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this actually is rewiring my brain as we speak

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Trauma explains behaviours- it does not justify them

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Anxiety won’t let me sleep so ig it’s time to start crocheting :)

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The Year You Thought You Were Dying

by Mindy Nettifee

The year you thought you were dying was a really great year.

You ate licorice on the beach in January, swam rum sauced in the icy Pacific wearing only blue rubber flippers and your grandfather’s dog tags and for the first time, it felt good to be cold, it felt good to be so cold it hurt.

You doted on pigeons and stray cats. You ate honey peanuts in the park and re-watched every movie that ever made you cry, including Steve Martin’s The Jerk. You tattooed your entire body in Pablo Neruda translations and cherry blossoms.

You blew all your money on comfortable shoes and one of those mattresses made from NASA space foam. You slept the sleep of assassins and kings—remorseless.

You bought chocolate bars from all the kids who came to your door and stock-piled them in your broom closet. You left them in your will to THE SECRETARIES, every last one of them.

You volunteered at the local senior center playing bingo. When you won you forced to whole room to take shots of Welch’s grape juice and sing the national anthem.

And you spent time with your favorite lover. You let him get close. Secret suicide note, nonsense alibi close. shampoo scent dissection close.

Close enough to memorize your tells, hand you your ass at pillow poker, make your defenses look like the silly decoupage of paper angels and Victorian roses that they were. Close enough that your laughter punched him with mint gum puffs. Close enough that his sighs drove circles in the parking lots of your sighs, close enough to measure your ribcage in wrists, your palms in lips.

So close, you didn’t even notice your heart speed up, then stop, when he kissed you so hard, when the New Year’s ball dropped down.

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I am the soot from a flame you never noticed

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Its me qtip don’t listen to them boy put me in your ear

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Attention random porn bots following me;

I AM A HOMOSEXUAL

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HOT SINGLE MILFS IN MY AREA

I WILL NOT SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR ONLYFANS

#show me big burly men #then we’re talking #I respect women #I want to be disrespected by men #well not really #I’d actually appreciate some respect #anyways please stop with the onlyfans bots #once again #i am very gay

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🫰🏽💖

“One of these days you’re going to wake up and realize you’re beautiful and powerful … That will be the day you stop running after people who don’t see your worth. That will be a really good day.”

— Brooke Hampton

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Missing Autumn (10.27.22)

A crisp, comforting breeze

Rests its palm upon a lonely cheek,

The leaves, love letters

To the memories of summers

past,

A rosy patch of skin

Stings at the gentle touch of autumn,

Eased by its promise of a crackling hearth,

The hope of a cozy candle lit kiss,

But seasons come and go,

Autumns rarely last,

Sun kissed skin begins to crack and

Lonely lips begin to chap,

Autumnal thoughts are soon

forgotten,

Replaced

By the cruel reality of

A cold

Lonely

Winter

#ametuer poetry #poetry #autumn #poemsbyme #fall aesthetic