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azsluttyslut · 4 months

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Priority

Azriel x Gwyn

Summary: I don’t want to be a choice, not to you, not to anyone. I want to be a priority and you can’t give me that

TW: Depression, nightmares, unrequited love (barely), mentions of SA.

Word Count: 3331

Gwyn POV

Looking at the ceiling has become an habit of the young priestess in the long hours of the night, her nightmares had become worse with each passing day, or was it just her nightmares? Maybe is the mating bond. How can someone be so attuned with another? That’s a question she ask herself every day. Gwyn has been infatuated with the shadowsinger after he rescued her, she never gave it to much thought, she wasn’t someone he would ever go for. So why the mother had to choose her for someone so powerful? She remembers the day it snapped as if was yesterday

-Flashback-

The day of Nesta and Cassian's mating ceremony was beautiful but laughable at the same time, laughable because knowing her sister she did want extravagant but not this extravagant, that has to be the High Lord's making as a thank you. Nesta told her and Emerie everything that happen when she left the blood rite. And since then the oldest Archeron haven’t had the trouble look she used to have.

She’s been more peaceful more relax, she still has the same fire she used to have, that haven’t changed at all. Gwyn is happy that her friend has found happiness after everything. And she knows that she will have her turn, but she’s not ready yet. She doesn’t trust males, well she does but just two the one who saved her and her friend’s mate. But there’s still so much work to do before she can be herself again for the outside world and not just for her sisters by choice.

Sisters.

She misses her sister all the time, and nobody would take her place ,ever, she sometimes wonder it Catrin would be proud of her? She will never know the answer to that, she wishes that she was stronger back then, that she could have saved her, but she wasn’t and she couldn’t, it still haunts her every now and then. More often than not. Before she can dwell in dark thoughts she looks up when Night Court music starts to play, announcing Nesta's entrance. She looks beautiful with a white dress, it fits her body like a glove, with silver accents that makes her look ethereal with a slit that goes from the side of her waist to the floor, adding at her sides a train skirt.

She’s so happy for Nesta, so proud of who his friend has become, scanning the guest to look for their reactions her eyes settle on the shadowsinger, who isn’t looking at Nesta at all, he’s looking at Elain the middle Archeron. With so much adoration, a look that she mirrors, one of his shadows swirl around his ear, as if whispering a secret, making his eyes snap to hers, all the while his walls shot up, masking himself in a cool calm manner. They look at each other for what feels like forever.

The eye contact made her nervous but the moment Gwyn was going to give him a small smile the bond snapped, making her eyes go wide looking at him, but just as quickly she managed to regain her composure, making Azriel shot her a puzzled look, to which she just waved her hand as nothing happened, giving him a tight smile while looking at the ceremony again, noticing that it only snapped to her.

-End of the Flashback-

When the bond snapped the priestess was terrified, with time it became an entity beside her altogether, she feels everything that he feels, specially the pain and panic at nighttime, making it feel like her own, but sometimes are her nightmares, and sometimes his. The first time she saw the nightmares that haunt him she throwed up what she ate dinner that night. She couldn't believe how someone could be so cruel to a child, children are gifts from the Mother. They should be protected, she was living proof of that, after all she let her sister died to protect them, she was punished for that too.

It’s been 6 months since it snapped, she has been avoiding her mate as much as she can, she hasn’t told anyone, she still goes training with the Valkyries, when the spymaster tries to talk to her she makes excuses about having a lot of work in the library which is not exactly a lie, but the lack of sleep is taking a toll on her, Merrill has been extra hard on her, saying she’s slacking and what kind of priestess she is if she could not do her job properly. Everything is starting to become too much as of late. The light peaking from the curtains of her room announce that its morning, adding to it another day without sleep.

Jumping out of bed with a sigh while going to her dresser to look for her leathers for training, the necklace hanging on one of the hooks on the wall caught her eye, the necklace Clotho gave her. She knows it’s from Azriel, the day he left the necklace to Clotho she was searching for her, and she saw the shadowsinger handing the necklace to the other priestess. When the priestess gave Gwyn the present she was happy, no body aside from other priestesses have gave her a gift, and the thoughtfulness of the spymaster made her smile, she never thanked him, because when it was given to her Clotho just said “it’s from a friend” but just like the hood and the evoking stone, she felt like she didn’t deserve to wear something so beautiful. She almost did wear it on Nesta's mating ceremony, but decided that it was better that she didn’t, later she realised that the gift given to her was a rejected gift from another.

The rose pedant scream Elain, the delicately pedant represents the female, Nesta mentioned that her sister loves flowers and spends most of her time tending her gardens, Gwyn should have realised it sooner, she feels stupid that she didn’t. With shaky hands she takes the necklace, she should give it back, no, she will give it back, even tho Azriel doesn’t know they are mates and is in love with Elain, she will not be a second choice and she will not be the one he has to settle for when he realised about the bond.

She was never one to believe that she would be lucky, to find her mate. But the Mother gave her one, she’s grateful for the generosity of the Mother, but before she bounds herself to a man forever, she wants to live first. Not with males, she’s not ready for that, but she doesn’t want to be the shell she becomes when she’s out of the comfort of either the library or the House of Wind when she’s with Nesta and Emerie. With that thought she goes earlier than the other to confront the Shadowsinger knowing that he’s going to be there early as always. But nothing would’ve prepared her for what she found.

Arziel POV

“You’ve been avoiding me?” The sweet voice of Elain drifts to his ears, his shadows alerted him from that fact before vanishing, they tend to do that in her presence, he didn’t understand why, he turns around to look at her, she’s beautiful, there’s no doubt about it. But he doesn’t feel the infatuation he used to had on her, maybe Rhys was right after all. He knows he has the tendency of pinning after unavailable female, and even tho Elain was a willing participant, he did it anyways knowing it was wrong.

“No, I haven’t” he lies smoothly, voice calm and collected as always “I've just been busy, with missions and training your sister, Emerie, Gwyn and the priestesses” he looks at her waiting for her reaction, it comes in a form of a frown and pursed lips.

“That never stopped you before for seeking me out” Elain huffs, getting annoyed at the indifference of the shadowsinger,or rather being on the receiving end of it, he has never seen her annoyed by anything, with Lucien it isn’t annoyance, is defiance against the Mother for not giving her a choice, and the thing is she chose someone that was just there, him, it’s funny he also defy the Mother after Solstice, when Rhysand had interrupted the almost kiss between them. But he realised that there’s no escaping fate, so he let go of Elain, he thought it was going to be hard, but it wasn’t, it has been one of the easiest things he have ever done actually.

Specially when he started to spend time with certain priestess, sometimes while helping her train, others when he used to go to the library looking for information for his mission, he made sure to always seek Gwyn, he likes her, likes the peacefulness it brings him when he’s with her, it feel like every sound, every insecurity, every thought goes out of the window as if it wasn’t there in the first place. His shadows love being surrounded by her too. At first he thought she bewitched her with her nymph heritage, but when he got to know her, he knew it wasn’t that, and that she wouldn’t do that either, it was just her. Everything about her is beautiful inside and out, their friendship had blossom after that same solstice, in the training room, that night he saw her and didn’t look away to anyone anymore. But she has been avoiding him, since his brother’s mating ceremony, for the last 6 months, but who’s counting, right? Not him for sure.

“As i told you I’ve been busy, I’m not trying be mean here Elain, but i have more important things to do than being with you, I have to go to mission to make sure everyone in this court is safe from harms way. That’s my duty as spymaster of this court” Azriel says oh so softly, trying to pacify her, and not upset her even further than she already is, if the redness of her face is any indication of it.

“You can just used me and then toss me aside like I’m just some joke to you Azriel?” she raises her voice in outrage.

“I never used you Elain, you on the other hand did. I was just a form of rebellion you used against fate, so sorry if I don’t want to be that for you anymore” he knows he’s not being fair, but it’s better this way, he prefers she hates him than go back to whatever they were doing, plus he knows that he would never be someone as pure as the middle Archeron could handle be with. His darkness will consume her until she becomes a shell of herself trying to save him from something he cannot be safe. Yes, she has her traumas but his traumas go from his childhood to his everyday. He’s not proud what he do for living but it takes something off his brother’s back so he’s happy to help Rhys with whatever he needs, even if this soul gets fracture after every mission. Maybe that’s why the Mother hasn’t bless him with a Mate because she know he destroys everything he touches.

Giving him an accusatory glare the female says “It’s because of her right?” As if she saw this outcome before anyone, and maybe she probably did. She’s a seer after all.

“Who are you referring to?” He’s confused beyond belief.

“CAMILA”

“Gwyneth, the nymph priestess” the tone in her voice makes him boil, she speaks of her like the young priestess is dirt under her shoe. And he would not allow her to speak of Gwyn that way or anyone for that matter, because he know how it feels being on the receiving end of that degrading tone. He hears it in every mission, which makes him more furious. But his mask of cool calmness doesn’t crack, he mastered that mask along time ago, not even his brothers can read him most of the time, so he’s sure she will not be able to either.

“You do not speak about her or anyone in that way Elain, just because you were spoiled all your life, it doesn’t mean you can treat people however you like. Because trust me the mask of innocence you wear doesn’t look good on you, you have fool everyone around you, but from all the time we used to spend together showed me a lot of things about you, so you want to treat people like dirt under your shoe go somewhere else, because i will not let you treat people that way in this Court, understand?” He’s impressed with himself of how calm his voice sounded, because he’s raging inside, it feels like hot lava is travelling inside his veins.

Poking his chest with her index finger and a red face full of rage she spits “You’re such an as-” A throat clears behind cutting Elain off and causing them to advert their gazes, Azriel locks eyes with teal eyes, Gwyn eyes, they are breathtaking in every sense of the word beacause specially in that moment they did knocked the air out of his lungs when the bond snapped. The shasowsinger takes a step back as if he was punch on his gut. Staring at Gwyn with his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, trying and failing to know what to say to her, he blames his shadows for his idiotic ways for not warning him about Gwyn’s presence, again.

Elain glares at Gwyn with a look can only be described as fury, making her mask of innocent, sweet Elain crack, he wonder what he saw in her? Not because he has a mate now, but because he saw the ugliness Elain has inside, the jealously, viciousness, the unadulterated rage and hate. He saw it crack multiple times, but even then he was there for her, because he knew she wasn’t meant to be for him, he can’t fix her traumas even if he wanted to, and its not his burden to fix, it never was, but he feels less like a monster when trying to save people.

“Am I interrupting something?” Gwyn says looking between Azriel and Elain, trying to decipher what is going on between the two.

“No”

“Yes, you are” they answer at the same time.

“No, Gwyn, you aren’t this conversation is over” adhering his eyes for his now mate to look at Elain “Elain hel, we’ve been over before we even began all those months ago, as i told you before, i will not be the shield you hide behind to avoid your mate, I’m tired of it, and for what i said before, you will respect this Court whether you like it or not. So please leave before Nesta and the other arrives, I don’t have time to explain why are you here in the first place” his voice is emotionless while at the same time is exasperated, he’s tired of repeating things as if talking to a toddler. Well, she’s most certainly acting like one.

With a scoff the middle Archeron storm out of the training room, knocking her shoulder with the young priestess one, maybe thinking Gwyn would stumble, but she doesn’t move an inch, just looking amused and confused, not knowing what to make about the situation in front of her.

“Sorry you had to be here to witness that” The Shadowsinger says to her softly as not trying to scare her away, knowing that they are mates, he wonders if she knows.

“Don’t worry Shadowsinger, I’m here early because I wanted to return something to you” her voice strong and confident, while reaching for her pocket and taking out a necklace, that he recognises immediately, making him freeze in spot. He told Clotho not say it was for him, and he’s pretty sure she didn’t.

Still frozen in place he ask “How do you know it was from me and why are you giving it back? I gave it away for a reason” Looking anywhere but her knowing exactly why he gave it away, and for the looks of it she does too, but he just want to be certain, to know how much he messed up.

“I was looking for Clotho that day, when I was about to round the corner i heard you saying to her to give it to me, I didn’t know what it was, but after I heard that i left” Taking a deep breath, before continuing, her expression a mixture of sadness and resignation “I’m giving it back because I know it wasn’t meant for me, I know you know we are mates Azriel, I felt your rush of emotions when it snapped to you, I came here to give you back something that was never mine, and now that you know, my only request is give me time, I’m not ready to be mated, and for the looks of it you aren’t either, I don’t want to be a choice, not to you, not to anyone. I want to be a priority and you can’t give me that” she finishes and deflates like there’s a world hanging from her shoulders, Azriel’s heart is pounding nonstop, blood rushing to his ears, sweat coating his shaky hands, not knowing what to say. He didn’t think his mate would be someone like Gwyn, she’s a fucking angel, who didn’t deserve what happened to her, but he can see why they are equals, both of them won the Blood Rite, both of them have trauma that haunts their dreams and both of them need to heal before they can start. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t pain him what she said, he shouldn’t have give her that forsaken necklace, but he did and now he has to live with it.

‘I’m sorry for giving you something meant to another, I don’t have any excuses, the only thing i can do is apologise, I’ll give you as much time and space as you need, but before that i have something to tell you, you were never an option, i gave you that necklace not just because it was rejected, but because you deserve something beautiful after what happened to you, that was my thought when i gave Clotho the necklace, and you are a priority, you haven’t realised it but after that night on solstice i tried to spend a lot of my time with you, I was consumed by you, by the peace you bring to me, I didn’t know why, but now i do, I’m not asking you to stay and make things work, all I’m asking is for you to come back to me when you are ready, because I’ll be waiting even if you decide that you don’t want me, I know I’m not worthy of you, hel I’m not worthy of anything good, but if you decide to give me a chance, give us a chance, I’ll try and be someone worthy” he vows to her, looking straight to her eyes and sending all his emotions through the bond, showing her how much he means every word out of his mouth.

The redhead female adverts her eyes, not able to look in those hazel eyes, knowing that if she looks her decision will change “You are worthy Azriel, how you see yourself just proves how you are not ready for this, the two of us have our own issues to heal before we can be anything, our perception of ourselves are not good, I’ll continue training, we will see each other often, but for the time being we have to go our separate ways.” With that the priestess turn around and left when the others start to fill the training room, leaving Azriel’s heart and soul a little more fractured, but he vows to start to be better, for her, and for him.

A/N: sorry lovers, I’ve been really busy with uni stuff, I had this in drafts for the last two weeks incomplete, and i just finished it now! Enjoy and as i said before I appreciate any constructive criticism and feedback. Oh and I’m not sure if there will be just a part two or more parts. Thank you 🫶🏼

#azriel shadowsinger #acotar #cassian #gwynriel #nesta acotar #gwynriel supremacy #azriel spymaster #azriel angst #gwynriel angst #gwyn acotar #gwyneth berdara

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azsluttyslut · 5 months

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Born to die

Azriel x f!reader

TW: blood, violence, angst, fluff, near death experience.

Word count: 3883

Azriel POV

-Flashback-

Feet don't fail me now

Take me to the finish line

Oh, my heart it breaks every step that I take

But I'm hoping that the gates, they'll tell me that you're mine

He was corner there was no fucking scape, but all he could think about was that least his mate was safe, his only comfort at the moment, lovely (Y/N), always so sweet and caring. “It had my absolute honor to had been with her for the last 60 years” he thought to himself still fighting for his life.

The tried to fight as best as he could, the trained for situations like this his whole life, so he pushed himself harder, Azriel's only goal to see his mate at leat one more time, she deserves to know how much he love, his absolute everything. So that’s what he did, and killed soldiers under Koschie command left and right, but there was no point, they were everywhere and he was losing power, strength and he was so fucking exhausted, this was a losing game. That was until he felt a surge of power, he have never experienced that much power, not even from his brother and High Lord.

It was astonishing how can that blast killed every soldier around him, he himself wasn’t sure how he survived, it was like they melted, all the gore of the soldiers that were surrounding him was everywhere it was a a goo of blood, skin and bones. When Azriel turn around to see who was the person that save him, he couldn’t believe his eyes, his beautiful mate was there, she has never told Azriel about her powers, he never pushed her too afraid to say the wrong thing, she just told him that it brought bad memories and it was her trauma to bear. But watching her use her powers just so she can save Azriel it made him love her even more and for a moment it brought him this sense of peace, it was as if the Mother told him that everything was going to be okay, that this moment even as short as it was, was just one of many to come.

But that sense of peace went as quickly as it came. Because the moment he took a step forward to reach her, in a blink of an eye there was a one of the enchanted soldiers behind here, and before he can voice that, a fucking sword with faesbane was passing through her stomach and the feeling of pain he feel through the bond brought him to his knees and he scream, and scream, and in pure act of willingness only fuel by his anger he killed all around his path until he got to her, screaming and cursing the Mother for being so cruel moments. And then everything went black.

It could be days, or months he didn’t care how much time it passed since he last was conscious, not after the moment he woke up and everything came crashing down. He tried to reach for the bond but the was nothing. Not even his shadows were with him. He didn’t know to much time passed until Rhys came to the healing chambers to check on Azriel.

“Hello Brother, I'm happy to see you finally awake” he just stared at him blankly,the numbness consumed every finer of his body, he knows Rhysand went through the same but at least Feyre came back, instead he watch his mate died, he felt the pain and sure as hell he still feels the void in his chest, his very soul were once was a gold thread, full of love, joy and fulfilment. And as if reading his mind that Azriel is almost sure he did, he says “ she’s not dead, brother”.

-End of the flashback-

Walking through the city streets

Is it by mistake or design?

I feel so alone on the Friday nights

Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you're mine?

It's like I told you, honey (louder)

It’s been a month since the day Azriel woke up, and you are still unconscious, Rhys told him his shadows haven’t left you sight, that brought him a bit of confort. The loneliness consumed his already tormented soul, he never felt this alone in his life, not even when he was a child in the care of those bastards.

Madja doesn’t know when you are going to wake up, but they are sure you will, maybe they are saying that just to make him feel better, he doesn’t know at this point, the void that is the bond wights on him everyday, they won the war but he just feels lost.

Rhys encourage him to seek help with one of Madja's mental health healers, they told him that maybe if he does things that you both used to do together would make him feel better, but walking around Velaris without you it makes him feel empty. Not even your house in the suburbs feels like home, that’s where he made you his, when he devoted himself to you, and the memories are too much, too unbearable without you.

•1 week later•

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

The memories haunt Azriel like a plague everyday, all the laughs you share, the kisses, the all nighters, both of you getting drunk and high because you were bored. The memories playing in his head stopped the moment he felt the golden thread, all this time it’s has been a dim almost white, a white that made him feel hopeless, but right now it’s recovering color as if you were healing and recovering consciousness.

The tears blinded his eyes and the sob of relief that leaves his mouth, his entire body shook with the force of the sobs. He couldn’t stop the only thoughts running through his mind was “Y/N is waking up”, but even if that was true he could bring himself to go to see you. He couldn’t make himself be hopeful, and knew the only people that could help were his brothers.

Rhys! Rhys! RHYS!! BRING CASSIAN!

Rhysand appeared within seconds with Cassian in tow ready to attack, nothing would prepared them for the sight that greeted them. Azriel looked like a fallen angel, with tears streaming down his cheeks, face blotchy, red eyes, trembling body and slumped wings.

“Are you okay?” Cassian ask his voice frantic, searching for anything, they have never seen ghe shadowsinger like this, in all the years of friendship, he has never been the emotional friend, the only time Azriel cried beside when he was a kid was when Rhys came home form under the Mountain. He still remembers the grief of losing his brother and not been able to do anything to help. But that pain was minuscule compared to the thought and feeling of losing you.

“Az what’s happening? You are scaring us” Cassian voice make Azriel snaps out of his grieving thoughts, the tears and sobs don’t stop, he can bring himself to stop feeling.

“T-the bond” the sobs that leaves his mouth shooks his whole body, not even been able to form coherent sentence, the warlord and the high lord look at each other without knowing what to say, not knowing how to approach this topic.

“What about the bond” Rhys ask carefully, too carefully to the spymaster liking, but he doesn’t care, he feels the bond recovering it’s power, it makes his soul mend just a fraction.

“It- it’s not dim anymore” Both males sigh in relief “Rhys, I need you to check her, I-I can’t, I can’t get my hopes up, please” Rhysand gives Azriel a court nod and his gaze become distant, meaning that he’s asking Feyre. After about 10 minutes that felt like an eternity, Rhys has a small smile while looking at his broken brother. Stepping closer so he can comfort him while explaining what Feyre told him.

“She’s regaining consciousness, Madja said any of this days she would be awake again” After that the shadowsinger didn’t stopped crying of relief until he feel asleep. Cass and Rhys stayed the night, making sure that Adriel was okay.

-Flashback-

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

The night before the last battle it was raining, while you and your mate were at your tent, cuddle up.

“Let’s take a walk” Y/N said with those (e/c) eyes that the spymaster love to get lost in. And he knew he could never say no to those eyes while they look at him as if he’s the only person on earth, Azriel always tends to agree to whatever you wants, this time it wasn’t any different. He loves the spontaneous things you do, sometimes some of the things you wants to do border insanity, but he loves every aspect of his mate. So without a thought he took your hand while leading you outside.

“Angel be careful it’s raining, I don’t want you to get sick” the shadowsinger said, he knows fae don’t get sick easily but he always worry about you. Your only response was only a snort of laughter, and oh boy! how he love that sound.

“Az, you know as well as I do, fae don’t get sick easily, why don’t we dance in the rain, and just listen to the pattern of the rain” Your eyes glowed with joy as you looked at him expectantly, he didn’t hesitate in taking your hand and dragging you until we are chest to stomach, while you start to sway with his hands on your hips and yours around his neck, with your head laid on Azriel chest.

The shadowsinger couldn’t stop watching you, admiring more likely, he didn’t take his eyes away even while they were swaying to the sound of the rain and the latter soaking your clothes, but after some time he couldn’t contain himself and kissed you as hard as he could pouring all his love and devotion he feel for you, sending it through the bond and through the kiss. After that you two went back to the tent, drop the wet clothes and he showed you how much he loves you throughout the night.

But in the morning the bubble you’d encompass yourselves in exploded, because of how Rhys made the strategy for the last battle.

“Azriel I don’t care if Rhysand gave you the order or not, you will not be standing in the fucking front lines, I swear to the mother you cross that tent and…” Yelling got you nowhere with Adriel Y/N knew that as much, but even then he could still see the fear you held of the idea of him on the front. But his anger overpowered his common sense.

“Or what? Are you going to do what? (Y/N) this is for the best, I know how to protect myself, I know my limit. This is for our future, so yes I’m going to cross that tent because this is who I am, this is who was raised to be, born to be, if I have to die there knowing that you are safe, then my mission is done” and without another word he left the tent, your tent were his mate was left crying.

But to Azriel's saddened heart in middle of the battle he realized you never gave each other the kiss before battle, it was a non spoken deal between the two, it was their “I’ll be waiting for you to come back, please come back”. But it was too late, and the words exchange between the two in those last moments left a bitter taste on Azriel's tongue.

-End of the flashback-

Y/N POV

•1 week later•

Lost but now I am found

I can see that once I was blind

I was so confused as a little child

Tryna take what I could get

Scared that I couldn't find

All the answers, honey (louder)

My body feels like it’s on fire, I can’t even open my eyes, every nerve, every muscle in my body hurts, is this the after life? I thought that when you died you don’t feel any pain. But oh gods! I feel like I was crushed under a fucking mountain. Cauldron fucking boil me alive! The only thing that I feel apart from the agonizing pain in my body are the scattering caresses of what I think are Az's shadows.

A groan leaves my lips, as I tried my hardest to open my eyes to the blinding light that comes from the window, as if sensing my discomfort almost all of the shadows surround the room in darkness, while the others hurried vanished out of the room to probably alert Azriel and the inner circle. I don’t remember what happened, my last memory was the night before battle that me and mate dance in the rain, followed up to have the most tender and loving sex with Az. I feel so lost, with so many questions.

The sound of hurried footsteps getting closer bring me back from my scattering thoughts, a second later my beautiful mate appears in all his glory, but he looks terrible, not in a bad way, Azriel is the most gorgeous male I’ve ever seen, he couldn’t be ugly even if he tried. But there are circles under his eyes as if he hasn’t sleep in forever, his cheekbones are more prominent and he looks like he lost some pound and muscle. What the hel happened?

He looks frantic throughout the room as if some broke in, but that is until his gaze land on me. He lunges himself at me while breaking down with sobs. I tried to move to comfort him but my body is not cooperating. Not even my voice is functioning. Azriel's sobs break my heart and I think he feels it because he looks and me with tears in his eyes.

“You are alive” he looks at me as if he hasn’t seen me in years “you are okay” he repeats the same thing as mantra, as if trying to convince himself this is real. I tried to speak but no words come out. He sense this and rushes to bring you a glass of water, you gulp it down and the refills it again and again until your throat doesn’t feel like sand anymore.

“Hello my love” my voice comes out scratchy like I haven’t used it in a long time, at the pet name my mate's eyes fill with tears again. “what happened?”

“I promise, I’m going to tell you anything you want to know, baby, but I need to alert Madja you are awake, okay?” He caress my hair, my face touching everything part of me that he can, I’m able to give him a small nod, while his eyes become distant probably telling Rhys to call Madja.

Madja came ask questions while checking my body, always questioning where it hurts, what’s the last I remember, and told me not ask what happened, that my memories will be back in time, and asking would affect the currency of them, after a while she gave strict orders to all my family that I’m to stay in bed for at least a week more, that I need to regain my energy and my weight, and not to exhaust myself, while also giving Azriel some viles that help with the pain.

The week I was in bed all my family make sure I was taken care of, even Amren took care of me, that was weird, I’ve never seen her be so soft with someone, and that includes Varian, Mor and Feyre were as usual always fussing about anything I needed, Cassian and Rhys always made sure I was comfy enough and bringing me gifts and food, Cassian brought me a lot of books, courtesy of Ness, and sometimes Nests came to check up on me. And Azriel well he never left my side and when he did he made sure to leave his shadows with me even if he was to leave one minute.

Elain is another story altogether, since she was made, she took a liking to my mate, I don’t blame her Az is the sweetest most precious soul that I’ve ever known and because of that he indulged her, not intentionally, he just wanted to help her getting used to her new life, which gave her the impression that he was interested, and when she tried to make a move and he rejected her, she almost attacked me, blaming me that I stole Azriel for her. And while her sisters were on my side, they couldn’t let her sister's side either. Since then my relationship with the Acheron middle sister is non existent.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

After I was given the good to go by Madja, Az help me with training, giving me small exercises to regain strength, while always making sure I was okay and drinking enough water. I tried to talk to him about what happened with me, but every time I tried it was fruitless, is like all his walls shot up and he becomes a shell of himself, he has nightmares most nights and when he wakes up he makes sure I’m breathing and then proceeds to hold me tight trough out the night.

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

As Madja said the memories will be recovered with time, they did and I remember everything, the night before battle, the fight before battle and the moment I saved my mate for being killed to me being stabbed by a faesbane coverd sword. And even though I remember all the traumatic events, one thing is echoing in my head. Azriel last words before battle “…this is who I am, this is who was raised to be, born to be, if I have to die there knowing that you are safe, then my mission is done” it’s like he thinks himself as a weapon, he always did, but I thought we were past that.

“Love, are you okay?” Azriel’s melodic voice breaks through my thoughts, making me snap my eyes to his hazel almost gold eyes. His scarred fingers wipe gently my under eyes, I didn’t know I was crying until that moment.

“Az, do you still see yourself as a weapon?” I look straight into his eyes, but when he adverts his eyes, I got my answer. “You know, we talked about that for years, I thought that you didn’t see yourself that way anymore” I say gently.

“I know, trust me I know, but when the war began and everything happened, my only thought was that I have to keep you safe, and if that means be a weapon, t-then so be it” his voice breaks at the end “when you saved me I couldn’t be more proud to call you my mate, I was so ready to run to you, and hold you, but the moment that that soldiers s-stabbed you, I-I lost it, I didn’t even realized more soldiers were approaching me, but it was like my brain knew and I killed them all just to get to you” A few tears scape his eyes, with shaky fingers I cup his face and wipe them, his eyes look up at mine, and all the pain I see there breaks my heart.

A sob scapes my lips when I tried to talk, taking a deep breath I tried again “We are stronger than this baby, we are going to go through this together as we always do, and if I have to remind you every day for the rest of our lives that you are not a weapon, that you are worthy, and wroth living for, I will, always, but you have to promise me that you will try, and never give up on you, on us” I tell him, resting me forehead against his, while looking deep in his eyes. His chin quivers with, and tears wet his eyelashes. Azriel gives me a nod while chanting “I promise” over and over again.

We were born to die

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

We were born to die

A pain prickles my neck making me hiss and my mate's heveas a hiss of his own while touching his neck, my eyes look at his neck looking at a tattoo, a skull with wings, “The Angel of Death”, that’s what that means, what they used to called in the Court of Nightmares. My power, death in every shape or form. My fingers trace the portrayal of our promise mark on our skins. His eyes adverts to my neck, looking at what I know is my tattoo, it’s a skull with truth-teller he says, while shaky breaths and broken voice.

“Please don’t leave me again” he says after a few moments “I wouldn’t know how to bear with that, the past month and a half, it was hel” his eyes plead with me.

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane

I gave him a reassuring smile, crashing my lips with his, in a silent promise that everything is going to be fine, that we are going to do this together. Whatever long it takes. That I have him as he has me. That our love is unconditional and strong. That we will have again moments like the one we had before battle. And specially that we will be together to whatever life throws at us. And I’m that moment draped in each others arms, everything feels right.

So, don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

We were born to die

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

We were born to die

Why? (Got that?)

Who, me? (Louder)

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

Why? (Got that?)

Fin.

A/N: well as I said I’m new to this, I hope you enjoy, I accept constructive criticism and feedback. Thank you and sorry for any grammar errors 🫶🏼

#shadowsinger x reader #azriel angst #azriel #azriel spymaster #azriel shadowsinger #azriel x reader #rhysand #cassian #acotar #acotar series #feyre archeron #morrigan #amren #elain archeron

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