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amiiplz · 1 year

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I Have Commitment Issues

(Nov, 28, 2022) Visual Journal

I don’t know where my commitment issues come from, but I have a hard time investing anything into myself. Whether that’s education, money, taking care of myself, etc;

My thought process:

- “I don’t even know if I would wear this a year from now”

- “I don’t buy anything as a need but as a want so it’s not worth to spend the money because you change your mind all the time”

- “I end up finding better stuff later”

- “It’ll be cheaper in the future”

- I don’t want to create deep relationships with people, I don’t know if it’s because I feel like my time isn’t going to last long or because I’m mentally tired of dealing with people

- I don’t want to go through the struggle of meeting friends because it hurts if they leave I guess? But I can’t tell tbh. Do I even care? If you do why do you care?

- I feel like everything in my life is very temporary and that I shouldn’t be attached too strongly to everything because for some reason I’ve noticed a pattern of things leaving or it’s me that leaves

- Money is very scarce

- It’s too much heart ache to get rejected

- I’m a good coworker because there’s specific work dialogue that I can pick and choose. It feels like NPC dialogue.

- “Someone will make a better model eventually”

- “You move all the time, you need to keep your things to a minimal”

- “I can’t make up my mind and give up easily so it would be a waste of money to go to college or invest in something I’ve always wanted to do.”

- I don’t like to talk about myself at all because I don’t want to have a close bond with people.

- “Since when did you need to consume so much food? You don’t have a lot of money why do you think you can afford to eat as you please?”

- “I don’t own a lot of things. If I needed to I could fit everything I own into my car and move around as I please.”

- It’s easier to spend money on other people in my life

I don’t want to hurt anyone too significantly if I were to leave

I don’t deserve to have good things

Even if I did have good things I’ve noticed I have a tendency to ruin it

When I have my emotional breakdowns I tend to throw everything or break everything I own and have regrets later but I can’t stop the pattern because in the moment I feel like ending it all

I don’t spend my money like crazy, I don’t treat myself, I work the majority of my life.

I work so much and I’m so used to it that I don’t know what to do in my free time.

I care but I don’t because I don’t even think I’m gonna be here for long.

How can I invest in anything when I can’t trust myself to keep those commitments in my life

I break good habits like it’s nothing

I’m not asking for advice either. I know the healing process of what I need to do to “fix” this but would that even do any good? I don’t care about my well-being and I don’t really care what happens to me tbh.

I get anxiety attacks trying to go grocery shopping. I don’t want people to pay for me because I don’t want to owe anybody anything.

Looking at my bank account makes me have a life crisis.

I don’t even care about money.

This isn’t about minimalist lifestyle or being non materialistic, I don’t need a lot to feel content or comfortable but I struggle to even get that in my life.

I feel like within a blink of an eye everything and everyone will be gone or I will abandon everything within a random single breakdown

The possibility of ruining all of my relationships becomes more realistic the older I get.

I don’t believe I will become anyone or be anyone for myself.

I won’t become the person I aspire to be in the future. Idk if I’m content with that or fucking scared.

I hate paying for rent. I hate paying for cars. I hate that I have to pay just for my basic human survival. It’s not even worth the bare minimal.

I haven’t had a place in my own for almost a year. Next week I’m moving in to a $1,500 rental with a roommate…

Can you believe? $1,500 just for a room in a house that I’m sharing with?

Since when did shelter become so expensive? When was rental units and real estate a financial power move.

You have people making money off of lower class people without being bothered by it?

I don’t want to be alive in this world. I can’t afford it. I can’t be my authentic version of myself. I have so much trauma I didn’t even ask for. I didn’t ask for anything. I didn’t want to have to deal with this. It’s too much for one person to bear

If I can’t even afford the basic minimal survival check list how can I bother thinking about dreams?

I was not properly equipped to live in this world. To say I’m a hopeful person is very far off.

I’m not smart, nor am I good at anything, I’m not rich or incredibly good looking.

I’m average all around.

How does an average person get by in a world that doesn’t care about average people.

I’m so incredibly tired and done with it all. I feel like I could survive a zombie apocalypse better than whatever this shit is.

I want the world to burn in fire

Anyways I hope anyone out there is having a better time than I am

#visualjournal #visual diary #ooftd #how to cope #anxious af #commitment issues #mental health journal

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amiiplz · 1 year

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Dear Jeanne d’Arc

It hurts my heart to know that you were taken away from the world in such a way. I don’t have the words to describe the pains and betrayal you must have went through. I wish there was at least a place I could’ve visit to lay down my letters like you did but with swords in battle. You were too good for this world. The sights and being of a true leader. Illiterate but instills deep love and admirations to your religious teachings. An inspiration to the young girls, mothers, caregivers, students, children and the broken hearts that yearn more from life.

Instead, Jealousy. Corruption.

Men.

Perceived you as a threat to their materialistic morbid values. And cut your life short at 19... and for what? Because you wore clothes suitable for only human beings perceived as masculine? Whatever that means, I think you were just as handsome with a beautiful complexion. You knew how to carry yourself and I was here for it.

The knowledge, personal comfort, love, devotion to the religion that gave you hope as a peasant at 13. Charged for Hersey? (which means a theological doctrine or system rejected as false by ecclesiastical authority)

BURNED at the stake for witch craft? Leading the French army and saving the city of Orleans sounds like an evil being associated with witches, the origins of witches are really misunderstood, absolutely makes sense to cut your life short because of these idiotic and corrupted charges.

As someone who identifies as a woman and have been through struggles in modern life trying to make it for myself.

I’m so sorry Jeanne.

My tears dedicate to you on May 30th. In a way modern times isn’t so far apart from 1431. I write to you hoping you can see this. I know I’m a couple hundred years late but thank you for being your authentic self to the end. Thank you for not letting them change you. Thank you for inspiring me to never hold myself back because I am a woman. Thank you for reminding me to be brave during hard times and that I am strong enough to get through it by believing in myself and associating hope with me.

You were the symbol of hope to the people of France.

I am the symbol of hope and independence to myself.

Thank you Jeanne d’Arc, you didn't deserve this. Without knowing teaching little girls to become their own version of warriors while also saving a country.... there’s an elegance to that.

#joan of arc #woman #femininity #womanempowerment #metoo movement #inspiration #historical figures #women in history #lgbtq representation #lgbtq positivity #female representation #jeanne d'arc

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