hauntedsandwichslut-blog

[hauntedsandwichslut-blog]

This is a little bit of my story of how I struggled with my own problems and lost the love of my life because of it, It all started when I was young I never really had the family that is close and deals with problems, my parents split when I was 2 years old and 15 years of custody battles followed and I don’t remember a spending a whole year in one school, but we eventually moved to another state when I was 16 so my childhood was never stable. In 2012 around 5 years ago now I met the love of my life she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and from the moment I laid eyes on her I knew I wanted nothing more then to be with her for the rest of my life, after a few weeks of messaging and meeting up I took her on a walk to the beach and asked her to be my girlfriend when she said yes I will never forget the feeling of happiness I had. After around 2 months she moved in with me and my family, we were only 17 at the time and things became serious so quick we spent the next 2 years living with my family and until we eventually got our own unit together, I was so happy but I have had a strong past with trust issues and anxiety I always felt she was to good for me she worked 2 jobs while I had casual jobs and studying on and off never decided what I really wanted in life so I changed everything all the time and always had issues but no matter what she was always there for me, after a while I gained a steady job and we got a bigger place where I eventually had a friend move from another state to live with us I got him a job and payed all his bills until he was on his feet, unfortunately for me my girlfriend and him didn’t get along but I failed to see this and he eventually got me fired from my job, we lost the house and nearly everything me and my girlfriend had to move back in with family. after this I fell back into a pit of jumping between jobs and studying and soon found that my mood was getting worse because of this, she tried to make me get help but I refused to see my depression getting worse, and after while of this happening my mood got worse and I got stuck in a job I hated I found myself coming home to a girl who loved me dearly and I was taking out my bad mood on her to the point she would cry when I wasn’t around. I started thinking I would be happier without her and what my life would be like if we weren’t together and spent more times going out with mates then talking to her, she never wanted friends all she wanted was me and I wasn’t there when she needed me most, I started drinking most weekends and soon turned into smoking marijuana and I lied to he when she asked me about it even though I was more disappointed in myself that I was doing it. Our relationship went from a dream at the start then to my own insecurity’s ruining my life with a girl I would have married and had children with. I started to notice I was being to hard on her when I was told by family and friends but I never knew it was that bad. I wanted to try get back to the old us so I took her on a holiday and it was the most magical weekend we ever had I had even thought about proposing to her on holiday, but after we got home the problems came back I  started to let my problems get the best of me. I just cant believe I was so self centred not to be able to see what was going on. around the 4 and a half year mark in our relationship we started arguing about the smallest things and I spoke to her in the worst ways and bring up problems that didn’t exist. My drinking got bad enough that I was saying things I didn’t really mean and she cried bad enough to sleep on the couch crying while I went to bed. I eventually started a argument thinking I did not want to be with her and told her to move out to her mums after 2 days sleeping without her I started realising all my problems were as bad as she said and I tried to sort things out but this time I had gone too far and she wouldn’t come back. After 4 days of not seeing her I told her we were over because I need to start working on getting over her. 2 days after that I noticed what I had done I never felt satisfied and I was always trying to fill a hole that only she could, I begged her to to come back and told her I will get help and change she didn’t care I had pushed to far. But by now I didn’t sleep, I lost my job, I went into my mums workplace and broke down crying finally admitting I needed to go to a doctor and get help because im not okay.   I will never forget the moment the doctor asked me if I was suicidal and If I had plans and I said no I don’t want to kill myself but I have lost the will to live and can not see my future. I am not expecting sympathy for my actions because I was truly a horrible person and she did not deserve to put up with this, she always was there for me and I pushed her away,  I have since been put on medication and seeing a therapist, got a full time job and getting my life back on track but nothing can fill the hole in my heart of her place, I still find it hard to sleep without her, Love what you have before its gone because sometimes you don’t see your own problems. Living with anxiety and depression is a daily struggle and sometimes you don’t know how bad it is until you lose the best things in your life.

#love #depressing thoughts #i love you