writetoremainsilent

[writetoremainsilent]

12/20/19 affirmations?/helping a friend out/music rant

I had a dream that confirmed something. 

I also woke up at one p.m.. This is getting shameless. 

My friend Tye had asked for some help with her dad, and I thought this would be a ten to twenty minute venture. But it actually ended up taking quite some time. That was alright, though. It was nice to be trusted and it feels nice to be of use, for once. 

Plus, Tye’s mom gave me some pretty tasty food and then we played some video games on Descartes’ setup. Thanks bud. 

I came home to some tea that my dad had cooked, and then I stood and watched my brother and him watch Legends of Tomorrow, which looks like a sub-par show. 

I’ve been up in my room listening to music, which made me realize something. 

Music Rant (this is all my opinion by the way):

Music isn’t fair. 

I have this theory for myself that I don’t find music purposeful if there’s no words. And that’s kind of true. I pride myself on being a lyric snob and pride myself further on being a Modest Mouse fan. 

But also, I really like music with ‘simple’ lyrics or no words at all. For perspective, I’ve been listening to “Wish Upon a Star,” which is a fantastic song from the incredible Ping Pong animation. And I felt my eyes well up when I read a quote from the show that played in that scene.

And it made me realize that music is overpowered in its ability to be evocative.

I think books and manga and comics have to work pretty hard to, let’s say, make somebody cry at a scene. 

But for movies and animation, they have the overwhelming factor of music at play. The quote that made me tear up was: “You love this sport more than anyone!” 

I don’t even remember the context for the scene. The quote could be completely made up, for all I know. But pairing that quote with the pensiveness of the song combines to make an emotion that I can’t really understand but I know is extremely powerful. 

If I just read that scene in a comic or book, sure, I could feel something similar if I was immersed enough. But I don’t even need the context of the scene to get that feeling immediately from the song and that one line. 

It’s kind of upsetting. Simply because of how well music can tie into visual imagery, I’d love to be able to daydream about tapping into that for story-telling. But making my own animation or directing something is next to impossible in terms of difficulty, whereas I could always draw or write something without massive production costs. I mean, sure, it’d be a lot of work, but it wouldn’t set back my life for years and years. 

Maybe the moral of the story is that I’m very lazy. And I thought this rant would be much more fully-formed than it is. This is not satisfying.  

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12/19/19 wow i sleep a lot lately

What a simple day.

I woke up at 1 p.m. 

Then I ate some food. I took a nap around six p.m. I woke up at 8.

I had plans to hang out and make some crackers with Wally and Tye, so we did that around 10 p.m. I did my self-destructive tendency thing where I protested our hangouts for some reason. I swear I’m bipolar but on a daily basis--which is to say, I am not bipolar. Somehow, I cannot rationalize why I do these things, but boy do I do them. 

The crackers were a bust, by the way. We couldn’t figure out how to make caramel. I kept burning it. 

Shortly after that, I came home and slept. And for someone who slept around 14 hours that day, sleep came embarrassingly easily. 

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12/17/19-12/18/19 fun times with doug

Wally and I visited him at his workplace, which is in a big city a few miles north of where I live. Wally was kind enough to drive, which I will get into later. 

Touring the place was pretty neat. It’s scary seeing people I’ve known worry about ‘band rehearsals’ or whatever being so coolly competent in the work place. But that’s just what happens when time passes. 

His company was honestly crazy cool. And there were people there who were playing Melee. Naturally, Wally joined in. And it made me realize that I don’t dislike the idea of playing it as much as I thought I did. It’s a really beautiful game.

After that, we had some pho at a pretty good pho place, which amazingly enough had a vegan option. Felt great.

We went to Doug’s place after purchase of some beverages. I hand’t tried soju before this, and it was a pleasant surprise. 

The plan was to imbibe and chill out. We watched each other play League of Legends and then we went on to playing Melee. Which confirmed that I do like the game. I’m just being petulant.

But around 3 a.m., Wally realized that he wasn’t in a state to drive. So we just slept over awkwardly. 

And driving home the next day was a nightmare. Wally had it rough. But now I am here, snuggled cozily back home. 

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12/2/19-12/16/19 darn it

So, fun fact. I’m gonna be a dentist. 

I am lucky enough to have options as to how I want my dental education to be, which is great. I’m very fortunate. I’ll make my decision by the end of the month, for sure.

I finished the Inheritance Cycle. Pretty enjoyable, I won’t lie. It’s nice to indulge oneself in childhood biases and willful ignorance. And the characters are lovable, more or less, and it has some pretty powerful characterizations, more or less. 

A lot more League of Legends has been played. I have little more to do. 

I also have been sleeping quite a bit more lately, on average about ten hours a night, now that classes have ended. Speaking of which, I’m glad they’ve ended. They really got tiring towards the end of the year. 

With so little to do, you’d think I could update this better. We shall see. 

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11/28/19-12/1/19 a strange sadness as dusk falls

The weather is bleak. I feel like staying in bed all day.

Which again makes me wonder why schools choose to have their finals at this time. 

I just wanted to get this post out there because tomorrow determines the rest of my life, no big deal. I feel spooked, like, really spooked. I know I should be grateful to go wherever I get in, but it’d be very nice to be close to home. Especially with my dog getting pretty sick in the past week, it just reminds me that I couldn’t bear to be away if something were to happen.

Unrelatedly, Hana had a bunch of friends over to her apartment in a nearby city, and that was pretty fun. Lays BBQ chips are amazing. Doug is pretty funny when he’s wasted. 

This entire season after daylight savings has felt like this kind of eternal dusk that hangs over everyone. I used to love this weather because it meant I could bundle up at home, but home is kind of meaningless now. Not as fun to bundle up in, that’s for sure.

I finished Eragon and moved on to Eldest. I really liked Eragon, even though I can concede (very easily) that the book is not a great one. It’s just so much fun to be in the world he’s painted.

Eldest is kind of rubbing me the wrong way because he writes Arya very poorly and elves in general are disgustingly overpowered and almost caricatures of aspects of Asian culture. I like the dwarves a lot, though. 

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11/27/19 a weird prelude to thanksgiving

My dog’s been sick. Scaring the souls out of my family. She seems to be getting better.

Class is...class. I can’t wait to be done. 

I went to get New York Pizza with Allen and Wally, which was pretty delicious. I gotta clean the house for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 

Allen, Wally, and I also managed to finally finish A Way Out. It’s got a pretty compelling ending, to say the least. 

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11/9/19-11/26/19 i guess a minor update

Not much in the way of things.

I guess I don’t feel as happy as normal. Routine can be soul-sucking. 

No new interviews either, which kinda sucks.

It’s basically just been classes. 

I hear back from dental schools on 12/2, so that’s kind of where my anxiety is lying. 

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10/29/19-11/9/19 yeah i’m sorry i’m just not interested

Big important things. 

Interview with one of my dream dental schools on 11/1. 

I wanted to try and finish a story by Halloween. It didn’t happen. I’m still writing it 

Tye’s birthday. Happy birthday! We vlogged the whole thing because that’s the new-fangled stuff. Made it fun and memorable. 

I’m sorry. I can feel my interest in updating my day-to-day life slipping away. 

At this point, I don’t know if I find it worth it to post every day.

So don’t be surprised if the posts continue to dwindle, or even simply stop. I know that this is a worthwhile endeavor, but I don’t know if it’s my worthwhile endeavor. 

What a bummer. Happy 400 posts. 

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10/28/19 era of bad feelings

Class, little else.

I felt real crummy today for a variety of reasons. 

I woke up with a bad headache, to start with it.  It persisted. 

Lately, I’ve been going to the gym with Jet, and that continued today. My drive there felt so lonely and crappy that I had to wonder what anything meant. Pretty edgy stuff.

I realized that I missed a book sale at the library by a day. That honestly might be the biggest reason why today sucked. I love buying books. Hana mentioned wanting a library, and I shamelessly copied her in wanting a huge collection of great American literature. I also love having multiple copies of a book I love, particularly when they have different covers. I think I have 3 copies of The Catcher in the Rye. 

Again, as usual, I felt real down in the dumps after playing League with Doug, Wally, and Nic. It gets to me on this existential level that whatever I do does not matter. I won’t be missed. I am a part of things because my friends who will be missed ask me to join. 

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10/22/19-10/27/19 i’m sorry if you’ve heard this before

I’m redundant. 

I have genuinely no thing to tell you. I had two midterms this week, and studied intensely for those. Then I morphed into a ball of utter uselessness. 

Here’s something interesting. I can’t bear to look at anything drawn, because it makes me feel the need to draw, and then I remember all over again that I’m worthless at art.

Here’s something interesting. I can’t bear playing video games because I’m too fragile to admit I suck and too lazy and stubborn to want to put in the practice to do better.

Here’s something interesting. I can’t do anything. I want to do so much, and then I lose all willpower and the thing I take up just drains me. My own incompetence is a negative feedback loop where I just can’t fathom the idea of practicing to get better at something. 

I’m either able to do it or I am not. 

I can’t read a book without my heart getting broken over the fact that I will never write one.

I can’t watch an anime or read a comic without my heart shattering over the fact that I will never be able to do anything remotely as competent as that. 

I’m just sad. There’s nothing that I can offer to the world. What good is doing anything then? 

This might just be my own delusions of grandeur, or some part of how I was raised urging me that I am special and should see that special-ness of mine reflected in the world around me. But it hurts to even try to imagine settling for being the worthless wad I am. Especially when my friends around me are so good at the things they love. 

It sucks. This sucks. I don’t know why I even try. Or, I guess, I know why I don’t even try.

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10/19-10/21/19 mild slipup

10/19: Woke up and went to lunch with paternal family. Went home for a bit to do interview prep, then went to the gym. Came back and went to paternal grandparents’ house. Came home and played League. I wish I could stop.

10/20: Woke up and my grandparents were here. We went to lunch at Italian food. Dad left town. I mildly studied, and then got dinner with Doug, Tye, and Wally. 

Mild existential crisis at Starbucks. Felt utterly alone, and indescribably sad. Not sure what that was about. 

10/21: Class, and then went to go study. Worked out after. Came home, played some League. I wish I could stop.

I wrote a poem/song (ha-ha) called Michaelangelo. Since I’m a loser, I’ll just post it here. I don’t really foray into this stuff often so it reads kinda corny.

My hands were itching, hungry and starved

To seek out stones and render them carved

My hammer and chisel trembled in hand

I ventured outward to scour the land

You sprung from the earth, shivering and white,

Stone that would yield to unwavering might

I must now carve myself right into you

My visions, my hopes, all now can come true

(You know that I love you, right?

You know that I’ll hold you, tight

It seems to hurt you when I chisel,

But how the hell else am I s’posed to sculpt?)

I hammer with glee, I���m Michaelangelo

You’re David, love, I’ll never let you go

I go by feel, might mess up here and there

But my passion, and care, makes me utterly prepared

To shape and guide your lovely marble form

What use would my dreams be, if you were never born

You’re David, love, the new standard of beauty 

I wouldn’t cut so hard if I knew not what you could be

(You know I still love you, right?

You’re my reason for living, you swine

I don’t want to hurt you, I’m just giving you shape

You’d be so beautiful, you’d be loved, you’d be great)

 Well, it seems that you’ve crumbled, falling away

Broken by my hammer, you’re humbled and gray

It’s too bad, I knew you were to be divine

But what good is a sculpture if it never stops crying

I admit I might have chiseled too hard

I might’ve swung my hammer with little regard

But you owed me, you know, for giving you form 

With or without me, you’re just cold shapeless stone

(You know that I loved you, right?

You were so pretty, hopeful and white

It’s time to go outward, and find a new stone

Maybe one that’ll make me Michaelangelo)

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10/18/19 man whatta buncha ‘movie title’

I woke up today and got lunch. It was kind of a late start. 

I got home and the house got cleaned and then I took a nap. 

I woke up to a new interview invite and also my dad making chai, which I haven’t had in forever and it felt good to imbibe. 

Later on, I went on a big Pearl Jam/grunge in general dive, which was pretty fun. I wish I had the energy to seek out music more. 

I went to watch Joker with Doug, Nic, and Wally. Normally this group isn’t a staple, but due to us all playing League, it’s become more or less a group. 

Also, make me stop playing League please. 

Joker was...aggressively mediocre. I feel like deep dives into system failure-type characters have already been done with movies like Taxi Driver and King of Comedy, and the fact that it was supposed to be fit into the character of Joker just didn’t jive well with me. I thought what message was supposed to be shown was pretty forced and didn’t mesh. 

Joaquin was crazy good though. 

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10/17/19 butt kicked

I had a midterm today in Anatomy.

But I woke up and went to the gym, for some reason.

I then failed to start studying until noon. 

Then, I struggled to cram at Starbucks.

Then I didn’t do so hot on the test. 

Oops. 

After doing the ‘love language’ test, I can now say that my love language is ‘gifts.’ So I clearly don’t love myself, because otherwise I would’ve studied and given myself the gift of knowledge instead of figuring out my stupid love language. 

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10/16/19 i have no will and i must study

I had class today. Very half-baked. 

I woke up super late because I’ve been playing League of Legends again like an idiot and staying up very late. I’m getting what I deserve, but it doesn’t seem to be deterring me. Rgh. 

I got home and left to study with Tye and her sister for a while. It was mildly productive. You know the memes about 20 minutes of studying and 2 hours of Netflix? That’s basically what I did when I got home. I musta studied about 2 hours, and I must’ve played about 4 hours of League. Not a good look. 

I also started rereading vOceanic’s League of Legends fanfics, ‘cuz...why not? I’m getting back into fanfiction in general, I think. There’s some good stuff. This one author named DK (amazing how he got that name) writes pretty terrifying Final Fantasy 8 fanfics. 

To be honest, I’m reading more because I want to be writing more. I think it’s actually really fun. When it goes well. Which it doesn’t, usually, but hopefully some day it will. 

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10/15/19 the accompanying story 3

This one is called Ersatz. I don’t feel super confident about it, ‘cuz it’s kind of a deviation from the norm. 

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The word ersatz is funny to me in that it seems antithetical to its own definition. Ersatz (pronounced air-sotts) basically means an inferior substitute for something. But I think the word ersatz is a better alternative for ersatz terms like worse, false, and artificial. It’s just so much more gut-punching. It’s a fancier upgrade from those blasé other words. There’s no room for misinterpretation. Anyway, enough about that. 

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Her therapist had told her to treat sophomore year with a more open mind. Stop doubting. Start doing. She didn’t really leave any alternatives.

Her parents had told her that she was wasting her best years on feeling sorry for herself. ‘You’re fine, baby,’ they would say. ‘College makes everyone feel bad. This therapist is unnecessary.’ They didn’t really get it. 

Her friends, if you could call them that, were dwindling. The few that tried to coax her into coming out with them did their best to show disappointment when she declined. They gave up, eventually. They didn’t really care. 

Which was fine. She wasn’t really doing a great job on her end, either. She understood. 

Despite the advice, despite the scolding, despite the concern, she just felt empty.

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She wasn’t exactly sure when, or why it started. Maybe it had been all of a sudden. Maybe it had been a slow burn.

She had been so self-assured in high school, just two years ago. She knew what she wanted from life, and usually ended up getting it. She only did, never doubted. 

And now...

Lately, it felt like she was playing a parody of herself rather than actually being herself: she responded how she thought she would’ve responded, and engaged in activities that she thought she would’ve liked. Doubted every action she made.  

A shoddy replica of the person she wanted to be. An ersatz mockery of the real thing. A hollow shell, a melancholy reminder, of whatever she had been before. 

She realized that she hated herself. She saw herself crying as she sat alone, scarfing down sorry excuses for meals between classes. When she could stomach food. She felt herself losing weight because she was too tired to do anything besides sleep.

(running shoes lay fetal, just as motionless as she was)

Her housemates didn’t care much to talk to her. She was a random, and they had all been a friend group before she moved in. 

Her friends weren’t real. They were satellites, orbiting cautiously around her, and stayed that way because she was too scared to let them get close to her, but too needy to let them drift away. She was ecstatic when they opened up to her, and devastated when they found better friends. 

Her romantic endeavors were nonexistent. It should be said outright that she didn’t care for relationships. She understood attraction. She understood physical intimacy, though she didn’t really want it. But she could not wrap her head around meeting someone and basing one’s life around them. She did not want to give up her time for someone else. She did not want to share in someone else’s problems. She had enough problems already. 

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Back in high school, she had had a best friend. They were like equal and opposite reactions. He was her exact counterpart: sharing humor, worldviews, and interests, but never sharing the same opinion as her. They eagerly argued about the same books and movies. They tried and failed to outwit the other. Their friends said they bickered like an old couple.  

She still smiled as she recalled the many late nights they spent trying to do homework together, only to give up and watch T.V. instead. Just passing time with him made her feel good.

She was pretty sure it was love. She didn’t feel empty, back then. He was her everything. Fleeting thoughts of him would sprint through her head all day: a goofy laugh, a witty joke, a serious, handsome expression. Her lips would always curve into a smile at the thought of him, and she resented the effect he had on her.  

Of course, it did help that he was terribly good looking. She would never have said so to his face, though. Like he needed the ego trip.    

They didn’t talk anymore. They weren’t friends anymore. She had been stupid.

(what else is new)

It was like a cliché movie scene. High off of feelings, of nostalgia, of pent-up adoration, she had taken him aside on their senior night and confessed that she had feelings for him. That he felt like her soulmate. That she needed him to feel like herself. Back then, she only did, never doubted. 

He held her shoulders gently and exhaled shakily. Equal and opposite clichés. Just like a movie scene, she was the first person he would ever come out to. 

They could have remained friends. In fact, it was probably awful of her to have cut contact after he came out. Probably made him feel like garbage. Probably made him feel how she did. But it was too much for her to try and act like nothing had changed. She realized she had already thought of them as a couple. That best friends and lovers were interchangeable. Indistinguishable. She had expected too much, and it had scarred both of them. 

The one silver lining was that she came to a very important realization: love, in all of its messy, convoluted, and emotionally exhausting glory, was merely a delusion that tangents from friendship. 

A painful variation of what she had had with her best friend. A shoddy replica of companionship. An ersatz mockery of the real thing. 

A meaningless reminder on how to lose your soulmate.

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As she ruminated on her sordid backstory for perhaps the five-hundred-millionth time, she felt herself coming fully to consciousness. She groaned and flipped over her phone, which lay buzzing by her head. 

It was half past two. Both her classes for the day were already over. She had slept through the day without having once really fallen asleep. It was upsetting how routine this had become.

Her roommate was long gone, having started her day at 6:30 as usual. There was muffled laughter coming from the room next to her. 

One of her other housemates had their boyfriend over, and they were both giggling while watching some stupid show. She was surprised the racket hadn’t woken her up sooner. 

She groggily flopped out of her futon and oozed onto the carpet. She felt like jelly, but she swore she heard her knees creak when she moved her legs. Her roommate had left the window open (‘The weather is so lovely in fall!’) and cold air continued to spill into her room, making her teeth clatter against one another. 

Through sheer force of will, she stood up, slammed the window shut, and went to the bathroom to start her day. 

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She had been a pretty decent student in high school, so she acted how she thought she would have acted. She sat at the desk in her room and started leafing through a textbook that cost more than three sessions with her therapist. Idly, she mused that her parents found the book a worthwhile investment, but not their daughter’s sanity. 

Another giggle sounded from the other room. She was starting to get annoyed.

She sighed and heaved all her school supplies into her backpack, and dressed to go out. Her baggy sweater and sweats made her look shapeless, and she smiled at the thought. 

The walk to campus was uneventful. She realized upon reaching the library that she had put her headphones on, but forgotten to play any music. She shrugged and took them off. Music wasn’t fun anymore, anyway.

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The library was abuzz with other students also desperate to cram information between the folds of their brains. The constant white noise of backpacks unzipping, papers rustling, and students quizzing each other was kind of comforting for her. She preferred noise to no noise. She preferred crowded places to vacant ones. She didn’t like when things were empty.  

The table she decided to sit at was far in the back of the building, where students were less intent on focusing and more interested in socializing. It definitely wasn’t conducive to a healthy study environment, but she didn’t care. Studying while others slacked off inspired her. She had to be better than someone. 

She got out her laptop and notebook and started copying lecture slides down. She had no context for them, so she heaved her textbook out, as well. From the corner of her eye, she could see a boy ask to sit down next to a girl and started talking with her. From their body language and expressions, it seemed like they weren’t previously acquainted. 

They were hitting it off, though. And why wouldn’t they? They were both happy, healthy, attractive individuals. The boy seemed a little shy, which made his initial approach all the more endearing. The girl was laughing at his jokes and making a few of her own. And after maybe ten minutes of talking, they both had their phones out and were exchanging contact information.

Upon seeing this, she rolled her eyes. A part of her found the whole courtship ritual cute, but she felt committed to deriding romance as a whole. A waste of time. An ersatz companionship. She wanted someone to talk to her like that understand that. 

A couple of times freshman year, she had been like the girl she was now furtively observing. There had been boys who had miraculously taken notice of her. Asked to sit with her. Asked for her number. She loved the attention, though she did not do anything with it.

Gradually, the attention stopped. She did not want it to stop, but it did. She had been ecstatic when people took an interest in her. She was devastated when they found better people to care for. 

Her inbox had been empty for a while, now. 

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The budding couple she had been watching had left long ago. Others came and went as the hours waned on. She looked out the window once and was startled to see the street lamps flickering on and the horizon sporting a deep violet. 

There weren’t many people left in the library. Even where she sat, the noise and conversation had significantly subsided. 

But from the corner of her eye (which she made excellent usage of) she saw a lanky frame draw near. 

Nearer.

Wait, too near. 

The boy was standing right next to her. His lips moved, forming words, but she didn’t really register them. She took off her utterly silent headphones and made a quizzical expression. He looked familiar.

In a smooth, deep voice, the boy repeated his question:

‘Can I sit at this table?’

‘Uh, sure.’ Her voice was raspy from disuse. Her heart rate had quadrupled. ‘If you want to.’ 

He smiled disarmingly and put his things down, taking the seat directly across from her. 

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Half an hour had passed, and she was sweating. The boy had stuck around, studiously scribbling into a notebook. He was looking more and more familiar, too. Which made no sense, because she didn’t know enough people for anyone to look similar to another. She cautiously watched him, taking note of his dark hair and symmetrical features. 

The boy looked up from his laptop and laughed at her pensive expression, and she quickly averted her eyes.

She realized why he looked so familiar, though. 

He was the spitting image of her best friend. 

It was uncanny, actually. Her throat closed. She tried to steal glances at him occasionally, but his soft gaze always greeted hers, his brown eyes twinkling mirthfully. 

After a few such interactions, his lips curled into a rosy smile

(just like his) 

and he spoke. 

‘Hey! I, uh, snuck a peek at your textbook, and I think we might be studying for the same class. Do you–would you wanna study together? Today’s lecture went completely over my head.’  

His voice was so smooth. She could only hope she sounded nearly as effortless in her reply.

‘...Sure. That’d be nice.’ 

He beamed and walked around the table to sit next to her. And she suppressed her desire to melt into nothingness. 

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There were a few key differences, she thought, between the boy and her friend from high school. 

The boy had asked to walk back with her, because it turned out they lived in complexes near one another. Who was she to say no? And so they ambled on, side by side. The streets were empty, and the crisp fall air nipped at their exposed necks and face. 

They had gotten to talking, and he was very much an open book. She was ecstatic that he was so willing to talk to her about personal topics. And she was devastated when he affirmed that he was like this with most people.  

Yes, only a few differences, but significant ones. The boy wasn’t nearly as quick-witted as her old friend had been. He had struggled the entire time with learning the class material, despite having attended class that day. She had to explain the lesson to him.

She had tried cracking a joke, a stupid pun, and he stared blankly at her with a puzzled, but friendly smile. She gave up on humor, after that.

And somehow, she could feel his openness by the way his face looked. There was no extra layer to his smile, no hidden depths in his eyes. She could tell that she was interacting with the entirety of him. 

Her friend from high school had been mysterious, like he was guarding some painful secret that tortured and ate at him. Well, actually, that was what he had been doing. With this new boy, she did not need to do any work to see his secret sides. They came up naturally.

She felt awful for constantly comparing this boy to her friend from years ago, but she continued to do so. 

The boy was talking about feeling sad and out of focus after his breakup, which had happened about a month ago. He had looked meaningfully at her when he mentioned that. Her heart skipped a beat, but she convinced herself that she was overthinking things. 

It turned out that he had always been with someone since his sophomore year of high school. She smiled inwardly. He couldn’t handle being alone, either. 

There was something about the night air, or the boy, or maybe just having someone’s attention that made her open up, too. She admitted that she didn’t understand love. That she thought it was a waste of time. That it was like getting a dog: investing in future pain and sadness. 

He laughed at that last part. ‘You’re quite the cynic,’ he chided. 

Her friend would’ve had an ironic, fourth-dimensional quip about how the term cynic came from a Greek word that meant dog-like. 

But the boy continued. He confessed that he didn’t know what love really was, either. He just knew he needed to be with somebody to feel like somebody. And he needed to feel like somebody.  

They fell into comfortable silence. 

They had reached her apartment complex. She shyly waved goodbye, but the boy stopped her before she walked away. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, and asked if they could please exchange contact information. For talking. About school. 

(don’t do it don’t do it you’ll be such a hypocrite don’t do it please don’t)

She smiled and said that that would be very nice.

******************************************************************************

Her inbox was no longer empty. It now housed a hey there! how’s it going? :) 

******************************************************************************

She tossed and turned in bed that night. She was thinking about the boy. 

Why had he taken an interest in her? Why was he so easy to talk to? What did he see in her? Why did he have to look so much like–

–the fact that the boy might have taken an interest in her was the last key difference between him and her old friend. It confirmed that the boy was just second best. A stand-in. A replica. An ersatz mockery of a soulmate. A reminder of whom she had lost.

And that was okay.

Eyelids suddenly heavy, she fell into a deep sleep. 

******************************************************************************

A month after they had met, the boy asked her out. They had been hanging out frequently to study together, get meals together, and just pass the time together. He made sure she was eating. That she was waking up in the mornings. She didn’t feel quite so empty around him. 

Apparently, she made him feel like somebody, too. At least, he said as much. So she said yes. She hated herself, but she said yes. She was scared of losing him.  

She knew she was setting herself up for failure. That it would end badly. That love would screw her over, again. 

But she said yes. 

******************************************************************************

Having never been on a date before, she didn’t know what to expect. She kind of thought it would all crash and burn. 

The food was nice. It was a fancier restaurant, so they shared a meal. She didn’t feel like eating much anyway, though. She was full off of a couple bites. 

They didn’t really know what to talk about. Most of dinner was just them smiling at one another awkwardly. Sitting with one another. Ersatz companionship. 

He paid for the bill (thank God) and they left. He took her hand and she resisted the urge to melt into nothingness. 

He guided them to a part of campus that she wasn’t super familiar with. They sat on a bench there, side-by-side. 

Empty words exchanged. Kind of sweet to hear, but that was about it.

Then he kissed her. She closed her eyes. Wasn’t bad. Wasn’t great. Too late to just stay friends. 

******************************************************************************

One year after they had met, she had her last appointment with her therapist. She mentioned that things were getting serious between her and the boy. They were planning on living together after they graduated and found jobs. Her therapist had told her that their relationship was unhealthy. That it wasn’t love. That it was a shoddy imitation of it. That they were using one another as crutches. A reminder of their inability to live their own lives. The term codependency was thrown around quite a bit. 

She decided to finally heed her parents’ advice.

******************************************************************************  

Two years after they had met, she was heaving a suitcase onto his bed. He was smiling gently at her as she unpacked the last of her belongings for their shared apartment. 

She was pretty sure she loved him. It was similar to what she’d felt for the better version before. She was able to feel without the constant fear of losing him, this time. He was her everything. His problems were hers. She didn’t feel empty when she was with him.

She was pretty sure it was love. 

And she thought she was good for him, too. He was driven, focused. He always told her that she made him feel like somebody. She was happy to be of use.  

He didn’t really tell her that he loved her, very often. But she could feel it through his actions. He stuck around because he had to have loved her. 

****************************************************************************** 

Five years after they had met, they went out for dinner. He was paying, and she was thrilled. She kind of liked the big fuss he was making over it, especially because lately money wasn’t as easily come by for either of them. He didn’t usually make such gestures anymore. 

A fancy restaurant. Like their first date. Roses and wine. They dressed to fit the part. He looked handsome in his black coat, which they both knew was a knockoff. 

Prior to this anniversary, she had also done some research into gemstones. Diamonds. Not for any particular reason. She’d also left the tabs open on her computer for him to see. Not for any particular reason.  

Here with him, she felt content. She felt a sense of pleasant inertia. She felt full to the brim. They had been looking for houses for a while, now, and she appreciated the routine. The safety of having someone to share her days with. 

Briefly, she wondered if this feeling was her settling down

(or just settling)

and looked back up at him, smiling sweetly. 

Dinner was served. They shared a meal. They didn’t talk too much. 

It was there, after the plates had been whisked away and as the patrons began to dwindle that the boy, now very much a man, got out of his chair. He got down on one knee in front of her, and opened a small felt box that he produced from his breast pocket. 

She grinned and felt, deep in her belly, the bubbling of what she thought was happiness.

She was nodding before he even asked the question, embarrassed to find tears rolling down her cheeks. Like a cliché movie scene. He laughed handsomely and slipped the beautifully shining ring onto her finger, and she raised it to the light to admire it.

The lack of discernible color, the lack of optical flaws, the obvious discrepancy in weight. 

He had bought a fake diamond ring. Cubic zirconia, she recalled from her research. A shoddy replica. An ersatz mockery of the real thing.

She could feel something draining out of her, emptying her, and he hugged her, whispering sweetly, lovingly:

‘It reminded me of us.’  

#short story #story

[writetoremainsilent]

9/14-10/15/19 a whole month of interview preps, interviews, and age increasing

So first of all, I’m sorry about slacking off. 

A lot of this time was spent prepping for my dental school interviews. I’ve had 3 now (9/27, 9/30, and 10/15) and they all had varying degrees of success. 

I watched a show with my dad called Good Omens. It was pretty dumb but had cute moments.

I turned 22. I hung out with friends and had a good time and they got me a nice gift. 

It’s been ok. Definitely not the worst month. 

I had a midterm in my microbio class and also started my anatomy class. 

I started playing League of Legends again. I might stop again, too. 

I wrote another short story (I feel like I’m just dumping my crappy writing here lately, to be honest). 

Hopefully I’ll be better about updating again. 

[writetoremainsilent]

9/13/19 i uh, should get crack-a-lackin

I woke up pretty early today to go shadow at 9 a.m.

I got to the office, and it was closed. I opened my email and realized that...the office was to open at 10 a.m. today.

I went to a nearby Starbucks and grabbed some coffee. I decided to read about dental stuff while I sat there. And it was pretty cool. I learned about gingivitis and how to measure for periodontal disease by like, probing something in your gums and measuring the gap between your gums and your teeth. 1-3 millimeters of gap is healthy, and above that is dangerous. 

I dunno, I thought that was super rad. But I could be stockholmed out of my skull. 

Shadowing was...pretty uneventful. The dentist didn’t have me watch a single operation today, and it was a slow day as well. I spent most of my time looking at interview questions on my phone. 

I got back home a little early, and went to lunch with my mom and brother. Wally was supposed to come along, but didn’t, because his license expired and I forgot to pick him up. 

Oops.

My brother was mad at me at lunch (which was an Indian buffet), and it seems that every time we go to this particular Indian buffet, we get in an argument. Fun.

Also, some pictures came in from Wally’s birthday party, and I winced at my face.Wally also had mentioned that he and I just...didn’t look great in them.

We got back home and I left to get Wally to take him to the DMV and replace his license. Along the way, we stopped off at Allen’s house to check in on him, because he had been AWOL for a few days. He answered the door, and we said hi, and left, because we had to go to the DMV, after all. But hi, Allen.

 The DMV was a moderately pleasant experience, all things considered. 

Oh right, before we did that, we went to Taco Bell because he hadn’t really eaten well in the past 3 days, which was amazing to me. He tried their new item, and declared that it was...all right. 

Anyway, yeah, the DMV was pretty decent. 

After that, we left to go get my car washed, which was something I had been postponing for quite a while. The car wash guy was driving a hard bargain for me to get my car waxed, too, and I foolishly immediately agreed. After a little pause, Wally told me to call my dad and get his opinion. My dad said no. It was just a marketing tactic. So I said no. The car wash guy seemed glum, but was nevertheless unfazed. 

Wally picked up a funny card in the car wash lobby area, and then we went to Starbucks. I sneakily had brought my old Starbucks cup, and asked for a refill, and amazingly, it worked. Don’t arrest me.

We went back shortly after, and my car was shiny and brand-new looking. The waxing had been completely unnecessary.

I dropped off Wally and headed home. It was around 6 p.m., and I was sleepy. I played video games for a tiny bit and also drew while my family went to a nearby park that I had declined tagging along for. 

I went to the gym kind of late, again, and ran into my friend Jet. He seemed pretty bored, which is understandable, because our hometown is more or less boring. 

I like running into friends, but I hate running into friends at the gym, because it makes my time there last so much longer, which is the last thing I want. 

But it was fun. I went home, said good night to my parents, and did some more research for interviews. 

Did you know that fluoride is good for your teeth because (being an anion) it binds with calcium cations and forms a more insoluble compound that doesn’t get eroded by sugar or acid as easily? Pretty cool stuff. Fluorine is electronegative as heck, so it just makes sense.