akin-ii

[akin-ii]

for clarity 000 i am undergoing permanent change 0 my body shifting aging becoming something else. decaying and falling apart. becoming ugly and again beautiful and ugly. changing. my body will be a vessel for another living body. it will change permanently because of this. i will be okay with that. my mother doesn't understand that my cousin is dying and that it's serious ; he is sick with how we all were. cannot understand that it's serious and we could have done something 0 maybe. my cousins are also far away and i miss them. we could be any kind of way. we could be healthy or unwell. i could be dying too but i'm not 000 000 i'm holy and protecting myself and trying to love and protect and love. there's no reason for me to hold hands with my cousins in spirit except that we were children together and that could mean a lot. far away. :: my body is going to change permanently. i am already changing it permanently, becoming twin-close with permanence and body. i want lovingly to let everyone know who i am and how i am. and then no one will fear me as an unknown. i will be predictable and reliable and use kindness and slowness and give gifts. come and find me 0 and let me find you. look closely at how i change and we will all change. i am aging. one day i will be in the earth and become you. the pain of my beginning is over ; but my beginnings are not over and neither is my pain.

[akin-ii]

the internet is garbage. this website is shit. its design is fucked. i can't look at anything. why do people always need to be improving things that arent broken? it was a perfectly good website. im appalled and exhausted.

[akin-ii]

14/10/22

1. i think the position you’ve taken is unfair; you’re assuming that i’m unaffected or somehow less affected than you are.

2. youre also presupposing that to be affected is a problem. part of intimacy is expectation. i see how previous relationships have taught you that interacting with a couple is isolatory & degrading, but i want you to know it hurts to feel you characterize my interest in you that way.

3. the fact that i am not supposed to share how i feel because it sparks care in you seems cruel to us both.

4. i think separation may intensify my want instead of dissipating it

[akin-ii]

13/10/22

1. i think the position you’ve taken is unfair; your feelings are taking precedent over mine. you’re presupposing that i’m unaffected or somehow less affected than you are.

2. youre presupposing that to be affected is a problem. part of intimacy is expectation. i see how previous relationships have taught you that interacting with a couple is isolatory & degrading, but it hurts to have my interest in you characterized as such.

3. the fact that i am not supposed to share how i feel, because it sparks care in you, seems cruel to us both. if you reflexively equate care with romance, depriving yourself of an opportunity to experience non-romantic care seems foolish.

4. the excitement of « the honeymoon phase » fades; i think we should give ourselves over to it and witness it passing through us. you will bore of interacting with me intimately; the yearning of it will mellow out. the same will happen to my want for you.

5. i am not sending this message until morning and even may b not then

[akin-ii]

13/10/22

i didnt think you or i’d be sad about this. i thought we’d maybe both gently lose interest after fucking for a while, & settle into a closer friendship. i am sad.

[akin-ii]

28/06/2022 - when i am not writing, i am rotting. long spans of silence fill my mind. cotton wads, rasping apart for clammy fingers, days lost to thinking. to swimming. welcome me back: i am returning to learn and to reply. 

uncomfortably i do not remember the sound of my written voice. the value of what i can record. i do not want travel journals, or slick image-poetry. i am uneasy, leaning toward something, thinking about my worth as a person. there must be something i can teach. there must be something i can do besides looking.

[akin-ii]

13/03/2022 - 

only when many trees have grown and died

does the ground become soft

carpet of carbon ash, valley of dark earth

gathering on bedrock

black lake, saturated with metals

heavy water

[akin-ii]

25/20/2021 - i want what i want.

thinking about: claude cahun, bob dylan (don’t think twice), dancing to exude energy or tension, meeting people 1 on 1, creating moving images & clothing items

[akin-ii]

11/10/2021 - 

facts: 1: perception is malleable, 2: words you hear are not necessarily the words being spoken, 3: even if you hear them correctly, you are not necessarily interpreting them correctly. this is the space between people, an irreducible distance separating all beings at all times regardless of their best efforts to communicate, a space which must be accepted and bridged through faith lest all interaction become impossible.

[akin-ii]

10/08/2021 -

hot sun fever and cool winds, half-lucid hours gazing from car window, smells of wheat and of bétail. tile floors, dusty barn, sour fruit and bread, only carbonated water. chocolate melted in its plastic wrapper, sugary airtight thick

#poem #poetry #travel #eastern europe #prose #journal

[akin-ii]

09/08/2021 - skateboarding early is good. this is my park, welcome

#journal

[akin-ii]

01/08/2021, 22h30 - 

grandpa’s 90th birthday, parents' 30th anniversary, aunt n uncle’s anniversary too, cousin's 5th anniversary. 

we bought two bottles of vodka, 8 of wine, 5 of egg liquor (thick yolk-yellow sweet drink)

and no one fucking drank anything, except one segment of family had some vodka and sang loud (it was lovely to listen; robust farm person singing with full lungs and joy and ordering people to kiss each other) 

but it was good

#prose #journal

[akin-ii]

01/08/2021 - i dreamed of hiding in a closet; me barely hidden behind a wooden slat squeezing myself tight into this space someone coming to look for me. outside a wide hallway of sandstone and tile and wood, soft light, shuttered windows. an airship in a watery future. hiding; we had a job and werent allowed to be lesbians but we were in love and secretly trying to date. creeping thru narrow doorways and hatches, kissing holding hands, other people in the dining hall

#journal #dream journal

[akin-ii]

30/07/2021, 21h00 - distant singing, godspeed you black emperor playing somewhere in the town, loud enough to be heard across the town. seeping into silent house, through open windows and foggy night

#journal

[akin-ii]

30/07/2021, 14h00 - must be first attached to creation; i make time. i quietly check for visitors. my little broad hands creak and groan oak, tree

in the night tires squeal in the distance, echoing shrieks and whistles over field wide low hills almost imperceptible

#journal

[akin-ii]

30/07/2021 - from a letter sent thru instagram

my travels are full of earth-smells. the sun is heavy & the grass bends under its weight. the forests carry it easily and in their shade there is a cool damp wind, but on the roads there is dust. doves coo, loud smooth-soft gurgle, all day long from a nearby pine tree. my grandmother sighs and waves her hands often, she smiles with her full face, my grandfather tells long jokes, the garden is brimming w fruit.

the other day we visited my aunt & uncle's yard, also full of fruit; they have a green-painted wood trailer in it. in the side of it, a nest of szerszeń wasps recently appeared, and they flew around us, ominously huge, burgundy and yellow, as we ate soft cold cake on paper plates

my godson decided i am a good play mate. i feel connected w him in a way i did not hope for; children are not easy to befriend, but he trusts me, and i care about him

my other aunt has a long yard filled with short-growing trees, stiff blackberry vines in a tall wooden lattice. cigarette smells, clean sheets, nervous tapping of a foot, house well-prepared for guests, all things on time. town of hot brick and willow trees among tall hills piled with boulders and streams

today i rode a horse and it felt like a mistake. the animal,short-legged thick-necked mouse-grey, did not like me at all

i did not get to sit with or clean him, before or after the ride

#journal #prose #travel poetry #travel prose #prose journal

[akin-ii]

28/12/2020 - 9/11 and shock of something falling apart, valuable of itself