captainlulueliz-blog

[captainlulueliz-blog]

Returning to Tumblr

I read my tumblr. The last time I posted was three years ago. When my life was uprooted from a breakup. Since that day it’s been three years of ups and downs and confusion with the same human who broke my heart the first time.

I don’t believe in soul mates, but I believe in love and hard work and effort. Those three things I have put into what we had. 95% of the time anyway. Sometimes I made bad decisions and choices. Impulsively i have tweeted harmful things on purpose because I was mad or angry or needed to vent and didn’t really think he would see them because despite the fact that my Twitter was public, we had each other blocked.

Today, I want nothing more than to go back to our happy times. The times and moments and memories that we shared that remind me of happy 80s movies. But I know those things won’t come back.

I’m not enough for him. I will never be enough for him, and even though there were times where I thought I could be or was... I know this to be true because I helped him through a breakup, with someone who WAS enough for him.

Do we really want to examine how much this hurt me...? That would be too dark of a hole to crawl into with you.

#threeyearsago #heartbreak

[captainlulueliz-blog]

Anxious AF

Sometimes you feel like your whole world is collapsing, other times you sit at the feet of your boyfriend and beg him not to leave the house because you feel like you are going to explode. 

I have struggled with anxiety for the past few years. I take medication for it. I have felt so low that all I knew how to do is cry, I have felt so low that all I want is a hug, and I have felt so low that I would do anything to end my life. 

Anxiety is an illness. It is HARD to deal with. Shout out to anyone who is dealing with that shit. They are the true heroes. 

#anxiety #anxiousaf #mentalhealth #blessed

[captainlulueliz-blog]

Day One and My Panic Attack at School

So... Apparently teachers are supposed to keep it together at all time. You don’t want to cry in front of your kids. I am a basket case, and have anxiety, and occasionally I forget my meds. When you are going through a break up, and a rough one at that, you end up on the floor in the staff bathroom, crying your eyes out while the music teacher is watching your students because you can’t keep it together. 

... thats when you really need to rethink your life. 

Apparently the hardest part of breakups is letting go of the love of your life. 

[captainlulueliz-blog]

My Life

and why I need to start a blog.

Growing up, I was that typical bossy, annoying, snotty brat. When I didn’t get my way; I cried, pouted and did almost anything I could think of to deal with the emotional stress of being let down. 

Sadly, I carry this with me today. 

My parents passed away at a young age, and I didn’t forgive them for it. Obviously you can’t blame someone else for getting cancer then dying, right? But my emotional instability stems from the fact that they left me before I was ready. People often say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Obviously I can handle a lot to have been put in that emotional sinkhole when I was 9 and then again when I was 15. Being the older sibling I decided that I needed to be there for my family and hold it together for my little brother instead of being selfish and grieving appropriately. 

This lack of grieving led me down a long path of life with anxious feeling of “everyone is going to leave me”. Separation Anxiety, if you will. Obviously no one wants to date someone who has Separation Anxiety. It goes well for a few months, until it doesn’t. That's why I am complete SHIT as a girlfriend. I am perfect, independent, not clingy or needy... until my attitude and demanding nature and type A personality get to be too much for him and he decides to become distant. The more distant a person becomes, the more I hold on, and the more they pull away. Then they find console in another girl and I finally look like an idiot for not knowing about it in the first place because I was so jaded that I thought things might actually be going well. 

The one thing I have ever felt successful at was my job, but even then, I don’t always feel that way. I thrive on praise. Its funny that I do because I don’t really give into positive reinforcement with my students. I am a teacher, I like to think I am a darn good teacher, too! I am smart, caring, giving, loving, and friendly. I lack some sternness, and my kids tend to walk over top of me and are always too chatty, because I let it go too long at the beginning of the year, and when I finally get sick of it I am screaming but then its like February and its really too late. I feel I am an amazing teacher, until parents get involved. I love parents, like most teachers, when they are supportive of you. Parents who think their child is innocent and could do no wrong, or who like to challenge you and think they can teach better than you. You, who has a masters degree and went to school for 5 years specifically to teach their darling little children. Specifically the shipyard worker who had 2 years at the apprentice school, you can certainly come in and tell me how to do my job. Those parents make me roll my eyes. 

Maybe this blog is a way to help me cope with the pain of my failing life, or maybe its just to make a joke out of everything that seems to be going wrong today. 

On another note, I have been out of work, FOREVER and I am going stir crazy. Please send help.  SOS.

#failure life newblog teacher girlfriend funny snowday

[captainlulueliz-blog]

When I'm in the middle of a lesson and the students aren't engaging...

[captainlulueliz-blog]

Epic

Love is the answer