turtlecyanide

[turtlecyanide]

TW: gender dysphoria, body issues, swearing

Dysphoria rant:

I really wish I could have a fucking break for myself, a full day without my dysphoria coming in and ruining things for me. It’s been weeks now and just in the background all the time, especially worse when I’m bored and don’t have anything to keep my mind busy. I avoid mirrors now, as much as I can. Makeup doesn’t seem to help much cuz even when I start to feel sort of okay, as soon as I see a reflection or picture or anything it just goes to shit. Things about my face structure (your forehead is too big, your cheekbones and jaw are too pronounced, you’re barely even covering your facial hair) that I can’t change come back and ruin everything, feeling unstoppable. Not to mention any of the actual body issues when I see more than just my face. I fucking hate this and I thought it would go away or lessen with hrt. Especially after over a year and a half by now. I thought moving to a better city would help but I’m just sabotaging myself the whole way and everything. Gods fucking damnit I wish I could just be cute or beautiful or even just valid to myself.

I don’t want to be some “statement” or “powerful person for getting up in the morning” or any of that bullshit for just existing, I want to be cute and lovely and beautiful sometimes, or a badass wearing pants and masculine clothing others, without deflating my gender and how others perceive it. I don’t want to have to wear makeup every day just to survive. I don’t want to have to try extra hard to change my voice and practice how to make it “feminine”, or overthink every conversation I have to figure out if my voice or vowel shape or inflection or any other countless things are consistent, I just fucking wish I was born different.

Hell, how do I even cope with my childhood and talk about it with people without outing myself? Every time it feels like “well I mean I guess they thought I was a boy back then, well I mean I did too, but also I guess technically…” and some other bull that makes it complicated to even share that I had a life.

I’m just tired of it all and wish my brain and body were different. At this point I really just feel the “I’ll never be a real girl, I never should have tried” vibes

#trans #transgender #transfem #gender dysphoria #tw swearing

[turtlecyanide]

“It’s literally impossible to be a woman.

You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we're always doing it wrong?

You have to be thin, but not too thin, and you can never say you wanna be thin. You have to say you wanna be healthy, but also, you have to BE THIN.

You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass.

You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.

You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman, but also, always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is INSANE, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining!

You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood, but ALWAYS STAND OUT and ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that but ALSO, always be grateful!

You have to never get old. Never be rude. Never show off. Never be selfish. Never fall down. Never fail. Never show fear. Never get OUT OF LINE. It's too hard! It's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says 'thank you!' And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also, everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself, and every single other woman tie herself into knots, so that people will like us.

And if all of that, is also true for a doll just representing a woman, then I don't even know." -Gloria the barbie movie

this is it. this is exactly it oh my god.

[turtlecyanide]

Do you ever look over at your girlfriend and you’re like oh my god that’s my girlfriend

[turtlecyanide]

I think I came up with an okayish metaphor for what misgendering feels like.

Okay, so you know that feeling that you get when you're walking down some stairs and you almost missed one and your stomach does that drop thing?

And you know that feeling that you get when someone close to you is disappointed and angry at you and you feel bad?

Combine those two, and you get what misgendering feels like. (At least to me anyway)

[turtlecyanide]

IT’S ALMOST HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEN! There’s so much more to get and put together but this is the start of my first official Halloween decor with my wife ❤️✨

[turtlecyanide]

Photobomb of my lovely children.

Steven: Black, white and one eyed baby

Princess: Fluffy white and gray princess

Callie: Fluffy calico goblin

[turtlecyanide]

Gaming girl nights be like…