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campcamp5ever-notforever · 17 days

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Gwen's Therapy Session.

"How am I feeling? Hmm...Honestly, I'm not sure."

Gwen licked her lips and then pursed them, deep in thought.

"Conflicted, I guess. You know, that's just been my whole life, actually. Full of conflictedness. Like, once, when I was 8, I remember, I couldn't decide between mint chocolate chip ice cream or strawberry ice cream. Spoiler alert: I ended up choosing strawberry because mint chocolate ice cream is just frozen toothpaste. Another time, Mother made me choose between her and my dad when they were divorcing."

She sighed at the memory.

"Mother, she...she wasn't a good person, and it took me a long time to realise that. No no, she's not dead. We just don't keep in contact with each other anymore...Growing up, my family and I were well off. Mother, she came from a pretty wealthy family but she, ha-ha, broke ties off with them when she married my father. This...this poor black dude, so yes, they were racist too, as well as classist. Lucky enough for her, her uncle, my gran tío Gabino, he supported her and her decisions so when he died, he gave her all his money in his will, and when she found out, she left her family with my dad right by her side. They had me about two years later."

"...Growing up was no fun. I was this gangly, awkward, quiet child who wasn't sure what to do with her life, and I'm pretty sure that pissed Mother off. She was this assertive, dominant, say-what's-on-her-mind savvy businesswoman so I think she assumed her spawn would turn out like her too. It certainly did not help that my dad is this out-there, outgoing, determined man. In her eyes, I was a failure, so she...kept her distance. She kept away from the constant reminder of inadequacy. I heard her talking to my dad once-she said, 'Tough love will help her grow. It worked with me. Look where I am today'. This was a reason why they're separated today because my father did not agree with her ways. He was trying to break generational trauma, but she was just trying to keep it ongoing. Like Grey's Anatomy, for some reason. You know they're on season 39 now? For no goddamn reason at all. A handful of times, yes, handful, I can count them on my fingers, she did attempt to try talk with me but somehow, she made it about her. Always. How the hell do you turn a conversation about your child's first crush into how you 'worked your way to the top'? When I was in school, I always got As. I never did drugs and didn't get pregnant. I won school trophies and certificates, but I always dreaded telling her about my achievements. Nothing was ever good enough for her. All she saw were the faults in everything I did. Whenever I smiled, she told me she could see my wrinkles, I should stay out of the sun so I wouldn't get too dark, she never listened to me, always had to be the one in the right, told me no man would ever love a stubborn and awkward girl like me..."

Her hand had curled up into a tight fist. A fist curled up so tight that it was trembling on the tabletop. When she realised this, she uncurled it, releasing the tension that threatened to consume her.

"My father left when I was 15. That's a big conflict there. He had enough and he left. It was the week where she went insane; on that Saturday, she wrecked her bedroom, screaming, tearing pillows and clothing apart, throwing things, broke her vanity, and when she was thirsty, she came downstairs to find alcohol and when she found a bottle, she disappeared into her bedroom for a week. I think towards the end of the week was when she and my father had a talk because she came out of her room, eyes red, hair a mess, and asked me: who do you want to stay with?"

Gwen licked her lips.

"Of course, it was a question I had to ask myself. I was thinking about it. I loved my dad, but I knew what he was up to with his time; he was an aspiring musician but that did not make him any money. This was another reason why Mother's family disliked him, by the way. I should know that he didn't make much money; I used to perform with him so I knew how much he would make with his performances. But we were lucky because we had...Mother. Then, he didn't have her. I decided to stay with her for obvious reasons, which I regret a lot these days....I don't remember a moment of her telling me she loves me..."

"She became much colder after that, and I just avoided her whenever she was at home. Escape came in the form of college but the moment she heard that I was staying with my father in his RV, she cut off my college funding and went no contact with the both of us. It was like she was reminding us of who she was. Unfortunately for her, I managed to secure a bursary. My father once pointed out how she had changed after I was born and she'd replied, ‘Maybe it's her fault I'm this way'. I heard her clear as day. I think I was still a child, then."

She looked up at the ceiling, the fluorescent lights shining bright into her purple orbs.

"She, um, she actually called me a few years ago. I was surprised. And shocked, too, you know, considering it'd been...12 years, now, that we hadn't spoken to each other. That was a huge chunk of my life that she'd missed. I think she realised that and that's why she called. Maybe to make amends, I think, because she asked me, 'How are you?' How was I? I was conflicted then, too, because she had called me at an unusual time."

"8 years ago, this shitty camp I used to work at, closed down. Several human rights violations and child endangerment cases but that's another story for another day. The camp shut down a few months before the big Covid scare and when it did, my co-camp counsellor, David, he stood in front of me, and it took a few moments for him to say what he wanted to say. I was just about to leave, my suitcases packed already, waiting to leave for the 5 o 'clock bus that would stop in front of me shortly. It had been about four hours since every child had left with their parents or guardians...except for one boy. Max. He was standing with David, who was consoling him, at the same time speaking angrily into his phone. We couldn't leave him alone at the camp, so he came along with us to the bus stop in town."

"I watched as David crossed the street to where I was standing, a solemn, conflicted look on his face. That was very strange considering the type of guy he was, so I was already concerned. He stopped right in front of me, taking a few minutes for him to say what he needed to say. He just stood there, staring at me intently. I remember what he said, not word for word, mind you. He rested his hands on my shoulders and said something like-"

'Gwen, I know we've had our fair share of disagreements, but there's one thing we can agree on – Max deserves the world. He's a resilient, intelligent, and incredibly unique individual. And I believe, deep in my heart, that we have the opportunity to give him the stability and love he needs. I understand the gravity of what I'm proposing. Adopting Max is a significant responsibility, especially considering our current circumstances. But Gwen, think about it. Think about the joy and fulfilment that comes with shaping a young life, guiding them through their struggles, and celebrating their triumphs.

Max has faced challenges that most kids his age couldn't even imagine. He's been let down, disappointed, and left feeling like he doesn't belong. But together, Gwen, we can change that narrative. We can show him that he's not alone, that he's valued, and that he has a place where he truly belongs – with us. I know you might have reservations. We both do. But let me assure you, Gwen, that we're not alone in this. We'll be together and I know that when we're together, we can do anything.

I'm asking you to join me on this journey because, truthfully, I will not be able to do it on my own. Please join me in becoming Max's adoptive parents. Help me give him the love and stability he deserves. Let's show him that no matter what life throws his way, he'll always have a family to come back home to. I know...I know this is a lot to take in. I know this all sounds crazy but please, just think about it.'

"It was a lot to think about for the short span of time I had. Imagine if a person, whom you've known for six years, just suddenly asked you to be a parent with him, to a child whom was recently abandoned by his real parents. It was my turn to take a few seconds of what I had to say and then my phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. My eyes still on him, I answered the phone."

" '...How are you?' "

" '...Mother?' I asked."

" 'Hello, Gwendolyn'. "

"She told me that she was going to therapy which shocked me completely because whenever my father brought therapy up, she always told him that she felt like he was ambushing her. Why would she want to talk to a stranger who was just going to tell her she was crazy? I told her that I was happy for her, and she asked me about my job. My blood ran cold but I stood my ground."

" 'I've been working as a camp counsellor.' "

" 'Camp counsellor? Is that what you've been doing with your life? Wasting away in some shitty camp?' "

" 'It wasn't a waste, Mother, I've come to find out. I helped kids discover themselves and grow into better individuals.' "

" 'Helping kids? What about helping yourself? Have you even thought about your own future? A real career? Your ambitions?' "

" 'I did, Mother. I found fulfilment in being a counsellor.' "

" 'Fulfilment? Oh please, Gwendolyn. You always were the pathetic dreamer. When are you going to wake up and realize that life isn't about playing campfire songs and telling ghost stories?' "

" 'Life is about finding happiness and meaning.' "

" 'Happiness? You call that happiness? Living like a vagabond, disconnected from the real world? You're delusional, my dear. Happiness does not pay the bills.' "

" 'Delusional? I think you're the one who's out of touch, Mother. You haven't spoken to me in twelve years, and now you waltz in here expecting me to conform to your idea of success?' "

" 'Don't you dare talk to me like that, young lady! I raised you better than this. You're embarrassing me.' "

" 'Embarrassing you? You know what's embarrassing? Ignoring your own daughter for over a decade and then having the audacity to criticize her life choices, especially when life has been so crappy towards her!' "

" 'I had hoped that by now, Gwendolyn, you would have outgrown this behaviour. I was wrong, and it seems I was mistaken. Stubbornness has always been your defining trait.' "

" 'Maybe I learned it from you. You've never been supportive of anything I've done. You thought I was a failure and you made sure I knew it. You only saw the negative in everything I did. You only care about what makes you look good in society's eyes. You can never ever be wrong because you're so 'perfect'.' "

" '...I sacrificed everything for you, and this is how you repay me? By throwing your life away?' "

" 'I'm not throwing my life away, Mother. I'm living it on my terms. Good things take time and I'm willing to wait.' "

" 'Fine! If this is the life you choose, then don't expect me to stick around and watch you ruin it.' "

Gwen shook her head after her recount and sighed deeply.

"That was the end of that. I dropped the phone call and looked back at David. His eyebrows were raised in question, his face a mixture of inquiry and concern, and I just fell into him, giving him a big, fat hug. At that moment, I told myself that I wasn't throwing my life away. I was still young. Hell, I was just a 28-year-old teenager-"

She chuckled at her lame millennial joke.

"-there was a lot of time for me to figure my life out. I was determined to prove to Mother that I hadn't ruined my life. Before I knew it, I was sitting in the passenger seat of David's car, driving off with him and Max in the back. Our adventure was just starting..."

She looked down, swallowing back oncoming tears.

"We did not know what life had in store for us. The future was a distant, shrouded mystery. These past few years have sucked but my God, we prevailed, and that is one of the best feelings a human can have. I don't talk to mother anymore but if I did, I would tell her that my life is at its peak, and it won't be stopping any time soon. Now, my family and I live in this picturesque town reminiscent of a storybook setting. I mean, we have a goddamn coffee place right around the corner from where we live! I can fucking walk to the school where I work without getting mugged or catcalled! The school itself has given me and David a discount on school fees because I work there! We have a fucking labrador at home Max named after this teddy-bear had when he was younger! I gave birth to the most precious baby girl ever three years ago, David's less stressed now and he sings all the bloody time! Max called me 'Mom' for the first time ever last week, and now I am-"

She glanced down at the time on her watch.

"-20 minutes late to my new job!"

She grinned.

"How am I feeling, you asked? I am feeling...content."

The barista blinked at Gwen in astonishment, his hand hovering above the cash register's keypad, mouth slightly agape. He cleared his throat, composing himself.

"...And what would you like to order, Miss Gwendolyn?" He asked, staring at her with a 'what-the-hell' look, eyes wide and eyebrows raised.

"I think I'll try your mint chocolate chip milkshake," Gwen nodded.

This has been in the back of my mind so I wanted to write it.