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byunbhyunz · 9 months

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Hold Me Down

Pairing: Doyoung/Reader

Genre: fluff, runningawayfromresponsibilities!Doyoung

Word count:

Inspiration: Halsey – Hold Me Down

Part 6 of the Badlands Series

Running away was never the kind of thing Doyoung would do. Not until his responsibilities started to eat him alive, and the only thing on his mind was a night free from anything and everything.

“But it’s the devil that’s tryna Hold me down, hold me down Sneaking out the back door, Make no sound”

Driving around after sunset wasn’t unusual for you. Most of the time you found yourself hopping into your car before you could think of anything else, and drove until you felt sleepy enough to finally go to bed.

Insomnia was a nasty little thing like that. It made falling asleep hard, sometimes you couldn’t even sleep for a day or two, and you would be like a zombie at work.

It only started after your brother’s death. A car crash with him dying and two other people severely injured. You drove around for the memory of him. You drove around, because he wanted to see the world and with your limited resources you could only discover the secret places of Seoul. You looked for tourist hotspots, famous historical places, hidden restaurants and cafes, really anything that caught your eye. Sometimes you would wander around on foot, but driving was the best. It silenced your mind and you could imagine your brother sitting on the passenger seat, joking around, eager to go to places.

Some places you knew by heart, visiting them again and again.

Tonight wasn’t any different. You planned to go to the City Wall, looking around the Namdaemun market, buying something delicious to eat, then go and look at the Namdaemun Gate while eating.

Soft wind caressed your face as you rolled the windows down and stopped at a red light. You half-heartedly listened to the song playing on the radio; an old ballad about love. The lyrics went unnoticed by your mind, but the soulful melody made your heart clench in pain. It made you remember your parents’ face after the burial of your brother. It was the only time you saw your father cry.

Movement caught your eye. On the pavement, a young man around your age was running. He had a desperate look on his face, like he was running from something, but you didn’t see anything chasing him. Maybe he had this funny way for exercising. Only, he wasn’t wearing clothes made for running and it seemed like he was running straight to your car.

With a lump settling in your throat, you considered rolling the windows back up, but decided against it. Sure, he wasn’t running to a stranger’s car at night. You still activated the safety lock. Who knows, Seoul was just like any city at night: with the wrong step you could be in danger.

And oh, boy, you were wrong! The guy ran right up to you, popping his head in above the window, and said:

“Please, take me somewhere, anywhere before they find out I ran away!”

Not even in the future could you explain what made you unlock the car, and let him climb in. Maybe it was the haunted look in his eyes or how he was breathing heavily.

So you let him get in just in time for the red light changing to green. He fastened the seat belt without you having to asking him, which was a bonus point in your mind. He looked unharmed and didn’t seem like he would attack you in any moment.

You let out the air stuck in your lungs, and cleared your throat.

“So, do you have anywhere specific in your mind?” you asked after a long silence.

You were still driving in the direction of the Namdaemun Gate, the stranger’s presence not diverting you from your original plans.

“It doesn’t matter where you take me. I just need time to clear my mind.” You glanced at him for a moment, and he was scrunching his nose as if he just remembered something important. “I can pay you for the gas and the trouble, of course. Or you can drop me off…”

You interrupted him with a small smile.

“Are you wearing comfortable shoes?”

“Yes. What for?”

“Walking. ‘Cause I might just know the perfect place to turn your mind off for a few hours, if that’s what you want.”

He hummed in agreement as you made a left turn. You still had time before you would get to the gate. He didn’t ask where you were going and you didn’t tell him.

Despite a stranger sitting in your passenger seat, you were still calm and collected, as if you were alone. Not to say you were not aware of him. God, you were more than aware. Every few minutes you looked at him from the corner of your eye. He had dark hair, strands of it falling onto his forehead. Combined with dark, alluring eyes and lips that seemed to be constantly pouting.

“May I?” He asked, and pointed at the radio. You nodded.

Another red light. Looking at your surroundings, you realized you were getting closer to your destination.

The man next to you kept switching between stations, until he found a song he was satisfied with. It was a Beatles song, one your mother listened to a lot when you were younger. You hummed with the singer, never really singing along.

“My name is Doyoung, by the way. I mean… I just realized how weird this situation is.” He sounded defeated and apologetic. You heard his clothes rubbing against the seat, probably moving around a little. “I can’t believe I jumped into a stranger’s car. I’m gonna be in so much trouble.”

“And I have let a stranger get into my car. Worst case scenario: you kill me and we’ll be on the morning news.”

He softly laughed at that. You took a moment to enjoy the sound.

“What’s your name?”

“You can call me Jude,” you told him. If he recognized your obvious lie with ‘Hey Jude’ still playing on the radio, he didn’t mention it. “There, we are not strangers anymore.”

Arriving to your destination, you made a little sound effect as you waved your hand around.

“And we are here.”

“Really? Namdaemun market?” He asked skeptically, and you shrugged your shoulders.

“And the gate. I originally planned to buy some food and drink, go to the gate and have a nice meal. It’s much more relaxing than you would think.”

Getting out of the car, Doyoung followed suit. You watched him pull a mask out from his pocket, putting it on carefully. He noticed the curious look you gave him.

“People might recognize me.”

“Are you an influencer or something?” Your question made him laugh, the sound rich and low, but a little muffled by the fabrics against his mouth.

“Or something.”

Your curiosity haven’t got fulfilled with his answer, but you didn’t pry further. Despite your words, you were just two strangers sharing some time of calmness together.

You still watched his face, trying to will your mind to remember where you could have seen him, but came up with nothing. The dark hair and eyes could belong to any citizen of Seoul, only his clear skin and clothes whispered something about wealth to you. Maybe he was a son of a politician. It would explain his words of getting into trouble for jumping into a stranger’s car in the middle of the night.

Despite the time, the Namdaemun market was buzzing with life. Bright lights lead your way through the stalls of vendors. It looked more like a shopping street rather than a market, but you enjoyed spending time here. Some vendors recognized you, because you usually bought your food from them. You really liked the stalls with the old vibe, where you could know your money was going for a family business rather than a big company.

You lead Doyoung around the market carefully, letting him look around and sometimes stop for window-shopping. He never asked to go here or there, but you always noticed when he stopped in his tracks behind you. Thinking about how he wanted to protect his identity even here, your eyes automatically scanned the crowd for people with recognition on their faces, but you didn’t find anything suspicious. No one here cared about who you were.

At last, you reached your favorite place. It was a little hole in the wall shop with the most delicious tteokbokki. And it was a plus that the old couple running the restaurant were kind people, who liked to give you free drinks, very insistent about not letting you pay for them. You usually left a big enough tip to make up for the drinks anyway.

“Ah, my sweet girl! Good to see you again! Do you want the usual?” Upon your nod, the owner turned to Doyoung. “And what about your partner? A simple, mild tteokbokki will do for you, too?”

“I would like it spicy. Thank you, mister!”

“I’ll make it immediately. My old Yoona will be with you in a moment. She just made a fresh batch of coffee, too.” He gave you a wink, then went to the back and called for his wife.

“It’s cozy.” Looking around, Doyoung hummed in satisfaction, then his attention was on the menu, written on a little black board above the counter. “But I don’t see any coffee mentioned. Only water, juices and soju.”

“I come here often,” you said it like it would explain the under-the-counter coffee. In reality, you couldn’t explain it well without sounding too cheesy.

The old couple, Yoona and Minsu became fond of you along your many visits here. Some nights, you wouldn’t even go to the City Wall, just sitting here and eating tteokbokki was enough to make your soul calm down. They were the first people you talked to about your true feelings regarding the loss of your brother. They listened with open hearts, while their handmade food filled you with warmth. They gave you coffee or chocolate milk and you brought them small gifts on occasions.

They liked to show you pictures of their grandchildren, keeping you up to date about their lives as well. You also enjoyed listening to their stories and little arguments that ended up in Minsu calling his wife “my fierce, old Yoona”.

Looking at them, you sometimes believed that true, lasting love existed.

“Oh, my! Our girl brought a boy with her!” And here she was. The starter of the couple’s arguments, Yoona. She liked to tease the customers, especially you, but her heart was made of gold, you were sure of it.

“Miss Yoona!” Her name left your lips in a whine, a pout already forming on your lips. Regardless, you took a seat at the counter, instead of at the tables. She had two mugs in her hands. His husband must have told her you didn’t come alone for once.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. You are young. When’s better time to live your life as you wish?” You shyly glanced at Doyoung as he sat down on another stool next to you. The mask helped to cover his expression, but you saw a light red tint painting the top of his ears.

“Are you going to the wall again? Or planning to stay here?” Your lack of response from earlier didn’t scare her, she was more than aware how she made you embarrassed for a moment. Maybe even enjoyed it a little, too. She sat the two mugs down in front of you, slipping milk and sugar along with it.

“We aren’t staying this time. Just grabbing your husband’s famous tteokbokki, then go for the wall.”

“Don’t tell him that. He will brag about it for days if he hears you calling it famous,” Yoona said in a hushed tone, leaning closer to you over the counter. Doyoung chuckled at that a little, putting two sugars and a little milk in his coffee. Watching him pull his mask down to drink made you wonder about his identity again, but your mind came up with nothing. Again. Maybe you should look him up on the internet later.

You drowned your coffee in milk with little to no sugar, and sighed contentedly after the first sip. It smelled earthy and tasted divine.

Yoona went to the back and returned with your orders. They were a more than generous amount and carefully packaged. You payed and thanked them for everything, leaving a tip like usual. Doyoung watched you with curious eyes, but haven’t said a word until you left.

“Are you relatives?”

“No. I told you, I come here often. They are always treating me nicely. Just some really kind people.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. But how could you tell someone you just met that an old couple from the market knew about the deepest parts of your heart? How could you tell him that you lost your brother and was struggling with grief, that Yoona and Minsu seemed to be the only people to understand your pain? You couldn’t, so you just kept it to yourself, not even talking about it with your parents. Sometimes, you visited them more than your own parents.

“So, we are really going to climb up the wall?” He pulled you out of your thoughts.

A half smile played on Doyoung’s lips before he hid it behind his mask. He was holding your tteokbokkis, insistent on carrying them after you payed for it.

“That’s the plan, kinda. Except it’s not open at night, so we can’t really climb it. If you’re not up for it, we can go back. I take you back whenever you want.”

“No. I like the idea.”

“Good.”

Walking in silence, you wandered around the thickening crowd. Nearing midnight, more vendors came out, also locals and tourists started to flood the streets. Fearing of getting lost in the sea of people, you quietly grabbed the seam of his jacket’s sleeve with two fingers. Doyoung halted for a moment, dark eyes meeting yours. You could see in them that he was smiling, then continued to navigate around.

Time after time you muttered a few words to take a turn here or there, and about an hour later you were out of the market.

The Namdaemun Gate could be seen from afar, but it almost got lost around the modern buildings, all of them larger than this piece of history. It was lit up with lights, towering beautifully and anciently.

Doyoung’s eyes widened a little, and you smiled to yourself. He could definitely understand now why you liked to come here.

“I’ve never been here at night. It looks…”

“Old?”

“Wonderful.”

You found a little place to sit down across the street from the gate. Once everything was in place, Doyoung handed you one of the tteokbokkis and chopsticks.

“What are you running from, Doyoung?” You broke the silence with your out of place question, fidgeting with your chopstick before taking the first bite. The rice cakes were soggy and the sauce was a little spicy, just how you liked it.

From the corner of your eyes, you saw him following your movements, chewing sounds filling the night. It was like a little bubble of comfort formed around you, only filled with small noises and the contentment from eating a delicious meal. You were almost too scared to pop it, but your curiosity took the best of you. You pried further, wanting to understand why a men like him would run away from his life even for a night without looking back. Maybe he had a heavy weight on his soul, just like you.

“You know, sometimes it’s easier to pour our heart out to a stranger than a friend. Talking about our problems… It might not solve it, but it helps. And we probably won’t meet again after tonight.”

“You said it yourself: we are not strangers anymore.”

“Then a one-night-companionship.”

“I don’t think there is a word like that.”

“There is now.”

The food disappeared fast. You didn’t even knew you were that hungry, until you started to eat. You let Doyoung think about your offer. You might have seemed a little pushy, but you had nothing to lose or gain from listening to his story and struggles.

Setting aside the leftovers from your meal, Doyoung sighed, and said:

“You might be right. But beforehand, you have to promise to never tell anyone about what I will tell you. I don’t want to see it back on news tabloids.”

“And I don’t want to break down your confidence, but I honestly have no idea who you are. I only know your first name and that you ran away from home.”

He smiled sadly at that. You noticed how he didn’t pull his mask back up.

“I’m an idol in a boy group. We are quite popular domestically and inernationally.”

An idol. Thinking that he was an influencer or the son of a politician seemed ridiculous now.

Doyoung was dissecting your expression, and when he didn’t find anything he disliked in it, he went on.

“We have a lot of members… and a really tight schedule. I have an older brother, but I was always taking care of him, so I like to do the same with my dongsaengs. They can be a handful, but they are good kids, really. Lately, it’s just getting too much. I have to show a perfect image to our fans, a good example for my dongsaengs, while barely sleeping. My life became monotonous, and it just peaked tonight. One of my members broke something precious to me, and I suddenly had this unnerving feeling that if I don’t get away from the dorm right away, I might… I don’t really know what I might have done. It was too overwhelming.”

“I understand it,” you said quietly, grief gripping your throat.

And you did. You knew that feeling so well, like the back of your hand. The urge that made you jump into your car, making you drive for hours on end because you were too scared to find out what would happen if you let that feeling get a steady hold of you. A panic attack would be the most plausible, but who knew what it would make you do.

Self-harm was never something you though about. Fortunately, you never slipped that far into the rabbit hole. But you were scared you might hurt others. You might lash out at your parents for never being there for you when your brother died, drowning in their own grief and never thinking about yours for a moment. So you coped. You coped with visiting places he might have gone to, you coped with imagining your brother next to you while you drove around Seoul.

“It’s too much.” Doyoung’s voice was low and defeated. When your eyes met, it was like you were looking in the mirror. The haunted and lost sparkle in them resonated with your soul, pulling at strings in your heart that no one could ever touched.

You wanted to hug him, but placing your hand over his was enough for now. Even that little gesture seemed far too intimate in the moment. You both let the other look into your own souls, see the pain gathering in there.

You took a deep breath, deciding to dive into your pain, trusting him and sharing your story with him.

“I had an older brother once, too. He was my world growing up. Then he died in a car accident and I was left alone with my feelings. My parents… they were so lost in grieving their dead son, that they forgot about their other kid. They never talk about it with me, and the pain gets unbearable sometimes. Making me want to run away… But I’m too much of a coward for that, so I just keep driving around, visiting places I find in the city, so I don’t have to be at home, alone or with my parents.”

Doyoung squeezed your hand with his own, then laced your fingers together. A silent sign of support.

“So trust me when I say: it gets better. You learn to cope with things with time. You learn to forgive and that overwhelming feeling will get lighter. I don’t know if it will ever disappear, but it will get better.”

You kept sitting there in silence, looking at the City Gate. You felt you two were like that piece of history over there. It stood stable and unmovable in the middle of this modern jungle. Time kept chipping away at its edges, but it couldn’t be broken just like that.

You were like that, too. Feelings tormented your soul, but you steeled yourself and kept going, not letting it make you any less of what you truly were.

The car ride back was peaceful. A weight have been lifted from both of your souls. And for once, you weren’t imagining your brother sitting in the passenger seat. Doyoung sat there, and he kept singing with the radio in the most ridiculous voices, making you laugh and happy. His dark eyes lost that haunted look from them. They sparkled with lightness in the city lights.

You felt like you could get used to it – driving around with him next to you.

You didn’t even notice when started to sing along. With windows rolled down, your voices flew with the wind in the soft summer night. At a red light, you watched Doyoung. His eyes crinkled at the edges, constantly smiling as he was heaving for air between two songs. You felt happy.

Parking near the place where he jumped into your car, you looked at him again. The uplift mood calmed down, but the air still held onto the lightness of it.

“Do you feel better?” You asked, wanting to make the night last a little longer.

“Yes. Thank you. For everything.”

Another silent moment passed. Doyoung haven’t moved to get out of the car. His eyebrows furrowed as he got lost in his thoughts before he finally voiced them.

“You know, you never told me your name. You told me to call you Jude, but I bet it was a lie.”

“For tonight, it was the truth.”

“It’s still not fair. You know my name, and you never really told me yours.”

“I’ll tell you, if we ever meet again, Doyoung,” you smiled softly at him, a hint of sadness washing over you. You knew that you probably will never meet him again.

Doyoung grabbed your hand, squeezed it once, twice before getting out of your car. The horizon started to turn orange with the sun coming up as you watched Doyoung walk away, his mask back on his face.

And so the night ended.

You wandered around Namdaemun market. It was earlier than usual, the sun only started to set.

You spent your day off walking around in the city, even visited your parents for lunch and suggested to them that you should go to your brother’s grave together for the anniversary of his death. Things were getting better, you dared to say. You still had bad days, where only driving around would help you, but escaping your depressing thoughts weren’t that easy.

For the last three years you always took this day off. It wasn’t a special day or anything, but you felt like you should. For three years you spent this day going anywhere but the Namdaemun market or the City Gate. You didn’t need a harsh reminder of that one particular night you spent in the company of Doyoung. That night you felt you were with someone who you understood on the deepest level and you missed that feeling. And you missed him. Which was weird because you only knew him for a night and never met him again. Day by day it seemed more likely to never see him again.

But this year, you gathered your strength and decided to go to the night market.

As more people started to crowd the streets, you went to Yoona and Minsu’s place for your usual fill of tteokbokki. You also found a nice teacup set at an antic shop on the other side of the city, which you wanted to gift to Yoona. It was packaged well and securely, so she couldn’t find out from one look what it was.

“My sweet girl! How good to see you again!” You smiled at the familiar words which you were greeted with upon your every visit. Yoona looked more tired than usually, but her eyes shined with warmth and strength.

You took a seat at the counter; it slowly became your spot at the restaurant. You already had a cup of warm tea placed in front of you, as if she was anticipating your visit already.

“I knew you would come. I told that boy to come back later, you might just be running late,” Yoona’s words made you frown. Your heart leaped into your throat at the possibilities of who she was thinking about. You swallowed back all your feelings, and tried to look nonchalant.

“What boy?”

“The one you came here with once,” she rewarded you with a look which said you should know about it better than her. “He keeps coming back every year, but you keep missing each other. Tragic, if you ask me. Not to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but you shouldn’t treat him like this. Leaving people hanging is not a nice thing to do!”

Time has stopped for a moment. You didn’t even notice the mug burning your fingers as you held it, you could only think about Yoona’s words.

The boy you came here with once… Doyoung. It only could be Doyoung. He was here. He came here every year, looking for you at the only place where he knew he might find you.

“I… I never knew he came back. I only met him that one time.” You tried to defend yourself, and Yoona’s expression softened, then a mischievous smile took over her features.

“It must be fate, then.”

“You never told me he kept coming back here.”

“Well, I thought you were trying to avoid him for some reasons. Young love can be unpredictable even for an old soul like me.”

Dismissing that anticipating feeling in your chest, you willed yourself to change the subject. Yoona almost cried while opening your gift, even called Minsu out for a moment, so he could admire it too. The little restaurant was busier than it used to be, so you could only exchange a few words with the old man before he had to return to the kitchen. Talking with them filled your soul to the fullest, yet you were missing something.

Knowing that Doyoung was at the Namdaemun market looking for you made you do silly things. Like gazing at the door every time it opened, hoping it was Doyoung arriving. You barely had any luck, but you still kept doing it. You told yourself you would only stay an hour, but you kept staying until you finally confessed to yourself: you wouldn’t leave until he would finally came back here.

After eating a plate of tteokbokki, you switched your tea with coffee. You were sipping the second cup already. There were fewer people, most of them went out to discover the market and Yoona went to the kitchen to help Minsu clean up a bit.

Someone came in again, and you looked at them for a second, then turned back to your coffee. Then back to the newcomer.

It was Doyoung. He had a mask on, but the same dark hair and eyes from three years ago greeted you like a wave of fresh air. You unknowingly held your breath, only exhaled when the corner of his eyes crinkled, indicating a smile. You returned it without thinking, slipping out of your seat.

Standing there awkwardly, Doyoung was the first one to move. He walked to you, pulling out a bouquet of pink camellias from behind his back. You felt your face heating up as he held out the flowers for you. The tip of his ears were red, too, you noticed.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said in a soothing tone, and you chuckled at his words. Yes, for three years, he was looking and waiting for you.

“I know,” you answered. You could see it in his eyes that he understood exactly what you were feeling. He was feeling it, too.

Your fingers brushed his when you took the bouquet, smelling the flowers. They were sweet, just as the gesture of giving them to you.

“I wanted to tell you; you were right. It got better. And also, you owe me your name.”

He pulled his mask down as you sat back to the counter and didn’t answer him immediately, Yoona brought out another cup of coffee for him, and smiled knowingly as she disappeared again.

You couldn’t stop smiling, and it seemed Doyoung felt the same.

“I told you to call me Jude once.” Hearing your answer a pout formed on his lips.

“And you also said that you will tell me your name if we meet again. And we did.” He drummed with his fingers on the wooden counter, eyes avoiding yours for a moment. “It would be weird to ask you on a date without knowing your name, wouldn’t it?”

You blushed at his words. Your heart fluttered dangerously in your chest. Gulping down a sip of coffee, your gaze left his eyes. He was still not looking at you as he waited for your reaction. You played with the shanks of the camellias as you muttered your name and looked back at him again.

His dark eyes finally locked on yours, shining with a warm light in them. He smiled as he placed his hand on yours.

“Hello, Y/N! I’m Doyoung, and I think I’m three years late with asking you to a second date.”

“Second?” You questioned him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Yes. Don’t tell me you don’t remember the first one. It would make things a little awkward.”

“Then remind me, please.”

“Well, I jumped into your car and you took me here. We ate tteokbokki and talked until dawn. I believe you stole my heart that night, but you refused to even tell me your name.”

He took away your breath with his easy confession. He said it so freely as if it was common knowledge. Maybe to him it was, since you both had three years to mull over your feelings.

“You will hold a grudge over it forever, huh?” You teased him.

“Maybe. But a smart woman once told me that time can solve a lot of things, so who knows?”

You laughed at his words, basking in the light atmosphere of a slowly budding love.

You felt happy as you ordered a second plate of tteokbokki, and officially started your second date with Doyoung.

#nct #nct fanfic #nct fluff #doyoung #doyoung fanfic #doyoung fluff #badlands series

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