weazelactionnews

[weazelactionnews]

Things don’t go exactly as planned at Pacific Standard...

#gta heists #Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #gta online #grand theft auto heists

[weazelactionnews]

Princess Robot Bubblegum meets Lester

#gta online #gta heists #Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #grand theft auto heists #princess robot bubblegum

[weazelactionnews]

Lamar needs to recruit more competent employees.

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #mugger #gta 5 #GTA V

[weazelactionnews]

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #gta online #gta racing #gta 5 #how did this race get verified?

[weazelactionnews]

I encourage everyone to do likewise.

#ignition bomb #Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #GTAV #enjoying passive mode #gta5 online #explosions

[weazelactionnews]

I wish more people would allow their voice chat to be recorded. The speech that was spewed was amazing.

#grand theft auto online #gta 5 online #Grand Theft Auto V #trolling with passive mode

[weazelactionnews]

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #gta online #GTAV #gta 5 online #perks of passive mode

[weazelactionnews]

Blowing up our expensive cars didn't stop st6sniper1.  Using our own tanks didn't stop st6sniper1.  What did?  Stealing it. (message to him was simply "LOL").  st6sniper1 rage quit the session to find others to grief.

Passive mode is best when used to be passive aggressive.

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #GTA5 #gta5 online #tank griefer #rage quit

[weazelactionnews]

Sometimes you have to sacrifice the body if you want a bounty

#gta online #bounty hunting #Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #GTA5 #GTA V

[weazelactionnews]

This normally happens when you do online missions with pubbies.

#Grand Theft Auto V #gta online #gta online mission #A Titan of a Job #GTA V #GTAV

[weazelactionnews]

"Violence against mafia-themed, The Godfather-inspiried 'crews' as risen in recent days."

- Weazel News

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #GTAV #gta5 online #ps4 #driveby bombing

[weazelactionnews]

"This selfie epidemic is getting out of hand."

- Weazel News.

#Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #GTAV #gta online #GTA V #gta 5 online #ps4

[weazelactionnews]

Just another day in Rockford Hills. Weazel News was surprisingly there.

#grand theft auto online #Grand Theft Auto V #GTA5 #gta5 online #grand theft auto v online #weazel news was surprisingly there

[weazelactionnews]

Sex, Corruption, Exodus and Murder at Weazel Action News

This is a Weazel Action News an LLJK Special Report Hello, this is Wynter Summers reporting for new start up station LLJK! We’re so new we don’t even have a graphics department. In fact, I don't even know if we're an actual news station. I haven't quite figured that out. I have to take my own pictures... with my mobile. This is uncalled for! We're not the Chicago Sun-Times! LLJK management won’t return my calls and I assume they won't splurge for a paltry Canon T3: the worst. I could only hope for something that supports 1080p. I look so much better in HD.

The mass exodus from - and demise of - Weasel Action News cannot be exaggerated. (Reviews NDA and decides, fuck it) Is Buffy Wang’s reign of terror finally over? The class action suit against Weasel News and loose canon reporter Buffy Wang was brought about by intern associates, who were not paid fairly (or at all) and in some cases allegedly assaulted by Ms. Wang. There was also that hazy incident involving this reporter and Ms. Wang that started with her making me drinks. The next morning, my clothes and my apartment was in complete disarray and some accessories that were definitely not mine. Ms. Wang also stole my Mini and the next evening she crashed it into a local Ponsonbys near my condo while I assume she was attempting to return it.

Inside I found the result of her terror. It’s said that the fire wasn’t caused by the wreck. Limping, Ms. Wang poured gasoline all over my car then set it aflame.

Franchise owner Claudia Carroll barely escaped. Suffering only a lacerated arm and a sprained ankle. Ms. Carroll lamented the recent incident and recalled, “I was closed for over three weeks. Longer than that store in Akron. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue. According to many of my patrons, it’s officially worse than ebola.”

I am pretty certain that Ms. Wang also stole my favorite dress. But that’s okay, I’ve since turned Buffy’s stylist against her.

And it’s been fabulous.

Since I left Weazel News for my new position at LLJK, I must say that Los Santos looks brighter, more in focus. It's like my eyes have been upgraded and I see true detail. But it does have its drawbacks as I do tend to spend more time traveling in the clouds than I did previously. Enough about that. In the Weazel settlement, I was granted sole ownership of Buffy’s yacht, The Ghomeshi, which is great for sailing. According to Buffy its sound carries excellently across the open water when it strikes a dolphin. I begin to re-evaluate Ms. Wang as a former colleague... she might be a monster.

I also was granted ownership of a Weazel News Van, a small recompense for my destroyed car.

My first assignment was to track down some of of Ms. Wang’s former interns, who meet at Vespucci Beach. I arrived to find their little group therapy session already in progress around a campfire. They spend their nights standing around the fire, eyes glued to their phone in complete silence, waiting for each other to suddenly break down crying in fear and shame. They actually refer to these breakdowns as "A Happening".

The former interns told me I could find some of the other interns up on the beach in Chumash, where more congregate in hopes of escaping the dark employment of their past. I tracked down Carl J. up in Chumash and found him still wearing the sunglasses Ms. Wang gifted all her conquests. “Ms. Wang said I had an eye for directing and often had me direct her in some films that under her supervision ended up rather tasteless. Ms. Wang would put them on the internet, but who knew that nobody wanted to see Buffy sing a cover of Royals while nude thrusting? Did you see the meltdown on Bleetr? “Anyway, I left. I knew I had to step up my game and get some real credits to my name. So I went into the adult film business as a director and cinematographer. Maybe you’ve seen some of my work?”

After politely turning down Clint for a starring role opposite him, I ran in to another of Ms. Wang’s interns. Jackson M. was also wearing wearing the signature sunglasses that were gifts known to be from Ms. Wang. Jackson was one of the fortunate ones who left relatively unscathed, but only after Ms. Wang constantly referred to the talented camera man as “Action Jackson”.

Jackson was not happy to see me. “Man, I told you crazy bitches to leave me the fuck alone. Do you know what therapy costs? 300 dollars a session, twice a week. I fucking rob convenience stores to pay for it all. Between therapy and replacing the camera equipment that she threw off of her balcony in a drugged out rage...Do you know how much those lenses cost? I have no other recourse at the moment until my benefits kick in from my new job. Ninety days before they start. What kind of shit is that? And do you know she's trying to hunt me down? That psycho has it in her tiny mind that I live on Grove Street. She's been shooting up the Ballas because of that insane reason... and she has four confirmed kills.” I informed Jackson about the group therapy down at Vespucci Beach and he replied, “Ms. Wang knows all about that. Trust me. They think they’re safe. I heard she attends the meetings herself in disguise, even tells fake stories - actually they are probably true - about the abuse she's responsible for her to fit in. Some of us are going to be silenced. Those that think they’re safe, they’re just in denial. I learned what true denial was last week in therapy.” When I asked Jackson of his given, unwanted nom de plume, Action, Jackson got angry but answered, "at least that racist bitch didn't call me Jesse. Now get the fuck away from me and leave me in peace. Like I said, I got a sweet new gig filming for COPS. My first episode is with the LSPD and I cannot wait. It's going to be great. I mean what could possibly go wrong?" I returned to the Vespucci Beach to be greeted by a solemn Michelle T.

Michelle said, "She killed Sam, that bitch!" Samuel T. and a random man (who at no time worked for Weasel Action News or Ms. Wang) were allegedly shot point blank by Ms. Wang. "Jackson was right, she found us. She pretended to be one of us. Called herself Lisa. She fucking faked her happenings. Who fakes a happening?" After Ms. Wang had her "happening", she then fled the scene.

As I check out the scene I see Phil C., a former weather intern, lying in the fetal position in the sand. Michelle told me that Phil now suffers from night terrors and claims that he’s living the same day over and over again, each time ending with his death by Ms. Wang’s own hand.

So where is Ms. Wang now hiding? Sources say that the LSPD has been staking out one of her favorite hideouts.

Two senior Weasel Action News executives, or perhaps just random women on the street, refused to discuss the allegations on the record. However my investigation shows that they are allegedly complicit in Ms. Wang’s ventures and bankroll her numbers racket down on Grove Street.

More on this story as it develops. Next time on LLJK: Scandal in Banham Canyon! This woman:

And this fireman:

Sext each other lasciviously in broad daylight as his comrade dies.

The harrowing story of Gunther Harmon, a LSFD captain.

And his brother who tries to come to grips with his loss.

The Gunther Harmon Story. An LLJK exclusive.

#GTA V #gta online #Grand Theft Auto V #grand theft auto online #wynter summers #weazel action news #Investigative Journalism

[weazelactionnews]

Cults. Are They a Necessary Evil In Our Culture?

God, is this... hello? Studio, are you getting this? It's me, Gorge! Jesus... I don't know how long I've been out here. I just... thank god this stupid redneck had a video phone! I've sent you a file for the last report I did before I woke up out here. This needs to be seen. Please. I've been living on squirrels for the past few weeks and... Hey! What do you mean "Who are you calling a stupid redneck?" Give me back the goddamn ph-

Good evening Los Santos, I'm Gorge Strictly, and this... is Weazel Action News.

After the carnage of last week's report and subsequent public inquiry into the role of media in violence, my producers have given me a simple brief - take to the streets. Talk to the people. Most importantly of all - and my boss could not stress this strongly enough - don't start trouble, and DO NOT take a gun with you.

Our first stop was the scenic Rockford Hills area of Los Santos, where on a street corner every day, the friendly voice of Pat Millford can be heard inviting citizens to attend seminars at the prestigious Epsilon Centre. But is there a darker side to this so called cult? Weazel News - and by Weazel News I mean me - decided to investigate.

We visited the Epsilon centre itself, a sprawling estate in south Richman where Los Santos' privileged attend self actualisation seminars and get fleeced by profiteers in the name of enlightenment. After carefully parking the Weazel News intern van, I began to sweep the area for signs of anything untoward.

First of all, this graffiti bearing the stylised Epsilon logo seemed to throw the accusation of cult-like behaviour at the group. Could this be true? Could Los Santos have a cult operating under it's very nose? Well, another one anyway.

"That's ridiculous," Snorted spokesperson Korgar, "The Epsilon Program is a registered charity and tax haven which is fully compliant with all state and city ordinances, where applicable to galactic law. Besides, it's not a cult. Those mountain guys are all in a cult, and they don't wear pants. We wear pants. Mostly. So we're not a cult." A compelling argument, but how would Korgar deal with rumours of fraud and missing persons? She sighed, and motioned toward the terrace at the back of the building. "You look like you could use a coffee, brother brother. Do you want to come this way?"

The coffee was good, much like I like my women: Colombian, finely ground and freeze dried. It had a strange bitter aftertaste to it though, and the morning sun was starting to get to me. Korgar motioned for me to sit under the shade of a canopy and take another sip of the coffee. "It's good coffee, isn't it?" She nodded, staring at me with those baby blue eyes. "Look, we get a bad reputation in the media for all sorts of sinister stuff. We're not like that at all. Drink your coffee. We're just a bunch of people trying to get by in Los Santos and spread the word of Kraff so as to awaken his children for the time of his coming. Keep drinking your coffee." I had to admit, it all seemed to be making sense. Maybe it was Korgar's stunning yet simple eloquence, or the glowing aura forming around her head, or something awakening inside me; but yes, I could see it. The Epsilon program isn't evil. It isn't a cult at all. It's beautiful, and so is this coffee, and so are you, dear viewers. I love every single one of you. Korgar smiled at me, and told me if I wanted to hear the testimonies of how Kraff's beneficence had affected the area, I should go out onto the street and ask people. It seemed to trigger a memory from a long time ago of a man shouting at me from behind a desk to do just that, so I took a walk out into the world.

Oh my god this man is caring for mother nature! I tried to let him know that I thought his actions were so beautiful, but he just put his head down and kept digging, muttering to himself about 'goddamn crazies.' He kept digging, and I can dig it. Is this still recording? I can't really hear my voice or feel my face anymore. I asked him about the Epsilon Program. "I got nothing to say except they pay me to do the lawns." It didn't seem like much of an answer, so I asked him again, in a different accent. He frowned. "They pay me to do the lawns. I need this job mister. I seen nothing." He was being mean, so I found somebody else.

"Oh, you had the coffee huh?" Asked a new recruit, who assured me his name - his real name - consisted of a high pitched whine (even though a quick iFruit face search revealed his name to be Jorje Ruffalo - no relation). "Yeah, that's good coffee. I love the coffee here. Everything seems to taste so much better under the eye of Kraff. Like these cigarettes they gave me for my anger management. Here; try one brother, brother." I was overwhelmed by his generosity, and took a second to stare at the embers in the tip of the cigarette. They were so orange. So very, very orange.

Outside, an angry yet incredibly bored looking young man sat watching me. "Another recruit come to steal from me again? Whatever man. One day I'm going to meet a lawyer out here and you guys will be sorry!" I sat next to him and asked what was wrong. "Fucking thieves man. 'The Epsilon Program.' That was was my goddamn band name for two years! Then all of a sudden Cris Formage pops up with his fucking castle, and Myspace and Tumblr start sending me copyright take downs and shit. I don't need that! I'm an entrepreneur! I make my own artisanal [SIC] bread!"

It was at this point that Greblach found me and introduced himself. "Sup bro bro, I'm Greblach." It strikes me that this quotation makes the preceding sentence redundant, which is bad reporting and I'll probably get in trouble for it. Greblach continued. "So I just heard from Korgar, and she's managed to get you fast-tracked into the media pathway of the program. We've got you an appointment in ten minutes with a Finance Actualisation coach, but it's a limited time offer, so make sure you don't miss out dude." I nodded and wandered into the road.

"You." I recognised the piercing glare behind the glass as none other than local hypnotist and all-round scary motherfucker Danforth Graves. I was hit by a momentary sense of confusion, but he held his hand up. "You already appear to be in a powerful hypnogogic [sic] fugue, so I won't bother with the usual preamble." I nodded. "I assume this is the work of the Epsilon Program. A terrible shame, but I will not have them interfering with my work. Time is closing in, and my hour is at... Oh but what am I saying? Spoiling the surprise when things are falling into place so nicely. Perhaps you should leave me to my destination. Perhaps you should return to the Epsilon program, and destroy them from the inside. Be my instrument of vengeance. Destroy them. But above all, bother me no further! Now Rosalita, drive! Drive! My dry cleaning awaits!" He was right. Joining the Epsilon program is a fantastic idea.

Back on the terrace, Korgar awaited me with my Finance Actualisation coach. As I arrived, they seemed to be finishing a conversation. "... absolute deadbeat. Seriously, I have no idea how this guy isn't in jail the amount of debt he's in." Korgar nodded, and turned to me sadly. "I'm sorry brother brother, but the transcendence of Kraff has spoken to us through your credit check, and you are what we here at the Epsilon Program call an 'unsaveable [sic]." I didn't understand. Did this mean I would be unable to join them? Was I not a descendent of Kraff? "No, no you're really not. In fact, you're lessening our collective enlightenment just by being here. Please go." I was crestfallen. And then I remembered the words of my friend Randall Graves...

And through the miracle of self actualisation, I was born again as a member of the Epsilon Program!

My new brothers were not so supportive of my path. Korgar ran away screaming when she saw me, as did my potential Finance Actualisation coach. This brother brother took one look at me and tried to quietly slip away without me noticing. But I knew that his lack of speed was a sign that I should follow. Yes, I would follow this man and become one with the brotherhood! Kifflom!

And following him I am! Up the hill away from the Epsilon Center, into Richman, and beyond; to enlightenment! Nothing can stand in my way! My divine right is nigh, even if I have to devour my brother brother and consume his essences to discover his secrets! Kraff be praised!

None shall stop me! Not even the heavy footfalls behind me and the sound of a taser being cha-

Next time on Weazel Action News: Intern vans - great vans, or the best vans?

#weazel action news #gta5 online #grand theft auto #rockstar games #gorge strictly #cults #epsilon program #kifflom

[weazelactionnews]

Visitor Incites Panic at Eclipse Tower!

Good evening, Los Santos. I'm Buffy Wang.

The following BREAKING NEWS REPORT contains images that may be disturbing to some viewers.

HOLY

FUCKING 

SHIT!

I don't even know what the fuck. The creature, pictured here with an as-yet-unidentified local woman, appeared on the streets outside an uptown apartment building and caused a panic by chilling out atop a car.

The unidentified woman began a dialogue with the creature, but their efforts at communication were quickly disrupted by everyone flipping right the fuck out.

The creature was slain by police despite the vigorous protestation of its' advocate. More as the situation develops. Until then, I'm Buffy Wang saying TOP DAT, Seraphine.

#weazel action news #Grand Theft Auto V #gta5 online #Aliens #Buffy Wang #death #destruction

[weazelactionnews]

Mountain Crew: The Strange and Terrible Saga of Outlaw Sultan Gangs

Gwen Valentine reporting with a breaking Weazel Action News bulletin!

Several days ago, the notorious outfit known only as the Mountain Crew engaged in a state-wide campaign of crime. In an ennui-fueled marathon of cop murdering, they pledged to rob every single convenience in the state of San Andreas.

Though they are wanted felons, the Mountain Crew are seen as folk heroes by some. The sensationalist news crew at CNT called them the “Dillinger gang of the millennial generation.”

This reporter risked life and limb to follow their trek across San Andreas. Armed to the teeth with stolen military hardware, the LSPD were no match for the Mountain Crew.

After hijacking a city bus and taking its passengers hostage, special police units were called in and the bus was stranded in a road-side ambush just outside of the city limits.

Following a protracted stand-off, the stalemate was broken when an unattended riot van became the Mountain Crew’s new getaway vehicle.

The killing spree lasted over 24 hours, until finally the National Guard were alerted. A tank was airlifted from Fort Zancudo to the suspected crew hideout: an abandoned sawmill that is a hotspot for gang activity.

The tank, along with over a dozen squad cars, took part in a raid on the sawmill at the crack of dawn. In the biggest embarrassment since Waco, the raid ended in a catastrophic failure, and the Mountain Crew remains at large.

Absolutely not making any of this up out of boredom, this is Gwen Valentine for Weazel News.

Next time on Weazel Action News: Self-immolation, the hot new fad that's sweeping the city!

#weazel action news #Grand Theft Auto V #gta5 online #rockstar games #Gwen Valentine