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bugcuti3 · 2 months

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What If Im Insane?

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀chapter one of More Than You Bargained For •°. *࿐ series masterlist

pairing : Luke Castellan x child of Aphrodite!reader

you remember how you figured out there was something wrong with you and made some genuine friends, or what you thought were genuine friends. You remember why you stopped talking to Luke Castellan.

Warnings: negative talk, neglect, mental health, negative thoughts, NOT PLOT ACCURATE, PRE TLT

aﾉn — AGAIN NOT A WRITER JUST A CRAZY CRAZY GIRL WITH A HYPERFIXATION. Reposting for the millionth time because im dumb as rocks LOLL

3.6k words

Luke Castellan and his stupid hovering.

Luke has been following you around camp for months now in a constant attempt to apologize and explain to you. You thought it didn't bother you. The whole not talking for a whole and suddenly hanging out all day together thing. You kept wanting to make excuses for him like, it's not like you were that close, you just went to the same school that doesn't mean anything.

You and Luke went to the same high school. You were both in the same grade, freshmen. You can't say you knew him, that's not true. You were best friends. Keyword: were.

He was always charming people even before he knew he was a demi-god. And so were you. Daughters of Aphrodite always have at least a handful of passionate admirers. None of them stood out, of course, you liked the attention well and good but you decided that when you fell in love you wanted it to be just right.

Not too tall. Not too short. Not short-tempered. Not abrasive. Just right.

He always stood out to you. And now looking back you were pretty sure he thought the same about you.

See, while you never really talked. The odd glances weren't forgettable, almost as if you could sense the other was different. just like you.

He didn't owe you friendship. You knew that but it stung that the one last piece you had of home seemed to forget the first time you both noticed that you and him were one and the same.

You thought you were going crazy. With both ADHD and dyslexia, you thought it was just your luck that you would have yet another thing wrong with your brain. You were convinced that your ugly brain had been mistakenly put into the body of a pretty girl.

The final straw had to be your favorite art teacher turning into something that more closely resembled a bat…no a dragon? You didn't don't know. Turned out that pretending to enjoy your art pieces and treating you like a daughter was just a ploy to get you close enough to bite your head off. But why???

It was all too much. You had about 30 seconds to react before you found a way to defend yourself and she burst into gold flecks of ash.

You splash cold water on your face in the bathroom for about the millionth time. I have got to get on some medication. The realization that you must genuinely be going insane suddenly felt incredibly heavy in your mind. so heavy it felt like your shoulders could no longer hold up your head. Or your body for that matter. Oh god, I have to sit down.

You rush into one of the stalls in the bathroom. And sit on the floor, practically crushing your head between your knees. Come on get it together, you're stronger than this. Nevermind. Large tears start to stream down your face. You make an effort to wipe them away harshly, making your face red and raw in the process. It's no use. You'll end up one of those people that get put away in an institution. You'll never be normal as much as you pretend to be.

Then the door of the bathroom opens. Shit. you cover your mouth in desperation to cover up the sobs that have turned more into hiccups when someone speaks.

“Hello? Is someone in here?”.

You are not sure why you bother to respond, the situation is hardly funny but you make a joke anyway for reasons you can't explain.

“No”.

The person chuckles and stands there for a second. Listening you guess, deciding whether they care or not. Why would they care why the girl in the bathroom is ugly crying on the floor?

“Can I come in?”.

You imagine the only reason you agree is because you miss that. Being understood. You don't acknowledge the thought usually but in this moment of desperation, you're willing to let someone in.

The stupid dirty bathroom stall that is.

You stand up to unlock the stall door not bothering to open the door for your bathroom company. You sit back down on the floor, I know gross but the sitting options are a little limited. Especially with the new addition.

“Hi”.

Why did it have to be him?

“Hi, Luke”.

“Sorry, I know it's kinda weird for me to ask to come into your bathroom stall”.

You laugh a little, continuing to wipe the tears off your face.

“It's okay”.

He smiles at you

“I think I'm going crazy”, you confess honestly.

He hesitates to respond for a second, probably mulling over the idea of calling the school counselor to deal with you instead.

“Me too”, he adds meeting your eyes.

Now that makes your ears perk up.

“What do you mean?”.

“I think we're the same… I mean I'm sorry about the art teacher…I know you liked her”

At that moment it should've been strange that Luke said that you both were the same but what stood out was why he knew you liked the art teacher and how he knew what had happened.

“How do you know that?”.

“I mean I was walking by and looked in the little window on the door y’know? And the room was a mess and I started asking around what happened to her, right? And everyone was pretending like she never even existed, nevermind the fact that she worked here”.

“No not that, how did you know I like- liked her?”, the event is so fresh in your mind, that you forget she is gone now.

“Oh”. He responds sheepishly and his ears turn a shade of red.

“I stay late for sports and when I pass by you're always there I don't know…I just notice you I guess”

“Oh okay”. You are about to leave it there but you suddenly remember when he said that you were the same. What did he mean by that?

“What do mean? Were the same?”.

“I guess I'm not sure myself but I have this friend. Her name is Thalia. I just get this feeling when I'm with her and I get the same feeling with you, I can't describe it”.

Okay, now it just sounds like he can't keep it in his pants. You turn your head to the side avoiding eye contact.

“Not that!! I just! I told you I can't explain it- oh god now I sound like an idiot”, his hand goes up to facepalm himself with a loud smack.

You turn your head back to face him and laugh at the fact that his ears have somehow turned an even deeper shade of red.

“Hey, you stopped crying”, he says as he removes his hand from his face.

“Oh yeah, I didn't even notice”.

You take your hand and wipe at your now dry face.

Luke and You sit there for a good thirty minutes as he explains the odd things that have been happening to him, school, and everything in between.

It was a short conversation but you swear you've never felt so understood before. It was as if he opened the top of your head and read all of your most deep and insecure thoughts. It felt…good.

You thought after that you had finally gained a real friend. A best friend even. And it seemed like you had for about a good couple of days. He introduced you to his friend Thalia and even invited you to eat with them. You felt seen. You had a pretty big friend group but it was always surface level it felt natural to have all the pretty girls sit at lunch together. That's just how things had to be you thought.

But now you can say you had real friends. friends that understood every part of you, even the ugly parts. They were easy to get along with. You had quickly become best friends. Going to each other's houses, and riding your bikes together, your freshman year finally started looking up!

Until one day they weren't at the lunch table as usual. Okay weird? But who knows maybe they caught the same stomach bug, they’ll be here tomorrow.

Maybe a doctor's appointment? A cold? A vacation? A terminal illness?

It had been a month since you had seen either Luke or Thalia. And it hurt. Bad.

The whole experience had brought up some ugly memories.

Your father left you with your grandma when you were just a baby. A stupid irresponsible decision on his part as she could barely take care of you let alone herself. Your dad told you that your mother died in childbirth. That was probably why he hated you. You took her away from him and there was nothing you could do to apologize.

You wouldn't see Luke again until the end of that month. A particular bad monster encounter led you to camp-half blood. A sanctuary recently made for demigods. Demigods like you apparently.

You had been at camp for a couple of days now, not that you could see much of it while you were in the infirmary. A new long scar made its way up the length of your neck. Injuries made from magic were always the hardest to heal an Apollo kid had told you.

You insecurely scratch at the new addition as you are escorted to the Hermes cabin. Where you would be staying till you found your place I guess.

After whoever was escorting you left, you didn't bother to remember his name and even if you had you definitely wouldn't now. Now that you saw him.

Luke Castellan, son of Hermes. Gods what a joke.

It was getting annoying now. When you first arrived at the Hermes cabin you were shocked when your eyes met Luke Castellan. His eyes trailed all over your face trying to figure out if you were a vision created by his brain to trick him. His eyes grew to saucers when he realized you were real. His smile grew when he realized that he was right. You two were the same. Demigods. no longer separated. you got here safe.

As quickly as his smile grazed your face it fell when his eyes made their way down to the new long scar that has crawled up your neck.

You didn't know it then but after Thalia, he was absolutely desperate for a piece of home and some reassurance that someone familiar to him wouldn't be ripped away from him again. So when he saw the new rough scar that ruined your once soft beautiful skin, his heart dropped to his stomach. The new realization hit him like a ton of bricks that yes while you got here safe and sound he almost lost you too.

A heavy sigh racks his lungs as he steps closer to you. Your face fails you when your eyes meet his, forgetting your anger you smile widely at him and launch yourself into his arms for a hug. You fit together like a puzzle and you almost forget everything that you lost to get here. The hug should feel strange and awkward but it doesn't it feels right and safe. You let out a relieved sigh and pry yourself from his arms to get a look at his face.

Luke gently traces the scar on your neck with a look of remorse and sorrow and you can't place why yet. Desperate, the words come out of his mouth like word vomit, he's so excited to see you that he's surprised that it isn't actual vomit.

“You're here it's really you! You're here and you're safe. What happened? Oh, look at your neck. What did this? Who did this?”

You shake your head vigorously in hopes the faster you shake your head the faster the worry will leave his trembling voice.

“I'm fine I’m fine”.

Still tracing the new addition to your skin he says shamefully, “Doesn't look like it”.

You take his hand off your throat and hold it by his side in your hand.

Suddenly you remember your second best friend, Thalia. you start looking around the Hermes cabin excitedly, anticipating your second reunion, but it never comes.

Again your eyes reach the Hermes boy searching wordlessly for an explanation “Thalia?” you say simply.

His head hangs low avoiding eye contact almost anticipating this question from your lips.

His reaction makes you sick to your stomach. “Luke? Where is she?”.

He raises his head finally meets your eyes and simply shakes his head. His lips are unable to utter the words in some kind of refusal to admit the truth.

The betrayal of losing Thalia is added to the long list of other betrails the gods have bestowed upon you. The sudden gain and loss of a friend strikes you deep in your gut.

Realizing this you take a big step away from Luke's arms. His blood runs cold.

“You left,” you say slowly and calmly.

Remembering the love and understanding that he had stolen from you just a month before. Being the son of the god of thieves suits him.

“Wait you have to understand-” he attempts to defend himself before you cut him off.

“You left me! You took Thaila with you and you both just left? Knowing we were the same you left me?”.

You're not able to hide the pain and sorrow in your voice and you cant bother to care. You deserve to feel abandoned. Because that's what happened, you were abandoned. Again.

“You don't understand- it wasn't a planned-out thing! Things got too much- we left in the middle of the night! We found Annabeth! We couldn't go back for you- i- im-”.

His attempts to explain come out unfinished and choppy leading them to sound like nothing more than excuses. Curse his stupid mouth. His mind is running a million miles an hour trying to figure out what to say, anything to stop you from coming to your own terrible conclusions. Of course that doesn't go to plan either.

“Save it Castellan”. It took all your strength to turn and walk away from him, if you were any weaker you're sure your legs would've failed you and you would've fallen to your knees right there.

…

Ever since your sour reunion with Luke, he hasn't strayed too far from your side following you like he was a dog and you were his man. Every word uttered from his mouth was another attempt to change your mind about his betrail. Thats what it was in the end though, a betrayal.

It was fine you decided. You didn't need him. You didn't need anyone. If people wanted to abandon you that was just fine, you would just leave them before they left you.

So every day and at every moment he spent either trying to explain to you or trying to coax you with sweet words and gifts. From lunch, to even the bathrooms Luke would give you bits and pieces of the story to try to change your mind. Doing everything in his power to convince you that he did not betray you but that it was all just a big misunderstanding.

But all you were hearing were excuses and lies.

It was late at night and you were getting ready for bed in the camp bathroom, brushing your teeth angrily and staring at yourself in the mirror. It has been a long day of your loyal dog nipping at your heels. At least you could find peace in the bathroom.

“Can you please just talk to me?”.

Nevermind.

You were committed to the silent treatment but even you had your limits, and besides his persistent attempts to gain your favor back were kind of endearing. If you could even call it that.

“What is there to talk about?”. You say simply spitting into the sink. The water washes away your toothpaste that has been stained red.

He responds baffled and exasperated, “What do you mean what is there to talk about?”.

You look at him in the mirror and quirked up your brow, if you were going to accept his apology you weren't going to make it easy for him.

He rolls his eyes, it's obvious you know exactly what he's talking about but he explains anyway. It's been months of him following you around like a lost puppy maybe you really did forget.

“Us, me, you? Ring any bells?”.

You finally turn to face him with an unimpressed look on your face.

“Please…say anything, scream, yell, hit me I just- I can't take the silence anymore”. Luke sounds desperate now. You've failed to realize how much this is actually affecting him. His last bit of home wants nothing to do with him.

His plee gets the better of you. The desperation in his voice a tone you know all too well. A tone that you recognize from your own, just a child begging her father for forgiveness and attention for a crime she did not commit.

“Can I be honest with you?”.

“Always”. He states simply. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Great come on”. You grab your small of toiletries and his hand and lead him out of the bathroom and into the woods.

“It's late you know, the harpies will be out soon”.

“What are you scared Castellan? I never took you for the rule follower type”, you smirk at him.

Now you were just trying to get under his skin.

He missed this playful tone in your voice, he’ll do anything if it means it'll stick around. So he plays along.

“Me a rule follower? Never”.

You reach a small clearing in the forest and settle yourself onto a log, patting the place next to you and inviting him a seat.

He takes it leaning in, it's been too long not hearing your voice. So he hangs on to every word you offer him scared that it’ll be the last time he hears them.

“Perfect so I imagine you won't go around spreading my dirty laundry”, You smile mischievously at him. Now you're just stalling and he knows it.

“Spill it”. Now it's his turn to spread the sass.

“Fine fine, but you have to promise to not interrupt. I'm really opening up here”.

He takes your hand in his and nods in reassurance. A wordless response that seems to say “Go on I'm listening”.

You take a deep breath, thankful for the pressure of his hand in your own. It helps stop your hand from shaking.

“I'll be honest and say I think you're an asshole for leaving me behind”.

His mouth opens with something to say but you place your finger over his lips to stop any words from spilling out. You know what he's going to say anyway. He's said it about a million times already.

“I know I know you're sorry, it's okay I believe you”. You take your finger off his lips and look away.

“Being here has just been hard you know, its a lot to process”.

You’d turn your head to look at him, but you can already see his intense and understanding stare in the corner of your eye and you don't know if you could look at him without breaking down. So instead you continue.

“He abandoned me you know… my dad. When I got a little older I would call and text him, begging him to come back for me…to love me”.

You look up at the stars now. The stars are so bright tonight, it must be your mothers…whoever she was…idea of an apology.

“I never knew why he left me, I assumed it was because he couldn't afford to take care of me.

It was just all because he said I looked too much like my mother”. Your face grows hot a red. You've never admitted this to anyone.

“Right before I came to camp. My grandma-she-”. Much like Luke, the words get stuck in your throat, scared that saying that your grandpa had passed would make the fact you were completely alone true.

“I was in the foster system for a little bit”. You stiffen and straighten your back, doing your best to regain your composure.

“They couldn't keep me for long though, I ran away before they could stick me with some random family. So it was just me alone for a while. That's when some monster attacked me and gave me this sick souvenir”.

You attempt to lighten the mood and point to the scar on your neck.

But the weight of your words are heavy and the way Luke stays silent makes it obvious that the joke didn't exactly land.

“So when me and Thalia left…”. Luke trails off connecting the dots, imagining all the horrible things you must have felt.

“Gods, I'm such an idiot”. His head falls into his hands. His shoulders were not able to hold up his head anymore as now they were holding pounds of guilt on them.

“You didn't know, no one does”. You pat him on the back.

“I’ll be honest I needed to think about things anyway, you know finding out that my mom isn't dead…but also some random goddess. It's a lot to think about, I don't think I would've been good company anyway”.

You smirk at him when he finally looks back up at you. Unfallen tears clear in his eyes.

“I am so sorry”. His voice cracks a little.

“I know you are”. You smile sadly at him.

You clear your throat, “Well let's head to bed, I wouldn't want the harpies to eat us after such a heartfelt conversation”.

You pick yourself up from your makeshift seat on the log and wipe the invisible dirt off your shorts.

You offer a hand to him. A symbol of forgiveness. A silent promise to stick to the other side. No more abandoning. No matter the circumstances. He didn't know how wrong he would be.

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