Last Seen Blogs
techypotatoartist
Techy's Art Blog
asena-writes
Blueberry Muffins Are Just Simply Better
littlemichaelsplayroom
Little Michael's Playroom
save-me-break-me
WhiteRoses
Text
Am i too needy??? Probably
0 notes
Text
i’m so so so frustrated with myself... a lot of things happened recently and i don’t really understand why everything has hit me so hard...
1) i stopped meeting with my therapist. honestly, on the few sessions we had together (like 4 or 5) i felt like we weren’t doing anything at all. moreso, on the first meeting i straight up had a list of things i wanted to address, and he only really talked to me about the smallest issue. when we were nearing the end of the session, i started driving the conversation to the things that i cared about the most. and he just told me “yeah, let’s study your personality, like i said, and then we’ll see” and after doing the personality stuff, he again completely dismissed the issues, and only wanted to talk about uni. so idk, meeting with him was straining my finances really badly (it literally took over 70% of my food and transport money, which left me without money for food lol)
2) my father finally received some money he was waiting for. this is actually a pretty good thing. he was fired like a year ago, and we have been running on the savings we had and acquiring some debt to, you know, keep living. so now my father is kinda rich (and we only really money until april of the next year, when he’ll be able to retire, so we’ll be able to live comfortably for a while). now, why does this stress me out? because over the months, i’ve seen how he refuses to keep my mother updated on the negociations and the trials and a lot of stuff that has been happening. so i’ve been playing doble-agent the whole time, and i can’t cross my father because i’m the only one of this fucking family who he’s telling this stuff; and i can’t cross my mother because she’s been stressed as fuck and the constant arguments with my father really don’t help matters so she’s stressed out and annoyed and sick and still as controlling as ever so she keeps antagonizing everyone and, basically, this family is a mess and i can’t help but want to try and hold in together on my own, so i spend a lot of energy trying to be cheerful and non-confrontational and to speak to everyone about the other members of the family in a way so that they tone down the aggressiveness and i’m just so so so tired...
3) this also has to do with family dynamics... since my father has been staying in the house a lot more than what he used to, he doesn’t fucking know how to deal with the rest of us when we’re also there. like, he’ll enter the house, sit down and instantly turn on the tv on a really high volume. every single time, with no thought on the rest of the people living. with no care on the chance that i’m trying to study, that my mother could be on the phone, that my brother may be sleeping. he just doesn’t know how to adapt to living with people... and it’s really annoying and frustrating...
4) i was suddenly hit with a terrible bout of melancholy and good ol’ sadness. i don’t know exactly what triggered it, but i’ve been reminiscent of high school a lot recently, and that usually brings despair over the idea that the casual intimacy of sitting next to someone, talking to them everyday, being really open with each other, communicating without words, having each other’s boundaries always on mind, being able to run and hug and cry and just find a place on the floor to lay down and enjoy their company, and, basically, having someone to catch you in any situation... will never come back. that my friends will continue to drift apart, that i can see how i’m usually the one that tries to keep the contact, who asks everyone how they have been. i’m always sharing tales of my life, since i want them to still be part of my life. but they don’t. if i don’t start a conversation, nobody will message me. and it just hurts. i know that my friends all have other people to fill that void, they all have friends in uni and they can just replace me. and some already did. i know that M already has a lot of people who love her, she has friends at uni, she had a lot of friends even in high school, and if you were to ask me who are M’s best friends, i know that there a lot of people before i even get into the list. And J? i consider her my best friend hands down, but she has always had her own best friends, so i’ve always been number 4 at most. also, now she has a partner, and they go to the same uni, so i’m definitely not who she tells everything, not anymore. and sometimes i feel like that doesn’t matter, that having them in my life is more than enough. but some days i can’t stop the feeling of not belonging with anyone, that i could move out of the country and nobody would notice. that i’m just drifting alone through life, and that that’s all that i’ll ever do. and it makes me want to disappear.
5) i honestly just wanna die right now. i won’t do anything hasty, of course, but i just wanna take myself out of this stupid cycle of despair and self-hatred
0 notes
Text
She has such a way to make everything about her... ugh, i can't
0 notes
Text
If she tries correcting me (while she's wrong ofc) one more time, i'm gonna fucking scrEAM
0 notes
Text
I recently got to read some things that asked whether people were choosing their careers because it was their goal, what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives; or just because of society’s expectations and blah blah blah.
And, related to that, i realized i have a confession to make: I’ve never had a goal in life. I haven’t found any meaning in my individual life. When asked about my dreams for the future, i always end up thinking about where do i think my life will lead if i keep doing this? to be able to produce a satisfactory answer. But, if i actually think about where i want to be in 5 years... all the answer i get is a confusing void. I don’t want anything in life, i don’t even want a life. If it weren’t for the unnecessary damage i’d do to some people close to me (people that don’t deserve receiving another blow to their emotional stability), i’d have committed suicide by now. i don’t hate life, but i see no point on it and i’m pretty tired by now.
So, i have honest-to-God zero plans for my life. Zero goals. Zero dreams.
But then, how can someone with no direction in life move somewhere, anywhere at all? how can they grow, how can they choose anything, if they have no interest in life?
Honestly, i don’t know. I think that when i was 12 or 13 years old, i reached the conclusion that, so as to not call the attention, i had to do things, i had to keep moving. So i started seeing life as an... experiment? a go in a game? something like that. I started treating my future with a “let’s see how far i can get before i die” attitude.
So i’ve just been going with the flow, i guess. People my age were expected to choose a university and start studying something. Anything. So i did. I took the national university entry test, and decided to go into the career that with the highest requirements, in the best university out of what my results would allow. No matter what that was.
Two months later, i got the results. They were pretty good, so i applied for med school in 2 different universities, the hardest ones, the best ones, the ones that all my classmates wanted. And i got into the second one, which was considered a feat by my family, who were all into the idea of me getting money and prestige and “being one of the only 200 who got into medicine in the best universities in the country”. But me? i considered it a waste. why was i going to become a doctor? i didn’t have any reason apart from “it was the best thing i could get into”. I was using a spot, me being there made sure that someone else didn’t get into that university. it screamed wrongwrongwrong to me. but i ended up not doing anything, so i got automatically enrolled and have been drifting, surviving, until now. And i’ll probably keep doing so unless anything changes.
#does this story have a moral?#maybe: if you have a drive#a goal#treasure it#because it's more than what some of us have#this has been a venting attempt#because i've been very emotional over nothing and i'm just like#?????#mind#control yourself#personal#reflexion#meaningless thoughts#but whatever
0 notes
Text
I know it's not right, but i still get the feeling that, if i killed myself, i wouldn't have to face my failures about this important decisions that i had no preference over.
What to study?
Went to the hardest career i could enter.
How to live?
Didn't make any changes to where and how i live and keep 'surviving' day after day.
Now i'm dealing with the consequences of those decisions and i... don't want to. In this era, where "doing the things you love" is so romanticized, what do you do if you never had any passion? Any drive to live? Any goal in mind? What do you do if you don't really care about getting enough money to live, if you don't care about getting food, if you don't really care about getting friends? I can't seem to find an answer, because everything comes back to something:
What makes a life worth living? Maybe if i was religious, i could get an answer from faith. Maybe if i found my friends weak, i'd live for them, to keep them safe, at least until i can distance myself and make my goodbyes as painless as possible. But i'm not and i don't. I don't find any meaning in life and i know my friends would get over my death eventually. They're strong, they can handle it.
And yet, it's been a long time since i first entertained the possibility, and i haven't tried to get away. To kill myself.
Why? Because it's easier for me to keep walking, to keep reaching for a nonexisting goal in the meantime. I'm too afraid to mess it up and end up in a hospital bed, waking up and having to face the music.
At the end, it all comes back to fear.
0 notes
Text
i just want any irl friends to stop ignoring me?? is that too much?
#the literally ignore me whenever i talk in the group chat#and i know im weird and probably talk weirdly#but damn#when one of them had problems last night and i saw no one helping her#i rushed to help her#even though the topic made me uncomfortable#at least i want them to return the favor#is that greedy?
0 notes
Text
i feel like shit my best friend is mad at the world and she's not talking to me, maybe because she doesn't wanna snap at me, maybe because she realized she doesn't need me in her life
0 notes
Text
i made this sideblog so people i know irl wouldnt see them in my main
0 notes