I have a very low tolerance for stupidity.... unfortunately for everyone else I take up most of my tolerance.
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How to tell if your on the wrong medicine. Is the salad talking to you? Yes. Then your on the wrong pills.
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I have been told I march to the beat of my own drum. To bad it happens to be that it's falling down stairs.
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nurse at 6 am waking me up: Good morning
Me still asleep: Not sure yet check with me around 11:30
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I've spent the past week in the hospital for a mental tuneup. What have I missed.
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I don't understand how doctors have made so many breakthroughs with very serious diseases but when it comes to mental disorders it's " We'll let's try this pill and see what it does."
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tthis is one of my favorite memories of my grandma
Grandma's friend: Your granddaughter is absolutely gorgeous. You know I have a grandson her age.
Grandma: I'm going to stop you right there, your grandson is such a sweet boy.
Grandma's friend: Are you saying my grandson isn't good enough for your granddaughter.
Grandma: No I'm saying she will make him cry.
Grandma's friend looked at me
Grandma's friend: Are you a heart braker?
Grandma: No she'll do it on purpose.
Me: Then I'll probably point and laugh.
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I laughed way harder than i should've this post had everything
i love cutthroat kitchen but bingewatching makes it really stand out how often alton brown refers to himself as ‘daddy’ and makes contestants wear spreader bars
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Why is it whenever you're having the best dream you only remember pieces but nightmares you remember all the bullshit
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Thank you
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Seriously how the fuck do I turn off these FUCKING POP UPS... no asshole I'm checking out memes I don't want to post shit
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I did hiss at people... still do
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I've done that more times then I can count
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Matt: step 1 be smarter then what your working with
Step 2 proceed with caution
Me: is there an alternative to step 1
Matt: No
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(my mom was on the phone complaining about me going to Finland for a month when I was 25)
Me: Mom right now you are a 10 year old in a pervert's van. You can kick and scream all you want but eventually you're gonna lose.
Mom: that's the most fucked up thing you've said to me in a while.
Coworkers that over heard: what the fuck have you said to your mother?
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