what-the-flib-is-going-on-blog

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…we are in this Universe, but perhaps more important…is that the Universe is in us

missjessbess

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I’m a bit hopeless at the moment, but in theory, I will be okay again, eventually.

#hopeless #it's going to be okay

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Just found out you can make gifs in procreate so here is cat

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Day/Night

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The Blue Flower Moon in full bloom, by Milamai

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Irony

I had to leave a stress management class early coz I felt a panic attack coming on, and the irony of that amuses me.

#panic attack #Irony #stress

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Summer is coming

I literally hate the sensation of sunlight on my skin. It makes me irrationally angry when people say about how nice this weather is. I get that I’m the weird one, with my enjoyment of grey skies and rain, and my loathing of sunny days.

I don’t know how much of this is influenced by childhood shit, they were all like ‘Put sun lotion on to protect against skin cancer’ Maybe because of that I latched on to the idea that sunlight is bad. But I have always been more comfortable with low light. I’m happier being outside at night than in the day, (though I know that’s dangerous)

Basically I’m getting really irritable because I miss winter and I fricking hate this weather and nowhere sells clothes I deem appropriate for me. Being in the light makes me anxious, perhaps it’s also coz I don’t like ‘being seen’ or people looking at me… (Maybe that’s why I like stealth games so much, lol.)

 Anyway, it seems like everyone around me is rejoicing in this sunlight and I just want to crawl back into my dark cave, ya know.

(also fun fact, rain feels like lots of little needles falling onto my skin, but I still enjoy being in the rain…)

TL;DR I hate sunshine. I want rain.

#Summer #I hate sunshine #cave dweller #autism #want to stay inside #but gotta go outside

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Art G.Shvecova (Design graphics - Series Blue-stars_260418)

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eye sight is weird

It so easy to forget that we all see the world differently.

I been thinking about this stuff, coz I had to wear sunglasses indoors for a stress management course, because the florescent lights were bright and giving me a splitting headache, but  it makes me feel self-conscious as I have been given the vibe that sunglasses are socially inappropriate.

 Anyway, it got me wondering why I’m so sensitive to light and I researched astigmatism to see if it was related to that. Yes it is.

Apparently astigmatism is usually present at birth unless caused by injury. It can run in families.

Astigmatism is if the cornea of the eye is not perfectly round but curved.

Cornea is the bit at the front of the eye that is meant to focus light.

As it gets worse the symptoms arise of: blurry sight, light sensitivity, eye strain, fatigue, headaches.

 I off chance asked the internet if there was a connection between astigmatism and autism, and apparently these kind of sight problems are common in autistic people. Interesting.

Anyway, next time I can’t cope with lights, I’m going to tell people it’s because of my astigmatism. They cannot argue with that… (Though they may be all, why not get laser eye surgery, and that’s just nope.)

#astigmatism #autism #eye sight #light sensitivity

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Too many tabs open in my brain!

Too many tabs open in my Brain. thinking so slow. system has crashed. switching between tasks is doom, unfinished things everywhere. not responding. My brain is not responding, ahhhhhhhhhh. 

my head hurts...

#Is this autism? #headache #Is my brain just responding in sympathy to how badly I treat my laptop with all the tabs I leave open... #too many tabs #Hours have passed and I got nothing done

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(x)

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not a real person

Sometimes I get this feeling. 

It’s a feeling that I am not real, I interact with people, but it is wrong, they shouldn’t care about me.  I feel bad when I cause people to care, like I tricked them somehow. 

I tend to overshare, because I’m kinda self absorbed and very stuck in my own head.  So after interactions where I talk about myself, I feel so selfish and regret saying anything. Maybe thats why I’m often quiet. I prefer to listen to others, I feel less selfish when I hear others talk about themselves, and it is interesting hearing these differerent perspectives. 

I know this is messed up brain things, and I’m really trying to improve my self-esteem.  But falling back into the thoughts of ‘I’m not real’ is so comfortable at this point, It feels safe to think like this again. 

#feeling #not real #probably autistic #more nonsense

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Design graphics Geya Shvecova (Aesthetic moon_210919)

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Bleh

I made this blog because I had so much I wanted to say. To just throw my words out there, instead of keeping them all bottled up...  

Now I’ve forgotten them all, lol.

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But here’s something... about my forgetfullness

I only made an effort to try online dating last year, because I had promised myself I would do so several years before. I felt hella load of intense emotions, enought for me to designate ‘Love’ as ‘Insanity’.  Anyway, didn’t work out with any of the guys I fell for over the year. Huuuuurt so bad. But it was an interesting experience, all the good and not so good feels. I tried to be friends with two of my exes, coz they were such fun people, but i kinda had a bout of depression and didn’t want to talk to anyone except close friends for awhile. 

Now...the memories of my exe’s are fading, kinda, it’s tricky to explain. Some memories remain, but the essence of the person is no longer there, I can only recall echos of those feelings I had.

So when I try to interact with them again, I find it jarring, I don’t know who they are deep down anymore. I mean, I also forget superficial stuff like their fav colour, but ...I forget their soul. This happens with everyone I care about. I struggle to interact with anyone who hasn’t made the effort to keep in frequent contact with me. Even if they are important to me. 

I cope better and am less awkward with old friends, people who spent enough time and years in contact with me that they are imbedded in my brain, even if I forget the details. 

Sometimes when I explain my mental stuff people are just, “everyone is like that” and it’s just...bleh. 

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tl;dr: Keep in contact with me or I will forget who you are. 

#forgetfulness #maybe autistic #goldfish brain #who are you? #bleh

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I’m making voidfish prints! 

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First Post

Hellooooo, I’m making this blog to kinda... express... something.

Like half a year ago a friend told be that i’m probably autistic, and I’m still trying to process this new information. Though it explains a lot of my behaviour and experiences, I still don’t know if I am, or if I have something else wrong with me. But getting diagnosed at this point seems useless and unlikely, considering all the signs were ignored all my life, and most people I’ve mentioned it to don’t believe me.

I might reblog my favourite things like: cats, discworld, cosmic art. but will also comment about whatever is rattling round my mind at any given time.

Feel free to message, as I am probably more scared of you than you are of me... I’d like to exchange advice on existing or just chat about deep things.

#autism #first post #anxious wreck #what the flib #hello #probably autistic