brydonhoward

[brydonhoward]

It’s been a hell of a year for tunes! 👏🏻🎧🎼

#spotify #wrapped #spotify wrapped #2017 #music #funny

[brydonhoward]

WHAT IS THE TRUTH??

#kellyanne conway #miley cyrus #Hannah Montana #trump administration #truth

[brydonhoward]

Reasons I should be on Survivor

1) I am an Eagle Scout. 2) I have watched every season of Survivor. I have never missed an episode. This was listed as one reason for my divorce. 3) I once spent 37 consecutive hours trying to teach my Furby how to deliver a scathing insult to my rival in high school. This shows courage and dedication, which is invaluable in a tribe. This also shows a deeply flawed psyche with a penchant for irrational vengeance, which is an essential requirement for victory in Survivor, not to mention a good hint at a future career in politics. 4) I know the importance of searching for hidden immunity idols. I frequently look through my neighbor’s possessions. 5) I am adept at starting fires without flint, which brings me to my next point… 6) I have thrice been convicted of arson. This shows a flair for the dramatic. 7) I never had a Furby as a child. I lied; you believed me. You are the first casualty to my gamesmanship. 8) I know how to use semicolons. This one probably isn’t very relevant, but it feels important at the moment. 9) I am a real student of the game. I love Survivor. 10) I am a real student of The Game. Like, the rapper. I love mid-2000’s rap. Check out my mixtape on SoundCloud. 11)  I have many unique skills applicable to Survivor. I cannot swim, I have never completed a puzzle in my live, and I am too afraid to open my eyes underwater, and I can’t hold a marker. But I can hold a grudge. My old Furby chewed up my Now That’s What I Call Music! 3 cassette, and I still talk about it. 12) I lied; I actually did have a Furby. 13) Alliance-building is key. In college, people thought Casey was a cool guy. I formed a super-alliance and started a rumor that Casey was actually a narc. Casey showed up dead three days later. I am very proud of this. 14) I am a psychopath. 15) Wee-tee-kah-wah-tee 16) I am a Furby.

#survivor #skills #tv #cast me #furby

[brydonhoward]

Notes app of a Trump Campaign speechwriter got hacked. Leaked concession speech rough drafts.

#2016 elections #Donald Trump #satire #wikileaks

[brydonhoward]

#debate #2016 elections #hillary clinton #donaldtrump

[brydonhoward]

Make Horoscopes Great Again! Horoscopes with Her!

#election 2016 #donald trump #hillary clinton #horoscope #funny #satire

[brydonhoward]

Nice, France.

People will be eager to tell you that the world is a more dangerous place than it’s ever been, a more violent place than ever, a more hateful place than ever, and that you need to live in fear. And because we’re a generation who sees civil wars, world wars, and holocausts as mostly abstract concepts, it will be so tempting and easy to believe them. But those are lies. Those are the same lies that forces of evil in this world have always wanted to convince people of because when we believe them, we become fearful, untrusting, wary, and hateful of others, and that plays into their hands perfectly. So as I’m sitting here heartbrokenly watching a death count in France get larger and larger, I’m pained by vivid memories of standing on the sidewalk at Place de la Bastille on November 13th doing the same thing, wondering where to go and what was safe anymore. But I’m also reminded of the gracious Arab man driving an uber who was brave enough to stop and pick up four unknown men, two French and two American, who needed a ride to somewhere safe.

Don’t believe lies, you guys. Don’t give into fear and hate. And love people! Because that doesn’t play into their hands. Dammit, you guys, do not stop loving each other. For God’s sake, don’t ever stop loving people - everybody - because the divisions we hold on to so strongly are too arbitrary. 🇫🇷😔

#france #prayfornice #nice #jesuisparis #love

[brydonhoward]

When you ask your friend to buy you some bath salts, but they thought you meant the hard street-drug, and naturally they decided to try some, and then in their stupor, they interrupt your bath and stab you in the chest. Lol, am I right? OMG! 😆 (at Musée du Louvre)

[brydonhoward]

Tbt to my final trip to The Louvre. (at Musée du Louvre)

#louvre #museedulouvre #funny #classical #art

[brydonhoward]

This is the cover of my upcoming album titled "Cool", which will be dropping in the near future. It consists of 12 🔥 bangers about raclette and red wine. Excited to share it with all my fans. #miitomo

#miitomo

[brydonhoward]

One of my good students was wearing this sweater today. He knows what the words mean. My favorite part is that "Cupcake" is singular. The implication that a stoned person would limit themselves to only one cupcake. Also this would make for one hell of an album cover.

[brydonhoward]

This is exactly how I want to remember Paris for the rest of my life. Voilà le Paris dont je veux me souvenir pour toujours. (at Place de la Bastille)

[brydonhoward]

#starwars #bb8

#starwars #bb8

[brydonhoward]

When she has a one-night-stand with Death, and the next morning he's like "listen it didn't mean anything; we were just having fun." (à Musée d'Orsay (officiel))

[brydonhoward]

Athletic Gear Manufacturer Faces Backlash After Removing “Merry Christmas” from Cups

            Following the oddly passionate struggle against the supposedly left-wing, socialist, and Christ-hating corporation, Starbucks, for their irrationally offensive holiday cups, a new company is facing the public’s scorn. Shock Doctor, a leading manufacturer of protective athletic gear, such as jockstraps and athletic cups, is in hot water after removing the phrase “Merry Christmas” from the red athletic cups it sells every year around the holiday season. The red cups have long been a staple gift in the stockings of each and every baseball enthusiast on Christmas morning. This year, however, consumers in the Southeast United States are deeply troubled by the lack of mention of our Lord and Savior on a piece of hard plastic worn in front of male genitalia to prevent traumatic injury to the testicles. Economic forecasts for the company have thus been downgraded.            When reached for his opinion on the outcry, Shock Doctor CEO, Tony Armand, confessed, “Honestly, we’ve all been quite surprised by the reaction. We didn’t remove ‘Merry Christmas’ because we hate Jesus.” When pressed to provide a more clear reason for the changes, Mr. Armand stated, “We just removed the words because a new member of the janitorial staff eloquently told us, ‘It’s weird as shit to have that written on an athletic cup.’ None of us had ever thought about how stupid that is.” The accomplished corporate executive paused for two long seconds and then continued, “Needless to say, right now the consumers online have really been busting our balls about it.” The CEO delivered this final sentence with a coy half-smile typically seen in a terrible yearbook photo of a stupid middle schooler while glancing at his business partner, who proceeded to chortle and choke on his soda like a stupid middle schooler. A series of elaborate handshakes and high-fives followed. Fellow executive, Bob McDavid, was quoted as saying, “Oh man! Bro, I get it. Good one!” This was his sole comment on the matter of the Christmas cups.            The Shock Doctor CEO was deliberate to point out that the product change is not a result of an imaginary “War on Christmas.” The company has, in fact, overhauled its entire line of holiday protective cups, not just those associated with the Christian faith. Notably, the phrase “Happy Hanukkah” was recently removed from a line of light blue cups, a change that has offended a couple of Jewish customers. “To be fair,” CEO Armand clarified, “we do still sell a product that has ‘Mazel Tov’ written on it, but it’s really designed specifically as protection for adult men recovering from a late-in-life circumcision. So it’s not exactly the same thing.”

#satire #starbucks #redcup #baseball

[brydonhoward]

🇫🇷 (à Place de la Republique)

[brydonhoward]

I hear Drake is doing the soundtrack for the new Star Wars movie. #starwars #drake #hotlinebling #music #funny

#starwars #drake #hotlinebling #music #funny