free-of-sticksnleaves

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

As always, healing means there’s an opportunity to look back and reflect.

I’ve just done that, and I wish I hadn’t.

I’ve forgotten so much. So much is gone.

It’s interesting to see how angry and frustrated I used to get over that fact. Now it’s just kind of horrifying to me.

I have a large scar on my body. There’s a funny story attached, that I tell everybody when they see and ask about it.

Well, today I remembered the moment when I was crying, alone in a forest at age 7, making up that story so that people won’t think I’m crazy.

How am I supposed to cope with knowing that it’s always been with me.

It’s always been with me.

I also got an email a few months ago telling me about a Penzu journal I had apparently abandoned in 2017. I don’t remember writing it. Guess what I described in it. That didn’t phase me quite as much. There’s also a photo from 2011 where ███ is in the background. I think it’s the only photo I still have of ███ but only because I don’t know where it is, which is why I can’t destroy it.

What do you even do? Film your every move? If it’s not dependent on location, can happen at any time, anywhere and I forget all about it when it’s over - what do I do? What do I do?

I didn’t really notice something was this off when I finally found my way back to my dorm. I guess I was too glad to finally be in my warm cozy home again to realize how awful my situation was.

I dreamt about it, of course. The branches were at my college, coalescing into a figure in a hallway. Watching me, watching life progress, people go where they had to go. Not a single student or professor noticed the thing at the end of the hallway. No one but me. Looking at it hurt me, it scared me so much it physically hurt. Yet whenever I wasn’t looking at it I felt this unbearable curiosity to look again.

This dream would set the theme quite nicely for the months to come. It was a winter semester and soon enough the nights started earlier and earlier. Most days at college I wouldn’t even get to see the sun. There were no leaves left on the trees – the entire forest was a gross, uninviting mess of branches. Yet regardless I kept wanting to go.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

This time, I won’t be in hiding.

The life I gave up and wasted.

Another time, a new life and I’m alive this time.

My fear ends here, tonight.

- Blink-182, “Anthem Pt. 3”, edited by me.

#blink 182

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

It’s exactly the same like last time.

New city: check.

New people: check.

New university: check.

New album by Blink-182: check.

One thing’s gonna be fucking different this time and you know it.

The last four years sucked.

But I learnt.

First I learnt to hide, to run, to give up. I had to. Because that lead to me learning how to breathe, how to preserve, how to live.

I now know how to have a goddamn enjoyable life despite everything that happened to me. And I won’t let hell or high water stop me from having the best life I can have. That’s what I fucking deserve.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Does this have anything to do with being followed by an entity? Maybe an entity others might not believe if you said so? You dont have to respond to this. You can just make a post to maybe let me know to message you if you want. If it's about being followed by an entity you want to escape, I know what that's like. /srs /gen

Really? What gave it away?

#DMs are open as always.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Started all over again. Different town, different faces, same me - somehow. Despite all of this - it’s still me.

It feels like I’ve loaded an old save state after watching a tutorial. I’m in the exactly same situation I was in - back when it happened. I’m just not alone anymore. I know what to say now. I know how to smile, laugh and talk.

I’ve never been good with words. Or people for that matter. Maybe being all alone in a strange town contributed to what happened. Well, now I’m not alone. Feels like things are going right.

After everything - I really, really like that feeling.

Sun’s rising.

And I am really looking forward to the day ahead.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Hope. Throughout everything. Despite everything. I am full of hope.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

He says, “I tried it all, wrote it up on my wall, got away from the source…”

“…I’ve been through it all, the last hope may fall, everything may run its course.”

It's been years, since he lived a normal life.

In his worst fear, ‘cause then every day felt more like the end times.

- Unknown, Song I heard on the radio once, edited by me.

#everything will be alright #everything will be fine

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

I love watching the rain drops hit my window, the smell too.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Haven’t felt this bad in ages. My chest and stomach hurts from being this tense.

I’m safe here. At least I should be. I was so sure that I would be.

Can’t sleep.

Scared for the first time in a long while. Truly, viscerally scared.

I feel it in my chest, it’s tight, constricting.

Actual panic.

#hurts

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Can’t sleep.

Scared for the first time in a long while. Truly, viscerally scared.

I feel it in my chest, it’s tight, constricting.

Actual panic.

#I think it had eyes

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Hold on now, don’t you think or it’s gone

I’ve been terrified of life for way too long

- Relient K, “Don’t Blink”, edited by me.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Hope. Throughout everything. Despite everything. I am full of hope.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

These are the days I hoped to reach one day. This is the future I had always been working towards.

Of course there always was this horrible nostalgia. This crippling desire for things to be as they were.

But, once you get used to how nothing will ever be the same again, the future seems rather inviting.

And I made it. I think. I’m safe, alive and happy; this is what I wanted.

#this is what I wanted.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

Usually it gets better, sometimes it gets worse.

But it will never be that bad again. That I know.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

These things might never leave me - they're as close as they can get

to a blueprint for the future - but you can call it fate.

It's like those days I had to write down almost every thought I had held,

so scared I was becoming of forgetting how it felt,

and these fears unraveled me that day,

but no longer am I afraid.

Just blessed - just to be, more or less.

Standing in the afterglow of ☒ with what of me is left.

- Emmy The Great, “Paper Forest”, edited by me.

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

There’s so much more to life than just surviving, you know?

[free-of-sticksnleaves]

You gotta have a life to end it

This shit is getting out of hand

Used to have a thing for praying

But G-d hasn’t saved me yet

Tommy wants a life in safety

Tommy has some dreams to plan

I drive to a new apartment

I'm gonna start over again

- Tom Delonge, “Suburban Kings”, edited by me.

#tom delonge #blog #diary