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bngtanah · 1 year

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All I’ve Ever Known | [prologue]

pairing: idol!hoseok x backup dancer!oc genre: tragedy; romance; angst; pregnancy rating: mature | explicit word count: 3k summary: Ari and Hoseok are star-crossed lovers. With a love that burns so intensely they are constantly on the brink of combusting. After years of dating, marriage and a litany of unresolved fights and arguments the pair are on their final attempt to fix the broken pieces of their marriage. What happens when an unexpected surprise threaten to bring them closer than ever before or drive them apart for good?

warnings: This story will contain adult themes beyond just smut (though, there will be quite a lot of that unfortunately lol). This story will tackle topics like loss, emotional abuse, mentions of suicide, divorce, miscarriage, spousal abuse, mental illness and codependency. If any of that is triggering for you, I’d suggest you skip this one. I will of course label each chapter with its own unique warnings.

Ari’s eyebrows were stitched together in an unforgiving glare, fists clenched so tightly her knuckles were nearly turning white and her lips were pursed together in such a thin line they nearly disappeared all together on her face. “You know exactly what I want from you!” She yelled again, the stoic stare Hoseok gave her in return only making her more angry. Although there was no possible way he could know why she was so upset, Ari was never quite good at explaining herself and she honestly didn’t understand why she got so angry with him sometimes; she just did.

This time didn’t start out any differently than the others, he said something just a little bit out of the way for her and that was all it took to set her off, guns blazing and swear words flying out of her mouth at one hundred miles a minute. Her brown eyes, tinted darker with anger, had watched him in a stunned silence as he moved away from standing in front of her, opting to move outside to their patio in a small attempt to escape her barrage of words.

They had been going at it for hours now and honestly Ari was getting tired. Not just of the arguments but everything all together. They had only been married for a few years, many people would consider them right at the cusp of the newlywed stage. It was supposed to be all smiles and nothing but sex and staying up all night talking for them. Of course, it had started out that way. The first few months of their marriage were almost what one might describe as blissful, but then slowly it all started to unravel.

Little arguments and disagreements started over nonsensical things and became bigger and bigger until the pair could barely stand to look at each other afterwards. The smallest offense would inevitably end in a screaming match and the police being called to their residence by concerned neighbors who were genuinely trying to do the right thing. Make up sex became something foreign and Ari would be lucky if she felt her husband's hand brush her shoulder on occasion. They both did all they could to avoid being close to one another.

Hoseok wasn’t entirely to blame. Not really. Ari was much more difficult to live with than she cared to realize. She bottled her feelings up until they exploded all over the people she cared about and attributed her anger at other things to something small like Hoseok leaving the toilet seat up. A sigh pushed through her lips and Ari lowered her gaze, moving to rest her body on the edge of their shared king sized bed.

She watched in silent fury as her husband’s lithe body carried him even further away from her, outside to their patio and onto that hideous patio chair she’d hated every since the day Hoseok brought it into their home. She knew what was about to happen and it took everything in her power not to run over to him and smack the cigarette right out of his mouth when she saw him jostle the white stick out of its container.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she asked haltingly as she pushed herself off their bed and stomped toward his location, her arms remaining pinned to her side. Ari could deal with most of the other things but one thing she could not do was sit ideally by and watch him actively kill himself. Her hand reached forward and snatched the object from between his lips holding it up as if it disgusted her just to touch it “Do want to die? Is that what you want Hoseok? To die and..…”.

‘Leave me here alone’, is what she wanted to say but she refused to give him the benefit of thinking that she actually cared about his well being at this moment. “I can’t keep doing this, If you want to sit around and let your life waste away then do that but don’t ask me to stick around and watch” She sighed deeply and let her hands drop to her sides in defeat the cigarette lazily falling to the ground.

“I think we should see a marriage counselor or an exorcist or something because we both know this isn’t working anymore. This stopped working a long time ago.”

Ari expected him to continue ignoring her, and he did at first, simply grabbing another cigarette from the carton and lighting the end before looking up at her with a deadpan expression.

“I never asked you to watch,” he spat through clenched teeth. Jumping from his seat and making Ari stumble backwards in response, Hoseok towered over the smaller woman. His face red and his jaw clenching and unclenching while his fists did the same at his side.

“I want you to shut the fuck up. Just shut up for once.” Speaking slowly, breathing through flared nostrils, Hoseok never broke eye contact with his wife. The words still burning on his lips, there was a time when he would never have thought to swear at her when they argued. Through time, and after having Ari break down almost every defense he had, that restraint had all but disappeared and he just couldn’t help himself anymore. It was like she didn’t understand anything else.

“If you wanna see some dumbass therapist, go ahead. I won't be going with you. But you’re right…” With his voice still low, he maneuvered his way around her and walked back into their bedroom, knowing full well she was right behind him. “This shit isn’t working.”

“So that’s it? You’re just completely checking out of this relationship? You don’t even want to try and make this better?”

She wondered in moments like this one why they were still together. Her standing there with her arms crossed over her chest in a silent smolder, him refusing to even look in her direction. It was clear they did nothing but vex each other when they were together, so why continue to bother with a relationship? They’d probably be better off finding people more suited to them if they had the courage to bury their relationship and start over again, but then she looked at him. Really looked. Her deep brown eyes trailed over his body, even though she could tell he wanted nothing more than to be rid of her right now, it caused her inner defenses to crumble to ash within her. Her guard was still up on the exterior but deep inside she knew why she was still here. She was here, with him, because she was in love with him. It was just as simple as that.

“Did I say that? Don’t put words into my mouth, Ari. All I said was that you were right— this isn’t working.” Hoseok exhaled deeply, he finally broke and matched her gaze. She was resting against the glass of the sliding door, looking broken and so damn tired. It was like looking into a mirror. And it killed him.

“Maybe…” he started off, closing his eyes for a moment and running a hand through his hair. “Maybe we should… separate for a little bit.”

Ari’s lips pressed together, pursed in a thin line and she shook her head, not to say ‘no’ but to really allow what he was proposing to go through her head. Growing up in a house where her parents did nothing but fight until they gathered the good sense to leave each other alone, Ari always promised herself that if she ever got married she would do things differently. She dreamt of being the perfect wife, one that would put her mother to shame and yet here she was. Practically turning into a replica of the woman, unnecessary blow ups and all.

Her arms that had been folded over her chest slowly fell to her sides and her eyes locked onto his, biting back tears that she refused to shed in his presence. She wanted to move, to sit next to him on their bed and share some sense of normalcy with her husband for the first time in what felt like months. But she didn’t; she stayed where she was, body pressed against the cold glass as she allowed his words to truly wash over her and seep into her skin.

He was leaving her.

After all her years of pushing him to the break he was finally going to do it and Ari couldn’t even remember why they were fighting in the first place. With a sharp inhale Ari pushed herself off the glass door, moved toward their closet and began pulling down her clothing into heaps that landed on the floor. She didn’t want to answer him, she didn’t feel as if she really had to anyway. If separation was what he wanted it was going to happen whether or not Ari was in agreement. The familiar sting of tears fluttered at the back of her eyes but she pushed it away, she was done being vulnerable around someone who could cut her so deeply with just a few words.

“Ari, I’ll go. You can stay here,” she could hear him pitch in from outside their closet door, and she caught his eyes watching her quick and harsh movements when she spared him one harsh look and even noted the gentle tone he’d taken when he spoke. Truthfully, there was no reason why she should leave when he was the one who brought a separation up anyway.

“I’ll go stay with Ji-woo,” he softly spoke, referring to his older sister.

Despite all this Ari still kept at her mission, tearing down clothes and organizing them into piles on the floor, all without a word. She supposed this display was to make a point; that she didn’t need to stay here no matter how much she wanted to. She had the option to leave just as readily as he did and even if it was childish, she still needed him to know that in some way she had just as much opportunity to have a life without him in it.

She kept tearing away and tossing down what was hers, completely ignoring his actions until she felt the cool touch of his arm breezing past hers. It was the first time she remembered feeling his touch in months, no matter how distant the action was it made her stop what she was going and look at him. She didn’t actually want to leave her house but she didn’t want him to leave either, even if in some small way she knew this would be good for them. It could be good or it could be the final nail in their coffin, just another gigantic sign that their marriage was on its last legs.

“Don’t make this a soap opera, Ari. Unpack,” his voice was rough and his words sounded clipped.

Grabbing a few articles of clothing, he folded them as best as he could before placing them in a duffle bag. Ari knew he didn’t really want to leave— sleeping on his sister’s couch while being tortured by his twin nephews didn’t seem like the ideal situation— but he started this and there was no going back on it now Ari sighed and stared at the pitiful display of clothes in his duffle bag and reached in to refold nearly everything he’d just packed, placing them back neatly. He may be leaving her but she was still his wife and thus he still represented her whenever he went anywhere. He was never the best with laundry and the last thing she wanted was for anyone else to feel like she was incapable of looking after him. Ari looked up at him once she placed the last piece of clothing in his bag.

“When are you coming back?” She asked, actually sounding demur, all the fight in her had dissolved by now.

“I, uh… I dunno. Maybe in a few weeks. We just need some time apart.” He sputtered and threw his now neatly packed duffle bag over his shoulder. “I’ll, uh, make sure Ji-Woo doesn’t say anything to anybody.”

Ari nodded, knowing that the media would circle like sharks if they caught even the faint smell of a story to be broken about such a polarizing couple.

“Fine..” Ari replied curtly, she may have been too tired to fight anymore but she was still upset. No part of her wanted this, him packing his things and leaving her in the middle of the night. There was some small part of her that wondered if he was actually planning on returning at all. Would she come back if she were him? Probably not, and Ari really couldn’t blame her husband for feeling that way only herself. Her arms folded over her chest and her lips pressed together to keep a powder keg of emotions that she just channeled into anger and stored away for later like she always did.

She stayed in the doorway of the closet but kept watching him as he began packing up his toiletries. It all looked so…final. Everything was happening so quickly and Ari couldn’t let herself come to terms with the fact that he was basically saying that he never wanted to see her again. Was she really that hard to get along with? She knew he deserved- they both deserved better than this time bomb of a relationship but that knowledge didn’t make it hurt any less. The tiniest part of her wanted to apologize, to tell him that whatever problems they had they could work them out because she loved him and she knew he felt the same, but she knew that would never work.

They’d passed the point of redemption now and there was no point in trying to fix what was already so broken. No matter how much she loved him, Ari had to let go.

"Tell Ji-woo and the kids I said ‘hi’” She wasn’t sure why she said that but nothing would make this situation less awkward or heartbreaking.

“I Will- um,” clearing his throat, Hoseok made his way to the doorway of their bedroom. Looking down at his wife, he pursed his lips together in an awkward expression while rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “We should, uh, do a date thing next weekend. Y’know, after we get some air and distance.”

Ari looked at him when he started speaking again, trying to commit every feature of his face to memory. Every subtle freckle, the way his mouth moved when he spoke, the small crinkle in the corners of his eyes, the way his eyebrows knitted together and shrouded his face in shadows when she could tell he didn’t know what else to say. Ari looked at him until she couldn't stand anymore, until she could feel the burning sensation of tears stinging her eyes and tugging at the back of her throat. In the past they said many hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment but none of those words had ever hurt like this did. Perhaps it was because she knew this wasn’t simply coming from a place of anger or disappointment, it wasn’t just something he’d blurted out and regretted a second later. His words came out clear and careful as if he was giving this moment too much thought and had decided that he really just wanted her to leave him be. Ari slumped her shoulders forward and nodded again.

"Yeah…we shou-” she cleared her throat so her words were no longer strained. “We should definitely do that…so I guess this would be… goodbye?” Ari asked and extended her hand to shake his. She honestly didn’t know what else to do with herself, she couldn’t bring herself to hug him.

“C’mere,” he mumbled, reaching out and wrapping an arm around her neck in a quick hug. Placing a gentle kiss on her temple, he pulled away while adjusting the straps on his shoulder. Their embrace was weird, and it left a funny feeling in Ari’s stomach— but for once, it didn’t feel like anger or distance or fakeness. Whatever it was, it was genuine.

Taking a few steps toward the bedroom door that led to the spacious hallway, he couldn’t bear to look back at her. And Ari didn’t follow him, she stayed in the same spot that she’d been in, the spot where his lips made contact with her skin still buzzing slightly.

“Uh, next weekend. Don’t forget…” he called out, descending down the staircase, his footsteps echoing against the hardwood floor. Still refusing to look back, he grabbed his keys from the table by the front door in the foyer and walked out of his home.

Ari remained in that same spot, listening as he made his way out, counting the amount of footsteps it took for him to make it out of the hallway and to the front door. The jingle of his keys made tears bubble up in her throat again and the sound of the door closing made a tear stream down her cheek.

It wasn’t until she was left with the silence of her home around her that Ari finally did let go. The floodgate of tears she’d been holding back poured from her eyes and she slid down the frame she was leaning on and crumpled into a weeping mess on her bedroom floor.

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