoughts and perhaps suggestions for how to approach these conversations, and perhaps even ways to distinguish between fusion as recovery and fusion as violence within the community.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

"Plurality as a concept exists outside of CDDs and can be found in many non-European and non-Western cultures and philosophies, and trying to discredit all forms of plurality as being fake is racist and xenophobic"

and

"Many people appropriate practices from other cultures and religions in order to validate their own plurality, which is a form of racism and xenophobia"

are both positions that can and do co-exist with each other at the same time.

It's like racism and xenophobia is an issue that's pervasive no matter what spaces you're in and what your discourse stances are.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

hi !! i really really need help. i think i might be intersex but i honestly don't know where to start with researching or what to ask people. i was assigned female at birth but ..... yeah. dont worry if this is awkward for you to answer, you can just ignore it. ^_^

I always suggest checking out interACT - they have lots of good resources.

#intersex

[hiiragi7]

This. While I call it final fusion, I've found that at least for me there isn't actually anything "final" about it. I don't think that multiplicity and singularity are static, binary concepts, I think that they're rather fluid states of being that people can move in and out of.

stupidest question, but what’s your thoughts on the term final fusion itself, particularly the final part as someone with a flexible perspective on the self?

I think its an imperfect term but I think it serves its purpose for those that do aim for / achieve final fusion and don't subscribe to the same flexible perspective of self / existence.

It's commonly used and communicates an idea close enough to serve a role and I respect that so I don't really have any issues with it.

Speaking completely on ideals and "if we wanted to do it best" I would say I think its greatly missleading and thus causes a lot of people to assume things about final fusion that isn’t true / isn't necessarily true and thus also generating a lot of fear around it.

I also do think the term is rooted a bit in the old approach to treating DID where the goal was to "get rid of the other parts" and while I think most therapists / psychologists worth their worth in salt DO NOT approach DID like that, the term lingers from there.

Overall, I think itd be good to have a different term that isn't rooted in the toxic approach to "fixing DID" and that is less.... heavy handed? But I also don't think its anything that NEEDS to happen.

Honestly generally speaking, I like phrases like "late-stage DID recovery" and "resolution state" if we are more clinical than colloquial cause both functional multiplicity and final fusion don't really fit particularly well for me.

But yeah the whole "final" part is kinda silly to me, but it works for some people and some people do want it to be the "final" fusion, so hey, I ain't gonna sweat it. It can be a bit confusing / missleading, but hey, thats language in general. The important thing is how we discuss it imo.

#syscourse

[hiiragi7]

The silly strikes again!!

Why did the anti-endo howl at the moon?

Oh, you didn't know? Syscourse is turning people into werewolves now.

#syscourse #asks #joke post

[hiiragi7]

I’m the silly syscourser!

What is the pizza order of proendos, anti-endos, and syscourse neutrals?

Pro-endos are actually strongly for pineapple on pizza and anti-endos are strongly against it, so neutral always orders the pizza with pineapple on one half and no pineapple on the other half. Sometimes the order gets messed up and the entire pizza gets pineapple, so neutral eats the pineapple off one half of the pizza to keep the peace. Neutral doesn't actually have a strong opinion on whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not, but neutral enjoys pineapple, pizza, and being around friends, so it works out.

#joke post #syscourse #asks

[hiiragi7]

13 + 14/15!

13. Is there a media analogy for fusion that resonates with you?

I couldn't really think of anything too specific, and what I did end up thinking about probably reads more like a character grappling with trauma and learning how to grow into a person outside of what trauma made her to others... but I do really enjoy Talentless Nana, and personally I have always viewed Nana as a system which has become more integrated and perhaps fused over time. She started out with very different and very conflicting sides of her, but throughout the story I've noticed a lot less distance between those different sides of her over time, in a way that reminds me of fusion.

14. Have you had a positive fusion experience before?

Most of my experiences with fusion have been very positive, actually - To me it's always felt like a warm hug. It's a sort of love and warmth that is very different from love in any other kind of relationship I've ever experienced - it's very familial in a way that you can only feel with yourself. It's like meeting someone new and seeing an old friend again at the same time. It's deeply familiar and at the same time something you've never known before. It's learning who you are pieces at a time and falling in love with each part of yourself, over and over again.

15. Have you had a negative fusion experience before?

I have had some. Each time that it was negative it was because I was not ready for it and hadn't fully wanted it. It's very important not to rush it and that everyone involved consents and isn't pressured into it.

#asks #didosdd #actually did #recovery