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I can't watch more of my trans siblings die. please. you have to live. you fucking have to. don't let them win.

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OKAY! So!! I am one week post op from top surgery and here are the things I have learned:

• nothing prepares you for how fucking bloated you get. It is emotionally and physically devastating.

• eat protein or you’re going to start dreaming about it.

• get ready to literally not have any reading comprehension or speaking ability until you’re after the heavy pain med. and then after that as well…

• holy shit your back is gonna hurt. You can’t crack it. No twisting.

• you can’t use ice packs on your actual chest, but they’re lifesavers to sleep with- I put mine under my neck on my pillow to keep my neck from cramping.

• the pressure and tension on your chest is uncomfortable but not unbearable. Mostly it’s just annoying.

• you need pockets. Dear gods you NEED pockets.

• you do not want pants with a button. The button pants will not fit and it will make you sad. It’s just not even worth trying. Just have drawstring pants, it’s easier on the ego.

• wiping your ass is hard now. I’m sorry.

• blowing your nose hurts. Sneezing hurts. Coughing hurts. Laughing hurts. Just… avoid needing too much lung capacity all at once.

• If you have body hair prepare for your compression garments to hurt. My skin is so tender and painful all of the time. And there’s no break.

• if you keep your nipples you won’t be allowed to shower for 2 weeks. You’re going to start stinking. Have someone around you that is willing to wash your hair like how they wash babies hair. Also have rubbing alcohol so that you can neutralize your armpit stink because deodorant is off limits for your healing incisions.

• chapstick is not optional. You’re going to want it.

• same goes for a big cup with a well-sealed lid and a straw. Drink so much water.

• you’re going to feel helpless and useless. It sucks. It’s okay. Don’t push yourself.

• you’re going to want to wear pants with pockets to bed so you have somewhere to put your drains. You’ll be so tired that it doesn’t matter for the first couple days.

• you want the longest phone charger known to man. I promise. There is no such thing as too long.

• ask for the anti-nausea patch. You’re going to want it, and it lasts like 3 days. Throwing up HURTS.

• the healthier you can be before the surgery the easier your recovery is going to be. It isn’t fatphobic or stuck up or whatever else people say to lose excess weight and eat super clean before your surgery. Start moving your body every day. Start practicing going from sitting to standing and laying to standing without using your hands. Your body will reward effort to be healthy with safer surgery and easier healing.

• oh my god buy a serious laxative that you know works for you. Your body will literally forget how to shit.

• if you can, buy paper medical tape, gauze pads, and extra strength Tylenol. You will use them.

• plan to take naps. There is no weakness in a nap.

• get up and stretch your legs hourly. I promise it’s worth it. You will feel so much better.

• you’re going to want a hat or some sort of hair control.

• if the binder doesn’t fit you in the arm holes, you don’t have to let it chafe at your armpits and hurt like a mother fucker. Just cut the arm holes wider with a pair of scissors.

• have some sort of routine. You’ll fall apart otherwise.

• you’re going to be snippy and bitchy. Get ready to apologize for being an asshole. Short tempers happen, but don’t forget to say sorry.

• prepare yourself for all the random tape and other stuff to itch. You just have to grin and bear it. Things are so itchy.

That’s all I can think of right now, plus I’m sleepy. I will add to the list when I think of more ^_^

#online diary #top surgery #top surgery recovery #ftm #transmasc #post surgery

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Hoooo boy I feel like shit! It is my second day post-op and I am bloated to hell and back and my binder was rubbing on the incision under my armpit so I had to cut it wider. I am emotional and grouchy and I feel so helpless and useless it’s not even funny.

#online diary #vent post #top surgery #top surgery recovery

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There are officially 10 days until I get top surgery. I am nervous but I’m mostly excited. I’m not looking forward to recovering- primarily because I’ve been hiking every single day and I really don’t want to lose progress in my physical abilities, but it’s a sacrifice I have to make to feel comfortable and more aligned with my body.

#online diary #top surgery

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So I found Aaron Bushnell's reddit and went through his comments/posts. That young man was well read and stable as they can be. Nothing in his writings pointed to someone who was "unstable" or "brainwashed".

He held leftist and anarchist ideals. He belong to the ACAB subreddit. He recognized the evil of the US Military even though he himself was a part of it. He hated TERFS and called out fatphobia. He understood the dangers of white supremecy and the evils of capitalism.

He had a cat. He liked the show fleabag and played elden ring.

Apparently in his will he wants to leave any money in his name to palestinian relief funds. He was trying to find a new owner for his cat.

Rest in peace Aaron Bushnell. The world won't forget & we sure as fuck won't let the media paint you out to be some crazy conspiracy theorist who had no idea what he was doing.

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•Normalize Fanart for Fanfics Again You Fools•

It's not cringe anymore (it SHOULDN'T be cringe anymore), just do it. You're doing something you enjoy, who cares what anybody else says! So spread the words my fellow internet brethren.

Spread the Word :)

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i have no excuse for this

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On this year women's day, all we could think about are Palestinian women in Gaza.

Nearly 9,000 women have been killed in Israeli attacks in five months. Another 2,100 are missing and presumed dead, while 23,000 have been wounded and over half a million are displaced.

“Palestinian women, especially in the Gaza Strip, are exposed to the worst humanitarian catastrophe,” Ashraf al-Qudra, the health ministry’s spokesperson, said on Thursday.

Dozens of women and girls have also been detained and face harsh conditions in Israeli custody, including sexual abuse.

Women in Gaza also struggle to find menstruation products and access the necessary pregnancy and post-natal care. The consequences on reproductive health, including a rise in stress-induced miscarriages, stillbirths and premature births, have increased significantly.

Women in labour are undergoing caesarean procedures without anaesthetics, and a shortage of post-operative care such as medication, antibiotics and pain relief further exacerbates the situation.

According to the health ministry, 5,000 women give birth monthly in Gaza under “harsh, unsafe and unhealthy” conditions caused by Israeli bombing and displacement.

There are 60,000 pregnant women in Gaza suffering from “malnutrition, dehydration and lack of medical care.

There have also been repeated cases of Israeli soldiers mocking Palestinian women by posting videos and pictures of themselves rummaging through personal belongings in Gaza homes, making derogatory comments and posing with women’s underwear.

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Im having a sleepy day— I cannot tell if it is because I am over-exercising, didn’t get enough sleep last night, am not eating enough, or if it’s just because I didn’t have as much caffeine as I usually do today. Or all of the above…

I roasted myself veggies for dinner and it was so easy this is my new every day food.

#online diary

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the only polyarchives au on my mind is an au where Sasha finally confides in Tim that maybe she has a small crush on Jonathan Sims and he immediately drags her into the breakroom, where Martin is already sitting, and both shake her hand and welcome her to the “trying to get Jon to fucking notice they have feelings for him” club which has been going on for Months now. she predictably is like “what”

Martin explains that Jon is the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet when it comes to romantic attraction. he and tim have been dropping obvious hints nonstop since October. Martin literally handed Jon a love note with his tea once and Jon thought it was the name of the tea. Tim’s tried every technique in the book. it’d be one thing if Jon rejected them out right but he keeps misattributing their flirtations to something Else, and he never seems to Realize That They Are Flirting With Him. Tim and Martin are at the ends of their ropes. 

Sasha’s like okay well, have you guys ever tried asking him Directly. and Tim says “yeah I tried! Mentioned we could go out for drinks after work! then he immediately invited you and Henry from research thinking it was a work bonding thing!” and Sasha’s like OKAY so have either of you Directly Told Jon that you want to Go Out On A Date With Him. In those exact terms. and both Tim and Martin are quite silent about that one. 

so now Sasha’s got something to prove and dammit, she needs to do something about these feelings, so over the next week she works up the courage (and spite from watching Martin and Tim fall over themselves trying to get Jon’s attention in somewhat subtler ways) to directly say to Jon the exact words, “You’re an interesting guy- want to go on a date? could be coffee or something,” 

and jon’s like “is this another prank,” and sasha’s like “that was only like one time and I’m being serious, I would like to go on a date with you” and Jon just says, “well! i dont believe you. see you on monday :)” and fucking leaves. 

Sasha is just left sitting in the head archivist office, staring at the wall, because genuinely How. on the one hand, she’s pretty sure that was a rejection, on the other hand, she has no idea if Jon was being genuine about thinking this was a prank, and now is just stuck with a giant question mark. Tim and Martin come in with wine and blankets to recover from the Jon-induced shock. they understand. 

(the secret is that Jon has in fact been picking up all the signals loud and clear but has been agonizing over whether they’re actually there or if his stupid three-way crush on all of his fucking coworkers is causing him to see something that isn’t there, thus leading to the destruction of their friendship

shenanigans ensue)

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You can tell I’m doing better by how little I’ve been posting on this blog. I should start happy posting here too lol

#online diary

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Everywhere I go and everything I do Mathew Lee Cothran is following me I swear to god this man is in every band I end up liking.

#online diary #mathew lee cothran #coma cinema #elvis depressedly #the goin nowheres

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Things fanfic is reputed for inserting into the source material:

Sex

Things fanfic actually inserts into the source material:

Sex

Holding hands

Bizarre misunderstandings

Meticulous descriptions of food and clothing

The author’s unaddressed traumas

Found family

Plausible explanations for existing plot holes

Additional plot holes

Exciting new frontiers in speculative physics, economics, chemistry, biology, zoology, psychology, theology, and/or ontology

Tax evasion

Gender

Very bad puns

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Decided to boost my caloric intake to 1,200 cals max per day to fight off the brain fog the max 900 has been giving me lol I’m still in a caloric deficit so I’m fine.

#online diary

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Just had a scream sesh in my car inspired by the gods forsaken drivers in this blasted city and ngl I feel a lot better about my life. I don’t know why the concept of a 4-way stop seems to challenge some people so much, but oh my goodness.

#online diary

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trc twitter au ✨

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I know he’s kind of a polarizing character, but I have to say, Elias Bouchard truly is Iconic. When you hear the twist of “the boring middle manager was actually secretly an evil eldritch monster the whole time!” you sort of assume that the boring middle manager persona was just a facade, but no, he really does seem to just enjoy dull administrative work. He’s both exactly as boring as he seems on the surface and profoundly fucked up in ways you couldn’t imagine. He’s practically omniscient and playing 4-D chess with everyone, but he responds to even slight hiccups in his elaborate scheme with acts of extreme violence. He beats an old man to death with a metal pipe and when someone brings it up later he goes, “Yeah I may have overreacted there.” His employees are constantly trying to murder him. He broke out of prison just so he could give a dramatic monologue. He had a weird gay thing going on with seemingly every man he met in the past 200 years. He loves scheduling.