balmy-angst

[balmy-angst]

“please don’t come closer unless you plan to stay”

— Unknown

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Grundy Lake, Canada by Robert Rutkay

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by Rodolphe Tavernaro

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it's funny. the way people are.

people who say they care and will be there for you disappear so easily. but people who act like they barely like you are the ones who are there for you when you need it.

the boy who lovebombed me for about a week is no where to be found because he's busy with school. but the boy who tells me I'm the most annoying person on the planet messages to check in on me even though he has a fresh baby and work and moving.

I'm afraid that I'll never find someone who meets my standards and it really makes me think I expect too much from people... but I also believe that people don't expect enough of themselves

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Green Ferns & Fog

Photographed by Freddie Ardley - Instagram

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that moment

you know it's funny... with every person I have loved I've known from the moment I met them that they would be important to me...

it's a scary feeling to have for someone you haven't even met yet

I still remember the first time seeing you haha we were probably 6. you had the deepest green eyes. my first crush. and 7 years later we became close and your eyes were the same ones I looked at and knew I would fall for when we were just kids

I can still picture you the first day of college. skinny jeans tank top and backwards hat. and I knew we would be something. it was a funny thing for a girl to think of a girl at a super conservative Christian college and so I avoided you. but you found me while I was hiding and made yourself a home in my heart. I'm grateful for the time we had even though the home kind of got trashed

seeing you for the first time was probably my favourite... kind of my ideal man. I still think of the moment you walked in and I smile. I was working in the back of the kitchen and felt an empowering energy enter the kitchen. when I turned around to see who it was I locked eyes with you and you smiled at me and I was a goner. haha someone once called your eyes small beady and dark. but I think that's what I liked about them. how the Browns of your eyes were so dark they almost looked enough like a black hole I could get lost in them.

when i saw you for the first time I thought I was crazy for getting the feeling your be someone important to me. haha I was sure you were too cool or too much of a ho to be someone important. but you were. and we were so close. and I honestly thought we would last. it's been almost a year since we met and I miss you a lot but I can't keep getting hurt

my most recent moment of knowing was online with someone I was gaming with haha. we got along well in game even though we're on the opposite team and then once I was out of game i knew you'd add me. and you did. you added me everywhere. and I knew it was dangerous. because infatuation like that doesn't last. so I made sure to enjoy all the little moments. and sure enough. today you barely spoke to me. meanwhile I'm here thinking of you when I see relationship shit haha I need help

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it's getting bad again ... by it? I mean me.

I really thought I was finally getting my life together. I guess it was just another joke on me for believing that.

I'm so tired.

I haven't been sleeping.

I haven't been eating good.

I haven't been talking to anyone.

but mostly?

I'm tired of not being good enough.

not good enough for my mom

- she hates me I'm sure and I thought after all these years of us fighting I wouldn't care. but it still hurts when I look at her and she has that mean look on her face. it hurts when I try to talk to her when we are alone and she ignores me. it hurts worse when she tries to talk to me when we are around people so that everyone thinks we are fine... because "what will they think if we are fighting? need to be a good example"

not good enough for my sister

- she is lashing out at me since mom isn't around and she is used to fighting. I can't even blame her because I understand. but it hurts a lot when she tells me I don't because I don't know what she's been through... little does she know I've been through all the same shit she has. except I did it alone. at least she has me. but I let her be mean to me and I try not to fight back too much because I know how much she's hurting.

not good enough for my self

- this is the one that hurts the most. I really thought I was doing better...

I quit drinking

I quit cutting

I quit starving myself

I quit turning off my emotions

I quit letting people use and abuse me

but all of that was not enough. I still feel like shit. and I still want to do all those self destructive things every single day. and the worst part is I don't even know what to do about it. so today goes by another day of no self harm or suicide just thinking of it allll day nd not knowing what to do.

oh well. that's my rant

#sad boi hours #sad thoughts #sad poem #sad quotes #sad poetry #sad boi #sad boi shit

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Daybreak. 72° F. 4:40 to 5:18 am. July 13, 2023. Cove Island Park, Stamford, CT. (@dkct25)

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In the enchanting embrace of the wind, a mesmerizing dance unfolds

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Winding trail

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THE BANANAS ARE GAY

THESE BANANAS

THE BANANAS IN PAJAMAS ARE GAY

BELATED HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYONE

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zachnicholz

[balmy-angst]

天授庵/石橋 Tenju-an Temple/Stone Bridge