to-my-dearest-blank

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To you

And I'm not hoping you'd read this.

Tell me. Tell me everything. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. The mundane. Tell me things that has happened before. The repeats. The Tuesdays. I promise I'll never get tired. I promise I'll be there till the end.

When I said I had your back, I meant it.

Tell me everything. Lean on me. I promise I'll be there. Because I want someone to be there for me too, like I was there for them.

I probably shouldn't expect too much. That I was once there. Once cared. And after all these, they were tired. I really shouldn't expect too much. Because it hurts when expectations fall flat and I know they didn't mean it. They meant no harm.

But I guess I didn't really expect it.

So I want you to tell me everything. I promise I won't leave. I won't judge. I won't scold. I won't do anything. Just promise me you'd do the same.

Tell me everything.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

Dear OCs of mine

The ones I've created on wimps. Created because I was alone and need companions. Created because I wanted a better and definitely more unrealistic version of myself. Created because I wanted to have what I couldn't have.

So I created it with words. With fantasies. With imaginations. And definitely a far reach out of he possible reality. Because I wanted things I could have. It was ridiculous. But I want it. But I couldn't have it.

XiaNing is my OC. Created to have five loving brothers. And two female friends.

Xia Ruo is a companion OC. He functions much like Ruth from an anime I've been watching.

Chenxue was created on the basis on Lan Xichen. A caring older brother. And also a Lan Sect disciple. Disciplined. Cool. Calm. Collected. Someone my OC could go to to talk on a regular basis and not be intimidated by. The oldest of the five. Someone like the early Elijah Michaelson.

Xingfei was created with the thought of the Douyin twin brothers. Willing to do everything. Loving.

Huailin was when I had Wei Wuxian in my thoughts. Someone good at drinking. A little of Wei Wuxian and Dean Winchester. Chaotic and fiery. Fiercely protective. Much like Niklaus Michaelson. Always the one that says "so who do I have hit this time?" And Chenxue would always stop him and said that "violence isn't the answer." But Chenxue would always come up with something more sinister and painful.

Fengyan has Gabriel in it. Someone fun and quirky. Always up for adventures. A little bit of ZiLan and a little bit of Gabriel. Like 9 and 10. Like Heechul. A blood AB.

Yu Ze has characteristics of Zhe Yan. He's just there to be your listening ear.

Lu Jia Yu was created with three people in mind. All three have part of their names in this one female character.

Ouyang Yi Xiao was the latest addition to my family. I had Ouyang in mind because of Ouyang Zizhen and this friend of mine had me thinking about him. The Xiao comes from Xingchen, I guess?

All the things I want but couldn't have. Guess its next time?

[to-my-dearest-blank]

Dear sisters.

You're cordially invited to my future wedding. You'll be my bridesmaid. And that is, if you allow me. Come to my wedding. Some time in the future. My husband will thank you. He'll say "thank you for coming into her life. Thank you of taking care of her and be crazy. Thank you for being her sister."

A sister, I never had.

Sisters, I've never had.

Seats for my sisters. My partners in crime. The distance doesn't bother us. Time doesn't bother us. We know we've got each others backs since the day we knew each other. We know we've got each other covered. We've armed ourselves with emotional first aids and emergency calls. We've got each other checked.

You're cordially invited to my wedding.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To the Angel in heaven

To the Angel in heaven, it's been a year since you left us. Our hearts are filled with memories of you. I hope you're doing well, watching after your brothers, your friends and your family.

I'm glad to have seen you shine on stage before. Now you've joined the skies, shining as bright as ever.

Thank you for the memories. Your songs. Your voice. Your smiles. Your laughter. Everything. Thank you for creating one of the best memories I'll ever have during my school days.

I promise you, I won't cry today. You looked like you prefer smiles over tears. And so today, like any other time I've said farewell, I want to tell you that you've did well. You did a good job, Jonghyun-ah. You've done well and we're happy. We're proud of you.

Jonghyun-ah, it's winter time. I hope you're keeping yourself warm in heaven. Keep yourself warm and watch us from above. Watch us make you proud. I hope you're smiling down at us from Heaven.

You've done well, Jonghyun-ah. The angels are calling you back home. Don't worry about us here. Take care of yourself in Heaven.

#to jonghyun #jonghyun #kim jonghyun #to my dearest angel in heaven #to my dearest blank #letter to jonghyun #letter to kim jonghyun

[to-my-dearest-blank]

小弟

I’ve decided to write this note in Chinese first because I think it better expresses my thoughts. And also we knew each other over a Chinese game. But I’ll give a translation in English afterwards (if I’m free).

小弟，

今天我回味了。我们当初是怎样认识的。我们当初是怎样相识的。今天我回味了。

今天我说了：

“我还记得这是我们见面 （我们谁都没料到会是最后一次见面），在这里吃晚餐，在这里聊天，在这里喝咖啡，在这里玩游戏。“

那一天。。。也是道别。我们的最后一天。

可能，一开始，就是这样。

谢谢你。

当过我师傅。

当过我朋友。

当过我小弟。

今天，大姐在这里和你说声再见了。

有缘，再见。

你永远都是我最心疼的小弟。

-你的大姐。

Translation:

Little brother (weirdest translation but yeah, long story short, we have this weird “sworn sibling kinda thing” so yeah)

Today, I reminisced. How we first met. How we knew each other. I looked back today.

(If there was a song, it will be “Long Live” by Taylor Swift because of this line. “I had a time of my life fighting dragons with you.”)

Today, I said:

We met for the last time that day. (To be honest, no one really knew it would be the last). I still remember we had dinner here, we talked here, we drank coffee here, we played games here.

That day, we said goodbye. That was our last day.

Maybe, from the start, it was meant to be this way.

Thank you.

For being my shifu.

For being my friend.

For being my little brother.

Today, I’m going to officially say goodbye to you.

May our paths cross one day.

You’ll always be the little brother I cherished the most.

- Your big sister.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

Dearest person

If you listen closely. If you read closely. I had said dearest with my teeth clenched and a smile forced. I had tried to use my curt voice because after all, you're older than me. But forgive me if I had lost all my strength to try and be polite and curt with you midway.

You're cordially UNinvited to my wedding (in the future). As much as I'm a psycho, I only invite certain kind of psychos to my wedding. And your kind? Is the kind I don't approve of, coming to my wedding.

I'm the kind of person that tried to see the good in everybody despite how wack they are. But you? I see nothing. I see the abyss. You're the kind of person if someone were to ask me if I had to choose to save John Winchester or you, I wouldn't blink to answer "Are you stupid?! Of course it's John Winchester." The fact that he's fictional. He's a goddamn hunter that could very well save himself. And yet I choose to save him, says something.

You're the epitome of greed.

I hope you don't regret your decision when she's older or when you're older. You're not going anymore, wise up. Don't make stupid decisions. She's a good kid. My heart aches for her.

She's invited but you're not.

I'm the internet person. I wouldn't say I treat people kindly. But I treat people alright. I'm going to treat her fine. It's just you and the other one I don't really like.

Mama says you have to be good so that in your next life, you won't be bad. Karma. I'm not the kind that hope bad things happen to you just cause I don't like you. I just hope nothing.

I hope there'll be a day when someone ask me, "Between John Winchester and you, who would I save?", I could answer them "you" because you're my family. But for now, even John seems more family than you.

No, you're not toxic to me. But you're toxic to my family and I will not tolerate that.

She's a good kid. You. Her family member should support her. Her decision.

I don't even know what to say now.

Except till then.

You're cordially UNinvited to my wedding.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To the one that got away

“I stopped going after you. But I never stopped wanting you.”

I stopped chasing you, but I never once stopped loving you.

I said I would forget you, but it deemed difficult each passing day.

All lies when they said it was going to get easier. But each day reminded me of you. When they asked me who is that, and I laughed and said “oh, he was the one that got away.” And each passing day draws closer to an anniversary.

An anniversary of the day you came.

An anniversary of the day we met.

An anniversary of the day I came tumbling down.

An anniversary of the day you left.

Funnily, no one could compare to you. You weren’t that great. My friends pointed out your flaws. I saw them too. But still, no one could compare to you.

I stopped chasing you, literally. The day you left. I stopped going after you. Because I know you were doing better than you were before. You were chasing your dreams. And I? I was just chasing you. So I stopped.

But does my heart still wants you? Yes.

Do I still want you to come home? Selfishly enough, yes. Even though I know you are doing fine without me. Even though I know you’d be great without me. Yes, I still want you.

Selfishly enough. I want you back.

#love #i want you back #kudos if you know who i'm referring to #please come back

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To the demons

The demons. The good. The bad. Mama said to leave them alone. If you don’t look at them, talk to them, you’re safe.

The demons. The good. The bad. You lay in bed, head throbbing. Your headache comes back again. You’ve had this headache since this morning when you woke up. It’s a dull ache, somewhere at the back of your head. You think back to the time when you had hit your head on the carpeted floor a week ago. It was a loud thud. Everyone heard it. Is it the repercussion? You weren’t sure. You only knew that your head on the pillow and sleep felt like a remedy you needed.

But you were afraid. Afraid of death. Afraid of no tomorrow. You’ve heard stories of people dying in their sleep. You’ve heard stories of people not waking up. You were afraid that you will end up the same way as them. The dull ache you felt was just fueling your paranoia.

You prayed and hoped for a tomorrow. You pushed the little tiny worry at the back of your mind. If you’re meant to continue another day, you will. If you’re meant to move on, you will. But you’re hoping to wake up.

And you did.

Though the throbbing ache never left your head.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To people around me

If there's something you guys need to know. I don't get myself as well. I've always been a complicated person. I like to think myself as that. Because it gives me a reason to justify the countless of thoughts that runs through my head. If there's something you guys need to know. I always push people away. But I crave for company. But when I push them away, they let go. They never hold on. And I'll always let them leave. Because mama says if they want to stay, they will. If there's something you guys should know. I don't really like being alone sometimes. I mean I get eating alone and do things alone. But in the movies, when I'm scared, there is no one for me to hold on to. Meal times will always have a vacant seat across me. And when you need a second opinion, it never comes. And a little push, never comes either. If there's something you guys should know. I'm not an extrovert. I'm selective. I choose my company. But it always seem like I attract a certain kind of friends. A limited pool of people. If there's something you guys should know. I don't talk much. I type. I write. I sing. I don't cry. And the only way to ever get to see what I really feel, is to see the output. You don't even have to read between the lines. If there's something you guys should know. I'm a bitch. I'll always be one.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To the seemingly never-ending contact list

As long as my contact list grows, I realized there wasn't a single soul I could contact when I really needed them. Maybe it was my fault to think if they'd be too busy for me. Would I inconvenience them with my calls or messages? Is it a right time to contact them? Better not.

The darkness almost consumes me and my breathing starts to slow and go shallow. What's the point? Who am I really going to call anyway, as I continue scrolling the seemingly never-ending contact list.

Back.

And the screen changes into the homepage.

Folder.

I struggled to take out the coiled earpiece from my pocket. One that I had hurriedly stuffed into my pocket without much thinking.

I was on limited time.

Music.

I plugged in my earpiece.

Playlist.

‘I’m alright’

And I paced my breathing to the tempo of the first song that was played on shuffle. My mind goes blank as I continuously chant, “I’m alright. It’s ok. Just breathe.” It was like a mantra.

I’ll be alright.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

Duizhang (队长)

He's the duizhang. Their duizhang. Never mind if he wasn't the oldest. He's still the one in charge. He still has to keep his cool. Be mature about this. Be level-headed. Be calm. He can't make reckless choices. He's responsible. He cannot break down. Not when everyone looks up to him. Not when you look up to him.

He may be their duizhang. But he's your duizhang as well. He simply cannot be vulnerable.

He panicked the moment you walked in. A worried look on your face.

Shit.

He sobered up. Looking at you. It isn't the time for him to break down. Not in front of you. He's duizhang. A duizhang can't break down. Not when someone needed him. Not when you needed him.

Meimei, 怎么啦?

队长。

And he looked at you questioningly.

队长也能流泪。你不是机器。你是人。我知道你是队长。可是你也要知道队长也是人。人可以流泪。

不管发生什么事，你永远都是我的队长。

And he cried. His pent up emotions came crashing down.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To Sunshine

And it was something that was definitely out of reach, like a fairytale or a faraway place. Sunshine that was radiant but definitely out of reach from my grasp.

Sunshine was something that you’ve heard of from the mouths of people but it felt like rumors. And you weren’t sure if it was real or not. It was something you’ve heard of from nursery rhymes and such things sounded like a dream instead.

You’ve heard of them from books but in real life, you’ve never actually met them.

They were fun-loving, radiant creatures. Smiling at every chance they get, shunning away all the darkness that was ever around you. You really wished you had their positivity and cheery outlook. But sadly, you were just you.

And you’ll never be like them.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

Him

To the person that never asked much.

For he knew what was wrong. For he knew what you wanted. For he knew that you needed time. You needed space.

Sometimes, you needed him.

When you’re staring at the blank TV that was playing static noises for the past hour. And that he has been greeted by the dark room and your lone figure on the sofa. When he wordlessly walked up to you, offered no words but soft embrace and the calming beats of his heart.

Sometimes, you needed coffee. Extra sugar. Extra syrup.

When the words don’t seem like words anymore, and your hands are just aimlessly moving around the paper with your pen in hand. You don’t know what you’re writing but you knew you had to get things done. And he walk up to you, two cups of coffee in hand. He places one on your table before taking a stack of letters with him.

Sometimes, you needed tea. No sugar. No milk. 2 bags. Concentrated.

When it was the second best thing other than his touch that calms your nerves. But the combination of both being in his embrace and drinking this tea was the best. You would always fall asleep, wrapped up in his arms. The tea long forgotten on the coffee table.

Sometimes, you needed time.

Everything was a mess and clogged up. You needed time. He knew. He stopped whatever that was coming towards you. You couldn’t take more, he knew. Something you always praised him for. For he always knew ahead of time what you needed before you knew.

Sometimes, you needed space.

He knew better than to disturb you were behaving like this. He always gave you space and it was something you were always thankful for. Something quiet and peaceful. Like a sanctuary of your own. Your private space. He knew better than to intrude that space of yours. Right now, you needed space. You needed the space to think on your own.

Sometimes, you needed reassurance.

You were paranoid at times. Ok, at times was an understatement. Often would be a more appropriate term. You were the kind of person that would jump to the worst of conclusions when the probability of it happening would be nearing zero. But you couldn’t help it. You were like this. And he knew. He never left you alone when you felt like this.

The need to check if you have turned off the stove. 5 times. “Yes, babe. I switched it off.”

The need to check if you have switched off all taps and electrical appliances. 3 times. “Yup. I’m the last one to use it. It’s all off.”

The need to check if you have locked the door. 4 times. “I’ve locked it. Don’t worry.”

Because he knew you wouldn’t trust yourself if you were the last to leave the house. So he would always be the last.

Sometimes...

All you need is him.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To ya-know.

Not sure if you have tried your best, but I can see you’re tired. You tried your best to tolerate people and socialise and talk. I know.

“Kids will be kids.”

I’ve heard this only once a year. On this day where my house has been used for a festive gatherings and kids bring their kids whom bring their kids and their kids. And so I only tolerate this once a year. My house will be used as a playground for the kids and my bed will be used as a trampoline.

Rules that I follow doesn’t apply on that day.

It’s sort of like ‘The Purge’. Things are legal for 24 hours. Rules are broken. But there are still some rules I abide to. Strict rules which I don’t tolerate. Things which I make it sound stern just cause you are pushing too far.

Like I simply do not mind if you use my bed as a trampoline. But please. Mind your manners and hygiene. Do not step all over my pillow with your feet. I sleep on it at the end of the day and I do not wish to have your feet there at the end of the day. Also, please mind your pets. Once a year, I only have furries in my house and it is during festive season. My bed does not tolerate any furries. My bed is a big no. My room is fine but my bed is a big no.

But I preferred it if you do not bring them to my room either. But it’s ok, I’ll tolerate it just for today. Just for today.

Kids will be kids.

This is something I’ll never get used to, despite every year the same thing happens.

Please learn and have some manners.

To my antisocial self that will never learn to tolerate noise, bless your soul today. I hope you survive today.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To you

Today, I said goodbye to you. I deleted your photos. I changed my phone wallpapers. I didn’t save your name.

Because if this show teaches me anything, its that if it’s meant to be with you, it will go back to you.

I’m not going to chase after things and people that are never going to be mine no matter how hard I try. If we are meant to be, we are meant to be.

I said goodbye to you today.

I had fun being with you while you were here.

Goodbye.

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To my last one

Love, if you ever ask me this question, how many have I loved before you, I will not lie to you. I will not tell you there were none. And I will not tell you there were too many to count. I could only tell you, “I have loved five people before you.”

Who

The knights in shining armour. The dorks. The unbelievably clueless. The romantics. I have loved them before you. The ones who managed to sweep me off my feet and make me blush like the school girl I used to be. The ones who saved the damsel in distress. The ones whom you assumed you’ll end up with because everything seemed perfect at that moment.

But they are not the one.

Where

I found them at every corner. In the woods. On the street. In school. On the way back home. In the bus. In class. In the library. Somewhere. Somehow. We would meet. We would come together. We would laugh. And I had loved them before you. 

Everything would feel like its falling into place. But it felt like a too easy ‘Happily Ever After’. But something won’t feel right. Something will never feel right.

When

When I’m at my lowest. When I needed an escape because everything seemed too much at that moment and I needed a getaway. When I needed some company. I was always that person which doesn’t prefer to socialize. Blame my people skills. I wasn’t born for that. I have loved those people before you. Those that came to my rescue. Those who offered me an umbrella when it started to rain. Those that offered me a cup of hot drink when it started to snow. I have loved those people before you. Because they saved me.

Why

Why I loved them was something I couldn’t quite answer. A various of reasons, I supposed. How they unknowingly made me smile and laugh (sometimes even curse) and they didn’t seem to mind. They didn’t seem to mind me, waking them up at an ungodly hour just because I needed company. Just because I needed them. Because they knew how alone was alone. I have loved those people before you.

What

All good things have to come to an end. I wouldn’t say it wasn’t painful. Breakups are painful, I’ll admit. But it was peaceful. Things ended. What happened to us would never be mentioned. The same words was handed down, “Please take care of her.”

And if you ever ask,

What am I then? Who am I?

I’ll hold you close, and whisper.

The last one.

And I know along the way I have broken many promises and told you many lies but this I can assure you. You are my last one. This is not a lie. You’re my last one. You’ll be the one that I’ll come home to, at the end of the day, You’ll be the last one to end my day with. I’ll close my eyes to you, dream of you, come home to you.

Because you’re my last one. 

And I hope I’m yours too.

(inspired by a Kaisoo fic which I can’t find anymore)

[to-my-dearest-blank]

To the one that got away

Would anything be different if I was less cowardly, less traditional? Be the first to speak up and say “I like you, you idiot.”?

Would it change anything? Would we be together? Would my heart be at ease knowing that I have let you go with the knowledge of you knowing how my heart felt?

To the one that got away,

I’m sorry, my heart. That I was too cowardly to confess. That I was just contented with the songs and the dance and the smile and the wink. And everything. Sorry that I was just contented with that.

I didn’t know the day would come this fast. I thought I still had time. I thought I could say it before he leaves with the others.

No. He left first.

With a part of my heart. He took along and left. Not like he knew anyway. Or maybe he did and he still left it like that.

I thought I had months. Weeks. But all i had was days. Less than a week. And it was sudden. The realisation that came crashing down on me.

I wasn’t ready.

And to the one that got away.

I’ll see you if our paths were to cross again.