charlotteiscrying

[charlotteiscrying]

“The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that’s when everyone decides to be with you.”

— Jim Carrey

[charlotteiscrying]

i’ll drive but you gotta dig

[charlotteiscrying]

you were just sitting there, 1000 miles away, making absolute bullshit fairytales up, solely tryna see if i’d believe you. i did. shits fucked up. you knew i’m psychotic, you knew i hallucinate, and you played with that. i was a game to you.

when all your lies and bullshit got to be too much, when you realized “oh she rlly IS crazy,” when you realized “oh she’s rlly NOT gonna leave,” shit terrified you, and you left. shit disgusting you, prolly creeped you out. i never loved you, i thought i did, i was infatuated with you, and so, so, codependent. i’m sure the fentanyl had a role to play as well.

at least my dad found a way to say he’s proud of me thru you. at least you saved my life. thank you for those 2 things, that’s all the good you gave me.

[charlotteiscrying]

i didn’t have a dream we fucked, i had a dream i just laid in your arms and sobbed. what’s worse- that i woke up feeling relieved i at least got to feel some comfort in my sleep.

your heartbeat still sounds the same.

[charlotteiscrying]

i hope my absence gives you the peace my love apparently never could

- dee

[charlotteiscrying]

my healthy happy aunt who is 56 years old with absolutely no medical history died in her sleep yesterday. no heart attack, no stroke, she was laying there peacefully with the tv on and with her laptop plugged in. on thursday she just got hired for the job she’s wanted for decades. on friday she was went and drove 3 hours to go to her son’s first big concert he designed set up n scheduled himself.

the part that gets me is how she was laying, she had her hand tucked up under her chin, holding her chin up into place, but that’s what made her look so much more peaceful than i was expecting. it’s like she knew, she knew enough that she didn’t want her jaw hanging open when my grandma found her yesterday. she would have hated if her mouth had been open, i know that as a fact.

i’m very grateful i got to say goodbye, her son was 3 hrs away at college, his dad didn’t want to tell him over the phone so he drove up there last night to tell him. but her own son didn’t get to say goodbye.

the police told us that since it “looks” natural they’re not gonna do a toxicology or look into it at all. they released her over to us and we are getting a independent autopsy done.

i hope to God you had nothing to do with this. let me find out you did…

[charlotteiscrying]

Nvm I’m going to become a billionaire myself

[charlotteiscrying]

Jaqueline Lamba, L´amour Fou 1944

[charlotteiscrying]

i would have actually waited forever for you. i would have. thank you for cheating on me, thank you for showing me just how bad you were for me. i couldn’t see it while i was in it. i literally would have waited years for you.

and you did come back. just not for me. thank God.

#you

[charlotteiscrying]

i started tapering off my methadone at the start of march ! my addiction dr told me i should go down 1mg, wait a month, go down 1mg, wait a month, etc. i said lol no, that’d take 40 months, im going down 5mg, waiting a month, etc. i couldn’t even tell i took less. absolutely zero withdraw :,)

i will be completely sober around september how the math works out. i am so beyond proud of myself. i cannot wait to be totally off this. and hey, at least i don’t still gotta quick alcohol ! ooooo, you haven’t changed at all, you are right back where you started before you met me. drinking every day, drinking copious amounts of hard liquor everyday, n repeating the next. drinking so that you can not feel.

you made me feel so much, in such a short amount of time, and such not good feelings. you COULD have just had that conversation you didn’t want to have. if you never loved me, a 5 min convo on facetime would have saved me all this hurt. you actually chose the polar opposite, you chose to get my hopes up as high as possible. you told me you’re moving back home, that you can’t wait to be able to drive to me whenever. we had the sweetest, nicest, best facetime we had had in months, you said i’m sleepy i wanna go to bed, i said alright get some sleep ily, you said “I dOnT lOvE yOu” n hung up. i would not call that breaking up w me. i would simply call that confusing as hell. bc yk damn well you had said that same sentence to me a million times. how was i supposed to read your mind that that time was any different ?

regardless, you know what you did, you know why you did it, you know what came of it. you hurt me more than any other human ever has, in my entire life. you didn’t have to hurt me. you chose to. that’s what hurt the most. you couldn’t just have a 2 min convo on the phone, say “yea i truly don’t know what i want, but i do know i don’t love you, and i don’t want to be with you anymore. i never loved you. i’ve been lying this whole time. i was never serious about that ring. i lied to you abt that on your birthday. thank you for all the good times, but this is goodbye.” i would have been sad, but i would have been happy that you at least were man enough to say it to my face. how hard would that of been, huh ? or do you genuinely believe i don’t deserve that. i don’t deserve to know.

i don’t even want you to hurt now. i can’t even bring myself to wish harm on you. i truly just hope you’re happy. i hope karma comes around to you, and i know it will, but i don’t want you to hurt. i wish you hadn’t hurt me this bad, but i don’t want your life ruined. i don’t want you to be in prison for the rest of your life. do i think you deserve that ? more probable. but do i want that for you ? no, not at all. that is why i will take your secrets to my grave with me. you don’t deserve me to keep them to myself, but i always will. you trusted me enough to keep them secret, even though you hurt me worse than i’ve ever hurt before, i will always keep them secret. i don’t know if that makes me even more insane. it probably does. i wish i could wish harm onto you. i wish i wanted to see you hurt. i just don’t. you put me through more pain than detoxing off that fentanyl did. than my entire 7 year addiction did. i so desperately wish you hadn’t treated me how you did, but i want you to live a long happy fulfilling life. away from alcohol and percs and all the bad stuff. i hope you and that motorcycle get to live together happily ever after, amen.

i’m moving out so soon :) i’ve actually SAVED a LOT of money, i have enough right now to cover first and last month’s rent, the deposit, and i’ll still have several bands left over. next is buying a car, again.

i’m slowly rebuilding my life. you truly left me with nothing. this is the second time i’m having to start over from nothing. this is the 4th time i’ve had to save up from nothing to buy a car for myself. in 2 months my phone plan will be paid off, im taking my phone off my moms plan and putting it on my own line. i’m staying on my moms insurance till im 25, then i’ll get medicade. i think i know where i want to rent. i’m so excited.

i’ve gained 30lbs since the day i went to detox. i’m 107 lbs today. i was 87 lbs that day i showed up at the hospital. i love how i look more than ever. i am so happy with myself, my brain, my body, my heart. my boobs have tripled in size, my ass is HUGE, i’ve been working out everyday for months now.

my skin is CLEAR. i have ZERO acne on my face right now. i do my skincare every night, even if im falling asleep exhausted, i still get up n do it. i’m showering at least every 3 days.

i’ve been posting on onlyfans more, only solo stuff, my entire onlyfans is just me :) i had the best month i’ve ever had on there. without your dick being in a single video. i just hit the top 10% of all onlyfans creators, after less than a month of being active again. i’m un-device-banned, i have snap on this phone again !!! i’m gonna buy a microwave just to nuke that red phone in.

i got asked to walk in baltimore fashion week, i said no lol, but a modeling scout actually scouted me, is trying to get me in that industry as well. i got the opportunity to be in a vans commercial, not a ad, a mf commercial that’d play across the entire country. a fashion nova commercial too. i’m not sure if im gonna say yes. i’m still thinking on it.

i am just so happy. so many doors are opening for me, this is just the beginning. i’m taking myself all the way to the top. my black x is burnt he fucked pre-porn me. you are burnt you fucked drug addict, unhealthy, underweight, titless me.

i’m gonna keep making progress. i’m gonna keep taking small baby steps. i’m gonna continue saving, continue tapering off my methadone. pretty soon i’ll be totally sober, n you’ll be worse than ever.

n that’s another thing i realized. you didn’t even get through detox on your own. you pussied out on day 3, tweaked on 5 drs, beat them up till they shot you up with fentanyl !!! then you mf died, so the drs detoxed you, while you took a nap. you couldn’t even get through fentanyl withdraw on your own. i did :) you went psychotic for a week n you couldn’t deal with it. you’re permanently fucked up now bc of it. your brain will always be altered because of it. i live in psychosis. i’m psychotic everyday. you got to experience what i do, for a tiny fraction of the time, and you went so insane you died !!! imagine your brain bein like that 24/7. that’s why i remember every second of detox, i didn’t go insane, ive always been equally this insane. but i got through detox. i pushed through the pain. i felt all the emotions, all the anxiety, all the hurt, and i learned to push past it. not to push it down, to feel it, and to move on. to use all that pain as fuel to fire me.

i am invincible. i don’t need anyone. i don’t want anyone. i’m good alone. i have so much to prove, and im gonna do it. thank you for reminding me who i am. you fucked up doin that :)

#progress update #healed #thriving #hope #bigger is better #don’t miss you

[charlotteiscrying]

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs; Comfort Food

[charlotteiscrying]

i don’t rlly even have words to say to you anymore. you made me realize i don’t need anyone. i especially never needed you. i am so much more powerful all on my own. i don’t need you or any man or any female. but you were right abt one thing, i was able to move on from you. one day i will actually completely forget abt you. i cannot wait for that day. i don’t miss you, i don’t even miss the most intimate vulnerable soft cuddly moments of us. i don’t even miss those “nice” things you’d say when i begged you to. i deserve so much more. i deserve so much better. i never deserved you. you never had the right to come in my life n fuck absolutely everything up, to take everything i had, to use me in every way you could possibly think. but i moved on. i’m over it. i’m genuinely shocked i put up w you as long as i did. i’m surprised i didn’t walk away. i’m surprised that i forgot i had previously learned the difference between infatuation and love. i’m surprised i didn’t recognize that while i was in it. but i am not surprised that i was able to move on. i am not surprised i learned to love myself. i am not surprised i didn’t just get a rebound. i am not surprised that im actually able to move on prosper and progress in life. to mf conquer life.

but that’s the catch- i didn’t move on to another man. i didn’t even move onto another girl. i learned to love myself. you truly left me with nothing, with nobody but myself, and i prospered. i remembered why i love being alone. i remembered how much more i am than the girl i was when i was with you. i remembered what i deserve. i remembered my worth. i’m remembering who i am. who I am. i’m sure you will forever remember who i am. i remembered how powerful i am, that is so dangerous, and you know that more than anyone.

#power #strong #love

[charlotteiscrying]

you never made me orgasm once :)

not once ever, i faked it every single mf time. you have a big dick, yes, but you don’t know how to use it.

i honestly didn’t care, sex is just not all that important to me. “we were so much more than just skin.”

at least i know i gave you the best you’re ever gonna have. at least i know not a single other female on this earth is ever gonna give you what you actually desire. you’re NEVER gonna feel that again. you’re never gonna have the courage to ask another girl to do that to you again, for fear she’s gonna say no, for fear i truly was the last time you ever got to feel that.

i was the best you ever had, ever will have, ever will be able to dream of, i satisfied your darkest freakiest fantasies,

yet you never made me orgasm, not once. :D

oh mf well

#over you #don’t care #bad sex

[charlotteiscrying]

you turned my entire existence into waiting. i was your rapunzel, sitting here 3,000 miles away from you, locked inside my own prison since im not allowed to leave the state since im on probation. “if you love me, when i come back, you’ll still be waiting for me. i might come back tomorrow. maybe next year. maybe 10 years from now. if you love me, you’ll wait. n you won’t complain.”

do you not see how manipulative that is ? how straight damaging that is ? i couldn’t see it was manipulation. i had to experience it, i had to feel how it felt when i caught you cheating on me. i had to feel how it felt when i realized i was waiting for a man who was never going to come back for me. i had to feel how it felt when you told me “i just moved on.” you just moved on, meanwhile you forgot you had locked your rapunzel in her castle, n you left with the key.

you told me i hallucinated us. you told me you broke up w me that day you left for rehab. i just hallunicated us. and you just moved on. seems so simple when it’s phrased like that. it’s been a couple months now, it genuinely feels like i hallucinated your very existence on this planet. my brain has blacked you out more than any other part of my life. i rememeber more from the day my dad died than i do from the day you said “i just moved on.”

there’s so many parts of my brain that you caught onto before even i did. you used to call me autistic. “you just have a lil touch of the tism.” you know, i am autistic ? i didn’t know that. you obviously picked up on that. you chose to hide behind my misperceptions, my unknowing, behind my “insanity,” to make me seem like the problem. to never once take accountability for anything. to blame everything on me. to make it all my fault. to make me calm down n stop trying to piece those pieces together that you so desperately needed me to keep separate.

you knew you didn’t love me bc you don’t treat someone you love how you treated me. i know i didn’t love you. i loved the idea of you that you placed in my head. the nate in my head and the nate in my reality were always two different men.

i don’t think you understand the lasting damage you’ve done to my brain. i will never be able to date again. to trust again. to be vulnerable again. to even let my guard down the 1% it takes to be able to be intimate with another human. to trust my friend. to believe it when my mom says “i’ll pick you up at 8.” i will never be able to be with a man again. sexually, romantically, anything. you’ve ruined the entire male species for me. i really don’t think im ever even gonna be able to be with a girl sexually, or romantically, ever again. you’ve taken my ability to be with another human being away. even my friends, it’s not the same. i don’t, i can’t, trust that any sentence anybody says is true. you’ve damned me to a life locked up in my castle that my brain has built to protect me from everyone else. every aspect of my life could not be more different than what it was when you n i were together, yet im still condemned to the exact same fate.

before i was locked up in this castle by you, now im locked up in this castle because of you. it feels the fucking same. i miss people. i miss those feelings. but they just are not worth all this aftershock. maybe one day i will want to come out my castle. but even then, things will not be the same. i will never be able to be vulnerable again.

#you #why #hurtful #hope

[charlotteiscrying]

[charlotteiscrying]

you will never get a girl to do what you truly want her to do to you again.

and the best part is- you never once made me cum. i gave you the best you have ever, and will ever have, yet you weren’t ever remotely close to satisfying me.

[charlotteiscrying]

i hope you got herpes from her.