deeevya

[deeevya]

Drip.

(( Drip ))

Drip.

An ulterior shimmer of red and yellow street light makes its way past shabby mesh A helter-skelter mosaic dances on the jugate wall to the sound of ooze.

(Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder)

My hands have holes for lines everything falls each time they learn to hold.

3 years old I fully wrapped my five fingers around one of his

I held the closest thing I knew to safety

warmest thing around my fists.

Their bed was forever to have one pillow ( I still remember he took one with him that day and the pair of his pants and couple of his shirts ,thrown into his car. Never said goodbye)

My hands were never to stretch both way again.

I held closest thing I knew to safety.

.everything I hold slips away.

6 yrs old it was my birthday woke up to her sobbing at the edge of bed ,rope hanging with fan.

No words learnt by then felt right to say I forgot how to speak , I just held her.

Held her til I fell asleep til she fell asleep

til her almost burnt bones learn how to be bones again

til mine learnt what being bones meant

Held her for several years.

I held but she kept slipping she kept falling I kept falling we kept falling.

Held her for several years.

Held her til our bones learnt what breaking meant.

12 years old holding breathe til I choke opened eyes to bloody thighs ,

Marked by numb razor nails of my hollow hazy hands

(hold yourself when noone else does ,hold yourself cause noone else will )

Well , I did

I did til the blood seeped back into the cuts

I did til the flesh from wounds rotted under my nails

I did til my nails became blades til sadness became silence

I did til cuts were covered under cuts til cuts were buried under cuts

I did til I lost count

The other warmest thing was my own touch and I held me til it burnt me, I fell through these useless hands

I held me and I kept falling.

(hold yourself when noone else does,hold yourself cause noone else will)

but what if your body starts hating your hands

How do you hold your flesh together when all it has seen is them fighting to fall apart!??

Been months since ive picked and dropped razor every other night

I held with wall kissed knuckles,running heartbeat my shivering and broken voice

I held my screams remnants of my might

I did with every blood in my flesh

But I never fell apart i swear I didnt

My calls for help fell ,scattered on cracked tiles.

Last night she asked why I admire peoples hands so much I think its because mine are cursed.everything falls apart each time they learn to hold.

Ive been holding.

Ive been falling.

~01/01/22

[deeevya]

I lie down at my bed at night , maybe the last tine ill ever see darkness. I make sure that everything arounds me exist only in memories. And I think incessantly bout the truths and lies ive ever heard or made by myself ,truths that are truths and lies that are lies but I keep thinking about them in an endless cycle. Ive had already wandered off some places that I didnt intend to reach. And only thats where ik this night isn't my last because its just the same as all others.

#poets on tumblr #poetry #poem #happy 2022 #depressing poem