⊠INVISIBLE STRING THEORY âăELLIE WILLIAMSăâ CHAPTER ONE
pairings: modern!marine ellie x reader
summary: the marines didnât ruin ellie. ellie ruined ellie. after being medically discharged she feels lost. being sent to live with joel is more of a last ditch effort to save her and less of a fun reunion for the father-daughter duo. jackson is worlds different than chicago, but the fresh air and sprawling countrysides are a welcome reprieve. ellie finds herself finding comfort in more than just the change in scenery though. after losing your girlfriend due to an accident you feel as though youâll never find love again- but that was before meeting ellie williams. the two of you figure out that you have more in common than just the fact that she and your girlfriend were both marines though. tethered by some invisible string, the two of you meeting has to be fate. who would have known that you were the golden ticket to ellieâs recovery?
warnings: eventual smut! lots of tension building and mutual pining. ellie falls first and hard. small town girl meets a frightening, strong ex marine. TW: talk of panic attacks, ptsd episodes and death. come for the ellie smut and stay for the plot and fluff.
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âThe fact that sheâs military is the only thing saving her ass right now.â
Ellie kept her head bowed down low, her hands clasped in between her legs as she hunched over in the seat, making herself as small as possible. Her knuckles were bruised and scrapped to hell, the blood already dried and crusted. Most of the blood wasnât hers, and if she thought about that fact for too long sheâd probably have an episode. Either that or sheâd throw up all over the sheriffâs office.
âBoss, I really appreciate you calling me instead of booking her. You have to understand that sheâs in therapy and is on a shit ton of medications. Is the guy gonna press charges. . . ?â Hearing her best friend kiss up to his boss on her behalf had the vein in her forehead twitching.
âTechnically the boy was shoplifting, so I doubt heâs gonna go forward with any sortâa legal action. I know she was trying to help, but she used excessive force. Beat the poor kid black and blue. . . I mean-â The officer lowered his voice, and Ellie could hear Jesseâs chair creak as he leaned forward. âHis damn tooth was knocked out.â The sheriff whispered.
She closed her eyes tight, running a shaky hand over her face. She should own up to all of this and apologize. This was her fault, so why. . . why was she just sitting there? It was like she was glued to the chair, unable to move her head up. She couldnât look Jesse in the eye. She was ashamed of herself.
Because she smelled like greasy, unwashed hair and cigarettes, was wearing the same pair of jeans sheâd worn yesterday when he invited her over to his and Dinaâs for dinner, and now he was having to pick her up at the police station for starting a fight.
A pack of beer. Thatâs what sheâd pummeled the boy over.
He couldnât have even been her age. He looked freshly legal, and something in her fucked up mind told her that it was okay to hurt him like that. The second that the nice elderly woman behind the counter had started screaming about a man stealing from her, some sort of switch had been flipped in her brain. Loud noises always made her feel anxious, but screaming like that? She couldnât have stopped the meltdown even if sheâd wanted to. So she dropped what she was holding and ran after him. What happened afterwards was. . . well, it was a blur. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and rubbed her temples, trying hard to remember.
Her therapist called them âPTSD episodesâ. Random things triggered a breakdown: loud noises, gunshots, screams, flashes of light. . . they were unavoidable. Sheâd lose total track of time when it happened. One second the door to Ellieâs walk-in closet was closing behind her, plummeting her in darkness, and the next sheâd be laying on her back in the middle of her room, balling her eyes out. Living like this was hell, but no matter how many mind-numbing pills she was prescribed, she still found it nearly impossible to function.
She didnât want to scare her loved ones. When Joel called she just. . . lied. It made her feel dirty. It was wrong and she knew that, but it was better than the alternative. Being a liar was better than being a broken failure.
âYeah, Iâm doing great. My therapist is on to something, I think.â
âCome on, rambo. Letâs get you to bed.â Jesse placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, knowing better than to pat her on the back like he used to.
Ellie knew it hurt him to see her flinch under his touch. She swallowed back bile and stood up, practically having to drag herself out of the officers office. She couldnât look at him. She couldnât thank him or- or anything.
But then he did that thing. . . he thanked Ellie.
Ellie didnât give a shit about the military discounts or the cheaper car insurance- she got a nice cushy check from the military every month just for breathing. She didnât want pity or thanks simply because she didnât deserve it.
âThank you for your service, Williams.â The sheriffâs voice reminded her of Joelâs. For some reason that made it hurt even worse.
Still, her muscles tightened, and she worked hard to straighten her posture.
âIt was my privilege.â It was a well rehearsed response. It didnât even sound like her voice when she had said it though, and it scared her.
As she followed Jesse out to his truck, she tried to ascertain whether she was just beginning to disassociate or whether or not this was all just another strange side effect from her meds.
She blinked and suddenly she was already situated in the car, Jesse on the main road to get the both of them back home. He had the radio turned down to just a hum, his sleepy eyes glued to the road in front of him. The clock on his dashboard told her that it wasnât just âlateâ anymore, but âmorningâ now. Ellie sat up suddenly, her heart pounding as she tried to map out exactly how many minutes she had just lost.
âFuck.â She breathed, pressing her palms against her eyes.
She needed to call her therapist sometime today. She needed. . . She needed a lower dose of medication. Thereâs no way any of this was normal.
âHave you eaten?â Jesse asked, turning his head to finally look at her.
Ellie wished that he felt inconvenienced by her. Anger would be better than pity, but the look in his eyes was anything but annoyance. Jesse looked like he was close to tears. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, and Ellie felt called to reach her hand out and place it on his shoulder. She wasnât a very touchy person these days (and itâs not like she was to begin with), but he needed it.
âNot in a couple of hours.â Ellie answered him, letting her fingers dig into the soft fabric of his shirt.
He nodded and cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter. When Ellie dropped her hand and turned to look out the passenger side window, she could have sworn he lifted his arm to hurriedly wipe at his eyes. She couldnât be sure though. . . seeing as she was now legally blind in her left eye. The wonky eye and the thin scar that started in the middle of her forehead and ended on her brow bone were the only physical reminders that she had of the explosion.
It seemed so miniscule compared to all of the shit that was going on in her head. Sheâd much rather have a destroyed body than a brain that didnât work right anymore.
âHow about you sleep in the guest bedroom? Dinaâs probably worried sick about the both of us. Letâs. . . letâs spend the day together. Yeah?â It sounded like he was pleading with her.
There was a brief moment of heavy silence. No matter how much of a burden she saw herself as, the thought of going home right now frightened her. Ellie was terrified that she was going to end up all alone in this world, but she couldnât stop pushing everyone away. Itâs almost as if. . . she knew that she was bound to self-destruct at some point. She didnât want anyone to see her like that.
âSheâs going to kill me.â Ellie groaned out, dramatically banging her head against the headrest.
Jesseâs lips twitched up into a smile, but he was quick to try and mask it. âNah. Dina? Mad at you for getting arrested at one thirty in the morning? No way.â His tone was sarcastic, and Ellie appreciated the fact that Jesse could still joke under circumstances like this. It made things feel almost normal. Almost.
Ellie winced, dragging a battered and bruised hand over her face. She had no idea why sheâd been at the gas station picking up a bag of pretzels and a pack of ding-dongs that late at night. A documentary about the recently discovered Exo-planet was on the Discovery channel, and sheâd actually worked up an appetite after it was over. She missed acting her age. Maybe thatâs why she ended up getting into her Jeep. She was tired of feeling nostalgic and actually wanted to do something for herself. As minuscule as grabbing snacks from the gas station down the street was, it still felt out of the ordinary for her. Special.
Dina was sitting on the couch when the pair slunk into the house, walking on their tip toes in the hopes that the creaking wooden floors wouldnât wake up JJ. Ellie froze in the entryway, green eyes wide as she took in the femaleâs crossed arms and death-glare. She was in trouble, which meant that Jesse was in trouble as well by association.
âDo you know what time it is?â Dina whisper-yelled, throwing her arm in the direction of the clock on the wall.
Ellie squinted her one good eye, noting that it was now four in the morning. Sheâd lost three hours. She should have been passed out on her prescribed sleeping pills by now, plagued by vivid nightmares. Instead she was intruding on her two best friends, and for what? âA pack of beerâ, she reminded herself. A god damn pack of fuckinâ beer.
Ellieâs mouth went dry, her lips moving but no words escaping her. How many times had she apologized to Dina since sheâd gotten home after the accident? Still, her best friendâs anger was better than Jesseâs pity. The sleeves of Ellieâs flannel tightened around her biceps as she crossed her arms over her chest, mirroring Dinaâs posture as if to protect herself. She slipped a hand up, covering her neck anxiously.
âIâm getting better, D. Iâll schedule an emergency meeting with my therapist and-â Ellie sounded pathetic, even to her own ears.
What she was doing couldnât be called living. Ellie was simply existing and not doing a very good job at it either. She was tired of being tired. She blinked her misty eyes, turning to face the kitchen. She refused to cry. Once she started she couldnât be sure that sheâd be able to stop.
Jesse and Dinaâs shoes were all neatly laid out by the front door and JJâs baby bag was sitting on the dining room table. This was a family that she had just burdened. Her eyes snagged on JJâs highchair, and then the guilt was building right back up in her chest.
Guilt and jealousy.
Ellie had once had hopes of starting her own family eventually. When did she lose her grasp on that? On her lifelong dreams and aspirations? She wanted to help people- save people- so when had she become the one that needed saving? The marines hadnât ruined Ellie. Ellie had ruined Ellie.
âNo, youâre not.â Dina said simply, her voice sounding thick with emotion. âEllie, look at me.â Her voice was commanding despite her sadness.
Ellieâs eyes fell to the floor, but she turned her head to face Dina, green eyes flickering up to her face. Bottom lip quivering, brown eyes misty- Dina looked miserable.
âYouâre not getting better.â She whispered to Ellie, shaking her head to drive the point home. It looked like the words physically hurt for her to say.
Every excuse that she could have given dissipated. Suddenly she felt naked, utterly exposed. Every nasty, jagged scar was on full display. How many times had she said that to the people that cared about her?
âIâm getting better.â âI actually feel a bit better today.â âYou donât have to worry about me. The meds are really working this time.â Ellie wasnât sure when it happened but she had become a liar. A damn good one too. Dina was looking at her now though, really looking at her, and Ellieâs face crumpled.
âFuck.â Ellie whispered to herself, moving her hands to cover her face.
Jesse stepped behind Ellie, wrapping his arms around her tightly, resting his cheek on the top of her head. A sob caught in Ellieâs chest and she strangled it before it could escape her. She couldnât lose it. She couldnât let her shoulders sag, couldnât allow herself to feel everything in front of her best friends.
âI called Joel,â Dina finally said, leaning against the back of the couch, her knuckles going white with how hard she gripped the leather. âAnd he bought you a plane ticket. Youâre flying out tomorrow.â
âNo,â Ellie was already shaking her head before Dina had even finished her sentence. âHow could you do this?â She felt the betrayal like a slap in the face. Her lips parted, eyes wide in silent desperation.
Please let this be a nightmare.
Her hand desperately flew to her arm, giving it a sharp pinch. The floor didnât fall out from under her. She didnât sit up sweating in her tangled sheets. This was actually happening. Actually real.
âYouâre flailing, Ellie. We thought that eventually youâd level out,â Dina tried, taking a few steps towards Ellie and her husband. âBut youâre only getting worse.â
âIâm getting better.â The well rehearsed line was the only thing she could think to utter. She prayed that eventually she could convince herself of that too. If she said the words enough times then maybe, eventually, they would become her reality. Perhaps she could somehow manifest her recovery.
âWhen was the last time you ate a solid meal? You barely touched your plate the other night. And I know you arenât eating the food that Jesse drops off for you.â Dina was pointing out her flaws as if she didnât see them all herself.
A full stomach meant nausea.
âWhen was the last time you showered?â The dark haired girl questioned.
Showering meant closing herself up into a tight space. It meant getting naked- seeing her scars. Remembering what happened to her and the rest of her unit.
âWe know how this will end, Ellie. I donât care if you hate me for the rest of my life for calling Joel. I refuse to lose you like this.â Dinaâs voice quivered as she spoke, but her eyes hardened. She was resolute about her decision.
Jesseâs arms tightened around Ellie and suddenly they no longer felt like a comfort but a prison. She needed air. Needed to call Joel and apologize. Needed to tell him that she was fine. She was fine. She would be just fine.
âI canât breathe.â Ellie managed to whisper out, knees buckling from underneath her. It felt like the world was finally swallowing her up whole.
She was a failure. Sheâd failed Jesse, Dina, JJ and Joel. Why couldnât she just be normal again? Why couldnât she just fucking breathe.
Jesse let go of Ellie as she began gasping for air, helping to sit her down on the cold hardwood floor. It felt like everything around her had slowed down to a crawl, but her mind- it had sped up to a breakneck pace. She couldnât turn it off. Couldnât turn off the thoughts and the images and the feelings.
Sheâd killed her unit. It was her fault that they all died. They had all been taken home in body bags, and what had Ellie gotten? A fucking government issued check every month that she blew on booze and a Purple Heart that collected dust.
âD, get the medication thatâs in the cabinet and a glass of water.â Jesse called out to his wife. It sounded like they were underwater. She was drowning.
âSheâs ripping her fucking hair out, Jesse.â Dina called out in panic, rifling through the medicine cabinet with shaky hands. Her best friend gripped her wrists, forcing them back down to her sides. Strands of Auburn hair were tangled up between her clammy fingers.
JJ must have woken up because of the comotion. She could hear him crying from the other room. Screaming for his mother.
Blood. So much blood. Itâs coming out of her mouth, what do I do? What do I do about internal bleeding again? Wasnât I trained for this? Breathe. Sheâs not breathing. Are there other landmines? Can I drag her to safety? Where is everyone else? H-How. . . How can I help?
âSwallow, Ellie.â Dina was crouched in front of her, forcing her lips open to slide a pill onto her tongue.
âIt was my fault. I-I fucking,â She choked out, gagging at the taste of the pill that was beginning to dissolve on her tongue. âI led them out there. Oh, fuck.â
Dina was beginning to panic, pushing the plastic cup up to Ellieâs mouth in the hopes that she would drink. She did, choking back the water in deep gulps. The water helped to fill the aching pit that was beginning to grow in her stomach. Water poured down the sides of Ellieâs lips, but she kept drinking. Deep, thoughtful gulps of ice cold water.
âShould I call an ambulance?â Dina finally asked, her eyes flickering between Ellie and her husband.
âNo. No hospital. Just go sit with JJ, alright? Iâve got her.â Jesse told her, letting go of Ellieâs hands so that he could wrap an arm around her waist, hugging her against his chest so that she couldnât stand up.
Ellie blinked and Dina was gone, the sound of her bare feet jogging down the hall was the only reminder of her presence.
âJoel isnât going to judge you, Ellie. We all just want to help. So let us, alright?â She knew he was telling the truth, but the thought of Joel seeing her as lesser-than killed her. She would crumble completely if Joel looked at her with the same sorrowful eyes that Jesse did.
Joel was newly retired though, and the last thing he needed was to put up with his PTSD-ridden adopted daughter. She was tired of feeling like a burden, but where had standing on her own two feet gotten her? Arrested on multiple occasions? So she relented. She surrendered to the idea of sleeping in her old bedroom and taking up space in Joelâs too-big ranch home.
âOkay.â Ellie croaked, feeling the medication kicking in. Sleep. All Ellie wanted to do was sleep.
âOkay?â Jesse repeated back to her, needing to know that she was serious. The last thing he probably wanted to do was wrestle Ellie onto the plane. He wasnât entirely sure he could overpower her when it came down to it.
âOkay.â
Grief was an uphill battle. One minute youâre laughing with your friends and then the next youâre laid up in bed, tossing and turning with the realization that what could have been was now an impossibility. You missed Abby. You missed the life that you could have had with her. All of the memories and milestones you missed out on were soul crushing the second that the sun went down.
You were left in your empty house, laid up in the bed that the two of you once shared. Her scent had long since washed out of her pillow. All that was left were pictures and a gravesite that you still couldnât bring yourself to visit. Life doesnât stop when you lose somebody though. People eventually become less forgiving as the months pass by.
So you squeezed your eyes closed and hoped that sleep would come sooner rather than later. You had an early start tomorrow for work, and the last thing you wanted was to show up with puffy eyes.
Life was getting better though. The pain wasn't as debilitating as it had been months ago, and for that you were thankful.
One step at a time, one day at a time.
You were still breathing, which was exactly what Abby would have wanted for you. The overwhelming grief hadn't killed you, no matter how many times you'd secretly prayed that it would. You were still here and that was good enough.
For now, at least.
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