antisocialturtlebender

[antisocialturtlebender]

Open for commissions!

I have five slots available for late April! Email me at [email protected] with what you'd like and I'll get a quote to you. If you're based in the UK and your commission size is small, I might be able to squeeze you in.

[antisocialturtlebender]

A Family portrait during the Spanish Flu, 1918 ♡

[antisocialturtlebender]

[antisocialturtlebender]

u & me 4evr

@sirfloofy

[antisocialturtlebender]

[antisocialturtlebender]

An important checklist for your safety.

Can you see the human?

YES: All is well. A human will not usually be doing anything dangerous to other species when they are able to be clearly observed.

NO: Go to the next quesiton.

Can you hear the human?

YES: All is well. A human knowingly doing something they aren't supposed to do will rarely be done in a manner that will attract unwanted attention.

No: Go to the next question.

Is this the human's designated rest period?

YES: All is well. The human is, most likely, asleep.

NO: Go to the next question.

Is there supposed to be a human at your location at this time?

YES: Follow procedure #3.

NO: All is (probably) well. You are in a location where a human is not supposed to be and you can not see or hear a human. It is usually safe to assume that a human is not present.

Procedure #3: Missing Human.

Begin by loudly ordering that any humans present must make their locations known. Humans have a natural knack for stealth and have been known to climb into unlikely places for various reasons which include, but are not limited to, "fun," "to be alone," "to see what was in there," and the well known, "Hold my beverage." Occasionally, you may increase the likelihood of a human response by loudly shouting the human name, "Marco."

If the human has not made themselves known at this time immediately make an announcement using your ship intercom and order the human to contact you with their location. Remain calm, this does not necessarily mean your human is doing anything dangerous. Perhaps your human is refreshing themselves. See procedure #19: Coffee Break. Perhaps they did not come out of their rest period at the regularly scheduled time and may still be sleeping, or they are still on route to your location

If the human has not made contact at this time immediately make a ship-wide announcement ordering that any crew member knowing the location of the human in question must contact you with this information.

If the human's location is still unknown to you at this time call a general alert and have your crew begin search procedures. It is likely that the human is doing something they are not supposed to be doing, most likely as a form of entertainment.

[antisocialturtlebender]

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

[antisocialturtlebender]

Things Humans Have Definitely Said to Aliens:

"Crewmate John, by the Old Ones I cannot convince my hatchling to consume his vegetables."

"Push the fork towards their mouth and tell them it's an airplane."

"What the f-"

"Tell them. It's an airplane."

[antisocialturtlebender]

Injuries and a ship invasion, no one dies

"Why do they let humans take care of our younglings? If it hadn't been for the coalition then it would've been another century till they realize our existence. Their senses have dulled to the point where its laughable that they are the dominating species of their planet. And lets not forget the fact that they're at constant war with each other over the most stupidest things, color of skin, where one lives, who they love, what they believe, etc."

"Calis stop it! Your being a xenophobe. And while some of that is true you should know by now that the humans care deeply for our children."

"I am simply being concerned parent who worries for their young's safety and well-being...we are in a dangerous area right now, the middle of a war zone, and it would make me feel safer if we had some others at the care centre till reinforcements arrive."

"Trust me my brightest, the humans will do everything they can to ensure the safety of our Dali...and knowing them they'll likely surprise you and live up to their reputation."

"...fine, fine, I apologize, you are right. The humans have surprised me so far, what's one more?"

.

..

...

....

"WHERE IS DALI?! WHERE IS MY YOUNGLING CAPTAIN!"

"Calis calm down! Your arm!"

"NO! YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN ENEMY FORCES HAVE INVADED OUR SHIP AND NONE OF US CAN FIND OUR YOUNG!!"

"Calis, your hurt and so is your partner. Think of Gala, they need you right now."

"...Gala is hurt because they were looking for Dali. They got shot because they were heading to the centre...I have to find Dali. For Gala, Captain."

"I'm sure that Kim and Max are doing everything they can to keep them safe."

"With all do respect Captain, how could 2 unarmed humans survive what our force couldn't."

"...I don't know but its probably going to be one hell of a story we'll be telling for the ages. Now go get your arm treated. That's an order."

.

..

...

....

"WE FOUND THEM!"

"CAPTAIN WE FOUND THE YOUNGLINGS!"

"WE NEED A CRANK AND SEND EVERY AVAILABLE MEDIC!"

"oh great stars please no...nonononono DALI!" the Delzah rushed forward, breaking through the search party, only to be stopped by their captain.

"Calis...you have to let them do their job. We, we just have to hope." he could not help the hitch in his breath. Hoping, praying, that his own child was okay underneath the wreckage that was once the youngling care centre.

They fight and thrash until eventually grief overtakes them. They collapse into the captain's arms wailing.

"...what hope do I have that my child is alive under all that rubble. Captain...the only hope I have is that they died quick and that they are with the stars now..."

"Oh Calis..." he sobs. He knows it. There was hardly a chance that anyone was still alive underneath there. Only the strongest younglings who were from a strong species may survive and his child was not one of those few. They were strong but his child was like him...a runt, the joke of the family. Too small, too weak, too soft. She was surely dead...why couldn't it have been him?

"MAPA!"

"PAPA!"

One by one, children emerge from an opening made in the rubble, and at the front of them was Dali and a small feline like child.

"my glorious star" flinging themself from the Captain Calis dragged themself to meet Dali who leaped into their Mapa's arms.

The captain was not too far behind, running to his daughter and cradling her close. Words were not exchanged but Calis could feel the vibrations coming from their purrs.

"See...I told you they would be waiting..."

last to emerge from the rubble was the humans, carried out on stretchers. Only one was conscious. Glass glittered from their skin, dirt and dust blended with vibrant red blood, staining their white bandages, and a rebar was poking out of the unconscious one's side.

"You...got everyone right?"

"Yes, human Max."

"Good...that's good..." and finally did they lose consciousness.

.

..

...

....

"Apparently they covered the windows and hid the kids in the storage room, putting them to the farthest corner while they formed a human wall in front of the door.

When those quiznaking bastards couldn't break down the door they rigged the centre with explosives. Lucky for us the humans personally requested that the storage room be made durable for the equivalent of their disasters on earth so it held up decently well."

"But how did they get so injured?"

"Decently well, meaning the room wasn't completely stable. Eventually the walls started to give and the humans had to improvise by becoming the new pillars. They took shifts until they both had to hold up the weight for what the kids guess to be 3 hours...imagine holding up all of that weight until you were on your hands and knees with rebars, broken glass, and debris piercing into your body."

"...Gala said that Human Max nearly flatlined and Human Kim needed 2 liters of blood."

"You seem confused."

"...Humans are impressive but how did they do all of that? They were already injured and yet managed to hold up a collapsed ceiling for hours until help arrived, I thought they were completely average and even weaker than us."

"Apparently when their loved ones, especially children, are in danger they tap into their more primal instincts. Allowing them to withstand a shot to the side, a slab of concrete to the head, and hours of keeping a ceiling from collapsing until they know everyone is safe.

Heard a story of a human who died only after he saw his kids was safe from a fire."

"Looks like Gala was right. Humans have surprised me once again."

[antisocialturtlebender]

Captain’s log, number 197.

Well, it finally happened. They warned me it would when I took humans aboard, but I didn’t believe them.

The humans have threatened mutiny over an object they have pack-bonded with.

A few cycles ago, one of the humans placed … decorative items … what are they called? “googling eyes?” upon one of the maintanence drones. While against procedure, this seemed to be amusing to the humans and I let them have this bit of enrichment to their environment.

Last cycle another human, or perhaps the same one, I haven’t been able to get a clear answer on who did it, decided to expand upon this decoration with the addition of black bonding tape, cut into shapes the humans find very amusing.

See attached picture for clarity:

In another cycle we will be docking at space-station 114-Hartnell for our annual maintanence and reguation-compliance inspection. I need not say how we must be reguation compliant in order to maintain our trade lisence with the alliance.

This would, of course, include that all maintanence drones are kept up to code. So I ordered the humans to remove the decorations.

… I …

…I have no words …

Their reaction.

They named him.

It! I meant to say, they named it.

They stated, and I quote, “You will not touch one hair of Robert Floor-Buffington the third, captain, or there’ll be a problem!” 

They’ve made up stories! Robert Floor-Buffington, he’s a humble, but hard working space bot, who just wants to do right for his a robot wife, and robot children!

It’s a maintanence drone! Identical to the hundred other maintanence drones we have on board.

But the humans they’re insane!

They just will not be moved on this issue.

… Maybe I can pursuade them to just ensure this Robert Floor-Buffington is kept out of the inspectors way. We have a hundred identical models, surely they won’t notice that one is missing?

***Log paused for incoming message***

Captains log addendum.

Perhaps the inspectors will not notice four maintanence drones are missing.

The humans have decided to decorate three other drones and have taken to referring to them as the “wife and two children of Robert-Floor Buffington the third.”

At this time, there is a heated debate occuring in storage bay three over what the names of this robot family will be.

…

…

…

Additional. I have over two-hundred days of shore-leave accrued. I think I’ll be making good use of that in the near future.

[antisocialturtlebender]

Shark ...weak?

Human: This is a shark. It is an apex predator with rows of replaceable razor-sharp teeth and it has existed since before trees, nearly unchanged. For most of human history our medical technology was not good enough for us to survive being bitten, especailly since sharks can and will eat almost anything. They're also incredibly fast swimmers and prefer to attack from below where you cannot see them coming. Luckily they live in the oceans and we live on land so there's only really danger if we go into their territory.

Alien: A place to avoid for certain.

Human: If you decide to go diving with sharks, it's strongly advised that you wear a specialised chainmail bite-proof suit over your diving suit and remain in a large metal bite cage so that they cannot get their powerful jaws around you. However, if you find yourself in the water with a shark and you do not have these protections - for example if you went surfing in shark territory with nothing but a foam surfboard that makes you look like a seal from below and a thin fabric to cover your privates, a stern little boop to the snoot will usually make them surrender.

Alien: ...what.

Human: Always remember, sharks are more scared of you than you are of them!

[antisocialturtlebender]

When the aliens realize the human urge to pack-bond is stronger than the predator instinct they are extremely relieved.  They also start stocking their ships with anything remotely pack-bondable to entice humans to protect said ship.  This includes anything from actual pets, like cats, to inanimate objects like one ship that has a whole army of roombas following the human around.

[antisocialturtlebender]

I don't know if anyone said this before, but, I think the one thing that would put the fear of an alien god into an alien would be just how territorial humans are.

Humans generally have small territories tightly packed against others, sometimes even on top of each other. They are social creatures, after all, and seem to enjoy inviting each other to their territories that might even contain other species!

So, you would think they would welcome other visitors, right?

Wrong. Humans are wildly territorial to the point even something as harmless as a fruit fly is murdered on sight. Then, surely they must allow other predators that repel such creatures, right? Wrong again, even 'useful' ones likes spiders are shown no mercy.

Alien: I apologize but I'm struggling to grasp this concept. You said you killed that arachnid as there was a possibility it could come in contact with your sleeping quarters. Doesn't your feline companion frequent there? I'm sure it couldn't do more damage than an apex predator?

Human: Uhh, okay let me rephrase that; it isn't about coming in contact with my stuff. It's about me allowing it. Mr. Pickle Jar is allowed to be here and touch my things, that spider isn't. So, it needs to die.

Alien, writing DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE in big bold letters in the notepad: Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing.

[antisocialturtlebender]

Spot the difference (extremely hard edition)

[antisocialturtlebender]

beep beep sometimes when you have been in survival mode for a long time the parts of you dedicated to Wanting Things atrophy and you forget how to envision a future that feels rewarding because you are busy with the business of staying alive, and it can seem like your life must be pointless because you can’t imagine any long term goals. sometimes even when you leave survival mode you can’t remember how to Want Things. that doesn’t mean you need to give up on having a good and fulfilling life, it just means that Wanting Things is a muscle you need to gradually strengthen. the part of you that has dreams and aspirations is still there, it just fell asleep, but if you wiggle it enough it can and will regain feeling. it’s okay to start small

[antisocialturtlebender]

You live in a very haunted house, but it’s not that bad. The voices in the basement remind you of your laundry and tell you to check the boiler, the rat size talking spider keeps the pests away and is a pretty good therapist, and the victorian ghost children are great friends with your kids.

[antisocialturtlebender]

Do other neurodivergents specifically adhd and autistic spectrum people force themselves to sit in a hotter climate so it can overwhelm what they were feeling before and calm them down?

Or this just me?

#adhdlife #adhd #autism #autistic things #actually autistic #actually adhd #nuerodivergent