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wheredoistart91-blog · 5 years

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I define who I am

I define who I am , not you.

I make my own decisions, not you

You may not understand my actions or what I do, you may even be upset and angry. But to be truthfully honest... I don’t care.

I don’t care cause I’m more important

I don’t care cause my happiness is more important

I don’t care cause I’ve been tired of caring

I cared about everyones thoughts

I cared about everyone’s feelings

I cared way too much.

I’ve spent my life always pleasing everyone around me.

I think it’s time that I think about my self,

I will lose some of you and I will gain some new

For the past couple years, I’ve been lost and confused and not knowing who I am and what I liked, I lived in others shadow, I’ve followed behind everyone

Never took the lead, was to scared to try

Had everyone walk all over me.

I’ve had the darkest of days because of this, so dark it was scary asf.

I’ve broken down n lost control

I’ve hurt myself and everyone around

Cause I was tired of caring too much.

As bad as that sounds it takes a lot out of you

But now I’m done, I’ve changed my ways.

Seeing a light, for once in my life I finally feel at peace and happy with the path I’m taking.

It’s a new beginning a new start

It’s not a welcome back, it’s a nice to meet you.

I define who I am , not you.

I make my own decisions, not you

-J

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wheredoistart91-blog · 5 years

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Where do i start pt.1

Where do i start.. theres so many events in my life that i cant really say where it all began. All i know is it came to me losing my mind and having scary thoughts of self harm and suicide, as much i didnt want it to go that far its slowly creeping up. lately ive been not feeling myself, everytime i look in the mirror i dont even know who is looking back.

thats a scary thought already, when you cant even recognize yourself. it makes the day start off like shit, and you think it will get better it doesnt it gets worse. threw out the day i feel so numb and if its not numb its anger and fusteration.

I catch myself zoning out alot with events that have pasted, and running the situation in my head over and over wondering why i didnt do it one way or why i didnt say what i really wanted to say. when things happen weather its bad or good, i never do or say what i really wanted too it literally doesnt come to me till after or days after. Then it comes up again months after and i run it threw my head over and over again. Alot of ppl might be going threw what im going threw, well somethings that ive been going threw. like i said i have alot of shit that i dont know where to start and how i got here.

My feelings feel scattered, sometimes i think i have a bi-polar disorder. Its crazy how your emotions can switch with out warning. Sometimes triggers happen but i dont know what triggers me, and i feel bad for my friends and family who have to deal with me being like this.

Before they found out about my outburst, i guess you would call it. i was very good at hiding it all, no one would have ever known what ive been dealing with. i would be the fun party girl and crazy friend who goofs around and says silly things. But what they didnt know is that i was screaming inside.... i was smiling when i was hurting, i was laughing when i was crying, i said i was okie when i wasnt. i did that cause i didnt want to be the talked about one. i didnt want a label on me, or have everyone feel sorry for me cause i dont know how to deal with my shit. So i just push it all aside and help everyone else before helping my self. One of the best things that helped was drinking all the time, it took a lot off of me, made me feel good. Which sounds really bad but whatever helped helped.

By now your probably wondering why i didnt get help or talk to someone, well that fact is if you couldnt tell by now. I hate talking about my feelings and serious things, cause like i said i dont like it when people feel sorry for me.

Recently i broke down and i still have no reason why. So many reasons come up but i cant tell you which one it would be. One night i was drinking and got drunk, when i came home i was alone in my basement with scary thoughts of myself saying "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". Then obvisouly being drunk and having fucked up emotions, i cut myself... i used a push pin and started to slash my wrist, at the time it felt good. The pain was a release, its a scary and fucked up pleasure. i saw my self doing it and couldnt stop, i wouldnt stop.. at first it was just to feel, then the thought of if it, if it had went too deep i would be okie with it.

i snapped out of it and started to realize that i fucked up, there was so much blood on my wrist, hands and on my bedroom floor. i started to cry and breathing heavily, i was freaking out. I called my brother girlfriend because i didnt know how else to call that i could trust at the time. She talked me threw everything, which started to calm me down i cleaned up my mess and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, feeling like nothing happened. Feeling like it was just another drunkin night. A week went by and i was feeling normal, feeling like i was okie for once. Friday... drinking once again drinking after work, losing my control with drinking cause it usally ease some pain. Me and some friends were at the bar taking shots like its no tomorrow, ended up at my brothers house contiuned to drink there, cause you know why not.. it was going okie well i thought it was. I was drinking Nudes which are in a can, so again my voice in my head kept telling me "cut","just do it", "it will feel good". So me being at my weakest i listened, i broke off the metal peice on top of the can. went to the bathroom and started to slowly re cut my cuts and it did feel good.. i threw the piece of can away and went on drinking some more.

we sat around the table listenin to music and talking. From there all i remember is my brother standing up in a panic yelling at me " what the hell are you doing".

Thats when i.. i guess you can say snapped back, i had once again ripped off a peice of the can and cut my finger open.. there was blood and yelling and talking... i paniced and freaked out, couldnt stop crying and holding anything in.. my dad was there, step mom, all my brothers, then all of a sudden my mom came. I was freaking out cause i didnt realize i was cutting myself, that shit can give you some trama.. everyone one by one was talking to me and i couldnt really hear, there was to much going on in my head and around me.. my brother came and was talking to me calming me down, then all of a sudden paramedics came in.. I started to freak out again and losing control.. they took me to the hospital, the mental heath section.

that moment i was becoming someone i wasnt able to control. i sat there the whole night,slowly starting to feel like im slowly losing myself ..

which leads to right now.. Now my whole family knows everything about how i cope with myself, how my mental health hasnt been doing good. A part of me wants things to go back to when i was hiding everything, the other part wants help.. Then theres the dark side that seems to be slowly taking over, im slipt in to so many feelings and thoughts..

Where do i start....

- JAC91

#mental health #where do i start #blogger #life #struggles #my story #feels #real life

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