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I wish I wasnt me.

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No friends No Hope No Future

Only Death.

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I miss my best friend

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Sometimes you sit down and wonder where did it all go? A fighting spirit putting down his gloves cause he's tired. A logician staying silent because he doesnt know what to say. An aimless spirit watching clocks tick and sun cycles move. He'll sit alone and wonder why he's not good enough or reflect and fall into his toxic hindsight. Throw another punch you can do it you tell yourself. But your body physically doesnt want to. Nor do you have the mental capacity to want to do so. You isolate cause you're scared. You isolate because there's no one left. You find yourself wanting to blast off because it makes the days feel a bit more bearable. You're at your peak but it feels like a downward spiral. And you can't communicate this to anyone because the inner thought of "Be a Man" comes to mind. But what is "being a man" if you don't feel remorse? Are you doomed to walk emotionless or are you suppose to surpress and then let out in uncomfortable fits of rage. All you want is solice. All you want is peace and understanding but the world around you is collapsing and you have no help at all.

Whatever happened to no crying until the end.

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Another shitty year with no hope.

Im turning 21 I literally give up on life.

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At least you're mine in my memories

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Everyones moving on and Im still stuck here.

I hate myself

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Living today is just getting so bad.

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Even the thought of talking to you excites me.

It shouldn't but if there was anyway I could ever come out to you I would...

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Not existing would be kinda nice.

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Some company would be nice.

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I just want to feel happy.

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I'm Sorry I'm trying.

"And if decisions cause divisions Tell me who's to blame?" I've been binging Rites of Spring all month because for the first time ever Im allowing myself to revel in my feelings and understand that its ok to feel sad over things. And with that understanding my anxiety and is starting to let me crack even further as I try to fight my feelings and sedate them because I dont want to be sad 24/7. Its this constant struggle between "breaking down" and "manning up" because everything is changing so quickly and things that I thought wouldnt happen did. Its like my known universe is falling apart and Im sitting here in this spinning void trying to make sense of all of it. Is there such thing as a 20 year life crisis or am I just that lame??? "We are all trapped in prisons of the mind It's a hard sensibility But we'll see it through in time But when words come between us Noiseless in the air Believe me I know it's so easy to despair" And believe me half the time Im in some form of despair.

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Isolation by Joy Division

Mother I tried please believe me, I'm doing the best that I can. I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through, I'm ashamed of the person I am.

#joy division #peter hook #depressive #isolation #closer

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As she counted the spiders as they crawled up inside her.

Glass The Ghost Children by The Smashing Pumpkins

#smashing pumpkins #billy corgan #90s #alternative #grunge #machina I

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I'm 2 minutes away from dropping out and never coming back.

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You left the people and the people left you out

"Don't Give Up" by The Whitest Boy Alive

#indie rock #the whitest boy alive #music #reflection #dreams #self help