crackwor

[crackwor]

A look

This is my first time using this so I am honestly going into this blind. I’m using this as a sort of journal for my thoughts cause I heard it helps express emotion. God knows I need it. I’d never thought I would be the one to express my feelings on the internet- to the public. I’ve always seen it as cringe yet here I am. Hypocrisy at it’s true finest. I’m not a writer so no one should expect me to catch some writing or spelling mistakes I make.  For starters, my name is something id rather not be called by. So take any kind of guess you want as to what it is. (to the ghosts reading this) I live in the U.S and live upstate. I go to a somewhat decent school with some questionable people to say the least. I’m going to be a somphmore, or however you spell it cause I can see the red line under it. I have a really bad tendency to just splurt things out. One thing I think my invisible fans should know is abt my bisexuality. Or pansexual to be more specific, I don’t mind ones gender but I know i have more of a soft spot for girls so I tend to not date them as much. That sounds like a total dick way to cover up the fact I favor men, but that’s not the case. I feel men are like such assholes and they deserve to get broken but its not the same with girls. Anyways i’m rambling.

I live with my stepdad and my mom and my little brother, all who I despise. Even thought that’s such an emo thing to say, my mother is someone who thrives off of attention. She treats me like a stranger unless there is people over. And when I ran away once she started yelling and crying- once my aunt came  over. But when she wasn’t there she payed me no mind. She barely looked in my direction when i left out that door.

On to the juicy stuff which everyone probably read tumblr blog for. The love drama. My first love was a guy ill call (I) , he was tall and such a sweet genuine person. He played videogames with me all the time. I met him off yubo, which is always a bad sign but this time it wasn’t. We dated for 5 months and we’ve never met even if he was 3 hours away and not in another country. I never had the guts to do it as i’m terrified of my mother. He made me feel so secure and confident. I felt so beautiful the way he described me. I was always on a high talking to him, but what goes up must come down. 

Towards the end of our relationship everything went to shit. I felt trapped, like a firefly in a glass jar.  Pretty to look at, but in the end trapped. He made me turn on my location and wanted to see what i was doing at all times. If i didn’t cooperate he’d say his anxiety is bad and If i didn’t do what he’d say it’d be some kind of betrayal and I didn’t love him. I felt like I was in such a bubble so in order to subconciously lash out, I cheated. That might be the worst thing I think I ever did. I had the balls to tell him too, not in detail. Just that I felt bad and that the relationshop wasn’t gonna work anymore. Now that I think abt it, Ive cried so many times over a screen. That sounds so biazarre to me now that im sitting down and writing it. That was a true relationship I had though. There were countless others that didn’t have a label cause they had commitment issues. I think its time for me to stop finding validation in people who only see me as a sexual object and not a human. Thankfully im very narccistic and wouldn’t care, but noone deserves to feel like they are anything less then a living breathing human.

I have so much to write about but I only have so much time. I hope anyone who reads this likes it i guess.

#story #journal #romance