basementbloggingxo

[basementbloggingxo]

I’ve always been told im to quiet & that maybe if I talked more people would have more to converse with me about. It’s not that I have nothing to say it’s that I have to much. My level of conversion between one human and another takes emotional depth to make my eyes bright, if not they are dull. my brain cannot pretend to like something I don’t, I am a very easy person to read so it’s not hard for one to tell when I’m lying.

People tell me to play my music but then I do & they aren’t listening. Why is that? I am a quiet person because I say what I mean with given little chances to do so.

I am the filler person in a conversation, when a seat needs to be filled I can fill it. When laughter is cued I will join. When the fillers “yeah” & “wow!” are needed I am there. I am never the main topic which I’m fine with but I am a side topic which I’m not fine with. People will ask me what I am studying, what my political views are, & what I aspire to be in life, cut me the shit. I honestly don’t even care to answer that because you know what I couldn’t even tell you how much I’d rather not be apart of this conversation.

I am often forgotten or mistaken by name, I think that’s for my lack in conversion with others as well as my lack of interest for what others have to say. Is it pessimistic or is this just my honest opinion? Is this something I need to work on? Yes. Now don’t cut me off there I have tried to fix this problem of mine but you see then another occurs. The problem of complete blankness. I go blank when surface level conversations are occurring. Last time I remember (13 hours ago) I was involved in a blank conversation the scenario running through my mind was if someone asked me who I would want to talk to that was alive or dead. I said Kurt Cobain & then the opposer in my head asked why him he would never have an intellectual conversation & I thought about what I would say to that…is this a sign of mental illness or pure boredom that my mind takes over? I cannot decide. I have been mistaken by name (which everyone has) but it hits a little harder when it’s the ex girlfriends name. Now that’s a common thing but how common of 8 times in the 20 years of living with 4 total boyfriends in my life. It just hurts my feelings and I wish it didn’t. It hurts my feelings when people who I’ve met don’t remember they’ve even met me. It makes me feel small. Maybe I am small. Maybe I am a filler. That’s okay if I am I would like to be treated with respect as a filler & not to be called “the girl” when forgotten by name. I would like for people filled with forgetfulness to ask me about myself or have me remind them of my name. To ask me honestly how I feel and what I feel. Maybe I am a person of such depth that others cannot survive in or even touch. Maybe I am the kind of person who enjoys to make others feel welcomed & when they are not I notice & I make my way to make them feel included. That’s not a bad habit but it is a toxic one to expect from others.

Maybe my type of conversation doesn’t exist within the situations I encounter. Or maybe it’s my job to start those conversations.

[basementbloggingxo]

o

Never fucking mind 

[basementbloggingxo]

Unfortunately I am in love with a sag

#astrology

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His girl bestie made him a bracelet & he wears it everyday brb while I go die

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Yk when you like someone but can’t express it Bc you’re numb to love :(

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This may be mental but I can literally feel tik tok frying my brain it’s so weird

[basementbloggingxo]

I’m actually feeling loved atm lol this is so cute for me

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[basementbloggingxo]

editing myself

i want to change myself for the better but change takes sacrifices and i think im willing to make those. ive always had very very bad BD. growing up i was on the heavier side and “friends” at a young age would poke at my body and how i looked. someone once said behind my back that i was the “biggest in the class” and that it was funny i was wearing bras at age 9. yeah..9. do you know what that does to a person lol. moving forward to age 11 i joined gymnastics and had the goddamn time of my life, it was the only place i surprisingly felt the most comfortable given the fact i was surrounded by very skinny and fit girls. i did notice the difference between them and i so i decided to start working out with my dad 6 days a week and doing gymnastics 5 days a week. i realized i had an issue when i was going from a 2 hour gymnastics class to a 1 hour workout class at age 11. i was weak and tired by the end of it and still never felt goof about myself. food was my comfort as it is to a lot of people. i have never had a healthy relationship with food...ever. once i was thinner i thought life would be better but no thats never the case is it. At age 14 i was gaining a heavier interest in boys because most of my friends had already had a boyfriend or experience with boys at all. i wasnt to interested until i began to see how much “fun” my friends were having with boys. i had an interest in one guy in particular until i found out he had said “well shes pretty but she has no ass or tits”. okay so what if i did? then id probably be to big. writing this im realizing how fucked up that was, i was 14 and my body was already being talked about like that. i act like im surprised but im just sensitive and thats just the shitty way things are. 

high school was where i went in complete destruction mode. i would survive on coffee and apples because of how bad my BD was. i was the thinnest i had ever been but still wasnt happy with myself. i naturally have a round face and wanted to get rid of it so i starved myself not knowing the damage i was causing. i was never happy with myself so i wasnt a nice person either. i would comment on other people just the way i did with myself. i lacked empathy for anyone on the outside but on the inside i was fighting my natural empathy and urge to accept. things got worse and i got acne. it was so disturbing for me to have not only internal issues but now issues that portrayed on my face. i felt awful about myself and wanted to escape the cave i was in. my mental health was at its worst and i was caving. not only was i unhappy with how i looked i was unhappy with the way my mind worked as well. im a very shy person that comes off as awkward (another story for another day) so it was hard for me to make real friends. i wanted to be invisible. 

moving on to today i feel more accepting of myself but i am still not happy. i recently sent a random picture to a friend and it wasnt anything serious just a photo of my face at my reaction to the message. he replied with “are you the moon” i knew exactly what he meant by it commenting on my round ass face. it hurt haha. i followed that message by looking in the mirror guashing tf out of my face because i am disturbed by the shape. people say things they dont mean to come off as rude but they do. at this time i do not feel pretty or any of that sort. that comment he made will probably stick to me forever even if he wanted it to or not. just like the comments made when i was 9. or when i was 7 and my dad would tell me i shouldnt eat that or couldnt get what i wanted off the menu because it was to large, he had a point but that point made me feel awful about myself. 

so with all of that being said im going to start making sacrifices for myself to better the relationship i have with myself. i am going to make extreme changes to my diet by choosing healthier options and eating the right amount for my body. i am also going to begin a work out routine thats fun for me and keeps me motivated. every time i make changed to myself its for other people and how they perceive me , but for the first time in my life im going to do this for myself. 

- something i needed to write out, i kept this in my head for to long.

[basementbloggingxo]

my space

this is literally the only platform i have where im completely anonymous and i love that for me. as a pisces moon i have much to talk about but not space to do it where no one is lurking lol fuk irls. for some reason i always feel like im surrounded by the evil eye. and i hate to sound like that bitch speaking out of ego lol i mean it. i can never share any ideas because people will literally pray on my downfall. i once told an irl i wanted to pursue a career in the fashion industry and years later she came to me sarcastically saying “so hows your career in the fashion industry going?”. bitch. how do people even remember small details about my life? even in relationships this happens so much. i tell people about a romantic relationship and within months it falls through with irony. maybe its me? in the past i was definitely my own evil eye but after years of learning about myself (still in progress) i began to love myself (also still in progress) and people who i thought were friends were jealous of this transformation. i always feel like im being watched and therefore i rarely post on social media. i hate being perceived at all.

#pisces

[basementbloggingxo]

my standards r so low just call me gorgeous and we can d8

[basementbloggingxo]

complaining- dont mind me

i always have such a hard time saying no. lol the fact that i promised myself that i wouldnt move out in this shitty town and what do i do!? move out in this town with a piece of ass friend whos only intention was to sabotage me. how is it that deep down i knew i shouldnt have done that but still did. i ask the same question to past self sitting in a tattoo parlor getting the worst piece of art on my body knowing id hate it a week later. bitch you cant just say no!? anyway- back to the apartment. you KNEW this would happen, you move in with your shitty friend who slept with your ex thinking anything had changed but no youre still picking up her mess...literally. scrubbing on your hands and knees as she scrolls mindlessly through tiktok adding to the dishes youd have to do. still cant say no? well almost your whole savings later crying yourself to sleep because you knew this isnt where you ever wanted to be you finally said something...bravo. now that you said something you stood up and moved out (thank god) youre now the raging asshole who backed out of a lease. you know what? good. id rather be the raging asshole that cant stick to a lease than scrubbing her shit out of the toilet. yes. scrubbing literal shit that wasnt mind out of the toilet. im gagging now. that was gross. now im here. in my dads basement because i spent almost every last penny on the shittiest apartment in fuking america back to square 1. im not sorry for complaining because im angry hahaha im angry because i was supposed to be in NY attending my dream school FIT but instead i got the shitty apartment with the even shittier person. yes im upset. if you read this im sorry just needed to let some rage out and my journal wasnt enough ahahaha