fightingmywayoutofthedarkness

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

Well, it was a good few months, now I'm back to not sleeping again with audition songs and scenes rolling around my head 🤦🏽‍♀️

#actually autistic #mental illness #musical theatre

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

It's official, I'm off to see Come from Away!! Eeeek. The first solo I ever sang in front of people was from this show. 😁😁

#come from away #self love #musical theatre #musical #musical theater

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

Migraine - 1

Myself - 0.

I had to admit defeat at dance tonight with just 10 minutes of the session to go. I haven't felt that bad so quickly in such a long time.

I have two shows this week. One which includes my first time singing on my own on a stage before others join me (YIKES). Why this week did my head decide to have one of the worst migraines I've had in such a long time. Hopefully, day 4 will be the end, so I can get through show no 1 tomorrow night with no problems..

At least I have Friday to hopefully sleep it off..

#migraine #actually autistic

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

'You have the personality of a pissed-off porcupine' is now one of my favourite insults. I never usually retain random lines so quickly, but that one just got me. 🤣

#things we never got over #actually autistic #self love #lucy score #books and reading

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

I treated myself to some VANS today. I never splash on myself, and I'll regret it in the morning.. but omg they were so comfy.

#actually autistic #self love

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

This week has been full of ups and downs, the latest being my face steamer breaking after 2 months. Whilst I have the start of a cold.

I decided to get a new one with the refund and omg the difference the nano ionic steamer made compared to a standard face steamer. I'm not really a girly girl, but steaming my face tonight to a meditation, I've not felt this relaxed in so long.

#actually autistic #self love #self care

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

I'm so stuck on watch TV series/movies to watch now! I've just finished the new Sex Education season.. I mean, I could just rewatch heartstopper and red white and royal blue for the third time.. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Or are there any book recommendations out there.. I need to get back into reading again.

#tv series #mental illness #musical theatre #lgbtq community #actually autistic #self love #books and reading #book recommendations

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

As an update, the house inspection went OK, I hate when my anxiety takes over so badly that I snap at anyone and anything.

Does life ever not throw curveball at you?

#actually autistic #mental illness #self love

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

I hate house inspections. It sends my OCD into a huge frenzy, and everyone says I overreact. Not helped by our landlord being incredibly picky. The last time she was here she came back because our clothes weren't put away that day 😞

#actually autistic #mental illness #actually ocd

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

✨🍂🎃october won't be a shit storm🎃🍂✨

like to charge, reblog to cast

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

I haven't written personally on here for a little while. The truth is I've been struggling. Today is my first birthday without my nan around. I think I've mentioned her before, but my nan shared some horrific experiences with me. We went through it together, and we got through the trauma of it together. She's was always my go-to person. She was always thinking of what I'd actually like rather than sssuming. She raced to be the first person to say happy birthday each year without fail.

Today there was no midnight message. I'm not a Cryer, but I dont think I've ever cried this much, this often. I have to go to dance in 10 minutes and I'm an absolute mess.

Here's to the last year of my 20s, and I hope you're proud of the person I've become nan.

Now im off to find last year's happy birthday message from you just to hear your voice 💔

#cpstd #dealing with grief #actually autistic #mental illness #grieving #tw grief

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

we could just stay here for a bit. heartstopper | 2.06 · truth / dare

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

I wish I knew how to get past self conflicting thoughts.

I think my work colleagues are discriminating against me at work, but they have no idea they're doing it.

This is going to be a long story.. I tend to ramble.. so please don't read on unless you don't mind babbling.

Long story short, if you don't want to read on. I should be enough. I shouldn't have to change myself for others to see me.

I used to think that work was everything. I thought of my work as my family. I never fit in anywhere. I've never had that school friendship group or even friends growing up. I taught dance. Every night after school. When I wasn't teaching, I was doing school work or dance competitions. I had strict bedtimes. If I overslept, I wasn't allowed wash. Growing up was rough. Life is still rough at times. I've never really processed the trauma, but that's not the point of this post. Sorry, I told you I ramble! Not a lot of help for us adults with mental health problems unless you act on those thoughts anyway, but if i did, it would be too late for help then. Oops, I should have put a trigger warning there, but why, it is the truth for most of us?

Anyway, right work, family blah blah. I never fit into work groups. I usually take lunch on my own, sit in the corner keep myself to myself. Noone at work tends to know me. Then I got into corporate law. Now they're drinkers, lunch times at the pub are a big thing.

One day, I got invited.. to the pub! Me? The person who's usually forgotten got an invite? Being the awkward person I am, obviously said yes, then yes, every time since. Because they invited me? I'm being included. This is new. I may sit there struggling to keep up with the conversation with no words coming out and my simple lemonade. I'm present, though. This was great for me. I was being included, I was appreciated for my work, I'm a bit of a control freak so I always know what's going on which works in law apparently.

Then Covid hit. I lost all of the social skills I taught myself growing up. I had to remind myself to say thank you whilst getting off the bus for christs sake. I found out how much easier it was not having to have a panic attack to get on the train or the physical pain from a fibro flair up walking to the office that day. I got diagnosed with autism. It took the practitioner 10 minutes to decide that I was autistic.

I was filled with self-doubt and anger. If it took them 10 minutes to know, how did everyone else in my life miss it?

Anyway, moving on, I told work as my college advised that at the time. Work told me to tell my team, everyone in my team. I thought well this must be the normal thing to do, so I did it. I emailed around explaining everything.

And i regret it ever since.

That day changed my whole career path. I was on to something good. Now, now I see that things have changed.

Roll on to the start of this year I threw myself out there for me. I started singing lessons to build my confidence, I jumped into a musical theatre group (I could spend 24/7 there and still not be bored). I joined the sister company for choir as I already knew some people. I've now restarted my dance putting the boundaries in place that I won't teach again unless it's on my terms. I've found my second home. I've found my family, outside of my 4 wall family (I love my partner and son, but God its nice to escape at times).

Now I know that this is how friendship should feel.

The theatre group were at the pub and they invited me. I said no a few times, then show week came, and I gave in. I went. No one judged my lemonade or asked why I wasn't drinking alcohol. I had ACTUAL conversations. It just flows, and omg, it's so easy. They never look at me as though I'm a freak, or I should just keep my mouth shut. I'm just. Me.

Anyway, roll on to this week. We were casually at the pub this Sunday, just a small group this week. We had some deep conversations about tricky work exits and racism, sexism, harassment bullying, you name it that we have experienced. It's hard to believe so much still happens, they were shocked I was told to hide my lesbian relationship in my first job to not hurt the male workers feelings or that I shouldn't give work to a male due to my age and sex. That guy actually put a complaint in against me!

I've digressed again.. anyway, I started talking about my current job and how I'm trying to work out why I'm having itchy feet at the moment when I felt I finally found my place. Their faces dropped when i mentioned I don't really go to client meetings or business development events. Not because I dont choose to, but because I'm never invited.

I didn't take it personally before, I always though it must be because the senior team filled the seats. That's ok.

Then they FINALLY hire someone to cover the secretary work so I could move on to my role without working two jobs.

GREAT, I thought. I've been swamped, working more hours than ever. My home life's got busier. I need a break.

Then the new secretary comes along. Within a month she's invited to join the netball team for the workplace. Why haven't I ever been asked? She's the invited to business events, why not me? I only get asked if someone dropped out at the last minute. I can't do last minute as I need time to process the event.

I started doubting myself, what am I doing wrong? I'm slowly not getting much work, I notice that they're giving paralegal work to her, and I'm getting the other stuff. I raised it and got told they will tell the team again. But why am I always fighting so damn hard for myself to be heard? I've had to fight for my role that I wasn't recognised for. I had to fight for equal pay, then when I was promoted I didn't even get a raise until I proved myself! I finally get a raise that's wiped straight out by a rent increase. But God, why do I have to fight for myself and my rights? Ive worked in employment law. I know my rights. But i thought of these people as my family.

If they saw this they would probably be shocked, but within a few weeks it will go back to as it was.

I feel like people see me as a robot at work, not a human. Yes, I have scripts and copy how others say things occasionally to try fit in. But how will I learn my socialising again unless I'm invited along? Things take time. But I'll get there, I did before.

I get work sent to me because they need it doing right first time round. I know they appreciate my work. And I'm damn good at my job if I do say so myself. The helpful thing of paying great attention to detail. They always said the team wouldn't function without *insert my name here*. I know they appreciate my work. But what about me as a person?

We spend most of our lives working. Shouldn't I be appreciated for that and for being me?

I can have conversations if people choose to listen and learn about my interests for once. I'm not a typical drinker and sports person. I can't sit and watch sports for hours and report back. But I'd happily play something. I like to be on the going and moving.

I like being me.

I'm finally finding myself again. It's taken almost 29 years, but I dont want to turn back now.

Should I be enough just being me, myself, and I?

Thank you if you got this far. I struggle getting to the point.

#actually autistic #self love #mental illness #musical theatre #lgbtq community #legal worker #paralegals #be yourself #i should be enough #stop discriminating #actually cptsd #theatre kid #daily rant #i am more than just a mother #i am more than just an employee #more than meets the eye

[fightingmywayoutofthedarkness]

A few months ago, my headaches started coming back as they did when I was a child. Last week, I had a migraine so bad it impacted my speech, and I finally saw the gp again. I've had a slight headache since, and now waiting for a referral for further investigation.

Nobody ever really notices when I'm not right, not unless I expressly state it. I guess that's one of the *fun* sides of having no friends. Today, someone asked and said "oh it must be scary for you." I hadn't really thought about it. Headaches have always been a part of my life.

I just can't wait to get back to swimming without my eyes blacking out and going dizzy from one length.

#headaches #migraines #actually autistic