ttcthoughtsandfeelings

[ttcthoughtsandfeelings]

Same, Amy. Same.

[ttcthoughtsandfeelings]

Why do I get so upset when someone makes a pregnancy announcement?! Of course I’m happy for them but part of me is dying inside and thinking why not me? When is it my turn?!

We haven’t used contraception in well over 3 years, been actively TTC for the last 18 months or so. I feel like I’m going insane constantly monitoring when I’m ovulating then convincing myself in the tww that I am pregnant because every little symptom points towards pregnancy. I’m an expert of peeing on a stick, I start testing from 9DPO and everyday I convince myself it’s to early to get a BFP then I still continue to get BFN’s every day until my cycle starts again.

My cycles are all over the bloody place and always have been and I really suffer. I’ve been diagnosed in the past with pcos and endometriosis and had a cyst removed from my ovary nearly 4 years ago now. I’ve argued with doctors the best way to manage my symptoms is by going on the pill. Yet that defeats the object when trying to get pregnant. Remember when you were younger and they told you must be careful as you don’t want to get accidentally pregnant, well that’s a fucking lie, because I certainly don’t. I can’t get pregnant when I’m even trying my hardest.

I also have to wait 18 months to referred to the hospital and in the meantime was told to focus on loosing weight in case we need IVF because my BMI is too high. Well guess what PCOS makes it extremely difficult to loose weight, in fact you put weight on easily. So we are now at the 18 month mark and my partner is in the process of getting his semen analysis then hopefully we will be referred. Of course I know I’m going to be the issue, surely with the problems I’ve been diagnosed with I should have been referred sooner. Surely I should also really want to loose weight and get my bmi down yet I’m so fucking depressed to even get the motivation. When hove been told your whole life you need to loose weight you literally want to do the opposite not to mention develop a binge eating disorder in the process. Lockdown would have been the perfect time to loose weight but I didn’t so I look at that and think well I wasted months of my life with nothing to show.

So due to the pandemic we were meant to get married in May 2020, so actively starting trying in March 2020 and we decided we’d get married some point in 2020. We got married in May 2021 and we were still trying at this point. I got a positive test on the 3rd of July, on a digital so none of this squinting bullshit (I get terrible line eyes). And for that moment I was on top of the world, I was thrilled I started looking at how to announce it in a fun way when the time was right. My partner brought me back down to earth and said test again in a couple of days just in case, then I did and a negative and lots of negative tests came after. Then a week after my positive test I started bleeding quite heavily, like a period but longer and heavier. So I’d had a chemical and that was the closest we’d got to being pregnant.

The sad thing is due to my partners family’s religion we were supposed to be married before we have children so of course we haven’t told any one about what we’ve been going through. So if we do get pregnant soon we will have got pregnant quite soon after we got married in their eyes and others will never know. And that annoys me, no one will really understand what we’ve gone through to get to this point.

I also feel like I’m running out of time, I turned 30 in July and I am very aware of that fact. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to either as my partner just doesn’t seem to get it.

#ttc baby 1 #ttc over 25 #infertility #ivf #pcos #endometriosis