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Follow these four simple steps and you can enjoy a long, happy and healthy life in the first class cell at Baltimore Hospital for the Criminally Insane !

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#Javier Garron #Peter Quill #Sam Humphries #Star Lord #Fabela #D'Marta #Marvel Comics

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#JamesCaan #Chicago #Thief #1982 #TuesdayWeld #MichaelMann

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Find out why I think this is the movie of 2015 by clicking above. 

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I’m not going to bury the lead; Bridge of Spies is a really good movie. It is a film with a stance, that manages not to paint Americans or Russians of the 50’s as cartoons. You would think that be hard because the Tom Hanks role of Jim Donovan has a very strong point of view. He is a character who believes in honor and respect. It does not matter that he tasked to represent an enemy of his country. He believes in the law. He thinks that as an American sacrificing your principles during war is not an option...

#Bridge of Spies #Tom Hanks #The Cold War #The Coen Brothers #T-Hanks #Steven Spielberg #Movie Review #Mark Rylance #East Germany

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I wrote this for my internet friend @liannabanana. It’s actually a really fun piece (says the person who hates their own writing). If you like it, follow her blog and/or mine for more stuff like this.

The genre Superheroine Submission is a thriving genre of Fetish porn, that according to my research, can be tracked back to 1995. Continue reading...

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SPECTRE

Yeah, you didn’t need to risk it all. 

A View to a Kill is one of the best James Bond songs. Among other things what makes it so great is that it’s infinitely more entertaining than the entirety of the dreadful Dreck that is the movie, that song is attached to.

Sadly, Spectre isn’t one of the countless times good movies have been paired with bad songs or bad movies with good songs (along with every other measure in-between). The song and the movie are mirror reflections of each other this time out. Writing on the Wall starts really strong and reminds you a lot of previous James Bond songs. The song like the movie however never quite picks up or evolves into anything more interesting. A flat dull pace remains throughout. Nothing about it ever earns the words: Fun, intriguing or even exciting.      

I’m not overstating when I say that this might be the worst Bond film since Die Another Day.

The worst thing is that you can tell they were actually trying to make a good movie. If there’s one positive, it’s that you can feel the effort putt into it. The problem is they didn’t seem to commit to anything. They try to be funny, but every fucking joke falls so flat on it’s face. They tried to wink at the camera have Craig be “Moore-Esq.”  while completely forgetting that Craig is serious bruiting Bond. He’s the bond who you see staring into the mirror in Casino Royale, showing you with only the power of his eyes how fucked up, he knows his life is. He’s Emo Bond and he’s fucking great at it.

Which is what make this movie so disappointing.

Skyfall was a celebration movie, a fiftieth anniversary. So we all let something slide. It’s a party after all. So any goofiness that existed in it - I allowed. Spectre goes all in, in the blandest way.

Nothing HITS YOU IN THE DICK (or whatever you got going on), as I like to say. Nothing hits, like Daniel Craig jumping into a train from the top of a power shovel. 

There is no moment like in Casino Royale where Instead of jumping over a piece of drywall - Bond just plows through it forcing you to shout FUCK YEAH at your TV at 1:43 in morning . All despite the fact that you’ve seen Casino Royale countless times before. There is no point I remember cheering during this movie. The chills when M reads Tennyson. The all too real torture scene from Casino Royale that still makes me want to leave the room every time Bond asks Le Chiffre to scratch his balls for him. This movie has none of that. It tries. It really tries.

Not to say there nothing positive. It’s just there so much bullshit that I don’t think I remember any of it.

While no one phoned it in, I couldn’t help but notice none of them had very much to do in the movie. Craig tried to make the comedy work. He really did. Ralph Fiennes perhaps the person I looked forward to most after Skyfall is given nothing to do. He’s reduced to the shouting police captain from every cop movie. Ben Wishaw as Q is reduced to comedic relief. If you’ve ever seen The Hour, you know that’s a fucking travesty. Naomie Harris gets much the same treatment, the difference being that her jokes and even her moments where she’s meant to be serious, actually fucking work. They wasted Moriarty himself, Andrew Scott on the 2nd fiddle to (SPOILERS IF YOU HONESTLY DIDN’T KNOW SOMEHOW) Blofeld. A weasley character the Paul Reiser would not be proud of.

Oh yeah Blofeld is in the is movie. Christoph Waltz, the man responsible for one of the best villains of the 21st century, the one and only Hans Landa. Waltz completely under used in this movie. When he say’s “Claus Oberhauser died 20 years ago in avalanche. The man speaking to you now is Ernst Stavro Blofeld”. I didn’t care. He didn’t sell it. It was the worst reveal I’ve ever seen.  I didn’t give a fuck. Below is one of my favorite scenes in movie history. Below is the scene I hold as one of the best uses of tension ever.

What a fucking waste.

The score of this movie among other things, is a cannibalized version of Skyfall. Which is terrible because as someone who loves the score to Skyfall they completely misuse every cue that they absolutely shouldn’t. Using action music is acceptable, reusing or remixing the music from the train fight in Skyfall not a big deal. Reusing Judi Dench’s M theme on Ralph Fiennes M not something I’m against. But using the fucking Scottish theme when Daniel Craig is randomly staring into space (mind you I don’t think he was think about Skyfall or even M, he was thinking some other random Bullshit I can’t remember). 

Using the music from the shower scene with the former sex slave, while Craig seduces Monica Bellucci. The only new music come from callbacks to Writing on the Wall, callbacks that stick out when the rest of time you're just reusing music written to pair with Skyfall.

On a similar note, This movie ruins Craig’s other movies. The constant reference to Silva (Who apparently was part of Spectre?), Le Chiffre, Green and Vesper will force me think of this donkey pre-cum of a movie every time I re-watch Casino or Skyfall.

I guess I should try to say something good about this trash pile. Something good.

Fuck this movie.

#James Bond #Spectre #Skyfall #Quantum Of Solace #Casino Royale #Ian Fleming #monica bellucci #christoph waltz #Daniel Craig #lea seydoux #naomie harris #ralph fiennes #sam mendes #007

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If a Terminator weren’t following them the line “I came across time for you Sarah,” could be seen as much creepier now.

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I wonder how many times people told Alec Guinness jokes about the beer.

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could be gayer

a review (via hauntter)

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My friend: Spokane is in the news.

Me: really that's awesome, why?

My friend: there's a woman who's clearly white claiming to be black.

Me: Fucking Spokane.

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Jerry Seinfeld is Right.

I am disappointed in you.

Jerry Seinfeld is right.

Sorry.

He is in no way wrong about PC culture. Our generation takes political correctness so seriously that it’s comical. I understand why people feel the need to voice their discomfort. I understand that for some people certain situations are traumatic. Some words hurt, trust me I understand.  

Comedy is about pushing the boundaries and making people a little uncomfortable.

What Jerry is saying is that college students are overwhelming in their correctness.

Stand ups are - used to a few people coming up after a show and saying they're offended or that their jokes just aren't funny.

It’s completely normal. In Fact one or two people could be a net positive for a comic if the critique has makes sense. But… If you are a touring stand up, working on new material and you go to a show where EVERYBODY tells you they're offended. Chances are you’ll kill that joke.

Now some of you might be saying “well good he never should have told that joke in the first place”.

To that I would say you’re so wrong. Jokes evolve over time. They change so much from inception to the point when the comic decides to retire the bit. So a joke might start out terrible and utterly offensive. But once that bit is, perfected it might not resemble the initial joke.

You need an audience that is representative of many differing viewpoints. Especially if you want to perfect a joke so that it can reach its potential. But if you you play a college campus, chances are you’ll find the audience is monolithic in its views. When most of the audience is telling you to “fuck off” your going to ignore that audience.

The point being that Jerry is saying the PC police will cause comedy become stale and lose it’s punch. If it’s not offensive to somebody, it’s probably not funny.

Comedy is born from pain. It’s based in some reality but is also false.

 Here is a clip from Joe Rogans most recent special to help explain what I mean. Stop at about 25:40 or 27:00.

https://youtu.be/_2NNk46qIL0?t=23m 

You take an idea or a situation to it’s most absurd and use that to make people laugh.  

Louie in no way said pedophilia is alright a couple weeks back. What he did was point out the utter absurdity that came out of that situation. That’s part of how comedy works.

I also understand that some people are so wrapped in their own feelings they won't accept what I've said. Even If it were 100% right.

Stop taking yourselves so seriously. Acknowledge that you might be on the right side of history to degree that makes you insufferable.

#jerry seinfeld #pc police #college campuses

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love dares you to care for  The people on the edge of the night

Under pressure, Queen & David Bowie (via mrgofuckyourself)

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The Avengers: Age of Gagetron (Movie Review)

Tony Stark: Does anybody remember when I put a missile through a portal, in New York City? We were standing right under it. We're the Avengers, we can bust weapons dealers the whole doo-da-day, but how do we cope with something like that?

Steve Rogers: Together.

Tony Stark: We'll lose.

Steve Rogers: We do that together too.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron is fucking great. That’s get that out of the way first. Not only is it a great addition to the marvel canon but it’s a fun propulsive action film that is able to balance an every expanding cast. Now I’d be lying if I said that this movie is great even if you're not already under Marvels spell. But it still in my opinion holds up on it’s own as a fun summer blockbuster.

To begin praising this movie I have to focus on the true standouts. Because if I go through one by one - i’ll be here along time. The performance that still sticks in my mind the most long after the movie is Scarlett Johansson. Not gonna lie the fact that she is the one true God is distracting. Her deity status aside I found myself thinking the most about her character when she was off screen. Admittedly there have been so many movies in the MCU with Scarjo that It’s much easier to love that character at this point. Also Black Widow my is favorite monthly book. But all that aside i’m still impressed - ScarJo continues to add new layers to the screen version of this character.

It’s truly remarkable that a character who wasn’t the least interesting part of Iron Man 2 has grown into one of the better characters in these movies. She has Arnold like timing with her one liners but in the deep emotional scenes she sells it that she believes a monster. And don’t even get me started on that scene, one which riled up tumblr but in my opinion is one of the more touching things to occur in this universe. While it no “Yeah,  It’s just… I had a date.” It’s a moment that gives us more Natasha backstory in a digestible way. I’m convinced at this point that we'll only get a Black Widow movie once her origin has been completely explained. If you know anything about the books you know there's one major piece that hasn't been revealed - because it’s so dark. We’ll probably get it during Civil War.

Now that done giving ScarJo oral I've got to say that the chemistry between the cast in this movie is fucking phenomenal. It’s not just the party scene after taking a major Hydra base. It’s the scenes were the team is torn apart and the scenes where they come back together that really show the strength of this show. When steve says that line  quoted up top I choked up abit. Because the Avengers are like a family, members switch out on occasion and come back when it’s most vital but they always come back eventually.

God this movie is good. So many great moments. The Twins are even great, two characters I expect to ham handedly shoved into this movie end up becoming my favorites part of the movie. While AT-J is fine in this - it’s Elizabeth Olsen who really sells it in this movie. From her evil smile as she causes Tony to eventually build Ultron all the way until the end when she makes her debut as an Avenger. There are so many points where I was just frozen by how intimidating and stoic she was. Also she did such a great job while being saddled with the most euro trash fake russian accent.

I haven't even began to praise James Spader in this movie. Spader who is basically doing an RDJ impression at RDJ. Ultron is funny, sympathetic and obviously very fragile. Saying he his in the top five of marvel villains is no stretch at all. He’s sitting pretty with Obediah Stain, Loki, Wilson Fisk and Alexander Pierce. He’s such an interesting villain that I desperately want him to come back a couple years down the road. Of the course the Animators of the movie brought something to it, because Ultron doesn't move or feel like a robot. He even gets to perform 'Strings on me' like in the trailer, but actually comes kind of adorable. I completely understand how there are people who want to f*** Ultron, I don't but... I get it.

There is too much greatness in this movie. Every set piece is well constructed and every small character moment works. its a movie with so moive great qualities that I honestly don't see what if any problems it might have. Well mostly. Here’s the bad news. The biggest problem with this movie is there’s not really and ending... however Empire Strikes back doesn’t have a solid ending necessarily, nor does the Two Towers. The point being that Phase two has very much been modeled after Episode five. There is no solid footing in the end, we are left in mystery of what is going to come in Phase three. And trust me if what I’ve heard about three is true, then you bet the ending will hit you like a train.

Also the color palette was little uninteresting, especially toward the end. Maybe it's my color blindness, maybe they chose weird settings during color correction but it get confusing at points.

Overall it’s a really great summer blockbuster. I can guarantee that I’ve left some stuff out and missed a few things. I didn’t even mention The Vision who steals the last minutes of the movie. But go put your money where your mouth is watch it. In Fact watch it twice like I did. At least you get to see that Star Wars trailer on the big screen.

Spoiler Section

https://docs.google.com/document/d/156unknOHYlnZSehtLulfLJyOO--o_GquKGHHFnvx7p0/edit?usp=sharing

#The Avengers: Age of Ultron #Age of Ultron #Gage A. Lewis #Scarlett Johanson #James Spader #Robert Downey Jr. #Chris Evans #Chris Hemsworth #Jeremy Renner #Marvel #MCU #Movie Review #Mark Ruffalo #The Vision #Paul Bettany #Elizabeth Olsen #Aaron Taylor-Johnson