b0mblover

[b0mblover]

Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.

By: J

major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention

uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.

uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.

talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!

i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.

hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig 😭

(oh yea, if it wasn’t obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)

——————————

yknow,

you havent been a great person

or a good one even.

yet you still question as to why i dont love you

or like you,

maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.

maybe not

i dont really care about your feelings.

at all.

not now.

i put up with this for fucking 14 years.

my entire fucking life.

ive put up with your shit.

but now?

now im done.

you have no idea how badly you fucked up.

when he said that “im sorry im a fuck up” 

yknow.

he mightve not been right for what he did.

but,

it was just a mistake.

it was a goddamn mistake.

you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?

how many times ive repeated them?

how many times i fucking meant it?

just because you “had it bad” doesnt mean shit to me.

you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.

dont give me that “i dont know how else to act!”

bullshit.

bullshit you dont.

you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!

you had a goddamn kid

you had two goddamn children.

with this man that you fucking DESPISE.

you knew it back then too.

you told me you did.

you fucking told me.

almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.

nothing.

you have no right to act like that.

no.

you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.

for such a simple mistake.

i dont care if he talked about it since friday.

i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.

you.

you as a goddamn human.

have no right.

none.

in the slighest.

to hit another living being.

for talking about something in your eyes “too much”

or making a mistake.

youre a hypocrite.

need i remind you?

you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.

that youd be a better person.

stop the fights.

stop the beatings.

stop all of it.

and everything would be okay!

.

i didn’t believe you for a goddamn millisecond.

youre a liar.

just how you said i was.

you didnt quit.

you didnt stop.

hell two months after you hit him again!

you threatened to kill him and yourself!

cmon.

dont you get it yet?

i fucking despise you.

maybe to a degree i feel shocked.

but.

i really dont think thats it.

youre the root of my problems.

every single last fucking one.

——————

need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?

.

need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?

.

need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?

.

need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?

.

need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because “it couldntve been like that”?

.

need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?

.

need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?

.

need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?

.

need i remind you of what i seen?

.

need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?

.

need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?

.

i dont care about your feelings anymore.

i gave up years ago.

but now.

i dont feel just numb for you.

i hate you.

in every sense of the word.

.

i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.

.

i dont care about what you think of my appearance.

.

i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.

.

i dont care about what you think because you’ll hate me no matter what.

.

you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.

you yelled at me.

no.

you fucking screamed at me for weeks.

im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.

i dont give a fuck about you.

and yknow?

if.

no.

if it would work.

if it was possible.

id fucking kill you.

id stab you.

right here.

right now.

to end my suffering.

to end his suffering.

all of it.

id end it all.

i dont care if its wrong.

because i know no one else knows about whats going on.

yknow.

only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.

and i havent even met her in person.

yknow.

the people i used to be close with from school.

only just learned you had an affair.

i know that.

the police are do-less.

since you know them.

and hes a man.

not a woman.

it wouldnt be taken seriously.

that he should just fight back.

yknow.

youve ruined what life he has left.

his parents beat him.

his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.

and here.

youve done the exact same thing.

yknow.

he’ll never get to see how love truely is.

because of you.

because of what youve done.

i cant say i really like him either.

but.

that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.

.

yknow whats worse?

how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.

is because ive proved that i won’t hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.

i know i joke about that night.

but.

really.

hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.

its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years. 

and even now.

if you were to as so much to touch me.

while in a fight.

id do it all over again.

you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.

but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.

i wont forgive you for what youve done.

even if he will.

.

i want nothing to do with you.

get out of my life for good.

#j writes badly #woohoo i just love living in a very fucked up house its soo great /sarcasm #ughnf whats worse is that if it werent for my parents rn my life would be quiet literally perfect. #holy shit the being pissed at my mother instead of destroying my arm thing is actually working irl holy shit #(actually shoked abt that tbh) #unironically i wanna make a less oily fuck rn. like so badly. bc my parents went to the store and got eggs so i can #oh yea for the new gen folk that dont know all of the j lore (this has been bothering me bc its coming up on the anniversary) #i know how to break someones fingers and make it look like an accident! #turns out theres a specific way thats more common in abuse versus accidents! #dont ask why i know this 🙂 (or do- it reallt doesnt bother me) (also not that i would- /gen) #this is basically me catching everyone up through j lore im not even kidding tbh #and yes. i have hit my mother before bc she wouldnt stop “playing” as i had hot ramen in my hands! #(look. it wasnt the best move at the time but uh. really saved me in the long run unironically!) #THERES FUCKING GEESE FLYING OVER MY HOUSE RN HOLY SHIT #sorry. uh. i cant help it tho. i heard them and it was cute #oh yea even MORE j lore; i have a mildly unhealthy obsession with “being stronger” because im consitently (and rightfully) #paranoid that my mother is gonna try and hit me! #when the whole 2020 chrismas thing (when i hit her) happened i had just got done wih archery so i was still pretty strong #but then eating disorder happened and i quit archery. muscle atrophy etc etc #so like. its a big ass thing i think abt every day now! #yea theres a real reason why i consider my friends as “safe” 💀 #heheheheeeeee when no where else is safe thats just life ig! #oh god i need to brush my teeth fuck. #hhvtbd but my mother is awake :( #HHGBHGBSNS i need to start doing that at an ealier time bc it keeps getting in the way of things #again. how the fuck does smth so simple as brushing my teeth make so much feel better 😭😭 its weird #sighh well! time to go back to trying to find drawing inspo! #(i unironically cannot use my own trauma as a drawing point bc it makes me actually suicidal. thats why i write it! /srs) #CHOKEKSSSJ ok ill hush now!

[b0mblover]

did you guys know that i actually prefer writing in first pov opposed to third because its easier for me?

the things i do for you all…sometimes

i also usually dont make drafts for writing in the slighest!

at all.

unless its something im genuinely struggling on (like weeks without being able to fake it) i never do

i think im gonna write more in first pov just because its easier tbh.

plus.

i uh, im pretty sure no one reads my stuff unless i cross post it.

which is a good thing! dont look at my breakdowns please. /j

#j’s misc shit #i uh. noticed i pause alot more on this acc tbh. #(ie; uh. i uh. etc etc) #idk why tbh. thought prosecsses arw weird

[b0mblover]

j rants abt dead loptson as usual because he cannot be bothered to keep the thoughts to himself

ok so FIRST OF ALL

i think im gonna start just calling this ‘loptson hawaii: part ii’ BECAUSE ITS ESSENTIALLY WHAT IM MAKINGGG 😭😭

second of all, funny thing, im /planning/ on drawing lopt playing piano and mason playing violin because in hawaii part ii its the instruments i noticed specifically (i swear it makes sense) but uh.

brain rot j made a fucking omori joke and now i cannot get it out of my head 😭

the only difference is that mason is getting killed but doesnt play piano (oh ig omori spoilers but its 2024. even if you havent played it you probably already know)

uggrbfnd fuck im not even kidding i swear. those maps i made im using for this project J PLEASE QUIT DOING THIS TO ME WHY DO YOU HATE ME. THIS IS SUCH A BG ASS PROJECT. YOU CANT EVEN PROPERLY FINISH A SMALL WRITING THING. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT (talking ti myself somewheee thats not main sorry)

im sorry but uh. look. unironically, guchiry characters playing instruments have been actually rotting my mind for literally years 😭 trust me i dont even know how i dont have a list. i just associate them in my mind and remember it.

CHOKES sorry yeesh!

i actually made three maps but uh, i think only one will get used in this project (if i ever finish it that is) bc i havent even named the other two! i might just use them for idk. aesthetics in my room or smth idk.

jesus i have so many ideas i need to quit this is excalty how burn out happens but i cant help itttt

hggvfddnsn i the brainrot so much

currently (like as im writing this) im working on i uh- drawing smth rather reveling(?) like uh. it isnt -sexual- in like the slighest but is???? idk look. i really need to practice/actual/ anatomy 😭😭 it sucks bc like. man its akward as hell bc im essentially drawing lopt with no clothes on but i feel like i kinda gotta??

(i really wanna have smth to laugh at when i get older alr)

ANYWAYS the point was that i cant figure out if i should render it or just leave it at line art.

christ im rambling again fuck.

back to the topic (yes im leaving that in)

i should absolutely end masons life in the most guresome and blood curdling way possible! 😍🥰 /j

but srsly. maritime forest. you are having BLOOD on your trees 🥰 (look it up. that isnt the /name/ of it its just a descriptor)

man. these names are kinda. weird ish tho.

aphelion, periciel, vacant beach 3- (last is a joke)

ahhbrbdns but srsly naming this shit is hardddd bc following real world naming (at least acordding to google) is such a pain, like uh, (from what i remember) it usually is either a feature of the place, named after someone, and a third thing that i cannot remember rn.

(funfact, im 99% sure periciel isnt a real word! peri acordding to google means about and ciel means sky in french apparently, yea. about sky. aphelion((heres the google def bc im not explaing this))

“the point in the orbit of a planet, asteroid, or comet at which it is furthest from the sun."

(SO! uh yea. if you were wondering how i came up with the names ig. oh yea funny thing. the thing about periciel. i actually looked up peri bc in puyo puyo tetris 2 (im being dead srs rn i wish i was kidding) in a call out line schezo says “parry” but i thought it was “peri” so yada yada boom. this shit is unnecessary complicated but uh. thats my entire existence! so)

man i have SO much to do. i think im gonna attempt to draw bread sheeran. well actually scratch that. i have a week to do that, i was working on uh. nonsexual lopt before i went outside and got brainrotted to death, so ill probably work on that, or start the other drawing (i really REALLY wanna draw mason playing violin. i actually dont even know that in white ball violin is the main instrument. i just think it is 😭😭) hggggbbhh well! im gonna go suffer now. thanks to like the 2 ppl that read this in full. im sorry for your eyes!

#j’s misc shit #JESUS CHRIST KN A STICK DEAR LOPT 😭😭 #ywaaaaaaaaajansbdnsjeb mmmmmason playing violin is HAUNTING me rn. its actually awful #thanks to sho for giving me loptson marraige au brainrot that i totally am not at all twisting into something horrifying! totally! #(/gen thank you tho. ur too swaggy to be kept alive 🔫🔫🔫) #hhggh ok i gotta shut up and start Fuckin WORKING RUAHHHHH

[b0mblover]

“MASON MPREG CALL THAT MASPREG” - Beatroot 27/04/2024

besutiful

#j’s misc shit #i love poetry so much

[b0mblover]

(cross posting from my main because uh. not everyone needs to know my main)

possible tw for fake blood (drawn) and slight glitchyness(?)

fourth slide is mason yes.

i uh. actually dont know if im properly done but. its not like i show my like. um

proper?????? art on this acc anyways.

uh, feel free to not believe the whole lopt killing mason thing.

i dont really know why i made it in the first place lmao

(i absolutely do. i was being edgy and went “hey! i can traumatize charaters!” and did. for better or worse idk 🤷)

uh. sorry for rambling on smth that isnt main.

this feels kinda awkward and idk why

#probably because i usually write shorter desc or whatever its called #idk anymore tbh #j’s misc shit #as im writing this unironically im listening to conspiracy theory #masons dumb ass hair took the longest and i wish i was kidding. #i also spent toooo long making the ring pictured line up. #(it was 4 mins but still. it was PAINFUL) #i actually considered darkening lopts eyes bc yk. canon. but then i remember in canon they uh #arent married. nor killed each other. nor went on a trip where lopt killed him. nor- #my point is that no shit its not gonna be canon. #may or may not write smth for this. i dunno #OHHHH SO THIS IS WHY IVE BEEN SO OBSESSED WITH MIRACLE MUSICAL????? #ohhh ohhh hoo boy its all coming toghther. #sometimes i love being a creator(?). i can inflict SOOOO much pain onto these two #and also make them fuc- #(kidding. ish. i uh. wrote smut like twice and i dont have much of an intrest in Ever doing it again) #(<— im activly attempting to draw smut. ish. anatomy :(. look) #(the only reason i wanna draw it is to prove that i can 😭😭 but uh. that isnt really working out for various reasons!) #(omg sho refrence?1??1?1 varible?????/?1?2?1) #(CHOKWS JESUS j shut up) #im gonna shut up before i hit the tag limit LMAO-

[b0mblover]

posting this here bc were moots everywhere else

i uh.

was requested to draw ed sheeran :D

THIS IS SUCH A WIN FOR ME HOLY SHIT.

someone actually thinks i can draw well enough to draw our lord and savior 😭 im gonna cry holy shit

IM HAVING ISSUES PROCESSING THIS

SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINKS IM THAT GOOD ENOUGH TO DRAW GOD

holy fuck this has given me such motivation

oh god this means i actually have to learn how to draw ppl relaistically or draw bread realistically 😭

OH WELL THIS HAS 100% GAVE ME A CONFIDENCE BOOST HOLY FUCK

#j’s misc shit #ik the whole ed sheeran joke doesnt make too much sense here but uh #(ed sheeran is very popular in the um. ‘ed’ circle im in. unironically. i cannot explain this much further) #how do i explain this to my parents #“oh yea at 4 am yesterday someone i know on tumblr requested me to draw ed sheeran even though im a 14 yr old who cant draw worth shit” #actually ill probably explain it exactly like that lmao 😭 #oh my dear lopt is it the good complex or do i just feel good right now? who knows! #im arting so hard rn that i actually had to go get a water bottle irl #hoo boy i feel a little too good rn

[b0mblover]

j cant quit making wips that are rather shitty

im not kidding. i got depressed and bored so i decided to make this *thing* originally this was an animation but the text fucked me up so i. yea only like 3 ppl will see this i give up explaining

maybe ill do smth with this.

idk 🤷

(odd pacing bc again. it was supposed to be an animation)

hggbhbbfnfndnd i uh. spent an hour on this. i need to be alseep but. cant.

jesus. milk and redbull really DID fuck me over huh?

#j’s misc shit #hhhbgnfkill meeeeeee #ik this is shitty YOU DONT NEED TO COMMENT ON IT THANKS #its 1 am i think ill go outside to TRY and get an idea bc art block is actually killing me 💀 #i love angsty lopt sm. my poor little meowmeow #(im so sorry for that LMAO)

[b0mblover]

hi sho i swear id never stalk you in my life i swear

(i am LYING)

oh god oh jeeze.

you shouldnt have let me know ur @ 😈😈 you shall have the same downfall as spinch /lh

#j’s misc shit #i want to jumpscare u as much as u do me tbh. #COUGH CHOKES never find my main acc. or else. 💥💥💥💥

[b0mblover]

Will you too Betray me?

By: J

j try to not project onto lopt for the millionth time challenge actually irl impossible:

i uh, very muchly am projecting alot onto this, HOWEVER. it can be read as its stand alone thing, i think. (LOPTSONLOPTSONLOPTSONLO-)

there shouldnt be any tws

ive never really, liked, people.

well, humans. to say the least.

or gods.

etc.

my own status as a “god” that defines me among others,

it feels undeserving.

maybe its the fact i can literally see the hate in others,

the flaws,

the weaknesses,

the disgusting parts they all try to hide so poorly.

it makes me hate them.

all of them.

for centuries.

and centuries, seemingly without an end.

ive hated them.

sure, i mingled with them.

several times.

but,

even then.

i never felt as if i liked any of them truly.

i always left.

because in the end.

‘in the end, you too will betray me’.

and time after time,

i was correct.

maybe thats why,

when i seen them.

no,

seen you.

maybe thats why i was so shocked.

sure, you had hate in your heart.

but.

you never acted on it unprovoked.

and you gave kindness unto others that were often deemed “undeserving”.

and werent a hypocrite as others were.

and-

.

a user here,

an abuser there,

people that wanted nothing more than to see chaos, never stopping to take in anything,

maybe,

maybe im a hypocrite for the last one.

though.

when youve been around this long.

theres only so many times you can smell the lilies until the sweet scent burns.

yet.

with you.

that scent,

isnt as painful.

its, calming, almost.

.

maybe its because i know in the end.

we cant be together forever.

in my forever at least.

but, right now.

right now,

right now this can be our forever.

because i know in the end.

you will not betray me.

#j writes badly #no beta we die like jirou #i think sometimes if hes feeling sappy hell writing shitty poems abt his lover (COUGH MASON-) #j funfact! this whole thing stemed from the line “a pedophile here. an abuser there” but i changed the pedophile line bc i didnt want it to #be too dark #i think this is genuinely the most i can project onto lopt in one go and not have to be too extremly ooc #there again. could be wrong idk 🤷 #what do i know. im just a silly artist that irl hates writing but keeps doing it because he cant express emotions correctly like a normal #functioning human. #also. i was gonna originally put roses instead of lilies but i uh. have never actually smelled roses. #idk if they have much of a scent. #hoo boy but i can tell you lilies sure do! #its extremely strong! #like whenever i was walking past at night with no light i knew where i was based off of scent /srs #yk. if lopt can shapeshift and all that. #what would happen if he ate lilies?? like as a cat i mean? would he just get extremely sick??? #what would happen if he ate smth poisonous to humans in a non human form then turned back?? #oh god i need to quit asking questions abt a god that has 2-3 frames and 1 ref photo 💀 #srsly this is becoming a fucking ISSUE. #irl the line “you too will betray me” has actually been haunting me for WEEKS. i had to do smth with it #okok ill hush now sorry not sorry #im in a very good mood rn :D /srs

[b0mblover]

is sorbet icecream?

By: J

i uh, kinda lost motivation at the end, so this is short as fuck.

buuut whatever, only like. 2 ppl will see this anyways

(im so sorry)

Lopt and mason were sneaking out of the building. it wouldn’t excatly matter too much if they were to grt caught, but, well- homophobia was rampent in the government, even if they werent “dating” two men going and getting something to eat together was seen as taboo.

Lopt said that this was masons “payment” for the files he was shown, though mason had a good feeling that was just an excuse.

walking down the street, lopts arm draped over masons shoulders, the warmth of another human(oids) body felt quit nice compared to the crisp autumn winds. 

lopt inhaled, 

“hey~ you uh, brought youre wallet. right dear~?”

he dragged out the ‘r’ on dear, attempting to be semi quite.

“i- what!? you just said i had to go! not pay!” 

mason annunciated some of his words, though never shouting as to not draw attention, they were getting looks already. 

it was around 5 pm so there was a fair number of people going home, from work, school, it didnt matter to either of them, all they cared about was their so called “Rendezvous” (although mason didnt see a reason in calling it that considering they were /already/ with each other opposed to meeting up somewhere-) 

after around 25 minutes of walking there seemed to be less people on the streets.

a pink haired teen here, a turquoise haired drug addict there, a red haired ghost- they felt alone enough to speak to one another.

“so” mason started in

“why did you let me see those files, for the price of buying you icecream?”

“i- oh no dear, i was just kidding about your wallet, i know freelance doesnt pay that much~”

“i-“ mason stammered

“first of all, im payed fine thank you very much. second of all, answer my question”

“ah-ah- whatever you say dear~ and to answer you, -does it matter? i mean truthfully- why does anyone do anything? you couldve easily manipulated me, hell you couldve gotten into my office without me ever knowing. but you never tried”

lopt shrugged at the end of his statment.

mason paused his walking a minute.

thinking of what his partner had just said.

“ahh- now dont be like that, just- focus on what icecream youre gonna get okay?”

lopt knew he wasnt really “good” at cheering anyone up.

-he felt slightly insecure about it-

mason sighed, mentally saving the idea for later, he knew lopt was correct, he wasnt gonna get anywhere overthinking it right now, 

—————

sitting on a random bench in a desolate playground,

they ate their icecream in silence, though, at least to mason it wasn’t uncomfortable. 

(i do not understand if sorbet is like. icecream or its own thing so 🤷)

mason had decided on lemom sorbet while lopt settled for chocolate icecream. even though it was cool out, it still was nice.

they threw away the cups they had ate out of before turning around to go home.

“hey would you care if i came home with you?”

mason, shockingly in a good mood, agreed, though knowing that this was a horrible idea.

#j writes badly #i really dislike writing and i need to remember that lmao #no beta we die like jirou #srsly i barwly wven went over the typos lmao #hfghhggh sorry im not good at fluff. only gore /hj #i have sp many projects rn and i dont wanna do any of them bc theyre boring for mw #im actually so sorry bc this is awful but i cant force myself to care and i needed to get this done either way

[b0mblover]

Ichor, how Sweet

By: J

should be no tws but,

tw blood(ish) mention

(wrote in lopts pov, probably ooc but uh, can it /really/ be ooc if theres not alot of info? 💀)

[ichor |'ΛΙΚΟ:| noun - “the fluid that flows like blood in the veins of the gods”]

how disgusting.

humans have always been this way,

havent they?

its,

repulsive.

to say the least.

ive known that.. for a long time.

and yet.

here i am.

on the ground.

bleeding.

bleeding until im dry.

because,

in the end.

even if it was ‘fun’.

humans are selfish.

human or not.

god or not.

ive thought for so long.

that animals were dumb,

running away from a harmless branch cracking.

yet standing directly in harms way.

and now.

now those thoughts, 

i knew better.

ive known for so long.

‘dont fuck with humans’

‘at least make sure to always have power over them’

i did.

i had power over them.

i had control.

and yet.

in my slighest moment of weakness.

when i was completely alone.

even then i didnt show it.

but.

they knew.

and now.

im still here.

lying on the ground.

ichor dripping out of my sides.

my arms.

my legs.

my veins.

humans truely are evil.

#j writes badly #i put the ichor def in not bc it looks cool #but bc theres two defs of it 😭 #sorry not sorry this has been PLAGUING MY MIND #i uh actually just wanted to revisit the mentality i used to have #just bc i felt like it. no other reason /srs #no beta we die like jirou #guess whos gonna get to write a whole theory on hawaii part ii for school 😎 #ME BITCH. #im so excited #i still have SO much to do omg oh dear lopt save me #not even kidding water tank thingy broke in the middle of writing this and my parents were fighting over it 💀 #OKOK ILL SHUT UP NOW SORRY LMAO

[b0mblover]

i feel like im drowning

#but i wont take anyones hand this time #j’s misc shit

[b0mblover]

I'm curious let's go

#theyre the same person just one hasnt went insane yet. #so uh?? tie?? probably????

[b0mblover]

love, Hate, liberation, Captivity, and You

By: J

(this is saved in my notes as “Welp! partys over”. i do not know what this means but!!)

(this isnt abt anyone whos reading it. the person its about has almost 0 chance of ever finding this)

um possible tw for themes/mentiones of suicide, dont be shocked, its wrote by me 💀

all based on real events and what was said!

alr ill shut up now have fun ig

.

i didnt wanna fall in love

but a constant 

“i need you” that spilled from my lips

acting like i didnt want that then

a constant 

“i hate you”

i banged my head for hours

‘never wanting to fall in love but wanting to be loved’ 

all their words mean nothing to me now

just another charred up paper in the stack

thinking id never love someone in my life

“this and that is stupid”

knowing that i wanted it

a dead boy acting as he was alive

as if he wanted to survive

a constant feeling that reality was gonna slip away

pulled back in just to be thrown out again.

they never really cared.

‘i get it i get it it’s pointless to care!’ 

a mantra screamed out night after night

��theres no point in living in the first place’

words i wanted to forget

constantly being told it was worthless to try and live

‘if you love me, then kill yourself with me’

the shock i felt from those words.

the reality it became.

the constant feeling of a rope

the consistent words that were said

‘caring is pointless’

only ever improving when youre gone

“you remember that night?”

“i felt like you were XXXXXX”

i was shocked when you said that,

essentially being called a whore for having friends. 

i know you couldnt control it but,

i never told you did i?

i tried to end it for you that night.

april 1X 20XX.

“hey hey if you love me do X for me”

i know im not completely in the right

but i didnt think it was wrong to be-

-

uncomfortable 

with plXXXXX XXXXX

maybe. 

maybe in another world we couldve been friends.

just friends.

or at least ended on a high note.

but.

neither of us believe in that do we? 

ha, ahh its pointless to think about right?

haa- anything i think of doing, it feels pointless.

i always know the answer

“its stupid”

“its pointless”

“itd be better to give up”

even writing this, if you were to somehow read this.

would you say i should give up again?

tell me its pointless?

tell me ill never get anywhere with it?

pointless to write pointless to draw

whatever

just another charred paper in the stack.

yknow wouldnt that mean wanting to go back is-

ah whatever, 

no matter what i say itll be pointless.

#j’s misc shit #this has been on my mind since i listened to all of hawaii part ii #im 100% okay rn its just been nagging at me /srs #yes the ‘essentially being called a whore for having friends’ part is real too. #sure wish it wasnt! auhabedn #yes ik im not innocent in this either you dont have to remind me 💀 #but still it bothers me alot #aushhernejwj its nice to enjoy living tbh. without being told that its pointless #tbh idc if life is pointless i want to live #really is ironic how i improved drawing/writing when they left isnt it? #diahebrnemnw feels great tbh #i have alot more to say but uh. im not gonna out of paranoia #did you guys know that i usually put little things in the url/link? #:D might be some secrets i there who knows #(ive forgotten any and all secrets that may be hidden) #also. for a ref. im not writinf this bc i ‘still love them’ #i fell out of love from like june 2023-late sept 2023 #i genuinely have no romantic feelings for them anymore lmao #just uh. bothered somewhat. #as you all know. im HORRENDOUSLY romantically down bad for someone completely different now #😀COWBENRKDOSJENENDKSJSBEBRNS PLWASE DONT MENTUON THAT PART ILL DIE #yea uh that prob isnt gonna change for a good while tbh 🤷

[b0mblover]

scars dont last forever. (thankfully) nor do people.

By: J

vauge tw; i wrote this bc i over think fucking everything. ikitai by shimon has saved me once again /srs

again. keep in mind i dont reread most of this stuff.

this would be better suited on my main but since its writing.

Ah, fuck.

im getting really tired of the game i play with myself

constant abuse

its nothing new

smoking and drinking myself to near-death

its nothing new, almost like second nature.

those hateful words that he spewed,

those mean jabs that she said,

acting as if i dont take them to heart.

XXX is this

XXX is that

its all a bunch of nonsense in the end.

you tell me to stop drinking, stop smoking

i consider it thrice

giving it chances

i feel like i never change.

you calm me down

saying how i deserve to live

its something i could almost believe.

Her piling up lies

his non-existent self respect,

it all comes crumbling down in the end.

XXX is this 

XXX is that

without noticing im.

when they beat me down

you gave me life.

when they cut me up 

you cleaned the wounds.

purposeful or not.

i cant help but wonder.

‘that jealous- self serving- selfish zealot’

‘the one they always wanted.’

wouldnt you know all about it?

after all. 

they miss you.

they hate me. 

XXX is this

XXX is that

I dont need reassurance from the dead

acting like XXX is-

you dont know -

i watched you question over and over again.

“Who are you” 

repeated more everytime.

XXX isnt this

XXX doesnt know you

that name.

isnt yours to hold onto.

I cant help but wonder, do you care?

#j’s misc shit #i have intention for this however i have 0 idea of how to do it so #might use this for something later eh only like 2-3 ppl will see it anyways so idc that much #im leaving this up to interpretation. however. i will say this much #theres 4 people mentioned in text not including narration. 6 if you include so. #srsly this is confusing on purpose #HOWEVER. if youve read absolutely all of my mental breakdowns for a good while #*cough cough* sen *cough* #you might have a better idea as to what im explaing #ikitai by shimon strikes again! #im not kidding i always end up writing after listening to it 💀 #i have a shitty poem from june bc of it #Hhhbdbnd june mention. what the fuck is a normal life #so homophobic that june was my worst month tbh. #oh btw the colour does have a meaning #basically the only person im not ‘insulting’ (??) in all of this #idk if insulting is the right word but its 5 am and i havent slept! i have shit to do #i literally do not care if this is cringe or not

[b0mblover]

im so eepy 👎

#j’s misc shit

[b0mblover]

My Own Underwater Prison

By: J

cw for themes of; selfharm (cutting specifically), eating disorders, and suicide.

i feel like i’m drowning.

i’m an ocean, sea, river, creek, wherever.

water constantly rushing into my lungs.

i don’t feel like i can breath.

somedays they’re will be people. 

who try and pull me up. 

they always let go within 5 minutes though.

theres been others who’ve held me longer. 

made sure i could breathe.

made sure the water was out of my lungs.

dried me off.

took care of me.

i cant shake the feeling that they’ll hurt me.

try to drown me.

so, i always go back into the water by myself.

i always try to breathe the water in again.

i don’t want to drown.

i don’t want to die.

…

maybe i want to drown.

maybe the water in my lungs is calming.

it doesn’t feel like it.

maybe i’m just used to it.

…

every time i’ve gotten slightly better- i feel like my own weight pulls me back under.

so i tried to shed that weight, tried to float.

i did so.

but yet.

i still cant float.

i know truly that it wont be what saves me- far from it, i know i wont be able to live normally on my own.

yet i keep trying, i know i wont stop. 

i don’t know why.

it all feels so heavy.

…

the waves, ripples, the currant, cuts my arms.

as if it was another sheet of paper to be used and disposed of.

i wonder if others see it that way too.

disposable.

the blood mixed with the water entering my lungs.

again and again.

feels so nauseating.

i’ve tried to hold my arms up.

but the wind only seems to cut them more than before.

…

somedays i think about if those people that held me, dried me off.

if they really weren’t going to drown me.

i know its idiotic to think about.

even if i truly don’t know either.

its nice to imagine them.

caring for me.

…

who am i kidding they’d.

i’d never let them do that.

#j writes badly #i added themes of eating disorder(s?) because that whats was intended though im not sure if it really came off like that #whatever better to be too safe #this was made out of the fact i sh’ed alot more than usual tonight and still couldnt even hit styro #god i forgot how mentally ill i am 💀 #srsly my arm hurts SO MUCH i hate the burning #yea im never gonna go like a week without relapsing am i?? #tbh im worried that sh will turn into an addiction #(yes yes ikik “but it already is” not really tbh. ig?? idk) #im slightly happy i could put some of this into words #jshebrnrkenrjdnd i have shit to do but oh well!