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[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 32 / Previously

YOU – “I thought there might be a mysterious sexy twist.”

KIM – “Like a Dick Mullen novel? Perhaps the crime was committed by a smoking hot dame in a slinky red dress?” He’s remembering your reaction to that particular cover back in the bookshop.

YOU – “Hey, now you’ve got the spirit! That’s what I’m talking about!”

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – A healthy reaction, brother-in-arms! And you know what else is sexy?

YOU – What?

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – These thigh muscles. Just look at them.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – It’s true. They’re practically glowing. His over-developed quadriceps are the central focus of the image.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – There’s your sexy twist. You get to admire those legs on your desk while you write your case report.

RHETORIC – The other sexy twist is silently bragging about your own endowment every time you use this mug.

——— The Next Day ———

YOU – In the morning, you enter the coffee corner and fill your newly found mug nearly to the brim with dark brew. You take a sip.

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – Bitter, sludgy, life-giving elixir of the gods!

INLAND EMPIRE – This primordial soup contains the seeds of life to jumpstart your brain. It will give you the fortitude to get that case report written at last.

PERCEPTION – Hjelmdallermugg rests comfortably in your hand, ready to conquer the day.

YOU – The blank case report forms lie on your desk, untouched. They should have been filled out yesterday, if you hadn’t gotten distracted by the missing mug. You sit down and stare at the intimidatingly empty form.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Case reports follow a simple format. Start with the basics of where you were, when it happened, who was there, and what occurred. Martinaise, Terminal B, the back yard of the Whirling in Rags. The fourth of March of this year. Then describe the most important elements. A hanged man. A false confession. A shootout.

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – A shootout? Sounds boring. Where are the swords? The maces and crossbows? The thundering warhorses? That’s what you really need for a good story.

DRAMA – Sire, the barbarian speaks true! Go on, add a few embellishments to your report. Perhaps there was a fair maiden who needed to be rescued. Who’s to say it didn’t really happen?

LOGIC – Well, Kim for one. He was there. He knows what happened and what didn’t.

PERCEPTION – Speaking of Kim, he’s approaching you now. There’s something in his hand.

KIM – He hands you a well-worn paperback. It’s the first In System book. “I thought you might like to borrow this,” he says. “I know you’re only a fan of the most obscure ones. But sometimes it’s nice to return to the classics, don’t you think?”

YOU – “Wow, thanks Kim! I’m looking forward to reading it! Um, for like the fifth time, I mean.”

KIM – “Mmhm. I’m sure you are.” His eyebrow quirks slightly, as does the corner of his mouth, as if he’s trying to keep back a laugh. “Don’t forget you need to let me borrow that one you really like… what was it called? I am a Screaming Radiocomputer?”

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Oh shit, he hasn’t forgotten about that. Alright. It’s fine. He’s given you the raw material to start from. You’ve got this.

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – Worry not, my friend! You have my sword, my strength, and most of all, my ideas!

——— FIN ———

#the case of the missing swordsman #it's over! #thanks for playing everyone! #sorry it took so long to post this last installment #i got hit with some late-game indecisive writers block #long post

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 31 / Previously

YOU – “Oh, I’m definitely keeping this mug.”

PRYCE – He shrugs. “Suit yourself. But at least try to be a little more professional around the station, won’t you? Take a few cues from Lieutenant Kitsuragi here.” He nods in Kim’s direction. Kim’s ears go red.

GOTTLIEB – He gives you and Kim a curt nod, then turns to Pryce. “Let’s go. Camille’s Ice Cream Shoppe closes in half an hour.”

YOU – After they leave, you turn to Kim. “Well, case closed, I suppose.”

KIM – “But was this ever really a case, detective?”

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Shit, he’s right! You didn’t even think to write it in your ledger. You had a great name picked out and everything. The Case of the Missing Swordsman! All of the intrigue and none of the facts.

YOU – “The whole thing was kind of anticlimactic, now that you mention it.”

KIM – “Oh? What were you expecting?”

YOU – 

“I thought I’d have a chance to do one of those big scenes that Dick Mullen always does. You know… ‘I suppose you’re wondering why I gathered you all here,’ that sort of thing.”

“I thought I might get to punch Jean. Might be fun… for me… and for you to watch…”

“I thought there might be a mysterious sexy twist.”

“I thought I might get to execute someone, preferably by sword.”

YOU – Hang on, shouldn’t I have a feminist option in there? Maybe something about how I could have made more brilliant points about feminist perspectives on Hjelmdallermann?

CONCEPTUALIZATION – No, sorry. Your inexplicable feminist agenda talking points have been completely exhausted.

#the case of the missing swordsman #okay only one more after this! #i can't believe it's almost over!

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 30 / Previously

YOU – “If you didn’t do it, do you know who did?”

PRYCE – “Oh for fuck’s sake, Du Bois, I threw it out.”

YOU – “Captain Pryce! It was you all along? How did I miss it?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS – The coffee corner. Last night. Pryce and Gottlieb are the last ones left in C-Wing. Pryce washes his coffee mug, dries it, and replaces it in the cabinet. He pauses a moment, then takes the Man from Hjelmdall mug. “Du Bois really lost his memory, eh?” he asks Gottlieb. “He appears to have lost most of it, yes,” Gottlieb replies. “And I’m in no position to say how much will return.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Pryce picks up the Man from Hjelmdall mug. “He’ll never miss it,” he says. Downstairs, he drops it into the trash as he and Gottlieb walk through the garage. That’s one irritation gone, he thinks to himself.

YOU – That’s great, but where were you with that a few hours ago?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Where were you with the speed a few hours ago?

PRYCE – The captain sighs. “To be honest, I’ve always hated that mug. I didn’t think you’d notice it was gone. But I suppose it doesn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. So you might as well keep it.”

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – Keep me close. Us zweihander owners need to stick together.

YOU – Everyone’s chiming in at the last minute now, huh?

MAN FROM HJELMDALL MUG – What, did you think I was the strong and silent type all the time?

YOU – Should I ask Kim what he thinks?

SAVOIR FAIRE – If you want to put him on the spot in front of his new boss on his first day, sure. Good luck getting an honest answer under those circumstances.

#the case of the missing swordsman #congrats to the one person who commented they thought it was pryce! #and the like 7% of you who voted for him

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The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 29 / Previously

YOU – “I think Gottlieb did it. Or Jean. But probably Gottlieb.”

KIM – “Oh? And why is that?” Despite himself, he’s gotten a little invested in the outcome of this case.

YOU – “I rummaged around inside his head and found my mug in there. He knew it was in a trash bin, which makes him a likely suspect for putting it there. Plus, he has weird vibes and he’s kind of an asshole.”

KIM – “Detective, if being an asshole with weird vibes was grounds for arrest, we wouldn’t have time to do anything else.” He pauses as something strikes him. “You… rummaged around in his head? I hope that’s a metaphor.” He’s worked with you long enough to know it isn’t.

YOU – “Well, I had to do something during that long boring meeting. Anyway–“

REACTION SPEED – Your words are cut short as the door bangs open.

INLAND EMPIRE – Speak of the devil. Gottlieb walks through the door, followed by Pryce.

YOU – “Well, well, well. So the criminal returns to the scene of the crime.” You hold up the mug in a gesture of accusatory triumph.

GOTTLIEB – “Who, me? Don’t be ridiculous, Du Bois. Do you think I care about a coffee mug? I’m too busy ungluing the eyelids of all the geniuses who work here.”

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 28 / Previously

YOU – Could the culprit be… Kim??

VISUAL CALCULUS – Kim’s eyesight is weak. Isn’t is suspicious that he was the one to spot the mug, rather than you? It’s almost like he already knew it was there.

LOGIC – What’s the timeline here? This is Kim’s first visit to the station. You discovered your mug missing before he arrived. Your theory implies he's already been here and he’s been concealing his familiarity with the station this entire time.

EMPATHY – Plus, what’s his motive? He doesn’t even hate the mug. He thinks it’s funny.

AUTHORITY – That is not the type of mug an upstanding officer should be carrying around. He thought he was doing you a favor.

VOLITION – This theory makes absolutely no sense.

DRAMA – So? Since when has that mattered?

ESPRIT DE CORPS – There are still other suspects to consider. Maybe the lieutenant has some theories.

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 27 / Previously

YOU – “I’m sorry, women.” You bow your head in apology. There are no women in this garage, so you direct your apology towards the trash bin over which you still stand. It remains silent, although out of respect or indifference, it’s hard to say.

KIM – Kim looks at you and shakes his head in confusion. “You can get a different mug, you know,” he says.

LOGIC – It’s not a bad idea.

ENDURANCE – And give up on Hjelmdallermann? Never!

REACTION SPEED – You’ve recovered your mug, but there’s still the matter of who took it in the first place. Who’s your prime suspect?

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 26 / Previously

YOU – Oh my god, this mug was a dick joke this entire time!

RHETORIC – Ask me about my other zweihander? This joke implies that your member is so large it requires two hands.

LOGIC – Oh, come on. It’s big, but it’s not that big.

AUTHORITY – The mug speaks the truth. The truth must be heard.

RHETORIC – It’s gonna be real hard to put a feminist spin on this one.

KIM – The lieutenant has noticed you staring in shocked silence at the mug in your hands. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you glad you found it? In one piece and everything?”

YOU – You hold up the mug so Kim can see what’s written on it.

KIM – The lieutenant barely stifles a snort of laughter when he reads it. “Well then,” he says. “That was not what I was expecting to see.”

YOU –

“Sure, laugh now. You won’t be laughing when I get dragged to a war crimes tribunal at the feminist underground.” (Glower at his lack of respect for women)

“I’m sorry, women.” (Bow your head in apology to all women everywhere)

“It’s funny, right? What if I told you it wasn’t a joke?” (Use The Expression)

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

just found your pollfic blog this morning, read thru all the posts and ohmygod this is so funny and spectacular and entertaining. i love it!! the writing!!! 💝💕 oof. i can tell it’s near its end, so i’m curious if you plan on doing more of these? or is it just a one-time experiment

thanks so much! what i'd really like to do is take what i've written and flesh it out into a fully interactive game using this narrative game framework. the amount of writing i'd have to do to make it work is kind of intimidating though, so i'm considering running a second playthrough on here where the only choices available are the ones that *didn't* win the first time around. the structure of daily(ish) posts has been pretty good for me to stay motivated enough to keep writing!

#ask #interactive fiction

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 25 / Previously

YOU – “Holy fucking shit, Kim! You’re a brilliant detective!”

KIM – “I’m not sure that spotting a mug on top of some trash is what I’d call my finest detective work, but thank you nonetheless.” He inclines his head in acceptance of the honor you have bestowed upon him.

YOU – You reach in and pull the mug out of the trash.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – There he is, in all his glory. Hjelmdallermann, leaping through the air in front of a burning city. His muscles bulge with firey rage.

ENDURANCE – In each hand, he holds a zweihander. A mere mortal would need two hands for each of those swords! He is truly the pinnacle of masculine power.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – You feel your testosterone levels rise just looking at him.

RHETORIC – In a feminist way. Where it makes you respect women even more.

YOU – You turn the mug over. What’s this? There’s something printed on the other side.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) – The slogan the back side reads: ASK ME ABOUT MY OTHER ZWEIHANDER.

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 24 / Previously

YOU – “Did it seem like I was about to punch Jean? I thought about it, but didn’t do it. Do you think I would have won?”

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – You twitch your biceps a little, right then left, bang-bang!

REACTION SPEED – He definitely noticed. You can tell by how deliberately he looks away.

KIM – “Well, in a hypothetical scenario where we weren’t at work, and it wasn’t your *own* satellite-officer you were fighting? I’d put my money on you, detective.”

Morale Healed +1000

YOU – The two of you walk down the steps into the garage. The dim lights flicker overhead. The sweet smell of industrial solvents and petrol lingers in the air. Several motor carriages are parked in neat rows. The Kineema, freshly washed and waxed, stands out from the rest.

YOU – “Hey, remember that headlight upgrade you were talking about? Maybe we could…”

KIM – But the lieutenant isn’t paying attention. He’s looking into the garbage can to his left. “Detective, is that…”

YOU – You look in. There it is. Warm red and orange. Laying on top of the old oil cans and rags that fill the bin. Humbled but unbroken. Your coffee mug.

YOU – 

“Hjelmdallermann! I’ve found you at last!”

(Let out a wordless battle cry)

(Perform a celebratory series of swipes in the air as if you were double-wielding two zweihanders.)

“Holy fucking shit, Kim! You’re a brilliant detective!”

#the case of the missing swordsman

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ahhhh crabs! holy shit, no one's ever sent me crabs before! thank you thank you! <3

#crabs crabs crabs! #can't wait to unleash my crab friends on my dashboard

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 23 / Previously

YOU – “Sorry Jean, no time to fight today!” You dart around him where he stands. Defeated, he makes no attempt to stop you from dashing through the doorway. Kim’s words took the fight right out of him. You briefly consider landing a friendly slap on his ass, a little ‘hey, no hard feelings!’ love tap. But you think better of it. Doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood.

YOU – You bound down the stairs, taking them two at a time. You skid to a stop in front of the lines bathroom and pull on the handle. Locked! Mack must have gotten it working after all. You pound on the door. “Hey!” you shout. “Stop sucking dick in there! What if someone needed to do a line right now, huh?” You don’t bother to wait for a response before running to your next stop.

KIM – You’re rattling the locked door of Gottlieb’s office when you hear footsteps behind you. You turn and see the lieutenant. “I’m leaving now,” he says.

REACTION SPEED – The door to the motor pool is at the end of this hallway.

COMPOSURE – You know what? This mug quest can wait a few minutes. Let’s see Kim off first.

YOU – “You’re leaving? Let me walk you to your car.”

“Sorry about everything that happened back there. It’s not usually like this.”

“Sorry about everything that happened back there. I’d say it’s not usually like this but that would be a lie.”

“By the way, are you telling me you’re not a fan of the lines bathroom? Lieutenant, I’m shocked!” (Nudge him in the ribs with your elbow.)

“Did it seem like I was about to punch Jean? I thought about it, but didn’t do it. Do you think I would have won?” (Flex your biceps. See if he notices. You’re wearing a mesh tank top and no jacket so it should be hard to miss.)

“Are you sure you don’t want a tour of the rest of the station? I remembered we have a morgue. Might be fun to go there and contemplate our own mortality…”

#the case of the missing swordsman

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The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 22 / Previously

YOU – “You think I’m wrong? I’ll prove it. I’ll go find my mug in the trash right now.”

JEAN – He crosses his arms. “Fine. Prove it then.”

YOU – You shoot him a look and walk to the nearest trash bin. Nothing in here but paper. The second bin, on the opposite side of the bullpen, yields the same result. Jean is beginning to look smug as you enter the bathroom – the functional one, without a hole drilled through the stall – to check the third bin. You leave empty-handed. The fourth bin, by the exit, has something heavy in the bottom that almost makes you get your hopes up. It turns out to be a half-eaten sandwich.

PERCEPTION – On the bright side, you didn’t get any sauce on you this time.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – That’s it for the bins on this floor. But there’s still the first floor to check, with the lines bathroom, requisitions, and Gottlieb’s office. Plus the motor pool and stables on the ground floor. The morgue in the basement if you really want to be thorough. You’re not even close to done.

YOU - That’s so many locations! How long is it going to take me to check all those places, literal days?

INLAND EMPIRE – Don’t worry. You’re close to finding it now. You can sense it.

JEAN – “See? You’re making shit up again. It’s not here. Give it a rest.” He stands in front of the exit, arms crossed and feet planted.

YOU – “I’m not done yet. I’m going to check downstairs.”

JEAN – Jean puts up a hand, barring your way. “Good god, man, enough already!“ He’s about to launch into a tirade, but stops as unexpected sound reaches both your ears. Kim is laughing. You and Jean look at each other, taken aback.

YOU – “Kim, are you okay?”

KIM – He pulls himself together with some effort. “Oh yes, I’m fine. In fact, I think I get it now.”

JEAN – Jean glances at you before responding. You shrug. “Get what, lieutenant?” Jean asks.

KIM – “You’re all like this at this station. There’s a bathroom that exists only for doing drugs. Instead of working, Harry here will spend all morning chasing down a missing coffee mug.” He turns to Jean. “You could leave him to it, but no, you’ll get involved, too. And why not. Why not take up everyone’s time and waste station resources with a maniacal quest.”

JEAN – Jean looks at the floor, ashamed. Kim’s words have cut him to the bone.

KIM – “So go ahead. Please, continue your fight. Don’t let me hold you back. I’m sure I’ll be dealing with plenty of this in the days to come. An excellent introduction to Precinct 41, officers.”

RHETORIC – Harsh words. But a part of him really does want to see this fight happen. The lieutenant has already absorbed a bit of the madness here. Must be something in the air.

YOU – 

(You heard the man. Throw a punch at Jean!)

(You heard the man. Stop this nonsense and get back to work.)

(You heard the man but you choose to ignore him. Go downstairs and check those trash bins immediately.)

#the case of the missing swordsman

[dashboard-elysium]

auggghh that was the hardest choice yet, how could you tell us “you can tell Jean to fuck off BUT you’re making Kim uncomfortable” and expect people to choose?? that’s the impossible choice meme! I am perishing! just imagining this entire scene from Kim’s perspective is killing me with secondhand embarrassment. thank you.

cackling and rubbing my hands together in evil glee as i read this

#ask

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 21 / Previously

YOU – You point at Trant and shout: “Trant! Did you steal my Man from Hjelmdall mug?”

ESPRIT DE CORPS – The special consultant draws back, alarmed. So do Judit and Kim. On the other side of the room, Satellite Officer Vicquemare’s head pops up from his desk like a jack-in-the-box. You really didn’t need to raise your voice that loudly.

TRANT – He flushes red. “What? Of course not! Why on earth would you think that?”

LOGIC – No reason. None whatsoever.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Lieutenant Kitsuragi wonders how he can leave without making a big deal of it. If this argument continues, he’s going to try to slip away unnoticed. Across the room, Vicquemare has thrown down the file he was reading. He’s striding across the room towards you, long legs closing the distance quickly.

JEAN – “What the hell is going on here? Why are you shouting at our special consultant?”

YOU – “Jean, I’ve gotta find my mug. It’s killing me. I’ve been searching all morning.”

JEAN – “Oh for fuck’s sake! Look at Trant. Just look at him.” He flings an arm toward Trant, who shuffles his feet uncomfortably. He’s dressed in a rumpled brown suit. There’s a fresh ink stain on his pocket. Jean continues, “Of everyone in this station, do you really think Trant is the one who’d want a Hjelmdallermann mug?”

RHETORIC – You never know. Now that you’ve invoked the name, Trant has an intellectual argument on the subject locked and loaded. Ready to deploy as soon as Jean stops talking.

YOU – “Someone in this station stole the mug and then discarded it. The motive must have been something other than wanting to own it for themselves.”

JEAN – “They threw it away? How do you know? Did you find it?” It’s clear he doesn’t believe any of this. Or maybe he doesn’t care.

YOU – “I haven’t found it yet, but I know it’s in one of these bins. I’ve got a hunch. I’m going to recover it and bring the culprit to justice.”

JEAN – “A hunch? Bullshit. Enough of this clown routine. Let the mug go and let these poor people get back to work.”

AUTHORITY – Are you going to let him talk to you like that? You outrank him. He’s your satellite.

EMPATHY – Be careful. Think of the impression you’re giving the lieutenant. The entire time you’ve been talking, he’s been slowly backing away from the group.

RHETORIC – Take the gentleman’s approach. Prove him wrong.

YOU – 

(Get in his face) “Fuck you, Jean. When I get a hunch like this, I’m always right, and you know it.”

“Whatever. I need to get back to Kim’s tour anyway.”

“You think I’m wrong? I’ll prove it. I’ll go find my mug in the trash right now.”

#the case of the missing swordsman #long post

[dashboard-elysium]

The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 20 / Previously

KIM – “You’ve read In System?” He’s trying to play it cool but a piece of him is just a little bit excited.

YOU – “Of course. My favorite book is I am a Radiocomputer and I Must Scream.”

JUDIT – “What a title! I don’t think I’ve heard of that one.”

KIM – “Are you sure that’s from In System?”

RHETORIC – You know what they say. When you find yourself in a hole, keep digging.

YOU – “I only like the most obscure In System books. The popular ones just don’t do it for me. That’s how into the series I am.”

KIM – “I see.” He raises an eyebrow. “You’ll have to loan it to me some time. Since, as a true fan, I’m sure you own a copy.”

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Okay, this is fine. You’ll just need to write a novel, get someone to illustrate the cover, get it professionally printed, and give it to him. That’s really your only solution at this point.

TRANT – Fortunately, any more questions about your knowledge of In System are cut short as Trant walks up and greets Kim enthusiastically.

TRANT – “Did I hear you talking about In System? You know, when I was consulting for the Wompty Dompty Dom Centre, the author gave a lecture there. The Centre was completely packed. The talk was fascinating. Do you know, some of the ideas in his books are based on the latest theories of entroponetic scientists? Highly fictionalized of course, but…”

COMPOSURE – Oh no. We’re going to be here all day if you let him keep going.

HALF LIGHT – Time to shake things up. Start throwing out wild accusations. Evidence? You don’t need that!

YOU – 

Point at him and shout: “Trant! Did you steal my Man from Hjelmdall mug?”

“I know the lieutenant here would love to hear all about those theories. I’ll be back after I check a few trash bins real quick.”

“Quite fascinating, I’m sure, but what do you think about other franchises? Like Hjelmdallermann, to pick an example completely at random.”

#the case of the missing swordsman

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The Case of the Missing Swordsman / Post 19 / Previously

YOU – “You’re right. My new thing will be In System.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS – The lieutenant’s head swivels around. It’s almost as if his ears have perked up.

COMPOSURE – Careful, Harry. How are you going to play this? Like you’ve already read these books? You haven’t. But he might be impressed if you can drop some facts that make it sound like you have.

ENDURANCE – Even if you make In System your new thing, you’re still going to be hung up on Hjelmdallermann for a while. At least until you locate your mug and the culprit. Your detective brain demands it.

KIM – “You’ve read In System?” He’s trying to play it cool but a piece of him is just a little bit excited.

COMPOSURE – Shit, shit! What are you going to do, Harry?

DRAMA – Simply exercise your creative powers and make up a plausible title, sire!

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Sci-fi is all about making things up. How hard can it be? One of these might even be real!

#the case of the missing swordsman