whywegotdivorced
Why We Got Divorced
Divorce doesn't happen overnight
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Happy
Happy New Year! It's has not been easy but it's been worth it.
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New Year’s Eve
I should have told you what I needed. When you met me I was a recovering party girl from a party family. New Year’s Eve has always symbolized music, dancing and good times. I thought our first NYE together at your apartment in our pajamas was romantic but what I didn’t know is it would set the tone for our future New Year’s Eve.
You didn’t know I loved dancing and parties; I didn’t say that, that was a part of my DNA. You didn’t know I constantly have a script in my head of how I expected it to be. You didn’t know my New Year’s Eve script required me in a party dress at a party where we kiss at midnight. You didn’t know how much I needed the spotlight on me and I lied and said it wasn’t important because having someone was more important than having my needs met.
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Dad
Why we got divorced, my dad died 11 months after we got married. When my dad died 50% of me died with him. The woman you met in April 2007, the woman you married October 2010 died and what was left was a vessel with no soul. The woman who was seen as someone who had music playing in her was silent. She was like a TV in the 1980's at 2am it turned to snow because TV was off, until the news in the morning but the news never came on in me.
How sad and unfair to marry someone and wake up to a stranger with empty eyes. I'm sorry about that no one deserves that. When you get married it's like a business merger, you merge businesses because that company has what you want but what happens when the stock plummets suddenly after you make the purchase?
With the death of a parent you can't just tell someone to get it together. So you just leave them alone and they leave you.
Of course with the birth of our son some woman showed up but she wasn't the woman you fell in love with. She was a lost soul looking for love and there he was "my precious". There was no room for you when my father died and there certainly wasn't any room when our son was born. Why we got divorced, I was gone a long time ago.
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Traveling
Every year we traveled 3,000 miles to see your family. When we were single it was great but when 2 became 3 and we added the constant changing needs of a child in the picture it became a nightmare.
The first year we traveled I made a list and checked twice. I scanned mom sites to figure out the best was to travel with a baby/toddler/ child. You played video games while i struggled with how many diapers and changes of clothes to bring in our carry on. I say “our” because my purse became a baby bag. You played videos games while I folded, counted and checked and rechecked that i had everything we could possibly need. However, to err is human I left all the emergency clothes on the couch. I didn’t know it until our son got a case of explosive diarrhea and all i had was diapers and baby wipes. And despite failing I cleaned him up as best I could. Rinsed his onesie off, dried it using the hand drier and strapped that adorable poop scented baby back to my body and got on the plane.
Why we got divorced was because you played video games while I packed for years and I never said anything, I never asked for help. I had subscribed to some belief that,“To mother is to suffer.” And not once did you offer to help, not becauas you wouldn’t but because I made it my job to make your job as easy as possible. Like my mom did and her mom did, man over everything.
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Porn
Porn
When I was dating my husband, I would search for his porn. I never found any. Instead I found video games. I asked him about porn he got awkward. When we watched R-rated movies he was super uncomfortable which made me super uncomfortable. When we moved in together I hid my secret stash of porn.
In all of our 8 years together not once did we watch porn. All the men I dated watched porn with me and showed me what they were into. I married this man knowing he didn’t know that I liked watching porn. I got married without this man knowing how to meet my needs in bed. I married a man who couldn’t tell me what his needs were in the bedroom. So you have a marriage with a bed full of secrets.
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