catssleeponme

[catssleeponme]

I started a new therapy. CPT -- Cognitive Processing Therapy. It's already really different from any work I've done; the therapist did most of the talking, for one thing, though I guess that's really a first session thing. There's homework, & I gather it's pretty serious & intense. My first assignment is to write about the worst event, & why I think it happened, & thoughts around it, but not the details. There is no worst thing, exactly. Like, the Bad Detox was definitely the worst experience, but it wasn't the most important one. It's not the one that has me stuck, I don't think. But the whole purpose is to challenge & change my thinking, so I'll try my best. More to come.

#trauma and recovery #ptsd #I'm not going to like this but I'm hopeful about it

[catssleeponme]

I'm [counts fingers; doublechecks calendar] TEN MONTHS SOBER TODAY ♥️🐦🙏

#recovery from addiction

[catssleeponme]

#trauma and recovery #ptsd #recovery from addiction

[catssleeponme]

I try to meditate every day, & even on the days I don't, I listen to & often chant along with kirtans. It's probably the thing that brings me the most joy right now, is to be chanting about how wonderful Rama & his equally amazing wife Sita are, & really feeling it, really loving them in a pure & uncomplicated way. Or to be sitting silently & stilly, imagining Krishna smiling as I adore him. It feels good to adore something larger than me. I don't know what that makes me, & I'm ok with that. I'm searching & I'm willing to be changed. That's what spirituality is to me right now.

#trauma and recovery #recovery from addiction #i found a spirituality that feels like it fits me in rehab

[catssleeponme]

I missed the call because I was sick all day, but my PsyDr has finally rattled the windows of the people whose windows needed rattling, & I'll be getting an appointment to start Cognitive Processing Therapy. I don't expect I'm going to enjoy it one single little bit, but it's so time to heal.

#trauma and recovery #trans women #ipv survivor #recovery from addiction #ptsd #sobriety #sexual violence survivor #medical trauma survivor

[catssleeponme]

I bought a couple of butter lamps, ostensibly for meditation purposes, but I love them so much I keep them lit all evening ♥️🪔🙏

#recovery from addiction #trauma and recovery #meditation #sobriety #i found a spirituality that feels like it fits me in rehab

[catssleeponme]

I present:

This crease over my left eye, the result of tripping over my cat while moving a typewriter & smashing my glasses with my face still in them against the radiator, & picking the bits of shattered plastic out by myself instead of selling medical attention because I was drunk & embarrassed. I discovered duckpin bowling while I was waiting for a new pair of glasses to be made.

god it’s so unfair that I have like, really an abnormal number of scars, and not a sine one of them is a cool facial scar. i need to land on my face next time. and there Will be a next time I fear

[catssleeponme]

Something I got told a lot was "you're so passive." It was a compliment or a criticism, depending on what power flex was being employed at the time, but one effect it had was to mark any time I stood up for myself, especially if I got angry (which they were good at poking & jabbing into the light), as aberrant & problematic, as a sign that I was out of control. So much so that I came to believe it. I wound up trying with all my might not to be an angry person.

Since I came home from rehab, I can see how much anger, how much Fight Response I have in me, but I don't have the same need for it that I did, & it feels like it's just crackling all around me, & I'm afraid of who it will hurt, including me.

#trauma and recovery #ipv survivor #recovery from addiction #ptsd

[catssleeponme]

again and again i am reminded that you can only have what was meant for you, there is no point mourning over what could have been, there is only what is and what will be.

#recovery #self acceptance #trauma and recovery #recovery from addiction

[catssleeponme]

A year ago, I was in the Bad Detox. I survived it, but not by much, & I went back to drinking as soon as I had the means to make a packie run. No one should experience what I went through there. I'm just grateful I gave treatment another chance, someplace good, someplace that saw me as a person, wounded but deserving compassion. I'm grateful I finally got sober, & that I always have the choice to stay that way.

#trauma and recovery #trans women #recovery from addiction #ptsd #ipv survivor #sobriety #sexual violence survivor #medical trauma survivor

[catssleeponme]

[catssleeponme]

Hardly a day passes that I don't think about the ways that rehab changed me. I just wish that people on the outside understood.

#trauma and memory #ptsd #recovery from addiction #ipv survivor #sexual violence survivor #medical trauma survivor

[catssleeponme]

#trauma and memory #ptsd

[catssleeponme]

As I've slowly come to see how much safer I am today than I was a year ago, my Fight Response is increasingly the Wrong Tool for the situation at hand. Not a Bad Tool, but definitely not a Useful Tool. I've tried opening discussion that I expect to be triggering (but that I need to have) with "I expect this could be an emotional conversation for me. I'm in treatment for ptsd & I apologize in advance if I step on your toes, but please let me know if I have, so I can do better." People have been receptive to it, & it's been helpful for me to rely a little bit on other people providing the guardrails so I can focus on what I need to say without tone policing myself into silence. Of course, it requires me disclosing a diagnosis, which is something I had to decide I was comfortable with.

Hey,

I accidentally sent this ask to the wrong blog, sorry.

I'm feeling very guilty about how bad my PTSD anger has gotten. It really scares me and is really destructive sometimes. I had to deal with it yesterday and today and it really fucked up relationships.

I just don't know what to do and I hate myself for it. What advice do you have on dealing with anger, trauma, and feeling misunderstood and hurt and lashing out?

Thank you

Hey!

I feel you. I had angry outbursts due to my PTSD a couple of times and it's awful. I remember how hurt and alone I felt. Like no one understood or cared about my pain. I felt like I was attacked and needed to defend myself - and the only way to defend myself seemed to be to fight.

PTSD anger is basically a fight-response. Our brains have learned that we weren't able to defend ourselves when we were attacked. So to prevent it from happening again by always being ready to defend ourselves our fight-response becomes hyper sensitive.

I understand how scary this can be. I have been shocked about myself for how I reacted in multiple situations. And I've made it a priority to work on that. The people in my life don't deserve my anger. They shouldn't have to suffer because of my PTSD.

My advice is first and foremost to hold yourself accountable. Apologize for what you did without (and I know that's hard) making excuses for it. Your PTSD is an explanation for your angry outbursts but it's not an excuse. Say something like "I'm very sorry for what I did. Do you want me to tell you why I did it? Is there anything I can do to make it better?" and accept their answer.

Regarding how to deal with angry outbursts: when you feel yourself getting angry or hurt, take yourself out of the situation. Take some time to calm down, use skills, write down your thoughts. When your emotions are calmer think about what happened in the situation: what happened? What were your thoughts, emotions and needs? And then seek the other person out again and talk to them about it in a less emotionally intense state. I know when we experience strong emotions we feel the strong need to act on them immediately. But we can learn to do the opposite: put some time between a situation and our response to it.

You could analyse anger situations by using the ABC model: first you write down what exactly happened that triggered your emotional response. Then you write down the automatic thoughts or beliefs your brain came up with. And then you write down the emotions and behaviours that you felt and enacted following those thoughts.

For example:

Activating event: "My friend forgot my birthday."

Belief: "They don't care about me."

Consequences: (emotional) hurt and anger; (behavioural) "I yell at them."

Then you can think about potential other explanations than "they don't care about me" like "birthdays aren't very important to them - they don't even care about their own birthday" or "they are a very forgetful person - it's not about me specifically" or "they've been going through a lot lately - they're probably exhausted". This can help to get out of the PTSD "tunnel vision" of seeing everyone as a potential threat and everything as an attack on us.

In general: find out which skills help you to calm down and regulate your emotions when you feel angry or hurt. For me going for a walk and splashing my arms and face with cold water help. I tend to need some time to myself.

Grounding techniques can be helpful. There are mental ones (puzzles, math, think of a category like animals and think of one example for every letter of the alphabet,...), physical ones (54321, smelling and focusing on a scent, squeeze a stress ball,...) and calming ones (touch something soft, imagine your safe place,...)

To strengthen your relationships you can use aspects of the GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner) model of DBT. It can help to make your relationships more secure so they can survive fights and make you and the other person feel safer to talk about things that bother you.

You can also look into the rules of nonviolent communication (Observation, Feelings, Needs, Requests) and try to apply them to situations where you feel hurt.

Finally something regarding feeling misunderstood: in my experience a part of this is the trauma brain feeling attacked and disconnected from other people. But a part of it can also be that people who don't have PTSD actually genuinely don't understand what we're going through. This is painful and isolating. What we can do is be honest with them about our symptoms. What they can do is educate themselves about them and accept us and our symptoms even though they might not fully understand them.

I hope some of these things are helpful to you! Take care!

#ptsd #trauma and recovery #ipv survivor #sexual violence survivor #medical trauma survivor #recovery from addiction

[catssleeponme]

I hate when people imply that you can't love others before you love yourself, when actually most of us learn how to love ourselves through being loved by others. Which means that if you haven't been loved properly by others, the solution to that trauma usually isn't to try to fix yourself in isolation

[catssleeponme]

It’s okay if you love your abuser(s). It doesn’t invalidate anything they’ve done to you.

It’s okay if you hate your abuser(s). It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

It’s okay if you feel nothing about your abuser(s). It doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It’s okay if you feel a mixture or all of the above or even go back and forth. Feelings are complicated and whatever you’re feeling is valid.

#ptsd #trauma and recovery #ipv survivor #sexual violence survivor #recovery from addiction #medical trauma survivor

[catssleeponme]

Messages of support and strength from Rafah, Palestine to the US student movement.