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damn-i-ship-it · 7 hours
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people who think kids are stupid have clearly never once had to attempt to get through explaining a set of safety rules and expectations to a group of them. lawyers wish they had the falcon's eye for loopholes, technicalities, and potential exceptions that the average 3rd grader possesses.
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damn-i-ship-it · 10 hours
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I’ve been on tumblr for almost 13 years and I refuse to know what homestuck is about
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damn-i-ship-it · 2 days
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For Love of the Princess: A Sleeping Beauty Retelling
The court was leaving. A colorful parade of nobles in richly-embroidered robes, with bright banners flying, were abandoning the palace with the king and queen.
And leaving Princess Aurora behind.
"We've no choice, dear," the queen had told her daughter in tears the evening before. "The whole palace will sleep when the curse falls. We've a duty to our people. We can't abandon the kingdom for a hundred years."
Princess Aurora, who'd been fairy-gifted with grace and compassion, had sweetly said she understood.
Margaret, who had no such gifts, thought the queen deserved to have her eyes pecked out by birds.
All of Aurora's ladies-in-waiting had talked late into the night--had been working over the problem for weeks as Aurora's sixteenth birthday drew ever closer with no chance of averting the curse. They had planned and theorized, but all decided at last that there was only one thing to do. They were, to a woman, going to stay with the princess. A hundred years would pass while they slept. They would wake to a strange world where everyone they knew was dead and gone. But not for all the gold in the kingdom would they abandon Aurora to face such a world alone.
Now they stood together at the palace gate. Anne, the eldest of them, with strands of gray in her hair, who had been lady to the queen before coming to serve the princess. Lydia, younger even than Aurora, fair and tall and full of energy. Celia, little, sweet and copper-haired, only a year older than Aurora. Margaret herself--tallest and most practical, with wisps of golden-brown curls fluttering in the wind. And exactly in the center, Princess Aurora, with her fairy-gifted beauty that outshone the sun itself. Margaret had come to view these girls as sisters, but as they watched the courtiers leave, she suddenly realized they were all the family she was going to have--that any of them were going to have--for the rest of her life.
When the last face, the last horse, the last banner, disappeared over the horizon, all five of the women stepped back inside the palace walls.
And were immediately faced with a problem.
"Which one of us is going to close the gate?" Celia asked, gazing up at the wicked-looking portcullis. None of them had ever touched the winch-and-chain that moved it. Who knew if they'd even have the strength to? Five women staying alone in a castle for a hundred years could not leave the palace gate open for any passing brigand to come through.
With a groan and a rattle, the chain moved, the portcullis lowered, and the metal bars fell to the ground with a bone-rattling thump.
All of the women screamed.
Had the curse come upon them already? Were they to be trapped here for a hundred years, never to escape? Margaret's heart raced--she hadn't realized how suffocating the palace would seem.
A man stepped out of the guardhouse. He wore the livery of the palace guard and had the first whispers of a mustache on his upper lip. He bowed to the princess and her ladies.
"My apologies, ladies," he said, in a baritone that sounded surprisingly deep for one who appeared barely old enough for that facial hair. "I did not intend to startle you."
He looked young and strong of limb. He carried himself with the dignity and grace of a much older man--had something in the eyes that made him seem wiser than his years.
Aurora gave a deep royal nod. "We thank you for your service. If we could know the name of our servant?"
He bowed crisply. "William of Avenroth, your highness."
Aurora gave her sweetest smile. "We are pleased to know you, and we beg your forgiveness for our outburst. We had thought ourselves alone in the palace."
"You are alone, your highness," William said. "Everyone left, save for me."
"You did not wish to escape the curse?"
William bowed again. "I have a duty, your highness, to protect the princess. All other considerations fade before that calling."
"Some would say such devotion goes far beyond duty," the princess said.
Serenely, he said, "Perhaps it does, your highness."
Aurora opened her mouth, then closed it. She bowed her head. "I am grateful for your loyalty, William."
She turned back toward the palace, and her beautiful face was pensive.
As Margaret and the other ladies followed Aurora back toward the palace, Aurora asked, "Ought I to send him away?"
"Send him away?" Anne yelped. "Why?"
Aurora hushed her, looking back over her shoulder. "I can not ask him to risk the curse for my sake."
"You haven't sent any of us away," Lydia pointed out.
"You all know me well," Aurora said. "He barely knows me."
How little Aurora understood her power. She was princess of the realm, fairy gifted, bright and shining. No person who saw her ever forgot her.
"He has served you from his boyhood, highness," Margaret said. "Though you do not know him, he is quite familiar with you."
Anne said, "He chose to stay, just as we did."
"It is not fair," Aurora said, "for all of you to give up your lives because of my curse."
Margaret said, "It's not fair that you were cursed. You did not choose it--but we can choose to love you. Let him make that same choice."
Aurora stopped, tears in her eyes. "Never has a princess had such true friends. I am afraid I can never be grateful enough."
She embraced each of them in turn, all of them caught between laughter and tears. Then she turned back toward the guard and invited him inside for supper.
#
In the Great Hall--now echoing and cavernous in its emptiness--they made a merry birthday supper, rejoicing over the coming of the princess' sixteenth year, and not letting themselves think about the doom that came with it. The king and queen, though not staying to celebrate the day, had left a celebratory meal behind them--roasts and fruit and cakes and punch.
Margaret had been afraid that the guard William would be out of place among them, but he blended in with ease. He was quiet, respectful, courteous, seeming to enjoy being in their presence, not minding being on the outside of their shared jokes. He helped to serve the meal, even brought some of Aurora's favorite treats from the palace stores, pointing out that they would not last the hundred years. Aurora was gracious, and, as the night went on, genuinely warm. She smiled at William with the smile she reserved for her friends, even drew him into private conversation once or twice.
Despite her assurances to Aurora, Margaret couldn't figure out why William stayed. Margaret had noticed him at the palace, had seen him serving with distinction. He was loyal, dutiful, diligent--but a man didn't become the only guard in the entire palace to risk a hundred-year curse out of duty.
It puzzled her, but she had to admit that she was glad for his presence. Having another person there made the world seem not so small.
The next day was a tense one. No spindles had been seen in the palace since the day the princess had been cursed, but curses had a way of making themselves come true. Margaret and all of Aurora's ladies stayed with her, trying to keep up her spirits and keep watch for any stray spinning wheels. William kept watch at the gates, hoping that he could fend off any evil that might try to approach from outside.
The sun was nearly below the horizon when Margaret and the other ladies followed Aurora into her room in the castle's highest tower. They all sat beside the window, watching the sinking sun, waiting for the moment when the day would end and the danger--so long feared--might pass by forever.
The last sliver of sun sank below the horizon, and all the ladies gave a sigh of relief.
"Could it be over?" Celia asked, with suppressed joy.
"Perhaps the king's plans worked," said Lydia.
Margaret could not shake a sense of foreboding. "The sun is gone, but there's still light in the sky."
Anne rose angrily. The shawl she'd been desperately knitting all day fell to the floor. "We've only a few minutes! What more could happen?"
The ladies began to quarrel--everyone's nerves were tight after the tension of the day.
Aurora rose--quietly, gracefully, but her movements attracted every eye. "Girls, let's not quarrel."
She reached beneath her bed to pick up the ball of yarn that had rolled away from Anne's knitting. "Oh!" she said in surprise, drawing her hand back. "I think I found your knitting needle, Anne."
She drew back the ruffle at the base of the bed. Beneath, they saw, not a knitting needle, but the shining, wicked point of a drop spindle.
Aurora fell onto the bed--lost in a deep sleep.
There were tears, gasps, shrieks--but they fell to work. Margaret could already feel sleep pressing down upon her, but she urged the girls to move quickly. They lifted Aurora fully onto the bed, arranged her limbs to lie flat, put pillows under her head, and covered her with blankets. If their beloved princess was to sleep for a hundred years, they could make sure she was comfortable while she did it.
Celia was the first to drop, falling to the floor in a deep swoon. Margaret placed a pillow beneath her head, and then did the same for Anne when she fell asleep at the foot of Aurora's bed. Lydia fell almost on top of Aurora, and Margaret moved her so she was stretched across blankets on the floor.
All this time, Margaret's eyelids drooped, her limbs became heavy, and her head split with yawns. She fought the curse as long as she could, trying to arrange a hundred years' worth of comforts in a few moments. But at last, even her will could not overcome the magic. Her legs gave out, and she crumpled to the floor, with half her body draped across the foot of Aurora's bed.
Her last thought as she fell into a hundred years of sleep was that she'd have such a backache when she woke.
#
Margaret woke to a world covered in dust. She scraped it off her face, shook it off her hands, brushed it from her dress and hair. Around her, the other ladies were waking with similar ablutions.
Aurora's chairs, wardrobe, dressing table, even Anne's abandoned half-finished shawl, were all covered in dust. The windows were covered with rose bushes, so Margaret couldn't see what a century had wrought upon the world outside. On the bed, the other girls were clearing the dust off of Aurora--but Aurora remained fast asleep.
"I don't understand," Celia said, as the hours dragged by with no sign of Aurora's waking. "We're all awake."
"The hundred years has passed," Margaret said. "But the princess has to be woken by a kiss of true love."
"Where's that supposed to come from?" Anne asked. "Any suitors the princess had will be dead and gone by now."
"Maybe one came from this century," Lydia suggested. "It's possible some brave prince grew up with the stories and came to save the sleeping princess."
That seemed as good a theory as any, so after they'd tended to their ragged old dresses as best they could, Celia sat at Aurora's bedside, and Margaret went into the halls with Anne and Lydia, in the hope they could point some wandering prince in the right direction.
The rest of the palace was as dusty and decayed as Aurora's room. Tapestries were moth-eaten. A kitchen's worth of food had decayed to nothing. Suits of armor were covered in rust.
When they found no princes inside, they decided to head outdoors. With all three of them pulling together, the kitchen door came open with a shriek of rusty hinges.
The doorway was completely blocked by a wall of roses and thorns.
Margaret's throat tightened. They had nothing to break through those branches. They were alone in a palace with no food. If Aurora didn't wake soon, they'd all starve.
Looking at their stricken faces, Margaret could see the other girls were coming to the same conclusion.
Then they heard rustling in the branches. The thick wall showed gaps of sunshine. There were flashes of silver, the sound of a man's groans. At last, the branches parted before a blade, and William burst into the kitchen.
His mustache had darkened a bit over the decades, but he still looked as young and dignified as ever. Though his face and hands were bleeding with a thousand scratches, he bowed with his usual courtesy and a hint of a smile. "Good morning, ladies. I trust you slept as well as I did?"
"What's it like out there?" Margaret asked.
"Overgrown," William replied. "The entire palace is covered in roses--a precaution of the fairies, though I'm not certain whether it came from the good or the bad ones."
William cast his gaze across the room, and suddenly became solemn. "Where is the princess?"
"Still asleep," Lydia said, near tears. "It's awful! There's no one to wake her!"
The look of selfless devastation on William's face made everything clear.
"William," Margaret said. "You love the princess."
This unflappable young man blushed and looked at the ground. "It is not my place--"
"You stayed a hundred years for her! Of course you love her!"
"I could never be her true love. I am only a guard--"
"It's been a hundred years! Some other king rules the kingdom. There's no one alive who'd object. You have to kiss her awake!"
William turned white and his jaw fell. "I could never take such liberties!"
Margaret put her hands on her hips. "Look, if Aurora was drowning, you'd jump in to save her, right? Even if it meant touching her without asking permission."
"Naturally."
"This is no different. If you don't try, Aurora will die."
William thought, then bowed. "I will do what I must to serve the princess."
Margaret seized William's hand and led him toward Aurora's tower.
#
Celia jumped to her feet as they entered the room. Her eyes brightened as she saw the guard.
"William! Have you found the prince?"
Margaret and Lydia pushed William toward the bed. "He's right here," Margaret said.
William stood beside Aurora, looking down into her serene, flawless face. "What if she doesn't welcome such an advance?" he whispered. "How could she care for a man she barely knows?"
Anne said, "Why don't you ask her when she wakes up?"
William bent over Aurora--then stood up. "This might not work."
At once, all four of Aurora's ladies said, "Kiss her!"
Ever so gently, with impossible tenderness, William brushed his lips over Aurora's.
Aurora's eyes opened. "William?" she breathed.
William bowed his head. "Forgive me for taking such liberties, your highness--"
Aurora threw her arms around his neck. "I'm so glad it's you."
Caught in her embrace, William stood flabbergasted.
"Your highness," he said. "Under the circumstances, I do not expect you to return my affection--"
Aurora pushed him away and looked in his face. "How could I not? You stayed true to me when every other man in the world abandoned me."
"You do not know me."
"I know that you stayed. I have a whole new century to get to know everything else." Aurora sat up on the edge of the bed. "If we decide that marriage suits us, I have plenty of bridesmaids."
#
With laughter, all of Aurora's ladies embraced her in turn, sharing stories about their hundred years of sleep.
Margaret went last, holding Aurora tight.
Aurora said, "I can't thank you enough. All of you, so true. You gave up a whole world for me."
As Margaret looked around the room at Anne laughing over her ruined century-old knitting, at Lydia and Celia teasing William--the women she loved like sisters and a brand-new brother--Margaret felt justified in saying, "If I lost a world, I got a better one in return."
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damn-i-ship-it · 2 days
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in case you haven't thought about switching to firefox yet, here's an extension that will...
Notify you if a website you're on has employees that are on strike
Bypass paywalls for major news outlets like the New York Times
Change the browser theme based on the time of day
Directly install third party non-extension scripts
Save individual browser sessions to be reopened at any time
Use the TV format of YouTube in-browser
Make all chrome extensions compatible with Firefox
Turn YouTube dislikes back on
Fix Twitter and make it way less fucked up
Automatically remove trackers from URLs
And many more!
Feel free to add any other firefox extensions you think are slept on.
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damn-i-ship-it · 2 days
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as a knitter, you start to notice how rare it is for characters in tv shows and movies to knit correctly. from worst to best, it ranges from:
- laughably incorrect, just flinging yarn around
- knitting the most basic scarf incredibly slowly because the actor Learned How To Do It For The Role
- old lady actresses casually knitting an intricate lace pattern while doing a monologue
- gromit from wallace and gromit
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damn-i-ship-it · 2 days
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Recently, while staring far too long at a potato chip, it occurred to me that the ridges could possibly be used to create a lenticular effect. So I got out some chip dip (and the smallest paint brush I have) to test it out. I started with a simple 2-frame illustration of a football and a basketball, then I painted a little sour cream and onion dip bird. 🥔🕊️ - via my new @brockdavisart instagram
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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nobuddy feels like they have a sharp attention span these days, right? and we all just click “agree on terms of service” because its hard to love yourself sometimes, well
enter Terms of Service, Didn’t Read: a website and a browser addon that streamlines the terms of service of many popular web services to be read by the tech sunday drivers.
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It’s graded from A (great) to E (awful) and if you have the addon you have access to the info about the website on your bar
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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i had a joke about orpheus and eurydice but looking back it wasn't a good idea
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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2 genres of fanfiction:
1) put that guy into situations
2) take that guy OUT of situations for the love of GOD let them REST 
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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Tim: Do you think Alfred is pregnant? Alfred looks pregnant.
Damian: Don't be ridiculous, Drake! First of all she has been spayed, second of all she has never had sexual intercourse.
Tim: You let her roam the manor grounds on her own, how are you so sure?
Damian: because I made sure every tom in the neighborhood knows I will defend her honour with my sword!
Jason, who has only just started to come back to the manor and does not know about Alfred the cat, overhearing this:
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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My face is having uncontrollable spasms. Great. It hurts really, really, really bad.
I think part of why I have trouble explaining pain to the doctor is when they ask about the pain scale I always think “Well, if someone threw me down a flight of stairs right now or punched me a few times, it would definitely hurt a lot more” so I end up saying a low number. I was reading an article that said that “10” is the most commonly reported number and that is baffling to me. When I woke up from surgery with an 8" incision in my body and I could hardly even speak, I was in the most horrific pain of my life but I said “6” because I thought “Well, if you hit me in the stomach, it would be worse.”
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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Imagine being lost on the Enterprise all alone and it’s just miles and miles of corridors like this
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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(via @SmudgeTheInsultCat over on Mastodon)
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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I am actually begging some people to just let some spaces exist untouched by real-world issues and horrors.
Like I've lost count of the amount of times peaceful game or fandom servers have been ruined by people stampeding in with political rants, bitching about world issues, demanding internal activism, demanding vent channels so they can whine about their shitty parents, ect.
Like. Respectfully. Not every single space has to be inclusive of and welcoming of outside topics. The real world sucks. We don't needed to be reminded of that absolutely everywhere.
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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today in "google AI is fucking useless because it hallucinates things that never happened", i bought a couple CVS thermometers that have both been acting up, tried to search if there had been a problem with the whole product line:
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there is no record of this product recall. it did not happen. the date "feb 8 2024" is the date someone listed a thermometer for sale on ebay.
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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the problem isn't just that media literacy is slowly becoming a dying art. it's that people straight up do not pay attention when they watch tv/film anymore.
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damn-i-ship-it · 3 days
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why is this about to make me sob
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