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Romance

Throughout my childhood I've always been so full of joy that one day I may fall in love and that I could even get married. Welp, here it is. I fell in love. I just want to start off with something heavy on my mind. Movies, books, music, sitcoms, society.. Fairytales... I mean everything in general has painted a picture of what romance and love is supposed to be and what's to be expected. I dont believe I really ever had high expectations. But maybe just the wrong ones. Now don't get me wrong.. I love the idea of the book definition of romance. Flowers, jewelry, spontaneity, dancing, anything that involves a man falling to his knees and entering a state of vulnerability with you in which he professes his love. I guess it all sounds good because when we do meet the right person, we do experience those things. It's usually in small bits though. Also, I've realized that romance has no true definition. It's different for everyone. I feel kind of bad that I missed out on so much genuine romance while looking for something else. I had it there all along. Romance is when I'm lying in bed with my committed boyfriend and he wakes up from sleep to pat my back because I'm coughing. Romance is when we are doing our own thing but he slides his hand onto my back and begins to pet me. I feel it when he holds me down and tickle me. I feel it when I make him laugh. Romance is always there if you truly love someone and they love you back. You just have to keep your eyes open for the little things. I think you should go out of your way every once in awhile for your loved one. Effort and thoughtfulness is such a meaningful gift to give your sweetheart. However, the gestures that just become reflex and require no thought, that sort of romance is good too. Love just becomes comfortable and that friendship is there to stay. That's the good stuff.

#dear diary #diary #feels #blogger #relationship #truelove #bestfriends #bestfriend

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compo(r u)sure?

I did not think I would be back here so soon but my fingers feel the need to move so fast. I JUST CAN NOT STOP SHAKING. I’m experiencing an actual anxiety attack right now. So, here is some backstory. I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety and bipolar ll about four years ago. With my anxiety, attacks used to be very present. Some attacks would literally physically attack me. I would get so scared and so disoriented, I would start vomiting, hyperventilating, and then sometimes I would even black out. Those sort of attacks stopped about two years. But up until five months ago I always had prescription xanax on me. I hated that I needed sedatives.I would even question myself on my good days and be like.. “Hey, you do not need these! Let’s flush them!” Ha. What a logical thing to do.. 

Not. 

Gosh, that would always result in me having to bum a klonopin off of my mother. Yep, she’s a looney toon too.

So, all of this brings me to present day or morning I should rather say. It’s 3:51am. My hands are trembling like I just saw a ghost. I was on my phone a few moments ago just looking through my galaxy’s application play store. I found a library tab that basically stores your app history in order. VOILA! This would finally be the concrete evidence I would need in order to finally make a home for myself in the new chapter of my life. Okay, okay.. I guess you need more backstory. Long story short is that...... I have this boyfriend I have been dating a year as of last week. I just moved out to California with him. I really really want to marry him. I believe he really wants to marry me too. But see.. Though I want to get married so badly to him, i’m hesitant. I know my feelings 10000000000000% but I keep second guessing if his are in the right spot and if they are equivalent to mine.Goddamn I have such big love for this guy. I guess my stupid paranoia stems from me being previously engaged to someone else and it failing miserably. That’s another story for another day. ANYWAY.... Current boyfriend and I have only had one break-up that lasted a few hours. In that time, he downloaded the thot app “kik” to talk to other girls. Lover boy moves quickly, I know. I can’t blame him. I was back on a dating app within that time too. No no, none of that bothers me. It was something that happened like four weeks ago. I was on his phone innocently. Well, I say innocently but I was on there with a mission to delete a very unflattering picture of myself. Three chins if you get what i’m saying. I got to his photo library and I see the photo album “kik.” Oh my god, I fucking lost my sanity. Seeing that album confirmed that he used that thot application to speak to someone else. The pictures were innocent but I was still boiling. I was so in love with this boy and I had proof that he was playing me while we were long distance. This confirmed all of the fears I had while we were apart for nearly four months. My body crumbled when I saw that stupid app. I would type out a paragraph talking in great detail of the heart wrenching agony I experienced within that moment but I will just get on with the story. Of course, the next day I confronted my beloved about it and he denied it completely. He did for weeks after that too. He would deny right now if I were to wake him up. I just could not understand how my sweet boyfriend became so good at lying to my face. But.. See.. I just checked his phone since I know how to see application history now. The app isn’t there... He was telling the truth all of this time. I guess the actual phone may have had a glitch, I have no fucking idea. I’m so incredibly lost and honestly just so exhausted from all of the paranoia I've been experiencing. It was for nothing I guess. He WAS telling the truth.

 Maybe my anxiety attack was just a relief attack. I honestly have no idea. My hands feel better now that I have transferred my thoughts to words. I feel like I can rest peacefully now.

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It’s imagination we women want.

Virginia Woolf, from The Complete Works; “Mrs Dalloway in Bond Street,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

yuh

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I’m a very new resident to southern California. I’m so excited to see this in person. 

We had a lot of rain this winter, more than what we’re used to. It brought water back to our waterfalls and flowers back to our hills. Southern California is covered in wildflowers. (taniainnature)

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it begins 2/2/19

Blog. It’s a funny word. I don’t know. Blogging has been sort of popular on the internet for the last two decades so I guess the word may have some appeal. Some have even made careers out of it. Crazy, right? I have always been interested in blogging because blogging is basically an internet diary. I absolutely adore writing and i’m pretty much on the internet constantly like every other human begin on this planet. I have a question though.. How does one begin a blog? Do they start just explaining what they’re thinking of that moment? Do they give their audience or in my case, lack of audience, a sort of synopsis of the blogger’s identity? Normally I like to give back story and validation to everything but this time I think i’m just going to dive right in. 

At this moment I am listening to YouTube auto-play. It’s funny how YouTube auto-play usually plays the worst music but its a mix of music you've typically worn the replay button out of. My mind is cluttered with thought overlapping thought. The first brain tickle to wave its flag at me is the fact that i’m so tender-hearted. Emotional. I always thought as I got older that my skin would callous. Daddy always wanted me to have a thick skin so I would’t break like mama. I’m still so sensitive and I overthink everything. Lately, i’ve just been trying to find the root of it all. I can’t go on with this heavy heart much longer. I want to feel at home. I’m so tired of living my life with my hand clenching an over-packed piece of luggage. I want to unpack. I want to settle and feel safe. I guess I am so eager to feel that way because i’ve gotten so close to it before. People usually take it away from me though. I’m just to tired of having my guard up. Do you feel the same way? I guess I want to make this blog to sort of make friends and maybe help someone? Follow me. Let’s get through this shit together.

#diary #dear diary #life #feelings #sad