girlunlearn-blog

[girlunlearn-blog]

Feb 11, 2019: Piano lessons & Tears

Where to begin.

This was the day I was supposed to blow Professor Voon‘ s mind. Make her see that I’m prepared to boil the ocean to earn a spot to play at my own graduation recital. It was supposed to be my first successful step in “getting this over with”.

Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned.

I practiced for about 2 hours before the 9am class, mainly focusing on Bach’s Prelude and Fugue. I even attempted to memorize the Fugue, which totally backfired and resulted in my left hand completely forgetting how to do the trills. Well, that pissed her off!

— All your trills are wrong!

— Yes, I’m not sure why....

— What do you mean you don’t know why? I know why. You didn’t practice! That’s why.

It felt like I fell into a deep dark hole, with zero chance of getting out. Wow, I am a sad person.

I was begging and praying to all the gods in existence for the class to end. She had me standing there looking guilty, feeling this feeling I haven’t felt in a while now. I guess the best way to describe it would be “shitty”? In the past few years, I mostly used that word to describe my physical well-being and rarely my emotional state at a particular moment in time. At least not one of this extreme.

The tears didn’t take long. All I could do was hope nobody would take the stairs.

I rushed to my practice room and checked the time.

Lmao. That’s when you know you’re fucked. When you gotta check the time to see if you can afford to cry right now or not.

It was 11:00. I had to stop. Ty would be here any minute now. Needless to say, that was literally physically challenging. I walked around back and forth that cubicle of a practice room, wipping the tears and fanning my face. Sat down to practice, only to shove the music sheets aside. Stood up and started pacing again. Finally thought to watch some YouTube. Eventually, LadBaby dried my tears up.

Ty arrived practically right after. Looking so handsome, ready for his photoshoot. I immediately hated myself for the ugly mess that I allowed myself to be. Immediately hated myself for not making this whole recital experience a fun thing to go through with him. Instead, he’s having to tone down his awesomeness and act depressed along side me. Fuck me!

He gave me a huge hug and a few kisses. Of course he smelled so good. And fresh as a cucumber, as if he just walked out of the bathroom a second ago.

He soon noticed the red snobby nose.

— Why are you crying?

And so the “nothings” quickly turned into a monologue on how sucky i was, interrupted by his “nos” and “don’t say thats” and my now full-on Niagara Falls tears. I gotta give it to him, this guy can calm me down pretty well. Mostly when he doesn’t say anything. When he just sits there quietly, listening to every word, wipping away the tears one by one, caressing the head, like a cat- placing his forehead on my shoulder, holding my hand. That was pretty much a perfect boyfriend move. But then he started talking.

He was nervous I would quit. I get it. There was no hiding I was ready to.

I chatted to Reach, right before Ty arrived, asking him how big of a loser I’d be if I didn’t play at the recital. Of course, he didn’t know the extent of the whole story, most likely assuming I was backing down because of nerves and fear. He did not comfort me. Leave it to that guy to slap me out of my bullshit.

— I don’t want you to quit.

I didn’t reply.

I can’t disappoint.

#JournalEntry1 #2019 #piano #tears #lifesabitch