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fungirl-apk · 3 months

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JJK CHARACTERS AS SCAM ARTISTS. (JUJUTSU SCAMMERVERSE.) (PT.2)

((((a series dedicated to Jujutsu kaisen characters and what type of scammers they would be. (Keep in mind this is just a joke - slander if you will. Lmao. )))

I told ya'll to pack your bags cause the dust blizzard was on it's way, it's sneezin' season. get your feather dusters out. the king of wallet lint has arrived

-> Part 1 (satoru)

1.6K+ WORDS

TW// DUSTY!TOJI, WELFARE FRAUD, TOJI BEING BROKE, SCAMMER DADDY (is that the opposite of a sugar daddy????), MENTIONS OF BABY MEGUMI

(if you have eczema , asthma, or a cold - reading this fic featuring dusty toji will make you cough, wheeze, hack, and sneeze. read at your own risk. i'M WRITTING THIS AS SOMEONE WHO HAS LIVED OFF OF WELFARE LOL)

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TOJI FUSHIGURO - WELFARE FRAUD.

-TOJI is definitely the welfare-fraud type of scammer, the kind who lies about his income to receive government benefits whenever he isn't working as an assassin. When it comes to scamming - since Japan doesn't have SNAP EBT, welfare benefits are his next up in side hustle money.

-TOJI first had the revelation of welfare fraud when he realized due to his occupation, he had next to nothing in his bank account. Of course, he couldn't just put $30K in his bank account without alerting the Authorities. So, like any other person with an illegal, unethical profession - he hides the money.

And technically, since he IS an assassin - he wouldn't have the liberty to stuff it into an account anyway...

When he found out he was eligible for public assistance, his dust wallet couldn't have been more overjoyed - he even used his month-old son, Megumi, as sympathy bait. Who would refuse to help a single father with a newborn? No one, of course. :)

So, after a brief visit to the welfare office in his municipality, two weeks later, he's carrying Megumi in a Louis baby-sling with an equally expensive baby bottle, getting name-brand Gerber baby food, fresh fruits and vegetables, not a single canned fruit cocktail or canned chicken noodle soup in sight.

-TOJI views Welfare benefits as a side quest in a video game, a small amount of disposable income he can use to spend on gambling Megumi if he needs anything, a side reward for doing a job well done, but when he drops the ball or business is slow - he sees It as his last resort and becomes more frantic.

This leads to him discovering Phillips and Barker's primer, "How to Scam People Online." books off Amazon, which made him aware of the r/broke Subreddit full of fellow dusty individuals.

-TOJI quickly discovered that most women online are desperate, desperate and trusting enough to believe him when he claimed to be a "broke single dad living pay-check to pay-check with a newborn in a no bathroom, no kitchen, 1 bedroom, unfurnished apartment". obvious sympathy-bait, but they're blinded because he's a near 6-foot handsome guy with jiggly man-boobies. (can't blame em')

-TOJI knew he was an attractive man, and he would use it to his advantage whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Shiu knew this more than anything after experiencing long talks over drinks with the bummy bastard. it was no secret - toji's looks got him far, understandably so.

But he never estimated his looks to get him this far.

-TOJI started by calling up lonely women on dating sites, preferably newly single moms in post-alimony living conditions who bragged about their divorce settlement.

Then, he'd get close to them - making them feel loved and cared for. Talking to their children over the phone - taking pictures smiling with their kids together, cooking canned fruit cocktails and canned chicken noodle soup with the children, he even made them feel like a real family by staying at her house together (he locked himself out and didn't wanna tell the landlord again.) Giving them hope for a brighter future.

When it's time to strike (or he needed money and got bored of the sex.) he'd use megumi as a manipulation tactic to obtain their card information.

"meguml needs sum diaper send card info plz"

Then, he'd yank everything they'd ever earned. Stealing their money when they trusted him enough - using as much cash as the card could possibly allow before ghosting and blocking them.

-TOJI had done it so many times that Megumi began to either ignore or forget the women actively coming in and out of his life, not because he was young and memory loss caught up with him

But because there were too many to keep track of anymore. Yeah, each woman sounded different to him - but their faces blurred the same.

Not that it mattered to him anyway - but there were so many women, he'd forgotten whose name was who's after a while. Sometimes, Toji would meet up with a woman, and on accident, megumi would call them a completely different name - one that belonged to the previous.

Some might say toji was cruel, not only for the example he'd set for Megumi - but for scamming those innocent, lonely women. But Toji would just say he's a criminal.

Seriously, he kills people for a living, and he's lying to the government about his yearly income just to sniff some pennies - morals where?? he'd say he's a genius. Regardless, he hated people who bragged about their income, in his mind - they get everything they deserved if they got scammed. Maybe it was the dustmite in his ear talking?

-TOJI was ecstatic when he found you off of r/broke, he thought - no, he was certain you'd be the perfect victim.

You were posting pictures of yourself with over 10 racks to your ear on Reddit, aluminum foil grills, diamond and gold chains shining into the camera (with a steady turning green neck), Bragging about your riches on a public social media platform, 'Reddit' no less.

Flexing your lavish lifestyle of non-canned, homemade fruit cocktails and fancy homecooked chicken noodle soup? Just who did you think you were, anyway? and to brag about it on a subreddit for broke people? it told him everything he needed to know about you.

You were arrogant - like most rich, law-abiding citizens on the internet. After he found out you lived alone and were actively searching for a boyfriend?? he sent his dust blizzard directly to your personal messages, and his dust leaf hurricane couldn't have arrived any quicker in your inbox.

You were arrogant - it's fine though, because toji has a plan that would teach you your place, reduce your credit score, and drain your bank account to chicken-flavored maruchan microwavable noodle territory.

And after carefully plotting your downfall, he conjured up an egregious plan

but first, he'd have to figure out a way to fly himself out to the U.S.A. and invite himself into your 4-bedroom home, he had just the way to do that.

-TOJI had been living in your home for 3 weeks now, but it took you days to decipher he was absolutely broke. You had no clue he was jobless until he moved in and made himself comfortable in your humble abode.

At first, you assumed he just got off work earlier than you did, until a neighbor called in complaining about a disturbance in your home from 8 am to 9:30 pm consistently for the past week.

You would come home daily to Megumi making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the same used butter knife all by himself while toji watched TV with one of his feet propped up on your coffee table, the other on the armrest of your expensive couch.

Snacking on the last haitai honey-butter chips and Dr.bepper you had. snack wrappers were scattered along the floor, Hershey bars, a half-eaten granola bar, and various other miscellaneous plastic junk food papers.

Sometimes, you'd find him polishing his dirty shoes with whatever cheap shoe polish he found in Dollar General - other times, he would be watching sports and punching holes into the drywall.

You've stopped getting sleep and sitting on the living room couch, partially because of the bedbugs you're at least 99% sure came from Toji putting his feet with his sandal on the arm-rest while sending Megumi to dig under your pillow for the remote batteries you'd been forced to hide.

And also because toji has been sleeping on your bed when you were gone, - Which he claims to have never done, despite the fact you feel like you're sleeping on gravel from all the snack crumb residues he left behind.

You've tried unsuccessfully to subtly kick him and his son out, but it was like he was passive-aggressively telling you off while simultaneously inviting himself in.

"I really don't think I can let you stay any longer than 5 weeks, This house really doesn't have enough room for the both of us." you cringed internally for not sounding as stern as you hoped, but you prayed the message would still get across.

even though you could tell he wasn't looking at you - he was intimidating.

he leaned against the doorway scratching his sandal against his feet, towering above you. He smirked, "Really?" gesturing to the four bedrooms, stacked kitchen, and huge bathroom. He made an effort to look down at you as he spoke - almost condescendingly, He was begging for a confrontation.

"..'m sure you could spare a bit more than that.. for a single dad with a 5-year-old son..?" you were about to retort, but as if on cue, Megumi walked through the door.

-TOJI's eyes flickered over to Megumi before landing down to your face, again, he was testing you - seeing how much he could get away with disrespecting you. he was begging for a confrontation

one you knew you'd never give into, for the sake of his son, And he knew that.

And it remained like that until you started to discover baby cockroaches. you reached your last straw, and yelled at him and his son to get the hell OUT.

-TOJI would use your computer (that had snack crumbs wedged between the keys...) to search up the laws regarding evicting single dads with sons when he discovered "squatter rights", and from then on - it was over.

You lived in a state where if you don't go through the tenant eviction process to have a squatter removed, you'd infringe on their squatter's rights.

You didn't own the building - you couldn't go to the landlord without letting them know you allowed another person to live with you - you didn't wanna risk getting evicted.

So, for the past week and years to come, whenever you'd threaten to kick him and his son out - he'd recite "squatters rights" like the bible, face turned to the TV with a mouth full of chips as he watched the football channel.

you cry silently in your room every night, wiping your tears with empty chicken-flavored maruchan noodle packages as the bum and his son in your living room eat you out of house and home

using your car without filling the gas tank, and punching holes into the drywall.

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{look at my undercooked gojo fanart?!?!?}

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fungirl-apk · 4 months

Text

JJK CHARACTERS AS SCAM ARTISTS. (JUJUTSU SCAMMERVERSE.) (PT.1)

____________________________________

(a series dedicated to Jujutsu kaisen characters and what type of scammers they would be. (Keep in mind this is just a joke - slander if you will. Lmao. )

-> PART 2(toji)

TW// dusty!satoru, scammer!satoru, dustmite!gojo, mentions of scammer!geto, crackfic

1K+ words

(if you have eczema , asthma, or a cold, reading this fic featuring dusty gojo and (a very little, but still dusty) geto will make you cough, wheeze, hack, and sneeze. read at your own risk.)

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SATORU GOJO - THE MONARCH SCAMMER.

-SATORU is definitely the "over-the-phone" foreign country emperor-type scammer. The kind of scammer who chooses gullible females (such as elderly women,) or vulnerable women (such as lonely widows,) on purpose - he's no misogynist, but he finds women easier to manipulate cash out of (partially due to his good looks and silver-tongue). Besides, what woman can resist a handsome ""emperor"" from a foreign country? with a foreign accent?

-SATORU would definitely be the type to carefully plan out his responses/behaviors before manipulating his victims for cash - he'd purposefully distance himself away from his victim for days, but not before saying things like: "I'm broke", "I have no job", then arrive with a half-assed apology 3 days later, "oh- sorry! was busy working, lol :p"

-SATORU would obviously not be stupid enough to contradict himself, By accident that is. He knows what he's doing, he's just making it seem like he's hiding something... Hiding the fact he's the quote "emperor from some rich foreign country".

He realizes he could never just say that though, so instead, he'd leave little traps for his victim to pick up on, hints, and clues, that'll eventually all add up and corroborate his story.

-SATORU's entire goal from start to finish would be to push the theory without explicitly saying it. The more distance between you two, the more suspicious you will get.

the more desperate for an answer you feel as he pushes you away? This is how he lures you in, although you'll never realize it until the end.

-SATORU would only strike when he knows he's destroyed your morale. When you inevitably lower your standards for an explanation as to why he's been "traveling in and out of Japan", desperate for anything, you'll accept his outlandish confession of being a

"foreign imperial monarch, emperor of the south who has 8 Bugatti's and 5 exotic albino peacock-tigers and an 89 figure bank account".

And regardless of whether you truly believe it or not, you accept it. Because you're just desperate for his company and tired of feeling neglected.

-SATORU would use his previous absence to further push the theory if you still weren't convinced enough. "Yeah, the reason I missed your birthday was because I was helping the local Duke of the North. I got injured, so I was in the hospital". he wasn't.

"remember when I said I couldn't be there for your promotion party? The guards of the south needed my assistance on the day of the party, so I traveled to Japan to help them.". He didn't.

"That picture of me on the airplane was me traveling to my kingdom". He literally snuck onto that plane without a ticket...

-SATORU is smart, smart enough to know you probably would begin to doubt his fictitious empire and his tenuous adventures about "large boats made out of porcelain with golden jewels, exotic albino caviar, and white pearls" in Bali, Indonesia.

So, to further sell the dream - he sends in cash or expensive gifts now and then as the final nail in the coffin. To some inexperienced scammers, it just looks stupid, considering he's supposed to be the one receiving money, "counterproductive" they say.

But Satoru just scoffs and writes them off as "amateurs". He doesn't see it as ""CoUnTeRpROduCtive"" He sees it as an investment, a down payment, or to put it more accurately, a security deposit for the future.

"It isn't guaranteed you will get back the same treatment in dividends from the person you choose to pour all this unnecessary money into..."

Nanamin often remarks. But again, Satoru just scoffs. Nanamin just doesn't understand the psychological genius behind a true mastermind such as THE gojo Satoru, king of the con artists. Some say he's arrogant, but he'd just say he's confident in his abilities as a scam artist.

what comes around goes around, and he's gonna get his money back one way or another. it's just his good karma.

-SATORU's best friend, confidant, and partner in crime, geto, comments that if any regular person were to describe Gojo, they would say he's an absolute despicable excuse of a human being.

If any of his victims were to describe him, they'd say he was a learning experience and their first real heartbreak.

If an advanced scammer were to describe Satoru, they would say he is a genius but arrogant hustler in a world full of flim-flam cowards,

a true fraudster in the flesh. Most scammers who've heard the tales of Satoru Gojo assume he's worked his way up to the top all by his lonesome, brewing his own methods of mind games and manipulation processes resulting in successful licks among women internationally.

But, geto would just chalk it all up to him being born into a very corporate family.

One that happens to scam their customers out of new and expensive phones every 6 months for minimal features but 6000x times the price. it's worth it though, because you get 50kb more space. :>

-SATORU would never let another man in your life. not in jealousy - but in greed. He's had men in the past attempt to distance his victims away from him in either pursuit of a romantic relationship, or because they're trying to play fraudster as well, While he's still trying to play HIS tricks.

you can guarantee no matter who it is - Satoru takes it as a sign of blatant disrespect if another scammer attempts to try and get in the way of his bag

So, he makes an example out of them, which is the number 1 reason why Satoru Gojo became the most notorious figure in the Con-artistry community.

IF a man somehow reaches the god-like proportions Satoru Gojo has achieved in the world of the jujutsu scammer-verse, he'd just have to knock him down to size.

He can't have another shyster challenging his authority. If the JJK scammer verse is the Wild Wild West, there isn't enough room in this town for both of them.

-SATORU in the world of scammers would be the kingpin, the best, the inspiration, the moment, and the blueprint for other scammers in the jujutsu scammer verse.

and he's a dust storm heading toward all the women. ladies, pack your bags, skip town, and lock your doors, it's sneezin' season - and beware of the Toji dust blizzard following right behind

-> PART 2(toji)

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ATTENTION ALL READERSSS, THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE IF ITS POPOCACA BUT REMEMBER IT'S JUST A JOKE FOR YOUR PERSONAL ENTERTAINMENT

BUT IF MY FANFIC ERADICATED ANY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT FEEL FREE TO CRITIQUE ME!!!!!!

(also, here's a quick yuji fanart I created LOL)

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