hey-angelle

[hey-angelle]

#ParaSaLaude

© Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

Life is a battle, and in a battle, there are always the victors and the losers. 

[ NOTE: I don’t know what to call this. I wrote this while I was in a deeply emotional state last June 2019. This contains two parts, one written on June 7, 2019, and the other was written on June 12, 2019. The version uploaded in here is not the original anymore, for I have made certain revisions and added more words to it. For the second part, it was originally one paragraph long, so I decided to add more (the paragraph marked with the asterisk marks the start of the additional paragraphs I wrote). I’ve tried to capture the same emotions I’ve felt a year ago, and I don’t know if the 2019 me would approve of it, but hey, I tried my best! ] 

WARNING: Explicit language. Part one written in English, part two written in Filipino. 

Word Count: 797 words.

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Part I, June 7, 2019. 

This was a hashtag I coined to motivate me with my shifting from the Accountancy to the Arts and Letters, but in all honesty, I don’t know if this dream is even feasible, all because I failed an accounting subject. A dream that I had for so long was robbed of me that fast. 

A part of me blames myself for not being good enough, for being a lazy, good-for-nothing, and incompetent student. I am enraged at myself (if there is a word heavier than “enraged,” let me know, because that’s how I feel with myself). I never loathed myself more than I did now. Sure, I had my fair shair of screw-ups in the past, but clearly I’ve outdone myself this time. Even if I put all the effort into studying the material, it will never be enough. What’s wrong with me? Am I that stupid, dumb, and dull-witted to not even understand the material that fast? How come my classmates can understand the topics easily? I think even if I cried a bucketful of crimson red tears, it would never be enough. With my previous college, I don’t think I can ever be enough. A part of me blames the system: the system that favors only the top students rather than nurture the ones with potential. The system that throws away “defective” students because they fell short with the set standards. And sadly, I am a throw-away because I fell short, but who am I to complain? When I entered this college, I knew there were standards I had to live up to, yet I still didn’t make it. And just like that, the college I looked up to has debarred me from my dream.

It fucking hurts: you know, giving it you all only for it to give unsatisfactory results. Left and right, you’d see students that are highly anxious and secretly feeling down because of their grades. They plaster on these smiling facades in an attempt to block out what they really feel (I know I have been). I have seen how hardworking and diligent my peers are, but sadly, those aren’t enough. What matters is that you pass the exams because that is what they take into account. Besides, exam scores and grades are much more quantifiable rather than effort, right? 

I will swear by my blood and death that I will graduate with honors. I want to go up the stage, at least four years from now, and a medal will be put over my head, signifying my glory over my failure. I might have to go against all odds for that to happen and I believe that if it’s for me, it’s for me. A famous line goes “slytherins always get what they want” (as in with the sorting hat song: “those cunning folks use any means to achieve their ends”). 

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Part II, June 12, 2019.

Araw ng Kalayaan ngayon. Isang daan at dalawampu’t isang taon na ang nakalipas mula noong makalaya ang Pilipinas sa kamay ng mga manlulupig. At sa araw din na ito, malaya ka na: ang pangarap kong maging Laude. Ang hirap mong pakawalan dahil sa simula pa lamang ng giyera ay napasakamay ka na ng kalaban. Handa naman akong lumaban pa eh – may plano na ako pero dahil sa isang pagkakamali, nagbago ang lahat. Labis na nadudurog ang puso ko dahil sa naging kapalaran. Kahit anong pagpupursigi ang aking gawin, hinding-hindi ko na muling makukuha o makakamit ang pangarap. 

**Tila ba ako’y binaril sa dibdib dahil sa bigat ng aking nararamdaman. Hindi man ako namatay sa tama ng bala, habang buhay naman akong paralisado. Ang pagkaparalisa ay magsisilbing paalala sa isang maling desisyon na nagbago sa takbo ng aking buhay. Lugi naman ako sa labang ‘to, baka pwedeng isuko ko na lang? Tutal wala naman na pala itong patutunguhan. Pero bakit ganun? Palagi na lang ba akong talunan sa buhay na ‘to? Tangina. Papanalo naman ng isa oh. Paranas naman sa akin ang tamis ng pagkapanalo kasi pagod na pagod na akong umuwing luhaan at bigo. 

May pag-asa pa bang baguhin ang ihip ng hangin, o kaya ibalik ang nakalipas na oras? Nais ko sanang kausapin ang nakababatang bersiyon ng aking sarili. Gigisingin ko siya sa kaniyang pagkahibang na kakayanin niya ang kursong tinahak niya. Nais kong sabihan siya na huwag nang ipilit pa ang kaniyang sarili dahil hindi naman siya roon nababagay. Lalo lang niya ipinapahamak ang sarili dahil sa kahibangang ito. Sana’y nakinig siya sa sa pagdadalawang-isip noon at baka ngayo’y hindi tayo nasa ganitong situwasyon. Ang tanga-tanga talaga, puta. Wala na ata siyang ginawa at piniling tama sa kaniyang buhay. 

Napapagod na ako. Sabak tayo nang sabak sa giyera pero kahit isa ay hindi naman nananalo. Putanginang buhay. 

** Added as of August 20, 2020.

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#misc #thoughts #college life #english #filipino

[hey-angelle]

On the Film: “Bar Boys” by Kip Oebanda

© Bar Boys Facebook Page 

Sometimes in life, you have to choose whether you want to keep going or to stop. 

[ NOTE: These are my personal thoughts while I was watching Kip Oebanda’s film entitled “Bar Boys” on YouTube. Safe to say I was very emotional when I was writing this. I hope you enjoy and that this doesn’t change your view of me as much! ] 

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide. 

Word Count: 2752 words

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Past 9PM. March 23, 2020. Day 9 of the Quarantine. Out of the blue, I decided to watch Kip Oebanda’s film, “Bar Boys” on YouTube. Honestly, the first time I heard the title, the notion of grimy pubs with strobe lights came to mind. I thought the film would be about workers in a bar trying to keep themselves afloat. And of course, I was wrong. The film was about a group of friends who wanted to go to law school. I, for a fact, once had the thought of going to law school and become a lawyer someday, after I graduate accountancy. Yes, I wanted to become a CPA Lawyer when I was in junior high school. I even wanted to graduate with Latin honors… I remember asking my mom how I can graduate with honors in college, and to which, she replies: “Mag-aral ka lang nang mabuti. Kaya mo yun!” (“Study hard! I know you can do it!”) Oh, if only the little 10th grade Angelle knew. Come senior high school, I already started questioning if I really wanted to take up accountancy. Law school then was out of my mind. I ended up taking up accountancy during my first year as a college student. Safe to say, it was hell. I remember getting a letter from the College of Accountancy telling me that I am qualified for admission due to my academic performance. If I recall correctly, only a few were able to receive such letter. I took that as my motivation to not quit; I rationalized: “Pinili ako ng college na ‘to. Papatunayan kong deserving ako na pinili niya ako.” (“This college chose me. I’m going to prove that I am worthy of being chosen.”).

           Now, Carlo Aquino’s role spoke out to me during the entire movie. He’s surrounded by well-enough friends who are smart and actually know what they are doing: that even if they don’t exert that much effort, they pass. Yes, I was like Erik Vicencio – the not-so smart guy who has to exert more than 100% but still ends up failing. I also had my parents, who served as my motivation in trying to finish my program; like Erik’s parents, they work hard to send me to college. They are approaching their senior years and I cannot recall the amount of times they’ve told me “tumatanda na kami” (“we’re not getting any younger”) which reminds me that I should not slack off so I can provide for them when they’re in their senior years. Nonetheless, they were supportive of me, and like Erik’s father, they kept telling me to keep fighting… to keep going no matter what. But every time a quiz gets handed back to me and I see failing grades, I feel so ashamed and frustrated. I mean, how dare I get failing marks when my parents work so hard to make sure I am comfortable in my studies? They weren’t even granted such luxury when they studied yet they were able to finish and look where they are now. So, how dare I fail, right? I kept telling myself that all this would pay off someday, that I’d be rich and be able to give my parents the life they deserve. But as the weeks and months passed by, I felt drained… like I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was thinking that maybe this battle just wasn’t for me. Maybe I should just shift programs already, else I’m just jeopardizing my entire future if I push any further. However, I pushed these feelings aside and continued the battle. Finals came for the second semester. Grades were out. And for the first time in my life, I’ve gotten a failing mark. No, this was not just a failing mark on a quiz, but a grade of 5.0. I had no one else to blame but me. I blamed myself for my lapses and shortcomings. That maybe I should’ve tried harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep while reviewing. I failed and it was all because of me. When Erik failed Mr. Cruz’ class, he wanted to redeem himself and would do anything just to pass. I felt the same way too, if only teachers would give out extra credit tasks from where I came from… but they don’t. Even as our grades were released, we had no time for consultation with our professors since it was already the break. And so, I told my parents about this failing grade of mine. Needless to say, their reaction was not quite what I was expecting. I only had my dad with me during this time, since my mom was abroad, enjoying her Europe trip. It was also during this time that I had made the final decision to shift. No, I wasn’t shifting because I had a failing grade. I was shifting because I felt like I deserved more, and I wanted to be doing something I love; me failing was only my “breaking point” or “trigger” since I’ve already had thoughts of shifting prior to second semester. There was this scene where Erik’s now paralyzed dad told him to do things for himself, not for them or for anyone else. Again, this resonated with me because the moment I decided to do things for myself, I made a life-changing decision… and that was to shift programs. That part where Erik’s dad also tells him that he’d do anything to fund his studies takes me back to that time when my mom called me all the way from Europe to comfort me – that she’s okay with me failing and losing the chance to graduate with Latin honors (in our university, it is a policy that once you’ve gotten a grade of 5.0 in any subject, you are barred from graduating with Latin honors). She even told me to stop thinking so much and I knew that was her motherly instincts working, because during our week of final exams, she was already in Europe and during those times (and a few weeks prior to that), I’ve been having recurring thoughts of committing suicide. Just thoughts, not concrete plans on how I’d execute it. I began to withdraw from my friends. I felt like extreme shit and that I was a worthless, good for nothing, and mediocre accounting student. My mind was all over the place. It’s a miracle how I still managed to do good in some of my exams. This is why when I was watching the movie, I’d get anxious every time something bad happens to Erik. I kept thinking, “Hala, paano kapag nagpakamatay siya?” (“Oh no! What if he commits suicide?”) because when I was in his situation, I’d get thoughts of wanting to end my life. Thankfully, he never does. And thankfully, I never did. It actually took everything in me not to break down and cry while my mom was talking to me on the phone because one, it would be embarrassing to cry at my dad’s faculty room and have his colleagues see me, and two, I wanted to remain strong for my mom, whose voice was now slowly starting to break. I told her about my decision to shift and she told me she’s fine with it and that she and my dad would continue to work just so they can help me with my studies, even if I decide to take up my masterals… as long as I stay and continue to fight. Up to this day, I still hold that phone call conversation close to my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how my parents were so doting and caring during those times. I remember how my dad used to ask me if I wanted to come with him when he goes out just so I don’t stay at home and begin to overthink things again. Also, a few weeks back, I had been joking with my mom to get me a pair of sneakers from the Harry Potter Vans Collection, and on the weekend when she came home, she and my dad immediately bought me a pair just to console me (even if deep down I knew I wasn’t deserving of such expensive gift). I then realized how privileged I am to have them, and I will not take advantage of this. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

           Now, let me also talk about how the friendship between Erik, Chris, and Torran struck a nerve in me.  As I’ve mentioned earlier, I kept having these thoughts of wanting to end my life since I felt like everything I’ve been doing and will be doing is already pointless. In their senior year, when the three were nearing graduation, Erik has failed a class and will be delayed in graduating. However, despite them breaking out into a fight, Chris and Torran still managed to find a way to make Erik pass. Eventually, he does and is now able to graduate. During those dark times of mine, my friends were there to help me stay afloat. Their mere presence alone was enough, and like Chris and Torran, they did something that I would never forget. It was the last day of the final exams and as I’ve mentioned in an earlier paragraph, I’ve been withdrawing from my friends during those times; what they did was that they surprised me with a compilation of letters that they’ve gathered from my other friends. All these letters were words of encouragement; some were even from people I wasn’t close with, which really touched my heart. Somehow, this ignited the almost dying fire within me. I’m reminded that I am not alone in this battle because I have my friends. Honestly, the amount of support I’ve gotten from my friends in general during those trying times never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time. There’s this scene in the movie where Justice Hernandez (played by Odette Khan) tells Erik that his friends and even her – someone who finds it hard to actually believe in people – has put so much trust and belief in Erik: that he can overcome whatever trials he may come to face… and all that he needs to do now is to believe in himself; this scene reminded me of how many people have my back, no matter what happens, I just need to put some faith in myself. To give myself credit for all the things that I’ve accomplished and are set to accomplish, no matter how big or small.

           However, there were also dark sides to this friendship. In the movie, Kean plays the role of their barkada who fails the law school entrance exam and took up modelling instead, his dream career. Somehow, I now see myself in him. As a previous accounting student, I can’t help but feel out of place among my accounting friends. Every time we meet up, all they’d do is talk about their accounting professors, their accounting subjects, law, tax, and the like. While me, being the Behavioral Science major now, cannot contribute anything to the topic except the occasional nod and smile. Like Kean’s character, I used to be a part of the “main” group of characters, now, I am just a side character in the narrative. He even gets to the point where he complains about not being able to see the three anymore because all they do is study. And yes, I’ve done something similar. In fact, there was a time where I got upset and disappointed because every time I ask my friends if we could meet just for a little while to eat, they’d say something along the lines of: “hala, may quiz kasi kami eh.” (“Oh no! We have a quiz!”), or “Sorry, busy kami eh. Rami pinapagawa.” (“Sorry, we’re busy. We have a lot to do.”), or maybe “Quiz week namin eh. Next time na lang.” (“It’s our quiz week. Maybe next time.”). Even our schedules don’t seem to fit in. You know what I’ve realized with this? It’s sad how the people you’ve wanted to reach success with is no longer in the process with you. This might seem selfish at first glance but let me explain it: see, as a first-year accounting student, I’ve expected that I’d be spending the rest of my 4 years with them, to share and relate with their struggles, failures, and victories. But seeing as I’m no longer an accounting student, I can no longer relate to whatever calvary they’re facing. Yes, I can still ask how they’re doing but it’s different when you actually know and have gone through their struggle because then it would give you a better vantage point to what they’re feeling. In Filipino, nararanasan mo mismo yung mga paghihirap nila kaya mas maiintindihan mo. The mere fact alone that I can no longer relate to their talk about accounting signifies that the only thing I can do for them now is to ask how they are doing, how they are holding up so far, etc. without actually getting the whole picture because I haven’t gone through what they’ve experienced. Alam niyo yun? Iba kasi yung feeling na nakaka-relate ka sa paghihirap ng isang tao kasi ikaw mismo, may ganung experience. Yes, I can make new friends in my new program but for some reason, it’s hard because everyone else seems to already have their friend groups and I don’t want to just force myself onto them like that. There’s nothing that can compare to the friendships you’ve already built and felt at home with; having to leave so suddenly absolutely sucks. But fuck it, as long as we’re still together towards the end, then I’ll take what I can get. I don’t want to be the friend who imposes as well. Towards the end of the movie, when all four of them are finally successful in their careers, I long to experience the same with my friends.

           Of course, even as a Behavioral Science student who, frankly, at this point is not even sure if she wants to become a human resource manager, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or even take up law after graduating (in short: I’m confused and undecided), I take into heart what Justice Hernandez has said to the graduating class: “Buhay, Kalayaan, at Pag-asa ang nakataya sa bawat batas at artikulong binabasa niyo o hindi niyo binabasa.” In the event that I want to pursue the psychologist/psychiatrist field in the near future, it is very important to me to pay attention to whatever is being taught to us in class and to read whatever is asked of us. Working in the said field would mean that lives and the well-being of people are at stake, and as a practitioner I’d only want the best for them. More so if I ever decide to become a lawyer (which I highly doubt! I can hardly survive being an accounting student and after seeing the film, I don’t think I’m ready, let alone cut-out for such demanding pursuits). I remember during the first few days of class, some of my classmates were talking about authors of various accounting books (e.g. “Gamit mo ba libro ni Valix?”, “Sabi nila maganda raw yung libro ni Valix eh, kaya yun binili ko.”) and I was like “Who on Earth is this Valix guy?” only to find out that he, indeed, was a renowned author of various books in the accounting field. There was a similar scene in Bar Boys, when Torran photocopied various readings and Erik was surprised by the volume of the photocopies… and those were just for one reading. I don’t know if he actually felt disheartened afterwards because when I saw my classmates reading books before classes even started made me say: “Shit. Maybe I am in the wrong program.” because I was not full of vigor and interest in actually learning the subject.

           Maybe one day, when I am already successful in the future, I’ll rewatch the film and reread this write-up, only to smile to myself and be proud that I never gave up. To the Angelle reading this five years from now, I hope you’re happy with what you are doing.

I’m sorry if this little ramble of mine has went beyond the scope of the film. It has just incited in me these feelings I’ve kept suppressed for so long and it was time to let them all out.

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“It doesn't matter where you start, it only matters how you end.”

“So, do you fight, or do you quit?”

#misc #movie #bar boys #kip oebanda #thoughts #filipino films