anonymousanduncensored

[anonymousanduncensored]

Hi

I love texting my dad about his new daughter. Only after having an award conversation about my credit card charges that I do to get back at him. I dont know if im sad or mad and pale him pay but I really do make him pay. I try to lighten the conversation about how im graduating from fucking law school and how little time I have left, met with super enthusiastic replies which include a) no reply or b) “Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Very heartfelt. 

I saw a tiktok about childhood trauma and how I am a people pleaser in part because everything I did was trying to get approval and respect but always fell short. I cried in high school on a walk with my mom about how hard I pushed myself to make Brent proud but he never gave me a second of him being genuinely proud of me. I push and push and push and it was never good enough because top of the class and perfection was expected. He was perfect. He was top of his class. Anything less than that would never get me the respect or love or care that I wanted all while he blindly demanded respect. I will never respect a man who would scream at his helpless kids or hurt them, come up from behind and hit me so hard on my backside all 67 pounds of me would fly forward. The ring that was supposed to be a sign of love leaving welts on my body. Being hit until I cried. Fake crying to just make it stop. I swear he would see red and go fucking crazy on two helpless kids. He was taking his anger out on the only people in his life that he felt were beneath him. He is beneath everyone now. A weird fish in a small pond with a new small town family that has yet to find family porn on his computer. 

Anyway getting a grad card for his new daughter I see as a sort of olive branch but the man with no feelings about others doesn’t give a rip. I don’t think he likes her very much either, and I don’t think she sees him as a new dad. Everyone is just there, bodies taking up space but not connecting or caring or loving each other. 

#daddy issues #trauma #hurting #growth?

[anonymousanduncensored]

Hey.

I am finishing my last year of law school, reviewing the previous posts, marveling at how much changes and how much stays the same. I still spend my dad’s money out of anger, but we dont talk much aside from when he needs something or is trying to fake like he is an involved father. I think I don’t have him anymore, just accepting he will never be the man I want him to be. I have a new step dad of a few years now whom I adore, call him “new dad” and then just “dad”, who treats me like the daughter he always wanted. I have a boyfriend who treats me like a queen and who puts my needs first always. All that to say that life works out in the end, that God has a plan and even when things are not clear, there is an end goal which makes everything make sense. I appreciate this space and hope y’all have had some of the same forward progress. At this rate I will check in in a few years, hope all is well and everyone is healing as needed. Thank you for providing me with a place to vent and feel safe. XOXO. 

[anonymousanduncensored]

Those little jabs to the heart.

I forgot this outlet existed. I healed and grew and moved on. I met a wonderful man with a similar paternal figure and situation who helped me to grow past my dad and look to what I can control. My mom got re-married to a wonderful man whom I called “New Dad” for a bit as a joke but now he is just my dad. He takes care of me which is an amazing thing to finally have. I get to have the relationship I craved with a better man who cares for my mom and me more than the man who shares my DNA. I’ve distanced myself from my biological dad and focused on my own life with a real father figure and a wonderful boyfriend. There are little annoyances here and there because of my real dad, but for the most part, I have created a life for myself without him in it and I am happy. I was recently accepted into law school, and as per usual I did not inform my biological dad because he doesn’t know me anymore and is hardly in my life so I wouldn’t be sharing information like that with him. Regardless, he found out and sent me a great text praising me and acting like he was proud of me. How can you be proud of someone you don’t know? He is such a fraud and I can see that now, but I can’t help but feel the same hurt I used to. He gets to come back to me pretending he knows me and understands my journey to get here. He pops up when I am successful but never when I am down. He wants to act like he is in my life when he sees an opportunity to brag about me to others to make himself look better. He uses me to make himself look better to the losers around him. It feels like he tries to take credit for me, but I refuse to let him. Its moments like these where I am sad because of his fair-weather fan behavior. He doesn’t get to know me or celebrate with me. He isn’t in my life and missed the opportunity to be. I know in the end it is his loss of a daughter, and I am lucky to not have to have him in my life.

#daddyissues #daddydaughter #growth #healing

[anonymousanduncensored]

The Morning After

When I was younger and would get in fights with my dad, I would usually wake up the next morning drained, exhausted, and dehydrated. I missed school a few times when the fight of the night before took too much out of me, leaving me to feel this emptiness nothing could fill. This morning I woke up and felt like that again, my heart is in pain and my mind is numb. I feel stupid for giving him another chance, for letting him influence how I feel. I keep giving him control over my life and emotions, and I know that I shouldn't. But I can't help it. The little girl inside keeps hoping and praying that one day her dad will be who he was supposed to be, the first man to love her. But time and time again I look like a fool for hoping for the best, but I know I’ll do it again, my tragic flaw is that I always hope for the best from people.  

[anonymousanduncensored]

Just a little girl who wants her dad to love her

[anonymousanduncensored]

I never cry. But I did. In an elevator.

You can't have too much of a good thing right? Guess so. While I'm away at school, I don't hear a word from my dad, and I like the silence. Without him in my life, I have a clear mind to focus on bigger things going on in my life like friendships and actual school work. I am usually the one who has to read out to him when there’s something to be done, and that’s fine. So, he was planning to come down to Iowa City to bring me some items from home (work gloves for my volunteer work actually)  since he was staying the night before an early flight the next morning. We worked out a plan and that was it, he would bring me my stuff, maybe get me some real food, and our hour interaction would be easy and painless. Wrong as ever. He made alternate plans to take my brother to a musical down here and neglected to tell me that he was going to blow me off to attend. I found out through my brother, later receiving a text from my dad saying plans changed and he will probably ship them to me. 

I keep giving him chances to be a good dad, and each and every time I do he ends up showing me why I was wrong to do it, time and time again. I feel stupid and embarrassed from thinking my dad would finally be a dad. But no, he decides to do whatever he wants with no regard for his fucked up daughter who keeps pinning for guys to give her the love and affection her father never gave her. I need to stop wishing and hoping that one day he will change into the man I've begged him to be for me. 

Fucked up girl because of her fucked up dad.

#neglect #heartbreak #daddyissues #college #sad #hurt

[anonymousanduncensored]

Life is so much better, easier, happier without you.

Being back at school after a month of being home and constantly being let down over and over again by my dad is a breath of fresh air. My heart is open and I have been overcome by serenity and peace. I need to learn to guard myself against him and to not let him influence my emotions. I am a very positive upbeat person, but when I am around him, all I feel is sadness. He causes me to build up my walls when the one thing I do best is letting people in. Time heals all wounds, and thankfully mine are gone and I can breathe again. Love the life you live and love those who live it with you. God woke you up today, make Him see it was for a reason.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Surprise.

Weekly dinner with my dad and the question came up about if and when his girlfriend of almost three years is going to be moving here or if he will be moving in with her. SURPRISE. She is moving here in May, my brother and I, of course, didn't get included in this discussion but hey, at least we got a few months heads up. I am crushed. When she isn't around he ignores us and we are happy living our lives without him. But when she does grace us with her presence, our dad puts on a perfect father act and uses my brother and me to help him achieve his goal of looking like an involved father in his kids’ lives.

The one thing I want the most is him to be a dad for me, hell I've begged for years and years and it breaks my heart that I only get a taste of it when she is around, he doesn't actually give a fuck, just pretends to when its convenient for him.

“Let’s make those brownie cupcakes we always make” “Dad, you have never once made them with me.”

[anonymousanduncensored]

Set your expectations as low as possible and you’ll never get hurt.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Welcome Home.

The first semester of college is in the books. Until tonight I hadn't spoken to my father since Thanksgiving, or gotten a text from him in an over a week. No words of encouragement for finals. Not a word. I didn’t think about him and was happy. But I’m home now and tonight it all went to shit. 

Having been home for a day I was sad that I hadn't heard from him, and considering since his girlfriend in is town he always uses me to make himself appear to be a good father I figured I would have. So I reached out to him (mistake #1) and asked to come over to hang out for a bit, I even brought over my half finished bottle of wine to help take my edge off. We played a card game and his girlfriend (still oblivious to the fact that her boyfriend is a dirty scum bag) was as passive aggressive as always. But that’s not why I’m upset. I had to reach out to my dad to get his attention, or who knows how long it would have been until I heard from him. After the game, I went upstairs and stood in my very empty room. I felt just as empty. This isn't my home. I didn't want to be there. I came in hopes of my dad showing me a hint of love or some sort of indicator that he cared about his oldest child and only daughter, but there was nothing. As he drove me home we said nothing, which made me even more upset since it really showed he had no clue about me or my life. He doesn't know me anymore. He doesn't care to know me either, which breaks my heart. Once again, I’m let down and not even surprised at this point. He will never be the father I need or man enough to care. I hope he gets whats coming to him.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Craigslist.

My brother and I were on vacation with our father in Hawaii and for the entirety of the trip he was constantly on his phone and was very secretive about his activity. He was down in the lagoon snorkeling and had left his phone in the room. My brother being the great sleuth that he is was able to figure our the passcode and boom, we were in. First, we went into the pictures because we are basic and we thought the best secrets would be kept there. All we found was his girlfriend's nudes that looked like they were taken with a fucking toaster. We went through some texts but didn’t find much, until we opened Safari. I was expecting to see basic googles but no. In the first tab, we saw he was looking at ads for threesomes back home. We were shocked and I called my mother right away to tell her that her business partner and ex-husband was a scumbag who fucks people from the internet. But we needed to prove this wasn’t an isolated incident so we kept quiet and waited until we were home. When we finally did, fuck. Hs laptop was full off passwords that were no match for my brother. We found his craigslist profile and the email he used to talk with potential fuck buddies. I never wanted to read that much about my father’s cock, especially when he was the one who wrote is. Barf. My mom had to confront him and he admitted to that and much more, like hooking up with  a couple from a town an hour away.

But he had a girlfriend? This poor woman was across the country and had (has) no idea how dirty her rich doctor boyfriend was (is). When he gave us the big talk about it (which my genius ass recorded) he denied the sex and claimed he and his girl just made it official, even though they just celebrated their one year over that very vacation. My father is a liar and seems to have forgotten that I know all of this information and could ruin his career with it. Should be nicer to me huh?

Conspiracy Theory time!!!

We think he is gay and uses the presence of a girl to make his feelings towards men not so risqué because there is a female partaking in the activity as well.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Big Day Today.

Flashback to my brother's childhood when he would get asked if he was gay all the time and teased and bullied about it. Flashback to a few days ago when some boy had a crush on him and asked what his sexuality was. Flashback to this afternoon when my mother asked if my brother had said anything regarding the matter to me, to which I replied no since he hadn't made a big deal out of it. Flashback to about an hour ago when my little brother called me on FaceTime. I asked him about it and after talking for awhile, he came out to me and told me he was bisexual. I cried. Not because I was sad or disappointed, but because he came to me. He trusted me. He has accepted who he is and can finally be himself. He can finally be happy and comfortable in his own skin. I am so incredibly proud of him. I am coming home from school this weekend to be there by his side when he comes out to my mother. So proud. So so proud.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Something A Little Different

I made this page to have a place to vent about my dad. But writing a few entries last night made me miss writing just for myself. So I figured why not put off writing my papers and studying for finals when I want to let you know who I am.

First off, college freshman just finishing her first semester. Political science major for now and hope to add journalism in the spring. I am a member of a sorority here on campus and have met the most amazing women imaginable. Just living my life and experiencing freedom for the first time, I love it but also miss my adorable little puppy from home, and my family obviously.

Second off, I’ve been super occupied with boys and my ex-stalking me. We broke up about two months ago when he would get mad at me for being upset with him, a true manipulator. I got away from him as soon as I realized what was happening and I am in a really good place as of now.

Finally, I just want to say thank you for being my place to vent free of judgment.Thank you for listening. xoxo.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Background.

"First off, growing up he would verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abuse me. My brother didn't get half the shit I did. He would yell at me all the time and put this pressure on me to be perfect like he thinks he is. He started drinking heavily when I was in middle school. Every family dinner turned into a huge fight over something so insignificant and ended with me bawling and him just screaming at me. He gets aggressive and angry when he drinks. The fighting got bad and everything I did was to try and impress him. To prove to him that I was the top of my class and that I could be what he wanted me to be. But in his mind, he is perfect. He is self-centered and unbelievably selfish. I realized I would never be good enough for him. He'd come at me and I started to fight back which lead to there being a fight almost every day. My parent's marriage was falling apart because not only was he an absent father but also a terrible husband. We were in Chicago for the weekend and my mom told him she wanted a divorce after we had gotten back to the hotel from dinner where there was yet another fight. He blames me for the divorce. After he moved out, everything was so great until I had to see him. He would be cold and neglect us when we were at his house. He doesn't care about us, only himself. Three years later and he still isn't the dad I need. He is still selfish and clueless to the fact that he lost his daughter. Last year was bad. I went months without seeing or talking to him and he didn't care, which made me even more upset because I just wanted him to give a fuck about me. But he never will. It's always about him. and is losing his son too. Things are pretty much stuck at that now. He does whatever he wants without a care in the world for his kids. I don't fight him anymore because it's not worth my energy. I think I covered everything. I've blocked a lot of it out."

#dad #daddyissues #hurt

[anonymousanduncensored]

Let down.

I recently got initiated into a sorority here on campus. After the ceremony, we all headed downstairs and had gifts from our bigs and parents waiting for us. I didn’t even notice something was missing until my mother brought it up later that night. She had received all the information of when and where to send a gift for me and had passed it on to my dad who was expected to do something for his oldest child on a big day in her life. But he didn’t. The next weekend he was driving me back and in the fakest voice he asked when I got initiated was. I said it was a few days prior and he says “Oh no I was going to send something, I was told it was next week (mind you the next week was thanksgiving break and I’d be home)”. I responded with no and he had the nerve to say “Oh well that’s not fair.” That’s not fair. To him. Always about him. What about the daughter he let down? Isn’t it unfair to me to be hoping that one day he will love me and show it? Yet he feels like he was wronged. When he lied to me. He hurt me.

If something is important to you, forgetting doesn’t happen.

#dad #sorority #hurt

[anonymousanduncensored]

Hello Again

Well, it’s been a few more years of neglect and scandal (super juicy I promise). So here’s a little update on my brother and I before we get to my father. My brother is now a sophomore in high school. He is the funniest kid I’ve ever met and on top of his heart of gold, is tough as hell and smarter than shit. He recovered from self-harm and turned to acting and swimming to keep him busy. He is still very forgiving of our father and hopeful that things will get better. Bless his heart. I am finishing up my first semester of college. I call my brother and mother almost every day and have made friends who have become my rock in such a short period of time. As of now, I am a poli sci major with the hopes of going to law school and getting into politics. And my Father. We hardly speak. I use him for rides to and from school and empty his wallet whenever I get the chance, which is my little form of revenge for how I’ve hurt. I recently got out of a relationship with a manipulative man. I was being trained to hide my feelings and do whatever possible to keep him happy at whatever cost to me. And the fucked up part is that I thought it was completely normal. I never saw love growing up so when someone said those words, I believed it even though they were nothing more than that. Words. My lack of a father and the lack of love for him to not only me but every family member has made me believe in this empty form of “love”. Things are better now that I don’t see him, but once in a while something will happen and I’m right back where I was years and years ago, a broken little girl who just wants her father to be a father.

[anonymousanduncensored]

Little Messed Up

Father sent  an accidental text to my brother reading “How was your day?” followed by “Oops, meant for my girlfriend.” What a guy. 

You would think we would hear from him more than twice a week or spend more than two hours a week with him since he lives five minutes away but naw.