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ID 1: (triangle warning sign) Public safety message

"Do not approach the male. Please call nine one one."

ID 2: (triangle warning sign) Public safety message

"Please disregard the previous message. Accident"

ID 3: A facebook post from Missouri State Highway Patrol which reads

This was meant to be a test message, (caps) there was no alert (end caps). There is a screenshot of an Emergency Alert

"(caps) gotham city mo purple/green 1978 doge 3700gt mo ukidme (end caps) http://www.bit.ly/MoAlerts"

End ID

some emergency alert operator just gave me a three minute taste of being an indie horror game protagonist jesus fuckin christ

#humor #facebook

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ID: A screenshot of a Tweet by clay [person skiing emoji] @ hanfjob with text reading: "letting my girlfriend out to run around in the yard" reblogged by count cuntula @ tenderfates with text reading: "i dont like it when men tweet shit like this"

The reblog is replied to by Owen @ thighinspect0r with text reading: "someone didn't get let out today"

Which is replied to by count cuntula @ tenderfates with text reading: "you will wake up in a saw trap tomorrow"

End ID.

#twitter #humor

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I am a violin maker learning to tattoo so here is a banana with the decoration from the Hellier Strad violin

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ID: A reblog by @finnstansonly with tags reading: "we could fix this by just not having every godforsaken wlw art be swirling perhaps draw.....[caps] Two [caps end] black women. [caps] Together. [caps end] crazy idea I know"

End ID.

i HATE art where the black woman is taking the lead/doing the work in an interracial wlw relationship. idgaf if shes the stoniest butch alive she should NOT be catering to that lily white woman‼️

#antiblackness #misogynoir

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ID: A screenshot from Reddit with a comment by ShrimpShackShooters_ reading: "I hate reading the theories and opinions of other fans."

This post is replied to by nicolesBBrevenge with text reading: "Isn't that kind of the point here?"

ShrimpShackShooters_ replied to that with text reading: "Yeah I hate it here"

End ID.

#Reddit #Humor

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i like when you delete a tumblr post and it says This post went to heaven. that is not where my post went

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yeah it’s gone now, sorry about that

#art

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ID: social media post thread by Milo Murph @/disastermagnet, posted 27/10/2020. Reads in its entirety: My toaster caught on fire yesterday and when i realized it there was a flame like two feet high almost touching my cabinets so i panicked and picked it up so it wouldn't catch my cabinets on fire but then i was just standing in my kitchen holding a flaming toaster and my dad saw me and didn't say anything and i didn't know what to do so I ran outside with it and and threw it at the ground but it was on fire so i picked it up and threw it again and again until it went out but then my grass was on fire so i beat it with a shovel until that went out too. Then I came back inside and my dad was just like "Watcha cookin Milo" /End ID

#humor

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[Image description: A Newsweek article titled "Toxic Hand Sanitizer Recalled Over Warnings It Could Cause Comas, Blindness". The article was published on April 08, 2024 at 5:37 AM EDT and updated on the same day at 8:48 AM EDT. There's a paused video of someone pumping hand sanitizer captioned with the text, "A hand sanitizer and a pain-relieving aloe gel have both been hit with a nationwide recall after officials discovered they contained". The article reads as follows: A hand sanitizer and a pain-relieving aloe gel have both been hit with a nationwide recall after officials discovered they contained a toxic chemical that could cause comas, seizures, blindness, or death. The two products, Aruba Aloe Hand Sanitizer Gel Alcohol 80% and Aruba Aloe Alcoholada Gel, were found to contain methanol, which is toxic to the skin and poisonous if ingested. The gels were made by Aruba Aloe Balm N.V., a Netherlands based company that has locations in Aruba where its aloe is harvested, which confirmed the products had been on sale for almost three years before the discovery. The recall was issued on Friday in conjunction with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). ID: There is a picture of the two products. End ID. Methanol, a chemical compound sometimes known as "wood alcohol," is more commonly found in antifreeze, varnishes, plastics, and paints, and is even used as engine fuel to power ships and buses, according to the Methanol Institute, the global trade association for the industry. It is "extremely poisonous," and ingesting as little as 30 milliliters could kill a child while just 2 ounces could be deadly for an adult, according to a prognosis information document published online by the Mount Sinai Health System, which runs a medical school and eight hospitals across New York. Urgent medical intervention is necessary to try to prevent death, and the sufferer may have their stomach pumped and dialysis to clean out their kidneys during treatment. End image description.]

Check your hand sanitizer y'all

#news

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ID: A screenshot of an ask from anonymous with text reading: "One time in high school a girl pulled me into the bathroom and showed me her boobs, and I had never had a girl do that before and I was struck completely speechless just staring, and she got mad and pushed me out of the bathroom and hit me in the face"

End ID.

sometimes being a lesbian is like. one day when youre a little kid you hear a pretty girl laugh and its the most beautiful thing youve ever heard and you decide you want to hear it as often as possible for the rest of your life

and sometimes its like. you see some boobs and go completely braindead for the next 2 to 3 minutes

#lesbian #gay #humor

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D: An r/wallstreetbets post titled "Is it inside trading if I bought Boeing puts while I am inside the wrecked airplane?"

The post reads: "Purley hypothetical of cause: Imagine sitting in an airplane when suddenly the fucking door blows out. Now, while everyone is screaming and grasping for air, you instead turn on your noise-canceling head-phones to ignore that crying baby next to you, cal..."

The rest of the post is cut off. It has 14.6k upvotes, 886 comments, and 4k shares. At the time of the screenshot the post is 5 hours old. / End ID

wsb is so fucking funny actually

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ID 1: a photo of a kitten leaning in close to the face of a sleeping baby

ID 2: a google translation of the phrase "Вставай, скоро молоко раздавать будут!…" from Russian to English which reads "Arise, soon milk will be distrubuted! …" End ID

The above reblog includes a cat kaomoji

Вставай, скоро молоко раздавать будут!…

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ID 1: a discord message written in greentext format from a user whose name is cropped out. The message says: ive had an experience but i can only convey it in greentext format

be me 19 has worked in fast food since the age of 14 so should know better however very stupid frying flash frozen ikea latkes for dinner repeat: the latkes are frozen only one latke fits in the pan its very small fry one latke puts next latke in its frozen youknowwhathappensnext.jpg immediately catches fire ohgodohno.jpg remember xkcd about bringing a knife to a gunfight it has a panel about putting out an oil fire with a lid grab lid put on fire successfully save kitchen from burning down immediately put next frozen latke in the hot oil it catches fire

ID 2: Discord messages from hev, which say: OH MY GODDDDD RUMI ARE YOU OKAY the greentext format makes this poetry i love it think it would do wel on tumblr

ID 3: an xkcd comic

[Text in the top-left corner of the comic:] "Should you bring _____ to ______?" [The comic is laid out like a grid, with implements down the left-hand side (A knife / A gun / Water / A lid) and the type of "fight" across the top (A knife fight / A gun fight / A wood fire / An oil fire). The grid illustrates the "match-ups", with a green square denoting a "correct" match-up and a red square denoting a Very Bad Idea.] [From the top left corner, going from left to right, top to bottom, with each first item being on its own line in the grid, the squares are as follows:] [Green square, two combatants face off against each other with knives, equally matched.]

A knife to A knife fight

[Red square, a person with a knife faces off against someone with a gun, and is clearly outmatched.]

A knife to A gun fight

[Red square, a person holds a knife in a wood fire while saying "OW OW OW".]

A knife to A wood fire

[Red square, the person with the knife scrapes at the oil inside the pan that's on fire while saying "OW OW OW". The scraping accompanied by the text "SCRAPE SCRAPE".]

A knife to An oil fire

[Green square, the person with the gun points it at the opponent with the knife, who exclaims, "Dude!"]

A gun to A knife fight

[Green square, two combatants point guns at one another, equally matched.]

A gun to A gun fight

[Red square, the person with the gun shoots pointlessly three times at the wood fire, which carries on blazing. The shooting is accompanied by the text "BLAM BLAM BLAM".]

A gun to A wood fire

[Red square, the person with the gun shoots at the flaming pan, which does nothing to put it out. The shooting is accompanied by the text "BLAM".]

A gun to An oil fire

[Red square, the person with the water throws it uselessly in the face of the person holding the knife.]

Water to A knife fight

[Red square, the person with the water throws it uselessly in the face of the person holding the gun.]

Water to A gun fight

[Green square, the person throws the water on the fire and successfully extinguishes it, which makes a "SPLOOSH" sound.]

Water to A wood fire

[Red square, the person is shown reeling back from the oil fire, the water glass going flying, as the oil fire explodes with a "FOOM".]

Water to An oil fire

[Red square, the person with the lid comically places it on the head of the person with the knife, who stands there in confusion.]

A lid to A knife fight

Red square, the person with the lid ineffectually places it on top of the gun the other person is pointing at them.

A lid to A gun fight

Red square, the person with the lid holds it near the wood fire, which does nothing to put out the fire.

A lid to A wood fire

[Green square, the person places the lid on top of the oil fire, which suffocates and extinguishes it.]

A lid to An oil fire

End ID